From the huge reaction the post is getting, it’s obvious it’s striking a nerve with a lot of moms.
I used to worry that not only was I failing to do a good enough job at parenting, but that I wasn’t enjoying it enough. Double failure. I felt guilty because I wasn’t in parental ecstasy every hour of every day and I wasn’t MAKING THE MOST OF EVERY MOMENT like the mamas in the parenting magazines seemed to be doing. I felt guilty because honestly, I was tired and cranky and ready for the day to be over quite often. And because I knew that one day, I’d wake up and the kids would be gone, and I’d be the old lady in the grocery store with my hand over my heart. Would I be able to say I enjoyed every moment? No.
Uh-huh. I’ve been there.
But I can’t help but feel a twinge of discomfort when I read that kind of raw honesty about motherhood, and then the hundreds of comments venting about the fake “happy mommies” and their unrealistic advice and reassurances. Because for the most part? I am that old lady.
Even though I wouldn’t dare to tell a struggling mom “Some day you’ll look back on this and wish…” (I’m a new-enough mom that I can fully remember how annoying that is!), I’ve been doing this motherhood thing long enough to see how much perception shapes reality; how quickly the time flies, how much I wish I’d gone easier on myself in those early years as a mom and simply enjoyed it, moment to moment: not every moment, no; and not as some kind of contest or good-motherhood requirement, but simply because I deserved to feel good about what I was doing, and because even in the midst of the hard stuff there was almost always beauty to be found…if I could just breathe, take a step back, and look.
I hope newer moms understand the difference. And I think Glennon does. Her post goes on to describe the different kinds of time: Chronos, the minutes that creep by when you’re waiting for bedtime, the slow crawl of the clock during the witching hour…and Kairos, God’s time, the magical moments:
Like when I’m stuck in chronos time in the grocery line and I’m haggard and annoyed and angry at the slow check-out clerk. And then I look at my cart and I’m transported out of chronos. And suddenly I notice the piles and piles of healthy food I’ll feed my children to grow their bodies and minds and I remember that most of the world’s mamas would kill for this opportunity. This chance to stand in a grocery line with enough money to pay. And I just stare at my cart. At the abundance. The bounty. Thank you, God. Kairos.
In the 14 years since I’ve become a mom, I’ve gradually gotten better at coping with motherhood’s ups and downs. Some of that is because I’m finally neither nursing ’round the clock nor pregnant and am getting a decent night’s sleep. Partly it’s because my older children no longer bolt at the grocery store and I can even count on them to babysit their toddler sister for a half-hour while I run an errand. Partly it’s because nearly a decade and a half of parenting has given me superior selective-hearing and tuning-out-chaos abilities. And in large part, it’s because I’ve worked hard at it.
But after reading Glennon’s post I think I’ve figured out another reason: I’ve had enough time for those Kairos moments to add up and blend together and create a warm, fuzzy background; a context against which the Chronos moments start to seem less powerful, less pervasive.
When your oldest child is three or four, each Chronos moment still represents such a large percentage of your life as a mother: it’s easy to get the feeling that those sweaty, flustered, confused, exhausted moments will always make up the bulk of your days. But as the kids get older, those moments of peace and clarity and wonder – the Kairos – create a thick, warm blanket in the background, and you realize that despite all the mistakes you made, all the less-than-ideal choices you made, the Kairos moments always meant more than the Chronos.
So I am the old lady at the store, the one wanting you to enjoy the moments, to seize the day. But if I had one hope for newer moms, it wouldn’t be to try to wish away the Chronos moments, nor would it be to ignore the hard stuff, pretend it doesn’t exist, or to enjoy every single moment – because yes, that is impossible.
Instead, it would be to lift the Kairos up. To make a little extra space for them in your soul. To make them count just as much as – more than – the hard parts, even if they don’t seem to come quite as often. To give yourself a little credit for the fact that you have them at all and to give them more credence in your memory and the way you feel about your parenting.
That’s what this blog is about. I’m trying to remind moms – trying to remind myself! – that we do have a choice: to elevate the snuggles and the laughs above the vomit and bickering and spilled milk. To set up our lives in such a way that we’re more rested, more ready, more able to cope with it all. To forgive ourselves when we screw up and move past the unrealistic expectations that make those moments of “failure” feel so much more awful to begin with.
Untainted, all-day-long blissful happiness is impossible for anyone, but we aren’t victims of circumstance: we really can choose to be happier moms.
Even in the midst of the Chronos moments.
Or at least, in anticipation of Kairos.
Thanks to Glennon at Momastery for inspiring this post!
I love so many things about her article, and your thoughts on it, but I wanted to say that the other reason the Chronos/Kairos thing really resonates with me is that I wrote my master’s thesis on how the Orthodox Church understands time and space (and how the two combine in physical space), and I definitely explored how chronos and kairos fit into that.
In any case, I needed that today (am in the middle of a very arduous Mt. Everest climb these days) and thanks for sharing. I feel very guilty about not enjoying every moment (who are we kidding–I would say I’m not really enjoying it At.All right now), but I keep coming back to the fact that the years when they are under-five are very short (even if the days/weeks are long) and that I will have adult children much longer than I will have toddlers. And those are the years I’m looking forward to. And that is why we are planning to have five children, even though we are completely overwhelmed with three right now.
Oh, and those people who look at me with my double ERGOs (baby on the front, toddler on the back) and older toddler in tow with something akin to horror on their faces and say something that almost sounds sympathetic and yet really just sounds horrified, “You really have your hands full, don’t you?” Not helpful. Because really, what they are saying is, “You really just couldn’t control yourself, could you? And so you deserve every snotty-nosed, pukey-baby, toddler-potty accident problem you have right now.” I happen to think children are a good thing (especially if we want to, you know, continue the human race), but that the years when they are young are just hard. But you put your shoulder to the wheel and keep on pushing, because someday, they will help you push and the load will get lighter.
I really like this! The chronos/kairos thing makes sense — I remember saying to my husband in our sleepless newborn days “Did everyone forget how tired you are all the time??” when people kept saying, “Aw, I want another baby, they’re so cute!”
We have a 20 month old, and have been debating when to attempt kid #2, but I’ve been putting it off, mostly because I remember how tired I was, and I just don’t want to go there again yet. Maybe I just need another year for the Chronos to fade to Kairos. 🙂
Just what I needed to hear today. Well said. Thank you!
Perfectly said. Loved it.
Mom of 12 & 14 year old chiming in. Yes!! I was a frazzled new mom when my kids were young but I found that trying to keep my eyes on the Kairos has been the key to enjoying motherhood at every stage. No, it wasn’t always possible or easy. But it was something I actively looked for.
I try not to say stuff to new moms about how fast it goes and how they should enjoy it but sometimes I just can’t help it. I remember how hard the young years are and at the same time to see my kids on the verge of high school breaks my heart and makes me want to shout from the mountaintops to younger moms to enjoy. To pause and consider how blessed they are to have so much time in front of them.
Being a mom is hard. Being a mom is awesome. It’s both. 🙂
I have long been (mildly) troubled by my inability to live in the moment–any moment. Invariably, I find myself mentally stepping back and observing, rather than simply experiencing. So I was really pleased when one of my commenters said “I’ve noticed that you both really do live in the moment and appreciate all the highs and lows of parenting.”
I have a lot of moments that are exhausting and maddening. I work as hard as I can to get through and past them, but in the good moments, I try to think about how to get more out of the “bad” ones. Right now, Baguette needs me–all the time, and with undivided attention. It’s taken me the better part of half an hour to type this comment.
But as I was thinking about her needs last night, I thought, “She’s not going to want me around forever. I want to do other things, and I’ll have time later. I should try to appreciate her clinginess, not get frustrated by it, because all too soon, she won’t want to sprawl all over me and have me watch kids’ TV with her.”
Mind you, I don’t know how I’ll get lunch made for the next day while i revel in Sesame Street with her.
I’ve definitely done the “stepping outside myself and observing” thing, and still do. I’m a dreamer/schemer/thinker and it’s not always easy to be in the moment. But I think of a yoga instructor I once had, who would lead us through the meditation part and say “If you find your thoughts wandering, just turn them back to the present. Don’t judge. Just notice.” I loved that! I feel like I have a successful day if I just make the effort to NOTICE what I’m doing, in thought and action. I don’t have to judge myself harshly or feel like a failure. Just notice.
This is a great post! And I could definitely use it after a couple sleepless nights and several months of intense, solo parenting. I’m sure that I am in a minority, however, because when people say things like that to me I don’t get annoyed. It serves as a reminder that yes, indeed, these moments are precious and will not last. It’s so short. Already my kids are school-age and I’d love to have a big pregnant belly, or a little toddler running amok, even a snotty-nosed preschooler, but chances are none of that will happen for me again. So I’m glad for the connection when people make a comment about my kids (even the “you sure have your hands full” when yes, indeed, the only ways my hands could be fuller is if I was actually throttling one of my kids). I feel that these strangers are appreciating the sweetness of my children, which I had somehow overlooked momentarily.
I am also glad for this post so I could vent about other mom’s insane need to feel bitchy about.every.little.thing! I cannot tell you how many times I’ve stoically listened as some mom tells me how annoying it is to have some older person say these things to them. Finally, I can say it. Get the fuck over yourselves. Is it a widow making that comment? Maybe she is lonely, maybe seeing you with your wild kids brings back sweet memories of when her adult children (who probably didn’t come home for Christmas) were still young. Maybe you should try using it as a reminder to feel a little compassion for someone instead of being so concerned about “how hard it is” (insert whiny voice). Been there, still doing it…. But, man, I totally get where those old ladies are coming from.
Could have done without the language there. And the attitude. You sound a bit like a 14 year old yourself.
I recently wrote a post on Children. The fact that I stink as a mom for so many reasons yet love the fact that children are innocent and honest in all they do (insert the “Oh yeah, well mine weren’t so innocent when…” here.)
I really think guilt , joy, anger, frustration, love, pleasure etc. all come with being a mom. We are human, make crappy decisions often, get annoyed even more often, and love our kids with so much power we would step in front of a bus for them…most of the time 😉
Thank you, Meagan, you have managed to articulate my own thoughts about this article but could not quite put into words. The topic of my own blog is how to live more in the moment with the people you love. I lived for 2 years completely distracted and missed so many precious moments with my kids that I will never get back. I am grateful for reminders, even from little old ladies in the grocery store, to cherish the moments. I need those reminders (or wake up calls.) Granted, parenting is not one continuous “beautiful moment,” but if you are constantly watching the clock, wishing time away, or distracted by your electronic devices, you will miss the moments that make life worth living. (I call them “Sunset Moments.”) I have found that having a mindset of gratitude for what I DO have has made me a happier, more present person, as well.
Thank you for your insight and loving way of expressing your opinion. I appreciate the way you articulate your thoughts without judgement or ridicule.
I think that’s what it is for me…being open to those reminders, rather than greeting them with defensiveness or a feeling of inadequacy. Which, let’s face it, is HARD. We don’t have to have everything figured out every day; I think the key is just being open to the messages we’re getting, open to a different way of looking at things. Thank you for the comment!
I really appreciate your perspective on this. I loved the Carpe Diem article, but also relate to the experienced mothers who remind us that someday we’ll miss this season. My baby turned 4 today, and he’s likely the only child I’ll ever have. His childhood is going by way too fast. I have plenty of stressful moments and days, and there is no way I would be able to love every minute. But the joys of caring for a little one far outweigh the stresses, and I try my best to hold onto the moments that I know I will miss someday (I already miss so many of the ones from when he was an infant and toddler as opposed to his current preschool stage.)
Great stuff, Meagan! Love your image of making a protective blanket out of the good stuff. I wrote about something similar this week, but described it as big picture vs. small picture.
Just read yours, Judi – what an awesome article! I’ll have to link to it.
Okay, I have one of those awful grocery shopping experiences recently when I did everything wrong – I brought both kids to the super-market at 5pm when we needed everything!!! BUT, I LOVE being a mother! I have a 4 and 6 year old and I wish I could have had more! I had my children later, I always wanted kids, and I am never not amazed at the miracle of my children and their innocence and scenes of wonder. I honestly can’t get enough! I think there are 2 thing at play for others. Not everyone woman loves it, period. It don’t make them bad people and it doesn’t even make them bad mothers. The other thing that happens sometimes, I think is just an attitude thing (like looking at the glass as half full or half empty). I choose half full!
I love reading such a thoughtful, well written essay. I don’t think there is a black and white answer to staying in the moment, being grateful. For some, it’s much harder work than others- because of childhood, biology, circumstance, temperment. I actually find I have to work much harder at it now, at 37, married with four kids, than I did at 20 as a single, unwed mom with no money. It’s not a matter of ‘should’, it’s more of a what do you need to do to get where you want to be feeling, and how much of that can you do, and how much do you have to let go of? For me, I had a lot of work to do on my childhood wounds, and there wasn’t an easy ‘ look on the bright side ‘ answer to that. Just hard work.
I always run in to the little old lady when I am at the supermarket with the 7,4 and 2 year old and all hell is breaking lose. She actually brings me comfort but wish that she would offer a helping hand while telling me that I will miss these crazy days.
Oh thank you for writing this. I’d read the Carpe Diem post and while I agree with a lot of it (and had my own disastrous waiting-in-line-experience just today at Target) I also felt like I am a bit that old lady and I do want to seize each day. You represent a perfect balance here (not just with this post but with everything you write). Thank you.
Your post, and the Momastery one, and a conversation I had with my pregnant friend all came together and inspired me to write a post as well…
http://theminddoeswander.wordpress.com/2012/01/08/speaking-of-babies/
Thanks so much!
I often don’t mind those sorts of comments from strangers. Especially the “you’ve got your hands full” one. Inane, but I usually take it as an ice-breaker. If I’m not feeling chatty, I don’t take the bait. If I am feeling chatty, I may take it as an opportunity for an exchange of a few pleasantries with another adult.
But I see where “Enjoy every moment” can go wrong. Timing and intention matter. Is it a genuine attempt at a mutual connection? Great. Is it delivered only to bring voice to the commenter’s nostalgia with no regard to the frame of mind of the listener? Hm. may result in eye-roll. Is it a thinly-veiled chastisement to perform the Good Mother properly? That’s when the righteous venting begins. Though, yeah, venting often also begins long before it’s righteous.
Meagan, I don’t think you _are_ that old lady. I think you are attuned to the people around you and I think that you would be perceptive enough to know when “enjoy it” is just about the last thing a frazzled mom wanted to hear. And you’re definitely not flippantly handing out unrealistic advice and reassurances. Some people are. I hope you don’t get many people confusing you with them. Your writing is always so well thought-out.
Furthermore, I don’t think it’s unsupportive to advocate a positive attitude. I think it’s empowering. And there’s definitely a difference between writing about empowering ourselves to enjoy motherhood because we deserve to and accosting a harried stranger with unsolicited advice.
Finally (and I don’t know how to write this without sounding pedantic), there’s a little ambiguity in the phrasing of having “a choice” that bothers me. I would feel much better about considering that I have _some_ choice. When it’s phrased as _a_ choice, that can be empowering, if that choice is _one extra_ tool in the tool box. Or it can be undermining if _a_ choice is _the_ choice, the only tool I need: a positive attitude. By which I mean, if I’m feeling overwhelmed/down/frustrated/unappreciated/haggard… I don’t want someone to tell me that not ONLY do I have a time-management/toddler-discipline/sibling-rivalry/whatever problem but I ALSO have an attitude problem – or yikes – that I don’t REALLY have a time-management/toddler-discipline/sibling-rivalry/whatever problem but I ONLY have an attitude problem, that I’m imagining or entirely creating the other problems for myself.
Karen, your comments are always so thoughtful. I do see your point about having “a” choice. To clarify, I think we all make many choices throughout the day and that each of those choices has the power to shape and change our perspectives and perceptions for the better or for the worse. But sometimes we’re stuck in crummy circumstances or life is just hard for a variety of reasons. Even in that situation I think we can make choices that help the situation go more easily or just let ourselves off the hook a bit, but it’s not black-or-white, “EITHER you have a positive attitude OR you’ll be miserable…” More like…here’s the crappy situation you’re in, but is there something you can do to make it even a tiny bit easier on yourself? I think most of the time the answer is yes. Sometimes, though, it’s just crap, and you have to wade through it for a while before you can come out the other side.
I loved Glennon’s essay and related. But I love this blog and feel connected, too. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, right? It’s in the imperfections, the frustrations, and the daily affirmations that I know motherhood is the most beautiful and powerful thing that has ever happened to me. But we must be willing to make ourselves vulnerable and relatable as we journey through, so that we can lean on each other for support and celebrations for we know that with every up is a down and every “atta girl” there is a “what do I do?!”
I am a newISH mom (my kids are 5 and 6). My newER mom friends often asked me how I DID the BABy thing with 2 babies back to back. I often tell them “I don’t remember the bad stuff.” AND that is the truth. They are only 5 adn 6 and all the struggles and tears etc…are just sort of a blur. They are 5 and 6 and I can say “time goes fast…cherish this time…you won’t remember the hard parts…”
I think when strangers comment in the grocery store it is because I think even the good stuff sort of fades and I think maybe people focus on the hard stuff and wished they had cherished their early years more. They look at young children with a sense of longing…having gone through it…knowing it will be over for us cause it’s over for them..wishing they were us…wishing they had their ‘babies” back.
I don’t know, I am rambling…but I will say for instance my own mother and father-in-law for that matter…only want the good stuff. To the point of annoying and not letting me parent at times THEY just went everything to be smooth sailing and maybe that stems from the knowledge that TIME is Fleeting and we can’t get it back.
I started reading this post thinking I must be a weirdo because it never, ever bothers me for older folks to tell me to enjoy my son’s youth. I just tell them that I do enjoy everything I can. I can’t enjoy sleepless nights. I can’t enjoy numberless doctor visits. I can’t enjoy feeling like the servant of two masters because I still work outside the home. I don’t think the old folks are telling me I should enjoy those things. I think they are telling me to enjoy being mommy, to enjoy all the kisses and the clinginess, to enjoy being absolutely essential to someone. They are telling me to enjoy the one person in the universe who thinks I know everything and who thinks the world of me. It isn’t even a timeless moments thing. You just have to be open to the present and reject our society’s (and your child’s grandparents’) desire to pathologize childish behavior. So what if he needs to be held a lot. So what if he still has a binky. We can get so focused on meeting milestones and “fostering independence” that we fail to enjoy what there is to enjoy about parenting small children. It’s like you said, just don’t wish the time away.
I love that response! I think for me it’s not about ENJOYING every single moment (because really, who could?) but noticing…experiencing it. And even then, understanding that you will forget some of it, or be distracted, because we all are. It’s just a reminder, to me. Not an edict.
Thank you for this post, Meagan! It is way too easy to fall victim to the chronos misery, when we could cherish the kairos. This was right on time, as I am training myself to stop complaining. Welcoming kairos moments goes hand in hand with no longer focusing on the negative aspects of motherhood.
Great post! You hit the nail on the head. 🙂
As a mom of nine children, 19 down to 10 months, I’ve had the experience to know that those early years, hard as they may be, fade so quickly. I find myself more than ever, determined to enjoy every moment of my little ones. Yes, even the not-so-fun moments. All the sudden, my older kids are big…and I miss the days when they were young!
I have been that lady….because my perspective is different now. Yet, I’m still knee-deep in baby and toddler madness. And I do look at these difficult moments with more joy than I did in my early years of motherhood!
This reminded me of a post I wrote about the guilt moms feel when they don’t have time for “quiet times”. A slightly different topic, but speaks to finding joy (and encouragement) in the midst of the difficult days.
http://www.sacredmommyhood.com/2011/12/rowdy-holiness.html
Thanks for your perspective on this….
Thank you for writing this. I’m going to copy and post portions of this in my kitchen where it can remind me in the midst of frustration and sleeplessness that this too shall pass.
Good thoughts on Glennon’s post. The chronos/kairos contrast was a help for me, an often frazzled mom who feels short-circuited by my name being called every few seconds, back talk and kid screams, and the pressure of having to keep the peace in public. Sometimes, in God’s grace, His kairos is looking over my shoulder, ready to intercede when I’m not expecting it. See http://messageinamasonjar.com/2012/01/11/grace-in-the-grocery/. And I think what I wrote about there is a good example of what older mothers can do for younger ones in the public sphere. Instead of letting the sentiment get lost in the cliche of “it goes so fast– enjoy it while it lasts”, more experienced mothers can find something specific to say to this particular mom and these particular children. Comment on some good and beautiful behavior or feature you’ve noticed about the children. Let the mom know what she’s doing well. Grace in the Grocery. Kind words gifted in this uncommon way can really redeem the tedious chronos for a mom, elevating kairos (I like the way you put that), like it did for me. 🙂
I really relate to that article, and for those moms that stay at home I’m sure it resonates even more, since you have your kids for many more hours of the day! I do love being a mom, but there are ALWAYS moments that I’m pulling out my hair! She put all that into words really well. On one hand you don’t want to scare the daylights out of a new mom, but you shouldn’t sugar coat everything either!
I enjoyed the original article and I really like your assessment of it. I’m generally a pretty positive person and take all the “annoying” and difficult mom-moments in stride–but admittedly, it took time to get here!
I tend to get preachy about this sort of thing, so I’ll just say that the best I can do is to try and remember that each day with my kids is a gift. I can choose to go crazy over every little thing that doesn’t go the way I planned, or I can choose to deal with the situation and then move on from it quickly.
When you’re dealing with depression, one cannot simply choose to think happy thoughts, be positive. And saying that one can choose how to feel, adds more to the feeling of inadequacy. I get what you’re saying, but it’s not so simple for depressed moms.