The relaxed, laid-back feeling of summer – and the inertia and lack of focus it can lead to – reminded me of a post I wrote back in 2009 about how motherhood forced me to realize that I need structure and thrive on activity. Enjoy!
The year after Isaac, my second-oldest child, was born was by far my worst year of motherhood.
We’d moved for my husband’s job, leaving behind my part-time job and the college where I’d been working my way through writing classes, when Isaac was just five days old (Jacob, my eldest, was 22 months old). There we lived amid strip malls in a humdrum Minnesota suburb, on the third floor of an apartment (not exactly conducive for getting out and about with two small children), through a gray, rainy fall and bitter-cold winter.
Did I mention it was Minnesota?
You could point to a lot of things contributing to my dissatisfaction at the time. I was isolated, with two young children, and my husband worked long hours. The only thing within walking distance was a Wal-Mart. I was surrounded by the gray, goose-poop-covered landscape of a large and rather drab apartment complex.
The loneliness, cold weather, ugly surroundings and soggy goose feces certainly didn’t help matters, but I could have dealt with all of that under the right circumstances. I’m outgoing, have never minded making new friends and jumping into new communities with both feet. And it certainly wasn’t the first time I’d lived somewhere cold and ugly.
No, the biggest problem I faced—which made all the rest of it seem that much worse—was inertia: the state of sluggishness, sitting still, lack of motion. At the time I thought I was depressed.
And I was, but not chemically. Instead, I was stuck: I couldn’t get moving, I couldn’t enjoy sitting still. And I couldn’t figure out how to get moving again.
Motherhood, especially when you have infants and toddlers, requires a lot of sitting down. Sometimes you get stuck under a nursing infant or cranky toddler for hours. Sometimes those built-in routines you’ve created for yourself to jump-start your day–the morning cup of coffee, the shower, the jog—get put off or even cancelled while you’re dealing with a mini-emergency or dressing a child who woke earlier than you’d expected.
And the longer you sit around with unwashed hair and no bra in your dirty pajamas on that unmade bed, the more sluggish you can start to feel, until it seems almost impossible to get moving again.
I realize all this now, but back then it was hard to see. The reason for my unkempt house and unkempt hair and my general inability to function wasn’t because I had too much to do, but too little. I’d been trying to do myself a favor by taking it easy, but it had backfired.
See, I’d always considered myself a laid-back, type-B personality. I never achieved much greatness in school, and came to think of myself as fairly lazy, disorganized, and unmotivated. It took me until my late 20s to realize that actually, I thrive on having a lot to do. I’m much more efficient if I have ten things on my to-do list than if I have none. If I give myself too much time to complete a task, it never gets done.
Despite everything I’d thought about myself for years and years, I need expectations and structure to my life to thrive. And once I have that structure in place, I’m actually extremely motivated, organized, and ambitious.
How did I figure this out? Out of necessity—and with much reluctance—I got a job outside the home, and to my amazement, the rest of my life fell into place. My house was cleaner, I got more things done in the few hours I had after work than I had previously been able to get done all day, and I was more consistent and engaged with my kids. I slept better, I ate better, I felt better.
I’m not suggesting that at-home moms suffering from inertia or dissatisfaction necessarily need to get a job outside the home, though some moms do thrive on working outside the home. Rather, it was the total 180 that showed me my true personality, and how different it was from what I’d always thought about myself.
Armed with a better understanding of what motivates me and keeps me on track, I was able to re-enter the world of at-home motherhood a couple of years later, but in a much more healthy way. Now I make sure to structure my life so that I’m up around the same time daily, getting out of the house every day (having kids in school and other people counting on me helps), interacting with other people, and working on projects that excite me.
One of the things I find most amazing about motherhood is how it shines a light on those deep, hidden parts of your psyche.
Everything you thought you knew about yourself might turn out not to be true. You can be so much stronger, more patient, and more giving than you ever thought possible. You may also find that you can be more anxious, irritable, and even petty than you would have wanted to admit.
The self-discovery is both awesome and inconvenient: it can be hard to figure out what makes you thrive rather than flounder while you’re also trying to care for a small, helpless being.
I still wouldn’t say I’m exactly “type A”, whatever that means. I’m pretty laid back. I love leisure. I can relax like nobody’s business.But I find that I generally operate best and feel happiest when I’m consistently busy and productive, with a day or two off here and there to recover.
Maybe you like a slower pace, or prefer to spread out your activity level instead of taking a work hard, play hard, rest hard approach like I do.
But the point is that sometimes, what we think we know about ourselves is just not accurate, and it takes caring for other small people – and everything else that goes along with motherhood – to figure that out.
If you feel like you keep running up against a wall and can’t seem to find satisfaction in your life as a mother, I suggest you shake things up. Toss out everything you think is true about the type of mom you are, or what you think is supposed to work, and try on something totally new for size.
Maybe you’ve been laboring under the delusion that you need your baby on a rigid schedule to keep your sanity, but it’s actually making you crazy.
Maybe you were convinced that filling your calendar with activities would keep you from experiencing loneliness or boredom (or would at least make you LOOK productive) but it’s just too much to keep up with.
Or maybe like me, you thought you’d do best floating through a free-form, no-expectations version of motherhood, but what you really need is an alarm clock, a routine, and a packed to-do list.
Forget about what “kind” of mother you, for whatever reason, think is “best”. The best kind of mom your kids can have is the one who’s true to herself…and happy that way.
Only you can say what will work for you. Sometimes it takes a while to figure it out.
And sometimes, you’ll amaze yourself.
Have you ever realized that something you always thought was true—or hoped was true—about yourself was all wrong?
This post really resonated with me. About two years ago although everything in my life was going exactly like it seemed it should from the outside (I had a part-time job that was interesting and close to home, a husband with flexible schedule, one kid in a great preschool, the other in a great elementary school) I was completely miserable. Everything was organized, my house was clean, I was baking all our bread, and yet I had a hard time getting out of bed in the morning.
And then I started my blog and suddenly, although my house was filthy and I could never keep up with half of the ambitions I had for it, I felt so happy and fulfilled that everything was brighter and food tasted better. And now I’ve quit my job and am flying without a compass and I really couldn’t be happier. I’m certain that this is much better for my kids and I know that it’s helped my marriage too. I’ll never “catch up” again, never be as in control as I thought needed to be, and I also think I’ve completely redefined the word “success” for myself, both as a mother and as a human being.
Thanks for reminding me that it’s OK not be doing things the way I thought I was “supposed” to do them.
And pardon the excessive use of quotations marks in my comment! I think I may have gotten a little carried away.
It took me reading this to realize what’s been “up” with me lately (used those quotes just for Mara :)). I have been feeling overwhelmed as a SAHM/WAHM, like I can never get a handle on the housework, completing my professional projects, and even doing the kinds of crafts and activities I’d like to be doing with my little ones. I’ve been thinking that it’s because I’ve got too much on my plate. But maybe there’s too little! You jogged my memory of how much I accomplished — and what a rush I felt every day — when I was a full-time editor working 12 hours a day. I had a clean house! I wrote books in my free time! I had a social calendar! Crazy, this revelation, I tell ya. Now it hits me that on the days when I’ve scheduled something as simple as a play date, we as a family get so much more accomplished and I feel much happier in my roles. I guess what I’m trying to say is … thanks for your insight. I definitely wouldn’t trade anything for being home with my boys, but I now think I can make the necessary changes to our lifestyle that will benefit everyone.
Wow, I really needed to read this post this weekend. Meagan, if you read my current post, you’ll see why — and that’s not a pitch to generate blog traffic, truly! As you know, I am an older mom with a grown son, but I am here to tell you that, like you, I am a lot more organized and productive when I have lots more to do. When my son was home and I rotated my freelance writing career around carpools and school field trips, etc, I got LOTS more done and felt energized. In retrospect, it’s funny that I used to LONG for the day when I’d be free of the constant “mom duty” and able to have more leisure time. Leisure time gets frittered now, and I am now looking into volunteer opportunities for the very reasons you’ve covered in this excellent post!
First off, I have to say just how much I’ve been enjoying this blog. I’m finding it really inspiring and thought-provoking in the best possible way. I just wanted to thank you for what you’re doing here and let you know I appreciate it.
Second, oh how I can relate to this. Having children of my own, and even really just growing older, I have re-framed my picture of myself in big ways. I have learned to be much gentler with myself and others. I have let go of perfectionism. And I have learned that I have this inner domestic goddess. Who knew? I am an engineer and I worked for a long time, I never expected to find fulfillment gardening, sewing and baking bread.
I think it’s wonderful that you took the time to figure this out, and when you were so young. I am finding that I am doing everyone in my life a disservice by refusing to do this. Thank you for such a thoughtful post!
It is always a pleasure to read your words. You strive for such integrity , and share it with gentleness and fairplay.
I think the most significant turn around in my mindset was when I embraced the morning. I always thought that i wasn’t a morning person, and grumped my way through the years when the kids woke me up so early, and then I would go to bed so content , having achieved and been engaged way more than I thought possible.
I continued this again this summer, with teens sleeping until whenever, and it really has been life changing.
This is a great post for me today. While I’ve been laboring to creat a more laid-back, less-structured life for my kids, I’d felt a lot like you felt without a structure. I’ve been pondering building in some structure again, but was resisting, since my boys seem to be doing OK. But maybe it’s worth doing just for me. And who knows? They might do better with more structure as well?
I’ve seen the exact same pattern in myself, for the same reasons, so you’re definitely not alone! While I like the flexibility of being relaxed sometimes being on-the-go for a few weeks really helps things to feel more balanced–and appreciated.
As for realizing that some preconceived notion was incorrect: I always thought I hated cooking & cleaning, but am now finding some pleasure in them. I find it hard sometimes to accept the pleasure as it feels almost like a betrayal of stereotypes that I try to avoid.
Like Amber, I’ve also really been enjoying your blog.
This post really resonated with me. I find dissatisfaction creeping in when I’m not busy enough, but I see the lack of things getting done as being because I am too busy. In fact, it’s usually the opposite – I’m not busy enough. I’m a bit Type-A so I need to factor in some downtime but I also need to make sure it’s not too much or else it turns into inertia.
Reading this post was like reading a postcard from myself in five years. I have a baby and a toddler, and I spend most of my time in petty, irritated, anxious, controlling inertia. I’m on the couch, drinking coffee, in pajamas with dirty hair, wishing I had something to do today that would make me feel worthwhile. I need to shake things up.
Thank you.
I can so relate. I would love nothing more than a part-time job outside my house right now, but of course this damn recession is making even that hard. I’m told it will all get easier one day and I hope they are right. Filling long days is HARD work. Still trying to figure it all out myself and doing the best I can at being the mom I would have liked to have.
this is the first time i read your blog and I too can relate to alot of what you said. I have found that many women do not express what it is really like to be home all day with their children. It is like we are afraid to talk about the hardships of it. We feel guilty because it is such a blessing at the same time. My husband and I got a babysitter this summer and went out all the time – it was a blast but we noticed it did not help me to unwind or destress as much as we thought or had hoped. So we figured out what does do this is having the kids out of the house (3) and me having the house to myself to clean, do laundry, organize mail all while listening to my favorite music, with a candle lit and a quiet house. When eveyone comes home the house is clean peaceful with dinner ready:)
Hi Meagan,
This is my first time to your site and I came here via the happiness project because I wanted to follow the link to this article in particular. I am so glad I did! This Really struck a cord with me personally: “…actually, I thrive on having a lot to do. I’m much more efficient if I have ten things on my to-do list than if I have none. If I give myself too much time to complete a task, it never gets done. Despite everything I’d thought about myself for years and years, I needed expectations and structure to my life to thrive. And once I have that structure in place, I’m actually extremely motivated, organized, and ambitious.”
Like you, I sometimes can’t believe how long it takes me to figure something out about myself, and now you have succincly stated something I am just now having a light bulb moment about…that’s me!
Thanks,
KM
Many thanks for posting this. Definitely exceptional article. Many thanks!
I’m six months late in reading this, but wow! This is so good! I’m a new reader and I can completely relate to this post. I lived in dreary Idaho at the time my second was born, 22 months after my first (the youngest is now 3 – so it’s been awhile since). But, I’ve been dealing with anxiety/depression since then and am realizing so many truths about myself that I didn’t know! I wish I’d read this earlier!! Maybe you’ve already written this (I just haven’t seen it), but please tell me what structure do you impose on yourself? I don’t want to work outside the home, but I like the structure that creates, too. My kids aren’t school-aged, but will you write (or suggest another post) about what an average day looks like? Specifically, do you plan every little thing out? I’m looking for any kind of help with this! 🙂
Dear Carolyn,
This website helped me look at a daily schedule for a SAHM
Please check this out http://wantingwhatyouhave.com/2012/04/a-typical-day-at-our-house-2012.html. Im an RN and I have live -in nanny and housekeeper, although I only work 3 long shifts a week. When Im home those 4 days, I find myself getting anxious because Im with the baby all day ( I have the nanny do the chores of laundry, dishes and I cook sometimes). For some reason, I have this notion that mothers are supposed to be engrossed with their babies all the time, and thats not the case for me ( I wonder if its my PPD). So starting this wee, I am adding readinga book for 1 hour on top of going to the gym for 1 hour and see where that leads me.
Beverlee
I can TOTALLY relate to this post, this experience. I recently went through something very similar. My oldest is almost six and it has taken me this long to really understand that I too need goals, more structure, and more activity to make me happy….it is a nice revelation and it feels so good. Thanks for expressing it so well.
Yet again, a wonderful post. Thank you. I have been in a similar place and I too thought I was depressed (or so the doctor tried to convince me whilst trying to give me medication for it too!) – it wasn’t that at all. It was total lack of momentum. I now have 3 kids and still get frustrated when I want to get moving and everything takes so long.
You have hit the nail on the head so precisely for me.
Thank you.
I’m a total Type A personality and it carries through to motherhood in good and bad ways. I definitely needed to have four kids. If I only had one or two, my Type A-ness would have probably driven my kids crazy. I was a little “too” scheduled and organized. Now with four who were born within 6 years, it forces me to be less of a control freak and be a more relaxed mother. I think this is better for my kids! Yes, some structure is good for kids, but I would be too rigid… too hyper focused. I hope that makes sense… also I have maintained my career in Engineering which is all about being Type A. My husband is definitely Type B and is the stay at home / work at home parent. Having four kids has required him to become a little more organized / type A in some ways, which I think has been beneficial for him. Your description of yourself totally reminds me of him.
Oh and I wanted to add — my first two were 21mo apart. The first year after my 2nd was born was probably my lowest time in my 8 years of mothering. I went back to work after a 4.5mo maternity leave and really was in a fog for a lot of months. I was also in a really bad place at work which didn’t help. I think adjusting to parenting two, without much time in between, can be challenging for a lot of us no matter what our circumstance. I really grew as a mother that year.
It is very important to enjoy and strive for wonderful activities together with your kids and husband. Motherhood is not an easy task to undergo so it is really good to take a break sometime. In fact, this summer I am planning to bring my kids in a summer vacation at the beach. I think it is a nice idea.
I am definately Type-A by personality, but this is my first month as a SAHM (my guy is 12months) and I have to say I am loving the freedom! We both tend to fall into a routine anyways, but I have a super flexible kid who lets me change things up on him ever now and then :). We are also new to our city, BUT THANK GOD the library and park are within walking distance, and our neighborhood is a pretty place to walk also. AND thank God for the Internet, too!!!
I love reading your blog too. I love to read your experiences as a mother and hear some tips from you. I know as mother we really want the best for our children. and as much as possible we want them to be safe from harm always.
I am a middle of the road person, so I guess it’s not surprising that I am just “Type A” enough that I can keep things laid back. The “Type A” impression I give off is always funny to me because, but I think the point is I spend very little time on being organized and the like so that I can really spend my time doing what I want to do. I also really just keep things as simple as possible, which tends to lend to an aura of “super together and organized.” The truth is I have a very supportive spouse and I don’t really do *that much.*
Anyway, I relate on many levels. There is definitely a LOT I learned about myself as a parent, and many things I do that I never would have envisioned myself doing as a parent. I honestly feel like most of the time “winging it” and being flexible gets FAR better results. I admit “just winging it” wasn’t a large part of my personality pre-kid. But when it comes to raising kids, it’s a totally different animal. Getting set in just “one way to do things” is setting one up for failure. There is a LOT of figuring out as you go. I think I have adjusted pretty darn well, but there are many areas of my life where I wouldn’t just “wing it” like that! But it is possible that parenting in general has just made me more laid back.