Yesterday I read an article in the Washington Post called “The Test of Time” in which Brigid Schulte, a Post staffer and busy mom of two, tried to find out what’s happening to all her alleged “leisure time” (according to researcher John Robinson, about 30 hours a week). From the piece:
“I am like the Red Queen from “Alice in Wonderland,” forever running faster and getting nowhere. Entire hours evaporate while I’m doing stuff that needs to get done, but once I’m done, I can’t tell you what it was I did or why it seemed so important. At work, I arrange carpools to band practice and ballet. At home, I write e-mails, and do interviews and research for work. “Just a sec,” I hear my daughter mimicking me as she mothers her dolls. “Gimme a minute.” She just stuck a yellow sticky note on my forehead to tear me away from writing this story, at 9:35 p.m., to remind me I’m late to come read Harry Potter for story time. Most days, I feel so overwhelmed that I barely have time to breathe.”
Though Schulte claims, early in the piece, to have an overall happy life, that disclaimer is a bit hard to swallow when faced with passages like this and others sprinkled throughout the story. Can anyone really be happy when they can’t breathe? As I read on, I couldn’t shake the feeling that Schulte views herself as a victim of her own too-busy life.
To be fair, Schulte’s position, as a staffer for a major newspaper, is likely a lot more intense than my own career as a freelance writer. On the other hand, her two kids are school-age, and two of my five are home with me all day. So while I can’t perfectly understand her life and the stresses she faces, I can definitely relate to the feeling of trying to meet a deadline while kids need me in the background (ask how many interruptions I have dealt with while writing this post!), staying up too late, getting up too early, never doing anything quite as well as I would like. Yes, sometimes I feel overwhelmed.
But if I had to be perfectly honest with you I think I probably average more than 30 hours a week in leisure. I know that doesn’t jive with our cultural obsession with busy-ness, but I rather enjoy being not all that busy and am not ashamed to admit it. Of course, I don’t expect to just wait around for the Leisure Fairy to come by, tap her wand and grant me my 30 hours. Like so many other things in life, I’ve learned that when I want leisure time, I have to demand it.
Much of what Schulte wrote in her piece does ring true for me. I do often feel the pull of my kids’ needs while I’m engaged in a leisure activity, whether it be reading a magazine or watching TV. I am often mentally multi-tasking, thinking of something other than what I’m engaged in and have to bring my focus back to the present again and again, like a meditation practice. Every time I go to the movies I experience at least one “fade out” during a boring or repetitious part, where I find myself obsessing – almost before I know what’s happening – about whether or not I need to go grocery shopping today or if it can wait until tomorrow; whether I remembered to switch the laundry over to the dryer or not. But again, focusing on the present takes practice. And just because I don’t always do it perfectly doesn’t mean that leisure time didn’t “count” or wasn’t worth having. I still enjoy it, even if it’s imperfect. And when I’m too geared up or distracted to enjoy it, it means something in my life needs to shift.
I wonder if this obsession with time – not having enough, trying to find more – just exacerbates this “over-busy” feeling. It’s like when you have insomnia, and can’t stop looking at the clock. The clock reminds you how much sleep you’ve missed and how little you’ll get even if you fall asleep RIGHT NOW. As you hyper-focus on the time, it becomes even harder to fall asleep. Similarly, often I get distracted from whatever it is I’m doing. To allow myself to get further distracted by worrying about my distraction would be just sort of…ridiculously distracting, not to mention counterproductive. Who can ever enjoy herself if she’s always worried about her enjoyment being interrupted?
Yes, it may be a bit hard to swallow the fact that Robinson, an unmarried, childless man seems to be telling moms with spouses and young, needy children and demanding jobs to stop and smell the roses. But let’s not shoot the messenger (or resort to physical violence: on NYT blogger Lisa Belkin’s analysis of the piece, commenter “Ross” wrote: “If I ever meet that Robinson dude I’m going to spend my 30 hours of leisure time as a stay-at-home mom punching him dead in the face.” Yikes!)
This is life: we’re living it right now, and we don’t get a do-over. But neither is it set in stone – it’s a series of small choices we make and priorities we pursue, and we always have the power to shift it in a new direction. It’s OK to ignore the kids for a while and flop down on the sofa with a magazine. It’s OK to hire help. It’s OK to ask more of your spouse or partner. It’s OK to say no to an expensive and time-consuming after-school activity, or to teach your kids to be more self-sufficient so you can do less. It’s also OK to just say, my life is crazy-busy right now and there’s not much I can do about it, so I’m going to find enjoyment where I can…even if I’m not getting my full 30 hours of approved leisure time this week. We can also move toward seeing our kids as more than a job, more than an obligation, and think of them as a big part of our leisure time. I know that’s not easy in today’s high-pressure, high-stakes parenting culture, but I think it’s healthier all around.
I like what my friend Amanda Witman, mom of four, has to say on the topic. “I think the bottom line is, if someone feels they don’t have enough of (fill in the blank…leisure or whatever else) it is their personal challenge to figure out how to shift priorities or choose to gracefully accept the status quo until a shift can be contemplated.”
This new world of parenting means we’re all dealing with shifting responsibilities and different pressures-both economic and social-than previous generations did. But we do have options about the way we live our lives, and we can embrace the good while dealing constructively with the not-so-good. We don’t have to buy into a model of productivity that doesn’t work for us. We can pave our own paths. And my path? Happens to be the leisurely kind.
How much leisure time do you think you get in a week? How do you define leisure? And does it matter to you how much you get—or just how much you enjoy it?
I don’t know how much leisure time I get. I take plenty. I have one child at home and she goes to preschool twice a week, usually. I let a lot of things slide because after 10 years of mommydom and housework, and after getting sick for 2.5 years by working myself too hard, trying to cram in a home business with my regular job, I am burnt out. Once I got sick, I couldn’t do anything, even if I wanted to. I was a blob all day, everyday. Constantly exhausted beyond explanation. Thyroid problem. Now that I have more energy, well, I’m not in the habit of doing much. They say takes 21 days to form a habit? Imagine if you formed a habit of not-much-ness for 2.5 years. It takes a while to get back into the habit of busyness. But really, I feel like I’m at a phase I missed where I’m carving out that time for learning and self-discovery that I would have had in university if I wasn’t popping out babies instead.
I’ve always found it possible to carve out time. It just means that I’m neglecting something else that will bother me in its unfinished state — a trade-off I’m stuck with.
I have lots of leisure time!
I have 4 kids at home, I do part time childcare, I homeschool, two of my kids have special needs, my 2 yr old has reflux and often gets up for the day at 3am, blah, blah, blah…I enjoy my life, reading WITH my kids is leisure time. Playing WITH my kids in the snow is leisure time. Cooking things I love to make, but don’t have to, like beautiful artisan style bread, is leisure time. Knitting my kids socks, hats mitts, is leisure time.
What I’m missing out on is enough sleep, and thats because I make time for ALONE time too. If I went to bed right after the kid’s bedtime I’d get enough sleep too, but I’m making a CHOICE to trade that sleep for soaking in the tub without an audience…oh yeah…and time with my partner.
I’m not really sure how I define leisure time, so it’s hard to say how much I actually get. I will say that I’ve recently decided to do something with my kids every day that is fun and mildly exerting. Call it play, because that’s what it is. It’s probably 20 minutes a day, but it’s making me feel better. Instead of spending my time with my children focusing on what I’m NOT accomplishing and what a mess THEY’RE making and so on I am taking some time to go with the flow, and it’s helping. Sometimes I think we really shoot ourselves in the foot because we spend more time worrying and arguing about how we have no time than if we just let our hair down once in a while.
“We can also move toward seeing our kids as more than a job, more than an obligation, and think of them as a big part of our leisure time.”
I LOVE this line. Hanging out with your children can be a lot of fun and so can hanging out with other adults while the kids run amok. The trick is to let things slide (although sometimes I really wonder how much more I can possibly let slide). I didn’t want to ruin our fun afternoon today by ignoring my needy, sniffly baby to try to prepare a proper meal, so we had a “field trip” to pick up Dad from work and then ate downtown.
But also, reading blogs like this is leisure and so much of my “work” is half work, half fun. I just need to remember to focus on the fun.
It really depends on how you define leisure, I guess. It’s hard for me to feel like I am experiencing leisure time when my children are awake and with me. The overwhelming feeling of being responsible for them (and their constant pestering me for everything!) keeps me from relaxing and I think relaxing is a key part of the definition of leisure. I think I’ll count evenings after bedtime, though, even when I’m the only adult on official duty (my partner travels for work). In that case, I get about three hours of leisure per day. Add date night and that’s an additional three hours. How much is that? Not quite thirty, but close.
I’m fine with the amount I have, but my big challenge is sleep. I just don’t know how to get more sleep!
Good for you, for enjoying some much needed and deserved leisure time. I know that I quickly lose sight of having fun and what “needs” to be done. Most of the “needs” are just things that I think need to be done. Most of the time, they are things that can wait, or that don’t need to be done at all.
I’m pretty sure I’m falling short of my 30 hours a week right now, but that’s largely b/c of life circumstances and my choices in response to that.
Life circumstances: My husband moved out in July, meaning I have had to assume his responsibilies and work more to earn more income. My choices: To continue to put my children first, which, for me, means that as of this moment, I am continuing to homeschool my children. Most of my daytime hours are devoted to my children while I work evenings and weekends.
I have been building in time for myself, though. I realize that if I don’t do that, I won’t be much good to anyone.
I, like the others above, think it depends on how you define your leisure time. If its the time I spend with my daughter – its around 20 hours a day but if its time where I feel free to do something I enjoy without distractions then I’m probably running a negative total.
To be fair, I’m learning what does and doesn’t count as leisure time for me – like I miss exercising and although I could go out and get a jogging stroller I don’t want to because I want it to be strictly my time and I know I get a lot more out of it (mentally, especially) if its just me. On the other-hand I discovered the other day that I love going out to lunch with Little Miss – I pick a restaurant during a quiet time (i.e. not 12 – 2) and I get to eat grown up food with one of my favourite people (and when the rush is over servers are happy to dote on the cute little redheaded baby – even when she screeches!)
That said I usually get more out of hours enjoying Little Miss (and ignoring things like housework) than pushing myself to try and squeeze everything in and doing nothing completely or well…
Emily, I definitely think that being able to relax and have fun in spite of (sometimes because of-it can be really funny sometimes how chaotic it gets in here when friends are visiting with kids, and we’ve learned to make light of it) all the distractions of having kids just takes time. It’s almost like a skill you develop with experience-the ability to recognize the distraction, but not react to it.
I have a 1-year-old, I freelance full-time, I run a volunteer organization with 1,000 volunteers, and I run a local parents’ group with 60 moms and dads, but I don’t feel “busy.” I have plenty of free time. Part of it was that I examined what I spent my time on and cut out things that weren’t a priority. For example, I blocked my access to a few time-suck websites, and was able to cut my work week down to 2-3 days as a result. I realized that I was spending several hours a day surfing the web while waiting to hear back from editors and sources, and at the end of the day I felt like I had put in a full day’s work — even though I really only worked for a few minutes. Now, I send off the e-mails and instead of sitting there all day waiting for responses, I go off to play with my kid, read, etc.
Rebecca, that’s a very good point-hanging out with other adults while kids run amok can most definitely be leisure time, IF you are relaxed about the kids running amok, and can bring yourself to allow them the space to be a little independent and work through some of their disagreements on their own, etc. And if you don’t mind finding a mess when it’s all over. I always figure the mess is a worthwhile payoff for all the gabbing time I get when my friends bring their young ‘uns over, so we have “kids run amok” sessions over here several times a week. Yes, it’s interrupted by potty emergencies and requests for snacks and the occasional squabble, but overall, it’s still fun. Maybe not freewheeling fun like a night out for drinks with the girls, but a different kind of fun, and less expensive too.
Amber-“Sometimes I think we really shoot ourselves in the foot because we spend more time worrying and arguing about how we have no time than if we just let our hair down once in a while.”
Perfectly said. Yes. Discussing how hard we have it (no matter what “it” is) is only useful if it spurs action, rather than just more discussion.
This is awesome. I freely admit I have a fair amount of leisure time! I only have one child, so far, and she is 8 months old. I work PT, and my daughter goes to bed each night between 6:30 & 7 pm.
I spend too damn much time on Facebook, but that’s another issue (-;
This is exactly right, Meagan: “…it’s a series of small choices we make and priorities we pursue, and we always have the power to shift it in a new direction.” Because we make choices, I get tired of hearing other moms complain about how busy they are, and how many activities their kids are involved in. It’s fine to acknowledge the busy-ness and support each other in it, but if we’re going to complain about it constantly then we need to reevaluate our lives and make some different decisions.
I work as a freelance writer and blogger about 30 hours a week, and each of my three kids (9, 11 & 13) are usually in one extra-curricular activity at a time. We sit down and eat dinner together as a family most nights of the week, because we have decided that’s important. We play games after dinner instead of watching TV. I used to knit and read more often in the evenings than I do now, but I’ve decided that maintaining my blog is important to me, so I often write posts and respond to comments in the evenings. My husband and I also feel that maintaining our friendships is a priority, so we make time each week to invite people over or meet up for a drink.
I’m not saying these priorities should be everyone’s, I’m just demonstrating how we’ve made choices that reflect our priorities and the life we want to live. We can each do that, rather than trying to keep up with everyone else.
I have lots of leisure time. I am working from home now, but I do carve out non-busy time on purpose. I do not do well with running around and a busy schedule. I lived a very hectic life before I had children and knew that I could not keep that up after. Quite simply, I am not a good mother when I get stressed about things and activities piling up. So, purposefully, I make sure to not over schedule us. My children are small – 2.5 and 4 years old. I know the time is coming up where they will have their own activities, even then, I am hoping to keep those at a minimum. It is a hard balance, though.
My favorite leisure time is reading.
Meagan, I am very glad to read your reaction to the Schulte piece in the Post. I initially read the article scratching my head, wondering where my 30 hours of leisure time were going, and, indeed, whether I really had them in the first place.
But I really appreciate the way in which you break down leisure and non-leisure time into a series of choices; for me, this is certainly the way it is. This line – “And just because I don’t always do it perfectly doesn’t mean that leisure time didn’t ‘count’ or wasn’t worth having. I still enjoy it, even if it’s imperfect” – also resonated with me. If I read some blogs, but am interrupted by one of my kids, I need to keep the focus on the fact that I was getting some downtime, not on the fact that I was interrupted.
Meagan, I read that piece this Sunday, relaxing in a leisurely way at my brother’s house in DC, while my kids did … I’m not sure, but I was relaxing. I knew before I even started reading what I would think: If you tell Americans that they have more leisure time than they think, the first thing they’re going to do is call bullshit. We don’t want to believe that we are, in fact, less busy than our parents were, or our grandparents. It’s the “who’s more stressed?” game, and we love to be the losers.
It’s not in the American DNA to take leisure time seriously, as, say, most Europeans do. They laugh their butts off at us, with our 2 weeks a year vacations. We have a lot at stake (as workers, and as moms, especially) in Being Busy and Stressed. I would say don’t get me started, but now I’m started! I already had plans to blog about this myself — just have to, uh, find the time!
Denise
Thanks for writing this. Just today, I was complaining (in my head) that I have no time to myself, that my daily tasks caring for my 11 month old and 2.5 year old are monotonous, that I’m not as good of a mother as I wanted to be, etc., etc. But, you’ve got me thinking that 1- maybe I have more time that I realize and just need to be more mindful of where I spend it and 2- maybe I just need to keep reminding myself to lighten up and have more fun with my bambinos. Here’s hoping I can remember to do this…
It’s all about choice. Most of us are overwhelmed with activities, the same way our houses are overwhelmed with stuff. Most of those activities have been brought into our lives through our decisions, consciously or not. If we want to change our sense of overwhelm we need to realize we have the power to do so and quit being victims of our lives. Having three kids, I realize that some amount of overwhelm comes with the territory, so I try to find ways to enjoy those endless tasks (listening to books on CD in the car with my kids as we drive carpool, sitting with them on the couch while they watch movies and I go online, using dinner prep time to connect with my youngest as she “helps” me). Your attitude does make a difference!
some of thes posts make me feel like I am doing something wrong. Leisure time? Hmm.. 1 hour the month before last. Thanks God my gym membership never expires as I just cannot bear to cancel it as I am sure i might get there next summer. My husband is kind,well-intentioned, a decent grocery shopper by now and many other fine things but I have been asking more of him since I married him and have resorted to sticky notes as long ones did nor work, nor any other type of humane pleading, btw- nor do sticky notes. his intentions are wonderful but if ‘he’ takes his leisure time, when I am home from work, all the kids still have swim lessons, homework help, lessons, practices and the meals and house cleaning calling my name. Clearly, the answer is ignore the house, buy fewer groceries and have fewer kids:-)