When you think of what a “good mom” looks like, do certain ideals pop into your head? Is she the one who loves nothing more than reading to a classroom full of kids? Or who’ll happily coach 20 preschool soccer players? Is she the one who unabashedly sings and dances at Mommy and Me class while the rest of the moms squirm uncomfortably and try to move their lips without actually making sound? Does she always seem to speak patiently and quietly? Or is she the mom who can gladly leave everything behind and disappear into a fuzzy newborn cloud, doing nothing but rocking in a nightgown all day with a soft, downy-headed babe?
Chances are good you’re great at some of the above. But if you said all of the above, I might have my doubts.
If we’re honest with ourselves, we all have certain “motherly” ideals. Where do they come from? Maybe a little bit from Ma Ingalls or Marmee, a big chunk from our own mothers, grandmothers, aunts, women in TV sitcoms, commercials, other mom bloggers, and from the pages of magazines. Over time we cobble together an image of what makes a Mom, and then we believe we should live up to it.
I think some of that idealization is totally normal, and even makes us better and happier parents (I can’t tell you how many times I’ve thought, “What would Caroline Ingalls do?” and then was relieved to actually find an answer there). But it becomes a problem problem when we try to become something we aren’t, trying desperately to be good at everything we deem “motherly” but failing to value those things that really make us different and special (and that our children really do benefit from!)
Case in point: it took me years-I’m talking nearly a decade here-to admit to myself that I’m really just not a crafty mom. I love the idea of crafting; I love looking at other people’s finished products, I love busting out the felt and thread around the holidays or occasionally tossing some noodles and glue on a piece of construction paper, but I’m never going to be the mom who comes up with a steady stream of interesting, creative art projects for my kids.
But you know what? That’s okay. Because I am the mom who will always let the little boys mess up the table with glue and sequins and play-doh, and even if I’m not actually assisting in the creation of a masterpiece, I always recognize the creativity of their, uh, sequins on glue on paper. I’m the mom who makes up musical numbers (complete with choreography) on the spot while doing the dishes with my oldest two. I’m the mom who tells funny jokes (I swear, they really are funny…at least my kids say so). I’m the mom who’s never afraid to go out and do something new with all the kids…at least once. Crafting is not my strength, but I have so many others, and they are things that really matter to my kids today and tomorrow and that will make fantastic memories in the future. We all do, even if our Real Selves look nothing like our Ideal Selves.
What strengths do you have that maybe don’t get as much recognition as they should? Come on, post ’em here. We can all reassure each other that our strengths do matter..even if we hate to read out loud (gasp-I’ll admit it-I’d rather eat a pickled egg than read Green Eggs and Ham aloud!) or burn every meal we cook…or can’t bring ourselves to shake our sillies out in public.
What makes you an awesome mom-even if it’s not what you always thought a great mom would look like?
featured image: Images Money, via Flickr Creative Commons
I guess my ideal mom would be able to roll with the punches and treat those punches with humor and grace.
Sometimes I can do that and at other times, I’m an anxious, frazzled train-wreck. I really would love to be less high-strung.
I’m not crafty either, but I’m good at cooking up good things with the girls, which is fun. I think that most of the time, I listen when it’s important to listen. I’m kickass at reading aloud, but not so good at kite-flying or playing board games (ah, the torture that is Candyland).
Really interesting topic!
My mom weaknesses include playing kid games (house, etc.) for hours on end. Five minutes and I’m DONE. I’m too ADD.
But I can cook a simple, healthy dinner on a small budget. I can teach a kid good manners. I can pick a book I know he’ll love and help him understand it no matter his reading level. I can teach literature. And I can design a KILLER kids’ bedroom.
An excellent mother shows her kids around a kitchen…enjoys cooking with them- rolls out cookie dough with a preschooler, maybe lets a preteen plan and cook dinner. For me, this is sheer torture. Ive caught myself between a rock and hard place: casting my children out of the kitchen while I’m in it, and then bemoaning the fact that they can’t boil water or fix soup for themselves. For this reason, I suck.
However, I am the “reading mom.” I swear if one of my kids shows an interest (hand to god, i should ever be so lucky) in a book, I will get up at any time of night or day to find said book. I will pay top dollar for the hardcover or seek out an out of print one on ebay. If one of them wants to talk about a book they’ve read, I’m all ears for hours. If one of them demonstrates an interest in a genre or series, I will have borrowed or bought everything in it I can get my hands on.
@KitchWitch-I am so with you on Candyland! And kite-flying, ughughugh. And passing on those cooking skills-good on you for doing that. Kathreen (who commented a couple after you) is my sister and I don’t know about her but I never learned to cook from our mom, which makes it hard for me to cook with my kids, because in a lot of ways I still feel like I’m learning every time I step into the kitchen. But I have them help in small ways that won’t stress me out-like mixing pancake batter. I am raising an army of fantastic pancake batter makers! I also like to think that, even if I’m not teaching them any actual skills, I AM teaching them not to be afraid of the kitchen, because I get in there and try…even if a lot of my recipes are flops. (I hope they aren’t learning by example the fine art of moping around passive-aggressively when nobody likes your meal, though…)
@Whitney-sounds like we all have reading in common. I love reading out loud as long as it isn’t Eric Carle or Dr. Seuss. I think I may have just committed a major mommy faux paus admitting that…and hey, good for you on being able to design a cool kids’ room; I think that’s an under-rated skill that a lot of us would admire in you.
@Kathreen-I can attest to you being the Reading Mom. Even my kids would rather discuss books with you than with me. And that’s a big thing. I mean, in your life food barely factors in except as something to sustain you to the next book. Who says everyone has to be a great cook?
The Ideal Mom – softer than me. Softer of voice, less critical, less excitable. I have to work hard to be less critical (grew up in a very critical home) and some days I’m better than others. She also keeps a cleaner home than me. I hear my hypocrisy at times when I talk about my child’s room, then look at my own. Sigh.
The strengths? Listening and talking for sure. I will entertain ideas and notions of all sorts, and follow them to conclusion, whether the speaker be 1 or 21. I love to talk with kids, to get to know them, and to find their passions.
Another strength is showing affection. I am openly and often affectionate with my child (again, my parents weren’t).
Thanks for the conversation opener. I have been following your blog for quite a while now, first time commenting though!
@kate-I’m so glad you commented! I can relate to both your statements-I also would like to be a quieter, gentler version of myself, but the flip side is that I am unabashed in my affection for my kids. There are a lot of hugs, kisses and “I love you’s” and I know that counts for a lot when I’m a bit, uhh, louder than I’d like to be.
My prefect mom would cook full meals from scratch daily. While I’m good with most domestic duties, I just cannot make myself like cooking. I try and food goes from store, to fridge, to trash. I also suck at remembering to freeze things before they’re icky, HA!.
What I am good at is actually having a lot of patience I didn’t know was possible from me. When it comes to by daughter, I just don’t get annoyed easily. I can pretty her up if she wants…love to do me some hair. Oh, and her room will always be organized if she lets me. I love sorting and cleaning
My ideal mom would be patient, neat, and spur of the moment.
I am totally good at reading, kid conversations, cooking/teaching kids cooking, and not sweating most small stuff.
I am horrible at being patient when it’s something that triggers anger for me (things like making deliberate messes for no reason since i’m horrible at cleaning too, laughing when I’m trying to explain my anger/frustration, etc). I am horrible at keeping a neat, organized house. I also don’t like kid games – I don’t mind kite flying at all but games with rules that everyone has to follow? Ugh.
I wish I could focus on the patience I have 80% of the time, and not the 20% of the time I flip out.
Here’s one thing I think I need universal praise for – I took my Toy-Story-obsessed 4 year old daughter to Toy Story 3 in the movie theater *by myself* with her 16 month old brother at 38 weeks pregnant and everyone had a decently good time. I am going to be bragging about how amazing I am for that one to my nursing home caretakers.
What a great topic. It really got me thinking. Plus, Aww… I can totally see you singing and dancing at the kitchen sink! I guess the actress never leaves you. I love making up songs and dances with Ellie, but when it comes to cooking forget it. That’s just not my thing!
@Heather and @Amber-I am noticing a pattern here. Lots of us not so great in the kitchen. But you know, I’m realizing there’s no shame in whipping up the 20-minute meal. It’s not even necessarily less healthy than the more time (and talent) intensive one, you know? Amber, isn’t it amazing how much patience you can have with your kids?
@Leah-kite flying, once the kite’s in the air? Fine. Trying to put the thing together, test the wind, get it up? Gahh! You deserve huge props for the Toy Story solo mission. Your daughter will probably remember that for years to come.
I love that you ask yourself what Caroline Ingalls would do! I wish I’d thought of that!
I am not the mom who looks like a fashion plate and whose kids always have clean hands and clean clothes. I am not the mom who can figure out how to get those teeny ponytail holders into my little girl’s hair. And I am not the mom who can keep the garden weed free and counters and toilets clean.
But I am the mom who never forgets to write down the important little things in the baby books of my children. I am the mom who remembers to hug my children and tell them that I love them. I am the mom who prays with my children, who safeguards their health, and who reads books aloud every day. I am the mom who is learning and teaching patience, kindness, and self-control to my little ones, as well as the ability to have joy in all circumstances.
@Jamie-Clara doesn’t have much hair to speak of yet, but I’m terrified of those little ponytail holders. Can’t she just wear a hat until she’s old enough to deal with this herself?
I love that you never forget to write down important things. I DO forget more than I’d like, which seems shameful since I’m a WRITER. I just always think this or that is so cute or so notable that I could never forget. The thing is, I don’t forget but eventually I can’t remember which kid to attribute that adorable quirk to…
To me the ideal mom is the one who rolls with the punches, but also, secretly, I think an ideal mom is one who loves to play with their kids. And sadly I’m not that. I die of boredom from their “play pursuits.” I wish I were different and I beat myself up about it a lot.
However I am the mom who’s always willing to listen, to help my children express their emotions, to offer a comforting set of arms, to dance up a storm and to find ways to take my kids new and exciting places. I’m also a mom who’s willing to learn new things just so I can be a better mom. I’m not afraid to change if change is what’s needed.
Love this stuff Meagan! Keep it up.
@Maman-you sound like my husband. He is utterly disoriented in the middle of the night-I actually envy him, how deeply he sleeps!
@Christine-being willing to learn new things and take your kids on adventures is such a huge gift to them. I know they’ll grow up appreciating it!
I think the “ideal mom” is patient and kind and genuinely tries to do what’s best for her kids (and does her research so she knows her options!).
I am a crafty mom and a high-energy mom. I’m terrible at sports but great at playing on playgrounds and making up silly games. But I play hard and I sleep hard and I pretty much suck at having rational thoughts in the middle of the night. Hubby and I often chuckle at my bewilderment if our 13-month-old wakes up in the night teething or whatever-I just walk him around confused, seemingly incapable of creative thoughts or problem solving.
TheKitchenWitch’s ideal mom who rolls with the punches with humor and grace really resonates with my Ideal Mom, who is also playful and good at housekeeping/cleaning. I’m working hard to keep the helicopter-parent tendencies in check, but I’m only mildly successful.
My real strengths as a mom are that I’m incredibly affectionate, I love to read with my daughter. I like to cook with her. As much as I can, I treat her like a real person whose thoughts and feelings are very important to her. My dad did this, but my mom not so much, and it was really important to me. Also, I’m pretty good at keeping my cool in the face of my strong-willed child’s intensity (even though I’m strong-willed and intense). Finally, I’m pretty darn good at safeguarding everyone’s health, because I pick up on symptoms early and pursue them until I have an answer (as in my daughter’s dairy allergy and my dog’s bladder stones, both of which required many dr’s visits over a period of weeks to diagnose).
Thanks for this! It really helps to remember that I have strengths as a mom, when I’m all too likely to be focused on my shortcomings.
@Peasy’s Mom-treating your child’s thoughts and feelings as real and important is BIG. I’m not always so great at that myself (“Oh, come on, it’s not that big a deal…”) but you’ve inspired me to try harder.
I definitely wish I was more patient, better at getting my kids places on time (working on it), and I wish I liked playing pretend-but it is tortuous for me. I am, however, great at coloring, reading books, and playing board and card games. And I am really awesome at fixing things that have broken or ripped-my daughter knows I am the one to go to, not daddy, if something needs fixing.
@Kerri-learning to get kids somewhere on time is a loong process, isn’t it? I figure by the time I master it, they’ll all be out of the house and suddenly I’ll be showing up everywhere an hour early…
To me, the Ideal Mom is someone who is a Jack Of All Trades, someone who can do a little bit of everything (cooking, crafting, playing, sporting, etc.). She’s low-maintenance & easy-going but looks like a million dollars without effort. She is patient and kind but is respected by her children.
I lack the patience of Ideal Mom and never look like a million dollars – even when I try. I have a shorter temper than I would like & I do feel bad about it after I overreact. And I’m not as “sporty” as I would like to be – I’m just not that coordinated, never was. I only feel bad about this one when I witness the possibility that I may have passed this on to my daughter.
One of my strengths is that I play very well. I am willing to let my daughter try just about anything she wants (within reason). I don’t care if there’s a mess, I don’t care if there’s stains – They can always be dealt with later. I like that I am allowing her to explore the world in whatever way she wants to & am not restricting her because she might get dirty or make a mess. I always felt like there was so much more out there that I was never shown as a kid (I didn’t know that anyone could try dancing, I thought you either were a dancer or weren’t, like handed-ness), and I can’t wait to show my daughter the world!
I had to think hard about this one. I have had a few bad parenting weeks, but decided this would be a good exercise for me.
I am a good mom in the area of “nourishing my kid’s interests.” For example, I had NO interest in dinosaurs, bugs, lizards or spiders. Oh sure, I love nature, but I was more into mammals – the cuddly cute creatures. My son? Not so much. But over the years, I have done my research and know more about dinosaurs etc. than I ever thought possible. I am now the girl who nudges spiders out of the sink to save them from drowning and we even own tarantulas, I catch all sorts of bugs now and keep containers in an area just for my son to do so as well. We have a plethora of dino books that I actually find interesting and I have been researching lizard keeping for over a year. We may be getting a crested gecko in the fall to add to our animal mayhem.
My daughter loves princess/fairy crap and despite my rampant Disney Disgust, I purchased a legion of Tinkerbell dolls and even the movie for her birthday. *DeepBreaths*
Whew. I did it! I found something.
I am crafty – but not with the kids. I can knit and I can sew and I can bake, but as soon as the little ones get involved I am yelling and being Not My Best Self. And this is not what I think a good mom should be like.
But I am very good at playing silly games, and I am awesomely awesome at taking the children on neighbourhood adventures. So I just keep the crafting to myself, for when there aren’t children around to interrupt my flow.
Tough questions! On the one hand, it’s hard to blow one’s horn, and on the other hand, it’s hard to admit one’s weaknesses. But since I think it could be healing, as you suggest, here I go:
I too love newborns and babies. To the extent that I wonder if I scar my older children emotionally by the millions of kisses planted on those babies’ heads, instead of theirs.
I love to cook and I think I do a good job of it. I’m organized and I have all sorts of efficient systems to get us out of the house on time in the morning, ready for bed at night, and the chores done. But I wish I were more loosy-goosy and go-with-the-flow; not so anal.
I highly value reading, writing, drawing, creating and other imagination-fortifying activities. I’m not so good with sports, math, nature, science.
I love being a mom and I love my kids, but I’m not touchy feely affectionate (except with babies…alas). I got panicked when I read Gretchen Rubin’s comment that she hopes her children remember her as loving since lovingness erases many mistakes.
Will my kids remember me as loving? It really is crucial. This is the one thing I will allow myself to feel guilty about, for now, and to work on: to show my love more often, to be more demonstrative, to be softer and more easy to smile.
Thanks for helping us all work through this, Meagan!