Earlier this week, I was invited to be part of a series on HLN’s Raising America show about finding peace in the so-called “mommy wars.”
As you can imagine, for a wordy gal like me a 3-minute segment is not nearly enough time to express all my thoughts on a big issue like motherhood and judgment, especially when you aren’t exactly sure how the topic will be presented ahead of time. So I went into a lot more detail about my feelings about the recent articles on moms, ambition, “retro” motherhood, and work that have been dominating the media lately in a post at Babble.
From the post:
There will always be loud voices telling us what we should or shouldn’t do. Those loud voices start to seem even louder, and more important, when amplified by a thousand magazine articles or blog posts.
But those voices are usually not the ones that matter.
Look at your community. Are the people you spend time with smart, strong, and inspiring? Do they understand you? Are their goals similar to yours? What about your family and friends? Do they appreciate you for who you are and the contributions you make? What about your own inner voice? Does it know how to write its own definition of success?
Those are the voices we need to listen to most. It’s not about wars or battles, or her versus she. It’s about figuring out who you really want to be in this world and not wasting time worrying about what anyone else wants you to be.
Read the entire post at my Babble column, At Large.
You can also watch my appearance on HLN’s Raising America with Kyra Phillips below (if you’re reading this in your email or via RSS, click here to watch the video):
I tend to think of the “mommy wars” not so much as an internal strife between women and their choices, but rather an inappropriate response to a society that doesn’t value families. The “voice” from outside says raising children isn’t a real job, it’s just your place so stop whining about it. It says working moms are a burden to their co-workers and are neglecting their families. Working dads who actually care to spend time with their families are somehow “lesser” and stay-at-home dads are just a cultural anomaly.
And of course, the media eats it up. Controversy is page views, insecurity is a rapt audience.
The “mommy wars” is not the disease, it’s a symptom of something much larger and more insidious. When we can all feel value as mothers, without having to (insanely!) justify our choice to have children to the outside world and have it diminish our inherent humanity, then the loud voices will just be voices and not condemnations if we’ve chosen a different path.
Love this post. And yes – and UGH – to this: “It says working moms are a burden to their co-workers and are neglecting their families.”
I have been amazed at the amount of tearing down I’ve seen of moms who work by people without kids…accusing them of being lazy, uncommitted, etc. What some people don’t seem to understand is that families and children are important to our whole society, even to those people who never plan to marry/partner or have kids. We all have so much value.
I read recently: when weaving a net, every thread is of importance. Can’t help but feel that while that applies in most situations, the importance of the message can do the most good here.
As women, I think we recognize that larger societal issues are affecting our lives in very personal ways. We feel pulled and pushed by what is happening around us; we feel a lack of control.
If we want to stay in the work force, we feel let down by the mother who quits her job. If we want to be free to stay home, we feel abandoned by the mother who works.
Last year I made a very difficult choice to quit my job. I feel relieved as much as I feel a sense of failure. And I can see my friends judging what it means for them. Will they be able to continue working, or feel forced to quit their jobs? Will they feel jealous that they can’t stay home?
I think the mommy wars comes from the lack of choices we feel we have.
Christina, I have been thinking about the idea of choice and how it affects the way we feel…I think it can swing both ways. Because if we feel like we have all the choices in the world, the pressure is really on to choose the EXACT RIGHT ONE. And if we have no choices, or no viable choices, we feel trapped and stuck. It’s all about our perception, really.
Thanks for sharing what you wrote on babble, Meagan. I always enjoy your posts.
I’d love to contribute an example and what I think goes on when a little Mommie Battle erupts. For me, I got the most judgment from other mothers because I practiced Elimination Communication with my son from birth. I’d get up in the middle of yoga and potty him in the bathroom, once or twice a class, but I did it really discreetly and hoped no one would notice. What I’ve come to find after almost 2 years of helping others learn EC, and my readers having similar issues with friends and family, is that doing something different from the mainstream causes other parents to go through an unconscious process that looks something like this:
You are doing EC. I use diapers. I actually, somewhere deep inside, resonate with what you are doing, and perhaps I am now questioning my own reasons for using diapers. Did I make a mistake? Am I a bad parent? (As in your video)…Am I doing things right?? Oh my…I must defend myself so I don’t have to look at all this ugly, conflicting, confusing stuff I’m feeling inside now. Must make myself feel better. Feel good enough. Validated.
And, bam…defense (“I just adore changing diapers”), or a “look” of disapproval, or a direct criticism (“Can’t you just let a baby be a baby?” or “That’s really extreme and not good for your baby.”).
Like what you said….Judge other people to make yourself feel better. I never really fought back at any of this. Mostly just found other people to hang out with, and was ever more discreet with EC, strengthening my online community and the few in my circles who did do it.
I even got some major kickback (and isolation, even) from my friends who birthed around the same time as I did. I felt pretty ostracized, but maybe part of that was in my head?? I just saw it as a sign that I needed to hang out with other people.
I resonate with what you wrote in this post about surrounding ourselves with others who make us feel supported. Our true friends. And ignoring the rest. (Gosh, doesn’t that apply to everything in life!)
But, most of all, I resonated with you saying to trust ourselves to “write our own definition of success.” I think it’s been a journey for me to get to that point with EC, and now pregnant with #2, I feel much more confident about doing it with my second one (that inner voice again). And much more understanding of why people get so up in arms when it strikes and unconscious chord within them. It’s created a lot of compassion within me for others’ paths and my own unique path.
Andrea, thanks so much for sharing this little glimpse of your journey. I think so often the guilt/pressure comes from within, but also sometimes it comes from without. You’re absolutely right that sometimes, seeing another mom doing something completely differently from the way I am causes that little voice in my head to say “Hm, should I be doing it that way, too?” even if she never gives off so much as a hint of judgment. On the other hand, there are particularly strident voices in any community, particularly when it’s something on the fringes, which can definitely add to the pile-on feeling. You can start feeling “convicted” to do something for the simple reason that it seems like those other moms must be on to something (even if it really isn’t something that is necessary to live out your own values.) And that can happen even when the other mom is completely discreet and non-judging.
I don’t think there’s really any solution except trying like crazy to trust ourselves and giving ourselves enough breathing room to sort out the “Maybe I should be doing…” voices from the “That is something I want to be doing because it best supports my values…” voices. Granted, that sorting process takes some time and experience to get just right 🙂
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