After reading Daniel Gilbert’s book Stumbling on Happiness (which, overall, I loved) and seeing countless references to his section on whether or not parenthood makes people happier, I have started no fewer than three times to write a post on why I take issue with the notion that motherhood-gasp!-doesn’t make us happy like we’d all been led to believe.
And each of those three times I’ve hit a major stumbling block with the post and it has been left to linger and wilt in Draft mode. I just haven’t been able to put into words how I really feel about the question: Does having kids make us happier? Or less happy?
I finally realized that I can’t come up with an answer because, frankly, I think it’s the wrong question.
The idea that any external situation, possession, relationship, etc can make us happy is kind of like the idea that something can “make” us feel guilty or angry. The happiness or guilt or anger comes from within; people and events in our life can act as a cataylst for bringing those feelings out, but can they really force us to feel them? Expecting kids to make us happy seems like a pretty unfair burden to put on them, doesn’t it?
Still, whether or not kids “make” us happy, there’s still that pesky question to deal with: are moms happy, or aren’t they? After all, the research clearly shows that women don’t particularly enjoy any of the tasks that go along with motherhood. So how can we claim to love motherhood itself?
Lucky for me, I don’t have to articulate it myself. Gretchen Rubin’s book The Happiness Project has done it for me. In her April chapter (befittingly, “parenting” is the theme of the month) she describes her theory of “fog happiness”:
“Fog is elusive. Fog surrounds you and transforms the atmosphere, but when you try to examine it, it vanishes. Fog happiness is the kind of happiness you get from activities that, closely examined, don’t really seem to bring much happiness at all-yet somehow they do.”
She goes on to describe other activities that fall under the same header-activities like planning a party or writing, and the variety of negative emotions she might feel at any given time while engaged in those activities. Boredom. Frustration. Annoyance. Nervousness. I can relate.
“And so it is with raising children. At any one time, the negative may swamp the positive, and I might wish I were doing something else. Nevertheless, the experience of having children gives me tremendous fog happiness.”
This is such a genius way of defining something that’s been so hard for me to put into words. Motherhood is more than the apparent sum of its parts. Dissect it into mere tasks, and it seems dreadful indeed. Maybe the lesson is not to do that. If I did the same to any activity it would also sound dreadful. Take writing. Let’s say I tried to break it into mere mechanics: I sit at my computer. I open a document. I outline a story. I research. I type. I type some more. I delete a lot. I wrestle with words. I finally turn something in. It comes back to me riddled with red ink. I fix what needs fixing. Sometimes that works. Sometimes I have to go another round. I invoice and wait for payment. Doesn’t sound much fun, does it? But taking writing apart like a clock or a computer and examining the parts just doesn’t work. It doesn’t capture the thrill of being able to express myself with just the right carefully-chosen phrase or anecdote, the pleasure of describing things I’ve experienced, the fun of recounting (or creating) dialogue, the joy of having written, and knowing I’ve written well. It’s the same thing with the kind of happiness that comes with motherhood. Say what you will, researchers, but it’s not something that can be studied with a simple survey.
Do you believe Gretchen Rubin’s theory of “fog happiness”? Does it apply to any area of your life, mothering or otherwise?
(Speaking of Gretchen Rubin, she’ll be making an appearance at The Happiest Mom soon in the form of a Q&A. Please keep an eye out. She’s very wise, and you won’t want to miss what she has to say!)
Of course, you are right meagan, it IS the wrong question…sometimes having kids is fabulous- you wonder what you ever did before they around. Sometimes it aint so hot. If we left our overall “happiness” up to the our kids on any given day, we’d be in huge trouble!
Mostly, they are simply other little “people” whom we always love to death, but occasionally feel like we’d like to flush down the toilet. I read the comments on the Newsweek article you linked to and I was amazed at the way people identified with themselves as child-free or child-ed, and defended their happiness accordingly. Somebody’s gotta have the kids in this world and thank goodness, not everyone wants them. Either way, we can all find many many ways to be both happy AND miserable when we want to be.
I would answer a survey differently on any given day of the week. And fog happiness is good enough for me.
I can definitely relate to the fog when it comes to writing, but with writing and with parenting, I have this feeling, like an actual emotion, that I could not live without either. And so I do it because I have to, and I have to because I love to. Happiness is one of those terms that is usually relative to something else. I would be happy without kids or happy with kids, but after my daughter was born, life has been MORE of everything…happiness, substance, everything.
Great post! My SIL recently asked me (when my kids were acting, well, not so sweet!)what was good about having kids, and why I had wanted them. Hmmm, I have to admit, I was kinda stumped! I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE my children, and I had ALWAYS wanted children. I worked with children for many years before having my own. But how could I answer the question, when obviously kids are a ton of work, and not always fun?
She is one who has never really cared about having children herself, and that’s fine. I tried to express how my children are so much a part of me, the joy they bring, even though they are sometimes just plain hard to be around. But I don’t think that I really articulated my feelings very well. I need to send her your post. The “fog happiness” idea makes sense to me!
It is so like researchers to compartmentalize everything and try to figure it out. I don’t experience happiness as something that can be dissected or “made”. True happiness for me is more of a state of being that results from a fully lived life, rich relationships, and a practice of keeping an open heart (even, and maybe especially when I am at my wits end as a mama). I love the authentic,raw and simple/miraculous happiness that motherhood has given me a doorway to access-as well as the ways it has challenged me to mature, deepen and grow. Thanks for your great posts! I am with you! Happy Mom, G
This is the first time I’ve heard of ‘fog happiness’, but it makes a LOT of sense to me. I would say that based on what you’ve written, I’m a believer. In fact, all of life can be viewed in that way. The actions I take every day might seem very mundane, and even frequently unpleasant, and yet there is a lot of joy in it all the same. Categorizing it one way or the other isn’t easy, but that doesn’t mean I am unhappy.
I don’t actually have kids yet – expecting my first in less than two months – but the whole concept that kids actively make people less happy has always bugged me, and I’m glad you wrote about it. I’m especially bugged when people compare having kids with another activity, like taking a nap. Parenting is so much more than taking a nap, that it seems absurd to me that anyone could even make this comparison.
Also, when you write about the expectation people have of an external situation making us happy, it reminds me of a quote that my mom, a therapist and all around awesome person, has hanging up on a bulletin board. It’s something to the effect of, “Marriage isn’t supposed to make us happy. It’s supposed to make us married. If we work at it the right way and think about it the right way, we can derive much happiness from marriage.” It seems like the same is true of mother/parenthood.
Perhaps there is happiness in parenting because there is incredible love in parenting. And in the giving of love-through acts as mundane as clearing the table and putting away the laundered clothing-we receive something greater than the satisfaction of chores well done.
I agree absolutely that everyone is responsible for his or her own happiness. No situation or relationship will determine one’s own happiness (although we can all imagine how different scenarios would legitimately make it more or less difficult to be happy). However, I think being a parent puts us in a situations each day where we can be pushed (or push ourselves) to be better people, to grow, to give, to love, and to receive love. I think there is the possibility of immense satisfaction in that.
I think people can be challenged in similar ways too, without children. But having children and parenting consciously forces you to do that every day.
So my answer would be that being a parent gives you so many opportunities to do the things that can bring you happiness-teaching, giving, loving, learning lessons, working to be a better, kinder person. There is so much to be gained from the challenge of parenting-and, of course, from the simple joy of being with delightful little people who adore you.
I don’t think I’ve ever heard parenting described so perfectly.
We were married for 8 years before we had kids. I used to watch other people parent and think, “That looks absolutely dreadful. Less time, less energy, less money, and so MONOTONOUS!”
Now, two kids later, I can definitely testify that those things are true. I do have less energy, less time to myself, and frequently get bored and frustrated. But my happiness and joy are deep. Quite the paradox. I think happiness and joy can be found in lots of ways-one doesn’t have to be a parent to experience it. But one has to e a parent to experience THIS particular brand of happiness and joy.
I think your posts are truly inspired and down yo earth at the same time!
I really wonder why you have so few comments and seondly, God, how much of a saint can oone be to have so many children!
Love your writing, I think the same way..
Is it ‘fog happiness’ or can you just call it CONTENTMENT. I feel content very often, even when I’m not happy.
I love the concept of fog happiness – a brilliant explanation – but I have to take issue with the name. For me, “fog” is the word I use to describe part of mothering that makes me very unhappy – the inability to think clearly, whether through tiredness or too many things whizzing round my head. Plus having had a scary experience driving through fog, it doesn’t conjure up good feelings. I’d prefer to use the word “mist”, I think – a bit more romantic but with the same sense of disappearing when you try to grasp it.
I saw the nice mention of my book, The Happiness Project, here! I very much appreciate those kind words and you shinning a spotlight on my work!! Thanks and best wishes,
Gretchen
I found your blog through Gretchin’s at the Happiness Project. Just wanted to say that I love your blog and this post in particular!
One catch for me about the fog analogy is that there are so many times when happiness is so clear and bright in the fog-free light of day. maybe another way to think of fog is that it settles over the memory of day to day drudgery or mania or whatever. and the happiness memories stay clear and in sharp relief like treetops and mountain peaks. thanks.