More on Tiger Moms, happiness, and judgment

The other day I posed a question here: Are “Tiger Moms” happy? And though I tried to be as measured as possible, a few of my readers felt that my post was judgmental; not in keeping with my usual tone here.

My initial reaction to being thought judgmental: “NOOOOO!!”

But I reflected on this all the way home from New York, and came to a conclusion. While I always try to look at things with an open mind, I do have some opinions about motherhood, and they do sometimes come through in my writing. In this case, I am feeling a little bit judgmental, and….well, I think I’m okay with that.

Bear with me here.

First, I think to know where I’m coming from, you have to read the book. We aren’t talking about your average strict or achievement-focused parent here; Chua describes forcing her daughters into daily 5- and 6-hour practice sessions (even while on family vacations,) threatening to burn their toys if they don’t practice. She writes almost gleefully about how hard mothering is and how wrapped up she is personally in her daughters’ successes or failings (like getting a B+, ever, which she says would be unthinkable.) She mocks her daughters and refers to screaming matches and “war zone” conditions in the house. It is safe to say that I don’t know a single person in real life who is even remotely like Amy Chua describes herself.

In fact, I’m not sure anyone I know could be like Amy Chua, even if they wanted to. After all, even if we all believed her way was best, it would take an incredible amount of time, innumerable resources, and endless energy, focus, and drive that not all of us have available every single day throughout our kids’ entire childhoods. That doesn’t make us bad, or lazy, or uncaring mothers.

So this is really much more about Amy Chua herself-and more about her as a writer than a mother-than the whole world of “Tiger Moms.” If we were simply talking about super high-achieving moms working toward super high-achieving kids, I’d be much more “to each her own” about it. After all, as Cagey wisely pointed out in her comment, we all value and prioritize different things. I’d never tell you that wishing success (of any sort) for your kids is wrong or not conducive to happy mothering.

But though Chua’s book is said to be a memoir, she has, in a way, put herself out there as an expert on a certain kind of high-achievement mothering-and with that comes responsibility. Chua is also openly critical of what she terms “Western parenting” and the lazy, slovenly, disrespectful jerks-of-kids it turns out. And to be honest, it kind of got to me. Reading Chua’s book my mind kept doing this erratic flip-flop between “I could never live like this!” and “What if my kids turn out to be shiftless, jobless, lazy, disrespectful jerks and I could have saved them from it if only I’d made them practice the violin for five hours a day?”

I’m a pretty self-assured parent. And yet, there is something in Chua’s glib recollections of endless battles and power struggles, of stopping at nothing to ensure her daughters’ excellence in every area of life, that made me doubt myself a little…to wonder whether I am really trying hard enough, or whether I’m shortchanging my kids by not forcing them to live up to their potential.

And you know what…forget that. I have been pretty consistent here on this blog with certain principles. Principles like: Parent in a way that feels right today, not out of fear of “what might happen” later. Don’t make motherhood harder than it has to be. It’s okay to let go of perfectionism. Pretty much the polar opposite of Chua’s stance, and while that doesn’t make her a bad mother, it doesn’t mean I agree with her either.

Ironically, there is much in Chua’s book that I do identify with, on a very basic level. I also don’t believe most kids will naturally do what’s best for them, that they often need guidance to make the right decisions. I believe in respect for elders and the importance of discipline (though compared to Amy Chua’s, my standards are hopelessly low.) So it’s not that I have a problem with moms insisting on good grades or making their kids practice the violin or forbidding sleepovers. In fact, I could probably stand to up my strictness ante every now and then. I would have appreciated a book that encouraged me to crack down a little harder now and then, that told me sometimes it’s OK to be the mean mom. (Lucky us! My good friend Denise is writing one!)

I just don’t go for fear-based, extremist parenting. I don’t think it’s good for us as mothers. I don’t think it creates happy homes. And needless to say, I don’t really like the idea of a book that sells itself by selling fear and a rigid version of ‘right.’ Let’s face it, if this Tiger Mom thing didn’t poke at our insecurities, we would have all given a collective “meh” and her book would not have ended up a New York Times bestseller. And though Chua gives lip service to having a change of heart near the end, it rings hollow. Whether that’s due to weak writing or bad editing or simply the fact that she’s still just as convinced of her rightness at the end of the book as at the beginning, I guess I can’t say.

It’s possible I completely misunderstood Chua’s intent with Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother. Honestly, my uncertainty about whether I had really read her accurately was part of the reason I didn’t go into much detail in my previous post. But obviously, what I left out still came through loud and clear in my tone. I admit it: I judged Chua for appearing to judge me and mothers like me. Hey, I’m only human. But I do regret if I made anyone with “tiger mom leanings” feel bad.

I guess what it boils down to, for me, is that I believe:

• Mothers deserve to be happy;
• Functional, peaceful and enjoyable day-to-day family life is just as important a goal as some far-down-the-road outcome;
• My specific family would not do well using her approach, nor would I be able to keep it up for long without resentment or total breakdown,
• And therefore, the “Tiger Mom” lifestyle as defined by Amy Chua would make ME miserable, and therefore is not worth it to ME, no matter how outstanding the possible long-term results.

That’s really it, no more and no less. The way I keep it real is to be the kind of mom I am, and that’s definitely not a tiger. I just couldn’t be happy that way, and happy family life is at least as important to me as spotless academic records or training at top-rated music conservatories. And for many of us-if not most of us-I think at some point, with some kids, you have to pick one or the other.

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