not feeling “like a mom” in this photo (taken in Vegas earlier this year).
I’m writing this from a bagel shop in Manhattan, where I’ve been attending the BlogWorld Expo with a client (who also happens to be a good friend) for the last few days. We fly home tonight, and while I’m looking forward to seeing my kids again, I have to admit a few days of freedom, professional inspiration and of course, clean crisp sheets on a hotel bed I get all to myself have been wonderful.
This trip was about work, but it’s been a lot of fun, too. I saw Porgy and Bess – which I’ve wanted to see performed live since I was about 10 – on Broadway (it was wonderful.)
I met up with a friend of mine from high school, who is now a chef and has turned out to be such a great guy that I’ll forgive him for serving as a physical reminder that we’d gotten a lot older since I saw him last.
I had happy hour at a seafood restaurant that looks like the inside of a cruise ship with a couple of editors-turned-pals from Babble.
I even wore heels. (And may or may not have fallen down inside a revolving door, but what happens in NYC…)
When I was a newer mother I rarely set aside time to cut loose and act like a non-mom. I guess maybe I felt like, since I had children, I had to keep my “mom” hat on at all times and not tarnish my motherly self-image by dancing to loud music in a club or getting into silly debates with friends over drinks. But even though I know some of the best parts of me have been improved, enhanced…even created by motherhood…at some point I remembered that even though I am a mother, I am still me.
And I really need to connect with those parts of myself that aren’t all about Being A Mom from time to time. You know, things like wearing heels and dresses that don’t have peanut-butter smears down the front. Laughing hysterically at a definitely-not-kid-friendly movie. Hitting a dance floor. Laughing hysterically for no reason in particular.
Either way, I need it. I’m a happier, more relaxed mom – and just feel more like myself – when I regularly set aside time to just…be me. Not “household manager” me, or “keeper of the diapers” me, or “please eat with your fork” me, but the me I’ve always been.
So I want to know: How do you stay in touch with your not-mom self?
I am still trying to figure this out (I have a 5yo and almost 4yo). My hubby is great about giving me time to take for myself…but sometimes I’m just not sure what to do. I have a blog right now (it’s a little of this, a little of that, and I normally don’t post every day)…but am dreaming of having the time/energy to create a cooking/baking blog because I love being in the kitchen so much-and I had a love of photography that I know is still there waiting to be rediscovered-and I love to write. Someday I WILL make it happen
Looking forward to reading what others do…
My kids are older (middle school) so it’s gotten so much easier! But I find my “non-mom” self through triathlon training and club. Being with a group of people who see me as “an athlete” rather than “a mom” makes for much richer conversations and experiences for me as an individual.
I was going to say I don’t have time for the pre-mom me, but actually, I do. I stamp to get in touch with that person. There are parts of me that I’ve just resigned to put on the shelf until my kids are older and I have more mental space and the ability to separate for longer periods (right now an overnight away by myself would be too much for my husband to manage alone); nevermind a three week jaunt to do Habitat work in Central Asia as I used to.
But stamping does give me a good outlet, and I’ve got another novel percolating in my brain; I’m just waiting for the central character to tell me more about himself so I can get on with it.
I wonder if this isn’t easier (and I hesitate to use that word) for those of us who have jobs outside the home. I have long stretches of my day that have nothing to do with being a mom. Now, I’m not sure they have a lot to do with _me_, either, but that’s a different question.
A lot of the things you’re describing-going to nice restaurants, seeing plays, etc-are not things I do regularly any more, either. But there definitely are lots of times every day when no one around me cares at all that I’m a mom.
I was thinking the same thing.
In addition, just finding the time to do me things (work out, read a book, go on a date with the hubby or spending time with friends). In addition to working and not losing my “me-identity” in that sense, my spouse is a stay-home hubby so it is pretty easy to just get away (& know kids are just fine). A night or two away from it all is always very refreshing, and his mom LOVES to take the kids and send us off on vacation together.
I know what you mean – it is “easier”, or maybe just more practical? Because you’re already spending a big chunk of your day with other adults, doing non-parenting-related stuff. However, I think your next point is spot-on: just because what you’re doing isn’t related to parenting, doesn’t mean it is really fulfilling to you. I guess a lot of that depends on your job, how you feel about your job, and how you spend your time when you’re not at work.
How it is that you always know what I need to read?
This is definitely an area in which I could improve. I’m not the best about making time for myself because I feel like I shouldn’t take time for myself unless all the work is done. When I do take time, I read and learn the computer programming language Python.
Good question! I have a one year old…this last year has been a blur. I feel like I wouldn’t know the old me if she came up and whacked me upside the head! I have had lots of Additional changes too, though, in the last few years-marriage, moving, job changes-As life is slowing and im finding a rythym as a mom, I’m starting to do things like work out, blog more, read more… learning who “me” is all the time!
Yoga. Knitting. Blogging. Tea with a girlfriend most Monday nights. Although I do find the few times my husband and I have managed to get away overnight without the kids have been the most replenishing. In general I don’t feel like I am the same person I was before having kids. I am constantly evolving, and trying to find new ways to honor the person I am now and the person I would like to become.
Totally agree Jen – I’m not the same person that I was before kids, and I wouldn’t want to be. BUT, there are some very essential parts of myself that can sometimes get lost or overshadowed in the day-to-day grind if I’m not careful to set them free from time to time, you know?
I guess I sew and bake, although I generally bake and sew for my family-we do sometimes cook interesting things the toddler can’t or won’t eat, like Pad Thai with fresh peanuts that are probably a choking hazard. I don’t think there is really anything exciting that we used to do but don’t anymore except maybe going to movies like once a year. We never ate out at fancy restaurants or went to plays or dressed up fancy really in our pre-baby days. I’m kind of a board games and Disney channel in my PJ pants kind of gal and always has been-now I just feel like I have a better excuse for it, lol.
“always has been”? yikes. Guess I shouldn’t type while eating breakfast. I always HAVE been that time of gal. I have not always been such a careless writer.
You know, it’s funny – I never did that stuff in my pre-baby days, either, mostly because I was still underage when I had kids and never had any money! So I wouldn’t say that clubbing or traveling or wearing heels are necessarily vital parts of myself that I left behind after I became a mom. However, what I have found is that as I’ve moved into different phases of my life, I’ve become interested in trying new things (maybe the things I see other women my age doing?) and have sometimes had to work hard to give myself “permission” to try them out. I still wouldn’t say I’m a get-dressed-up-and-go-clubbing kind of girl, but every now and then it is fun to do something totally different from my usual life. Maybe that’s the essential side of myself I’m tapping into: my sense of adventure. That, and I’ve always loved to dance. Though I think after the revolving door incident I might go back to flats in the future
I agree with Tragic Sandwich that it may be easier in some ways for those of us who work out of the home or, like me, work at home but have children out at school for a fair proportion of the day. Work may not be me-time in the accepted sense but it’s certainly a way of reconnecting with the way things were pre-child.
I have to agree with the others about being a work outside the home mom. I work in the same full time job I did before kids. It’s also in a male dominated field (engineering) so it’s very much “not-mom” time. In fact, when I meet people at work who I don’t know already, or some of our customers, they are shocked when they find out I’m a mom of four young kids. While my work life has changed a little bit since becoming a mom — I work less hours, choose less stressful projects, and am no longer interested in climbing the ladder — it’s still pretty much the same overall “me”.
As for the fun and exciting time…. I can relate to Crunchy Con Mommy in that I never really was a dress up and go out kind of girl before kids. I don’t enjoy going out to bars and nightclubs, have never worn heels in my life, and was never one to have a big crowd of friends. I usually have one or two close friends that I enjoy going shopping, to movies, or time at home talking and playing card/board games. For the most part, I’ve been able to maintain that kind of fun time as a mom.
I’m similar to you in that I have a small, close-knit group of friends and like it that way. One thing I love about blogging is that it’s widened my circle of “friendlies” immensely – so I can have that experience of getting to know lots of different people, but don’t have to juggle a large group of IRL friends in my day-to-day life. I think that would stress me out (thinking back to high school when I was part of a huge “pack” of girls but really had a hard time managing all the drama that tends to go with big groups.)
One of the brilliant things my husband did when I first had my older son was to give me Tuesday night “off.” Between working outside the home and adapting to my new child, I gave up myself for the first 6 months of his life, and Tuesday night was my time to be me without worrying about relieving the babysitter or making bottles or changing diapers. I used that time for reading in cafes, meeting friends for dinner, getting pedicures, calling my mom, working late (ugh!), and generally doing what I did before my son entered my life. It was great and reminded me that I was (and am!) allowed to still be me even though I gained a new name through the birthing process. I highly recommend it-especially for new moms. (P.S. As brilliant as my husband is, when the second child arrived, he looked at me and said, “That Tuesday night deal? Yeah, that’s not gonna work anymore.” Ha!)
I love that, Christine! Don’t worry, I bet you’ll get your Tuesday night back at some point
It gets so much easier to stay in touch with your non-mom side when your kids get older. Mine are 9, 11, and 13 now, and – even when they are home in the summertime – there are things I can do each day that have nothing to do with motherhood…I can run and work out at the gym, go on dates with my husband, even squeeze in a chapter in my novel. When the kids were little, though, I have to admit that a lot of time went by between these kind of things. I sure love the ages they are now! Don’t let people tell you it doesn’t get easier when your kids outgrow baby and toddlerhood – because it does!
Susanna, I’ve totally found it has gotten easier as my bigger kids have gotten older (my oldest is 14), even though I still have small children too. I think part of it is just learning over the years that I don’t have to be EVERYTHING AT ALL TIMES to my children…that a few hours away is good for me and can be good for them, too. And when there are siblings around, they seem to absorb some of that need for Mom time.
I have 8 kids, from 24 to 8, homeschool(ed) them and have no budget for getting away or going out, so this has been a near impossibility for me. I think that’s why I often got into the bad habit of staying up late, enjoying the quiet and time to think! I participate on the Gardenweb Kitchen Forum, where I get to use my kitchen layout skills and ‘talk’ to adults who might appreciate my input. Recently a friend and I try to go to lunch once a month. It’s not much, and not too consistent, but it’s my start.
I’m constantly working on this! I want my girls to see me as a good example of living out my own dreams and not taking life so seriously all the time.
I had to think about how I would respond to this though. I think that one really good way for me to take off my mom hat sometimes is to not act like a mom is expected. Sometimes I allow myself to be just one of them and goof off and be myself….with my kids. It reminds me that I am my own person and nurtures the kids within