One thing I often hear when another parent speaks out against judgment is “But judging is normal! Everybody judges.”
Well, in some ways I think that’s true. I make snap judgments every day, often before I even think about it consciously. Often having a bad feeling about a person or situation is just showing discernment.
But I think there’s a difference between the natural judging we do when something offends or disturbs us, and cultivating a culture of judgment. And in my experience, when you get really wrapped up in a judgmental mindset or culture, it makes you feel a lot worse – not better! – about yourself.
From today’s Babble post:
Of course it’s ridiculous and illogical to second-guess your decisions based on an offhand comment or the opinion of a nasty, irrational critic. But that’s the thing about feeling judged: it’s not always logical, but it always feels bad.
It goes like this: the more you take part in judging, the more you see the world as a place where your actions, your ideas, your very deeply held beliefs, are likely to be judged.
Also, the more you judge, the more you are likely to hang around with excessively judge-y people, and guess what? They’re probably gonna judge you, too.
What do you think? Have you ever gone through a judge-y phase as a mom, and how did it make you feel about yourself? I’d love for you to read the rest of the post and then weigh in!
I think it’s important to distinguish between “using our judgment” and “being judgmental.” There should be a lot more of the former, which involves collecting and evaluating information to make a decision, and a lot less of the latter, which is nothing but finger-pointing. Any idiot can point fingers. It’s nothing to be proud of.
That’s what I love about the word “discernment”! It has all the meaning without any of the nasty context. (You can’t “be discernmenty”, can you?)
But if you tweak the spelling, maybe you can be “discernminty fresh.”
SO true. I can already see how this issue comes into play and my daughter is only 3.5 months old! Receiving judgement always feels bad but at the end of the day I have to make the best decisions for MY family, regardless of how others respond.
Another common response to call-outs of judgment is, “So, don’t feel judged. End of problem.” Such a cop-out.
I could not agree more, especially as it relates to one’s own happiness and fulfillment. The harder I work at letting go of judgement of others, the easier it is to just enjoy my children and my life. I think going around assuming everyone is thinking badly of you and therefore you should think badly of them wastes SO much energy. Using that energy to be present with my family ends up better for everyone involved. Thanks for such a thoughtful post!
I like to use the word gossip because judgment isn’t always so bad. We use it to analyze our daily living, but when we do so to assume or to make others feel worse, then that’s when it’s ill-used.
I do my best not to judge and I think I do a good job. However I know I’m not perfect and have judged, and do so until now, but thankfully am quicker to catch myself and don’t do it quite as often. Simply being aware of my actions has helped a lot.
Nowadays I take a more, “Do whatever works for you” attitude. Because I’m pretty sure some of the things I do are going to seem cooky to other people even if it seems perfectly fine to me
Judgment is the worst. Ever since becoming a mom, I feel like you get judgment from everywhere! It really stinks. Everyone has their own opinions, their own history, their own ideas and beliefs that shapes them into the person they are and what decisions they make. Everyone parents in their own way because no two people are alike and no two children are alike. And that’s the way it should be! No one should judge you for that – plain and simple.
Thank you Megan for once again putting into words something I have experienced through the years as a mom!
I agree that using our judgement to figure out the world around is is important. And in my mind I judge lots of the things that go on around me…the key is keeping my judgements to myself! I live by “if you can’t say something nice don’t say anything at all”. If I truly disagree with someone’s parenting choices I will keep my mouth shut. That is not to say I don’t appreciate a good discussion…but I keep it civil!
I got caught up in a friend web full of judgment and found myself feeling so icky after we’d spend time together and not liking myself when I was around them. I never wanted to be the first to leave because I just knew I’d be next on their list to discuss. I got out of that group. It was a huge weight lifted off of me!
Steph
I have made a habit of seeking out friends that don’t judge. I married a man that isn’t judge-y. I run in to the problem with family (mostly in-laws) that judge. I was raised in a non-judgemental family and was ill prepared for that culture. You cannot (or in some cases should not) banish every opinionated, looks-down-upon, feels free to share what they think, person in your life.
That is where having a thick skin comes in to play. Not letting what those around me think, affect how I feel about myself. Also, not judging those who judge me. I can get caught up in dealing out harsh judgement (mostly behind their backs) to those who have judged me (to my face). I cannot let them bring me down. I also give myself permission to not answer that person’s phone call or go to that person’s party if I am in a place where I cannot deal with them. I just have to be careful not to burn the bridge though. Because in my case it’s people that love me, my husband and my children.
I’ve moved a lot (9 times in 7 years) and I’m in the process of building my support network (again). Hang on to those true friends. Or buddies that let you be who you are.
Dayna
So true, and it works for any type of judgement. I started by consciously stopping myself from judging what other women wear, and noticed I felt better about my appearance. Same goes for other people’s relationships and parenting. Unless it’s something I find really egregious (which is still often a personal judgement on my part) I try very hard to give it the ol’ shoulder shrug and “Whatever works for them”.
Yes, thank you Megan! I hate the cop-out of “everybody judges, its human”. Sure, we all give into the instinct sometimes, but that doesn’t mean we can’t strive to do better. I consciously decided to stop judging after realizing how it felt to have my parenting judged…when I find myself thinking judge-y thoughts I try to find some common ground or even to think of legitimate reasons for why someone may be making those different choices (in attire, parenting, etiquette, etc…) My husband gets irritated with me (because he likes to act curmudgeonly) but what the world DOESN’T need is less understanding and compassion.
A very interesting and useful posting! God bless you.