In my post a couple of weeks ago about obstacles to happiness as a mom, I listed “being overwhelmed” as one of my top 5. While commenters chimed in with a whole list of other obstacles-things like lack of time for oneself, loss of control, and unrealistic expectations-I reflected about how all of those things can, for me, lead to feeling overwhelmed. So maybe being overwhelmed isn’t so much a single obstacle as it is the end result of many of the things that are part and parcel of a mom’s life: noise, mess, chaos, ever-changing routines, an incredible sense of responsibility, never enough time in the day…etc.
Since being overwhelmed has no one cause, it also has no one solution. Plus, the things that make me feel like I’m drowning in a deluge of overwhelm-ment may not be the same things that smother other mothers (woo, say that fast five times…). But I do think there are some things so universal to a mom’s experience of life that it can only help to deal with them proactively. I’m going to share a few of the things that I need to have to keep me from feeling overwhelmed:
I need order. One of my first posts on The Happiest Mom urged readers to make their beds or, if making the bed isn’t particularly important to them, to find the “triggers” in their home that make them feel disorderly and chaotic and make sure to address them…daily, or more often if necessary. From my post:
“We all have that one thing (or half a dozen things) that drives us crazy. Whether yours is crumbs on the counter or rooms where half the lightbulbs are burned out, taking care of your biggest crazy-makers (BEFORE they get to the point of making you crazy) sets the whole mood for the day.
For me, that one thing happens to be making my bed.
I’m far from being a neat freak, but I began to realize that I require a certain level of cleanliness in order to function. I spend most of my day in my home, and if it feels too messy or cluttered I just want to retreat and watch bad TV instead of being productive.
Similarly, I am ruthless with clutter in my life. I just don’t have the space for it and it makes me feel unhappy and uneasy to see piles of stuff everywhere, so I straighten up those surfaces where things accumulate (for us it’s the dining-room table and buffet) often to keep on top of things. With five kids, some clutter is inevitable, but if I let it take over, I start feeling really overwhelmed.
I need a budget. I’ve written before about moms and financial security, in a broad, caring-for-yourself-in-an-emergency or retirement-savings-and-investments sense. But our day to day financial security is just as important, and nothing is as overwhelming as feeling broke all the time. Creating and sticking to a budget is one thing that makes a big difference in how I perceive our financial stability, and when I don’t stick to one, I start to feel uneasy almost immediately. Sometimes it can be fun to feel like I’m splurging without having to ask my spreadsheet’s permission, but if I don’t get it back on track quickly, it can quickly spiral into that out-of-control feeling that is, well, overwhelming.
I need help. Even something as simple as figuring out what to do with my 4-year old and 10-month-old while picking my 6-year-old up from the bus stop can start to feel overwhelming when it’s the middle of a gray, cold January. I think sometimes it’s those little, daily things that can add up and lead to a big feeling of overwhelmed-ness unless we ask for help once in a while. What a vacation it feels like on those days when a friend comes over at noon so I can run out to the bus stop (or the grocery store…or just for a cup of tea) without bundling up the two little ones!
Writing this post, many other needs are popping into my head. I need friends (and I need to see them regularly). I need time alone. I need routine. I need goals. But right now, I need to finish this post so I can, um, bundle up the kids and go pick up my 6-year-old at the bus stop…so the rest of my needs will have to wait for later.
What are your biggest triggers for feeling overwhelmed, and how do you avoid it?
I feel overwhelmed when I don’t exercise-even if that means walking the eight block round-trip to the grocery store. That’s when I start to overanalyze and little things (like the dishes in the sink) start feeling like big things and I start to let big things (like work deadlines) slide. It kicks off a major downward spiral. I love being a work at home mom, but it means my life is pretty sedentary if I don’t stay proactive.
Like you, I also have an allergy to clutter and make my bed at least 5 days of the week to help stave off feelings of “we live in a pig sty!” panic.
Great post, Meagan.
I’m a single mom with a full-time job, a part-time writing career, a couple of volunteer gigs and a bunch of hobbies (and friends and a boyfriend), so feeling overwhelmed is something I struggle with a lot. And I’ve found a lot of the same things: like you, I need to keep the clutter to a minimum. When the closets are messy and the Stuff is threatening to take over, I get very cranky. It’s amazing how a couple of garbage bags worth of stuff off to Goodwill immediately makes every part of my life seem better.
You’d think the obvious thing would be to cut down on the commitments, but I’ve found that those ‘extra’ commitments-the volunteer gigs and the writing etc.-are the ones that make me feel like my life is going somewhere, and chopping them out is the quickest way to make me feel overwhelmed. So instead, having a routine, making progress on a to-do list (starting with the easiest ones), having at least a few hours a week to sit and stare out the window with a book on my lap, reading poetry, and sacrificing clean floors for a crafty break are all key. And exercise, like Kate. I run five or six days a week and rather than feeling like I’ve lost the time to something productive or fun, it always puts me in a better mood, gives me more energy, makes me feel like I’ve accomplished something and I sleep better and get sick less often. I’m convinced that running gives me back way more time than it takes.
Totally agree with Andrea about the extra-curriculars keeping me sane, even though they could be perceived by some as adding to the sense of overwhelm. I’m teaching myself to sew, and even if I do one tiny little piece of a craft project every one or two weeks, just knowing I’ve got that going is comforting to me. And someday I will actually be able to hang these fabric bird silhouettes on the wall and know every time I look at them that I made them with my own two hands, which I know will be comforting and energizing on those days when I feel like the proverbial headless chicken. (OK, so I’ve been working on them since October — who cares?)
For me it’s a sink full of dirty dishes. If I wake up to dirty dishes in the sink it just ruins my whole day, so even if it means staying up an extra 20 minutes, I make sure teh sink is empty before I go to bed.
Like you, one of my biggest stressors is clutter and a disorderly home. I cannot handle stuff being strewn all over. As you well know this is a challenge with young children. It drives me wild! Not to mention my husband who has no problem with it. I cannot find peace in my day if my house is in chaos. I expend a great deal of energy tidying and cleaning, time in my heart that I know I should be spending with my children. But my dirty secret (pun intended) is that I cannot make myself stop. I tidy and clean and it makes me happy. I incorporate the babe and bring him from room to room and chat with him while I tidy, put laundry away. I do this so that at night, when the kids are in bed, I can have some sense of relaxation. If I don’t, I just start to cry at the end of my day. It’s a real crutch, and as you say it overwhelms me. I’ve gotten much better since I had kids because I’ve had to force myself to just let some stuff go, and I do now. There are now days when my bed goes unmade
I love your blog. I love this post! You don’t even know me and yet your words have made so many things make sense – especially today. I have been feeling so overwhelmed, so miserable and couldn’t work out why. Reading this post I realised that it is all the little stuff that I kept telling myself didn’t matter. I had let all the housework slide because I thought what I needed was more time for myself (I can’t ignore the children or my full-time job so I tried to ignore the housework). That plan failed miserably – now I know why. I need it to be under control; I need the beds made, the ironing done, the dishes washed and put away and I definitely need less clutter. It’s time to get strict and make everyone pull their weight to help prevent the mummy melt downs! Thank you so much for helping me work this out.
Kirsty-I’m so glad this post spoke to you. Would love to hear how things are going now!
The trigger this weekend was feeling abandoned by friends. Today it was compounded by finding out I booked our tickets on the wrong day… a month before the day we were supposed to go, and found out it will cost $700 to fix. My 10 year old slamming my 8 year olds fingers in the bathroom door shortly after that didn’t help either. Now I’m officially overwhelmed for the day, maybe week.
Hope things got better, Pink Sun Drops!
Eight months pregnant, with my three-year old and I was feeling good. Then I coughed so hard I pulled a stomach muscle. Now I can’t stand up for more than 10-15 minutes at a time and lifting the toddler is akin to physical torture.
It is overwhelming to parent and care for the house (not to mention get ready for the new baby!) in 10 minute increments. On the upside, I have had more reading and drawing time since I’m sitting down a lot!
Taylor-I think that chronic pain is one of those things you can’t understand until you’ve experienced it. I had a pregnancy-related condition that caused constant, low-level pain for about two weeks, and getting through the day was torturous. I hope you are feeling better soon.
The scenario in my life the last few years has been particularly overwhelming in nature — so much so that I finally go my butt into see a therapist on a weekly basis for over a year. I consider that a luxury, thanks to some precious family who have supported me by watching my high-needs kids while I go.
Of all the little things like making the bed, my therapist had a mantra that I reflect on daily – not by trying, but just because it’s always relevant.
“Healthy people change their expectations to match reality. Unhealthy people don’t.”
I think that just a few of us expect the world from ourselves and then beat ourselves up when in reality we fall short. Of course we fall short.
My mental version of making the bed is simply remembering to keep my expectations realistic. Those days are good, happy days. When I push against reality and try to “make things happen” I have cranky, grumpy days.
Like today. I know better than to try to go to Costco with my two boys. But about every 4 weeks, the vision of mommy hell fades and I think that this time it will be better and it would be SO nice to have it done… It was so bad a woman I didn’t know asked if I’d like some help getting to my car!
Love your topics. Thanks for your unique and needed contribution to internetland.
Naomi-“Healthy people change their expectations to match reality. Unhealthy people don’t.” Wow, doesn’t that just perfectly sum up the difference between a healthy and unhealthy approach to life?
And rest assured-you will be able to go to Costco with your boys again one day. The trick is being realistic about when the time has come. Or, you can just do it like dads do. I’ve seen multiple dads at grocery stores with screaming kids, and they just seem totally oblivious, like they couldn’t care less. How do they DO that?
I need time with my husband! It’s easy for that to get lost in the shuffle of kids and work and everything that we’ve got going on. But when I don’t have it, I am the worse for it. He’s my touchstone, and my sounding board and my rock, and we are at a place in our lives where we need to work at connecting. But if we do, I feel calmer and better able to tackle life. Just knowing that someone is in my corner is so huge for me.
I, too, need the bed made. In fact, my two daily goals for the first year of my son’s life were to make my bed and take a shower. Now, I don’t always do either of those, but when I’m feeling overwhelmed, it usually comes from piles of clutter, usually in the living room or on the kitchen counters. A quick pick up does wonders for my mood. But, I was feeling overwhelmed often and felt myself sliding into the kind of depression I hadn’t seen for over a decade, so I decided to change the focus of my mama blog to mama self care. Now I post at least one thing I’ve done to take care of myself each day. The switch in focus is carrying over to the rest of my life. As I move through my days, I ask myself if I’m taking care of my needs in the midst of attending to my son and my husband’s needs. Even if it’s just five minutes that I dedicate every day to taking care of myself, I am finding that the overwhelm is receding, as is the depression. Maybe it’s just the message that I’m important and deserve some caretaking too, even if I’m the one doing it.
Sonya, I love the new focus of your blog. What a great idea.
Wow! I don’t know you, Meagan but you seem to have just read my mind. Scary stuff!
I am often overwhelmed as a mom of 2 and a health care worker. The budget right now is my biggest pitfall. My husband is in school and I am the main contributer but he works part-time, too. I am simplifying right now and using pear budget to get me back on track. I recently went through Dave Ramsey’s Financial Peace University and found it very practical and comforting. I feel much more “financially secure” knowing where we are fiscally. I know it’s good to splurge now and then, but…does a cup of coffee count?
I must also admit that I do not take time just for me. I am a mom first, a wife second and then on to others in my life. Like so many moms, I put myself way at the bottom of the take-care-of list. I think I need to re-boot more often than I am willing to do. Even when I find myself alone in the house (doesn’t happen often) I look around and think about all the stuff that needs doing. I don’t find much success in letting things go in order to spend a few minutes doing the things I used to love to do. I will work on this in the next week. And, I’ll try to leave the clutter or dishes or laundry alone for just a bit – just so I can re-charge.
As a side note, I once too had a complusion to make my bed. But, I read an article that bed bugs are unable to survive without heat and if you don’t make your bed, they are less likely to live. (I know, yucky, but a great reason to leave the bed a mess!!)
Love the blog, too! Thank you so much for your honest thoughts.
Diann…why did you have to tell me about the bed bugs?!?! LA LA LA….hahahaha
I’ve heard great things about Ramsay’s program, though I must say it’s easier for somebody like him (i.e. a millionaire!) to live without a credit score than it would be somebody like me! I think his advice about budgeting is right on the money, though.
Exercise is definitely what keeps me sane and keeps me from getting overwhelmed.
Also, perspective. When both girls are hanging on me, and it’s super-noisy I step back and realize that I will miss these days in the not-so-distant future. One day these girls will be avoiding me like the plague. I try and enjoy it while I can, I guess.
Finally, I vent. A lot.
I get overwhemed by “cabin fever”! I only have one baby so far (not as much to get overwhelmed by as those of you with more kids) but he is only 6 months old and it has been sooo cold this winter, we don’t get out much. My husband is great about watching the baby while I go to the grocery store or even just to get the mail, so that helps a lot.
David’s Mommy, cabin fever is a HUGE obstacle to happiness for moms, especially at this time of year. Definitely keep getting out! And remember, even though sometimes it seems like getting the baby and yourself all bundled up, dealing with the cold car, etc isn’t worth it for an outing, you’ll often come back feeling so much better.
Kate, Andrea, and Karen-I can’t believe I forgot to include exercise! That is definitely a huge factor for so many women, including myself.
Oh, Meagan, and ladies, thank you all-I’m so happy for finding this post. I feel way overwhelmed and need to get much more order in my life, starting with my house. But the most important thing for me tonight was just to read that I’m not alone. Lately the logistical frustration of living in a cluttered and somewhat chaotic home has been compounded by significant feelings of helplessness and inadequacy. I feel like there’s something wrong with me because I always live in a mess and can never find anything.
My kids are amazing and get lots of love, healthy meals, and quality time with me and my husband. I also work really hard at my job. I know these are priorities and I should look at all the good I do. But sometimes I look around at the chaos and think: “How long am I going to use those things as an excuse to finding the time and energy to fix the situation that’s getting me so down?” I need a plan, but I come up with many plans, and they all fall apart because I feel so overwhelmed by the hugeness of the “project.”
There are many good ideas on here, and lots of encouragement. Thank you so much for sharing!
I feel exactly the same way Colleen!
Thank you for this blog. I am a little late to the game with my comment, but I wanted to say thank you for verbalizing what we as moms feel daily. For me, just being at home is overwhelming. I’m a social butterfly who has has been netted by this domestic life. My dirty secret is that I hate all things domestic and I would rather be back at work. But the recession hit and I got laid off even before I was pregnant. Still no work and now I don’t even know how I would do that while my fiance is getting his degree in Mechanical Engineering and is gone 15 hour days all while trying to plan our wedding and taking care of a one year old and the bitchiest dog that ever lived. Blah! I need to get out of the house more before I go to crazy town. I will re-read your advice and stop blathering.
You have shed a ray of snuhisne into the forum. Thanks!
I am feeling totally overwhelmed right now. I have four little ones ages, 6,7,3 and 2. I do everything. I get the girls ready for school take them and have to take my boys with me to drop the girls off to school.
I don’t think my husband understand that just dealing w four little ones is alot. And then having to do all the house chores plus more at times.
We live in a farm and are raising tilapias and have a little garden.
We also have chickens. 3 times out of the week I have to feed the animals and tend to them as well
It’s just alot. I am so exhausted all the time. I don’t know what to do to stop feeling like this.
I have friends but they all work. I don’t have family and my mother in law lives far and doesn’t come here often.
I am feeling very overwhelmed right now. I have tons of loose ends and things i need to do, (IE: we don’t have a will and my youngest is 3, plan 2 birthday parties, volunteer work, etc) but when my two boys go to bed i don’t have the energy to do them. It makes me resentful that my husband is on the couch every night watching TV or movies by 7:30 or 8:00 and i still have Laundry, lunches to make, all the school papers to look through. I work 4-5 days a week. When i ask for help, he tells me it’s my choice to do those things with my free time. “I don’t have to do laundry at 8:00 at night?” OK? I just feel like I’ll never have time to do the things that make me who i am or the things that i enjoy because i can’t seem to climb out from under the cave of stuff i have to do to keep things moving for our family!
For me, right now, it’s the feeling that I’m not keeping up with my children’s needs.
I’m a single mum with a full-time career. I have very little external help but mostly we do ok. It’s just that while keeping the house manageable, and us fed and kids off to sport I struggle with time to recognise that they’re growing up and require a different style of parenting and I’m lost to know how to provide it. In all this mania of just keeping the wheels turning I’m missing something vital. I know I need exercise, more time to focus on them (and their homework), a better routine etc but there just are not enough hours in the day for me to do it. Things slide (like homework, reading, bike rides, walks) and just become a series of committments that need meeting every day, every week.
I read the other posts and see how difficult we all have it at times and somehow this helps. Back to that timetable…back to the budget…how do I squeeze some fun and connection back into our lives?
I am so thankful for this post! i was feeling so overwhelmed and didn’t know why till I read this, thank you. THought I might be going crazy, my house is such a mess I cant stand it
Hello!! I am a first time mom my daughter just turned 5 months old and I am so tired all the time I want my house to be clean and things done but when I get a break I just need to sleep!!! My husband is gone for 9 weeks so it has been really hard on me. I have some help but I would love a routine and plan for the days.. My days just go by what’s happening at the moment since I really don’t have deadlines I keep putting stuff off.. I am not working so its just me two dogs and a 5 month old help!!!!!!
Thanks for the honesty moms! Is it safe to say that a mother’s/wife’s job is never done? So do we learn to work around being overwhelmed while still having a long list of things to do? I’m feeling like the responsibilities should be shared a bit more to create balance. My husband always seems so relaxed and I’m always running through a list of the things to do in my mind.
Dee..Me too. Always thinking about what’s next. We took a two day camping vacation recently and that was wonderful. forced me to stop and enjoy the moment. The baby was with us, but it was still somehow relaxing
I have a 4 mth old breastfeeding baby. He stays with other people but needs to see me or he’ll cry. Im a stay at home mom and is feeling really overwhelemed. The dirty dishes is what gets to me. My baby is at the stage where he wants to play at night and I’m not getting much sleep. Gosh I just want some time for myself and a good night’s rest. I think it may be too much to ask at this point..sigh..
I have five kids
I have two small kids: 3 and 1. When their dad is home, they still spend the majority of time with me. Sometimes cleaning and cooking seem like more than I can handle let alone taking care of 2 kids. My husband tries to help sometimes but I feel like he has no idea what it’s like to be responsible for our kids 24/7. He thinks that staying at home is easy and would like to switch with me which makes me feel like no matter what I do it’s easy compared to his job. So, that doesn’t help.