You used to climb mountains together. Now you can't seem to climb over the mountain of diapers to answer the phone when she calls.
So your best friend from elementary school-the one you’ve been tight with ever since she plunked her tray down next to yours when you were a lonely new girl in the cafeteria in fourth grade-called you at least six times to ask you to go to lunch last month…but you always let the call go to voice mail because the baby was napping. Now, she’s stopped calling. Does she think you were snubbing her on purpose? Should you invite her over for a lunch date at your house with the baby, or will she think that’s lame and sad?
Or maybe you’ve made a new friend at work and you really click, but you aren’t sure if it’s OK to invite her to a party where kids will be running amock, or wonder if she’ll understand that your Friday nights are reserved for family movie night.
How can mothers and their child-free friends maximize the common ground they share? And how can you hang on to tight friendships-or nurture budding ones-when your lives seem so, well, different?
I asked a bunch of moms and non-moms alike this question, and got a lot of (passionate!) responses. And while the specifics were different, common themes came up:
What moms want their child-free friends to know:
- Our kids are interesting...at least, to us. Remember when we used to talk to each other endlessly about our hoped-for boyfriends, or actual boyfriends, or fiancees, or new husbands, and the other person would listen patiently even though the conversation was sometimes repetitive and usually sappy? This is kind of like that, only the “boy” can’t wipe his own rear yet. We don’t want to bore you, but it would be unnatural not to talk about the small people who make up such a huge part of our lives. One mom I spoke to compared talking about motherhood to talking about a job- you wouldn’t roll your eyes at a friend who was complaining about her boss, even if you couldn’t quite relate, would you? If you find your mom friends gravitating toward topics you don’t personally find appealing or relevant (like, say, episiotomies) try steering the conversation toward something still kid-related, but more palatable. Your friend will get to scratch her “gotta talk about my kids a bit” itch for a bit and you won’t have to try to hide your grimace.
- We want to talk about stuff other than kids, but our knowledge of current events might be a little…uh…rusty. Think of us as a sort of foreign exchange student: we might not know what you’re talking about sometimes, but as long as you’re kind and not condescending, we’ll eagerly lap up any information or gossip you can feed us.
- We need prep time. Gone are the days when 5:00 on Friday night was ample time to warn us about a girl’s night out or a great band that’s playing downtown. You can still try us, of course, if you find out about some fantastic last-minute event (in fact, please do!) but don’t be surprised or resentful if we can’t make it. It usually takes at least a few days to pull together child care or to make sure the other parent is available-not to mention figuring out what we’ll wear. And when our babies are little, we might not be so keen on leaving them to go out-even if it is just a few hours. One mother of many-I’ll call her Kristy-shared with me a story about a non-mom friend who kept dropping by unannounced, staying all day and all evening, and not taking many hints that the mom was having a hard time attending to her family while also trying to play perpetual hostess. The friendship ended when Kristy asked her friend to please not stop by unannounced anymore. The friend was so offended she stopped calling altogether. “I wish that she had understood what a difficult relationship mothers have with “time,” and that many of us cannot skillfully throw something unexpected (like a friend’s unannounced visit) into the mix,” said Kristy. “I wish that she had understood that even though it sounds harsh to “schedule” my friendship with her, it was the best I could do at the time.”
- This won’t last forever. The early years of motherhood can be totally overwhelming, and maybe we’ve neglected you. Right now, unfair as it might be, we might be having a really hard time poking our heads out of our home-kids-family cocoon. But kids don’t stay little forever-or even very long-and before you know it, we’ll have more and more free time and brain space to share with you. We really hope you’ll ride this out with us that long. Because…
- We need you. We love how you remind us of our more carefree selves, the way you can keep us connected to the outside world or fashion, food and/or cool music when the Wonder Pets and boxed mac and cheese threaten to eclipse our previous identities. Plus, we just like you, and want you to stay in our lives. We just need a little understanding, because our worlds have been turned upside-down and it might take us a little while for us to figure out how to juggle it all again.
What child-free women want their mom friends to know:
- There are certain mysteries of motherhood that just don’t make polite-or particularly interesting-dinner conversation. Those would include: vomit, poop, any body parts that leak, and possibly fingernail clippings, depending on the circumstances of the narrative.But don’t feel like you have to remain mum on the subject of being a mom. Just choose the funny stories, the sweet stories, or anything that includes your child accidentally cussing because they pronounce “TR” like “F”-those stories are beloved by parents and non-parents alike. Then, change the subject. There are other things to talk about as well, like your friend’s promotion at work, love life, or upcoming appearance on Jeopardy.
- Non-kid-related accomplishments are important, too, and deserve to be celebrated. One non-mom shared with me that she’s thrown lots of baby showers for her friends, but only one (male) friend attended her graduation from journalism school. Ouch. Even when we moms are totally caught up in our kids and the whirlwind of early motherhood, that’s no excuse for ignoring our friends’ notable accomplishments and milestones.
- Moms don’t have a monopoly on troubled and tired. Child-free people’s lives aren’t all sipping fancy drinks by a pool and then skinny-dipping in said pool with interesting strangers. They have job woes, family troubles, money worries, relationship issues…you know, all the same stuff we moms complain about, just without the kids. Please don’t act as though your life is more important or valuable, or inherently harder, than a non-mom’s just because you have kids and she doesn’t.
- Just Try. Most of the child-free people I spoke to acknowledged that their lives are usually more flexible than their mom friends’ are, and they don’t mind shouldering more than their fair share of the scheduling burden for a while. But…it helps if you recognize the effort they’re making, don’t take them for granted, and try to meet them somewhere along the path…even if it’s not always quite half-way. (Check out this hilarious Babble.com article by Ceridwen Morris for a list of tongue-in-cheek ways not to lose all your friends after you have a baby.)
What do you wish your child-free or child-full friends knew about you, your life, or your feelings about your friendship? Please share!
Tomorrow I’ll be putting up my last post on the “friendship” theme-how to keep all your relationships strong, with moms and non-moms alike. Be sure to check back! Want to read more about nurturing friendships as a mom? Check out my posts on how to be a good friend to a mom and getting past mom cliques.
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What a great post! Thanks for the link! As a mom, i find that even mom to mom connections can be difficult, depending on the ages of the kids and preferred level of multi-tasking, busy-ness, etc. And you are so right. My kids are 8 and 5 now and I do feel like i can have a social life again and see friends in a normal way. When they were babies it felt like I would never be social again!
Excellent post! Required reading for Moms and non-Moms alike.
I love this post. Since I had my kids later in life (early 30s), many of my friends were having kids before me. Now with 2 toddlers i’m on the other side of the fence, so I know what it’s like.
I have my “mom friends” and then my “non-mom” friends & find that I tend to do more activities with our kids with the first set and some much-needed Me Time with the other set.
Clea
Nice article. I like the part about your non-mom friend making a Jeopardy appearance! Funny! I do feel completely out of touch with current events. When I worked full time, I had a 30 min commute and listened to NPR everyday. I was so in the know about current events. Those days are long gone. As for my dearest non-mom friend, she is just as busy as me (with three young kids) and is so supportive of me and my situation. I am blessed to have her. And she does come over with lunch during naps so I don’t have to make special ‘going out’ plans. Everyone needs a friend like that.
I think this post is fantastic. As the only standing non-mom, single lady left of all my friends, it gets hard to stay close to everyone. I LOVE my friends kids and I love hearing about them (i don’t even mind the bodily fluids talk) and seeing them, but I still want to go do non-kid things with my friends, too! I think one thing that I’d love my mom friends to consider is that us single girls are juggling a lot of mom friends- in my case, I have mom friends in 4 suburbs of my city, each 45min-1hr away. It’s hard to make sure I see everyone equally, and sometimes, I just want a weekend where I stay home and don’t deal with kids. Have patience with that.
Again- great post! Much appreciated!!!
This is a FANTASTIC post, thank you!!! Childfree at 34 & loving it!! Couldn’t agree more on the bodily fluid talk avoidance…so thankful I am not the only one grossed out by that stuff. I think what bothers me the most is the fact that my sister, who has 2 kids talks to some of my mom friends more so than I do. And she really think she has to share that w/me. I miss my mom friends terribly & I do reach out to them from time to time but that’s really hard to hear that they reach out to my sister who has kids.
As a childfree person let me just say that this article is brilliant.
To my knowledge childfree people do not mind their friends talking about their children, however, I always suggest using the ‘man filter’ when talking about your children. Would you tell a man what you are about to tell me? It’s funny how few people ever tell men (not even those that have children of their own) about the ins and outs of a child’s day yet childfree women are expected to be interested in it. Of course our lack of interest in the minutiae is not a sign that we dislike your child. You’ll probably find that we are interested in your child as a human being in his/her own right with his/her own personality, we’re just not specifically interested in their being a child!
Your childfree friends still want to know about YOU and, regardless of how you may be feeling, neither your child nor your role as a mother define you as a person. Of course part of you remembering who you are will involve having time away from your child. To not do this can lead to quite an unhealthy codependent relationship with your child once they reach adulthood. Don’t feel guilty about taking ‘me time’ occasionally and let us have a good laugh and catch-up with you.
There are certain things you shouldn’t expect us to take part in (although feel free to ask). These might be things like meals out with a young child, trips to the playpark (where there are lots of children) etc. Again, don’t take offence if we don’t want to do these things, no matter how well behaved you consider your child to be, these situations can be very stressful for the non-parents in the scenario.
And something that applies if your friends are also your siblings… don’t forget when choosing to have a child that you don’t cease to be someone else’s child/sister/brother. Don’t neglect your already existing family responsibilities or expect others to bear the brunt of them because of your choice.
A good tip for keeping up with current affairs is just to have the radio on while going about your morning routine or in the car. This will mean your child hearing varied music (if it’s that kind of station) and you will be surprised how much you pick up on! If something pricks your interest then “what’s happening with…, I heard…. on the radio?” is a good non-child conversation starter with a friend.
But, most of all, just do not take offence in anything. We may not be interested in the fact that your child IS a child, but we can still be interested in your child as a totally unique individual. We may not want children at celebrations that we arrange for events in our own lives, but we want you to relax and enjoy the event rather than feeling that you need to keep your child under control (and again, no matter how well behaved your child generally is, children plus excitement will always lead to some high spirits, we totally understand that).
Random, I’m glad you said this: “You’ll probably find that we are interested in your child as a human being in his/her own right with his/her own personality, we’re just not specifically interested in their being a child!”
I wanted to say something in the article like “Understand that your child-free friends might not like children” but I couldn’t get it to come out right. You said what I was feeling but couldn’t figure out how to express. Obviously it’s not about disliking children, it’s more about not being that interested in the state of childhood. And honestly, I think a lot of moms can relate. I don’t like all children, but feel guilty about that sometimes, like I’m expected to because I’m a mom. And I get bored with talk about the minutia of motherhood sometimes, too. Good tip on the radio-I listen to NPR to stay abreast of the big issues, though I’m still woefully behind on new music
Thanks for your input!
I feel for women who don’t have kids when a bunch of us, many of whom are moms, end up always talking about the children, the schools and whats going on in the kids’ lives. We don’t realise how much we go on and on about our kids.
My sister had a child and it’s all she talks about…and she can’t even really ever talk on the phone or I constantly hear “don’t grab the phone, don’t eat the phone”…I have never had the urge for children, and while I am happy for her, she’s lost her “self” in the process of being a “mom.” It’s a shame.
Wow Meagan! Every child free woman should read this article! It truly is very different on the other side of the fence. From a male perspective, this is comparable to that of married men and their bachelor friends. The friendship remains, but for the bond to continue, one must know where the other is coming from. The essence of true friendship is maintaining the commitment, but not the demand. Child free women can still enjoy the companionship of their mom friends, all it takes is compromise and understanding. In fact, one could learn from the other because of their different perspectives. Not all women are like Angie, who commented that she’s child-free at 34 and loving it. Many women embrace their role as a mother yet still enjoy the company of their single friends.
This almost happened to me and I was glad I was able to constantly keep in touch with my child-free friends. Your advice on “what child free friends wants with their mom friends have let realize a lot of things Meagan. Even before, I constantly remind my friends how much I need them and appreciate their company. Thanks for sharing this with us Meagan.
I wish all of my friends with kids could read this article. It is hard to sit with all new mothers and listen to them go on and on about babies. They never even bother to ask if there is anything going on in my life. It is hard to say whether the friendships will last if this continues, but it is a very difficult subject to bring up.