yes, we have two.
I am so excited to announce a new series here at The Happiest Mom: Your Turn Thursdays.
Why?
- Because I believe all moms are experts on raising kids and finding more satisfaction in motherhood
- Because I have amazing readers and commenters and welcome the opportunity to highlight all your wisdom and advice, and
- Okay, because sometimes I need help. No shame in that.
What does this mean for you?I’m going to be posing a question to The Happiest Mom community every Thursday, and opening it up to responses from you. PLEASE go into AS MUCH DETAIL AS YOU WANT in the comments…heck, write a veritable blog post, even a novel there if you want; you guys are smart, I know you have great stuff to share.
Periodically I’ll be collecting some of the best responses for upcoming posts, so if you want me to include your blog address, Twitter handle or any other relevant information should your response be picked, please include those in the comment!
Okay: so here’s my question for this week.
My husband and I have vastly different views on screen time for kids.
As in: he’s purchased almost every screen, game console, and tablet out there. As soon as they come out, preferably.
I would probably have been content with my old used laptop and no TV indefinitely.
But, his career is in tech. He’s curious about new applications and toys, and figures out ways to make them useful in our daily life. I’m more of a “adopt when I gotta (and not a moment before)” type who only accepts new social networks or gadgets when I can see a measurable impact on my life.
That said, I know there have been times that I’ve been overly dismissive of a new app or phone for no good reason except I’m not really that interested. And I’ve downplayed some of the benefits of having our kids engaged with technology because….well, maybe because I’m clinging to a bit of a writerly Luddite self-perception, like the keynoter at a recent writer’s conference who proudly announced that he composes all of his novels on a vintage typewriter. (After I rolled my eyes for a while, I realized I could easily BE that guy in 20 years when I refuse to blast a hologram of myself into a business meeting, so I stopped.)
Which would be silly, right? After all, I’ve been online since 1995 and the internet has been a part of my daily life since 1997, when I had my first baby and realized…holy oh no, I need to find some other moms. And find them I did, via forums and ICQ groups and later, blogs.
Since that day, whether I want to admit it or not? Screens, and technology and gadgets and applications have been a major part of my life.
So I guess I’m having a hard time figuring out how to make them fit in my kids’ lives, and how to balance my knee-jerk “go outside and play, whydontcha!?!?!” bellowing with the fact that my husband likes to buy the kids the newest video game the moment it comes out and plays something with them called League of Legends which just sounds like a bunch of hokey crap to me, but what do I know…to be honest, I haven’t given it a real chance because I’m too busy rolling my eyes.
My question to you, readers: if you also have a techy partner, how do you balance your desire for your kids to have a natural, simple childhood with your significant other’s equally-valid argument that, hey, this IS the world we live in, and maybe our definition of “natural” and “simple” needs to shift a bit?
This kind of stuff has the potential to greatly affect the way we experience motherhood. I know that I want to feel like my values and opinions are reflected in the way my children grow up and when I feel like those things are out of balance, I wonder if I’m doing my job well enough. But, well…it’s possible I’m not always right. Or that I’m even, sometimes, a tiny bit hypocritical. (shhhh!) And that the world has simply changed since I was a child; not necessarily for the worse, just for the different.
So? Your turn. How do you deal with the issue of screen time, video games and children…especially if your spouse or partner has a different outlook on the topic than you do?
Mr. Sandwich and I talk about this topic pretty frequently. I think our views are similar, in that we want Baguette to discover and enjoy the whole world beyond a screen–but we also want her to fit in with her peers and have the skills that will help her as an adult.
He grew up without a TV, and I grew up watching a lot of TV–but doing a lot of other things as well.
We don’t want to be buying her the latest gadgets (we don’t buy them for ourselves), but we do want her to have similar experiences to her peers.
I think this balance is going to shift a lot, and require us to keep having this conversation.
I’m an occupational therapist and this biases me toward physical activity. Yet I have great reverence for technology and how it’s helped many people with disabilities. The iPad has revolutionalized the way people with verbal challenges can communicate with the rest of the world! Yet, I also see the detriment of too little activity and sitting around playing with technology.
I think the key is balance. Just like eating a balanced meal, we should aim to balance our physical and technological time. Children (and adults) benefit from daily intense physical exercise. This exercise keeps us physically healthy and also helps regulate our sleep. It also keeps our weight in check and stabilizes our mood.
With my son, who is 13 months old, we have video time, iPad time, play time, walk time, and work time. He is a techie already and would probably stay on the iPad forever, but he knows that his time is limited and will not tantrum when it’s time to stop. Generally, I’m more flexible when he’s sick or the weather is too wet to go outside.
I notice that parents who play physical games with their children find it easier to include exercise in the family routine. Children who grow up active tend to stay active. It’s such a gift to our young ones.
Another positive to playing with more traditional toys is an active imagination and an ability to problem solve. Many children are relying on technology or things that have already been tried versus, trying things in a creative new way. Children’s brains are still developing, but the brain will only expand based on need. If a child is constantly using his brain to be creative, the brain is forced to expand. Otherwise, the brain efficiently shuts those areas down. Who will be our inventors and leaders of the next generation, if they only repeat what others have done?
In the end, technology is here to stay. There are many benefits if we are careful to balance them with other types of entertainment and needs. It also helps to be selective about the type of things we decide to do…pure adrenaline rush games or things with more brain value.
The best thing you can give your children is a happy and peaceful home. I use to argue all the time with my husband about how much TV he watched. I don’t anymore and there is peace. That is so much more important than if they use the latest techno gadget or not. Take the chikdren outside and play a lot but let your husband teach them all the latest techno things. It may greatly benefit them someday.
I make a living off of computers. As in, I need to have the most up-to-date programs and I’m almost always in front of a computer. That said, my toddler has zero time in front of the screen. When he’s awake, we do our best not to jump on our computers or swipe on our phones. He’s only two now, but if he ever asks to watch TV, we’ll likely let him, considering that we’re sitting right next to him to explain and answer his questions.
It’s not that I’m in denial that our world is different. I get that we are in an information age, heavily reliant on technology. However we (as in our human race) have been around much longer than this “age” and have learned so much more through natural ways. We will learn so much more about frogs by touching and observing them than if we read every Wikipedia article about frogs and watch the most amazing slideshows. While Wikipedia and slideshows are great resources when I can’t exactly pick up a frog in my back yard, they still should not be the number one means for education. And even with no frog, a book would still suffice so much more than screens.
Same with fun. Yes, I love me my Bejeweled Blitz and perusing the online world, but nothing beats 3D, actual fun like throwing balls with your toddler and having a nice dinner together.
I read an article in the past that the CEOs of the top technology companies like Google send their kids to Waldorf or Montessori schools specifically for their anti-technology methods. And these are guys who make serious bucks off of technology. Their reason—which I agree with—is that the learning curve for technology really isn’t that difficult. We don’t need to inundate our kids from toddlerhood on how to use a keyboard; they will learn how to use a keyboard pretty quickly and easily. What we need to instill in kids before we even plop them in front of an iPad is their *desire* to learn. I’ve even been turned off by preschools who show off that they have a computer section. I mean c’mon, they’re just toddlers for crying out loud.
There have also been several books I read that cite that the motion on screens such as seen in TVs, movies and apps are too confusing for the brains of a toddler to grasp. They don’t understand how one scene that had a closeup of a character all of a sudden turned into a scene of the valleys and hills. Why would they? We live in a world that isn’t edited like a film, so they don’t get why television and apps look the way they do.
My husband and I agree completely on this stance so I might not be of much help for you. But if your husband is just as adamant about providing screen time then you perhaps can to take his point into consideration and negotiate.
I do agree that kids don’t need to be born with a keyboard in their hands to learn how to navigate technology! I’m actually amazed at how quickly children figure out how to use these gadgets and gizmos.
Hubby and I agreed about no screens until age 2 after our little guy turned into a zombie staring at a TV in a restaurant one day. Most disturbing. Television moved downstairs pronto.
After 2, though, I’ve lost the argument about TV on the main floor, (now we have two, sigh), though I’ve won about no ads…though even PBS and Treehouse have a few & hubby sometimes turns those on. He’s more likely to use TV or an iPod to give himself a break than I am. It’s a problem, because our 3.5 yo now parks himself on the couch asking for TV instead of playing. At least he gets lots of outside time and no technology at his daycare/preschool…and the only computer time he gets is sitting on daddy’s knee exploring YouTube videos of trains and geysers…
My automatic reaction is, like yours, to keep the children away from screens as much as possible. But I also have a techie husband, and I’ve thought a lot about different ways to include technology into our lives in healthy ways. (Full disclosure: I only have one kiddo so far, and he’s only a year old, so we haven’t had to put any of these ideas to serious testing.)
One way that I thought of is through cooperative gaming. There are a lot of games out there, particularly on consoles, that allow for multiple players, sitting in the same room, to play together. This makes the game a social situation. If you limit the amount of time spent playing games, and if the kids are playing with Dad and/or each other, there’s less zombie potential (also less thirty-years-old-and-still-living-in-your-basement potential).
As for television, again, limiting time spent watching and watching as a family are important. I remember watching TV with my mom and my brother, and though it might not have been the best use of our time, we were together and had the chance to discuss anything that came to mind with our mom.
I agree with what others have said, that it’s all about balance. I see no reason to cut out all screen time, so long as kids are also playing outside, being active, and interacting face-to-face with their peers. But I do think that they shouldn’t be spending all day playing video games or watching TV. Parental involvement and limits are the key.
There have been some great posts already, it was great reading them.
Hubby and I agree and disagree. We have a 2.5yr old boy and a new 4wk old bub (another boy).
(firstly my apologies if this post is a little ‘all over the place’ – sleep deprivation!)
TV is definitely a reward in our house and not a ‘given’.
i.e. It doesn’t go on for tantrums or if they’ve had bad behaviour that day.
I often let our little boy watch Play School which gives me a chance to do office work (we work from home) or now, feed bub #2 in relative peace.
I also find that I learn a lot from Play School, such as craft ideas, songs and activities etc.
I quite often find that hubby’s idea of ‘looking after #1 son’ is to turn on the TV and sit down with him (for quite some time). Or start ‘swiping’ on the iPhone.
Hubby loves his ‘big boy games’ on the XBOX, but we do have a rule that he’s not able to play ‘killing’ games when the toddler is around. And if he wants to play something else, such as car racing etc, he has to be willing to let #1 son join in and interact also.
They have had many fun and funny times crashing cars and just enjoying each others company.
It definitely is difficult for us to agree wholly about TV and tech, but I think we’re doing ok. I quite often wish we didn’t have a TV at all… I can imagine it would certainly build creativity and relationships.
[I recently saw some posts by friends on FB who said that they had the TV on all day for their toddlers. I just thought about how much independent play and creative, imagination building time they must be missing out on.]
I too agree with the posts above that technology can be very beneficial if used correctly, and harmful if abused. We want our little ones to find the technology a ‘treat’ and that they’re very blessed to be able to have access to such wonderful inventions.
(I think that hopefully this will help in the tween & teen years too. It helps me to think ahead 5-10 yrs sometimes… “what would I want them to do then?” etc)
So to sum up… I never default to tv and tech. Playing with toys, blocks, drawing, cars, outside time etc will always be our first options with the tech being treats, sick time, rainy days and ‘if all else fails’ backups – especially if we are out somewhere that requires the 2yr old to sit for an extended period of time.
(we recently attended my Grandmothers funeral and after sitting reasonably well and quietly (for a boy) he was allowed to do some colouring-in on the iPhone. It worked perfectly)
A healthy balance is definitely what we try for.
All the best : )
This reminds me of a conversation I had with my therapist during treatment for Post Partum Depression (PDD). I was worrying about the fact that I clearly was not going to be the fun parent. My partner is fun, and what baby or toddler doesn’t love fun? I am more serious. I set the rules, enforce discipline, all of that boring stuff. And I didn’t want to be that parent.
My therapist looked at me and said: “Isn’t your daughter lucky to have one fun parent and one serious parent?”
Blew my mind. In all of my worrying about what was going to be fair for me — I didn’t want to be in charge of rules and bedtimes and healthy dinners — I forgot what was best for our daughter. If she only had me, she wouldn’t have as much fun. If she only had my partner, she wouldn’t have enough rules.
My point is that we each bring something unique to the parenting scene, and our kids really can benefit from that. Sure, it means we bump heads and maybe even yell over these differences from time to time, but that’s life, right?
So, you’re the go-outside-and-play parent and he’s the let’s-play-with-these-new-gadgets parent. Neither is bad, neither is wrong. Finding the balance that works for everyone is hard, but having both is probably pretty wonderful for your kids.
Laura, I love this! What a great bit of insight.
This is a hard one- I’m the same as you and AM making do with a janky laptop and I hardly watch TV (and wish we could cancel it!) but the rest of the fam is into their gadgets. The older kids have iPods and I really have to monitor them using them at bedtime. Jeff would be on his iPhone or iPad all the time, and sometimes is, but it only bothers me if it’s obviously rude (at dinner, with company around.) Otherwise I try to just let it go for now. And thankfully they still go outside and play with Legos and other non-screen things so gadgets aren’t consuming them completely… yet.
Steph
It’s the same situation in our house– husband that grew up playing computer games for hours on end, and me, who believes kids should have very little screen time. Thankfully, my husband has seen for himself how cranky and zombie-like our kids get after too much screen time. So, for now, (kids are 1, 4, 6, and 8), the three bigger kids get a half hour of screen time a week (plus an hour or two on the weekend watching daddy play games), and some play time on Mom’s iPod Touch if we’re waiting somewhere a really, REALLY long time. I may increase the computer time to half hour a day during the summer, because that’s what they usually spend on the computer during their school day, but we’ll have to see how that goes. We don’t have a TV, so that’s a non-issue.
You know the kids who go right to your candy drawer because they have no candy at home? Like my friend, Terese’s daughter Savannah who’s raised on a strict healthy diet and glommed onto my daughters’ Honey Nut Cheerios…
Anything forbidden becomes a great temptation.
Moderation works best. And this shouldn’t become a power struggle between parents.
I set appropriate time limits for screen time with our kids so they also played other games.
And here’s the perfect parenting skill. When you think their time is up, ask them, “Do you want to turn off the computer/TV/X box now or in 5 minutes?” They’ll always say, “5 minutes.” So set an egg timer or your phone and say, “When the alarm rings in 5 minutes, I expect you to turn it off.”
This gives kids a sense of power and control. It works every time!
Diana Bletter, author of the forthcoming memoir, The Mom Who Took Off On Her Motorcycle
http://www.thebestchapter.com
This is just very ironic, as it’s a beautiful day here in Delaware and I’m sitting in the TV room (yeah, that’s what we call it…) on my laptop while my kids run crazy and free around my backyard! I guess I’m the one that needs the rules! :-S HA!
My kids are now 15 and 12. One thing I am glad that we did was not have a game system in our house until they were good readers. We ended up getting a wii before we moved overseasa and our rule is that you have to play it with someone unless you are using an exercise program. My husband likes all the new gadgets and the kids share an iPad. I guess teaching them balance and discipline in all things is good. I think each family has to find what works for them and how it affects their family. I know many of our friends watch less TV but what we do seems to work for us.
I have several thoughts on this. Write an entire blog post, you say? 😉
Sounds almost exactly like our household. I don’t sweat it much because because dh and I are so opposite, we give the kids a well rounded perspective. Time with daddy is going to be more electronic (and creative) based, but I am far more active, on the go, and outside. As we come into spring, and the kids have been holed up inside with their video games most of winter (I have a crazy work schedule through winter), this year I have been impressed how easily they take to the outside. IT is a fight at first. “But I want to play video games!!” But once I get them outside, they will play for hours and forget about all the electronics. I think that is just being a kid. {My kids are 7 and 9}. Just the other day my stubborn youngest didn’t want to go to the park, then I couldn’t get him to LEAVE the park. HA!
You don’t know how many parents I know who make comments about the fact that we even let our kids watch TV or play video games. I am perfectly happy with exposing them to the real world – they need to learn how to manage their time, balance priorities, and navigate the real world. Where we live, electronics is going to be a huge part of their life. I am very happy with teaching them how to use technology in positive ways, while learning how not to get addicted and unbalanced. These will be important skills in our increasingly electronic society.
Finally, this was a much bigger fight for dh and I when we first had kids. I Was pretty anti-TV and did not see why the kids needed to be plopped in front of the TV, at all. Dh won the battle VERY quickly. IT was very quickly apparent that TV watching, in moderation, was beneficial for the kids. Their vocabularies have always been through the roof, and TV watching (in moderation) clearly has a LOT to do with that. As our kids age, the dh has gotten the most mind blowing technology (video games that are VERY creative, and educational games). We have a robot kit for my eldest son (was expensive, but my folks bought it for him). On and on and on. In addition, we do family TV time before bed every night. It’s always been great to wind down the kids for bed (they never had any problem sleeping or bedtime problems) and I appreciate that watching TV as a family is a totally different experience than just watching alone. We usually focus on educational type shows. But not always. These days, since we have a harder time agreeing on a show, it’s “read or TV” time. Often my kids choose to read if they aren’t interested in the show of the night. Often we watch documentaries and have huge philosophical discussions about the content. Maybe modern TV is nice in that regard – we hit the pause a lot and discuss what we are watching.
My kids are both *several* grades ahead of school, and very active. I just cringe every time someone asks me horrified why I let my kids “watch TV” or “play video games.” “Because they probably need to get out more or read more.” Seriously??? Because my kids don’t get outside or read? HA!
P.S. My son attends a public charter school and has the most amazing teacher for several grades. The teach was able to get a grant for iPads for every student this past year. His entire class has test scores off the charts. He was just telling us the other day how the perception from some people not familiar with him or the school is how the iPads are just toys to be abused. I am certain they are “just toys” in many instances. But you watch these kids in this class, and it blows your mind. The thing is, it’s a tool – an extraordinary tool when used right. The teacher has often told us that our child completed x number of math problems this year. Probably in the thousands. & what a fraction of that he would have ever achieved with pencil, paper, and waiting for the teacher to grade every problem.
This is a hard question. We both LOVE technology. But I also hate when our family gets absorbed in it and stops moving.
There is so many good things about technology, it’s just trying to find the right balance. So we don’t have cable, but we do have Roku. We have Kindle’s that the kids can use to read and we use our iphones for listening to audio books during drives. When I’m in a meeting my toddler can sit and play educational games on my iphone that she loves and grows from.
Again, this is hard but it can be done 🙂
We’re just really entering into the screen age with our oldest, who just turned 5. My husband introduced him to the Game Cube, which had just been collecting dust. Anyway, the thing that is bothering me is how engrossed he is – not for his sake, but mine. It drives me up the wall when he does not answer me when I try to speak to him. And part of it is, that it’s the same way with my husband, who has a penchant for games that cannot be paused and cannot be interrupted for any reason.