As I’ve been contemplating the whole “can women have it all” issue over the last few days, the idea of “help” has been heavy on my mind: either support from family and friends – the kind many mothers no longer have regular access to – or hired help, the sort many mothers feel guilty and conflicted about using.
I think the right kind of support can make the difference between being a happy, relatively calm mom or being constantly frazzled and stressed. It can make the transition of a second (or third or fourth) child easier. It can make long gray afternoons tolerable or your work life easier.
But I get the feeling that a lot of women simply don’t have go-to friends, nearby family or really anyone they can ask for help. Am I right? I want to hear from you: do you have what you would call a ‘tribe”, or a support system? Who is in it? How have you created it?
If not, what is keeping you from getting the support you need? I know other readers will have great ideas and advice for you, so don’t be shy.
*image from my book The Happiest Mom: 10 Secrets To Enjoying Motherhood
Our (me, DH, and 3 kids)’ biggest supports are my inlaws. We are very fortunate that they are involved, active, and retired. And I get that their ability to retire comfortably is a mark of our privilege, not just theirs. DH works 9-5 in an office and when I’m not on mat leave, I teach 1/2 days. My inlaws take turns coming to our home to watch the youngest, and have done so since my oldest was 5 m.o. Is it perfect? No. But like I said in your MIL post, I keep in mind that it is a lucky thing that I am compatible with them in many ways, even though I chose their son, not them per se.
My tribe is two couples who both live within 20 min. We have 18-year friendships, we’ve all been roommates at times and gone through thick-and-thin together. They all now have children and have similar parenting approaches (AP-ish).
Were it not for these people, I would seriously consider moving out of Toronto, where a teeny semi-detached house now costs at LEAST $600K.
*Raises hand* Yep, that’s me. Not a lot of go-to friends in the area, no family nearby, and not a lot of people to ask for help when needed. A sad consequence of moving around a lot in the last 12 years. I get some support from friends who are far away, but available via Facebook or e-mail, and I have few friends in town that I make sure to keep up with, but I’m doing most of the work in those relationships, and if I didn’t, they would fall away, I think. It is exhausting, since I’m the one with the most kids. We had a better local support system a few years ago, but so many of those people have moved away in the last year, and we find ourselves a bit adrift right now. We have lots of people we are friendly with, but not a lot of close friends.
Sometimes my sitter is the only adult I talk to in person (excepting my husband) for weeks on end. I keep hoping to find something here, but it’s frustrating to have to be the one who always puts in all the effort to stay connected. I’m an introvert, so I can go longer periods without adult contact, but at some point, the isolation and basic toddler frustration begin to grind.
My support network is mostly from my church. Our moms are as supportive as they can be from 2 1/2 hours away but its my friends from church who pull me through. Many have even gone so far as to get their foster care clearances so they can watch ALL of my kids. Now THAT’S some love!
I’m still trying to think over my reply to the ordinary life post yesterday — too many thoughts to process!! This one I can answer easily:
Family: We are across the country from my family and in a whole different country than my husband’s family. In a pinch with enough notice my mom flies down to help for something major and she did come for about 2 weeks after the birth of each of our four kids. My MIL came and stayed with us the first three months I was back to work after our 3rd was born which was a huge life saver. That was the only time she was able to do that.
Coworkers — I work mainly with men and so it’s harder to create those kinds of bonds. The few women I work with all live 45 minutes away. We are a support system to vent to on a day to day basis, but we don’t spend a lot of time with the kids together outside of work.
Friends — we’ve had a really hard time making friends since moving here. The good ones all moved away (we live in a city where there are a lot of young high tech professionals coming and going). Now that both of my older two are at school, we are just starting to forge some new friendships which has been great (like others though, this is all on my effort and if I didn’t call/email them they’d fall off the map – so frustrating). They go to a private school about 20 min from our house, and that distance makes it hard as well since their classmates are not in our neighborhood.
Neighbors: we live in a very spread out neighborhood on the outskirts of the city. The houses are on 1 acre lots and there is no sidewalk. While we love the isolations for many reasons, it has its downsides that there is no “gathering around the cul-de-sac”. It is also mostly older people, not young families like us. Our immediate neighbors are an older married couple who never had kids, but the wife loves kids. She comes over to visit a lot and watches our dog when we are out of town. She has covered as a sitter in a pinch as well.
Paid help: When I got pregnant with #3 we decided we needed real help. I work full time outside the home, my husband stays home but also runs his own business. He needed some time to call and meet with clients and I needed help keeping up the housework. Since then we have had three different older ladies (“grandma types”) who come 2 to 3 days a week for about 4-5 hours. Our current one spends most of her time caring for the kids, but does help out with some of the cleaning (bathrooms, kitchen, vacuuming, etc).
If there is *one* thing I have done right is a parent, it is “demanding” support.
Initially I would say it was very hard being 2 hours from our family, but they absolutely SAVED us when my dh had unexpected brain surgery a couple of years back. The kids thought it was a party jumping from Grandmas’ to aunts’ homes and playing with cousins while their daddy underwent serious surgery and recovery. I felt extremely blessed.
Support has come in the form of hired help, preschool/daycares, an awesome at-home spouse, other parental/neighbor support, family, etc. Depending on the time in our lives.
I probably feel strongly about having the community and help because my folks picked up and moved several states away immediately after I was born. My mom just never had any support. To the point where I didn’t even see the point to have kids. I just imagined “Why do that to myself?” Not realizing that I would create a totally different environment for my kids, very much in reaction to the way I was raised.
As an aside, I did get random criticism for putting my kids in preschool or letting them spend a few days with Grandma here and there. When their primary caregiver/father was knocked off his feet with a serious medical condition, I knew in my heart I had done the best for my kids. They thankfully had many other adults in their lives that they feel VERY comfortable with. Family or friend or neighbor or hired nanny – sometimes you will need help rather you want it or not.
I honestly don’t know how moms do it without a strong support system. We have my parents a half-hour away who are heavily involved with our boys. My in-laws are 1.5 hours away, and are also great support. In town I have a close friend for moral support and playdates, as well as a network of moms I coud call on if needed. My best friend is always available for a phone chat, and I get to see her every few months.
It took a while for me to get over the guilt of asking for help all the time. But after a period of health issues, I was dependent on the help of others for several months. I don’t know what I would’ve done without them.
i could have written this myself. I live in the DC area where people move in and out all the time, while we have lived here over a decade (long for this area). My inlaws are overseas and my parents are a few hours away and just aren’t involved. None of my siblings or inlawsiblings have kids, so I don’t think they understand how difficult and isolating it can be for a SAHM whose husband works LOOONGGG hours. I am introvert and feel like trying to make friends, any frends whether other moms or nonmoms is like a horrible dating process.
I have found some relief through my church where we attend and my older child goes to preschool. When someone offers to do something, I now say yes. I also try to give as much if not more than what i receive, offering to drive a carpool, offering to take someone else’s child while the mom goes to the doctor or gets her hair cut, bring a meal to another family while one of the parents is out of town, etc. I realized the community might start with me, so let’s get this party started.
When I had my first child, I lived in the city. I was the first in my circle of friends to have kids. I grabbed the local kiddy newspaper (I live in Germany, and most of the bigger cities have one – it basically is a monthly listing of activities for babies and kids). I started visiting nearby playgroups. Once my ds started playing with a particular kid, I’d get together with that mom and we’d make a coffee date at a baby-friendly cafe. If we clicked, then we’d start organizing playdates. That was a great way to build the tribe and make a new friend.
When we moved out of the city, we had to start all over again. I hung a flyer in the local kindergarten, and church office to find a babysitter, then I started talking to my neighbours about finding a babysitter and if they knew anyone.
Once the ds was a month into Kindergarten, I got the telephone list and talked to his teacher to find out who he was playing with, that I could invite for a playdate. So the tribe-building started again.
Then we started to alternate playdates. I get a lot of housework done regardless of whether the kids are playing at home or off to visit their friends.
I’ve now built a ‘tribe’ with other moms with whom I can alternate driving to football, cubscouts, or whatever.
I’ve gotten burnt by one mom who wanted to play headgames to make herself feel better to my detriment. So now, I’m over the idea that I’m going to find the next BFF.
The tribe is very important, as you said. I hope what I wrote will help someone…
I have no support. All of my family live in Canada, and my husband’s family lives a 10 hour drive away. I have one good friend, but she has a family of her own to nuture. The last time my husband & I were alone without our children was almost 7 months ago. My neighbors can barely manage a grunt in response to my saying hello in the morning. I grew up in a small town where I was literally raised by the village. I miss my village
I have made several attempts to make connections, but after so many failures, I’m a little gun-shy so-to-speak.
We moved out of state when my daughter was just four months old, and while we stay in touch with our families and a few friends, I have found it hard to get to meet other moms in our new area.
Part of it may have to do with the fact that I have difficulty wanting to spend time with moms just because they are moms, because I want to spend time with moms because we would have been friends without having kids.
It’s a weird spot I’ve put myself in, and I’m trying to get out of it…
(Another issue is that the little one and I don’t have a car until my husband comes home so it sure puts a dent in us “getting out”!)
Must say that as far as truly being able to count on someone, it’s just me and the hubby (who is an amazing man, father and he cleans!!).
My only family here in GA is my mom and sister, who live 20 miles away. Mom works full time (and then some) another 25 miles away and my sister is in college, so usually she drops in to say hi to the kids and then she is out.
Both hubby and I work (including crap commutes) the kids are in daycare, but after lengthy bouts of him being unemployed we are now in catch up mode…there is no extra money to get hired help (this is seriously my newest dream!).
In GA people from work are all spread out so far away and the traffic is awful, so no real chance to hang out, even with the people that I really like at work. I did have one work friend, but she just moved to CO. The rest of our family is 900 miles away and only my husband’s mom or step father have really come to visit us.
I don’t know any of our neighbors and we don’t have any friends here, because of the hours and commute, we really just try to spend whatever time we can with the kids.
The girls are in daycare and they have lots of friends there, I do birthday parties, but it seems that the kids are still small enough that they have to be chased after the whole time so nobody really talks.
Lastly, I simply do not trust babysitters…nobody has watched my kids except for family (and even that has not gone well)…I hope I get over this as my kids get a little older (where they can speak up if anything is not right).
SO pretty much it’s just our little family of four and nobody else…
I have struggled with this most of my momming life, and it’s sad. My in-laws, who all lived close to us, didn’t support our homeschooling or the number of children we have, so haven’t spent much time with us over the years, even leaving us out of some family get-togethers. My parents are supportive and helpful, but live a couple hours away, and now are no longer healthy and able. My siblings are mostly in other states.
When our oldest kids were younger, we had a homeschool group at church that was a nice group of moms and good support. But when we moved to the next town (20-30 minutes away), they gradually left me out and didn’t have time for phone calls or visits any more, even though I was initiating them.
I can really relate to Alison…That whenever I’ve reached out, nothing comes of it. In our new town, people had their groups of friends, and didn’t seem to have time to add new ones… and I always find it tough to find people who want to relate to a homeschooling family of 10. They seem to feel like it says something about their own decisions, and they don’t want to spend time with us. Like others have said, neighbors just don’t seem to want to be neighborly any more.
This sounds so pitiful! But I’ve truly been lonely, and I would wish better for all other moms.
I have reconnected with another friend from our old homeschool group and we try to have lunch once a month, but life happens and sometimes it’s every 3 months instead. We also have joined a small group from church of adults near to our ages, who we meet with a few times a month, and it’s a God-send. It’s the only time I don’t have kids with me. Still not like friends who have been around for years, but I’m glad to have some at all!
I’m still searching for my tribe.
We’ve lived here a year and a half and I don’t have any friends near my home. I LOVE my coworkers but due to my commute most of these wonderful people are a 30-40 drive away.
Most people would be shocked to hear that a military spouse had such a pitiful network. The fact that I have a career and don’t live in the typical military neighborhood keeps me from fitting in with the other spouses and being able to participate in their events
My only local friend is from church. She’s old enough to be my mom (almost my grandmother!) and has essentially adopted our toddler as her grandchild. She’s the only person other than family that I have trusted to babysit.
My work hours/commute, being outside the military norm, and being the youngest family in our church by about 20 years makes it hard to grow my tribe.
I’m very grateful for my best friend from college. She and I haven’t seen each other in almost 2 years but we talk and text every day.