Thanks, again, to everyone for the kind words and condolences that keep pouring in. I am really just so appreciative, and plan to respond to everyone individually at some point soon.
In my post about grieving a few people implored that I be gentle with myself, and I took that message to heart. I wanted to share a few ways I am being nice to myself this week:
1) Comfort reading. You know, those books that make you feel really good…whether they’re titles from your childhood or just favorite reads from your adult years? For me, this week it’s been Trixie Belden mysteries and…get this…Uncle Arthur’s Bedtime Stories. I’ve been reading Trixie since I was about 11 and my older sister passed her stack down to me; between Kathreen and me, the books have been read so often that they’re now falling apart (in fact, the Gatehouse Mystery is now missing the final ten pages…rats!) I love how wholesome and kind Trixie, Honey, Brian, Jim, Mart and the rest of the gang are; they’re the kind of kids I always wanted to end up like when I was little, and the kind I secretly hope to raise myself.
I was first introduced to Uncle Arthur while visiting a local Seventh-Day Adventist college at about nine years old. A few years later, my dad married a Seventh-Day Adventist, Brenda, who, to my delight, brought into the marriage five or six bound copies of Uncle Arthur’s tales. Even though I was about 12 by this time, I loved the simplicity of these vintage morality tales and read the books many times over. Last weekend my stepmom (Brenda) told me I could take the books. It is probably a little ridiculous how excited I was about this, but since I have read two of the books cover to cover and can’t wait to devour another. Yes, they are corny; yes, they are simplistic, yes, they are dated. But they are also fun and hopeful and comforting to me, in the way your favorite childhood reads can be. I hope my kids will love them just as much as I have.
2) Back to the old grind. As Kim wisely pointed out in my comments, as necessary as it was to let everything fall apart for a while, getting back on a schedule can be good for the soul too. So tonight my sinks are shiny, the dishes are done, the baby’s asleep at a reasonable hour, everybody is bathed and getting into bed as I type (my husband’s in charge of bedtime…I’m no martyr!) and the dining room table is shiny and cleared-off. I’m not expecting too much of myself..but I know what I need to feel at least reasonably in-control and functional, even if I can’t reach for much more than “reasonable” right now.
3) Allowing myself to say “no”. One of the strangest things for me right now is how hard it is for me to make up my mind about anything. Today my sister and I were planning to go visit my aunt and grandma, three hours away. I wanted to go, but right up until morning, I couldn’t decide whether I really wanted to or not. I mean, I went back and forth, back and forth for an hour trying to decide what I really, REALLY wanted to do. Finally I decided to back out. As much as I want to see my extended family, I just had to have a weekend of relaxation, of not having to be anywhere, after our very busy and full two weeks. I also decided for certain not to go to a weekend getaway with a great group of women at the end of July. Again, I WANT to go, but it conflicted with some family stuff that seems more important than ever now, and I couldn’t get over the un-easy feeling that it just wasn’t the right time. I finally decided to just let it go, and stop feeling anxious about it. And strangely, since I made that decision (just a few hours ago) I really have stopped stressing. Why do we feel so guilty, sometimes, about backing out of things even when we have a very good reason? After all, I didn’t smack anyone in the face or call them ugly; I simply said “I changed my mind.” I think in the future I’ll try to remember that I always have the right to do that. And I’ll also try to be understanding of other people who do the same.
So there you go. Three small ways I’ve been kind to myself over the past few days. Whether you’re going through hard times or not, I’d love to hear how you’ve been nice to yourself this week, too.
This is great. I have found the more I’ve said no (SO hard for me), the easier it gets to say no, and the less I feel guilty for it. And yes- the stress fades, too, which is even more awesome.
I’ve been feeling more myself as Ivy’s gotten older and am able to keep up with the housework (for possibly the first time ever since having kids) and am actually exercising/running. It’s been such a happy thing for me, and truly FOR me.
I never watch TV, so I’ve been comfort TV watching instead of being online or what not and it’s such a mindless treat for me. I’ll get back to reading again, soon, but right now TV is best for my current state of available concentration. Oh, and just in time for the return of Mad Men!!! Woo!
Steph
I am so glad you’ve had a chance to take some time for yourself as you grieve. I have to chuckle at your reading choices, since I own the entire set of Trixie Belden as well as the 5-volume Uncle Arthur Bedtime Stories set. (I have Uncle Arthur’s Children’s Bible too!)
Trixie was my favorite growing up, far surpassing the Hardy Boys or Nancy Drew. My best friend had two dollhouses; we christened one Honey’s house and the other Trixie’s. We spent hours re-enacting the books with her dolls.
I still think about the books a lot (although they’re in a box until my daughter’s old enough to read them). It’s like they’re part of my subconscious – I can’t see an apple seed without remembering how Brian was poisoned by the cynanide in them. For years I enjoyed surprising people with Shakespeare quotes (long before I read the plays) that were all from the volume where they visit England.
The Uncle Arthur books were also mine as a child, and now I read them to my kids. We try to read a story every day during the school year (since I homeschool we make it part of our work time). They find the old-fashioned stories and quaint pictures quite amusing but they’ve definitely learned a thing or two from them as well.
Anyway, suffice it to say that you have fabulous taste in juvenile literature
Jeepers! I would say that Trixie Belden is a perfect way to go!
My dad passed on July 2nd although it was expected after a long battle with leukemia and somewhat of a comfort that he is no longer suffering, I’m still on the grieving path with you. I’m comfort reading, plan on re-reading my all-time favorite A Tree Grows in Brooklyn and trying to get back in the groove. I’ve loved your blog since I found it a few months ago and now it speaks to me more than ever.
Just wanted to offer my condolences. I’m so very sorry for your loss, and I’m glad you’re taking care of yourself in big and small ways. Hopefully blogging will offer you a bit of emotional release once in awhile, and also NOT blogging, and NOT worrying about not blogging, will occasionally do the same.
Betsy-Tacy books – the ultimate in comfort reading. Try them!
I keep thinking about you. I read Trixie Belden when I was a little girl, but Nancy Drew was my true love. I read every last one of the original mysteries (there are like 60 of them, I think) and read my favorites several times.
On Sunday I asked my mom to take my kids. I never do this. I never ever ask. But on Sunday I needed it and I asked and she took them and Luke and I went out to dinner. I honestly can’t remember the last time we had a table for two. It was dreamy.
so sorry to hear about your dad! what a hard thing to go through… i hope you continue to find peace and comfort as you deal with the grief.
(i love trixie belden too. i keep waiting for zoe to get into them. my parents have a bunch of them and i like to revisit them when i’m home.)
Looking for (probably) an Uncle Arthur story about a girl who wanted to bathe or wash in a pool or pond that would make her beautiful, but the angel who guarded the pool wouldn’t let her until she spent a year trying to be good/changing her bad attitude. This went on for three years until the angel said the girl was worthy but then didn’t need the pool as her true and inner beauty had made her beautiful on the outside as well. If anyone remembers this story or the name of it I would absolutely love to get a copy of it somehow – thanks!