My every-other-week house cleaner, Lynda, came today. After she left I walked through my clean house, looking slowly around, inhaling the scent and savoring the shine…with the knowledge that, with five kids, it won’t last long.
Then I went into the kitchen to make myself a cup of tea, and found myself staring at a very ordinary object.
My tea kettle. My shiny, shiny tea kettle.
Lynda had polished my tea kettle. And I can’t tell you how much pleasure it brought me, looking at my trusty friend, all bright and clean and ready to keep helping me make two cups per day of English Breakfast, seven days a week, fifty-two weeks of the year.
Would I ever polish my own tea kettle? Probably not.
Is it totally indulgent of me to get this much pleasure out of a shiny kettle? Probably so.
Could I survive, find joy, love my life, without a shiny tea kettle? Of course.
But…so what? That doesn’t mean that indulgences are evil, or that delegating non-essential tasks is shameful, or that we should be afraid to admit we love small luxuries.
Around this time last year a post of mine, in which I admitted to having paid cleaning help twice a month, inspired a surprising amount of debate. And while a lot of the comments centered around the ethical issues of paid help, I was also surprised to see just how many of us who use help – whether it’s child care, lawn work, cleaning help, you name it – feel sheepish, lazy, or spoiled…and just plain reluctant to admit we don’t do everything ourselves.
There’s a subtle and sometimes, not-so-subtle level of one-ups-womanship that often enters into conversations about delegating and asking for help and all the various duties that go along with motherhood. I’m guilty of it myself: feeling defensive when called out for using help while also referring to myself as an at-home mom and homemaker, I wanted it known that my life is very full, that I do a lot, that I work hard. That I need help, darnit.
Some of that need to justify comes from perceived judgment. Some if it stems from actual judgment. You’ve seen it: moms who “have” to work because they would otherwise lose our homes are treated differently from those who admit that they just like their jobs. Moms who “can’t” volunteer in the classroom because of outside commitments or small children at home are seen as less selfish than those who get itchy being around 25 six-year-olds at once, or those who feel their efforts are needed more elsewhere. And it feels slightly more virtuous to say we “have” to hire a house cleaner because we would otherwise become clinically depressed than to just admit we like shiny tea kettles.
So here I am, admitting it: I don’t exactly need help. I’m not saying I can do it all by myself; I can’t, or at least, I really really don’t want to. But there’s an awful lot that Lynda does that doesn’t, strictly speaking, have to be done.
Sure, it helps me get more work done, it makes my day nicer, it gives me a sense of peace to know the house is going to get tidied and shined up and I don’t have to do it myself. I would survive either way – just like I’d survive without deck chairs, cookies, and Storage Wars – but I’m glad that, at least for now, I don’t have to. And you know? I’m tired of feeling like I should apologize for that.
I know I’m incredibly fortunate to even have the luxury of weighing these options. But then, most of us are, by world standards, incredibly fortunate. That doesn’t mean we don’t all have struggles. It also doesn’t mean we have to prove to one another how deserving of help we really are.
From last year’s post:
We all have factors that make our lives more or less difficult, relatively speaking, but they are a complicated and ever-changing set of factors. And they’re irrelevant, really: no matter whether it’s just you and one baby and a regular cleaning service, or you have four kids, two puppies, three birds, a home-based business and no help, I’m going to give you the same advice: to figure out what’s really important to you and your family, prioritize, delegate, break large tasks down into smaller ones, tackle messes right away when you can, use small bits of time to your advantage, and try to keep a positive attitude about it all. Hiring help isn’t a magic bullet–but it’s definitely one tool of many that can help you manage it all.
What if, next time we learned that another mom had hired a mother’s helper, planned a vacation with her spouse, or gotten a new car, we gave an enthusiastic “Good for you!” instead of “Must be nice!” or worse, “I wish I could afford that,” or quietly stewing in jealousy? Everyone would feel better, and chip by chip, we could break down this pressure to play the “who’s got it harder?” game.
Let’s start right now. I’ll go first: I’m really stupid happy about my shiny tea kettle.
I’m also happy about any small or large luxuries you’ve been blessed with, and I hope you’ll share so we can all cheer you on. What indulgence is totally making your life better right now? Whether you’re sipping a glass of wine that cost more than $5.99 for the bottle or just finished booking a big trip, please tell us all about it.
My shiny, shiny tea kettle and I are here cheering you on.
Amen sister!
If I could afford to hire help, I would-but day care eats all our money! That’s okay, though, because it’s excellent day care.
Why do I have Baguette in day care? Because we need both our incomes to maintain our low-frills life with two cars (mine is 10 years old; Mr. Sandwich’s is 25) and a small house in an expensive city.
But honestly, if we won a lottery big enough to mean that I didn’t have to work, I’d keep Baguette in day care. She has friends there. They do wonderful craft projects. I have time to get other things done.
I just wouldn’t send her for so many hours a day.
There are three categories of tasks: things we do, things we outsource, and things that don’t get done. The “right” combination is going to vary from family to family. I’m glad you’re finding yours!
It’s funny – though I mostly use my limited child-care time to write/work, every now and then I’ll go browse a bookstore, run errands alone, or even – shhh – watch TV while my kids are out of the house. I pay for it later and have to work late at night or early in the morning, but there is a huge psychic boost in having some space and quiet to just DO YOUR THING.
This seems small, but we don’t have much to spare, so my indulgence is getting good Greek yogurt every week. I could get plain old yogurt for much cheaper but I like my Fage!
Proof that everybody has different things they’ll spend money on. I’m always looking longingly at the Fage but usually pass it up unless there’s a killer deal or I happen to have a coupon! But good for you for getting some good yogurt, mama.
Yes, which is exactly the point! We all get to decide what expenditures make us happy and spend accordingly. I would rather have books than a trendy wardrobe, for instance. Books bring me pleasure.
Reading through the comments on your earlier post, it confounds me that anyone would have anything snarky to say about your outsourcing some cleaning. It looks like a win/win to me. *CoughCough* Issues *CoughCough** ?
Greek yogurt is arguably more nutritional bang for the buck than regular yogurt, and sometimes you can get a really good deal combining coupons with sales (or buying the store brand of greek yogurt). So don’t feel guilty!
we have lawn people & a cleaning service 2x a month.. it is absolutely worth the money to have the TIME! i used to feel guilty but my son will only be little once and i would much rather spend the time with him!
If I didn’t have teenagers, I’d totally hire somebody to mow the lawn. It grows SO fast, and since I can’t really mow with my three-year-old around, it’s only too easy to let it slide one day and then find that your yard has six-inch grass and weeds in it.
A nice post! Shiny kettles are happy things. We just hired gardeners for a long overdue cleanup of our yard, including tasks my husband has been promising to do for nearly two years. I nearly cried, I was so happy. My husband doesn’t know anything about housework or yard care, and I’ve slammed my forehead into that wall over and over again trying to teach him. But he’s so very good at many other things that make our family life happy, and I wanted to stop the tug of war. So we have paid help to tidy up inside and outside our home. I let go of the fantasy of doing it all, and every so often we revisit our spending, our happiness, our parenting approach, and our goals to see if we need to shift priorities. I work more than I might otherwise to pay these helpers, but I genuinely like them and make an effort to show them our gratitude. I’m at peace with it. And I’m learning from their expertise — if and when I have more time for domestic tasks or reduced ability to pay for help, I’ll be better at those jobs.
I’m thinking we may need to do this for a few odd jobs that have been left undone far too long. My husband is a busy guy, and is also a perfectionist, so he moves realllly slowly on home-improvement jobs. I would rather not let resentment and irritation continue brew because WE STILL DON’T HAVE BASEBOARDS IN OUR DINING ROOM TWO YEARS AFTER WE RIPPED OUT THE OLD ONES!!!! Ahem – I mean, it would be nice to have that done
When my two kids were babies I was a stay at home mom who would once a week hang out with my kids in a corner of my house while 2 housekeepers came in and did to my house in 2 hours what I simply couldn’t accomplish in an entire week. And I never felt guilty about it. And I kept them coming long after my kids were no longer babies. When we moved to a different house years later I found that I was able to keep this smaller house clean without help. So I do. Life is about seasons. I find that certain “luxuries” help at different times.
Today I’d say my luxury is actually staying home and “keeping it” myself. Now that the kids are older I find that I enjoy housekeeping, cooking, all the things that I used to find completely overwhelming when they were young.
The indulgence I am most loving is having joined a local triathlon team and getting coached swim practices. After 36 years I am finally a good swimmer~!
Love this! You know, in the “housekeeper debate” a few people said something to the effect of – well, if YOU have better things to do than clean, why wouldn’t you assume the housekeepers do too?” The funny thing is, though, it’s not that I have BETTER things to do; it’s that life with little kids is full and I just have OTHER things to do. I actually really enjoy housework and look forward to a time in my life when I can putter more. And strangely, I really love cleaning other people’s houses.
Those comments are completely ridiculous, housekeepers need people to have “indulgences” so that they can earn money. They are glad we have them, it allows them to support themselves and their families (I have two friends who clean houses, one of them does it only temporarily, the other enjoys it and plans to do it for the long haul) they both chose to do this work because of the flexible schedule, amoung other reasons, so no need to feel guilty (as long as the pay fair) enjoy it and be proud that you are helping the economy!
Yippee for shiney teapots!
And I’m enjoying my favorite indulgence right now. I spend extra money for the fastest internet connection in the area. Yes, I could live without this speed. But it makes me happy.
Love it! Super-fast internet is one of those little things that definitely makes me happy.
I love shiny kettles! I have had twice a month cleaning help since just before my four year old was born, and at times I have struggled with it, but I’ve mostly made my peace with it after three kids in four years. We live in a row home with three floors, tons of stairs, and it just isn’t feasible for me to keep up with it myself and expect my children to leave me alone long enough to get any real cleaning done. That said, I still do all the wash, change sheets, wipe tables, clean under the table after meals, wipe counters, wash dishes, cook, etc. I also have part time child care because we have no family in the area and my husband travels a lot and is very busy when he is home. He basically works from home every evening and many weekends (in addition to the day time hours) and here’s me holding the bag. So yes, I need breathing space from the kids, and I need the extra help to manage three children’s schedules. I had hoped to get our sitter’s hours down to something reasonable this year, but I have two chronically ill children (plus some health issues myself) and I’ve had to use her a lot more this fall and spring just to manage all the doctor’s appointments! Thankfully that seems to be settling down, but I completely get the struggle to feel like it is a worthwhile expenditure. Yes, we can afford it, and yes, it is very helpful to me as a parent, but I keep coming back to a (probably unrealistic) comparison of how my mother did it all and I just feel I don’t measure up.
It’s funny you posted this today, because I mentioned to my mom today that we are planning to send our middle child to full day preschool starting in November when he’ll be 2.5. He’ll be at the same school as my four-year-old, and we’ve been thrilled with it. My mom made a kind of derisive noise and said, “Well, why don’t you just put him in daycare, then?” Suddenly my world crashed and I started questioning all the reasons we thought it was a good idea for our middle son. I’m still reconsidering, especially since sending him to preschool all day wouldn’t obviate my need for some extra childcare on top of all that. (Because the baby, who will be a toddler by then, will still be at home with me).
I keep thinking, what do I really need to spend all my time on? Yes, I have a part time hobby/business, but it is really just for fun and a needed creative outlet for me, and yes, I’m a part time writer/blogger, but again, this isn’t a job in the sense that I get paid to do it, or have someone to answer to about it. I do it because I want to, and because it makes me feel better about myself, and because it gives me that needed outlet. Because otherwise I don’t know who I am! Just the chief cook and bottle washer, and that is hard for this overeducated person to get a handle on.
I also remind myself that these are the trench years, and that my need for childcare will lessen as our children get older (although we are still having children, so this may be some time off yet), and also as my children get older, they can help out more with the household chores, and then my need for cleaning help will lessen. But maybe not. I don’t know what my family will look like in five, or ten years. Given the issues we face today, it might be very different from what I envisioned when we started having a family.
But all of that is to say, yes, I have help, no, it doesn’t feel like enough, and yes, I feel terribly conflicted about all of it.
You are so right that you’re in the “trench” years, Juliana – and you’re right that in some ways it gets easier and you get more breathing space as they get older. The thing about decisions like these is that you can always change things up later. Maybe you’ll decide it would make more sense to have both little kids out of the house for a chunk of the day at the same time; or maybe you’ll find that you really cherish the alone time with your baby while the olders are at school, or maybe you’ll realize that half-day preschool would work just as well as full, or maybe you’ll find that you feel so much more energized by the “break” that you’re a better, happier mom the rest of the time…my point is you won’t know until you try, and you can always make changes later.
My husband I I just got back from 2 days in at suite at the Wynn in Vegas. Was it indulgent? Yes! Was it wonderful? Yes! Were our kids happy to see us upon return? Yes.
More importantly, we were happy to see them.
We spent substantially less than we could have, but also less than we could afford. It was fantastic and we’re already planning our return. We work our tails off and it’s nice to feel the benefits sometimes.
Yay Vegas! We were there in January and I was amazed at how much fun I had. Also, the Wynn buffet was awesome!
I’ve been struggling with this recently- my son is 7 months old and SUPER clingy, I work a (very) few hours a week (and yes, it’s because I like it, not for the few extra dollars!) and I am trying to finish up my BA by taking 9 credits online. We have no outside help, and my baby is so clingy that I really hesitate to try and find someone to watch him. I would love to hire cleaning help, but every time I think about it, I freak out because I worry that the cleaning company would judge me- a mostly stay-at-home mom who doesn’t have it together enough to keep up with cleaning.
Laura, I’ve felt the same way when we’ve hired help! I’ve always found the house cleaners we’ve hired to be very understanding that it’s not easy to clean with a clingy infant around. But even if they are silently judging you, who cares?
Laura, my daughter was also painfully clingy, and we had a house cleaner at that time as I just couldn’t do it with her strapped to me (or, more likely, nursing!) all the time. One thing to consider though – maybe the house cleaner would be silently thankful that your child’s refusal to be put down + your refusal to use cleaning products with a child strapped to you = employment for her?
I am a stay at home mom of a 2.5 year old and a 1 year old. Every Sunday afternoon, for 2 hours, I go to a coffee shop, drink a jazzed up chocolatey coffee creation, and read books for fun. Could I make a good cup of coffee at home, for a lot less money? Yes, and I do, 6 days a week. Could I just read during naptime, sitting on the couch? Yes, and I occasionally do. But it’s that break from being responsible for little ones that gives me the patience to get through some of the trying times during the week. It’s different than being in the other room. And it’s totally worth it to me.
Katherine, that sounds amazing. Who looks after your children? If it is your husband, then you are one lucky lady. I had three children under three, so I have been in your position of a 2.5 yr old and a 1 yr old (although I would have been pregnant at the time), and I feel if I had just been able to have a regular (and guilt-free) break, like the one you are describing, then life would be just about perfect. It would have given me the energy to get through it all with a smile, rather than feeling like it never ends. My eldest is 5 now and has started school, so things are slowly starting to ease up, but I still have two little ones at home with me 24/7, and I would still LOVE a regular breather.
All these people are feeling lucky to have holidays and help, but I think you are the luckiest for having time to yourself.
Time to yourself is definitely a luxury when you’ve got little ones! Crinkled, are you married/partnered? Would it be possible for you to ask for a semi-regular break like Katherine’s describing? Or possibly use a Mother’s Day Out program or swap child care with a friend a few hours a week? That breathing space is SO important, especially when you’ve got several little kids at once.
Yes, I am married, but my husband is not that great at handling babies by himself, especially screaming babies that need their dirty nappy changed (which is bound to happen). Once they reach about 2 years old, he is fine, but he doesn’t really have the patience to deal with them when they are younger.
Now that my youngest is two, I take any opportunity to get out of the house without the kids, whether it’s to do the grocery shopping or whatever else, but if I am out for more than about half an hour I am worrying if the kids are playing up or not, because I would prefer not to come home to a place where everyone is stressed out and I end up feeling guilty for not being there to keep it under control.
Most of the time, if one of us is leaving the house we take one child with us and that is much easier to handle, because that one alone normally behaves, or at least is much easier to handle than three, and the two at home normally play much better together than three do.
I’m sure life would be much easier if we just didn’t have them so close together, but we did and I don’t want to wish it undone, so we just have to deal with this difficult stage.
As far as swapping children with a friend, I have not reached a point where I feel comfortable with this yet. I am happy to take care of other people’s children, but I don’t let my children at their friends’ places alone yet. Maybe when they are older.
Currently I only trust my mum and my sister to care for our kids, and my mum works full time and my sister lives in a different state, so it is a rare occasion that we have someone watch the kids for us.
I don’t think there’s any such thing as the “easiest” way to space kids. Either you get the hard work all at once or you drag it out over years
Either way you’re right that it will get easier as they get bigger!
Yes, it is my husband. Right now both kids take a nap at the same time in the afternoon (only nap for the older one), so I leave right at the start of that, and they’re usually sleeping for a good chunk of the time I’m gone. And usually when I get home, they both need diaper changes. My husband doesn’t completely understand why I need my “mommy time”, but we’ve agreed that it will happen anyway. I’ve tried explaining it to him, but since he’s away at work almost every day, he doesn’t quite get that I just need time that I’m not responsible for the kids.
Even if they’re crying when I get home, I can better handle that and other trying times throughout the week because I’ve had my break. Maybe give it a try during a nap sometime and see what happens?
That sounds like a nice idea. My kids didn’t always nap at the same time and gave up their nap times quite early on. None of them nap now unless they have had a super exhausting day (and rarely even then).
It’s all getting easier, though. Now that there are no babies (my youngest is 2 and a half years old) they don’t need my attention so much and I can squeeze in some kinda-me-time, where I get to do things I want, just with a lot of interruptions
I couldn’t agree more about the importance of treating yourself well. My current “shiny kettle” is weekly salon blowouts. I traded my daily Starbucks habit for this (same $$ amount weekly) and cannot believe how much I loooove it. It sounds ridiculous but I truly feel so much better about myself when it’s a “good hair day” — so it’s money well spent.
Christina, when my hair was long, I hated so much that I could never get it to look straight and shiny and tidy like the salon could. If I ever grow my hair out again, I’ll definitely consider getting regular blowouts! It’s no small thing to feel good about your hair.
Love this post! I am a part-time working, mostly stay at home mom. I work on Mondays and Fridays teaching Spanish to K-8th graders at a private, Lutheran school. I’m home the rest of the time with my 2 1/2 year old and 11 month old. My toddler goes to preschool where I teach but she goes on Mondays and Wednesdays so I take her on Wednesdays and stay there and do all my planning and stuff. Hubby stays home with the baby because it’s his day off. On Thursdays, I send my toddler across the street to my neighbor for the day. She’s cheap and it gives me a day with just one child where I’m able to get just about all the laundry done (usually 5-7 loads) and some other cleaning. I felt guilty about it at first because working part-time was for me to have more time with my girls than I did when I worked full-time. But I realized that I needed a day where I could get more done and my daughter loves the day care.
We also pay for lawn care. Again, a super cheap deal and it’s a guy two streets over that does it. He usually comes every 3 weeks in the winter and every 2 weeks or 10 days in the spring and summer. I simply cannot mow and my husband doesn’t want to do it on his one day off. It’s something we feel is worth the $25 a pop for front and back yard plus edging and blowing. Can’t really beat that!
I say get whatever help you feel like you need in order to keep your sanity! Once my girls are older, I might feel like I don’t need to send one to day care for a day and that I can mow the lawn myself. But for now, these are the things we need to get by. I would also love to hire a cleaning lady. There are things that aren’t ever getting done that need to get done. I’m hoping that once we pay a couple of more debts off, we can splurge a little each month and hire someone to do the cleaning (this might require giving up one of our other services which would be OK I think!).
I should proof read this comment but I’m not going to. I’m lazy and on the verge of falling asleep. I hope it makes sense!
While reading your post something else occurred to me Stephanie – I used to shy away from any kind of “help” (whether it was child care or household help) on principle, because I believed I should be able to do everything and that it was my duty even. But once I started asking for and accepting help, it became almost addictive! Not because I’ve gotten lazier – I still work hard all week long. But because I realized how much better I felt when I allowed people to take things off my plate, and how much freer/more energized I felt in general and just more able to deal with all the little stresses of motherhood.
I also like all the examples of community members helping each other out in your comment. Your toddler doesn’t see the neighbor’s house as “day care”, she sees it as a playdate with a loving member of her extended village. Your neighbor who mows your lawn is becoming part of your extended support system, too, and you hvae the opportunity to become a part of his. We are none of us meant to do all this alone.
Three words….You go, girl!
And just because I am a curious sort, I went back and read most of the comments on that original post…WOW!
I guess my indulgence is shopping regularly at Trader Joe’s. And the occasional Starbucks stop:)
Yeah, “wow” was my reaction too, Mindy
If I had a Trader Joe’s nearby I would be there all the time!
Love this post! As for indulgences, I have three.
My blog. I don’t do it for any money, I do it because I love composing my thoughts/passions/interests on a space that’s all my own. I love how I’m constantly coming up with new themes and fun tips all while connecting with others. Others’ blogs have also been a great source of inspiration for me.
Bad reality t.v. late at night or while folding laundry. I think people would be surprised at the stuff I DVR, but I can’t help it. It’s addicting and mindless and I love it.
Ritter Sport chocolate. I keep the mini ones in my purse and always a larger bar in my closet. They’re more expensive than say a Snickers, but like your shinny tea pot…a little luxury goes a long way!
I always save folding laundry for when I watch t.v. That way I don’t feel I am just wasting time watching t.v. when I should be getting some work done.
The other night my teen niece was watching a reality show about drag queens, and I came in and watched the WHOLE thing. It was ultimate brain candy! I used to watch all the VH1 celebrity reality shows that were on in the early 2000s – the Surreal Life, the one with Flava Flav…sometimes you just need mindless entertainment!
We used to do the housecleaning and lawn service but we cut it a few years ago. And…. I no longer want to do those services again. Now, I would rather do them myself.
But. I still have my Shiny Tea Kettles. It is in the form of book purchases for my Kindle…… a fancy, expensive handbag once a year ( I group it with my birthday and Mother’s Day to justify it)…… and BlogHer each year (except for 2007, when I gave birth, I have gone every single year since the beginning in 2005). My tiny blog is non-profit and I simply cannot justify the cost of going to BlogHer each year other than what it does for my mental health.
We all have our Shiny Tea Kettles, Meagan.
Kelli, I have been downloading pretty much ONLY free or .99 cent books on my Kindle since I got it, and I have officially exhausted the Kindle collection of classic literature. Plus, I’d like to be reading what other people are reading for a change. Think I’ll invest in a “shiny kettle” bestseller or two
I think of our house cleaners as part of our family’s success team. I take the baby out for 2 hours while our house cleaner comes and gets all the work done without a baby under foot.
The other members of our success team include: the massage therapist, the talk therapist, the librarian and the school calendar (my husband is a teacher).
I’m all for the “good for you” instead of the “it must be nice” – because yes, it IS nice.
Oh man, I haven’t had a massage in years…but I like the idea of making one part of the family’s “success team”. What a great term! And good for you for looking out for all the different areas of your health and wellness.
Right now I am stupid happy my wonderful husband put my 2 boys to bed and afforded me the incredible luxury of a girls-night-out with some of my favorite people in the world. Also, thanks to the good people of Medela for making this possible for a bf-ing mom. Oh and another thanks to our bi-weekly cleaning duo that will allow me to spend this weekend NOT scrubbing toilets or dusting(though laundry & routine cleaning WILL be on the agenda). I do not apologize for having this. We gave up cable and we don’t own a car. We prioritize.
Yay, Ana! I hope you had a wonderful time. When we decided to hire help the cable was the first thing to go. We’ve since signed up again for a killer 6-month deal, but it’s about to expire, and we’re ready to cancel again.
I am a single mom of 4 kids and I follow the Flylady plan on the flylady website to help me. But I will admit I have a cleaning service that I call in regularly. I don’t have a regular time set up but luckily they are on call!!!
I imagine it’s nice to be able to call right at the moment that you’re losing it rather than have to wait for the scheduled time!
We used to send two of our children to day care two days a week. They went for about a year (my youngest stayed home because we aren’t comfortable with our children going into care before they are old enough to communicate with us, in case they need to tell us about anything that is wrong). They went until we decided that the money would be better saved at this point in our lives then spent on daycare when I was a stay at home mum anyway. The reason we had them in care was less about me needing a break (I still had the baby at home anyway) and more about them having exposure to other children and to fun and education things designed just for kids, so we felt guilty for pulling them out, not for putting them in. I feel most guilty (more from other parents’ reactions than my own gut feeling) about not having them in daycare/preschool as they approach school age, but it is expensive and, I think, unnecessary for us.
Having said that, I have always said that if I were rich I wouldn’t get a nanny, because I like to be the one looking after the kids (even though right now they are watching TV, where as with a nanny they would probably be doing something much better for them. But I am right here if they need me and I like that). But if I were rich I would definitely, DEFINITELY get a cleaner. I would get a cleaner every day of the week. They could live with us if they wanted to. I don’t mind so long as I never have to clean again
And I think my husband would hire someone to do the lawns and garden. But if I didn’t have to clean, I think I would be happy to do the lawns and gardens. There, I just saved us some imaginary money (but we’re so incredibly imaginary rich, that I suppose it doesn’t matter).
What are the ethical issues of hiring help? I don’t know why anyone would think it was bad for the cleaner or the nanny to have someone hire them. Cleaning is a job and cleaners need employers. I don’t see cleaning as a lowly job, I’ve considered it myself (even though my house is a mess, I would enjoy cleaning some else’s) and one of my best friends is a cleaner (as well as doing the job that she has a university education for). I also considered being a nanny at one point. I didn’t end up being either, but it never crossed my mind that these were lowly or demeaning jobs. They were just jobs.
I hired a cleaner once when we moved from one house to another because I didn’t want to do the massive vacate clean. She cleaned for 6 hours and I talked to her for most of that time (feeling somewhat guilty for not helping. It is weird to watch someone clean and not help) and she said she really enjoys her job. She said many people clean up before she gets to their house because they are embarrassed by the mess (yes, I did a bit of cleaning before she got to our place), but she said it was silly and unnecessary because she new they had mess that needed cleaning, that is what they were paying her to do, so if they do it what are they paying her for?
I don’t get the big deal with hiring a cleaner. Or any kind of help for that matter. It may be indulgent or it may not, but I don’t think it is degrading for the one who is being paid to help.
As for my current indulgence? I suppose blogging is my time indulgent thing to do, but I have stopped watching so much TV, so it’s probably not taking up much more of my time than TV was. I have also started doing crafty things again, which cost time and money, so I suppose that is my real indulgence.
Woah! Sorry for the novel. I didn’t realise how long this was until I submitted it.
You make some good points here. I work 7:45am-3:30pm Mon-Fri as a nanny for two little boys age 4 and 2 years (I am not a live in nanny). I LOVE LOVE my job. Yes it is hard some days but what job isn’t? It is the perfect fit, for me, at this point in my life so I just wanted to say that I agree with you – hired helpers out there (some at least) do really enjoy their line of work and do not consider it degrading at all.
I think it says a lot about the people who view it as degrading, Crinkled! If you read the comments to the post I linked above you get the jist of the conversation, but basically there were several people who find the house cleaning industry to be exploitative. I’m like you, though – I’ve always paid cleaners a good wage, treated them well, and have found that they are always happy to have the work so…win-win.
Loved your “incredibly imaginary rich” scenario. Hey, maybe you could do the lawn and garden and your husband could clean.
“Loved your “incredibly imaginary rich” scenario. Hey, maybe you could do the lawn and garden and your husband could clean.”
Well, in an imaginary world that would be a great scenario, but it’s never going to happen
Actually in an imaginary world I would still prefer a cleaner so that we could spend more time together as a family.
Very well said. Great post. We women have a way of playing the one-up, “who has it harder,” jealousy game quite often. Time to put it to rest!
I am pregnant with my first child, due in 6 weeks, and I have just hired help to clean my house a few times before/after the baby comes. I have no other kids and I am home from work by 3:30pm each day so for a while I was feeling REALLY guilty about this decision. REALLY. But you know…. physically I just don’t have the energy at the end of the work day and my feet are swelling severely so I told myself “You know what, It is OK! Count it a blessing and praise God that you have this option.”
I had help for a time after my second delivery and it made things so much easier. It is better than wearing yourself out.
My late pregnancy indulgence was regular pedicures, whether I needed them or not. It just felt so good to sit in that massage chair, put my feet in the hot hot water and get pampered a little.
That was the first time in my life I decided to get a pedi- when I could no longer reach my feet! They are awesome aren’t they!
I feel like this all the time! I can’t do it all myself, and wonder how other moms do. When I visit their house, it’s totally clean and everything put away. But I have to remember, all their kids are in school. So if I spend my day cleaning, I’m not playing and crafting and learning with my three year old that’s home with me. And really the house looks like I’ve done nothing after the others get home from school anyway. My new solution is to totally declutter, live simply, and then there’s less to put away and I’ll be able to actually clean something.
If we had money, my indulgence would be a yard person….we have a lot of grass (weeds) and two broken lawnmowers. I’m wondering what it will look like in a couple weeks with spring here now.
I’m realizing that it doesn’t take *that much time to keep your house relatively neat, but it helps when there aren’t toddlers and small children running around behind you un-doing all your work. On Mondays all my big kids are at school and the two little ones are with a friend of mine all day. I’m always amazed how the house looks just as clean on Monday afternoon as it did on Monday morning. But I cannot say the same for the rest of the days of the week
My latest indulgence was 3 pairs of cute summer sandals – not needed but wanted – and they cheer me up when I see something nice on my feet and not the usual worn out, wear-all-the-time-with-the-kids ones.
I agree that there is nothing wrong with having hired help, whether it is needed or wanted. Here in India hiring help is the norm; most people have lifelong servants, maids, cooks and nannies. The only reason I don’t have a maid is the local language barrier. If I can’t tell her what I want done and how to do it, I may as well do it myself – though it takes longer with 3 little kids running around and hubby telling me things like “If you cleaned more often it wouldn’t be so dirty”. Ahem.
We mommies work hard, whether we are SAHMs, work from home moms, work outside the home moms, or whatever kind of moms we are, and we often need help more than we admit. Instead of knocking those who have help, we should see that they are probably getting more done because of it (I’m only talking about average moms here, not the ultra-wealthy ones who probably have too much help and could stand to get more involved with their kids and home).
“We mommies work hard, whether we are SAHMs, work from home moms, work outside the home moms, or whatever kind of moms we are, and we often need help more than we admit.” Amen! And in my other post, there was a lot of talk about the cultural differences between the US and other countries when it comes to hiring help.
Hi everyone! I’m loving these comments, keep ’em coming. I recently installed a new plugin that allows you to subscribe to comments via email. Right now it’s set to receive “all” comments, by default. I think I’m going to change the default to receive only replies on this thread, since it’s getting more comments more quickly than usual and I don’t want you to be bombarded. I don’t think it’ll change the settings for those of you who’ve already subscribed, though. So if you are getting too many emails, check the notification email – there should be an option for unsubscribing from the thread, OR changing it so that you only receive replies to your own comments. Thanks!
Indeed we all do have our “shiny teakettles.” I’m a newish reader so I didn’t see the last post on housekeepers, but I am proud to have help. When I have a moment to breathe (my three children under three years are in bed, for example), the last thing I want to do is clean a toilet. When I first hired cleaning help (pre-kids, my husband and I both worked 50-60 hour weeks), I was nervous to tell my mother. She raised my brother and I as a single mother and did everything on her own, including supporting us completely financially. I was somewhat ashamed. However, she actually cheered when I told her. That helped me get over the hump of guilt. We work hard in many different ways-why not indulge in the ways that make us happy and sane?
I don’t understand when people are miserable and/or jealous and complainy and they *don’t* try to fix whatever is bothering them, even when they have the means or could have the means to do so.
What I’ll never understand is why women care so much about how other women structure their lives. What difference should it make to me whether another mom has a housekeeper? Or doesn’t work? Or does work?
I have two kids and I work full time. It wasn’t always this way. I worked part-time for a number of years and it was a darn near perfect balance. We don’t need to incomes to sustain our day to day lives and expenses, but with me home, we’d be sacrificing savings, contributions to retirement, college funds, and peace of mind. When my part-time position was no longer supported by my employer, I was faced with the choice to go back full-time or quit. I choose working full-time and everyday (at least once) question whether it’s the best thing for my family. My kids are in daycare/preschool, and it’s an excellent preschool which they love. And I like not having to worry about how we’ll pay for emergencies, or even non-emergency larger expenses like eye glasses for my son, replacing our roof soon, and things like orthodontics down the road.
I’d love to have help cleaning the house, but I can’t seem to make the call to hire someone. It’s not because I’m afraid what others would think. It’s because of my own damage that I think I would feel more inadequate as a wife and mother if I couldn’t work full-time, care for two small children, cook healthy meals for the family every night, do all the grocery/household shopping, AND keep the house reasonably clean. I know in my heart and mind how ridiculous it is to expect that of myself, and yet here I sit…making excuses for why I can’t or shouldn’t hire help.
It’s not always easy for the logical sides of our brains to convince that emotional, stubborn side, is it?
Think of it this way: if no one hired help, we’d all be subsistence farmers. ; ) I knew two gals, with four kids each, and both had help with housekeeping. They both said their moms spent all their time cleaning when they were young, and they wanted it different for their own children.
It seems like this is a new thing, moms doing (or trying to do) EVERYTHING themselves. My great-grandmother (5 kids in the 1920s) had help, my grandmother (2 kids in the 50s) had help, but my mom (4 kids in the 70s) did not.
I’ve heard that from more than one mom – that they have help because they want their kids to remember them doing something besides cleaning!
I know not everyone “needs” a really clean house and so can get by doing a lot less housework – but I also think it’s totally fine to want your surroundings to be neat and clean. I know it makes me happier and more functional when mine are.
Thank you for this post, Meagan. I decided to hire help when I was 5 months pregnant with my second child. I always told myself that I shouldn’t hire someone to do things that I could do myself, since I’m home anyway.
But I was huge and couldn’t clean my house well anymore while taking care of a then 2 yo with a lot of developmental delays. I’m a stay at home mom. I am VERY fortunate to be able to afford help twice a month. I LOVE how shiny my countertops are when my cleaning lady is done. I LOVE how nice and helpful and understand she is. I wanted to thank you for making this post a safe place to share things that make us happy without fearing that someone will judge. You see, I probably could take care of the house myself, now that the little one is 5 months old. And I could probably find a house cleaner that’s a lot cheaper than mine: but I use a company that cleans with eco friendly, healthy products and steam. And I love that. That’s important to me, and makes me happy. And at the moment, I am even luckier: we are planning to build a house. Yes, a brand new, energy efficient, small (by american standards) house. And I’m happy to share that with you and feel like a little girl on Christmas morning every time I think about it.
Ohhh, how exciting – I would totally be like a kid in the candy store if I could dream up a house from scratch. I have to check out your blog and see if I can get some vicarious joy out of the process
I have always said, happy mom, happy family. If a shiny tea kettle makes you happy, then awesome. If a new car makes you happy, then awesome. I say cheers to anyone who knows what they need to make them happy and more so…goes about getting it. I loved this post for so many reasons. Mostly because it lifted the guilt off my shoulders of having help even though I am a stay at home mom. I have 4 boys under 5 – and my husband works atleast 530am to 9pm everyday + some weekends. Everyone tells me I need full time help. And the guilt I feel is immense in the hours I do have. I feel if I am home, then why should I have help? It is selfish of me, no? Well I have help because it makes me a nicer, calmer person and therefore a nicer calmer mom. It also means I don’t have new clothes or shoes or other things. But I do “mostly” have my sanity. And some days, I even have shiny pink toe nails ?
Here’s is something I wrote about getting help…in otherwords, knowing when to do what I need to do to be happy. It is HARD.
http://theorangerhino.com/darn-you-thank-you/
I’ve been a lurker on your blog for a while (and love your book as well), but this is my first time commenting. First of all, I give you a lot of credit for re-visiting this topic after some of the nasty comments you received the last time you brought it up. I especially found it ironic that one of the commenters asserted that hiring cleaning help negatively impacts a person’s character, when her character based on the tone of her comments left a lot to be desired! I only have one child and would love to have more. It’s not happening for us, and I have accepted that there are advantages to every family size, and that there are valid reason for choosing to have only one child. That being said, I can’t imagine ever basing that decision on the fact that I might need extra support (such as cleaning help)! Giving my son a sibling would be much more important to me than living up to a standard of self-sufficiency. But that’s just me.
A couple of thoughts: I take issue with the idea that hiring someone to clean up after you is degrading to that person, because when we eat in restaurants (and who doesn’t on occasion, whether it’s to celebrate, or for any other reason), the wait staff and “bus boys” clean up after us. I only have one child, and I currently work just 15 hours/week outside the home (but my life is complicated by the fact that my husband, who works fulltime, works opposite my schedule, so most of the time either he or I are on our own here at home with our son). I have never hired cleaning help, and would be unlikely to. But, other than in extreme circumstances, like the SAHM with only one child who attends preschool 30 hours/week and still sees cleaning help as a need rather than an indulgence, I think we can trust mothers to know what’s best for their family. A friend of mine is an extreme couponer. She probably saves more money couponing than she spends on her twice monthly cleaning person. I coupon to some extent, but would tear out my hair if I spent as much time on it as she does. I prefer to clean my own house. On the other hand, she does home repairs, renovation projects, etc that I would either have my husband do, leave undone, or save till I could afford to hire out for. She sells her baby clothes; I donate mine. But, she donates a ton of things from her stockpile (that she has obtained from her extreme couponing). Again, let’s trust each mother to make the right decision based on what she can afford, and what areas of her budget she chooses to splurge on and what areas she chooses to save on.
Regarding the reader who said that it’s harder for her to relate to you now that she knows you have cleaning help: she certainly presented her perspective in a respectful manner, and I can see where she’s coming from to some extent. But, what if it was a question of your husband cutting back on travel, and giving you those 7 hours/month of cleaning help that you currently get from hiring out? Would that make it harder to relate to? My husband doesn’t do a whole lot of cleaning, but he does a lot of childcare, all the yardwork, home repairs/maintenance, etc, and helps me with errands. The only difference is that his help doesn’t cost any money! Even among mothers with very similar lifestyles (SAHM, large family, husband with a demanding job, etc), there are going to be variables like this. These moms still have cleaning tasks and other homemaking tasks to juggle, and their tips for how to do so are helpful even if one mom happens to have more help than another, whether that help comes from a cleaning person, a spouse, teenage children, etc.
I’ve already written a novel (I’m making up for lost time!), but here are my current indulgences:
My DVR, my landline telephone, paying to have my hair highlighted instead of doing it myself, getting myself a salad from the grocery store salad bar once in a while, and probably many more that I’m not even thinking of, since even though we live on a modest budget, we are first-world people with first-world problems.
Yes, thank you Claire! That was the point I was trying to make – that we all have such different circumstances that it’s impossible to really know how a family is impacted by the conveniences they pay for (or the things they DIY).
I need to start getting my hair highlighted again. The at-home “frost” kit is not that cheap to begin with and I’m not very accurate!
good quality chocolate!
Definitely one of the best indulgences!
It’s funny, before my husband and I got married we had to do marriage counseling with a priest. As part of it we had to take a test to see areas where we were compatible and areas that would likely cause challenges later on. The priest took one look at our results and said we should hire a house cleaner. Ever since then we have had a cleaner and NEVER ONCE REGRETTED IT! (We had to, the priest said so. :)) The frequency of her/their visits has changed over the years depending on incoming cash flow and our location (when we lived in Mexico, our house cleaner came every other DAY!) but honestly, I can’t even imagine cleaning my own house twice a month anymore.
As for my indulgences: good red wine, good dark chocolate, sparkling water and an upcoming vacation sans kids to Belize!
I love that the “priest made you do it.” Sounds like a wise priest, to me
I am currently a SAHM (on 12 months maternity leave) with 2 kids under 2. I have a cleaner every second week. I really like having a (relatively) clean home, I just feel happier and more relaxed as a person, mum and wife. I justify the cost easily – it is about the same cost as a take out dinner. I love cooking and would rather spend those precious couple of hours cooking a nutritious meal or snacks than cleaning and getting take away or ready made meals. I tried to do it all and felt like the sacrifice was spending time on the floor playing with my kids. As my time as a SAHM is coming to an end in a few months, I want to spend my time at home doing the things I want to do and enjoy (playing with my kids and cooking). I easily make up the cost by having more time to shop specials and cook from scratch. There are only a limited number of hours in the day! Every person makes there own judgement on how they want to spend two finite resources – money and time.
There are only so many hours in a day – you’re so right! Enjoy the rest of your maternity leave!
Hi everyone, just a quick note – I unapproved a comment earlier, which is extremely unusual for me to do (like, never) but I really do not want to turn the comments to this post into a debate. There is a 200+ comment thread in the post I referenced above which covers it pretty thoroughly. Since this thread was specifically created as a safe space, I respectfully ask that we keep the comments kind, supportive, and positive and I will be watching the comments closely to make sure it stays that way. If you want to debate the issue, feel free to jump into that other thread, or this one: http://thehappiestmom.com/2011/05/the-help-the-truth-about-hiring-a-cleaning-service/ which has slightly fewer comments to wade through
My big indulgence is, yes, a weekly cleaning courtesy of the lovely Tammy. We’ve had weekly cleaning since our youngest was born, and I always knew that it was important for me – in fact, I often said that there were many things in the budget that would get cut before we ever went without cleaning help.
And then we moved across the country. And we started a business. And we didn’t know anyone and we didn’t have any extra money. So, I tried to go it alone… which lasted all of 2.5 months before I cracked. The housework that wasn’t getting done was hangIng over my head like a cloud. I was dreaming about it, even. And yet, I wasn’t finding/making the time to get it done, so it was just getting worse. I decided to trim the budget in a couple of other places (sigh, bye Netflix!) and hired an every-other-week team. I soon realized that weekly is the only way that works for us. I feel so much more at peace now, and we all are better at keeping the house tidy when we know Tammy will be here in just a few days. Our house feels more like the happy sanctuary for our family that it is meant to be. And I don’t mind the hours of laundry and dishes and tidying that I still do, because I know the big “deep clean” stuff will be taken care of. We don’t go out for dinner as often, my husband and I haven’t been to the movies in at least a year, we put our weekend-away plans on hold for now, but oh, I don’t feel that cloud of shame and stress when I walk in my house anymore and that is golden!!
Love it. We all prioritize things differently, don’t we? Some people would much rather have the movies than a clean house, but I feel so much *psychically* better with tidy surroundings that it’s a big priority for me. Movies, meh.
Thank you for posting this. When I read it I had just gotten home from the hospital, and it seriously set me free.
I am going to forget my excuses. Help in the house isn’t a rich man/poor man argument. It’s just not. And doing it yourself shouldn’t make you a better person than someone else – we’re all called to serve at some point or another.
The fact is I can’t do everything on my own. What I want to do, I want to do well. My priority is my family. This is something I need to do for them.
We are not rich but that doesn’t matter. I’m getting someone to help me clean my house, because that is what I need.
And I will love it.
This made me smile to read. Yeah to you!
I really like the idea of simply being happy for other moms when they make a decision that allows their lives to be easier and happier. Whether it’s hiring cleaning help or the woman in the comments buying Greek yogurt every week. Thanks for the encouragement to stop comparing and start being happy when other people make choices to do what they need/want to do in their lives.
Sometimes I need the reminder myself, Steph!
We just finished building a house that my husband and I designed. We have more bedrooms than we need. Well, more rooms in genera than we need. We only have two children right now, and we hope to have more one day and then the rooms will be necessary. But instead of adding on later, when we needed more room, we opted for a larger house from the get go. So for today, I LOVE having room for friends to spend the night! Esepcially my little sisters (can you say free babysitting? Lol)
I just stumbled onto your blog and this is the first post I’ve read. It’s so perfect! I am with you 100% – we all have our “thing” – the thing we are happy to pay money towards. Someone else will always look down at our choice (usually while paying an arm and a leg for something we wouldn’t) but that’s the point – we’re all different.
Honestly, I didn’t read every single post so I don’t know if someone else mentioned this. It’s the reason that we will probably always have occasional hired help around the house even when we live places where it isn’t so affordable as we do right now. Fights about household chores used to be a good 50% of what my husband I fought about, and of course we fought more often. The peace having someone else scrub the tubs and mop the floors has given us is certainly worth its weight in happy marriage = happy family.
Besides, it’s such a pleasure talk walk through the house in the 5 minutes between when I get home on cleaning day and when the kids completely destroy the place
Your post could not have come at a BETTER time…divinely appointed I do believe
I am currently pregnant with #2 and due in 10 weeks and I’m definitely feeling pregnant and large and tired and well, all those other things that kicked in a lot later the first time around. Caring for my 2yo daughter fulltime and serving as “household COO” (as we like to call it), I have found cleaning to be something that too often and easily falls to the wayside. My husband and I were having a great talk just earlier today about having someone come in every other week to clean and take that off my plate – I was trying to justify to myself why this isn’t necessary and how I just need to step up my game as it were. Well, after reading this, I’m giving in – waving the white flag and I’m not going to feel guilty about it.
Oh, and I have also taken up to buying a small batch of fresh flowers each week when grocery shopping at Trader Joe’s – I let my daughter pick them out (with a bit of guidance so we don’t spend a fortune on them) and she loves it and I love having a pop of color catch my eye as I enter our home. Something I used to think of as a splurge but have come to realize it holds far more warm, loving and therapeutic connotations for me that are worth far more than the $4 I spend on them each week
Wow – lots of comments! I remember this post from last year too – I’ll have to go back and see what I wrote
I have seen this topic debated more than once since then. One thing that strikes me is how lively the discussion gets when it’s about hiring help to clean the house – something that’s traditionally been the “woman’s” responsibility. But are men under this same judgement for hiring someone to cut the grass, change the oil, fix the computer, paint the house, butcher the meat, do their taxes, or how about polish their shoes at the airport! I’ve never heard anyone judge those things!
My shiny kettle is our wonderful woman who comes 2 – 3 days a week to help with childcare and cleaning. I work full time outside the home, my husband stays home with our kids (7, 5, 3 and 1). On the days she comes he’s able to knock out client meetings, conference calls, and some work since she’s taking care of the kids. She also cleans the kitchen, bathrooms, vacuums, dusts, etc. We don’t have family nearby so we consider her our surrogate “Grandma” to our kids — we treat her with the utmost respect, pay her well, and she is very happy coming to help us.
This is topical to me right now! My son’s reflux has gone out of control and so it’s hard to get enough sleep and my son gets upset whenever I get on the computer from home. I had been waiting for him to get better to do our taxes, but with the deadline coming up and no relief in sight, I’m thinking this is going to be the year I gather up all our little pieces of paper in a shoebox and pay whatever to someone else to wade through it for me. And the instant I had that thought I felt that was just not something I could do. I don’t mind doing our taxes, since it’s related to my work anyway, but it is better to hire things out than leave them undone, especially when it’s something you can’t really leave undone. And when I see how much we are getting back on our taxes (however they get done), I plan to reconsider hiring cleaning help for everyone’s sanity (not to mention sanitation).
Anyway, I think that what you did with your initial post was a great public-service. We are so bogged down in the idea that families and individuals should be completely self-sufficient that some folks who aren’t paying for help feel like dunces because they don’t do all the cool stuff that someone does who has more help. There really are only so many hours in the day and if you have a choice about how to spend them, then why shouldn’t you?
If the person does similar commission paid work for other people, you are probably safe in just paying him commission. However, governments are very quick to classify someone as an employee, which will require withholding taxes and paying both your share of FICA and State Unemployment tax.
Good post. I just read a survey in the April Real Simple magazine about women/time which said that 45% of their readers would NOT hire household cleaning help even if they had the money. Crazy! These are the same people who respond that they are pressed for time and stressed. We are pretty strapped but just hired a cleaner for 3 hours per week. Although it’s not a lot, it will help save our sanity.
My husband has a lot of flexibility with his schedule and I am so thankful for that. He’s actually home for the week (Spring Break!) We don’t have family nearby so it’s nice to know he can be home if it’s really needed. I had to go help my mom out of state for nearly two weeks post surgery and he was able to be home with our two school aged kids.
Go for the Greek yogurt! A friend of mine adds whipped cream on top. It honestly cuts down on my I-need-ice-cream-now!!! moments. A quarter cup of redi-whip is 1 point on Weight Watchers. It really makes drinking coffee and eating yogurt feel “fancy”.
IT was this topic that really got me enamored to your blog. It was interesting to see an in depth discussion about this topic, and to think about the idea that a lot of these judgements come from “social norms.” Why couldn’t I figure that out on my own? I think it clarified it a bit for me, and helped me to not get too upset when people stick their foot in their mouth. Easier to shrug it off…
I probably said much the same the last time you brought up this topic, but we have a gardener to save us time and stress. There was an element of a picky HOA, and a new baby. I threw up my hands and hired the gardener – the *best* thing I have ever done. & maybe instead of worrying about teaching the kids about yard work it is better I taught them “it’s okay to hire help when things are stressful, and you have the money.”
We have actually prioritized family time and sanity in our lives. This is a rare way to prioritize things in our culture. My spouse stays home with the kids. I mentioned the gardener, which is our favorite luxury. We hired help with the kids for my dh’s sanity (& for the kids’ social development) when they were little. Stuff like that. I find it sad that we get so much judgement for focusing on what is truly important. It’s kind of like, “Excuse me for wanting to be happy, and for raising productive members of society. I suppose I am supposed to buy a latte every day and have perpetual car payments, and just be miserable and not allowed to focus on true happiness???” & seriously, I have nothing against lattes and car payments, but I do think people under-estimate choice. Since most the people who make “it must be nice” comments to me choose very expensive luxuries that we don’t. To those people, you can only roll your eyes or shrug. They will never get it. I mean seriously, yes I am so rich because I spend $80/month on a gardener??? I don’t even have cable! So it’s not a big stretch for the average household I know. Maybe most of them rather have cable – that is their choice.
The indulgence I WANT to have is someone to clean my house two or three times a month. I have four sons, ages 3, 5, 11, 13, and we live on a farm so there is plenty of work outside of housework, plus I do help out at my church and do the bookkeeping for our farm. I no longer work outside the home and farm because I want to be more available to my kids & it works better with our farm for me to be available to help when needed. My husband works so many hours, and although my boys help with chores, it’s just not enough by the time I try to play with my kids or drive them to their activities.
I don’t enjoy cleaning – I do enjoy accounting for the farm, working outside with gardening/yardwork/livestock, cooking, spending time with my kids – but I know I will be judged as lazy for getting someone to clean. In a small town, it’s hard to live with that when people know or think they know all your business.
However – THANK YOU – for your post. Even if I get an “eyeroll” from people who judge me, it’s nice to know that there are people in this world who will be cheering me on for getting rid of some stress so I can enjoy my family and children more!
I’m a professional parent and bring no income to my family, and I’m hiring an au pair! I have three kids – a five-year-old and nine-month old twins. I will be homeschooling the older child starting this summer and so I needed at least some help, but I didn’t need full-time help – I just wanted it! I want to spend my time doing some things other than taking care of the kids and the house. We can afford it (barely). It will make me happy. Thank you, Meagan!
(By the way, I’m a GBC mom from 2006. I lost track of you a while back and it’s great to see how successful you’ve become!)
hi meagan!
came upon this while googling ikea lindingo kitchens (we’re finishing ours up now and i’m having major drawer pull angst).
just wanted to say how much i adore this post and that it resonates so much. i never like to admit that i have a sitter twice a week for 2 hours each so i can grocery shop in peace. it’s my little indulgence and while i don’t *need* it… i need it.
whenever it comes up i always get the sardonic ‘oh you’re soooo lucky to shop alone, i wish i had that luxury’ – which makes me want to scream in defense – I WORK FROM HOME WITH FOUR KIDS AND NO HELP!!! IF I DIDN’T HAVE THIS LITTLE THING I WOULD LOSE MY MIND!!!! I EARNED THIS!!!
i never actually do, and i shouldn’t have to. because who CARES??? i wish i could go out to dinner with my husband once a week like my sister does. i can’t, but i’m GLAD SHE CAN. i have friends who can afford not to work at all and have nannies and hair appointments and while, sure, i’d love to partake in some of that, i don’t begrudge them for it.
anyway, you said it more eloquently than i ever could. so thanks. and your tea kettle looks fantastic.
I love this post (just saw it from a link from Liberating Working Moms) and have too many indulgences to really count, and don’t ever feel guilty about them
What happened to the old post? I really wanted to read it!
We have a cleaning service once a month, both work full time but don’t need to, and regularly do date nights and I leave quite frequently to do things on my own… even (gasp) while both kids are awake, because my husband is more than capable of handling them. When I had my first daughter (who is now 3) I sometimes felt guilty for going out in addition to working but now it doesn’t bother me in the slightest. I don’t do it that often but when I do, it’s amazing! We’re taking our first big kid-free vacation in a few weeks and I really can’t wait. I know the kids will love to spend the time with the grandparents too! (at least my 3 year old will, and my 1 year old will survive
Thanks for the great post! It’d be awesome if more moms could just say “that’s great!” when another mom is doing something for themselves.
You’re so cool! I do not think I have read anything like that
before. So nice to discover someone with genuine thoughts on this subject matter.
Seriously.. thank you for starting this up. This web site is one
thing that is needed on the web, someone with some originality!