Betcha SHE didn't feel bad about hiring help.
Last fall I read Little Women for the first time in at least ten years, and had quite a revelation. You may remember how the book opens: the four March sisters, Meg, Jo, Amy and Beth, are in the middle of an epic complain-fest about poverty. Papa lost the family fortune when the oldest girls were small, he’s now far away from their “plain, but comfortable” New England home serving as a pastor for Union soldiers in the Civil War. The older girls work to help support the family, there is much talk of the drudgery of housework and chores, and worse, Christmas is coming and their mother “Marmee” has suggested they will be getting no gifts.
Just after you’ve really gotten picture that this family is not doing so hot financially and has a whole lotta work on their hands, another character enters the scene: Hannah, the family’s live-in servant.
Whaaaa?
The Marches weren’t unique. Going by the extensive reading of free and/or inexpensive classic novels I’ve on my Kindle over the past year, many-perhaps most-“ordinary” families had some kind of hired help back then, even those who weren’t very well off: whether it was a teen girl helping out in the kitchen, a boy to work on the farm or a local woman “taking in” the wash or even live-in cooks, nannies and other servants, having “help” was just an accepted fact of life among the middle classes.
Things have changed pretty dramatically in the American home over the last century or so-economically, socially and technologically. And while families in the highest income brackets may still matter-of-factly employ full-time household staff, for the rest of us hiring outside help has become more…complicated. We wonder if we seem snobby, entitled, spoiled? Are we exploiting the person we’re hiring? And…hey, with all these modern advances, shouldn’t we really be able to do it all, all by ourselves, if we maybe just tried a little harder?
But while our jobs are probably less physically demanding than our great-great-grandmothers’ were, that doesn’t necessarily mean our lives are simpler. With more choice comes complication and busy-ness, and I think, less of a feeling of knowing when we’ve done “enough.” Plus, we’ve got so many roles to grapple with, we fear shortchanging one area will compromise our identities: can I really call myself a ‘homemaker’ if I don’t do all the work myself?
Right now, I have part-time household help-3-4 hours at a time, twice a month. For the majority of my life as a mom and homemaker I did not have outside help, and it was pretty manageable when I lived in a small home with two preschool-aged kids. Another kid or three, a larger house, a book contract or two, pregnancies, infants, a traveling spouse…all of those things created a new brew of circumstances that led to there being more and more gaps between the things that were important to me and the things that actually got done. Something was always getting overlooked, whether getting dinner on the table, meeting my deadlines, remembering to check the kids’ homework, or cleaning the floors. Eventually that reality led me to the decision to hire help. Sometimes that’s meant child care and no cleaning service, sometimes it’s meant a cleaning service and no child care, and sometimes, when things have been really hectic, I’ve had both. (On the other hand, there have also been stretches of time in there where our budget has allowed for neither!)
In my post about putting off, delegating, or skipping household tasks, when I mentioned that I currently have a cleaning person, it led to an interesting discussion in the comments section. One reader felt that I had not been up-front enough in the past about the fact that I have household help (I have mentioned it once or twice, but she’s right; it hasn’t been front-and-center in my homemaking posts recently.) And while the reader says she doesn’t judge my decision to hire help, she admitted that she no longer felt able to identify with me as much as a homemaker, and that it materially changed the way she viewed my perspective and advice on cleaning, organizing, and managing a home.
I do see her point. While 7 or 8 hours of help each month doesn’t give me a “get out of housework free” card, it definitely does lighten my load, freeing up time I would be mopping the floor or scrubbing the tub for other things. And for a few minutes, I felt defensive. My life isn’t easy! I wanted to respond. I only have help because I really NEED it!
But what is “easy”, what is “need” and why would somebody hiring help make us think less-or even differently-about their skill or advice as a home manager? Whether we recognize it or not, I think my initial defensive reaction to my reader’s comment-and likely, her opinion as well-stem from our collective modern American uneasiness with the idea of hired household help. We think it sounds nice, but maybe a little…indulgent. Something that makes us a little soft and spoiled. On the other hand, I’m guessing housewives from the 1800’s just saw hiring help as a really efficient way of delegating the tasks that fell to them in the overall job of running a household. Sure, they could probably manage without it, but why just “manage” if they didn’t have to?
We all have factors that make our lives more or less difficult, relatively speaking, but they are a complicated and ever-changing set of factors. And they’re irrelevant, really: no matter whether it’s just you and one baby and a regular cleaning service, or you have four kids, two puppies, three birds, a home-based business and no help, I’m going to give you the same advice: to figure out what’s really important to you and your family, prioritize, delegate, break large tasks down into smaller ones, tackle messes right away when you can, use small bits of time to your advantage, and try to keep a positive attitude about it all. Hiring help isn’t a magic bullet-but it’s definitely one tool of many that can help you manage it all.
This week I’m hoping we can talk frankly about the way we feel about hired help and the way we use it-both to demystify the process, and also to de-stigmatize the idea of paying for help. Let’s talk: do you use, are you considering using, or have you used paid help? What kind of help (child care, meal service, grocery delivery, cleaning service, errand-runner, lookalike to attend PTA meetings instead of you)? When and why did you decide to hire them? How did you go about it? Did you hit any bumps in the road? Encounter any resistance from your spouse or judgment from your neighbors? Feel free to get into any details you’d like about cost, how you justify it in your budget, how many hours of help you get and how big the difference really is in your life. I’ll follow up this week with more posts about modern homemaking and how hired help can fit into the equation. Can’t wait to see the discussion unfold!
Because I work full-time out of the home, and have a long commute of almost 2 hours a day, I definitely have help. Obviously I have child care for my children while I work, but I also have a cleaning lady come in once a month to do the deep cleaning. If we could afford it, I’d have her come twice. In the beginning I felt really guilty about having her, but now I realize it’s essential. If she didn’t come, the cleaning she does simply wouldn’t get done. It’s only a small piece of help, but it really does make a difference.
Re: “Little Women” and hired help in that era — you are so right! It seems so crazy to us now. But this is actually one argument I’ve never understood. I see NO shame or guilt or anything negative about hiring someone to clean your house. Growing up, my family was by no means wealthy, but we always had a “cleaning lady” who came twice a month. My parents were both busy teachers and never explained or apologized for it at all. Nor should they. Until recently, I had a cleaning service every 2 weeks, too. There are so many things I’d rather be doing with my time, and so many other places I’m willing to cut back, to make that possible. And as soon as things are going a little bit better for us financially, I’m hiring the cleaners back. Cleaning is SO not my forte!
I would actually love to have a cleaning person a few times a month if it was in the budget. My only issues is that I highly suspect I would frantically clean the entire house before the cleaning person came. . . which I guess kind of defeats the purpose of having someone come int.
I love this post! There are months where I *gasp* don’t mop my floor or scrub the tubs because I just cannot find the time or energy. My husband has suggested hiring someone to pick up the tasks that I can’t accomplish and I’ll admit, I bristle at that suggestion, as though admitting that I need help is worse than letting it my home get into that kind of a state
I loved reading your perspective!
I have a cleaning lady 2x a month paid for with whatever money this blogging gig makes me. It helps so much to have that help. It’s the bathrooms and kitchen I hire her for. After 2 weeks they need a real all at once cleaning and I don’t have the energy. With 3 kids 4 and under the mess sometimes seems impossible to handle. I also have the pre-school break and fill those few hours with house cleaning, pickup, errands and that blogging stuff. I am still super tired and never feel like a have a break!
I am all for hiring help/out-sourcing whenever I can do it (and afford it). I’m a single mom, I work full time. I spend my evenings and weekends with my daughter. We play, do activities, have fun – all weekend long. My only free time is at night when she goes to sleep – and cleaning is the last thing I’m thinking of at that point. Sure, we run errands; straighten the house; and do some mundane things – but the majority of our time is spent together. I’d much rather enjoy my family than clean house (but I also want a clean and healthy house for us to live in!). I cut corners financially where I can but the cleaning lady (and the lawn mowing teenage boy) will be the last to cut!
Thanks for this discussion! We could easily afford household help, but it just feels SO indulgent. I’ve been telling myself I don’t care if I can’t remember the last time I washed the kitchen floor or if I’m dressing my kids straight from the dryer some mornings.
But you know, I *do* mind. It makes me feel like I’m failing, which is CRAZY because I work full-time, volunteer at the kids’ school, and my husband has an especially demanding assignment right now. And we *can* afford it.
I’m going to call the cleaning service my neighbors rave about and schedule an appointment. I think we would all be happier to come home to a cleaner home.
Thank you for raising this issue. I don’t think I’ll spend less time on “housework” but I think I’ll be able to spend more time on the fun stuff, like cooking from scratch and decorating for the holidays, two things I don’t really do now.
Once again, a wonderfully relevant post for my own journey as a mother. My husband and I, after nearly a decade of marriage, and nearly 15 years together in total, have only recently realized that we want a cleaner home than we are capable of providing. He works long hours at his job, both at the office and at home, and is trying to build a professional photography portfolio. I am the primary parent during the day, and take care of the house. (In other words a stay-at-home-mom.) But I’m not good at housework. I lack the skills to do it well, and a recent back injury make it difficult to complete simple tasks like thorough vacuuming and scrubbing the tub.
Coming to the understanding that getting help is necessary at this point in our lives was very hard for both of us. But we are currently pricing cleaning services in our area. I look forward to the comments on this topic.
No, we don’t have any help. I think I am just to frugal to go for it. My husband is out of town 4-5 days a week for 4-6 months at a time, I have two little kids, am working on developing a small business, and have plenty on my plate, but I do my best to keep up. I am also very careful about how I spend my money and can’t justify a cleaning person or someone to shovel/do yard work/etc. My goal is to clean everything in my house once a month (with things like bathrooms and counter tops and sweeping obviously happening more often). Sometimes it doesn’t all get done, but I try. I mentioned my plan to my willingly childless sister and she said “some people clean even less frequently than that,” implying that my approach was barely tolerable. So I guess I don’t do it all, but I do enough to feel good.
Erica-this was my biggest obstacle, too, the frugal thing. Especially having grown up in a house where we rarely spent money unnecessarily for ANYTHING.
If you’re happy with your situation, that’s all that matters. I think for ME, I found that investing money in some areas (like cleaning, for example) led to freeing up time to earn more than that. So it was more a business decision, really, than anything else. But I wouldn’t have seen it the same way when I was just getting my business off the ground…and I was in the same position as you then, with an always traveling husband and two little kids.
Come to think of it, maybe I’m just getting old and tired
I’m here to tell you that definitely clean less than that! You’re an ace in my book.
@Christine: Coffees & Commutes-not trying to be snarky/rude, just curious-how messy can a house get if you are at work all day and the kid(s) are at childcare? or do you have a live-in nanny so they mess the place up? I wonder if people just have really high standards of clean. It’s kind of my personal “thing” that if I can’t take care of my own home/own number of children, then I have too big a home or too many children. I get why others do it, since, having just one, child I am busier with housework than I’d rather be (I’d rather have ZERO housework, natch) but, I still wouldn’t pay someone else to clean my house. To me, it’s just kind of the dues you pay in life.
“paying dues” is an interesting way of looking at it. I guess I see managing a home as a necessary activity, but it’s not necessarily something that all has to or even should fall to one person. To me it’s not about being unable to care for my home, but choosing to spend some of that time (key words SOME OF-I still spend plenty of time cleaning!) doing other things, like working, for example.
Yes. Why not get help if you can? There’s no virtue in remaining over burdened if you don’t have to be. Its not winning you a place in heaven over somebody who is less frazzled.
For me, it only gets “overburdening” once in a while if I decide to do a big cleaning/organizing project or some home improvement thing. Then after I am done, I’d rather use the money I would have paid someone else to do something nice for myself to reward the labor. The day-to-day upkeep just flows naturally though. You see a mess, you wipe it. You pick up as you go. I do little bits of things in my spare time between other things like working, exercising, playing with my kid, messing around online or reading. That’s what I don’t get about it being so hard. Y’all must keep much cleaner homes than me. Of course, I have only one child and a smaller house, but I like that I am master of my domain (I also have a semi-helpful husband who cooks half the time and does his own laundry…he makes attempts at cleaning, but I really have to take the lead there.) By “paying dues” I don’t mean virtue or “winning a place in heaven” I just mean taking care of what’s mine. I would not feel comfortable having someone clean my house.
I think it comes down to personal preference and only having 1 kid. I remember having people over who said “just wait until there is 2”. I didn’t want to believe an extra body would exponentially up the mess, but boy, did he. I do little bits in between too, but went 2? 3? months without vaccuuming the bedrooms before we rehired the cleaning service. They come once a month and I’m hoping the budget will soon allow me to make it every 2 weeks, or even every week. A clean house makes me happy. Cleaning does not.
“I think it comes down to personal preference and only having 1 kid.”
Tru dat! Part of the reason I am only having one : )
I cleaned houses to put myself through massage school after my divorce. Eight years of marriage while being a stay at home mom left me with few skills I could market. Now that I work for myself, I trade massage services for cleaning with a friend from church who cleans professionally. Even though my husband is currently unemployed, we still retain the cleaning services because of the value I place on my time and energy. I DID take care to set up clear boundaries and expectations with my friend when we made our arrangement to avoid misunderstandings and hurt feelings.
I cleaned houses as well and I find it funny all the people who say that they would clean like crazy just before the cleaning woman came. The house I remember the clearest was a house with two small children. The mother worked part-time and when we came we always cleaned the bathtub, toilet and bathroom counter, vacuumed everything, mopped, dusted, put dishes in the sink and rinsed them, took out the trash, and changed the bed sheets.
In my own home, this is something I try to do once a week in an hour-long block (this isn’t much of a feat for me since my home is pretty tiny) but for a mom who worked part-time and whose home was on the larger side, it was difficult, at best.
If I had the money, now, I would probably hire someone to come do these things at my house. Even once a month would ease up a significant amount of time for me.
My husband and I started hiring a cleaning lady to come twice a month 6 or so years ago (before having children). I’m a very frugal person and hated the idea, but was working a very demanding full-time job while going back to school for my masters. Between work and school assignments I hardly had time to sleep, much less keep the house clean. The decision was really about survival at that point. Once I finished my degree we kept the cleaning service, but I always felt guilty about it.
We had decided once we had our first child that I would become a stay-at-home mom and, given the new financial constraints on our household and all of the “free time” I would have at home, we had planned on discontinuing the cleaning service. Once our son was born, though, taking care of a newborn and then a toddler was harder than I ever imagined. Then I went back to work part-time. End result is that we still have the cleaning lady, and I feel so much guilt about it it’s not even funny. I’m constantly asking myself what is wrong with me that I can’t keep up with only one child and maintain my house without help when I don’t even work full time?? I struggle with it constantly.
I think in the end, though, I feel that being able to have more time to be present with my son is more important than the jab to my pride or the time or two less we get to eat out each month that the cleaning lady costs me.
Why should you feel guilty about hiring help? You are as busy as I am and if I could afford it, I would totally hire help. Sometimes I think we compare ourselves to our parents (or in my case spouse compares with his mom) and we who are currently parenting suffer by the comparison. My mother-in-law did 100% of the housework until the kids were old enough to do chores. My FIL is a foreigner who felt that it was his job only do earn money and take care of cars and the outside of the home (and repairs). She kept house to a higher standard than I ever will and sewed her kids clothes sometimes! But parenting was different in the olden days as well. I don’t think parents had angst about parking the little ones in front of the TV or ordering them to play outside while mom cleaned things. I didn’t have a SAHM mom myself, but I was kept by one. I actually don’t remember her interacting with me all that much when I was young. Now we would frown on that. I guess I’m just pointing out that you are in fact very busy and that if you are comparing yourself to someone older, you may be misremembering how it really was. Or not. My BFF recently posted on FB that she knew she was turning into her mother because she was mopping her floors at midnight. Is that a standard you should aspire to uphold?
Ten years ago, my husband & I had a standoff over cleaning the bathrooms. We had no kids but we both worked demanding jobs – I didn’t see housekeeping as my domain. Basically it came down to priorities – we decided we’d rather spend time with each other (and now our 4 kids & 2 dogs) than thoroughly clean the house.
In the past 10 years we’ve had someone clean our house anywhere from once a month to 3 times a month depending on our $$ situation. I can always find a way to save more or earn more so I can keep this “luxury.” And, yes, I still frantically clean the house the night before she comes.
Whatever works for you is what’s best for you! I have no guilt.
Since my oldest turned 1 year I’ve always hired some kind of “help”. I’ve always felt that my biggest need was to have some uninterrupted time without a child in tow. My husband works very long hours and travels often. I know that I need some breathing space away from the kids in order to be a good parent. When my oldest was a baby I hired a nanny 2 days a week and when each of my children turned 3 they started part-time preschool. People who take care of my children are my “help”. Our family is much better for that help.
@Angeline, Thank you for admitting that you need breathing space! This is something I am struggling with right now. My oldest is in school all day, and my little one is at home with me (he’s 20 months). My husband just took a new position at work that means even more travel. He wants me to hire a part time nanny and I just can’t get over the mental hump that I should be taking care of my own kids. But the truth is I’m not taking the best care of them if I’m at my breaking point, am I? I wish more women would admit that it’s nearly impossible to “do it all” well, and not judge each other for the amount of help we ask for or not. This discussion is fantastic!
Isn’t it amazing how long it takes us to realize we are better parents if we also take care of ourselves! I was a stay a home mom for the 1st four years of my daughter’s life and I found it SO helpful to have a few hours of time to just be a woman. At the time I was living on a military base, so I found a volunteer position that paid for childcare. My girlfriend was delighted to watch my daughter (she had 3 school age boys) for four hours a week AND get a little extra money. It was a win-win for everyone! And if you think about it, isn’t it healthy for your child to learn to adapt to other people as caregivers from an early age? Go for it!
I don’t have paid help – it’s cost prohibitive. I do, however, have 5 kids who all contribute far more than the amt of hours you pay for! I love that you’ve found a great solution that works well for your family. Not trying to do everything alone is probably the best tip ever for doing “it all!”
Bonny, good point about kids being part of the workforce. Mine are still young enough to kind of equal each other out-the two biggest help a lot, the middle child helps a little, and the younger two cause a lot more mess than they clean up. But when people ask how I “do it” with five kids, I often want to say-honestly, when some of those kids are big, it’s amazing how much work they take OFF your plate!
I have someone who cleans my house at least twice a month, sometimes every week depending on how busy my schedule is. I don’t feel guilty at all! I work part time, have 3 kids – who play soccer, guitar lessons, karate & cheering- a husband with a demanding job, a dog & an elderly mother. I am busy as is every mom. I may not “need” help but I want help. It makes me a much happier, less uptight wife & mother.
Such a great topic to discuss which I can already see, generates a healthy debate along so many different lines. The invitation to de-mystify and de-stigmatize the notion of hired help seems right on. I find myself grappling with the guilt of indulgence on the one hand and on the other hand, feeling good at having the breathing room to be not be frazzled and impatient with my child, having the time to connect with my husband, and feeling balanced. Is the notion that hired help is indulgent, unique to women? Would men grapple with it too? My husband travels so much that he is the one who insists on keeping our hired help despite my attempts to scale back because it feels luxurious.
I have four kids, a husband who travels about half the month, and a pretty much work-at-home job. When I had a couple less kids and less work, I was able to keep just fine, though I’d hire a sitter to come a couple of mornings a week just to give me some work time other than nap and bedtime.
But now with all the kids, my husband’s schedule, and my work, I have someone who comes 4 afternoons a week for 4 hours (so 16 hours a week).
We also have a cleaning person who comes twice a month. It’s insanely cheap (I’m not kidding – I tell people how much I pay and what they do – HI MY LAUNDRY AND ALL MY BEDS/SHEETS) and we’ve learned that my husband was spending all his time when he was coming home cleaning (a little OCD he is). And so, I was still with the kids, he was off cleaning, and we weren’t spending time together. For us, it definitely had to do with making our marriage work a little better.
I don’t feel bad or guilty about either – maybe more the child care than the housecleaning if I had to pick one, but I’m getting better with it. And most of all, I know that if we had any sort of financial issues, it would obviously be the first thing to go.
I very much enjoy reading this blog, but this post was very interesting and I felt like sharing my own situation. I’m a mom of three boys five and under. I unschool them, so I have them 24/7 with me. I live in Mexico, so the situation here is a little different from the States. It is more common to hire someone to help once a week, three times a week or even every day. The service is very cheap, so many people can afford it and many people needs the job, so you can find many ladies to do it. When my boys were babies I had a girl who came over once a week. She was like an angel from heaven! I felt so released to give my babies my full attention and at the same time, not seeing my house falling apart! One year ago we weren’t able to afford the service anymore and it was shocking for me. However, the whole situation has been a great lesson of empowerment for me. I’ve realized that I’m capable of doing a lot more of what I thought I was. Sometimes the limitations I see are the only ones in my head. Now we are in a better economical situation, so, many times I struggle with the idea of hiring a new lady. But then, I think about the wonderful opportunity to involve my children in housekeeping and give them invaluable tools that will help them forever. I appreciate that I was taught many useful tools in housekeeping, so I’m pretty efficient in that. Once again, I brake the limits in my head and take the decision to empower myself and then my children, and I see how wonderful our lives can be when we work together as a team to maintain the neatness of our home. My children are learning a lot and I’m enjoying to do fun activities with them as we do house chores. And surprisingly I found out that we can do it faster and faster and it doesn’t take us more than one hour per day. Then, we have free time to do other fun activities. Greetings from Mexico!
Unlike the days of “servants,” people who clean homes for a living today are not destined to that path because of their birthright. They are making an honest living and working hard to do it. Many clever women (and some men) have started companies to fill the need that has arisen for professional home cleaning services. I feel like we are denigrating or devaluing them and their services by suggesting their work is something of which we should be ashamed.
My husband and I realized early on in our marriage that we were much happier and healthier if we spent our weekends enjoying one another and not cleaning house for two solid days. When we had kids and I left the paid workforce, money became tighter, but having help was still a priority.
Because, after all, what’s so wrong with help? We used to live in tightly-knit communities with family and close friends nearby to help us communally raise our kids. My husband and I live hundreds of miles from any family and if we want a support system, we have to pay for it. Never in human history have families operated in such isolation. If I don’t have a passel of grandmommas and aunties around to help me with my children, then I am going to have to have help with something. I don’t live under the illusion that I can do it all.
Enough with the guilt, mamas. It doesn’t do anyone a bit of good.
“Unlike the days of “servants,” people who clean homes for a living today are not destined to that path because of their birthright. They are making an honest living and working hard to do it.”
Very good point, Kristine! I wrote a post about a year ago about hiring a house cleaner: http://thehappiestmom.com/?p=1168 and said this: “The concern that I might appear entitled or elitist was just plain silly, as the cleaning people I knew were from the same socioeconomic group as myself. They were independent entrepreneurs, earning a fair hourly wage, setting their own hours and helping to support their families by running a flexible small business. Gee…kind of like myself.”
I like to look at it like this: my cleaning person is making a living doing what she’s good at, freeing up my time to allow me to do what I’M good at (and love.)
Kristine, I’m glad you mentioned this.
We actually first used a cleaner (who worked for a friend of ours) right before a party we had when I was 8 months pregnant. It was really a one-time thing. I felt way too guilty and inadequate admitting that I can’t manage my own home and the idea of hiring someone really did strike me as elitist and luxurious.
But the woman actually called me again a few weeks later, asking if I was happy with the job she did, and whether we needed her to come back. Or if not, could I please refer her to any friends of mine that were looking for someone. Turns out her husband had lost his job, and she had lost a part-time gig she had doing some other type of work and she was trying to build up her cleaning business.
She really didn’t see the work she did as demeaning, wasn’t it actually more insulting to her that I did see it that way?
Once the baby came, I did call her again, and we have her every 3 weeks now (yes we need more, but that’s all we can afford right now). I referred her to several acquaintenances and friends that ended up hiring her. She now has a website & business cards and has added her young-adult daughter & her sister to her workforce. Her husband has his own nascent handy-man business, with a lot of referrals coming from her clients. Its amazing for their family, and I’m really glad I could support a hard-working, entrepreneuring mom!
“She really didn’t see the work she did as demeaning, wasn’t it actually more insulting to her that I did see it that way?”
I love it, Ana.
Hi Meagan! It’s my first time commenting, but I’ve been reading you for a while…
I live in Argentina (South America), and I find it amazing how different things are here. Everyone has help at home, and I mean EVERYONE, middle class and upper. Many, many people have maids actually living at home with them, and they take great pride in it. Personally, I don’t like this. I mean, I’d find it weird to have a person sleeping at my home, keeping her apart from her family, just so she can make my dinner at night and my breakfast in the morning! But you know, people think differently here I guess…
I do have a lady coming once a week to do all the things I neve do, like ironing or mopping the floors. I’m lazy and clueless when it comes to housekeeping, and that’s something I’d like to change. But there you have it again: even when I didn’t have my baby, she already came, to clean a house where only 2 grown-ups lived! We were so spoiled, but we never even thought about it… Everybody else was doing it!
I guess we are living in Louisa May Alcott’s times here!
This post is very timely for me! I had a baby a year ago and I’ve been working 4 days a week since coming off maternity leave. In less than two weeks I’m going back full time… and mama’s hiring a housecleaner! Luckily my increase in hours comes with an increase in pay and I know that I will drive myself and my husband crazy if I don’t get some help – it is totally worth the money! I do feel conflicted about it as you describe (shouldn’t I be able to do this myself?!?) but I’m barely holding everything together with an extra day off during the week, so I’m going to swallow my pride and get some help.
I work full time, so we have childcare for 9 hours a day. I have cleaning ladies that come every two weeks, and I use Dream Dinner for meals (which you go and prepare there – so you still cook but they do most of the prep work) which covers 12 meals out of my month.
I don’t feel bad or guilty or anything. I need the help. I have 2 children under the age of 3, and both my husband and I work full time because we love our jobs. My kids are flourishing in daycare, and I have no guilt whatsoever about spending all day Saturday hanging out with them – if I have to pay $70 every two weeks to not have to spend naptime on Sautrday cleaning toliets? I’ll do it.
Honestly? I wish I had more help. We do currently have a cleaning lady who comes in once a week, and there are many things I would cut out of the budget before I would let her slip away. I’m also hoping to find a one-day-a-week babysitter for my youngest so that I can actually get some errands and house-projects done without interruption.
I’ve realized in the past year that the blocks of time that I have to accomplish tasks are so fragmented (10 minutes here, 5 minutes there), and are always at the expense of a child that needs something, that there’s really no time for processing and organization. It’s just an attempt to get done what can be done in that small window. So, childcare help and housework help are becoming more and more integral to our happy household.
I don’t have help. But I pretty much don’t spend money on myself ever. I would guess I have spent less than $50 on myself in the last year on clothes, makeup, and craft supplies (I sew for fun!) I don’t think there’s anything wrong with hiring help, but I do think of it as a luxury!
I’m a SAHM to two young kids, with a small house, numerous hairy pets and a well-loved sandbox out back. I LOVE my cleaning ladies. They come every other week and do a deep clean of the whole house & change the sheets. It’s wonderful. The thing is… I’m still cleaning ALL THE TIME. The day to day upkeep of kids/house/pets continually astounds me, 4+ years into this gig.
I do consider having cleaning ladies a luxury – it’s the first thing on the chopping block when money’s tight. We’ve had to “fire” them before, and will likely have to again.
My issue is this: I’m embarrassed to tell some friends that we have a cleaning lady. These are people that are quite frugal or have very tight finances. Yet with other friends, those that are more well-off, I have no qualms talking about it. It bothers me that I feel this way.
This is such an interesting topic – thank you for delving into it!
I have had a cleaning gal come twice a month since my third baby was a couple months old, and I live in Canada where we have maternity leave for a year, so yep, I’m home and still have her come. The choice to have her come was a matter of stress. Having survived a serious marriage crisis, we realized that anything we could do to reduce stress was well worth it, and keeping house and home – stress! Our gal does the floors and bathrooms. I can live with dust and pretty much everything else that I don’t manage to do. She recently broke her leg and has been unable to come, which was a nice enforced test to see if I really still need her. I DO! Sure enough, we are more stressed and realize the biggest benefit (potentially) is that having her come twice a month forces us to do a big tidy – put everything away, organize, de-clutter – so that she can do her job efficiently. Without that pressure, things have been going un-done and building up. She is well worth it! Saving stress, saving a marriage, keeping 3 kids in a 2-parent home – priceless.
With my husband being from India, having help is no big deal to him. In fact, as part of our pre-marriage counseling, it was his idea to get a cleaning service when we discussed the “division of household duties”. A year later, when we moved into the bigger house with a matching yard, we added lawn service to the outside help category. At the time, I was working outside the home, no kids. Even after I quit the outside job while pregnant to stay home with our son, we still kept the cleaning service and lawn service. 2 years ago, we went through a budget overhaul and cut both services.
We talk about doing the household help again – I really appreciated the schedule and frankly, they do a better job than I do at it.
Believe me, I got really mixed reactions when folks found out we had a cleaning service. Some judgmental, some definitely jealous, some indifferent. But for my husband, he had never questioned it because that is how it was done when he was growing up – his SAHM mother ALWAYS had help in the house and they were very middle-class, not rich in the least.
Over the years, I’ve also hired babysitters to come in and give me an hour here and there as a break. I’ve gotten similarly weird reactions to that, as well.
It’s a shame that someone would say they can’t relate to you any longer just because you have some help. I have yet to find ANY mother who is in the exact same position as I am in, yet I still manage to find so many gals with whom I can relate as we all navigate the stormy waters of motherhood.
This is a great topic! I have 3 boys within 19 months of each other. My husband worked 80 hours a week until a recent car accident, and we still couldn’t make ends meet. I couldn’t afford help, but I was NOT the mother I would want to be. I was tired, stressed, sick, and my introverted soul had no space.
Since Hubby’s accident he’s been home more, able to give me that space. I started my blog, take naps, and even got to take a weekend retreat. I’m seriously like a new person. As he recovers, we’ve both realized that I can’t go back to to the way things were. We will be getting a mother’s helper/nanny to help me get some writing time. I hadn’t considered cleaning help, but I am now!
@MamaMeYeah: Not all of us have control over the number of children (and thus the amount of space we need) that God gives us. My twins were a surprise, but I don’t think they are “too many children.” I might need help at times, but that doesn’t mean I have too much; I have just the number God wanted for me.
Beyond that first set of twins, you really *do* have control over your fertility/how many children you have, if you are a woman of means (apparently enough means to hire household help) currently living in the U.S. That, too, is your choice, of course, but please, no disingenuous “I have no control over the number of children I have” nonsense!
Thank you for saying that. Some people are willing to cede control over when they get pregnant, but it is possible to choose how and when if you desire to.
No method of birth control is 100% other than total abstinence. Other more commonly used methods of birth control (the Pill, etc.) are not 100%. Even vasectomies and having your tubes tied occasionally can result in an unplanned pregnancy. Check out the percentages here: http://www.uhc.com/source4women/womens_health_topics/birth_control.htm
Yeah, yeah, yeah…people *always* say that. You don’t get 4 and 5 (or more) kid families by “mistake” unless you are really dumb.
Perhaps others would see your “hired help” differently if it was termed in another way. Babysitters and mothers’ helpers are definitely hired help, but there are no stigmas tied to these jobs. Perhaps we just need to re-think this area of our lives.
For instance, I had to wonder if the same person who balked at hiring help in the home has any problem being waited on, cooked for, and cleaned up after at a restaurant.
Our daughter was delighted to spend a day or two each month with the mothers of many children in our circle of friends. Her experiences working alongside these delightful women have made her the gracious and godly woman she is today. They always insisted on paying her, but she never set a fee and saw it as “on-the-job” training for her future role as the keeper of her own home.
Check out your local homeschool group for referrals.
“For instance, I had to wonder if the same person who balked at hiring help in the home has any problem being waited on, cooked for, and cleaned up after at a restaurant.” I wondered that too, Marcia. The reality is, we live in a world where we are constantly exchanging money for assistance and/or convenience of some sort. The cleaning person definitely has a stigma attached that a babysitter or waitress does not.
OK, now I’m feeling a weensy bit defensive (Marcia – I’m the commenter that Meagan mentions in this post). I just wanted to reiterate something that I think Meagan eventually understood from my comments. I was in no way questioning at the fact of people hiring help. I have no problem with people paying other people to clean their homes.
The issue for me was that learning that Meagan has some hired cleaning help really changed how I perceived her posts on cleaning and organizing. In short, they became less relevant for me. Because in my eyes, having even a few hours of hired cleaning help removes a LOT of pressure-not just to get stuff done, but also to feel that I’m on top of things as a mom and homemaker. I won’t rehash the whole discussion…you can look back at the comments if you’re interested. Suffice it to say that I was not questioning the idea of hiring household help.
But to use the restaurant/food prep analogy to get at my point, consider this. Let’s say I became a fan of a blogger who wrote a lot about how to get healthy, wholesome family meals on the table every night. Let’s say I liked this blogger because her perspective and situation seemed similar to mine; she wasn’t one of those foodie types who tell you that your kids will eat calamari and brussels sprouts if you prepare them well and serve them often. So, as someone who wants to get a healthy family meal on the table every night but struggles with just how to do that, I start reading this blog, appreciating the blogger’s advice on how to use shortcuts in the kitchen to prepare healthy stuff and arrange family schedules and involve kids in cooking and prep stuff ahead of time and cook big batches so you have leftovers, etc. Then, I learn in one post that this blogger stops to pick up freshly prepared, healthy take-out food from a local restaurant at least once a week. Or maybe I learn that the college kid who watches her kids three afternoons a week loves to cook, and often does some of the dinner prep for her. Learning those facts would change my perception of how relevant and useful the blogger’s advice is TO ME. They would change the whole scenario, because I can’t afford good take-out once a week and don’t have a paid college kid in my house three afternoons a week who is willing to help me get dinner on the table. I wouldn’t criticize the blogger for turning to a restaurant or a college kid to help feed her family, because there’s nothing wrong with that. But I might find her advice less relevant and useful to me.
That’s essentially the dynamic with how my perspective on Meagan’s blog changed when I learned she has some paid help. It just made the advice a little less relevant. Though of course, I’m still here and plan to keep reading, so I guess in the end it’s not really that big a deal. And I’m finding this whole conversation really interesting so for that reason I’m glad I left my curmudgeonly comment a few days ago!
I have a bit of a different experience with hired help. Until recently, I’ve been living in developing countries were everyone and their brother had hired help. Cooks, cleaners, divers, nannies, the works. It was even suggested that I hire a gardener to water the two plants I had on my balcony. (I did not do this, btw!)
Among my peers (many of them North Americans) there was never any hand wringing about the morality of paying people for domestic services. People were thrilled to farm out their domestic chores. But there was a whole lot of complaining about the fact that the maid didn’t scrub behind the toilets, folded the socks wrong, or perhaps left 15 minutes early.
I always felt that I was paying the domestic workers peanuts (and I paid well by the local standards) and I didn’t really care if things were not done perfectly. I was just happy not to have to scrub the toilet myself.
Now, back in a developed country, and a SAHM to an 11 month old, I still use help. Not cleaning anymore, because I strangely derive a sense of accomplishment from scrubbing my bathroom, but I pay for childcare for two hours, twice a week. It costs about fifty dollars a week. And I don’t feel bad about it one bit. My husband works all the time, I’m basically a single parent in a strange country with no support system, so paying for four hours a week of “me time” is not something I feel guilty about.
In my experience, the view of a house cleaner as a luxury is a cultural thing… in my (admittedly middle class) circles, most people I know in Switzerland (where I live) and Australia (where I come from) have a house cleaner, without any guilt attached. Personally, while we can clean our house we would rather not, and since we can afford to pay for a cleaner, we happily do so. We pay for everything else that makes our lives comfortable and easier (e.g., washing machine vs washing by hand), I don’t see a house cleaner as any different.
I also agree with a point made above – we pay our cleaner a fair rate, and she gets social security benefits because she is working, so I don’t feel we are exploiting her but rather providing stable employment with flexible conditions to someone who has limited other choices (I don’t mean this to sound like I think we are her saviors or anything, just that we are fair employers rather than exploiters).
Also, I don’t think having the house cleaner is “spoiling” us or making us lazy – we still do all the day to day cleaning after all! The kids (6 and 3) are required to tidy up their things, as well as clean up any other big mess they make. I’ve even started getting them to vacuum under the table after meals in the hope that this will make them eat more tidily, and I point out it’s not fair to leave such “extra” mess for the cleaning lady.
I’m the obnoxious reader who started the comment thread last time around about hired help! That was actually a very helpful discussion for me. It made me realize that finding the funds to hire some cleaning help once or twice a month is a priority over the next year. As Meagan and I discussed in that thread, I think the greatest advantage of having cleaning help (based on my one time having it when I was undergoing cancer treatment, as well as talking to friends who have it) is not so much that I wouldn’t have to scrub showers and mop floors so often, though that would be nice. I think it’s the psychic space it would give me. When I fall into bed at the end of the day, having squeezed in dishes and laundry and maybe mopping the floor, I often feel defeated. I did all that, and my shower still has a scum of pink mildew and my floors are all covered with crumbs. If I knew that cleaning help was coming in a few days, I think I could let that stuff go and feel more satisfied with all of the work I do. It might not feel quite so endless. “Oh well,” I could say, “so the shower is nasty. At least so-and-so will be here on Thursday!” Instead of, “Argh. I’ve GOT to get to that shower. When am I going to do that?”
Yesterday I heard one of those news reports about how much mothers/housewives should be paid if they were paid for all they do. If you look at our work in that context-as valuable work that other people are paid to do-then hiring help makes sense as a way to run your “business” more efficiently.
Last point (promise): I don’t have any paid help right now. But I do work from home, finishing a book manuscript that is due next week. I have worked out a child care swap with a friend. She watches my preschooler two afternoons a week. In return, I babysit her three kids for about two weekend evenings a month. I have some friends who regularly swap housecleaning for other help that they need. So that’s another way to get some help without forking over money. It does have its drawbacks, but it has worked for me to get the child care I need.
Ellen, you aren’t obnoxious at all. I’m so glad you brought this up because it really got me thinking and inspired this post, and wow-I can see this is a seriously loaded topic that needs to be brought to light! So thanks!
To add on to your comment about swapping with a friend-I have found that that cleaning with a friend (we’ll do my bathrooms this Thursday and your basement next Tuesday or whatever) makes the job seem so much more social, manageable, and fun that it can give you a little boost of energy even though you’re still, yannow, CLEANING.
I really appreciate your perspective. Since I quit working to stay home with our son (now two sons!), I’ve struggled with feeling like I need some help with the housework but that I should be able to handle it on my own. For the first two years (with only one infant/toddler around), I managed reasonably well. After my second son was born, and we got posted to a new place with a significantly larger house, I just was not able to keep up. I found myself snapping at my older son because he was following me around begging me to read to him or play with him but I had to scrub the bathrooms or dust the furniture. My husband and I were both frustrated with the state of the house, and I felt like I was failing. Thank you for this post, it articulates what I’ve felt about hiring help but have been unable to express!
Oops, I hit “post” before I was done typing! I meant to add that a few months ago we hired help to come in and clean once a week, and it’s made a huge difference for us. We don’t get to choose our housing, and while this place is great and gives us plenty of space it was totally overwhelming for me to try to clean and keep up with two little boys.
Thanks for writing this post! I don’t feel like “hired help” in the home is indulgent at all, as long as you are working hard & don’t have time to fulfill the task on your own. I work from home FT and have had a college girl come in since my daughter was 9 weeks to care for her while I make calls/ focus on e-mails 5 hours a day. In the last 2 months now that my daughter is almost 9 months I have started going out for client lunches & attending more meetings. I chose this route instead of daycare & fortunately my employer has allowed me this work situation. My “nanny” costs for 5 hours a day possibly what most people pay for a full day with a daycare, but I love having the ability to peek in at my daughter at any given time during the day or just hear her laughter from my office while I’m trying to squeeze as much into those 5 hours as possible. I have cut out our cleaning service and get up an hour early or stay up an hour later to try to keep up with it, but bottom line, it’s hard. With out help I would not be able to fulfill my job responsibilities, so for me it is a necessity. As you mentioned, times have changed, many homes are 2 income households and having help is the only option to allow for both parents to stay employed. My husband owns a small construction company, he has the ability to call me during the day to send out documentation or follow up on invoices. On the day the nanny calls in sick or can’t make it, my husband rearranges his schedule so I can make it in for a meeting. We work with one another in order to allow us to be successful as a family when utilizing help when it is needed. I believe recognizing where you need help can make you more productive/ successful in what you & your family do. It would be hard for me to believe that you didn’t have help with everything you have on your plate & you do successfully : ) I believe its a step in the right direction if you can capitalize on time to do something constructive while utilizing help. I look at every minute of the day as an opportunity to get something done & further our growth as a family…sometimes I have to put that belief in the back of my head when 9pm hits and the baby is in bed and I indulge in my skinny girl margarita though : )
Someone said that when they were a cleaning lady they did these things and that’s what they’d pay someone to do now: “we always cleaned the bathtub, toilet and bathroom counter, vacuumed everything, mopped, dusted, put dishes in the sink and rinsed them, took out the trash, and changed the bed sheets.” What I don’t understand is how people would WAIT for someone to come and do these things for them, say, on a Wednesday or something, if the trash is full and needs to go out NOW, or there is grime on a counter or the tub NOW. I mean, just take care of little things NOW when they happen/don’t let them pile up and it’s not such a big problem. My strategy is “clean and you go” day to day, then once a month or every couple of months (if I’m having guests over for a meal or having a houseguest or something) I do more major cleaning up.
The argument about the Little Women and families of the 1800s makes me laugh a little since they didn’t have washing machines and all the other myriad appliances we had. They didn’t run to the grocery store quickly or have easy-to-make quick meals. Running a household was a whole other animal then. To me, running a household is really just small things one does in the background and I don’t attribute some great weight or importance to it, with the modern conveniences we have now.
That said, too, I don’t see how those meal assembly places really help people either. I mean, you have to GO to the place and pay extra for their ingredients. There’s no creativity, either. I don’t see what’s so hard about putting together simple meals, most things can be done in 30-45 minutes. I think people just make too much of it all, really. But, this is just my opinion. If you want to blow your money on these things, that’s y’all’s choice.
Mama, “clean as you go” is absolutely my strategy. That said, when there are multiple household residents missing the toilet when they pee or getting toothpaste on the sink, it is easy for it to add up faster than you can “go” with it. I’m not complaining-like you point out, it was my choice to have a bunch of mess-making kids-but just saying, that’s my reality.
“To me, running a household is really just small things one does in the background and I don’t attribute some great weight or importance to it, with the modern conveniences we have now. ”
I would probably have agreed with you on this 13 years ago, but now that I have older children, I see things completely differently. Helping them learn to manage their lives-for which it is necessary to have a smoothly-running household-is a huge job and one that takes up a lot of my time.
Don’t knock the meal assembly place until you try it. I thought it was lame at first too, but for me (I’ve been doing it for over 4 years now) they do all the prep work (including finding a receipe and shopping). I go there, take about 30 minutes to assemble 12 meals – and then, on days that I’m going to be suepr busy I pull them out the freezer and have an amazing dinner that I would have never had otherwise. I also find that I’m SAVING money, because when I go to the store (once a week because that is all I have time for) and buy food for the whole week, we end up wasting a lot because we were too busy to cook, or veggies go bad or whatever. When someone suggested it to me at first, I thought it was a waste, but seriously – it’s a great time saver.
I’m so glad you shared your perspective on this. I’ve thought about it in the past, but I’ve never gone as far as really looking into it. I may just have to now. THanks.
I would also add that *everyone* seems to want to call themselves “middle class” (see link). My parents and grandparents never had help…I guess we all should just consider ourselves “poor” then (ha ha)? The notion of “hired household help” is just completely oddball to me and definitely something I perceive that “the rich” do, and so, because middle class emulation of “the rich” seems gauche and distastefully bourgeois to a post-punk, DIY person like me.
http://motherjones.com/kevin-drum/2011/04/rich-man-poor-man
Thanks for the link. I know one reason many people “feel” middle class (and why many poor are perceived as middle class) is that in the U.S. even poor people often still have many of the small luxuries/conveniences like tvs, cell phones and cars. Having access to credit has allowed the poorest in our country to have a higher standard of living.
I also agree (and have read in multiple places before) that people tend to think of themselves as middle-class whether they are or not, either because they’re emulating people who earn more than them, or because they grew up middle class and are having a hard time adjusting to their new financial reality as adults.
I grew up poor with an extremely frugal, DIY mom who managed really well on a very small income, and as an adult I take a lot of pride in and put a lot of importance on being able to do things myself, so I understand the mindset you’re coming from. But it seems unfair to suggest that people hire cleaning help to emulate the rich. If you saw the 10-year-old beater minivan in my driveway you’d know that’s about my last priority.
Great topic. I recently hired someone to clean every other week. I used to think of it as a luxury that I could do without, but I realized that having my house in order is important to me. I still vacuum and wipe things down constantly, I just know that the deep cleaning is done. It gives me a little more time to focus on making better meals, or spending time at my kids’ various activities and sports without worrying that I should be home cleaning the bathrooms. It also frees up time for me to tend to clutter control. Like you mentioned, there are times when this is possible, and times when it is not. Since I work full time outside of the home, there was a time when my children were small and were in daycare and outside cleaning help wasn’t feasible.
My husband and I both work full-time out of the home so we have help in the form of childcare. However, since that help is only while we are at work I don’t feel like it’s an indulgence, it’s a necessity for us to keep a roof over our head and food on the table.
Speaking only for myself this “she admitted that she no longer felt able to identify with me as much as a homemaker, and that it materially changed the way she viewed my perspective and advice on cleaning, organizing, and managing a home.” I agree with. It’s not that I think you are anyone who hires help (and for me cleaning help in particular) are spoiled or don’t know anything about managing household chores, it just that your advice, doesn’t apply to me.
I can’t and probably never will be able to afford a cleaning service so kind of like when Gwyneth Paltrow dishes out advice without acknowledging all her privileges and help, it rings hollow. Paltrow is an extreme example, and I know your situation is different. But, when I think about how hard it is for me to do all the organizing and cleaning I want to do and then I read about your (or anybody who hires some help) latest organizing success, I can’t help but think, “Yeah, I could tackle the pantry if I had someone to mop and dust, but I don’t and those things take priority.”
“and then I read about your (or anybody who hires some help) latest organizing success, I can’t help but think, “Yeah, I could tackle the pantry if I had someone to mop and dust, but I don’t and those things take priority.””
See, I think this is a great example of how different we all are when it comes to what matters to us. My pantry would always take priority over mopping and dusting, because I could not function in the pantry the way it was before. Clean floors are nice but they don’t mean the difference between being able to get a healthy meal on the table or not. I’ve been a full-time working mom with no help, I’ve been a full-time SAHM with no help, and everything in between-and knowing myself, I know I’d still have made time for that pantry. It was a disaster!
Plus, we all have so many different factors that go into whether or not we can tackle a task. My cleaning person didn’t take the kids out of the house for an afternoon so I could organize the pantry. My husband did. His help is much more instrumental to my getting those kinds of things done than any paid outside help, though of course all those things work together. There’s never just one answer or one factor you can pinpoint that says “ah-ha, this is what allows this person to be able to do X!” That’s why I think we can’t compare ourselves to other people, we can only live the lives we actually have. That said, I always find looking at photos of other people’s projects inspiring, even if they aren’t necessarily something I would or could tackle myself right now.
This is the hard part about blogging: you can’t possibly share every detail of your life at once. My “help” status has always been transient, changing with the circumstances of my life. And like I said, for most of my life as a mom I’ve had none at all-not even child care. So I’d like to think I’m not quite as clueless as Gwyneth (LOL) I know you were using that as an extreme example, so here’s another extreme example. Look at somebody like Martha Stewart (again, EXTREME example since I’m nothing like her!). Now, we all know that Martha probably has a full-time staff of 100+ people helping her do all of “her” projects. But when she started out learning these homemaking skills, I’m guessing she had far less help, or maybe no help. So I still respect her knowledge and instruction, even though I know she now lives in a world about as far removed from mine as humanly possible.
Again, it’s probably a bad analogy because I’m not and don’t want to be anything like Martha. But I think past experience counts as much as current experience-I might not have a newborn right this moment, but that doesn’t mean I don’t know what it’s like to have a newborn, or that I am not sensitive to the needs and challenges of a person with a newborn, yk? So, you don’t have to think my advice applies to you, but please do know that I’m coming at every topic from the perspective of having lived about as many different kinds of lives as a mom as there are, from single working mom to full-time SAHM, so I have a lot of empathy, respect and undestanding for women in all different situations…and I apply it every time I post.
Megan, I want to add that I will still be reading your blog because I do find a lot of what you say about being a mother and about marriage very helpful and inspiring. Just depending on the topic, I may add a grain of salt to it. ?
Love what you’ve said here, Meagan! Hear hear!
This is a very useful topic for me. I cleaned houses as a teen to make extra money, and all my clients were elderly. Where I come from, it is extremely unusual for anyone under the age of 80 to have household help. When my extended family wanted to hire a cleaning service for my grandparents, it took a couple of years to wear down their resistence (“We’re not THAT old!). I have this idea that doing everything yourself = being an independent adult. But then, my mom didn’t work 40 hours a week, and I do. And my extended family are all near each other, and I live thousands of miles away.
So I’m uncomfortable with help, but I sure need it. Right now, I can’t afford it (no raises in 3 years for me & DH). Once a month would be enough, and focus on the big projects that are hard to do piecemeal. I can do the as-you-go stuff, but if you want the place CLEAN, sometimes you need to pull out all the stops! (I assure you, my place is not all-caps clean, and probably won’t be unless I get some help!)
I have 2 hours a week of cleaning. I couldn’t keep up and I run two businesses from home while caring for my 3 children (one of which is in school fulltime). She does floors and bathrooms which I believe are essential basics for our family that I simply couldn’t keep up with. It’s a luxury for us, for sure. Such a huge weight lifted for me though! Completely and totally worth every penny!!! I feel zero guilt about it.
We’ve never had hired help outside the occasional evening babysitter for date night. My mom lives an hour and a half away and visits once a week which has made things much easier. I love the idea of help but it doesn’t square with our finances and priorities…would rather take a nice family vacation…and I will get much anticipated time to myself next year when both kids are in school full time.
That said, I think, “Get help if you can get it” is absolutely valid homemaking advice and, while I may be slightly jealous, wouldn’t discredit you for saying it.
Wow, some of these comments were making me feel defensive about my choices…I’m trying hard to remember that everyone’s family & life is different and as wrong as it is for me to judge others, its equally wrong to allow myself to be made insecure by a stranger’s criticisms (hope that made sense!)
For us, the decision to hire cleaning help was more to spare the mental energy worrying about the chores (and the strain on our relationships when every spare weekend moment was devoted to the to-do list instead of enjoying each other) than to actually eliminate the physical need to do them. We have a lady come every 3 weeks; there is PLENTY of need for clean-as-you-go in between those visits. But some of the bigger chores are off the plate (dusting, mopping the top floors, scrubbing the tub) and the little things can be put off if needed because I know they will be taken care of when she comes. We still spend plenty of time daily and on the weekends in home-maintenace (and I wouldn’t say our house is truly “clean” or even “company ready” most times), but its good-enough and we are much less stressed about it.
Someone above questioned how a house could get “that dirty” if both parents work all day & there is one child in daycare. Well, add a very shed-y dog to the mix and you’ve got our situation. Let me tell you, there is plenty of mess to be made between 6-9 in the AM and 5-8 in the PM when we’re home with a toddler that likes playing in the dirt (and running from inside to outside with dirt-covering hands & feet), grazing & throwing food, rubbing sticky hands on every surface, 90% of our meals are cooked at home, and the aforementioned dog (who also likes throwing her “kong” toy around so that bits of biscuit fall out here & there).
I find completely ridiculous the assumption that the fact that we have chosen to hire a professional business to handle some of this means we have more house, kids & pets than we should have.
Thank you for saying that (about how a house gets “dirty” when both parents are working full-time and have one child in daycare). We have 2 kids in daycare and don’t have a dog, but I can competely relate to you. Between the time we are home in the morning before work/daycare and the time in the evening after work/daycare, the house can get pretty messy pretty quickly. Heck, 5 minutes after I have just finished straightening the family room, it can get messy pretty quickly. Why? Because I have kids. Kids make messes. Whether you have 1 or 5, kids will be kids (and we should let them be), and things will get messy with them around, especially when they are young.
When I was six months pregnant, my doc put me on bedrest for the remainder of my pregnancy. This was in June, mind you. I asked my hubby if he wanted me to hire us some help and he said no, he’d like to try to manage. So for a couple of months, he worked full-time, cleaned the house by himself and mowed the grass. One day I realized he was burned out. I asked him again about hiring help and this time he agreed. We kept the service until little man was four months old. Two things happened. First of all I realized just how much little man cost (or how little I made after I paid my working expenses) and had a money shock. Then an expensive, new video game went missing from our home. We hired a service because we did not want to be in the position of trying to pay taxes ourselves, or worry that we were breaking the law by not paying them. One day, one of our regular cleaning ladies was out and there was a new lady with them. After that we noticed the game missing. You hate to think this way. Cleaning is an honorable way to earn money and I always felt it was so, I dunno, just wrong to worry that someone you pay to clean your home might steal something from it. I honestly hadn’t considered the possibility because we aren’t that well-off and so don’t have much of value that a person could walk off with. That being said, I never felt guilty one minute for having had hired help and if I could afford it again I would. Perhaps that’s just because my mother hired help whenever she could.
Whew, Mamas! My blood pressure spiked as I read through those comments. . . Envy and pride are my tendencies as a mother — this touched on both nerves. What a provocative topic, Meagan!
Several years ago, as my husband/Army dude went through a 15-month Afghanistan deployment (his third), I had a college student come over twice a week. She blessed my three children with her presence. She blessed me with her energy and encouragement. She was like family. While our family was stationed overseas, we connected with a beautiful woman who came and helped me with our house twice a month. We cooked together and we literally cleaned together. She was thousands of miles from home herself and had no family nearby. Her story captured my heart and my imagination. She is still is a dear friend. I do not currently have help with our home. I have missed the “psychic space” (thanks, Ellen!) that those helping hands provided. I miss the relationships even more.
This summer, as DH returns to Afghanistan and our family moves to a new military assignment, I do wonder if there will be a person who will become like a member of our family, providing help and being blessed by our family in turn. For me, it comes down to priorities, as some have said. I do not feel comfortable having help that is separated from a relationship with my helpers.
The idea of “disclosure” is an interesting one, Meagan. It’s something I weigh in my own writing. . . and that’s a personal call. I think “the Happiest Mom” is the mom who lives out her calling as an individual. . . leans into the story her life is meant to tell. . . and checks her motives on a regular basis. As I’m doing now.
Press on, Mamas.
“I think “the Happiest Mom” is the mom who lives out her calling as an individual. . . leans into the story her life is meant to tell. . . and checks her motives on a regular basis. As I’m doing now. :-)”
Amen to that, wise mama!
Interesting article, thanks. I liked the comment about going out to eat. Do people feel indulgent when they hire help to make their food? Or clean up their mess? How many of us justify going out to eat because we’re too tired or too busy or just don’t feel like cleaning up after our family for a meal? I know I HAVE! That’s USUALLY the reason we go out to eat, that or to celebrate.
I am a young mom of 1, and we are a student family and therefore poor, though we live comfortably for what we have. I do not have “hired” help at this time, but I am lucky to live in a religious college community with many other young families. We trade babysitting with each other when possible as most of us don’t have family SUPER close by. I am also a part of a dinner group to help ease the burden that making dinner 7 days a week can be. I think you can be creative when it comes to outsourcing household chores, but cleaning is one of those things that you can’t just trade for usually. It’s a dirty job. So hiring help seems logical if you can’t manage it yourself. I don’t think the excuse of not knowing how to do it or how to do it well is valid tho, because anyone can do it. There are so many great tools and books available to make it so anyone can do it. It’s just a matter of will-power, and time.
I also was thinking about other things we do in our households to help us manage our lives. What about finances? Have people outsourced their financial management to someone else? Do they feel guilt for that? Do you have someone else prepare your taxes, or manage your 401k? Do you send your kids to summer day camps when they’re not in school because having them home all summer and trying to find activities for them to do would be overwhelming? (I’ve worked as a counselor and have seen many parents use this as an inexpensive baby-sitting option). Well, in my opinion you’re hiring out help for that. Does someone else give your family their haircuts? Does someone else groom your pet? Unless you’re really amazing, everyone needs help at one time or another in their life. Most of us don’t feel guilty outsourcing some of these things, so why should you about hiring out someone to help watch your kids for a while so you can do the cleaning, or have someone else do the cleaning so you can watch your kids?
Right now my child is under 2 years old, and I work part time and my husband works and goes to school. I can’t fathom having more children at this time. But even now things feel overwhelming. And let’s face it — if you have young children, they can’t help that much with the household stuff. The people who mentioned having their kids help with the work must have school-aged kids. While it’s good to teach them and help them learn so they can be responsible adults, it will take a lot of time and a lot of effort when they’re young. I don’t see why having occassional help would be bad in any way for even a full-time SAHM. I am not an advocate of live-in help unless you have a medical need for it, or you are working so much that you’re hardly at home anyway. If you’ve hired yourself out elsewhere, you can’t put yourself to work at home too. You just can’t be 2 places at once, no matter how amazing you are.
I would like to give your post many gold stars! Yes, we ALL outsource parts of our lives, so it’s curious to me that cleaning is so much more a touchy topic than other kinds of outsourcing, like haircuts.
I like making my own play-doh but I certainly wouldn’t begrudge anyone buying the store-made kind
I don’t “begrudge” anyone hiring household help, I just honestly think it’s silly. The difference between haircuts and such is that, for example, most people don’t have the skill to cut their own hair and it would also be physically difficult. I don’t know how to fix cars, either. I do, as does anyone else, know how to clean. It’s not rocket science! I also do my own taxes, invest by myself and maintain my own lawn. Oh, and I cut my kid’s hair (I don’t get why people take children to salons…what a huge waste of money!) These things may not all be “perfect” but I like that I do them. I think it’s important for people to try and do things they can do on their own and that too many people are just like “oh I can’t…waahhhh!” We hear that money is so tight for people and we’re in some kind of recession, but it doesn’t sound like it from these posts. Also, like others, I bill higher for my work than a cleaning person would be paid, but I don’t work 24 hours a day and it doesn’t take THAT much time to keep my house the level I accept to go through the hassle of having someone come here, be here while I am here (how awkward!) cleaning and all that. I am surprised that more people don’t find the idea uncomfortable.
To the people who were grousing about taking responsibility for how many children you have, remember that unless you are completely abstinent, there is no other 100% perfect method of birth control. Some come close (99%), but others are much less reliable than you might think:
http://www.uhc.com/source4women/womens_health_topics/birth_control.htm
How much is your time worth? I work at home and my goal as a small business owner is to make $40 an hour. The cleaning company is $20 bucks and hour and they clean my house FAST! So I can spend 3 hours making $120 and building my business, or I can pay some one $60 and have a spotless house! (This is a finanically based decision.)
I’ve pretty much always had help. When I was a pastor for a low-income parish my childcare fees were MORE THAN my salary. We subsidized my work with the poor with my husband’s salary to cover childcare. That was worth it to me because I was passionate about the work. (This was a values based decision.)
Now I’m a life coach and even though my business is making very little profit right now (it’s new) I still hire help. A local college student does my data entry and other adminstration tasks for $20/hr because I suck at them. It takes me a lot longer to do them because I am not detailed oriented or technically skilled. Plus I waste a lot of valuable work time resisting and delaying the task at hand. (This is a skills based decision.)
Objectively using financial math, values based decision making and skills based decision making really helped me ditch the guilt about hiring help. If we can get out of the myth of that we should be able to “do it all” we can make wiser decisions for ourselves and our families.
Of course, I realize that making decisions about help is totally what my girlfriend calls “a white person’s problem.” Only those of us in a certain financial bracket can even afford to be angsty about this issue!
Thanks for bringing up this touchy subject. Getting real about help and “doing it all” can really free a lot of women to share their skills and talents with the world.
We take the approach that it’s my job to keep my 2 year old daughter active, educated, and having as many enriching experiences her little sponge-like brain can handle. We are out of the house almost every day until noon and then down for a dual nap (5 months pregnant over here!) and out again for errands, playground, whatever until about 4 or 5pm. We live in a small apartment, so household items are manageable, and my husband it VERY involved in this aspect, too. We joke that between the the two of us, we make an amazing housewife. It’s true, I couldn’t do it alone. I couldn’t do it and feel fulfilled and like I am doing the best thing for my daughter.
She’s a very bright little girl and we are the kind of parents who are always in “teaching” mode whether cooking, driving, or watching TV together (yes! we do that because we all love movies!), so we decided to put her into a 2-day a week preschool program earlier than most-at 2 years.
We do this for a few reasons. First of all, like I said, she is bright-I do not have the resources or innate ability to plan lessons in a home-school setting. I learn by living, exploring, and doing, and that is what I do best. I will stick with it and let the professional plan a theme for every month and a lesson for every day. This is important as it’s getting her used to the structure that comes with every academic environment, for which I have no aptitude. Some of my mom friends with children my daughter’s age dismiss it as mere daycare, but it most certainly isn’t-with my daughter being the youngest there, and only 4 people in her class, she is far more socially enriched playing with her favorite 4 year old than the other 2 year olds who only have a 20 word vocabulary to her freakishly complex language skills. There is no television (ala the day care she went to as an infant when I went back to work full time) and no 19 year olds with a few educational credits from a junior college. So, to us as a family it lets me do what I do best with my daughter, and then the preschool supplements her in other social and academic areas for those 3 hours a day, two days a week.
Secondly, I freelance work, and those 3 hours a day two days a week gives me time where my daughter is being paid attention to and not being baby-sat by a TV or bored out of her gourd so I can get work done. This is priceless to my conscious, sanity, and wallet. If there is no guarantee of a 2 hour nap or that I’ll be awake enough after I put her to bed to work, I know I have that time she is in preschool to get things done. And I don’t work just for the money-I love what I do as an interior designer and working with architects, so it keeps a part of ME alive-not drowning in an endless trap of play dates and dirty laundry.
Lastly, we knew we would have her enroll in preschool by 2-1/2, which would be September, but that is when baby #2 is due. Not such a good idea to throw a new activity that is away from home without mommy when the new sibling arrives. So, knowing she was socially and mentally ready for it, we decided to push for it sooner and give her a good 6 months head start on being the big girl of the family.
And she never wants to leave when I come to pick her up. Ever.
I think the main thing is being honest. An acquaintance of mine seemed to be so on top of everything all the time. It was intimitaing to me because I coudn’t “do it all with such ease”. Later I learned she had outside help which she didn’t readily share. To me that’s not very honest. She even tried to hide the fact when questioned. Our current culture of woman seeking justification for working outside the home or for staying at home still tries to tell us we can do it all. But we can’t. There’s just too much to do….
When I was growing up, my (single) mom had my grandmother’s help and sometimes a nanny/maid in St. Lucia. It was common for people to have help. My grandmother still does. Once we moved to New York, Mom had a babysitter and a monthly cleaning lady. I don’t have help, but I want it. Desperately. I’m going to seriously start looking for a babysitter and a cleaning service this week.
I rarely leave comments on the blogs I read, but I must say that I felt compelled to speak up on this one. There is a definitive stigmatism attached to hiring help nowadays. One can almost feel “embarrassed” to admit it, but I must say that I hired a housekeeper about 6 months ago to come in to my home twice a month, for a period of 3 hours each time, and I have never looked back or had a moment of regret! I do work full time outside the home, so my oldest child is in school & my youngest child is in daycare, but during the week, I literally come home & DON’T STOP until the kids go to bed, so the last thing I want to be spending my weekends doing is scrubbing the floors or cleaning the showers. I want to spend it with my kids, with my husband, and cherishing those weekends that we have to be together. I really had to prioritize in my mind & in my heart that the precious time with my family was more important than the small savings of just doing it myself. I then just had to come to terms with the fact that though it may not be a decision that works for everyone, it IS the decision that works for me!
I would love to have a cleaning service come in a couple times a month to do the deep cleaning that I typically have time for and for the things I detest doing. Right now we are saving for a house so we aren’t willing to put the money into a cleaning service right now. However, I think that it is definitely worth the money and will probably eventually hire one when our budget allows. I received a gift certificate for a one time house cleaning service after my 3rd daughter was born and it was one of the best gifts anyone could have gotten me, especially since she was born during my husband’s busy season and my other daughters were 21 months and 4. I used to think that a “good” homemaker shouldn’t need to hire help and that she wasn’t working to her potential if she hired someone. Boy was I wrong!
I started to view myself as an actual manager and managers in the workforce don’t do all the work themselves – they hire people and delegate responsibility while overseeing the end result! I now view hiring help as one way that I can manage our home and I hope to eventually be able to afford a cleaning service (and a weekly masseuse! haha). Plus, we are a homeschooling family so the messes are constant b/c we do a lot of learning, crafts, cooking, etc at home.
There have been times that I have gotten free help: let your family/friends know that you could use help. There may be college students, teenagers, or just nice people who will come and help out from time to time with cleaning, child care, yard work, etc. Asking for help is not a sign of weakness, it is a blessing to serve so letting people know how they can help you will bless both parties!
The biggest help that I could have is to involve the kids in the daily housework. It is so beneficial to them, me and our family. They are learning life skills (laundry, general cleaning, cooking), how a household runs and how to manage one, serving others, and working together as part of a family. Mine are still little but kids love to help and a job well done boosts their self esteem. It takes a little time to train them to do jobs correctly but it is a great bonding experience and well worth it in the end, especially when finishing a job together and faster means a longer story time!
Thanks for the post, I’m looking forward to the next ones.
I am the household manager… that’s perfect. I’ll be using that one.
My husband (before he was my husband) made the decision to hire a cleaning service, twice a month, shortly after we both embarked on our legal careers. His explanation was that he didn’t want us spending what little free time we had mopping the floor or scrubbing the toilet. Our house was 1600 sq. feet and we had no kids. We did not *need* help; we wanted it. I don’t think it would ever have occurred to me, but I didn’t feel guilt about the decision.
Many years later, now married, we have our first child and I have four months maternity leave. I suggest that perhaps it doesn’t make sense to have the housekeepers come while I’m home. He looks at me like I’ve taken leave of my senses (and likely I had, given I was home with our newborn while he still worked long hours), and tells me the housekeepers will be staying.
When I went back to work part-time, it didn’t even occur to me that we’d get rid of them. We also, changing our minds about our initial decision to take her to someone who cares for a group of kids in her home, hired someone to come in to our home and care for our child while I’m at work. No guilt there; it was the only way we were comfortable with having two working parents, even with me being part-time. It did give me pause that, after we paid the nanny, my take home was next to nothing. But, I was working because I loved my work and wanted to maintain my role in it. It also rarely occurs to me, without prompting from my husband, that I can leave our daughter with the nanny while I do something other than work (i.e. go to the dentist or the gym). I’m not quite sure what that is about. Somehow it feels different to leave her with someone to work than to take care of other things.
This month, with our daughter ten months old, I’ve decided to leave my job. The split loyalties aren’t working out and our daughter comes first. The housekeepers stay. There is room in our budget to cut other luxuries, and in fact we already did that because my part-time work brought home so little due to our childcare choice. The nanny, obviously, will no longer be working routinely for us. However, we will be hiring her as needed to allow me to continue some of my work in a volunteer capacity and to do things like go to doctor appointments. We are acutely conscious of the fact that my decision drastically impacts her family’s income and we want to continue to give her the work as we can.
I do not feel guilty about any of these choices. A little self-conscious sometimes, but not guilty. I could afford to have a childcare situation that made my husband and I much more comfortable (and as it turned out gave me the scheduling flexibility I needed), and so we did. It also meant that her nanny had a job to help pay her own bills. I don’t expect her nanny to be able to scrub my house or do much of anything while taking care of her, and in fact would be pretty upset if she was doing so much other stuff that she didn’t spend the time interacting with my daughter. As her mother, the standard is a little different, but the principle applies. If I didn’t have any help, either I’d be missing out on the time with my kid (the whole point of leaving work) or I would never, ever have any downtime. My husband would not be picking it up. He is already away from her for most of her waking hours during the week, and he guards his time with her. (One of the huge advantages of my not working will be the ability to bring her downtown to have lunch with him, giving him an extra hour with her.)
So, no, I don’t feel guilty. But I do feel incredibly lucky. I grew up in a socioeconomic class that would not have allowed for these decisions. My mother did an amazing job, and if I needed to I could make the same decisions she made. (She worked full-time, made time with us her priority and just didn’t care if the house was cluttered and a little dirty.) But, I don’t have to. I appreciate that, and I feel incredibly fortunate.
But, I also remember that my husband and I both worked very hard to be in the position to make these choices. And we’ve been very responsible with the money that we make, so that we can make these and other choices. We didn’t do it on our own – our parents worked hard to put us in the position that our hard work could pay off this way. Again, I feel lucky because I know other people work just as hard, make responsible decisions and still don’t have these options. But, I don’t feel *guilty* that I do.
We have a lawn service that comes once a week. My husband and I still consider it the best money we spend regularly. We were spending every Saturday out in the yard for hours, and we both hate hate hate yardwork. We both work full time, and would rather spend our weekends together doing something fun. Also, the yard looks awesome, and I am no longer afraid the HOA will send us nasty letters.
I would encourage everyone to read this:
http://www.barbaraehrenreich.com/maidtoorder.htm
I came across it while looking for data on the number of households who use hired help throughout the 20th century til now and who this help usually was/is (haven’t found it yet).
A great excerpt that sums up why I won’t hire household help:
“[YOUR HOME] is the place where your children are raised, and what they learn pretty quickly is that some people are less worthy than others. Even better wages and working conditions won’t erase the hierarchy between an employer and his or her domestic help, because the help is usually there only because the employer has “something better” to do with her time, as one report on the growth of cleaning services puts it, not noticing the obvious implication that the cleaning person herself has nothing better to do with her time.”
and
“There is another lesson the servant economy teaches its beneficiaries and, most troublingly, the children among them. To be cleaned up after is to achieve a certain magical weightlessness and immateriality…A servant economy breeds callousness and solipsism in the served, and it does so all the more effectively when the service is performed close up and routinely in the place where they live and reproduce.”
There is so much great material in this Ehrenreich article that I won’t excerpt…seriously y’all should really read it.
I have read Ehrenreich’s writings on hiring help, both in articles and in her book Nickel and Dimed. And while I know her experiences are the truth for many low-paid cleaners working for large corporations, the relationship she describes between cleaner and homeowner and employee and employer could not be more different than the relationship I have with my (self-employed) house cleaner. Often we are cleaning right alongside each other and spend much of the time she’s in my house chatting-we have a lot in common. She is in every way my peer and equal…in fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if she has a higher household income than we do. While she’s in my house, if I’m working, we more or less split the hourly wage I would have been making.
I do agree with Ehrenreich’s point about raising kids to believe that they can just be ‘cleaned up after’-which is why my kids have to pick up all their toys and miscellaneous items before Lynda comes, why she doesn’t do “their” jobs (like unload the dishwasher), or go anywhere near their bedrooms. I’ve had many frank discussions with my kids, especially the older ones, about the fact that I expect them to learn to be self-sufficient and that the cleaning person isn’t there to make their lives easier.
I also think that this mentality can apply to many things beyond cleaning a house. What about eating at a fast food restaurant, where the person serving you is making minimum wage…especially if you’re doing it to “save time”? What about shopping in big-box stores?
There’s an interesting topic, but I wonder how the masses of people who depend upon the service industries to survive and support their children would feel about it? Would they truly appreciate the moral lessons we’re trying to instill, even though they can no longer feed their families or pay their bills? I don’t employ anyone as a household helper, but I sure do wish that I could. I look at it as not only making MY life easier, but making the life of someone who depends upon that income easier, too. Hiring outside help creates more jobs for people who may not be able to find jobs that their education or literacy levels allow. Also, those who are employed in service but ARE highly educated, may find that the jobs they are qualified for no longer need to be filled or are no longer fulfilling. Sometimes pushing paper sucks. What do you have to show for it? When I cleaned houses, many years ago, I was physically active all day and could look at the home and feel an immediate sense of accomplishment. AND I could listen to music while working. Perfect combo.
I so agree Tracey. I have worked as a well paid, and well treated housekeeper. I’d be really REALLY angry, if I was let go, because they “felt sorry” for me having to do demeaning work. Because then….I’d be unemployed. And how exactly would I be better off?
I have a housekeeper come about twice a year, because that is all we can afford. I’d have her come twice a month if I could afford it. I pay her $20 per hour, no middleman. My youngest loves her, and is always trying to show off his Spanish to her. All of us, feels nothing but in *awe* of her skills (seriously….she rearranges, and leaves *flowers*). My kids, husband and I all think she’s amazing. I know what kind of art she likes, and am always on the look-out for it to buy for her, etc.
I just don’t get how this is any different from eating in a restaurant, or buying packaged food (i.e…..I’m too good to make my own bread, and must have those lowly bakers make it for me), or having my hair cut, etc. etc.
I can’t control the world’s economic system, but I can control what goes on in my home. I don’t eat at fast food restaurants, coincidentally, anyway, because they are disgusting and unhealthy, and I don’t eat out to “save time” or because I am “too busy” or “don’t feel like” cooking, but rather to celebrate, because we’re on an outing and away from home, or to get an experience or food that we ourselves don’t make as well or don’t have the supplies to make (certain ethnic specialties, wood fired pizza, etc.) Also, to the big-box stores, I would say, I don’t control the world’s economies, again, but I don’t shop at Costco, for one. I do shop at Whole Foods and Target (of which I own stock) and I do shop at farmers markets. I am not saying I am more righteous than people who use help, just saying why I don’t and the feelings I get about it.
RE: MamaMeYeah May 5, 2011 at 1:10 pm
You shop at Whole Foods and farmers markets.
From these two simple facts, I know that you are not counting your pennies.
You have the disposable income to pay extra for the products at Whole Foods. You don’t search the ads for sales; you have a Whole Foods store within reasonable proximity to your home.
You have a vehicle and the ability to drive where you want, when you want. You also have the luxury of time. You can driving to/from farmers markets at the times the markets are open and purchase whatever you wish.
Your ability to refrain from fast food restaurants is also a product of your household income. Those with lower incomes live in different circumstances. Often they depend on public transportation, which is rarely convenient or adequate outside major cities. Without a vehicle at hand, they can’t go to a large grocery store or farmers markets. Food is purchased from the local convenience store, with its limited selection and very few fresh items. Or food is purchased from the available restaurants – fast food chains.
Just some observations.
What’s your point? That I have money? I do. That doesn’t mean I have to support master/servant relationships in my own house because I am too lazy or inept to keep it up myself. Au contraire!
But you are still, in a way. What do you think dishwashers wages and working conditions are like in those restaurants? I can guarantee you, that they are worse working conditions, and they are paid likely 1/4th what my housekeeper is paid. And what about the factory workers that make those fancy foods from Whole foods? I think it’s just a matter of transparency. You can’t see those people who are making your food, or who work in the factory making your car, etc. While my housekeeper, is right there….in my face. In a way, I feel like this is more honest.
I *worked* in restaurants for 10 years as a waitress. I know what restaurants are like. The difference is, I am capable of cleaning MY OWN HOUSE as are you. I am not capable of making processed foods (which I don’t really eat much of anyway), making cars, etc. Duh. Duh. Duh.
Mama-why are you being so nasty? You make a lot of great points, but then cap them off with “duh” and “meh” and “cop-out”. Do you really think insulting people makes them more open to your views? Isn’t it possible that there is more than one way of looking at this topic? I’ve been trying to engage you because I think you’ve way outnumbered and I want you to be able to make your voice heard…but really, it’s obvious you are more interested in being “right” here than in really listening to what anyone else is saying. So why even bother? I’m out.
One more comment, Mama-so you aren’t capable of making processed foods, eh? Meh. Cop-out. You’re capable of flipping a burger at home. Or making french fries at home. Or baking your own bread or making your own crackers even. It’s not ROCKET SCIENCE. So what’s stopping you?
I’ve read Ehrenreich, too. I’m a fairly left-leaning type person who is certainly not trying to raise kids who think they are “above” things like housework, but I have a housecleaning service that comes every other month and I don’t feel a scrap of guilt about that- either personally or politically.
I think working moms get flak from the right and left of the political spectrum these days. The folks on the right think that I’m destroying the moral fabric of the country by working outside the home and the folks on the left think that I’m exploiting the people whom I pay to provide services that make it possible for me to work in the job I love and also parent in the way I want. (They also think I’m destroying the environment by not using cloth diapers, but that is another controversy for another day.)
Frankly, I’m done with both types of guilt-peddlers.
Here is how I make it possible to hire a cleaning service without experiencing political guilt (I already experience no personal guilt- since when is scrubbing a toilet an expression of love for my children?)
– I use a local, independent service
– They pay a decent wage- better than a fast food restaurant pays
– They provide benefits to their staff (at least they say they do- I didn’t audit their books)
– They use environmentally friendly cleaning products
All of this means that I pay more than I have to for my cleaning service- about double what some of my friends who hire someone under the table pay.
Also, there is an entire body of scholarship and thought around the negative impacts of NOT paying for things like cleaning and child care. The point isn’t that we all should pay someone else to do these things, but that the fact that for so long this work (and it IS work) was unpaid and unrecognized has real economic consequences. Here are a couple of links that might get you started thinking about that:
http://bluemilk.wordpress.com/2011/04/12/david-willets-yeah-kinda-but-not-really/
http://www.phdinparenting.com/2011/03/30/what-revolution-why-havent-women-pushed-harder-for-caring-work-to-be-valued/
I agree, Cloud!
“Even better wages and working conditions won’t erase the hierarchy between an employer and his or her domestic help, because the help is usually there only because the employer has “something better” to do with her time,”
Is there a problem with hierarchies? Any employment situation has an employer and an employee; a manager and a worker.
If I manage programs – money, schedule, requirements – I don’t have time to also do the design, manufacturing and testing work. I, as manager, employ someone, as worker, who does that work. Some say my role is insignificant, that I don’t “do” anything. Yet, without my efforts, the worker(s) would not have the required parts, would not know when the parts had to be finished, and the money wouldn’t come in from the customer and turn into pay for the worker(s).
Everyone reports to someone – CEOs have a board of directors and, if publicly traded, shareholders. IMO the goal is to teach our children that each individual is that of God, deserves respect based solely on their humanity, and that having jobs with differing skills and pay doesn’t make anyone better than others.
“IMO the goal is to teach our children that each individual is that of God, deserves respect based solely on their humanity, and that having jobs with differing skills and pay doesn’t make anyone better than others.”
Yes. This. Exactly. That’s what I’m trying to do.
I think what this comes down to is: if you hire help, do you treat them as an employee offering a valued service, or as a servant doing work that is beneath you?
I’ve traveled a few times to Poland and Mexico, and have been shocked to find that MANY of my friends — who are in the same shape I’m in financially, if not worse — have someone who comes in every week to help with the cleaning. It feels really different from the way it plays out in the US (though it’s possible I’m not picking up on the subtle indications of class in a foreign culture), because the people who were paying for the cleaning person usually treated her as a special auntie, almost a part of the family. They were never the hired help: they were the senora who came in every week to help them out, and they were always careful to tell me to use the honorable title when addressing her.
I think that’s a big difference. And right now I can’t afford cleaning help myself, but if I could, I would hire someone who does a good job, and treat them just as well as I treat any professional offering a service that I value.
So I guess what I’m saying is, I don’t think you should feel guilty for hiring someone to help out. You should feel guilty if you TREAT THEM LIKE SHIT.
Interesting post! (got here via someone shared on FB, will have to check out more of your blog!) I had NO IDEA it was accepted or common “back then” for less than well-off families to still have hired help. No wonder ladies had time for quilting or playing cards with friends! I always wondered! Now I don’t feel so bad for feeling overwhelmed and frustrated sometimes, doing it all myself. I’ve read that to properly keep a home, it takes about 39 hours a week (Emilie Barnes). But add in working at home, as I do, and I often can’t figure out, do the chores get done first, or do I “work”? I can’t seem to do both very well. Priorities get very messy, and yes, I never quite know when I have done “enough”, because it’s never “finished”. Frankly, I don’t know how a mom who works outside the home full time can keep up the home as well, without hiring someone.
I currently do not have any household help. But, if my budget allowed for it I would definitely!! As a single mom of two (8months and 2 years) I work full time while the babies are in daycare. I have absolutely NO downtime and barely have time with my babies. SO not only do I have a need but a want!! My desire to have help, however, would not change if my circumstances were different. Even if I were a Stay-at-Home Mom, as I desire to be, I would still have household help. In having that help I would be free to manage my household and my family the way that I would want.
I have someone come every couple of weeks also. At times I think I should just do it myself, but really, it’s not like i am doing nothing in between. If anything, at least I have the feeling for one or two days that the whole house is “done” (before it starts becoming chaos again!) We are a middle-class family, and I feel we can well afford to contribute to the economy and employment by having a cleaning lady. On the other hand, my husband would never hire someone to mow the lawn, like our neighbours do, he loves the time outside and the actual work. I have heard that some people love the process of cleaning their houses, but that is not me and never will be!
Love this post! Many years ago when I worked nights every other weekend and 2 days a week, had a husband, 2 small children and a mother dying from cancer (who I took care of) I decided that my plate was full and I could no longer do it all-I hired a housekeeper. I loved her and I learned MANY things from her. After several years (for financial reasons) I had to stop having her. I decided that I would just have to “buckle down” and do it myself. I have to say, what took her 3-4 hrs to complete, took me days! I never felt like I was finished-I would get the downstairs done, only to face the upstairs the next day, or I would have all the bathrooms partially cleaned, etc. Furthermore, I didn’t want to spend the time I would have with my kids or family doing housework-it’s really a thankless job and something else can always be done! Since then, I have had several housekeepers on and off-presently I do not have one-but the day I can afford one again, I’ll be on it like white on rice! I’m giving myself PERMISSION! Thanks again for such a great post!
I don’t feel guilty at all about having a housecleaner come twice per month. And I don’t relate to the commenters that are suggesting that we should do 100% of the cleaning of our homes and caring for our children. Having a career is also a worthy pursuit and makes many women happy, not to mention enables them to send their children to college. I am pretty middle of the road in terms of the “help” I have among my friends. I have my daughter in preschool 5 days per week until 3.30 so that I can work from home and do minimal everyday family chores. We have twice per month house cleaning and twice per month mowing/weeding. No guilt, no shame here. The only concern I have is that my children are so used to the housecleaner making her twice monthly mark on the house, if I do a serious clean up on any room while they are at school, they might ask “Was Leyla here today?” My husband has even asked!
When I was at the Mom2.0 summit, my husband and kids did a thorough cleaning before I cam home — bless them! — and my kids were hoping I’d say, “Was Maria here?” so I did.
Whitney, you should accept that one as high praise.
Because you have soooo much more pressing things to do with your time (making your own notepads-good grief-and going to mommy “summits”) it’s great you have “Maria” (gee, I wonder, could she be latin/hispanic?) to clean your house. Does nobody else find this nauseating?
MamaMeYeah-I can tell you’ve got strongly-held opinions, and I think that’s great. You actually remind me a bit of myself in my earlier years of parenting, but time, experience, and life all softened my views and opened me to perspectives I might not initially have considered.
I would gently encourage you to consider that you are talking to women who are thoughtful, hard-working mothers (and more) and that maybe you don’t really know the full story of their lives, motives, or priorities. Coming into these discussions thoughtfully and trying to see the topic from other viewpoints will certainly increase the chances that your words will be heard, instead of dismissed.
Thank you Meagan.
I worked as a housekeeper to a family with 5 kids. I worked for them for 3 years. It was one of the best jobs I’ve ever had. I was well paid, and respected for my work. Mom was a writer, and all the kids were homeschooled. I never felt degraded, or demeaned. The kids still did chores. It was….in no way….”nauseating”.
I think this is an important thing to think about. I’ve realized my “perfect” homemaker hangups lately in another way.
We have had a tight budget our entire married life and I have learned to do many things myself especially in the cooking department. The most prepared things I buy are store bought noodles or tortillas and I know I could make those too!
However, I find myself running down with trying to keep up with six kids, who I homeschool and the housework, yardwork, schoolwork, and lots of food needed to keep this family running. My husband is helpful but very busy and the kids are helpful but still young enough that their contribution does not equal their destruction!:)
This month I decided to do some shifting in the budget to put more on food so I wouldn’t feel like I had to make EVERYTHING from scratch. Maybe I could get out of the kitchen? Honestly, i haven’t thought of it before because I technically can cook everything and it’s not in my frugal nature to spend more then I need too BUT does it matter if I am hating life because I can’t keep up?
It’s like making the decision to spend more money to eat healthier. You could eat really cheaply on crud but what is the most important thing to you? Health and Happiness is not always frugal.
I think it’s important to recognize when we need help, whatever form we feel is necessary. I would love to have someone come in and help deep clean once a month but it’s currently not in the budget. However, I don’t judge others who use that resource when they can. We all have our own balancing act and as long as we are using integrity in balancing, I hope we all figure out our own ways to be Happy and Healthy. In fact, that is one of the awesome things about women, their creativity, ingenuity, adaptability, and ability to seek ways to better their families lives.
I am a stay at home mother doing a daycare in my home. If I could afford it I would have someone every week to come and the work no one ever knows you did it. Mopping, bathrooms, dusting and windows.
My father pasted away and I was feeling very over whelmed. I could not even think. After visiting with my husband we hired merry maids. After the first visit my heart felt 100 pounds lighter. The WHOLE house was done at ONE TIME. Enjoyed my kids coming home and made a wonderful supper for my family. Then had them do all my windows the next week. ( I hate windows) I used them for 3 months. This was a great blessing to me and my family. The money was not wasteful at all. If I did not hire them I could have been in the hospital or having to take time off of work which would have cost more. No one should ever look down on someone for asking for help. Like you stated it gave you more time with the family which after all is the most important thing. After all do we remember how many times our mothers washed the tub or dusted. NOPE it is the camping, walks, sleep overs. Those are what I remember about my childhood. SO LADIES ASK FOR HELP. With a dear friend in the hospital alot due to an illness. Knowing what I went through. My husband and I go 3 times a week to help do the dirty work. My husband helps on the farm or does the farm work. I do all the work hubbies, kids or anyone would never notice. Feel very good and blessed everytime I can help her and her family. That way when she is home she can spend it with the kids and just pick up. Instead of working like a dog and back in the hosptial sooner. Lets look around and help others or ask for help so someone can be a blessing to you. Sisters from church get together every two weeks they take turns helping the other clean, paint or sort. The sister that is getting the help makes a meal. What a great way to bond and yet help someone.
The first time we hired a cleaning service was when our first child was born and I looked at it as a gift to ourselves for the first 6 months so we could concentrate on our new baby. We had a regular service (twice a month) come for 6 months and then stopped but about 6 months later I started it back up again because I felt overwhelmed by the cleaning and working full-time, full-time Mom, etc. I see it as a luxury to be able to afford it but it does come at a sacrifice, we have decided it is a priority for us so we budget accordingly. The other thing that has helped tremendously is dry cleaning. For the longest time I felt guilty about sending my husbands work shirts to the cleaners so I ironed but after awhile I just didn’t have the time so now we dry clean them and the money I thought I would miss is worth every penny of having someone else do that task!
I am considering having someone to come in and help with the housework but am feeling terribly guilty. I feel like I am letting my family down by not being able to do it “all”. Truth is, I’m a working Mom and I can’t do it all. I need the help. My husband is good – but neither of us really enjoy the work or have it as a priority. Yes the bathrooms get cleaned on a regular basis and the dishes are done – but the “extras” never get done. My mother hated housework – and we knew it – and house cleaning time was the most miserable time of the week. I pledge that that will not happen with my daughter. So when I do housework I do it with a smile and remember that it is blessing my family! But there are so many other things that I would rather do with my time! Looking forward to reading more about this.
I love this! I love what you’ve hit on – that we have the belief today that hiring people to assist our lives makes us somehow less capable of accomplishing our lives, when in reality people have been doing it for years. So to answer your question – I hire help. I hire babysitters (a couple of times a week), cleaning people (twice a month), lawn service people (once a week and they do the leaves in the fall), and it frees me up to focus on my children more. I would have more help if I could and not feel apologetic about it. Maybe I should have lived 100 years ago when it was a totally accepted part of life, even when you were “experiencing hard times!” Thanks for making me think about it though.
It all comes down to time or money. Are you going to spend the time on it or the money? When my husband and I moved in together, one non-negotiable item was hiring a cleaning service to clean our entire house once a month. We both work full-time, and we wanted to spend our Saturdays doing something other than scrub toilets. Now, I *have* scrubbed toilets for pay, so I do know how to do it. With a young child and two full-time jobs, now our house gets cleaned twice a month, and we have a nanny that we share with another family who watches the two children at our house. I am lucky, so lucky, to be able to afford these services. They make my life (and the lives of my husband and daughter) better and easier, in part because we all have time together that we’ve bought. I make every effort that I can to treat the people who do work for me with respect, kindness and fairness. If you can afford it, why not outsource? Why do women (and men, to be fair) think they “should” do all of this without help? Being a mother and homemaker and full-time worker, whatever you do… it’s hard. All of it in its own way.
I would love to hire help with but my small house and the fact that I have dogs I figure it doesn’t pay. I think it’s great for anyone that can do it though.
What a great post! Meagan your writing makes me happy…you have great skill. I have hired a housekeeper several times, always with embarrassment. The first time we moved from out of town into a DIRTY house…I am so not a clean freak, the place was gross. I knew driving 90 minutes and having a toddler…oh and being pregnant I was not going to be able (or interested) in cleaning it before we moved in. She was FABULOUS. I used her again when I was on bedrest later, and most recently when my toddler plus 4 monther were stressing me out enough to hit the medicine shelf for some Wellbutrin! I’m a stay at home mom and have an idyllic set up but nevertheless was stressed enough to want and need some help. It’s embarrassing though…I can make time for a playdate but not for a few hours of cleaning? I just figure I could enjoy my girls more with the extra work covered, and I was right. It was AMAZING to come home to a clean house. PLUS it was ALL clean…I usually do one floor one day and one floor the other….and we have a smaller house,1,400sf! We live debt free (THANKS Dave Ramsey!)other than the house and are careful with how we spend money, so deciding to use a housecleaning occasionally isn’t something we take for granted…but your post is helping me to shake the embarrassment. THANK YOU Dear Girl. See you Saturday!!!!
This conversation has been tremendously interesting and I feel so much better about being open about my recent decision to hire a babysitter eight hours a week and a house cleaner.
I am a SAHM and part-time writer and entrepreneur. I have twin two-year-olds, one of whom has several physical disabilities (and many, many appointments), a six year old and a fuzzy dog. I did it all myself for almost three years and always, ALWAYS felt behind. The stress of being the only one to do every last thing around the house really started getting to me. I found a way to afford the help because it was so important to me, and in spite of still having some trouble finding the right house cleaner, I hope I don’t have to go without my helpers for years to come! I may even add a yard work helper to my payroll if I can get really creative with the budget. I’d rather eat beans than be out-of-control frazzled and live in a sty!
Thank you Meagan and Ellen for starting this conversation!!
I’ve never been in a financial position where I could afford to hire help. I suppose maybe I could if I cut out other things, like basic cable and cell phones, but frankly I’d rather just clean my house myself. I am fortunate that I have a husband who will share the load with me, though – his career is not at a level that requires him to travel (or us to afford a maid!) but he truly believes that the housework should be a shared burden. I know that’s rare among men.
The hard part of this issue for me is that I’ve heard people justify their housekeepers by saying they get so little free time and they’d rather spend it with their husbands/kids than cleaning. But don’t the maids have husbands and kids too? Who cleans the maids’ houses? Don’t most maids have to go home and clean their own houses? It’s ultimately a class issue – I’m willing to bet you won’t find very many poor or working-class moms who hire help. Being able to hire help so that you can spend your free time doing other things you enjoy requires a certain degree of middle-class privilege (and income.)
This is part of what I am not comfortable with. I suppose we *could* afford a cleaning lady…lord knows we blow money on other things (nice vacations, craft beers, good food, books)…but it just highlights a class issue that makes me feel awkward. I don’t like the growing disparity among “classes” in the U.S. and having a cleaning lady (notice…always a “lady”!!!) just shines a bold and ugly light on that. Really, if you have more house than you can care for, you have too much house-many Americans do.
Again, you are assuming people who clean houses for money are somehow less-than. That might be an opinion formed from your own bias or your own experience, I don’t know. But almost everyone I have interviewed for cleaning or hired to clean runs their own small business and actually has cleaning help at their own homes. It’s a free-market decision, not always “the only thing someone can do”.
Most people don’t love to come home and do what they’ve been doing all day, no matter what their field. Chefs often don’t some home to cook a meal for their family, for instance. Often carpenters or mechanics (both skilled trades) don’t want to come home and work on their house or their car. That doesn’t automatically qualify them as lower class, though, does it? It also doesn’t stop us from hiring them when we want to fix something and don’t have the skill or time.
I know many people in this country have waaaay too much house and our materialism bugs me no end. But I certainly don’t have too much space, just too many responsibilities. It sounds like that’s the case with many of the women responding here.
And in response to Holly, above, I cut out cable TV and cell phones (and I haven’t taken a vacation in almost 10 years) long before I figured out how we could afford hiring household help. It’s simply a sanity-preserving necessity at this stage of our lives.
There is no reason that hiring people to perform their chosen occupation should in and of itself automatically be a class issue or feel awkward to anyone. And if it does, please don’t let that cause you to judge those who have clearly experienced it very differently.
Hear-hear; I said virtually the same thing below, but a bit more long-winded, ha! Great name, by the way
We pay our cleaning *lady* (fwiw, we’d hire a man if there were any on the market with good references) $25 an hour. Lower class? I think not.
I think maybe you need to revise your own preconceptions.
I shared elsewhere that my cleaning person (notice I have not once used the term “LADY”) and I earn the same net hourly income.
Your point is well taken, subversive.
I actually thought of cleaning houses and found that it wasn’t a viable proposition. $25 an hour is far better than what it pays where I live – here it’s $15 an hour, and the people I know who do this kind of work typically only have a couple clients a week. Their hourly wage may be okay, but it certainly isn’t a full-time income.
Historically and presently, housekeepers are hired by the middle class, not members of the middle class themselves.
Fair disclosure: I also worked for two independently-owned cleaning services in the 90s (not Merry Maids type places, but smaller similar companies) and earned minimum wage.
Even at $15 an hour it’s far better than minimum wage, but I don’t think you and I are really disagreeing. Regardless, I think the point (almost) everyone is making is that it’s a paid position, and anyone who does home cleaning does so of their own free will as a part of a free market economy, not as an indentured servant. There are lots of minimum wage positions at stores around the world, does it make me elitist to shop at those stores too?
I don’t think we’re really disagreeing, either.
I think it’s undisputable that most women have a lot of responsibilities to manage and often cannot manage it all without some help, despite popular images to the contrary. Many of the tasks we now have to contract out – such as child care and housekeeping – were once covered by other family members. Older adults didn’t expect to live their retirement years in independence and leisure and helped with the grandkids in exchange for having a place to stay. It used to be acceptable to expect your kids to do a substantial amount of housework and even child care, but that has fallen out of fashion.
Our workloads as women haven’t decreased over the years at all and have increased, in many cases. But now we have fewer community and family options willing to help us and we have to pay for it instead. I think it’s kind of sad that it has to be this way because I think those extended relationships were mutually beneficial for all. (But am I signing up to let my mom move in with me in her old age? No.)
You say you’re not judging those of us who use cleaning services, but when I read your comments, I feel judged. I’m going to assume that I am just being over-sensitive. I have some questions for you, and I hope you will also try to take these as non-judgmental.
I live in a house that has less than 1400 square feet. Is that too much house? Who gets to decide?
Of course there is a class issue, and only people with sufficient money can afford to hire help. I’m sure that my housecleaner also has to clean her own house, and I doubt she enjoys it. There is no question that my life is easier than hers. So what should I do? Make my life more and more difficult until it is as difficult as that of the lowest paid working mother there is? How does that help anyone?
Or should I quit my job and stay at home and do all the cleaning? What if I tell you that I work in a male-dominated field that I trained for years to enter? If that changes the answer (and believe it or not, for some people it does), why? And who gets to decide which careers warrant the right to hire help without feeling guilty? What if I tell you that I make more money than my husband? Should he quit his job and stay at home?
I doubt that the people who work at Whole Foods can afford to do the bulk of their shopping there, either. Does that bother you? If not, why not?
What do you think my housecleaner would be doing for a living if she weren’t cleaning houses? Do you really think it would pay better or give her more time with her family? At least the cleaning job is a 9-5 job.
These are not simple issues. Our society has deep, structural problems with class, race, and privilege. But my refusal to use my resources to make my own life better won’t fix those. I’ll support efforts to improve the working conditions for people in lower wage jobs. I’m already supporting efforts to improve educational access so that people don’t get tracked to low wage jobs just due to the circumstances of their birth. To me, this is more meaningful than any decision I make about how the toilets in my house will get cleaned.
I’m sorry if I sound angry. I’m not. I’m just frustrated, and tired of this issue. We all solve the problems of our lives in different ways, and make compromises in different places. If you don’t want to hire a cleaner- hey, that’s your call and none of my business. But please don’t think that all of us who do hire cleaners are ignorant of the class issues involved. A lot of us have thought about them, and thought hard. My husband and I thought about it, and discussed this decision. In the end, I don’t see how refusing to pay for help that I can afford will do anything at all to fix the class problems in our country.
Did you read the Ehrenreich article?
As I said, I can control my own home, not the world economy.
You can do what you wish…and I can roll my eyes and find you distasteful.
Mama-Cloud’s response to you was very respectful, and yours is bordering on nasty. Let’s keep clear of personal insults, attacks, or assumptions. It’s not how my comments section rolls and we are all smart enough to keep the discourse civil.
Yes, I’ve read Ehrenreich. Let’s just say that I agree with many of her goals but not always with her methods for getting there. Also, I don’t find the job of cleaning as demeaning as she does- and yes, I’ve done that job, too.
Go ahead and roll your eyes and find me distasteful. I’ve thought about my opinions and how they fit with how I run my life, and I feel pretty good about the decisions I’ve made. That’s what matters to me.
I don’t know what the answer is, and I understand the issues you’re raising. I am uncomfortable with the class issues, but more than that I am deeply uncomfortable with the idea of someone else coming into my home and cleaning up after me – it just feels so private as to almost be an invasion. I have also very significantly under-utilized child care options and it has often made my life a lot harder.
Although my knee-jerk reaction to hiring housekeeping help is negative, when I examine that more closely I also know that working women have so many demands on them already and I can understand the desire to just get some help. I am so, so fortunate that my husband helps me with virtually everything, from child care to cleaning and cooking to taking the kids to some of their appointments. If I were in a different type of relationship where I didn’t have that type of help available from my spouse, I can very easily see myself reaching a breaking point and needing to hire somebody for one of those tasks.
Holly, your reaction, knee-jerk or otherwise, is a fine thing by which to run your own life. I certainly don’t think everyone should hire a housecleaner!
Actually, my husband and I split our chores evenly, too, and always have.
Holly said it all in a less confrontational way than me…with the first part of her reply here…thank you.
Cloud, I fit your description – many years of training, male dominated field, higher pay than my husband.
Once again I agree with your thoughts.
I’ve noticed that the people who are adamantly against household help resort to using the class structures as their foundation for their objections. OTOH those who have help either do feel guilty, or feel aggravated because others try to make them feel guilty.
Another factor IMO is a feeling of unworthiness. Someone raised in a family with limited income may be uncomfortable truly acknowledging the fact that they have a much better income than their parents and possibly siblings.
I haven’t cleaned my house, other than the bathrooms and a lick and a promise because company is coming, in more than five years. Occasionally we’d have someone come in and clean. But not regularly.
…I was promoted, and determined that my raise would cover weekly house cleaning. We did not have excessive debt or any other pressing need for the raise. I traveled frequently, sometimes for a week or more at a time.
… My husband was absolutely completely don’t-even-discuss-it against a regular cleaning service. He stated that we own the house, we should take care of the house, and that included cleaning it. I told him that if he refused to allow regularly scheduled outside cleaners, he could clean the house, because I was not going to do it. So he cleans.
… (I’ve been laid off, so things are different. But I still do no more than the minimum.)
A lot of things are available to middle and upper classes that aren’t available to working and lower classes, so I’m not sure that’s an argument against cleaning services any more than it is against nice cars or meals in fancy restaurants or vacations or whatever. Funny enough, I don’t have a nice car, rarely eat in fancy restaurants, and excepting weekend road trips and in our area, took our first “real” family vacation EVER, in 13 years, this last fall! We also cut out the cable package!
I think a lot of people perform tasks for pay that leave them less time for performing those same tasks to themselves. Teachers have to come home at the end of a long day and care for their own children. Writers produce content, but have to make time to read. My cleaning person sets her own hours, all while her kids are in school, and has shared with me that she shares her housecleaning duties with a friend.
I’ve been thinking about this more – obviously, it’s a great topic!
My own objection to hiring a house cleaner is that it feels very intimate and personal. It’s allowing someone to come in and observe many of the most private details about how my family lives and paying them to do it. In light of that, rather than judging the cleaner or the people who hire cleaners, I feel like the cleaner would be judging ME.
I have mentioned in other responses that I typically significantly under-utilize paid help, even though I know it might make my life easier. I’ve thought about that more and it carries over to many categories. My husband fixes our appliances and we never hire people to do it. If it’s something we can possibly do for ourselves, we do, including growing some of our own food, making all our own bread and soap – but we also have the time and specific skills to be able to do so, and I know not everyone does or wants to be able to do so.
I second that objection, Holly. I view my home as a very private and personal space and would feel almost violated if someone came through cleaning it, especially if I were not there. I wonder how much of that is our personalities? We, too, are DIYers and that independent spirit carries through to all home maintenance and projects. I joke that if someone were to hire a cleaner for me, I would have to pick up first anyway, so what’s the point? I make the job easier and more cost-effective by using the basic homemade cleansers and detergents. It’s like second nature at this point, even as a full-time work-outside-the-home mom.
We have cleaners (four women, about an hour, $65) come and clean our two-bedroom, two-bath 1100-suqare-foot house every other week. I look at it as an investment that reduces marital conflict (it’s my husband who is tidy to the extreme; I’m just not as tidy) and frees up time that we can spend with our our 6-year-old son. We both work full time, and I have a very long commute, as well as some health issues, including chronic back pain. I want to spend the weekend doing things with my son and husband, not cleaning the bathroom and risking aggravating my back. I recommend that anyone, including stay-at-home moms (talk about exhausting work!), who can afford to have cleaning help do it—and never feel one iota of guilt about it.
Obviously you’ve hit on a HOT topic, Meagan! Nicely written, too.
I’d like to share a few thoughts. One, while I disagree with some of MamaMeYeah’s comments, you definitely make a valid point-that ties in well with Meagan’s original post-about the size of American homes. I just found a university website (http://www.hws.edu/dailyupdate/NewsDetails.aspx?aid=13804) that said the average American home size in 2009 was around 2,300 square feet-more than double the 1950 average. I’m willing to bet that homes in Louisa May Alcott’s time were even dinkier!
Add to that the fact that, despite lacking our modern technological conveniences, most homes of Alcott’s time didn’t have bathrooms to clean or carpets to vacuum (although they’d have had rugs to beat). Larger homes may have had a fancy clawfoot tub to clean, but I’m sure most homes had far fewer spaces to worry about cleaning than most of us do today. And they STILL hired help when they could!
After living in New Zealand for the past three years and coming back to California, it’s hit me again just how BIG everything in America is-do we REALLY need so much big everything?? Not begrudging anyone who has a big home-just saying that for me, it’s becoming clear that sometimes, less IS more. Kind of like the discovery I made early on in teaching-the more assignments I give, the more I have to grade!! It’s wise to be judicious in our space choices too-the more rooms we have, the more we have to clean!
On the subject of hiring help, however, some other thoughts: one, again-this is a pretty uniquely American dilemma, from my moderate experience of other cultures. And possibly one directly caused by the rise of modern feminism-one of the downsides of a movement that started with equality in mind, but has left so many American women feeling stressed at best, or suicidal at worst because of the pressure to do and be it all. We really do need to step back, take a deep breath, and accept that we just aren’t cut out to do EVERYTHING well, ALL the time! The up side of all this, however, is that we DO have the liberty of choosing so many aspects of our lives as American women. I realize everyone has constraints-physical, social, economic, geographic, etc-but in some places on the planet, a woman can work hard her entire life and NEVER have the option to choose much of anything she does. We are supremely blessed in this regard.
Also, to those worried about the class issues of hiring housecleaners, I see your point, but let me share another side of the story to consider. When I was born, my father shared a janitorial business with my grandfather, which he’d founded a number of years earlier. My grandfather mostly maintained the commercial accounts around the South San Francisco Bay Area (schools, churches, office buildings, banks), and my father covered the domestic accounts. Growing up, we kids (my parents had four of us within six years) would tag along with both my dad and my grandpa, and were carefully trained in the business of cleaning-as well as how to run a business! This was INVALUABLE training for us, and I wouldn’t trade it for the world. To this day, every time I clean the bathroom-or virtually anything for that matter!-I picture my dad walking through each task step by step, making sure I did it carefully and up to his exacting standard. We all took pride in a job well done, and were even paid a bit as kids for our work-pretty cool for a ten-year-old!
Later, when I was a teenager (by that time my dad had moved on from the janitorial business, but my grandfather kept a few of his smaller accounts), I took on babysitting/nannying jobs, and did some housecleaning as well for those families. I always got rave reviews, strong referrals, and by the time I was eighteen, had saved up a nice little sum for myself, which I used to travel overseas.
I could share more stories of other family members and friends who have held similar jobs at various times, and all of us would consider ourselves lower-middle class living here in Silicon Valley (realizing I don’t know the true economic definitions of class in today’s world, but knowing I live a heck of a lot better than most of my urban students’ families did when I was teaching not long ago). At some point, a job is a job, and you decide what’s best for you and your family, and do it. I think most people in virtually any country on Earth would agree that working for a living is honorable, regardless of the relative pay scale between types of jobs. I will never make what a surgeon does, but I also don’t want to do his/her job!
We can’t afford help at the moment, but I sure would love to hire a fun college student type to come play with my toddler son a couple times per week so I could get more actual work done (I’m a part-time English teacher so there’s ALWAYS grading to do, and my son doesn’t understand that yet and just wants to play!). As soon as we can, though, I’m doing it-no guilt whatsoever! Thanks for the post, Meagan!
I don’t clean. Not because I’ve hired a cleaning service, but because my partner is the one who does the cleaning. I grocery shop, cook, and manage our finances. He cleans and does laundry.
I wonder if those people who judge others for hiring outside help are living off the grid and growing all of their own food as well? We have decided to dedicate a significant amount of time this spring/summer to our garden so that we can provide a sustainable food source for our families and be less dependent on food that is coming from companies that exploit their workers and the environment. If the time we spend in the garden means that we have to hire help with cleaning, I wouldn’t hesitate at all. I know that I could hire and pay someone a decent wage for cleaning our home. I don’t know that the food companies that most people buy from are paying people decent wages and giving them decent working conditions.
I think that we all depend on a lot of outside help and if it isn’t for cleaning, we are using other types of outside help. Other than those people living completely off the grid and doing everything themselves or in a communal fashion with others, then I don’t think there is much room to judge.
Exactly right!
First-world societies are built upon the labor of human beings – some of which is properly compensated and some of which is horrifically exploited. Farm workers are an excellent example of the latter (yes, even for all those fancy organic foods sold at Whole Foods).
I pay my housekeeper $20/hr to do the deep cleaning in my very small house (1100 sq ft, built in 1929), not because I think I’m better than the task or her, but because I’m not good at it and don’t enjoy living in a dirty or unkempt home. But I fear I’m justifying myself, and I don’t have to. My housekeeper makes a living wage cleaning houses, and she takes pride in her work (I often notice that she arranges my daughter’s toys in creative ways on her shelves, even though we just generally store the toys in buckets). I asked her to set her price for her work, and I don’t supervise her while she does it. She makes good money, she does good work, I appreciate it immensely, and I like to think we’re both better off.
There really is no room to judge, so I’m totally uninterested in the judgments of anyone whose hands cannot possibly be clean of the crimes they protest.
To all who say “there’s no room to judge”…I am really just stating how I feel about household help, I may be saying it in judgmental tones, and that may reflect my feelings on the matter, but what’s the point of discussion if you’re not going to ASSERT an opinion. It seems to be the thing on these mommy blogs to EITHER be part of the club that all agrees and goes on about how hard one’s life is and how we have to, as such hardworking moms do A, B or C just to get along…or, have a different view and meekly add “but I won’t judge anyone who does…” Well, I don’t feel the need to overstate and overwork the “not judging” thing, because, I do kinda judge. Not in a “I think I am better than you, you deserve to die you moron” way, but in a “I think my way on this is more enlightened, I am more in touch with something I think is better” way.
Now I am trying to do a new thing where I let my ego fall away and I don’t go around being “more enlightened” on topics than others…however, it’s going to be a long process and I don’t expect to be “over it” any time soon…and I would say I am not alone in this bad habit.
Anyway, to those who keep acting like if you buy from stores or get haircuts or do any other modern conveniences type thing you have “no room to judge” the household help bit, I would disagree. I would reiterate…for the gazillionth time…that we CAN control what goes on in our homes more than what we can control out in the world, in the factories in the fields, etc. and I would say I *do* try to be conscious of problems in these areas, too, but at least MY HOME is not a place of stratification and domination. And YOU HAVE GOT TO START SOMEWHERE, don’t you? (also, I *am* trying to grow some of our own food, but that is an aside…)
“I’ll start in my home” is one philosophy.
Another philosophy is to tackle the greatest evils first. I think that the working conditions on farms, plantations and factories in many developing countries are significantly worse than the working conditions of any North American cleaning personnel.
So, yes, we have to start “somewhere” and we may all have different definitions of where that “somewhere” is.
“Another philosophy is to tackle the greatest evils first.”
Meh. Cop out. If your own home is not in order that falls flat, IMO. I agree that the working conditions in those places are worse, but I can do far less to immediate stop that than I can do right now in my own life in my own home. I don’t think that those issues should NOT be bothered with. They should, but it’s an easy out for those who want to pretend they have more important things to do than care for their own homes (or kids!).
I like what you said about starting in your home-because that’s what I do, too, even if the end result doesn’t look the same. To me, that means working with people in a way I feel good about, fairly, with respect and integrity.
“It seems to be the thing on these mommy blogs to EITHER be part of the club that all agrees and goes on about how hard one’s life is and how we have to, as such hardworking moms do A, B or C just to get along”
Actually, that really couldn’t be further from the tone I’ve worked very hard to set on this particular blog. I write a lot about managing households with a positive attitude and more important, motherhood with a positive attitude. Listen, I don’t think housecleaning is that HARD. There’s not one job my cleaning person does that I can’t do. I also don’t look at it as drudgery or menial labor-if I did, I’d feel much more conflicted about hiring it out. To me, it’s a matter of managing my time-I’ve been building a career for years, I have multiple kids of different ages, and I’ve gotten to the point where outsourcing SOMETHING makes sense. Frankly it’s easier to trust somebody with my home than with my kids and though hiring a business assistant sounds nice, I’m still working out exactly what I’d have them do that I can’t do better and more quickly myself. On the other hand, my cleaning person is better and more efficient at cleaning my house than I am. So, while you might think hiring a housecleaner is silly, for me, it’s freed up time for other things. Notice I never said BETTER things, just OTHER things.
Other people may have other motivations for hiring help, and maybe for some it’s pure luxury. But we all have our luxuries big and small, and it feels disingenuous to single household help out. The social/class issues raised are worth discussing but I feel like we’re conflating the two and they really need to be separated out.
Sorry, Meagan. I am new to your blog in particular, so I’m not familiar with the ongoing and general theme and tenor. Just speaking to my own experiences on this thread and other discussions.
gosh, i would LOVE some help with a cleaning service, but have felt too guilty about the cost. your thoughts really helped! maybe someday…
I am always tired and for obvious reasons hate cleaning. I am am engineer. I also HATE doing my hair. Back in the ‘good old days’ men worked full time and the women supposedly did all the house work. Of that’s the case, then now that I work full time and make just as much money as my husband, why should I do any house work? I personally don’t see why I should have to do my long hair too. I plan to cut it.
I don’t really know what it is to be a woman, anymore. I am definitely not gay, and I’m not boyish, but I have a demanding job. Working long hours and competing in corporate environments (yes, even engineers have office politics to worry about) zaps the feminine dew out of my vagina. I want to come home to a hot meal, and a nice person who smells good. I don’t have the energy to be that person.
I was unemployed for a while. We had plenty of money saved for the occasion. You’d think this would awaken my home making abilities. I spent most of the time worrying about getting a job and marketing myself, just as most men would. I got depressed about it. If we have to work and compete like men, why is it unattractive to indulge ourselves like men?
I say hire the help. And if you’re single, hire a cute guy and enjoy the eye candy. Trust me ladies, our male counterparts aren’t going to wait for us to catch up in our heels (after being up late mopping the floors) while they hustle for the next promotion.
I know I’m chiming in late…but I just wanted to say that Martha Stewart is the go to gal for all things domestic. She has created an empire out of it and I dare say Ms. Stewart does not clean her many homes entirely by herself. You can know how to do things and still have someone else do them sometimes.
The only paid help I currently employ is a cat sitter. There is just me and my husband. We both work outside of the home full time and it would be fantastic to have help. If only to spend my weekends doing something other than chores. I’ve always wanted a housekeeper and I think it makes sense for working professionals who want to enjoy life. Nothing to feel ashamed about. Even if it was three times a week, help would be awesome for me. All he housework falls on me and the cooking. At least he does his own laundry.
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My husband is in the military and we have 3 little kids. I work as a marriage therapist. He has been gone for almost a year now and keeping up with everything by myself is very overwhelming. Since I do work, I prefer to spend the time I do have at home with my kids – playing and spending quality time with them was worth the money that I spent to have some come and clean for me. Then after the kids were in bed I had way less to worry about. Less stress, more sleep and a clean house = one happy momma and 3 happy kiddos. It was so worth it to me
Heck I hired a cleaner once a week when I was a single, full time working woman with no children. Now I have a family it’s imperative that someone looks after the house. I have someone come weekly, my daughter is at play school in the day, My partner and I are out all day for work. Evenings? We plan, we cook, we sometimes chill… Weekends? Family time. I’m even thinking of either hiring someone for ironing (at the moment only my partners suits and shorts get ironed at all) and even hiring a live in maid/pseudo mum to look after us so we can focus on work and family life.
We are not rich. It’s just necessary. OK maybe the live in help sounds indulgent, but why not indulge, if you can?
Why does life have to be just working, running, meeting deadlines, being stressed, pushing ourselves to the limit, sacrifying time for ourselves and just eliminating our personal needs from what’s factored in under the heading called Priorities? What do we have to prove, and who do we have to prove it to? I could find a practical justification if I wanted to, to substantiate the need for having a cleaner as essential. The fact is – I don’t feel I want to. I’m not apologetic about wanting help. Help me doing what I find so tedious that if I do it one more time, I’m going to explode. Help me keep this house livable, because I want to use my time and energies in other more productive tasks. Help me quite simply because, I’m not able to do it all by myself and remain sane at the same time.