This is not me. Though I do dig the dress.
I’ve been talking so much about cleaning and organizing lately that I want to make sure I don’t give the wrong idea, namely, that I am some kind of super-homemaker living in a spotless house (and wearing heels and pearls while I vacuum, to boot.) So here are three truths about me:
1) I am not a particularly great housekeeper…I’m just happy with my own particular form of “good enough”
2) I don’t do everything myself-I have a cleaning service that comes twice a month and I delegate a lot of daily work to my kids/spouse
3) There are still other cleaning tasks that rarely-or never-get done around here.
I have written about “trigger tasks” here before and cover them in my book, too: those are the housekeeping tasks that come highest on the priority list, because just doing those things will make you feel so much better about your house that you’ll be able to function better AND have an easier time finding energy for the other stuff.
But after the trigger tasks come…everything else, some essential to keeping a house running, some not so essential. Here I’ve arranged some of those tasks into groups-the stuff I do right away, the stuff I delegate, the stuff I put off, and the tasks I rarely, if ever, get around to.
- My A list includes the “trigger tasks” that make the biggest impact on my mood. For me, this list includes cleaning the bathroom, picking throw blankets and pillows up off the living-room floor, making the bed, and getting clutter off of the kitchen counters. Those are must-dos for me, and once I’ve got those things taken care of-which have become so routine they take no time at all-I can move on to the B list. I also very rarely delegate these tasks out to anyone else in the family-I’d rather have them done quickly, and done the way I like.
- My B list tasks are the things that have to get done regularly to keep the house running, but that I don’t care as much about as the A list. This includes vacuuming, sweeping, picking up toys, lining up shoes in the entryway, laundry, and dishes. I delegate much of this list out to the boys, and of course Jon takes over many of them too.
- My C list tasks are those things that are nice to have done but not high on my list of importance-stuff like dusting ceiling fans, mopping the floors, and cleaning baseboards. I’ll do my “C” list tasks every now and then when I’m feeling ambitious or have time on my hands, but they’re the kind of thing I’m more likely to ask Lynda (my most excellent cleaning person) to do. When we haven’t had Lynda, I’ve put these off…way, way off.
- My D list tasks are things that I barely even notice going undone, and therefore, rarely-if ever-get done at all. This would include: cleaning out under the beds, wiping down light switches, washing windows, ironing (I don’t remember the last time I ironed when I wasn’t in a hotel room, where I for some reason actually enjoy it) and shining the chrome on the bathroom faucets. Now, I can still see out of my windows, so I suppose some of these jobs do eventually get done, but they aren’t a high priority and some actually never happen.
Running your home in a way that works for you is all about prioritizing, and doing the things that are most important to you, most essential to your family, and make everyone’s lives better and well, happier. The rest of the stuff is just icing on the clean-house cake: great if you can get to it, but not essential. SO I’m dying to know-what housecleaning jobs do you prefer to do yourself, and put at highest priority? Which ones do you delegate? Which ones do you put off? And which do you skip altogether?
Speaking of cleaning, organizing, and creating systems and priorities that work for you, Whitney at Rookie Moms posted a great write-up about The Happiest Mom including a real-life example of organizing in a way that makes sense for your family (shoes by the door, anyone?)
Did you read-and like-The Happiest Mom? I’d love if you’d leave an Amazon rating and review-it would really help me out!
Never ever ever iron!!! I mentioned in passing to my potential mother in law that I really disliked ironing… she got us an iron for an engagement gift (should I read anything into that – do you think!!!). My husband needs six shirts ironed a week for the office and we have always lived about 50m from a laundry. Friday evening I drop the shirts and Saturday morning I collect them… The only time I have ever used the iron was for melting crayons for crafts and fixing craft paint to kids craft projects… seriously it is covered in paint and wax and other delights and it will never go near an item of clothing. I think not ironing every item of laundry is my great rebellion (I am laughing myself) as my mom in law never fails to “wonder” why I don’t even iron the bed linen… can you imagine ironing the sheets for all ten of us, it would be a full time career, I don’t think we would ever eat let alone read a book and certainly we would never have anytime for crafty fun!!!
My grandma was huge on ironing, and my mother is a laundry fanatic, i couldn’t care less.
but i remember stories from my grandma about ironing the dishtowels, and ironing the sheets, and the overalls, and the underthings……. sooooo have more important things to do with my time, my mother is ashamed of my laundry skills……. she says it’s not enough that me and my children have clean clothes.
I really, really hate the dishes. So I tend to put those off. Sadly, though, this backfires because it’s not like the dishes will ever go away.
But dusting? That I flatly refuse to do. I’ll grit my teeth through the dishes, but I will not dust.
I despise ironing, even more than cooking or grocery shopping.
The must do: wash dishes, clear off the counters, and pick up the toys. The usually do: make the bed, sweep the kitchen and/or living room floor, keep up with the laundry. The sometimes do: mop the bathroom floor, damp dust, wash the sofa covers. (We too have a cleaning service that does the scrubbing, mopping and polishing.) The do only when it reaches the point I am finally bothered by it: wash windows, clean out closets (pantry, etc), vacuum under the bed and behind the couch… and lots of other things I can’t think of because I do them so rarely.
My family kind of made a trigger list as a group when I went to work full-time in August. Until then I had been a stay-at-home mom and full-time college student, so life took a HUGE turn when I was away from home for 10 hours a day and would often work another couple of hours at home. (I was student teaching in order to finish my elementary education degree.) We all kind of decided that laundry was of the absolute most importance. We all needed clean clothes no matter what. Dishes came next, then the general neatness of the house (backpacks put away, pillows and blankets put neatly on the furniture, clutter at the very least hidden, etc.) After this we all could live until one of us got around to doing the other chores. I found, though this experiment, that I HATED cooking, so my husband took over that duty and found that he really enjoys it. I couldn’t stand a dirty toilet, so I make sure that stays neat. We all pitch in as we can and work from the top of our list down. During school breaks I get to do all the detail work that hasn’t been done during the long stretches of school year. It works for us, and we all get to feel we are part of what makes our home function.
So I’ve been pondering how to make this comment without coming across like a complete curmudgeon (or worse). I’ve really enjoyed all your posts about cleaning. How to keep my house decently clean and organized while coping with the usual family craziness along with a physical disability that limits my energy is something I think about a lot. So I was reading along and thinking about what my “trigger tasks” are and all that…and then came to the part about having your having a paid cleaning lady who does a lot of the big stuff like mopping (and I assume bathroom scrubbing, vacuuming, dusting, etc.?). And I went, “Huh?”
Here’s where I’m coming from. I’m not going to pull the sniffy old, “Well, if I could afford a cleaning lady I’d have one too!” because that’s not the issue. We all make decisions about how to spend our money and I could pay a cleaning service if I chose to spend less in other areas. I just spent nearly $400 on new shoes, for example. Not like they’re designer stilettos or anything. Just two pairs of good running shoes, one for working out and one for every day, plus the cost of modifications necessary because of my disability. But still…the right shoes are a priority for me so I choose to spend a lot on them rather than clearance rack and taking whatever I can find. Another priority is buying my kids new (not fancy, just new) clothes. I’m not a consignment shop mom, though I know and admire plenty of people who are. My point: We all have to prioritize our spending so my visceral reaction to learning of your cleaning lady is not a money thing.
I have my “trigger tasks.” Dishes always get done, laundry gets done (including folding and putting away) on Mondays and Thursdays without fail, counters and table always wiped at the end of the day, kitchen floor swept multiple times a day and mopped twice a week, all toys/pillows/throws put back in place before bed. But in order to do big cleaning, like bathrooms, vacuuming, dusting, and really organizing, I have to set aside big chunks of time. Given that I work when my youngest child is in school and on Saturdays, and keep chores to a minimum on Sunday for Sabbath reasons, that basically means the only way I can keep my house clean and organized (and we’re talking clean and organized enough, NOT Pottery Barn catalog clean) is to let my little guy park himself in front of the computer and/or TV for most of one day a week (one of his two non-school days). Which leaves me with a somewhat cleanish house but a very guilty conscience. Which means I’m not such a happy mom.
I had cancer this past year and some friends paid for a cleaning person to come one time. She cleaned the bathrooms, vacuumed, dusted, wiped the door panels, and mopped…All in about 2.5 hours. Wow. If I had that help twice a month it would be revolutionary. If/when I start earning more as a freelancer, then I will call up that cleaning lady and sign her up for twice a month. But in the meantime I spend a lot of time worrying and figuring and guiltifying about how to keep my house decently clean while still being present to my kids (and my work and my husband and my friends, etc.).
I guess what I’m saying is the cleaning person thing makes a pretty humongous difference in how I receive your cleaning/organizing advice. I’m really not saying that to be a curmudgeon or a you-know-what. It’s just a little perplexing to me and I wonder if I’m the only one who feels this way?
On a happier note, saw your book featured on a Mothers’ Day display table in our local B&N. Very cool.
Hi Ellen,
I’m glad you commented, because the whole “cleaning lady” thing is, I feel, a pretty loaded issue among moms and for a good reason. (I’m going to be posting next week about how being a homemaker does not always mean doing everything yourself-it’s about managing and delegating, not necessarily DOING IT ALL.)
I thought it was important to be honest about the fact I have paid help, because, well, right now I do. But I haven’t always, and I probably won’t always. And there are a lot of other factors I can’t really describe here in adequate detail, including the fact that I earn about 50% of the family income here from home with minimal childcare, while my husband’s working in another state and not home until 7 or 8 most nights.
To put it in perspective, I have 6-8 hours a month (3-4 hours twice a month) of paid cleaning help. That means that, as long as Lynda keeps coming, it’s true: I don’t really have to mop, or scrub the tub with a vengeance. And the house looks awesome for about 24 hours after she’s been here.
But Lynda’s not a “get out of housecleaning free” card. I still have to: do the dishes and laundry and picking up every day; vacuum, dust, sweep; clean the toilets and the sinks and the counters and wipe down the appliances.
It’s amazing how quickly things get messed up in our house. I spend at least an hour each day cleaning and scrubbing and picking up, on top of my full-time job writing, on top of my equally full-time job mothering. Could I do it without Lynda? Yes-I have before-but when it came time to decide which thing would go: the cleaning person or the cable package (the monthly cost was about equal) I chose to nix the cable.
I’m kind of scratching my head that admitting I hire help would cause you to doubt my cleaning advice…mostly because I don’t really think I dole out a lot of “cleaning” advice! I’m more about figuring out ways to make your household function in a way that works for you. That means figuring out what’s really important to you, delegating, skipping some stuff and having a good attitude about the stuff you can’t foist off to somebody else or avoid entirely. Believe me, there is still plenty of that even when you have (very) part-time paid help.
Just curious: would you have felt the same way if I’d said I delegated 8 hours a month of housecleaning to my kids or my spouse? I think the fact that it’s a paid, outside person often causes a different visceral reaction, which I understand, but you have to admit it’s not entirely logical.
I think working-at-home moms walk a difficult line sometimes. We’re expected to occupy both worlds: working to support our families financially without ever admitting that we can’t, in actuality, earn an income plus raise the kids plus do every bit of housecleaning by ourselves. I’ve had plenty of months as a freelancing mom where I didn’t have cleaning help, but during those months, my floors were a little bit more dirty and I was a lot more frazzled. I look at my outside help as a time-management decision.
We all have to make choices about the way we spend our time, and right now, this arrangement makes the most sense for us. That doesn’t mean I don’t understand how it is to be without help (boy do I ever) or that I think everything should be outsourced. But I absolutely believe that part of finding the happy medium is figuring out what HAS to be done, what SHOULD be done, and how to get those things done while keeping a productive, positive attitude about it all. Yes, Lynda takes some work off my plate, but cleaning lady or no, I flex those “positive attitude” muscles every single day when staring down yet another sink full of dishes, peed-on toilet, overflowing basket of laundry or jumble of shoes by the front door.
Thanks for that reply. And I’m 100% on board with the idea that we all decide how to manage our households in a way that makes sense for each of us. I am also a work-at-home freelancer so I imagine we have some similar tensions/dynamics among paid work, housework, child care, and just being able to hang out with our family members without feeling pressured to do anything productive!
My comment wasn’t at all to criticize your choice to pay someone to clean. It’s a great choice and one I plan to make when we have a bit more wiggle room in our budget. But to answer your question, yes, I would have a different reaction if you said you delegated 8 hours/month of work to spouse or children. That’s a horse of a different color. To me, delegating tasks to a husband who is working more than full-time (which mine does, sounds like maybe yours does too) and to children who 1) don’t always do things very well, and 2) are under their own time pressures from homework, music practice, sports, and the need to just be kids and run around the neighborhood with their friends, is a completely different thing than delegating tasks to someone who is in your home expressly to clean, and is being paid to do it. Delegating to that person means you can essentially forget about whatever task you’ve delegated, delegate it without thinking about how doing so will impact your relationship with your family member or his/her stress level, and be assured it WILL get done without your having to think about it. That’s a pretty awesome thing. It takes stress away from you in a way that delegating to family members doesn’t. At least not in my family!
To me, the fact that you have some paid help is an important (really, a key) part of your particular home/family/work/housework equation, so I think it belongs front and center in any discussion of how you manage cleaning and organizing. Obviously, you still have to clean and organize regularly. Obviously, it doesn’t take all the housework off your shoulders. But it’s a pretty big game changer. At least, for me it would be, because if someone else was doing the heavier cleaning twice a month, then I think I’d be more content and satisfied with my daily “trigger task” list, which I generally get done without much stress. I do that stuff without really thinking about it. I fold laundry while watching TV. I simply can’t go to bed if there are dishes in the sink. I really don’t mind most of that. I just do it as part of my daily schedule, and can do it while talking with my kids or husband, talking on the phone, thinking about my next blog post, etc.
I wasn’t objecting to the FACT of your having paid help (because I plan to join you there one of these days), but to how it was casually mentioned in the “delegation” section as if delegating to a paid cleaning person was the same as asking your kids to put away their own clean laundry or wipe down the shower after they use it. I just don’t think it is along the same lines. I get that your advice is more about managing a household and all its many tasks in a way that makes sense for each mom’s situation, rather than “cleaning” advice (poor choice of words on my part!). But having a paid person, even just a few hours a month, makes for a very different approach to the daily cleaning/organizing stuff. You have a bit of a safety valve (albeit a tiny one) that I don’t.
OK, does that make sense? I’m really, really not criticizing the choice itself! More questioning why you stuck it in with “delegating” as if it’s the same as delegating to family members. I think I was mostly surprised that, having read your blog for a couple of months now, that’s the first time I’d seen you mention paid help (I certainly could have missed it before…don’t read every day), and to me, having paid help is a rather central, not peripheral, part of how you manage your household.
Thanks for clarifying, Ellen. I understand you aren’t criticizing the choice to have a cleaner, but I did bristle a bit at the idea that having outside help might make my overall perspective about cleaning seem less credible…mostly because I’ve been doing this mom/homemaker thing for going on 14 years now, and have only had outside help for a very small percentage of that time. Even now, there are months when Lynda doesn’t come for one reason or other-the house doesn’t fall apart during that time and I don’t suddenly become crankier-we just manage.
I’ve learned a lot about prioritizing and home management over the years, and while having a cleaning service right now definitely takes a nice chunk of work off my plate, it’s not, as Leah said below, a magic bullet.
I actually have written here about having cleaning help before, most specifically in this older post: http://thehappiestmom.com/?p=1168 and I have mentioned it here and there in other posts as well. As for why I haven’t put that detail more front and center in each post about cleaning? Well, I guess there are a few reasons.
For one thing, I fear constantly hearing about my cleaning person would seem kind of obnoxious to those people who aren’t in a place where they can justify the expense. I also wouldn’t want anyone who doesn’t or can’t have a cleaning service to think that the only way to be happy in your home is to have paid outside help. Absolutely not true. I learned how to be a happy “good enough” homemaker prior to getting cleaning help, in spite of the fact that my floors were a little stickier then.
Second, it’s kind of irrelevant in light of the larger picture. We all have different factors that may make the job of managing our households easier or harder, relatively speaking. One mom might have four kids under five and the other might have one child who’s in school all day. On the other hand, the first mom might have a spouse who’s home at 5 every night while the other works out of the home and has a traveling partner. We are all sitting on a pile of details that make our lives different from others’, but the general principles I’m talking about here-approaching messes with a positive attitude, tackling the things that matter most first, delegating, deciding what can be skipped entirely-apply no matter what your specific situation is. Edited to add here: Ellen, you mentioned you have a physical disability, which adds another level of difficulty to your specific situation. But also, there are standards to consider. What’s “decently” clean to you? That might look different than somebody else’s version. Smaller or bigger houses make a difference. Ages of kids, attention spans of kids, helpfulness of spouse, whether or not there is child care help of any kind…my point is, we are all working with a unique set of circumstances. Paid help or not (okay, unless you have Alice from the Brady Bunch), we moms have a lot of work to do, and even when you know somebody is coming to help you every two weeks, those 13 days in between can still feel mighty long when you’re slogging through another pile of toys on the floor or yet another pile of dishes in the sink.
Oops, one other thing. To me, the cleaning service does feel peripheral in that I mostly talk here about the day-to-day cleaning/organizing tasks that I and most moms face daily. Picking up the toys, keeping the clothes clean, that sort of thing. The stuff Lynda does for me is mostly the stuff that, if I did not have a cleaner, either wouldn’t get done or would get very rarely done. Mopping the floors and washing baseboards DO feel, to me, rather peripheral. They are nice to have done, but not absolutely necessary on a daily or even weekly (or let’s face it, sometimes even monthly) basis.
I also wanted to add a sincere “thanks” for being honest about your feelings-I do not ever want to seem disingenuous here, or like I’m skipping over important details about my life that would make a huge impact in my ability to manage/ease stress/stay happy. (I promise, I do not have a secret live-in nanny lurking about!) But, I also don’t want this blog to be all about Me and the specifics of my life. I share what I’ve learned throughout my various different stages of motherhood, so my reality today, right now, is relevant but not the whole story. Really, this blog is more about all of you than it is about me.
Thanks for being gracious and saying “thanks,” and for explaining your perspective further. It makes a lot of sense. My reaction was really an emotional one based on learning something I didn’t know before that seemed pretty central, and that changed how I read/received your thoughts on cleaning/organizing. To use an analogy, I’m something of a gardener and go to an annual garden tour in our town to get ideas and see what other people have done. I connect in a much different way with those gardens that I know are done completely by the homeowners in their spare time (as mine is, which is why there are always, always weeds!) than I do with those gardens where I know the homeowners have professional help with planning or maintenance. I will appreciate things about all the gardens, and can get ideas or learn about new plants whether a garden is completely DIY or has some professional help. But when it comes down to asking myself, “Could I do this with my yard?” the answer will be very different. With the DIY gardens, I have the sense of having a kindred spirit, someone who gardens the way I do and has figured some stuff out that I can really learn from because they approach things as I do with a similar set of tools and resources. With the ones that have some help, I see a beautiful garden and might pick up a few ideas. But I don’t have the same emotional connection that inspires me and makes me feel empowered to try something new or different. I don’t know if that really explains my reaction further. As I said originally, I wasn’t sure whether to bring it up or not. I’m a blogger too, and I always appreciate when people let me know that they heard something in a way that I perhaps did not intend it, or read something into a post that I didn’t realize they would read into it. So, there it is. Thanks for your thorough replies.
One more thing (and can I say how glad I am that you made three separate comments in your last response, because I sometimes feel like I’m the only professional writer out there who can’t get my *@&#$ together to say everything I mean the first time?!). I understand that you’re focusing about the day-to-day cleaning/organizing stuff that is necessary whether or not we have any paid help. What I was getting at in my second comment is that I think that, for me, having some (even minimal) paid help would really change how I approach the daily stuff, as well as how I feel about it. As things are now, I can be on top of my game all day, getting the dishes done, the laundry done, the clutter put away. And at the end of the day, I still end up feeling like I’m on one of those hamster treadmills, working working working without going anywhere. Because while I managed those daily tasks well, the shower is still gunky, the kitchen floor still sticky, the furniture still dusty. And I know that stuff won’t change until I set aside some major time to deal with it, which means neglecting other things that are important: work, kids, time to just read a book or go on a walk with my family. (Neglecting my kids in a benign sense….they are all fed and cared for!). So for me, having some minimal paid help would completely change my relationship with and emotional reaction to the daily stuff. Maybe it doesn’t really change the daily stuff for you…We are all, as you say, dealing with our own circumstances, triggers, and preferences.
I think one major result of this conversation is that I need to figure out a way to pay for some help in the coming year!
I think one thing that’s the same no matter whether you have a big house or small, hired help or none, etc, is-once you focus your attention in one area, something else has got to go. I look at hiring help as buying myself a chunk of time that I can use for something else. If I didn’t have my cleaning person come, I wouldn’t do ALL the things she does, but I’d still try to do SOME of them…which would mean either sacrificing time with the kids or sacrificing time working (or both.) Or maybe sacrificing sleep. Or just sacrificing the idea of a clean house at all. Sheesh, all the sacrifice!
I’m going to be writing more about hiring help this week and I hope you’ll join in the discussion!
Feeling The guilt you feel over sitting your kid at the tv or whatnot is justified. Find him a friend or maybe find another way to get some help around the house (time bank, high school students are cheap if less efficient, other bartering, etc.). You are looking at your options from a limited and fearful point. It sounds to me like you’re feeling the way you do because you haven managed your time or resources in a way that allows you to feel adequate. You’re not inadequate, but it doesn’t sound as if you’ve tried anything creative, and you have NOT appealed to your community for help.
I have a young lady come in to help me (as in she follows me around for the day and does what I ask her to) in exchange for making extras of some of the herbal teas I make from my garden. I also have a young man who moved here from Israel comes to help with the garden, which he does for very cheaply ($10/ 6 hour day) because I am teaching him English diction and grammar.
There seems to be a general lack of creativity and self-reliance among adults today. From my perspective, even the folks who are known for those qualities (home makers!) have become stuck in the idea that the only food you can get is from a store, the only help you can hire is professional, and that the only way to take care of their family and home properly is to have enough money. I haven’t had a “regular job” in 8 years, during 3 of which I’ve been a single mom.
So, without seeming “curmudgeonly”, but instead I’d rather seem critical and perhaps judgemental (it’s how we primates motivate each other towards change) treat yourself and your kid better. Find another way to approach your “big cleaning days”. You are not a cleaning lady, you manage a household. If you are feeling like your job requires distasteful things from you then you are doing it wrong. I’m not saying you need to hire someone. Personally, I like my first suggestion better, find your son a friend to be with during the time you need to do the big jobs. Sounds like he could use a friend anyway. Sounds like you could too. Make a community by engaging them in your every day life.
Curious, Twinkies – are you responding to me specifically? I am actually pretty satisfied with our home-care arrangement and the tradeoffs we make in getting some things done while letting others slide.
Your comment did raise an interesting point, though – is “judgment” really what motivates primates to change? Or inspiration? For me judgment acts as a deterrent, actually. I would much rather aspire to be like somebody I admire than take suggestions from somebody I think is looking down on me.
Meagan,
Thank you so much for sharing that you have some cleaning help. I don’t have nearly the justifications that you do (I have one child, I don’t make any money), but my husband and I decided that it was a good use of money because doing that cleaning made me miserable and we can afford to pay someone. It has increased my level of happiness incredibly! I would rather make trade-offs like eating less meat or not going out to eat to save the money that I spend on cleaning help.
I have been beating myself up about this because I am reticent to tell people about my cleaning help. I feel like since I’m staying at home with my daughter, the household duties are my responsibility. However, it is blog posts like yours that help me lift that guilt from my shoulders and say that I don’t have to do it all. And that doesn’t make me a bad mom or a bad person.
Thank you!
I tend to struggle with clutter more than I struggle with the cleaning of tubs/mopping/etc. For that reason I think my reaction to hearing about hired cleaning help was more “She has time to keep the house picked up enough to have a cleaning person over?!?”
In my family we could afford it, and my husband has suggested it, and to be completely honest, it would add another layer of stress to my homemaking that I just can’t handle. I am making baby steps toward organizing and keeping the clutter away better than I have in the past, but knowing I had to get the floors and surfaces clear and have everything in its place every week or two is just not something that would help reduce my stress right now.
That said, before my husband suggested it and I had to think deeply about the realities of it, I would probably have agreed with Ellen, and then I would have realized that Meagan is right about the WAHM conundrum too. So I guess my perspective is that I see everyone’s point and I am a big lame people-pleaser that way (;-)), but I do think that having professional cleaning help isn’t necessarily a magic bullet for reducing cleaning stress.
“For that reason I think my reaction to hearing about hired cleaning help was more “She has time to keep the house picked up enough to have a cleaning person over?!?” :)”
Ha! I totally hear you-this was one of my initial hesitations, too. It’s actually great incentive to keep the house picked up, but it was really stressful for me the first few times. It’s become more like a habit now.
There’s a lot of accuracy to what you’ve said. My husband and I made a deal when we got out of school – he’d pay for a cleaning service and I wouldn’t nag (much) about housework. I just typed and deleted three paragraphs about why that works for us, but suffice to say it met his goal of not spending lots of our precious free time cleaning and my goal of having a house I could live in. But, I didn’t realize until the cleaning ladies were coming that it meant extra work for me in some ways. I clear the clutter daily, but not necessarily all at the same time. And there are things we tend to let sit that can’t if they are coming. There were several years when I groaned to realize the cleaning ladies were coming the next day and it meant everything had to be put away the night before. Ironically, having a baby who gets in to everything (and thus lots of incentive to keep stuff picked up) has made this much easier, but still… No leaving the clean dishes in the sink that morning unless I want to be re-washing them when I get home.
As of the end of May, I’m going to be a full-time homemaker with no job. The cleaning ladies stay (despite my guilt pangs and at the insistence of my husband, who says it defeats the point of my staying home if now I have to spend that time cleaning instead of with the baby), but I’m thinking it will mean developing a new routine. And in some ways it would be easier to just live with the sloth and not have them! Except, for me, it wouldn’t be and so they stay.
Just curious, will you leave the house when your cleaning lady comes? We have been toying with the idea if hiring a cleaning service, but as a stay at home mom with 3 children under 3-years-old we don’t leave the house much. Are you supposed to be gone when people clean your home? If not, how do you stay out of the way?
I always try to make sure the Kitchen, bathrooms, and master bedroom are in order. If they aren’t I could have worked my but off all day, and my husband would think I did nothing. Those are the things that are important to him, and thus to a happy home. I am not much of a housekeeper, but work daily because I know an important part of my marriage.
I think it’s great you have someone to come couple times a month. I am trying to talk my husband that we should get someone too! I am expecting my 6th so it has been hard to keep up… but I am learning my trigger points are to do dishes and counters.
and it is good to know that even if I did have a house keeper come once a week, I still would be doing most of the work to keep up the house. I think what I am dreaming of having is a full time housekeeper, but then that would be my job!
Hmm. I think dishes and laundry are my trigger tasks. I always take care of the laundry myself (though I’m not so good at folding and putting it away), but I try to delegate the dishes to my husband, or anyone else who is willing.
This post is making me think I should be doing them myself, since it drives me crazy not having dishes or counter space to cook with. My husband does them eventually, but lets them pile up for days. I just never seem to be able to find the time, and I hate doing them.
I’m going to make a new effort to keep on top of them though. I can’t leave my sanity up to somebody else.
Vacuuming is a trigger task for me because we have two cats, one black dog and cream colored carpet. I vacuum every other day without fail. Dishes I don’t like, but my husband helps and we got a dishwasher last year and that helps a lot.
Things I don’t do very often or almost never – mopping with a bucket of hot water happens maybe twice a year. I do use a swiffer wet cloth once a month or so to get the worst of it. (My kitchen floor has a pattern that does not show dirt and grime. This is good and bad.) And I think I’ve only washed our windows once in the 5 yrs we’ve lived in this house. However, that is on my spring to do list this year.
Well many days my house is not much better than a disaster zone. I work 4 hours a day outside of the home, but with my commute I’m out 6+ hours. Last thing I want to do is clean when I’ve been missing my kids! I have little ones, (3 1/2 year old boy, 1 1/2 year old girl) they aren’t much help with cleaning, but we’ll get there. They both have chores, putting their toys away, clothes in the hamper, 1 year old feeds the dog, 3 year old sets the table etc.
I usually wait until the kids go to bed to do anything because they like to “help” by either making the chore take twice as long or undoing what I just did (like unfolding the laundry I just folded). The kitchen is my control zone. 2 counters are absolutely perfect. I keep them clean and cleared of clutter, at the end of the day, it makes me feel better knowing I accomplished something even if it was just the kitchen counters. I also do the floors. This I consider a safety thing. At the end of the day all toys, shoes etc get picked up and put away (and occasionally just pushed off to the side). I don’t want anyone getting up at night and tripping.
I absolutely HATE putting away laundry and doing dishes. I don’t mind gathering, sorting, washing or folding laundry but then I end up with baskets and baskets of clean clothes that just never seem to get put away. My husband works outside the home 10-12 hours a day but he helps me out with laundry and dishes. Whatever laundry sits until the weekend he outs away on Sundays. And i try to dishes as I cook but most times I end up with a pile in the sink, he’ll finish up the dishes for me when he gets home or when he gets up the next morning.
Floors are a mixed thing for me. I like them clear with no obstacles and I HATE the dog hair on the carpet so I try to vacuum the lounge room often, but I couldn’t care less about the kitchen floor! I don’t let the kids play in there unless its arts and crafts then that’s at the table. (I consider it a safety thing, don’t want to be tripping carrying something hot etc) and since the kids aren’t crawling, I don’t care if the floor is messy. We use the door in the kitchen to come in and out of the house. Between the dog, my husband’s work boots, messy kids and our HORRIBLE tile (it looks pitted, has these tiny little holes that collect the dirt), it always looks disgusting. 10 minutes after I wash the floor, it looks like it needs to be washed again!
I do find myself wishing for a Laundry fairy who puts our clothes away (and does dishes and replaces tile in her free time)
I’m still trying to figure out a system that works for me and my husband. I tried talking to him to find out what his “trigger tasks” were and he basically told me that everything was equally important and equally necessary to his happiness. I’m just trying to figure out what my personal triggers are, because I just don’t know myself well enough to reliably be able to say. I only know that I really need to put away the clothes when they come out of the dryer. It’s because I haven’t used an iron since becoming a mother. I know our clothes will look awful AND be difficult to find if I don’t hang them up promptly. And they will stay in the dryer or laundry basket for the whole week
Having got that out of the way, I appreciate your honesty in talking about having minimal hired help. It does make quite a difference! Back when I thought I could afford my home AND my child AND a cleaning service, I had one that came with about the same frequency. It was quite a shock when we had to let them go and then find time to do the cleaning on top of working and taking care of a child with acid reflux who doesn’t sleep reliably. That little housework help was really good for our marriage for the time that we had it. And we really needed any help we could get.
That’s hard that your husband can’t identify triggers-and my guess is that he DOES have specific triggers but just isn’t aware of what they are. And maybe testing him out on different ones wouldn’t be so fun!
The working part is what really threw off the kids/cleaning balance for me. For me to be able to get what Lynda gets done in 3 hours-with no toddlers hanging off her legs-would take me all day. That’s a day lost to the kids and my work. It really does reduce stress to have her around, but I still have to hustle 13 days out of 14, or else I’d have one day of awesome cleanliness and then 13 days of living in a pit waiting for her to come again. (How is it possible that houses get messed up so fast?)
Great post. It was a good exercise to really think about what my “triggers” were. For me, its dishes/kitchen counters/clutter on floors. These need to be done nightly or I simply can’t rest. Laundry has always been “my” chore, since I don’t MIND doing it, and I do try to stay on top of it, but its not something that drives me batty if its not done.
The conversation re: hired help was also very interesting. We hired someone to come every 3 weeks (we budgeted for the year, and really couldn’t afford every 2 weeks) since my son was born last year. It was really straining my sanity and our marriage dealing with a colicky baby, then arguing over who had to scrub the tub. My husband, who had always thought it was “wrong” to hire someone to clean your house (I was ambivalent about it…but basically never felt the need before when it was just the two of us), had a change of heart and suddenly was the one insisting.
Yes, this takes some of the big tasks out of the picture (which is a HUGE mental relief) but the daily stuff (vacuuming the tan dog hair out the red rug, sweeping toddler crumbs/dog food/dirt, picking up books & toys, dishes & kitchen cleaning) still need to be done. Definitely not a free pass, but does take a lot of the stress off…since there are a few less overall tasks to plan for and complete.
And yes, the de-cluttering before she comes is stressful, but helpful. It’s launched me into some very quick, productive organizing sessions, with piles of mail and miscellaneous nonsense we’ve let build up.
The hiring help topic is evidently a hot one! I’ll be posting about it later this week. Ana, like you I find the fact that somebody’s coming over to clean a great incentive to keep things picked up. It’s like expecting company, only the kind of company who will be looking in your drawers and inspecting the toilet rim…LOL!
I can’t stand dishes being left on the counter. Can’t. Stand. It.
I can’t stand doing laundry and will put it off as long as possible. I’ve been doing this for 22 years, since college. Now I have a child who wears a uniform to school so I have to do laundry weekly and that is No. Fun.
I have a lady come in every two weeks. Should I expect her to vacuum under the beds, around the edges and under the chesterfield and easy chair?
Hi, fellow moms! I just had to chime in, even though I’m so old: 51, and the mother of three (23, 18, and 15).
Why am I on this sweet site? Because I don’t care how old you are or how old your kids get, you still wonder, “How could I do this better?” And Meagan’s advice popped up during my Google search!
Good advice, Meagan! I like it! Best of all, after 29 years of marriage, I’d say this attitude works. We have to prioritize; otherwise, we’d go mad. Not every task is as important as the next. Right now, I’m frustrated, but only because I’m having a bunch of old friends over next weekend for a reunion and have so many tasks to do (and I work, too, and help my mother.
I won’t go into how much kids should pitch in-mine will, but please refer to their ages!-and I will say that there have been times when I have had paid cleaning help every other week (although it has been awhile).
But I will say that NOTHING is as important as spending time with your family! I remember how much I used to fret over an unmopped floor or messy kitchen. (I think knowing things were clean gave me a sense of control when my kids were younger and running every which-way.) I don’t regret TRYING, but I do regret letting a messy house bother me as much as it did. Now, I can’t remember when my house was messy and when it was clean. No, all I’m trying to remember are the details of all the wonderful family times we’ve had.
I think you hear where I”m coming from.
That doesn’t solve the problem of frustration because there’s a huge mess and here comes your mother-in-law, I know, but believe me, your real friends don’t care and your family will be fine in a reasonably clean home with good food to eat and clean clothes.
That said, what works for me, here in my semi-neat home, is to devote certain days to certain tasks. Monday is often laundry and vacuuming day, for example. Maybe that will work for you, too. My MIL’s approach of doing a different room a day didn’t work for me; I wanted to have some closure, you know? A day without a major task like vacuuming or cleaning toilets . . .
I think you just have to find what works for you and try to stick to it-and give yourself a break in weeks when a kid’s got an ear infection or you have a deadline of some sort.