Yesterday I got a lovely link-up from Josey at PAILbloggers, a blog for moms (and dads, I think) who are parenting through adoption, infertility or loss. It got me thinking about how very differently we all experience the journey to becoming moms, and how much that can affect the way we experience motherhood and relate to other mothers.
One of the first blogs I ever stumbled upon 11 or 12 years ago was Dawn Friedman’s This Woman’s Work. At the time Dawn was struggling with secondary infertility (she later adopted a daughter) and blogging openly about the process and the many issues that come along with taking a less-traveled path to parenthood. I read Dawn’s blog (and her entire blogroll) for years.
I remember Dawn writing once that infertile and very fertile women actually have something in common: both can feel betrayed by their bodies. I can definitely attest to that statement! I know the experience of gut-wrenching dread when looking at a positive pregnancy test. I moved past it, but never forgot how easily nature can humble us and completely change our lives whether we are ready for it to or not.
Many of you know that I had my first baby when I was barely 20. That pregnancy was not planned (though, in a breathtaking display of youthful idiocy, I can’t say I was doing a bang-up job trying to prevent it, either) and it completely shook up my life.
But what I found was that early motherhood, which was definitely upsetting in a lot of ways, also gave me a sense of purpose and focus in life that I had been lacking, and paved the way for me to have a large family, which I had always wanted but might not have been able to have as easily if I’d waited.
I also felt very little pressure as a 20-year-old first-time mom, since I didn’t know anyone else who was having kids yet, and all my peers seemed awed by the simple fact that I was able to grow something in my body and then keep it alive. Organic cotton clothing and wooden Waldorf toys weren’t even on my radar yet. In a strange way, it was easier to feel good about my skills as a poor, inexperienced, very young new mother than as an experienced, middle-class 30-year-old mom.
On the flip side, I do sometimes wonder what dreams I might have recognized in my twenties if I hadn’t spent that decade breastfeeding and changing diapers. I do have a tiny bit of wistfulness when I think of how I’d meant to spend my young adult years, as opposed to how I actually did. Not enough to want to change the trajectory of my life, but enough to make me curious.
Anyway, that brings me to this week’s Your Turn Thursday question: what was your path to motherhood, and how has it affected your experience of being a mom? I love reading personal stories about how women became moms and am really looking forward to your responses this week.
My DH and I were married young (22) and we waited five years before trying to get pregnant. The first time, it took a year and a half for me to get pregnant, it was a very difficult time in my life when it seemed *everyone* I knew was getting pregnant so easily. It was the irony of my life when, after over five years of actively trying to prevent pregnancy, now I was unable (or so I thought) to get pregnant.
Our first DD was born in 2005, when I was two weeks shy of my 29th birthday. I had wanted to start my family at 26, but I am actually glad looking back that we had that time together as adults, since we were married so young.
When it came time to have a sibling for her, we wanted at least two years between them, so we started “trying” to get PG when she was 18 months. It only took 4 months that time. DD#2 was born in 2007.
After two complicated birth experiences (the first one being quite traumatic) it took a long time to decide whether we wanted to have another child, although I had always envisioned myself having three. (To me, two isn’t enough, but four is too much, so three is just right!)
In early 2010, DH and I decided that we were going to try for #3, figuring it would take us a few months. I was training for a half-marathon at the time and was hoping to run it before I actually got pregnant. The hall-marathon never happened: destiny intervened when I got pregnant with #3 on the first try! You could imagine my shock after it having taken so long the first time.
DD#3 was born in 2010. Now our family is complete, some days I feel like 3 is too many with the chaos and complications it seems there is, but when I look at my third child I am so thankful that we took the chance because “you never regret the kids you have, only the ones you *don’t* have.”
My first pregnancy was not planned, as I had been diagnosed with PCOS. We weren’t exactly trying to prevent it, I just always assumed I’d need fertility treatments to get pregnant. Sadly, on May 13th, 2009, one day after my due date, I had an emergency c-section after going into labor due to my son being in distress. We lost him about 15 minutes later due to an unforseen birth defect in his lungs. I definitely felt betrayed by my body, as my pregnancy was perfect.
My husband and I got married two months later, and I got pregnant with my son Joshua on my first round of Clomid. I got my first positive pregnancy test on New Year’s Eve 2009.
Losing our first made me a bit more cautious the second time around, but it’s also made me appreciate every hug, kiss and smile from my second just a little bit more. He’ll be two in about a month, and I’m in no hurry for him to grow up, as he will be our last.
My journey to motherhood: in total my roundabout road took ten years! Included 5 rounds of IVF, three pregnancies, three miscarriages and two adoptions! Proud mamma of Jake ( 6 1/2 ) and Brooke (2 1/2). In response to our journey, we created Helpusadopt.org in 2007 — a national financial grant program that helps people adopt with our adoption grant program. Since our launch in 2007 we have helped to build 65 families and have awarded $495,000 in adoption grants!
Meagan, like you, my mom had her first child at just shy of 20 — 9 months and five days after her wedding. It was not what she wanted. She (and my dad, who was 26 at the time) rose admirably to the occasion, and in truth it wasn’t so offbeat at the time for a woman barely out of high school to give up a job she had barely held to become a mom. She had me three years later. And she didn’t have my younger brother (by choice) until she was 31. I think was strongly influenced by how often my mother told me, with honesty, that 31 was when she felt “ready” to be a mother. In my mind, as I went through college and established a career and tried to find lasting love/commitment, one’s early 30s seemed like a good or “right” time to have a baby. I didn’t do it myself until I was 36, which had more to do with the finding-love part of the equation. My situation worked out very well for me, in that I was able to find the right guy, and we were able to get pregnant quickly (both then and 2 years later, when I had my second, and last, child). And while one’s late thirties are not crazy old to have children, it did leave less room and time to have a married life that didn’t include children. I had very little time to just be with my husband, and I have to hope that we’ll be healthy and sane enough to have alone time when our boys grow up! I’m 46 now and by this point, my mother was a grandmother already, with an empty nest. What I also miss was the opportunity to leave more space between the two I had close together, and space AFTER the last one to really think about having a third. AGain, back to my mother’s situation: She had my sister and me in school full time and much more independent when she had my brother, and she could concentrate more fully on him and being a mother rather than feeling all in-the-trenches. I didn’t have that luxury for having a third; if I wanted another (which I sort of did and sort of didn’t) I’d have had to have a baby too close to my last one, and I knew I didn’t have that in me.
No matter how and when you become a parent, there is loss involved. It’s just built in.
We often joke that we had two famiies – two boys close together, then a four year break followed by two more kids close together. I truly enjoy it more the second time around – I’m less worried, more confident in myself and more aware of how fast the baby years go by.
I am enjoying together with my kids and husband. We always exert time for bonding each other. One of our bonding time is having picnic in our garden. 🙂
I became a mom at 24 after being married for two years. We got married right out of college (I still had some credits to finish) and I never got a chance to start life, really, until my son came along. I wish I had gone out and gotten a real job now, of course, but I never regret having a baby, mainly because having one now it would be life-threatening. So, it was a good thing it happened when it did, thought it still feels disruptive, if that makes sense. I’m SO MUCH happier now with him, now.
I think kids do give both a focus to life – I had to figure out quickly what I wanted things to look like because wow, the responsibility! But, right now, I’m in the preschool years, and things are little fuzzy. That will pass soon enough, I know and things will be different again.
My husband and I didn’t think we could have kids due to some health issues he had in the past and we were not all that concerned about it. We decided to give it a try, I was 36 and felt it was now or never, just so we would never wonder what if. Well, the first month we tried I got pregnant! It took me a while to adjust to the idea of having a baby. Henry was born May 1st and has been a revelation and a joy. I never thought I would enjoy being a mother as much as I do!
Although it is doubtful we will have a second child the idea is not off the table.
I was 35 when Mr. Sandwich and I got married. I was already anxious about the passage of time, but he really wanted to wait a couple of years before trying, particularly since our whole dating relationship had been long-distance.
When we did start trying, I had two miscarriages almost exactly a year apart. The third try was the charm–although we thought we were waiting another month, because first I wanted to ride ATVs on our Kauai vacation. Turns out that Baguette was riding ATVs and snorkeling and kayaking with us the whole time, although we didn’t know it until after we were home.
Since then, I’ve had two more miscarriages, making five pregnancies–one of them full-term–in four years. We’d love to give Baguette a little brother or sister, but it may not happen this way.
I should add that Mr. Sandwich was totally right about waiting. We have a great marriage, and I think for us that’s because we took that time to be two, before we started trying to be three. When we were having trouble, we both felt very strongly that if we never had a baby, we’d be really sad–but we would still be lucky to have each other.
And who’s to say it would have gone any differently if we’d started earlier?
Yesterday was the 10th anniversary of becoming a mom via adoption. I blogged about it yesterday….there is nothing that brings me more joy than my two sons!!! I’m also adopted (infant domestic) so adoption runs deep in my soul.
I married my husband in my late 20s and we both wanted a baby soon after. Like you, we wanted a big family since we both come from huge families. We originally wanted four kids. Ha! Once the little guy was born, I was okay with one for the longest time. But now that he’s getting older, I’m more and more open to having another one.
My path to motherhood was quite involved and lengthy. Due to some hormonal changes my body endured after struggling with anorexia, getting pregnant was not easy street. Starving yourself for a time will screw up your body’s natural hormones. Don’t recommend this ladies!! Your fertility is more important than your jean size!! Anyways, after meeting with my gynecologist (after 5 ish months of getting off birth control with no period) she recommend that we immediately begin working with a fertility dr. After several sounds of treatments and a 1.5 year span we conceived via help of IVF! Our beautiful baby girl, Clara, was born May 2 and we are LOVING it. Praise God!
I love reflecting on this topic. First, let me say that I feel EXTREMELY blessed that everything in my life fell into place exactly has I planned and hoped. My husband and I thank God every day for what we have.
I met my husband when I was 20 and we married two years later when I was starting graduate school. At that time kids were so far off our radar. We both were ok with having them “some day”, but didn’t really know when that would be. After grad school we moved across the country for my new job so the idea of kids was still off the radar. I had student loans to pay off and I wanted to focus on the career I just studied hard six years to get. Around this time some of my older siblings started to have / try to have their children. They were in their early 30’s and it did not come as easy as they thought. They did eventually have them, but those struggles stuck with me that I shouldn’t wait too long. Still, I was in the throws of my career and enjoying my new married life.
Then three years after moving/starting my job I started to get restless. When we moved here, we became friends with two couples – one had 5 young kids, the other 4. We found we enjoyed their company much more than the other single or kid free friends. One night after a late evening of playing board games while the kids zonked out watching movies, we helped them gather the kids to their car. My husband carried their 5yo daughter and I will never forget this — when he carried her out, she gave him a big snuggle hug and he said it just melted his heart. He said he figured she thougt he was her Daddy and that he wanted to feel that for real sooner than later. We agreed that if we were going to have kids, we’d go all out and try to have four (long list of reasons…).
I was 27 at this point and agreed to start. I got pregnant the first try! This shocked me a little but I was happy. I was still glad I had nine months to prepare and wrap my head around the idea. My son was born not long after my 28th birthday. I felt that was just perfect. I was solid enough in my career that I was able to go back to work but on a more reasonable schedule my boss and I negotiated. My husband, who already started his own at home business agreed to stay home.
From the moment I gave birth I told my husband I definitely wanted to do it again. I wanted at least 18months between kids, so we started trying when he was 9mo. Son #2 was born 21mo after #1, in the spring. We were still happy and managing well with me working and him at home.
I wanted another spring baby (we’re in TX were summers are brutal). So we started trying for #3 to be born the spring #2 turned two. No such luck… after months of trying, I did get pregnant just before his 2nd birthday. This meant I was pregnant through the whole hot summer and we welcomed our daughter late October that year. Looking back, I think it was better to have a little more space between #2 and #3.
Once again, we were happy and managing. Being the engineer geek I am, I had everything plotted in a spreadsheet to consider #4. Again I had my “at least 18mo” rule. But I also didn’t want them too far apart because I felt the older #3 got, the easier it would get and then we’d be less inclined to go with #4. I also loved the bond my two older ones had formed being close in age, and I wanted the same for the next two. Then there was the summer. I dreaded the thought of another summer pregnancy. Also, it would be perfect if my maternity leave (4mo) coincided with my older one’s school summer break. So on my spreadsheet I figured it out … I had 2 months to shoot for – to be due in April or May after #3 turned 1. I was very pessimistic this would happen since #3 took so many tries. But, there we were, looking at a postive pregnancy test after the first try with an EDD in late April, when #3 turned 18mo. We were blessed with another girl, so we have two boys, two girls… all within 6 years. I was 34 when she was born, which fulfilled my other “rule” of having them all before 35 to minimize risk.
After the births of my first three, I knew I wanted to keep going. After #4, I just knew I was done. My hubby agreed, and he had a V during my six week recovery. She’s now 2 and we have no regrets. Like I said, we feel extreeeeeemly blessed it all worked out this way.
I’m definitely more relaxed and confident as a mother now than I was when I had my first, but I think that is more from experience instead of age. I also feel fortunate that I was able to plan each and every one of my pregnancies, and that my partner was in complete agreement which my choices. I’m also thankful to have access to various birth control methods over the last 16 years.
We got married at 24, had our first at 26 and our second at 29. We had no problem getting pregnant either time (blessed!), and I was soo ready for each one! I know I am so lucky, and that our boys are the best things to ever happen to us! We plan to add one (or 2) more, but for now- I am truly enjoying being a mom 🙂 http://www. Laderamom.wordpress.com
I have PCOS, and we had a hard time getting pregnant the first time. We wanted a large family, and it seemed brutally unfair that I couldn’t get pregnant (I wasn’t even having cycles at the time). I had some surgery for mild endometriosis, and then I became pregnant with Philip at the end of that month. My placenta abrupted just after the 1st trimester and he was born too soon. Something ontologically changed after his death, and my innocence about pregnancy, childbearing, and motherhood was irrevocably lost. We conceived H four months after Philip’s death, and I spent that whole pregnancy a mass of nerves. (It didn’t help that we undertook a major house renovation at the same time–never do that!). He was born in Jan. 2008, and we wanted our kids to be close in age, so we started trying again as soon as we were able. It took 18 months to conceive M, during which time I felt discouraged and awful and betrayed. I figured I was one of those women who was totally infertile while breastfeeding (since it took weaning + another 8 months before we could conceive).
Imagine our surprise and shock when I conceived (while breastfeeding) a mere 7 months after M was born! I found myself betrayed by my body once more with excess fertility. We definitely wanted more children, but after two high needs children with developmental delays, we wanted to space them out a bit. Add in a third high needs child with some challenging health issues and significant developmental delays (although she has improved a ton in the last few months), and now I’m in a curious position of being terrified of my fertility. My cycles are all wonky again, so I never know when I’m fertile, and yet I might be possibly be infertile again because of a PCOS flare. (Which is fine, given that we need a bit more time before trying for #4, but I’d like to know that!) My body frustrates me on so many levels. Mostly it is about control, and I just need to get over it, but easier said than done.
My story, love Your Turn Thursday
http://feistyfam.blogspot.com/2012/07/your-turn-thursday.html
Wow, congratulations for having a baby. So, good to hear that you have a beautiful and happy family. Maybe in my late 20s I will get married also.
What I find really interesting in your blog today has nothing to do with a path to motherhood, but the idea that you felt no pressure in your first pregnancy. Ignorance is bliss, and I don’t mean that in a bad way. Sometimes there’s just too much information. I know my Mother did not ever worry about some of the things I feel pressured to make decisions about, like education choices, the correct sunscreen, discipline techniques, or organic food! Sometimes you have to tune things out and trust your gut – and maybe that’s the best thing I can give my children – the ability to trust their gut.
I fell in love at 18 with a man who *really* wanted the marriage & kids thing. Can’t say I had given it much thought. Was probably the *kids at 35* or maybe *never* type.
Anyway, we compromised but felt ready age 25 shortly after we moved to save a ton of money. Life was so much easier in our low cost haven I agreed to stop holding out 5 more years. We about planned both our kids to the day. Which I *never* expected in the least. Our plan was a realistic “this could take a while; might never happen.”. Summer babies worked so well with my work schedule and 2 years apart was our ideal.
In the end I am glad we had kids on the young side, after establishing some financial and marital stability. the idea of being empty nesters in our 40s sounds nice. Motherhood has been great with such an involved spouse. I appreciate we are very blessed. That said, I think we are a good balance of “planners” who tend to go with the flow.
My husband and I got married when I was 27 and he was 34. Before we married we agreed we would wait 3-4 yrs before having a baby. Both of my children were planned down to the month they were born. We were fortunate to conceive on the first cycle we tried with both of them. They are 3 yrs apart and as a mother in my 30s and having planned to get pregnant both times I think I feel pretty confident about my parenting. I also think it helped me to not feel any “baby blues”. I was ready for this next phase of my life and don’t feel any loss of what was before children (except bathroom privacy, lol).
We got married just before my 21st birthday, and were the first of our friends to do so. Again ahead of most of our friends, my oldest son was born just after my 23rd birthday, and his brother almost exactly 18 months later. Especially at first, I wished we had put more time between them, because the oldest still needed so much help with everything, but now that they’re playing together and enjoying each other most of the time, I’m really happy they’re as close as they are.
I see some of my friends-turned-acquaintences “living it up”, and I have the occasional twinge of jealousy when I see someone buying/renovating a house, travelling to fun places, and we’re paying for diapers and renting the same place while my husband finishes school. But I remind myself that we’ll eventually be grown ups.
I am a college graduate, but I never did anything with my degree. I worked the same job after college that I worked during school, and I quit to become a full time stay at home mom 2 days before our younger son was born. And I’m okay with that. I got a degree in something that interested me, but I don’t think I would want to work in that field, and I haven’t found a passion to work toward yet.
I also always wanted to be a young mom – I don’t want to be having babies in my late 30s or 40s. I want my kids to be older and doing fun stuff at that point. And I have a maybe silly wish to be the young hot mom. Maybe not so silly.
For as long as I can remember, the thing I wanted most out of life was to be a Mommy. As early as my teen years, I had already picked out names for my children.
During my late teens and early twenties, I spent a lot of time with my friends’ children. My memories of this time are some of the best I can remember. While the adults were upstairs doing adult activities, I could be found downstairs with the kids, laughing and playing. I used to pack them all into my small car and take them to the local park, or to the ice cream parlor. We went to movies, sports events, air shows, the pumpkin patch, strawberry picking—I could go on and on.
When my niece Ashley was born in 1990, she became my almost constant companion. I wanted to take her with me everywhere. As she grew, I attended her early soccer games, band concerts, school programs, football games to watch her cheer, basketball games to watch her play, etc. She was my maid of honor at my wedding. I cried through her high school graduation like she was my own child. One of the hardest days of my life was saying goodbye when she left for basic training in the Army. My bond with my second niece, Kayla, born in 1999, is just as strong.
When Ashley wanted to be a Girl Scout at six years old, I became a Girl Scout leader. I was there for every meeting and event for seven years—through Daisies, Brownies, Juniors, and Cadettes. Through being a leader, I also had the chance to bond with the other girls in the troop.
I was happy in life seeing the world through the eyes of these kids. I can only hope that my time with them and my attention had a good influence on their lives, and that they have precious memories just like mine. Through all these years of watching my family members and friends have babies, and sharing in their lives, I always hoped and prayed that one day I would be able to have a child of my own.
By the grace of God, I met John in 2003 when I was 37 years old, and we both had the same life goals of marriage and children. We were married after one year, and started our life together as husband and wife. But parenthood continued to elude us. Instead of spending a lot of money on expensive fertility treatments, only to have them not work, we decided to pursue adoption. We met with an adoption lawyer, and had a home study done by a private adoption agency in West Virginia. In 2007, we moved to Virginia, to be closer to our jobs. At that point we realized that domestic private adoption was going to be too expensive, and international adoption was not possible because I had Type II diabetes (the health standards for prospective parents were very high). I had to accept the fact that I would never be a mother, and I was devastated.
My dear husband, in a last-ditch effort to make my dream come true, contacted the Department of Social Services (DSS) and arranged a meeting to discuss the foster-to-adopt program. I have to admit I was skeptical, because of all the negative things I had heard about foster parenting and the difficulties with children in “the system.” But deep down inside, I had that little grain of hope that we may have finally found a way to become parents. We attended eight weeks of training, had another home study and a background check completed, and were approved to be foster parents in September 2009. I was so excited to redecorate the spare room in our home as a nursery.
We received our first foster child in February 2010, a delightful three-year-old little boy. We had one joyous weekend with him, then—fortunately for him, the judge decided he could go back to be with his father. After three days, I went from being over-the-moon happy back to being distraught again.
And then, on March 10, 2010, God gave us the answer to so many years of prayers. At 4:00 p.m. in the afternoon, John and I were called to DSS to pick up eleven-month-old Ethan. I can’t tell you how scared I was, that this would turn out to be a situation similar to the first one. But the next week, the judge ordered that Ethan would stay in foster care, so that his birth mother could work a plan for him to return home. It was a very long and stressful year. But in March 2011, the judge decided that the goal for Ethan’s case would be changed to adoption. On April 1, 2011, John and I signed the consent to adopt, and on November 14, 2011, we legally became Ethan’s parents.
I know now that dreams do come true. And that God does answer prayers, in His own good time. There are not enough adjectives in the dictionary to describe how I feel; I still choke up whenever I think about it. Ethan is absolutely the light of my life, and just the sound of his voice can put a smile on my face. When he calls me “Mommy,” or says “I wuv you,” my heart melts in my chest. He is the missing piece to our puzzle. No matter how parenthood comes to you, it is a miracle. And I have mine.