As I’m writing this I’m 30,000 feet in the air on my way home from my fifth BlogHer conference. If you’ve never been, BlogHer is basically like a yearly trade show, business conference and class reunion all in one. Over the years it’s swelled to over 3,000 attendees, hundreds of which I interact with regularly via social media, and dozens of which I would like to spend serious time with in person. Then add in the sessions, the off-site events, and the sponsor booths, and the fact that it’s always held in a fabulous place: this year, San Diego…for a distract-able person like me, the endless options are both exhilarating and frustrating. I want to go to every session, connect with all my friends, attend every party, make lots of new friends, do work-related networking, and experience the host destination…all in less than three days.
But I can’t.
I’m opening this post with my BlogHer experience because it’s a good illustration of something I struggle with often: too many options and opportunities, all of which I want to answer with “yes.” Once in a while I say “yes” because I feel guilty saying “no,” but just as often it’s because I really want to be able to do everything, and manage to delude myself into thinking it’s possible.
For this year’s BlogHer I thought hard about what I wanted to get out of the conference before I made my plans. This year I decided that really connecting with a small number of people was my number-one objective, and in order to cut out some of the temptation and background noise, I opted to only attend the expo hall and social events. I left parties early rather than exhausting myself hanging on until the bitter end. I turned down dinner meetings because I just couldn’t figure out a way to make them fit.
And while that meant I didn’t get to hang out with some people nearly enough, when I boarded the plane I felt a sense of calm and accomplishment. I’d taken in some seriously gorgeous scenery, ate fish tacos (my main culinary objective) for two dinners and a lunch, spent real time with my fabulous roommates, enjoyed relaxing, un-rushed meals with some of my favorite people plus newer friends I loved getting to know better…and managed to get in enough business to justify the trip. No, I didn’t do it all, but the things I did, I really did.
So I’m using my BlogHer experience as a model for the rest of the week, and making “Saying No” this week’s Mindful Monday intention:
WHO: Me. And, when applicable, the rest of the family.
WHAT: Say “No” more often so I can say “yes” to the most important things.
WHY: I hate missing out on fun times or opportunities. But whether it’s taking on too many assignments at once (and deluding myself that I’ll be able to get them all done during naps), or over-booking my week with social engagements, I’m learning that sometimes saying “yes” too quickly turns into saying “no” to the really important things by default. Lately I’ve said “yes” to quite a few things and then later felt frazzled and regreftul, so it seems like a good time to re-focus on what matters right now.
HOW: Saying “no” isn’t easy for a yes-woman, but there are two things I think will help:
- Prioritize. My life isn’t perfectly balanced day by day – instead, I seem to focus more strongly on one area at a time. Sometimes, relaxing with the kids takes priority, while other weeks are all about work and still others are about getting the house in order. Since last week was work-heavy, this week is all about family for me…so I’ll keep that in mind when considering whether to say “yes” to something that comes up.
- Think before I say “yes.” This might mean taking a day or two to consider whether I can really fit something in, instead of feeling pressured to decide right away and making sure that everything ends up on my calendar so I don’t encounter any surprises later.
Saying “no” means I will miss out on some things, but it also means that I’ll be able to say “yes” to the things that are most important to me at any given time…and better yet, really experience and enjoy those things rather than feeling distracted or torn. Maybe saying “no” to many things is why I’m leaving San Diego feeling refreshed and energized rather than as though I was just hit by a truck…and why, while I didn’t have as many experiences as I usually do, the ones I did have felt so satisfying.
How about you? Do you ever have a hard time feeling like you’re “missing out” or feel reluctant to turn down opportunities or obligations? Want to join me in making “saying no” your Mindful Monday intention?
Since reading blogs was one of the things that went on my “don’t do” list over the weekend, I didn’t have any Sunday Reads to share this week. But tomorrow I’ll do a quick recap with links to some of the fabulous, funny women I met over the weekend. Check back or subscribe to my feed if you don’t want to miss a thing!
I needed this reminder, as I have a really big life changing decision ahead of me. While it may mean lots of good things for me and my family, it could cause me to lose time with them, the most precious thing of all. So it’s something I’ll need to weigh heavily. Thanks for the reminder.
I hear ya! Now if only I could say no to that giant pile of laundry from our combined family vacay slash BlogHer trip. 🙂
I think one of the best ways motherhood has changed me is that I’m not as afraid to say no. I used to be hyper-involved in community activities, extra committees at work, and was the first to organize an outing with friends. And that was great, but I’ve learned that I simply cannot do it all anymore without sacrificing sleep and sanity. I don’t always get it right, but I’ve become more mindful of protecting my family’s time. If nothing else, I’m more apt to question “do I REALLY want to do this?” before committing to anything. Meaghan, you should know that reading your blog and book was instrumental in helping me get to that point.
Ashley, that is just so nice to hear. Thank you 🙂
Boy, is this a great post. I, too, am a yes person. Lately, with the addition of a new bebe, I am finding how hard it is to cram things in. I am now forced to take a step back, think and then make a plan. I realized in the last two months that I was saying yes immediately and then having to reschedule when I realized that I wasn’t able to get everything done. Best to schedule less and actually follow through than feel like I’m not accomplishing everything I have set out to do.
Thanks for the post! I missed BlogHer this year, having my baby, but hope to get back there for the next conference…
I think it is important for me to remember that I say yes not because I can’t say no (I can!), but because I actually do want to do a lot of things. And how wonderful that I’m so engaged and excited by life that that is an issue. But I need to prioritize what is most important in any chapter in my life and that means saying no to some things that I’d really like to say yes to. Right now I’m saying no to art retreats and conferences that I’d really like to attend and could probably figure out how to arrange child care for, but really I most want to be with my baby when she’s little and the conferences will still be there later.
I went to BlogHer about 5 years ago and was totally overwhelmed. My biggest regret was that I didn’t make the personal connections. If I ever go again that’s what I’m going to focus on.
I have the opposite problem. I tend to say “no” too often. For those in the opposite camp, I think the best solution is to respond with “I’ll love to but I have to check my calendar”, mull it over a bit to decide if you really want to go and then reply. No one gets hurt because you gave it some thought and if you need to make excuses, you have time to give a thoughtful response.
Love that the same tactic can work for both “types.” I also use “Can I get back to you?” as a strategy to give me some time to consider and let ’em down easy if I have to say no.
I tend to say “no” too often, also. I’m a homebody by nature, and I struggle with last minute plans (where last minute can mean 2 days or less). My husband on the other hand, is a “yes” sayer, so we kind of balance each other. He’s learned I will need time to think something over, and I’ve learned to yes a little more often.
I’ve moved across the country, and often came back to the area in which I went to college (I now live there, once again). When I would come back for long weekends, I would try to squeeze as many friends in as possible–which meant either lots of individual breakfasts/lunches/etc., or getting together in big groups at some event. Neither really worked. Eventually I figured out that I didn’t *have* to tell everyone that I was coming, or that I would be able to do everything they thought of.
This really hit home when I was coming out to help with a close friend’s baby shower–I was one of the hostesses, and the other hostess and I were planning to spend the morning picking up the last items for favors, the cake, etc., and then setting up the event itself in the late afternoon. And then I got an invitation to another friend’s shower, about 40 minutes away, for an early afternoon party. For a moment I thought, “I could do both.” And then, thankfully, reality set it. That was the right choice–everything about the baby shower I was planning took longer than we expected, and I would have missed the other shower anyhow.
Be sure to link back to this prior to next year’s BlogHer as well! It is so easy to get sucked into the vortex and forget to have a purpose.
I bowed out of a few things – Sparklecorn and Aiming Low, for instance. I know I missed out on some fun stuff, but it was worth saving my sanity from overextending things.
Each BlogHer, I look at the agenda and prioritize what I want to attend and what I would like to get out of it. For example, last year, I focused on the writing sessions. I wasn’t happy with my blog and I wanted to reconsider what I was doing with it. This year, I decided to do the photography sessions/workshops and to just have fun with my new camera. Not necessarily blogging related, but it worked for me. (Meaning: I am not hoping to become a photo blogger!)
One thing that NEVER changes is that each I resolve to come home with a new friend. Just one. That’s all it takes. I have yet to fail on that one.
Who: Me
What: Get ready to move
Why: ‘Cause we’re moving in like a month!
How: Start informing billers/utilities/etc of our move, transfer/cancel services, collect boxes, wash laundry, wrap dishes in tissue etc. Also, check lists online for suggestions of things I need to do before I move!!
PS someone actually “reminded” me to have my husband call the utility co so HE could have them set up in HIS name and I didn’t flip out on them (externally). I think I may have to bake myself something delicious in honor of my graciousness in the face of jerkiness. I *did* however call and get them set up in my/our name like always since I’m a competent adult and generally the one who handles all the bills. Ugh, I’m so annoyed! Thanks for letting me vent in your combox-she has twitter so I can’t complain there! Lol.
CrunchyCon – that’s unbelievable! What, “the little woman” isn’t capable? (where are you moving, anyway?)
For me, I often want to say “yes” to everything because I want to measure up with the other moms who seem to be able to do it all. Rather than do it all, I should be trying to do what God wants me to do and do a few things well.
I just found your blog today, and am about to go buy your book! I am a mother of 5 as well (mine are 6, 4, 3, and 18 month old twins) and am already going back and forth between nodding in agreement (I AM a happy mom!) and learning (I could be happier!!).
Because I have so many young kids, I have the problem of saying NO too often–it’s either too overwhelming to take them all, or the invite isn’t worthy of leaving them for it! (Except our weekly date night, that is non-negotiable!) I am working on saying YES more in the same way, as it requires the same “going outside my knee-jerk response comfort-zone”.
So just 45 minutes in to finding your blog, and I’m already growing! Thanks!
Katie, thanks so much for the kind words and of course, for reading. I’ve posted a lot about the overwhelmingness of taking a bunch of little kids out. I think sometimes, saying YES more can also be a powerful resolution 🙂
I recently read a Kevin Henkes book (can’t remember which one), in which the family used an acronym for this: FMS. Fear of Missing Something. I thought it was a neat concept in the book because the kids were the ones using it–along the lines of “Are you doing this just because you have FMS?” I’ve gotten pretty good at saying No, and I would like my kids to be able to as well.
Love that! I’ve diagnosed myself before with FMO – Fear of Missing Out. Same concept, so glad to see it validated!
Terrific post, and so in sync with my thoughts. I literally just posted on this very topic (“The Value of Saying No”) and then ambled on over to read the latest on your blog before turning out the lights . . .
Really great post! I agree that it’s so good to focus on one goal going into a huge conference like BlogHer. Otherwise it’s just too overwhelming. Sounds like it paid off for you. By the way, I attended the Women Create Media conference Thursday and really enjoyed hearing you speak!
Ever since I read your book, I have been very mindful of trying to keep our schedule clear to do the things we really want to do as a family. It has greatly helped that we just moved to a new state, so the slate is somewhat clean to start. Back at home we were beyond busy with my business, work, hubby’s job, family events, and friends. Now it’s just hubby’s work and our “little family” events. It’s kind of lonely right now, but it’s also peaceful. I am working towards finding that happy balance, where we are productive, but also peaceful.
I guess this can go both ways…I always say No. Love to say No. So much free time….but when everyone else says yes, you don’t have many people to spend that time with because they’re all busy!! SO, this year, I finally said yes and am on my kids PTA Board…something fun, beautification committee. I’m excited, but in the back of my mind I’m wondering what I’ve gotten myself into. Usually once I’ve said yes, I get right back on my NO train.
Anyway, saw a picture of you with Kelle Hampton on her blog. That BlogHer conference must have been filled with my favorite people!
I usually try to pack in as much as possible but I do know my (and my children’s) limitations. Regardless of my regret and sometimes guilt about saying “no”, I trust myself that if it were realistically possible, I would make it happen.
Sometimes I feel like I’m missing out on great stuff but I try to tell myself that everything comes with a price. Maybe I could have squeezed in that last event BUT the kids would probably be really tired and cranky which makes me tired and cranky. Worth the price? Probably not. That usually helps…Usually.
Love, love your blog and book. It’s helping change my attitude and my life.
Amen, Meagan! I think you did a great job of limiting your choices of all the fun things to do at BlogHer. Tough, but smart. I need this advice too as I’m finding myself overwhelmed with work, home, and family: all good things but just not enough time to give each one all I want to.
Here is another helpful post from Gretchen Rubin on how to decide when to say yes: http://www.happiness-project.com/happiness_project/2011/07/7-tips-for-making-happy-decisions-about-how-to-spend-your-time-energy-and-money.html
I definitely have a hard time saying “no”. After almost every trip, I do have that hit-by-a-truck feeling, no matter what the occasion!
I am more than happy to join you in making “saying no” a priority this week 🙂
I did my first Mindful Monday post! I am so excited about it, and I feel that doing this every week is going to really help set a good direction for our family. http://amooseymommy.blogspot.com/2011/08/mindful-monday-make-connections.html
Obviously we need to graduate from BlogHer to a smaller gathering that is more tailored to us. I also felt like it was a successful weekend for me in terms of the outcome matching my expectations. I was pleased that I had adjusted my expectations.
Sorry, I am afraid my previous comment sounded jerky and implied the exclusion of others who might read it. I meant it in response to your note that we didn’t get to spend enough time together.
Translation: I like you too.