From the beginning of the year, my kindergarten son’s bus drop-off has been sort of a thorn in my side.
In the morning Owen walks down to the community bus stop with his older brother (you can see the two of them wedged in the door together in the photo above.) Since our district does half-day kindergarten, they have historically dropped off kindergarteners right at the house.
But because the bus route changed this year, Owen’s drop-off location was switched to the corner at the end of our block. So I’ve had plenty of days when I’ve had to run for the corner with Clara under one arm, days that I’ve stood in the rain (with Clara under one arm), days when I’ve trudged through the snow (with Clara and the little boy I babysit twice a week under each arm.)
Not a huge deal, but definitely a grating little daily annoyance that I looked forward to being done with.
But yesterday was Owen’s last day of Kindergarten, and as I stood at the corner in the rain and drizzle, it occurred to me that this would be the last time he’d ride the bus home at midday.
Next year he’ll ride with his older brother and cousin in the afternoon; they’ll walk the final block to my house. I may occasionally walk down there and meet them, but it won’t be the same.
Yesterday was the last time I’d stand in anticipation of his little backpacked self jumping eagerly off the bus at noon; the last time we’d share the slow walk home all by ourselves.
And then I remembered that after this year, the district is going to all-day kindergarten. Clara will never ride the noon bus. Which, I realized, meant that this would be the very last time I would stand at that corner waiting for the bus.
I strained my eyes for a glimpse of the bus as the church bells chimed twelve o’clock, anticipating Owen’s dimples and the excited sparkle in his eye as he’d tell me about his snack (always his favorite topic of school conversation.)
I took the opportunity to notice, to appreciate, to savor it all.
But how many “lasts” do I miss, not realizing they won’t happen again?
The last time my oldest two sons took a bath together, crowded in side-by-side with their quickly-growing legs stretched out long.William has decided he prefers showers; perhaps that “last” has passed for him, too.
The last time Clara nursed. I figured we had a session or two left in there, and don’t really remember the specifics.
The last time any of my three oldest boys climbed into my bed in the middle of the night.
The last time Owen wore this shirt:
which had been passed down through four brothers, starting with Jacob in Kindergarten:
Until, faded and worn, it essentially disintegrated in the wash a couple of months ago.
So many unnoticed lasts.
Of course, there’s no way to record and acknowledge them all, and I’d probably drive myself crazy if there were. I’m already prone to morbid thoughts like “I wonder if I’ll ever visit this town again before I die,” or “I wonder if that’s the cemetery I’ll be buried in.”
If there was some way to track the exact last time each little milestone happens, I probably couldn’t function for trying to memorialize and document them all.
Still. It felt like a gift, that little moment of realization in the rain. It doesn’t happen often, but knowing without a doubt that this will be the last time I (fill in the blank) shakes me out of my distracted complacency, makes me take notice.
This, what’s happening all around me and sometimes getting in my way, is life. The only life I’ll ever get. The only 89th day of second-grade or 1100th day of life or second Tuesday in June 2012 my kids will ever get.
And while I know that life really is too full and too busy and too imperfect to go around celebrating every moment, every first, every potential last…
…well, sometimes it’s just nice to have the reminder.
What “lasts” have you noticed? Which have you missed?
All of those “lasts” are coming fast and furious with my youngest (11 mos) growing so fast. They make me so sad especially when I think soon he won’t nurse anymore, take bottles & I’ll be done pumping (well some lasts you can look forward to:). And since I have 2 girls and 3rd is a boy I see all the girl stuff they are outgrowing & think “no one will wear these hair bows or girl hats again” (sob sob!). I love this age with young kids even though its so hard! Makes me want to stay in it forever!
I don’t know if this helps you at all, but my “last time they’ll wear this” moments seemed to be eased by passing the clothes along. Most get passed on to a second hand store, but my ‘special’ ones only get passed on to someone I know in person, a friend or family member. That way I get to see them being used again, and it brings a little joy to my heart each time as it brings back memories for me and helps create new memories for another mother.
It’s a little harder to handle when the ‘special’ things are so damaged that they can’t be passed on, like Meagan’s boys’ red shirt.
While I don’t know for certain, I believe this will be the last Friday I’m a mom of just 1. I’m so glad I get a 2nd chance at noticing all the “lasts” again! It all went by so fast the first time!
This post couldn’t have come at a better time! My boys graduated preschool last night, and although my husband and I haven’t made this public yet, we are going to start homeschooling our children next year, which means we might have just witnessed our last graduation ceremony EVER.
I’ll admit, last night was kind of tough for me. I’m a sucker for marking special occasions with ceremonies anyway, but last night got me, especially when I realized this might be THE last.
Great post, beautiful sentiment. Thank you for sharing!
Seriously, you make me cry every time I read your posts.
You’re wonderful.
Just this morning I was thinking how saw I was that nursery was almost over for my three year old. She was so happy in school this year, I wish it could have kept going for her – and for me. Her baby cheeks probably wont stick around for kindergarten…Sigh.
It’s so important to look around and really see what’s around and show gratitude.
Meagan, you must read this poem at Literary Mama (if you haven’t already). I think of it every time I pick up my not-so-little-anymore boy.
There is always changes in our life. It is really awesome to look on the past and see what are necessary things to expect in the future. Your kid Owen will surely experience new changes in schooling and for sure he is excited to face it.
This idea of “lasts” has been on my mind since I read this post (http://alphamom.com/parenting/the-last-time/) from Chris Jordan. My son is 7 months old, and I find myself wishing to stop time almost on a daily basis because it feels like it’s all going by too fast! I suppose that means I’ll be less likely to feel like it all happened when I wasn’t paying attention, but it makes it all feel so fleeting. Absolutely beautiful, but fleeting.
I also know the feeling of realizing the “last times” of my life. I am very happy that I came into this blog. What was your most memorable “last time”? Thank you very much for sharing this article.
-Jannie
This hits home with me big-time. I have only one child, and it is going by way too fast. When he was a baby, I cried every time I had to move him up a size in clothing and get rid of the smaller size. I have cried when getting rid of certain toys. Some lasts creep up on me, but most I’m very aware of, and it’s very hard. When I was struggling with infertility and miscarriages, even though the wait seemed interminal, I was reasonably certain that eventually, one way or another, I would be a mother (of a living child). It never dawned on me that even though those years were painful, there is something to be said for looking forward to babyhood, as opposed to my situation now where babyhood is now in the past. The flip side of all this is that I think I enjoy motherhood more than the average mother. Because I’m so aware of how limited my time as a mother of a young child is, I am not prone to wishing away these years.
“Lasts” have been sneaking up on me all too often these days as well. With my first child, I looked forward to him getting bigger. He has a challenging temperament, and each last was met with a “Phew, we made it through that one.” But my littlest (and last, or course) has been an easy, and highly enjoyable infant and toddler. I dread his lasts, and find myself taking more and more photographs to try to capture them permanently.
Well, you went and made me cry the pent-up tears that have been holding on for a couple of days – happy now? ?
I just went to my LAST kindergarten graduation ever. I made it through without crying (who wants their 6 year old to be embarrassed and say MOM!!!! STOP IT!)
Then I find out yesterday it was our last day ever for our beloved bus driver. He’s been driving all our kids for 7+ years. And I’ll never stand in our driveway watching the kindergarten bus come around to pick up cute little kids with backpacks that are half as big as they are. (we had afternoon kindergarten.)
So, I am noticing the “lasts” a lot more this week and trying to treasure them all up. Frankly, it’s making me a drippy mess, but I’ll take every “last” one of them! Thanks for the great post – it’s good to step back and savor:)
My oldest son is just finishing up his first year of Kindergarten next week as well! He went half days too, so while I’m a bit sad his full day “career” of the next 12 years of his life will be spent primarily away from me, I’m also so proud to see his move him move on to this next step. I guess like most things in parenting that 1st child through the various stages, I’m torn.
we just had our last baby so i’m aware of the last pregnancy, time she’ll wear this little onesie…but i missed the last time my son used to sing “mama” to me.
Another great post, making me think back to some last times I have missed, among those I’ve commemorated.
This year was the last time I’ll have a child in preschool and I made mental note of the last check I wrote (small celebration) for it and the last day of the last year of preschool (small sadness).
What I missed was the last time at the bus stop-my kids will be going to a charter school, so won’t ride the bus anymore, and I let the last ride passed unnoticed.
Just like everyone else we are experiencing a lot of ‘lasts’ lately. I’m going to be there to take pictures of my oldest on her last day of school as a 1st grader…we are really going to miss the school and her classmates over the summer!