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How dads help make happy moms

by Meagan Francis on June 19, 2011

The other day I asked readers to share, here and on Twitter, how a great dad in their lives – their own father, their spouse, a grandpa, etc – makes them a happier mom. I got some great responses:

SusanP said:

“I could go on and on about my husband who is an excellent father. But for this I want to focus on my own Dad and how he has helped me be a happier mom in regards to my career.

Growing up, I had the traditional Mom who stayed home and Dad who worked full time. He was the breadwinner, but was not a total work horse either. He was out the door by 7am and in the door by 5:30pm every week night. He commuted to the city by train so his schedule was like clockwork. He never worked evenings or weekends. I have many many many happy memories of my childhood that are with my Dad. Dad was the one who’s lap I snuggled on as he read to me just about every night before bed. Dad was the one who played board games with us. He is the one who took us places on the weekend — parks, zoos, museums, etc. He is the one who took us on bike rides in the forest preserves. He is the one who helped me when I struggled with homework. He helped me train for softball try outs and came to a lot of the games to cheer me on when I made the team. He came to my band concerts. I could go on, but now to my point – my dad did all of these things while working full time outside the home. So when I reached a point in my life that I had to decide if I could manage a full time job after having kids, and I worried about not being with my kids 24/7 — I think of my Dad and how much we love each other. And how he’s been a huge part of my life from birth to 35… and somehow his job did not get in the way. He raised me to be the person I am just as much as my Mom did. So why should I feel guilty or unhappy about my decision? I can still be a great mom and work. It’s what you do when you are there that counts – building those bonds and memories doesn’t require 24/7 coverage. Without realizing it – Dad showed me how .”

Natasha said:

Of course, it’s about forcing myself to take a break, but when I do, he’s all for it! I feel so lucky to have this guy, even when I’m picking up his dirty socks ; )

Mariale said:

“My dad (mi papi): he’s the man of my life. He gave some of the most important values that had made me the woman I am now. If I am happy with myself as a person no doubt I am a happy mami for my daughter as well.

My husband (my daughter’s papi): I’m so happy only with the thought of her loving him as much as I love my dad. And I so look forward to see them loving each other and sharing all the lessons I got from my dad.”

and Rachel said:

“My husband’s unfailing belief in me, makes me want to be and helps me to be a better woman, wife, mom.”

What great tributes!

I’ll be sharing my own post about the way the dads in my life have helped me be a happier mom on Tuesday. My husband, sister and her boyfriend, and I took a weekend trip to the Stratford Shakespeare Festival this weekend, so we’ve spent most of today settling back into the house and cuddling with the kids.

But I wanted to say this tonight: if you were reading my blog last year you might remember that my dad died very unexpectedly a week or so after Father’s Day last year. Dad and I were never great about communicating by phone, and had never made much fuss over the “minor” holidays. I meant to call him on Father’s Day, but he was traveling, and we were driving home all day from a camping trip, and I just didn’t get around to it. And while logically I know better than to beat myself up over it, I’ll always regret not having made that call.

So even if it’s late, even if your relationship is awkward or strained or distant, even if you’re pretty sure you’ll get the voice mail…think about some way the dad in your life has made a positive impact, and make that call.

And of course, feel free to tell us about him in the comments to this post!

 
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3 ways to say "Happy Father’s Day" to your kids’ dad

by Meagan Francis on June 17, 2011

I’ve got nothing against ties and golf tees. But when it comes to really giving our male co-parents a treat, it’s nice to think beyond toys and neckwear and reflect on the way we can make every day better for the guy our kids call “Dad.”

Here are three practices I’ve found that help me show my husband more respect and appreciation in his role as a father and spouse. Even if your relationship with your child’s father is just cordial or even strained, you might find that trying these three things helps you find more common parenting ground and build a stronger relationship.

1. Adjust your expectations.

I’ve written quite a lot about how the damage unmet expectations can do to a relationship. Unfortunately, having children often brings the gap between expectation and reality into much harsher focus:

“I expected a few more dollars in the savings account, maybe another fifty on the paycheck. I expected Jon to provide so I could stay home. I expected him to spend his evenings pitching in around the house so that the weight of taking care of the kids and the home wouldn’t seem so overwhelming….
… when I couldn’t afford something I really wanted, and then another evening went by and the dishes piled up in the sink without him even glancing over, and another Friday evening went by without anything to do, I felt little stings of having been let down. My unvoiced, even unformed expectation had not been met. Eventually the disappointments stacked high, moldering and mildewing into martyrdom and resentment until our marriage was crumbling under the weight of hundreds of wet towels left lying on the bathroom floor.”

Expectations can take on so many insidious forms. Maybe you expect your spouse to help clean the kitchen after dinner but never actually ask him to chip in – you just assume he’ll figure it out if you sigh and stomp around enough. Or maybe you assume that, because you want to stay home with the kids, he’ll be totally willing to take on more hours at work…even though he’s pretty sick of his job by 5 PM as it is. We all have wishes, but it’s not really fair to expect them to come true without at least some discussion and an agreement by both parties.

Let me be clear: I don’t think we should have no expectations of the important people in our lives. I believe we owe one another love, respect, and honesty, for example. But I don’t expect that either Jon or myself will always get it right. And I can’t expect him to just “give” me a happy life…I also have to be willing to put in some of the work of seeking contentment. Sometimes that means realizing that my standards and opinions aren’t the only ones that matter, and that sometimes, what seemed like a perfectly reasonable expectation was really just setting myself up for disappointment and resentment.

2. Believe in him.

When it comes to parenting, it’s only too easy to unconsciously treat your baby’s daddy like he’s a baby, too. If you’ve ever played drill sergeant over the phone about applying sunscreen, the proper way to dish out baby food, or whether or not corn counts as a vegetable – while your husband is listening on the other end – you may have some of the control-freaky tendencies that make it so hard for some of us moms to express confidence in our men.

Taking a big step back and letting my husband figure out how to manage the kids his way was one of the smartest things I ever (eventually) did as a mom. Even if he doesn’t do everything my way, he’s a good, loving dad and giving him space to figure things out equals a closer relationship between him and his children and it takes a lot off my plate, too.

Believing in Jon goes beyond just knowing he can function as a father, though. I have “crack the whip” tendencies and sometimes have a hard time butting out: too often I feel the need to comment on the way he spends his leisure time, how he runs his business, or even his food and exercise choices. But I’m working on it. Ultimately, while I know my opinion matters, I also have to believe in him enough to know he’s doing his best…just like I am.

I believe co-parents have an enormous ability to lift one another up with quiet confidence and well-timed vocal support, and it’s my personal marriage mission to find more opportunities to show my husband I believe in him.

3. Embrace the dad he is.

You know how I’m always reminding other mothers to embrace the moms they really are – instead of some made-up image of a fantasy mom that doesn’t really exist? It’s not always easy to do for ourselves, and sometimes it can be even harder to be accepting of the people our co-parents are. For example, maybe you always had an image of family life that included your husband romping with a dog in the backyard – but it turns out he prefers cats and a comfy chair.

As a not particularly tech-oriented person, the fact that my geeky husband would often rather tinker with computer parts than go out and build a treehouse is sometimes hard for me to swallow. But hey, who says he’s the only one of us who can build treehouses anyway? As long as he’s got balance in his life, I can’t expect him to turn into Backwoods Bob just because I have some children’s book image of a pioneer dad buried deep in my psyche.

Point is, it’s his job to be the best version of the kind of dad he is, instead of trying to morph into somebody he’s not. If I want us to spend more time outside as a family that’s valid, but I also have to acknowledge that video gaming together can equal quality father-child bonding, too. As long as they don’t try to force a Wiimote into my hands, it’s all good.

How do you show your kids’ father you believe in him?

I’d love to hear from unmarried/unpartnered moms, too! Have you found ways to improve your relationship with your co-parent or demonstrate that you appreciate who he is as a dad?

Also, don’t forget to leave a comment on yesterday’s post about how a dad in your life makes you a happier mom. I’ll be sharing comments in a special post on Sunday.

 
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Weekly wrap up plus your tips for happy relationships

by Meagan Francis on February 19, 2011

 

If this is us in 50 years, I'll be very happy

Well, it’s time to wrap up the marriage and relationships theme we covered this week. I hate to move on already; I feel like I could talk about this topic for years. But it’s time to move on to the next topic in the countdown to my book launch! (Speaking of, wouldn’t you like to pre-order a copy?)

A quick wrap-up of the week:

I shared a lot of thoughts this week about my marriage, but I know all relationships are different. So I wanted to end this week’s topics with great tips from you. I asked for your best marriage tips on Facebook, Twitter, and in my blog comments, and got a lot of great stuff. Here they are:

Twitter buddies:

  • jenniferacomb: Respect, communication and teamwork. We’re celebrating our 10 year anniversary next month and we laugh more than ever!
  • postpartumprogr: After 20 yrs (17 married), I’m convinced that forgiving each other is what keeps us going.
  • AngEngland We promised when we got married than when we finished a fight, that was it. Stayed in the past. I think too many couples bring up old stuff in the midst of the current fight. Has to be room for growth!
  • kt_writes: this sounds so basic, but taking the time to talk and connect *every day.* just skipping one day lets distance creep in.
  • BirthingKristen: Shared laughter. Keeping romance AND friendship alive.
  • bikelady: My tip: Be mindful of the relationship. You have to do your best to stay tuned in. That takes thoughtfulness or mindfulness.
  • theshineproject through constantly bringing each other up, never tearing down. And through faith in God, prayer and scripture study
  • Cecilyk Time together, and time apart. In equal measure, and equally important.
  • lilysea Kiss every day. Even if you have not the time nor inclination to do more.

From The Happiest Mom Facebook page:

  • Denise Johnson Field Laughter, kisses, hugs, saying “I love you” at the end of EVERY phone conversation.
  • Jennifer Weir-Johnson We also do the above…and keep the fights ‘clean’ :]
  • Maegan Jones Laughing. It always gets things back on track.
  • Carolyn Woods Focus more on the positives, have low expectations and high hopes! Think about the jerk someone else is married to and my hubby seems like a dream. Remember why we got married in the first place.

From blog comments:

  • Jenn: Wake up each morning and think–what can I do to make this the best possible day for the man/woman lying next to me!
  • Olivia: I know for my marriage the most important thing is good communication. Every argument we’ve had was a result of poor communication or misunderstanding. Outsiders might even think we over do it, sounding like we are reading from a self help book, but it works.
  • Sarah: I’d say the single, most important thing that has made the difference in our lives is a willingness to be vulnerable. To say how x,y,z is really making us feel – rather than just sweeping an uncomfortable feeling under the proverbial carpet. I’m an optimist who hates confrontation. He’s a WASP who hates confrontation. So we lived for many years ignoring various elephants in the room because they were too scary to confront. We finally went to counseling to learn how to have uncomfortable dialogues in a healthy way. It was worth every penny. If you’re struggling to communicate…find an expert who will help you navigate the minefields together. If your spouse resists, make it clear that he/she is making a choice about your marriage.
  • Jen in MN: I grew up in a home where my parents NEVER dealt with anything. Ever. It was awful in various ways, to never hear the resolution of anything as a young child. Just the bickering, fighting….and then nothing. Go on and pretend as though nothing has happened. Ugh! I swore up & down that would never be me – but of course it’s a lot harder in practice than it is in theory. (-: My husband and I do strive for clear communication and for staying vulnerable with each other. We are far from perfect, but at 8.5 years in, we’re making our way.
  • S: Pick your battles and the right venue and time for it. Show your appreciation in everything, everywhere, every time. If we would just follow this……
  • Veena: For me, it’s important to take 100% responsibility for my side of the relationship…including my thoughts, feelings, beliefs, emotions, state of being, happiness. And to be willing to look at what isn’t working in those realms when issues arise. Where am I projecting? What am I expecting? Is it fair- to either of us? What is calling me to grow? Is there something to acknowledge, accept, forgive, love? Ultimately, my gorgeous man is my mirror…and he shows me what I find beautiful and ugly (and everything in between) in myself. Am I willing to love all of it- in both of us? And, am I willing to allow him to be 100% responsible for his stuff and his relationship with me? Ultimately, in all of it, how can we help each other grow into ourselves in this amazing journey together?

You guys are smart. I’ve really enjoyed discussing marriage and relationships with you all and it’s a topic I hope to revisit many times through the year. For now, it’s time to move on to a new topic: building your tribe, the friends and support system that will help you get through the hard parts of motherhood and make the rest of it more fun. Can’t wait!

*Image: Simon Howden / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

 
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Six ways to let go of resentments, move past old hurts, and forgive.

by Meagan Francis on February 18, 2011

Forgiving with a free heart will make you happier. Today. Right now.

The other day I wrote a post about letting go of expectations, and forgiving and forgetting when expectations aren’t met.

As I expected, the responses were passionate. And some of the private responses I received suggested I should demand better from my spouse and encourage others to do the same.

But how? I know, maybe issue an ultimatum.

Because those work so well!

Sarcasm aside, I’d love it if I could give you an easy five-step process to getting your husband to stop doing all those annoying, stupid and things he does, but I can’t. You can talk, you can use lots of “I” messages, you can create a checklist, you can hold regular meetings, and yes, those things will probably help, but I can’t make any guarantees. So, what options do you have?

Hey, don’t get me wrong. I’m not excusing everything your husband has ever done to make you mad. I bet some of it really was wrong. But then, what about our screw-ups, which I assure you are plentiful whether we notice them or not? How do I want to be treated when I mess up or fall down on the job or just fail to live up to what I promised to be?

Of course, knowing we’re imperfect too doesn’t mean it’s always easy to move past resentment-far from it. We are all different, and I don’t think there’s any one-size-fits-all process. But I believe you can strengthen your forgiveness muscle, if you’re willing to be open, ask yourself tough questions, and most important, just keep trying. Here are some things I find help me shift my perspective:

1) Look at the big picture.

Yes, it’s crazy-making when your significant other doesn’t clean up after himself, or forgets over and over what time the kids’ school bus comes, or overdraws the checking account, or (insert whatever irresponsible or frustrating thing he does here.)

But I have found that I tend to see the stuff that’s right in front of me, and the things in my sphere of notice tend to be: children, cleanliness of house, work.

Jon’s sphere looks different. He notices things like whether there are batteries in the house and whether I’ve updated the security on my computer and whether or not the car has gas. I might not always notice his contributions because they aren’t in my sphere of priority. But that doesn’t mean his sphere doesn’t matter, too.

Our household responsibilities are not always divided up 50/50, and I think it’s unrealistic to expect they ever will be. Life just isn’t neat and tidy like that. Instead, sometimes I give more, and sometimes he gives more. There are a lot of little ways my husband chooses to make my life easier, without complaint, and a lot of stresses he takes on to make our lives better, whether I notice them or not. Sometimes it’s good to take a minute to notice.

2) Be first to apologize.

“But why should I apologize when he’s the one who…”

Because you’ll feel better after you do. Freer. Nicer. Happier.

Because even if you truly believe he’s wrong-er, chances are good you’re at least a little bit wrong, too.

Because apologies tend to have a thawing effect on those cold little hard-packed snowballs of resentment and anger we carry around.

Because if you apologize there is a very good chance he’ll stop feeling the need to clench up and defend himself and throwing his own icy snowballs.

It’s so hard to apologize, especially when we aren’t sure the other person deserves it. But the way I look at it, the apology isn’t just for them, it’s also for me. I need to recognize and acknowledge the part I played so I can move past it.

Apologizing makes us vulnerable, and that’s hard sometimes when we’re clinging tightly to our right-ness and hiding behind our anger. But as Sarah so wisely pointed out, “The single, most important thing that has made the difference in our lives is a willingness to be vulnerable.”

3) Ask yourself if this will matter in two days, ten days, a year, or ten years.

I’m guessing 90% of the time, it won’t even matter in two hours.

4) Let your spouse be who he is today, not who he was last month, last year, or last decade.

I have an issue with one of Dr. Phil’s favorite sayings: “The best indicator of future behavior is past behavior.” He may be right in a technical, cynical sense, but constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop doesn’t allow us to give others space to change and grow, and it robs us of the ability to trust. I’m not suggesting we all stick our heads in the sand, look past truly heinous behavior, or allow abusive patterns to continue, but at some point, if somebody is obviously trying and making changes, (even small, slow ones) we have to make a choice to trust unless faced with information that suggests we shouldn’t.

I believe that when you are really in tune with your instincts, you’ll know, on a gut level, if something major is off. Otherwise, go with the information you have at hand, today, right now. Refusing to allow somebody to change, or refusing to acknowledge that change out of fear, is no way to live or share a life with another human.

5) Choose your perspective.

Nobody can make you feel like a maid unless you choose to.

Your spouse’s failure to do the dishes does not necessarily mean he disrespects you.

It’s fair to notice and point out that the dishes aren’t done, but assigning a motive, or accusing others of casting us in a role we’ve created just breeds resentment.

6) Consider the alternatives.

The real alternatives, not the fantasy ones you’ve created in your head.

So, it’s totally unfair that your spouse keeps skipping out on the laundry. You keep talking, griping, pleading; but still, the piles grow and he doesn’t even seem to notice. What are your basic choices?

  1. Stop doing the laundry entirely and wait to see what happens
  2. Get somebody else to do the laundry
  3. Accept that you will be the one doing the laundry for now
  4. Divorce him

Which of these seems most reasonable?

Which is most likely to make you happy?

If the answer is “Divorce him,” have you really thought about what that would mean? (Single people still have laundry to do…)

If you think it through carefully and the answer is still “divorce him,” I’d suggest the problem is not really the laundry. Or the unmade bed. Or the dozens of other little things we use as scapegoats for what’s really going on. Dig deeper, and head to counseling posthaste.

Again, I want to be clear that there are issues that go way deeper than small resentments. Big stuff like adultery and chronic gambling and huge heartbreaking dishonesty. It’s not my place to tell you whether you should stay married or not, or whether your spouse can change or not.

But I can promise you that keeping small things in perspective and forgiving with a free heart will make you happier. Today. Right now.

Extending grace does not equal allowing ourselves to be treated badly, but it does mean allowing our significant others to be imperfect humans and loving them anyway-with whole hearts, not the grudging, resentful kind. Not just because they deserve it, but because WE deserve it. There is no joy in resentment. So if you can’t do it for him just yet?

Do it for yourself.

 
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Marriage and the problem of expectations

by Meagan Francis on February 16, 2011

 

Marriage 1.0, circa 1997. Weren't we adorable?

Look at that picture. It’s my husband Jon and I on our wedding day.

I was 19. Jon, my husband of both Marriage 1.0 and the new, improved Marriage 2.0, was 20.

Look how hopefully, cluelessly young we were! Don’t you just want to give us a hug and tell us everything will be OK-but we better hitch up our pants and get ready to shovel some crap first?

I’ve shared before that Jon and I separated (and eventually divorced) when our second child was still a baby, and reconciled a couple years later. And yes, our youth probably played a role in the split. But I think that being so young helped us in some ways, too: we faced the world with enthusiasm and confidence, we grew into parenthood and adulthood together, before we’d had time to get too set in our ways as singles. We had hard, wolf-at-the-door times, but a lot of fun, hilarious times, too. We were best friends, muddling our way through and laughing most of the way. And we were pretty happy, despite some setbacks, until we’d been together long enough for the resentments to pile up.

Most people think of big things, like adultery and addiction, when they think of marriage deal-breakers. But then how come so many nice, reasonable, non-cheating and non-abusing people end up splitting up?

I believe it’s due to expectations: mostly the small, everyday ones, that go unmet. They’re insidious. They quietly wear away at your marriage day after day, week after week, not calling a lot of attention to themselves, just piling up until the foundation is buckling.

After all, my expectations in Marriage 1.0 seemed so small, so reasonable. I expected a few more dollars in the savings account, maybe another fifty on the paycheck. I expected Jon to provide so I could stay home. I expected him to spend his evenings pitching in around the house so that the weight of taking care of the kids and the home wouldn’t seem so overwhelming. I expected him to make plans on the weekend, I expected him to want to do the same things as me. I expected him to be my social life, to make me happy, even though I myself wasn’t sure how he was supposed to go about it.

It’s not like I woke up every day and thought, “Well, Jon better work his butt off all day to make enough money to please me, and then come home and take care of the baby all evening, and then entertain me all weekend!” But when I couldn’t afford something I really wanted, and then another evening went by and the dishes piled up in the sink without him even glancing over, and another Friday evening went by without anything to do, I felt little stings of having been let down. My unvoiced, even unformed expectation had not been met. Eventually the disappointments stacked high, moldering and mildewing into martyrdom and resentment until our marriage was crumbling under the weight of hundreds of wet towels left lying on the bathroom floor.

Don’t get me wrong: Jon wasn’t blameless in any of our Marriage 1.0 problems. I was justified in a lot of my resentments and disappointments. But ultimately, the bones of a good marriage-mutual affection, attraction, strong friendship, similar goals-were there between us. I’d just let the little things pile up so high and use up so much of my energy that when the time came for us to deal with big things, I didn’t have any reserves left.

We can’t completely rid ourselves of expectations-after all, I really do deserve to expect some things, like love and respect. But as humans, we will all disappoint one another. Being understandably disappointed is fine, but it’s up to us to figure out a way to deal with those disappointments, express them if we must, ask our spouses to do better next time…and then forgive, forget, and let them go.

Otherwise those everyday disappointments turn into resentment, and we lose the ability to discern between the small and the big stuff, and the energy to deal with big things that we would otherwise be able to work through.

After all, what’s really important? Is it the dishes? The right holiday gift? The credit card balance? The way he holds his fork?

How about this: my husband adores me, is my best friend, loves our kids, thinks about us constantly, and would gladly walk over hot coals to help us if he could.

And really, that’s enough for me…even if, on his way through those coals, he walked right past the pants he’d left crumpled on the floor.

Are you visiting my blog for the first time? So glad to have you here! Take a minute to check out my About page, read some of my favorite posts, and if you like, subscribe via email or RSS feed. And check out yesterday’s interview with Alisa Bowman, plus a giveaway of her book “Project: Happily Ever After.”

 
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Updated! "Change your marriage by changing yourself." Interview with author Alisa Bowman, plus GIVEAWAY of "Project: Happily Ever After"

by Meagan Francis on February 15, 2011

 

Project Happily Ever After: Saving your marriage when the fairytale falters, by Alisa Bowman

UPDATED: WE HAVE A WINNER! Scroll to bottom of the post for more.

“I knew something was terribly wrong with my marriage when I planned my husband’s funeral.”

That’s the first line to now-happily-married mom, author, and blogger Alisa Bowman’s book Project: Happily Ever After. In the book Alisa shares her story of falling in love, falling out of love, and then doing the hard work to fall back in love with her husband, Mark.

As for the funeral planning? “When we were out of love, I was so angry and resentful that I planned Mark’s funeral on the off chance he would conveniently drop dead,” explains Alisa.

Does that shock you? Or deep down, do you identify? Either way, read on. Alisa’s got a lot of great advice you’ll benefit from whether your marriage is on the rocks or just occasionally needs a bit of shaking up. AND, Alisa will be giving one reader a copy of her brutally-honest but encouraging book that just might help you look at your marriage in a whole new light (more details at the bottom of the post.)

Meagan: I’m betting a lot of people are stunned by your admission that you fantasized about your husband dropping dead, while others totally identify. I wonder if you can explain that death fantasy so that women who haven’t been there can understand how it gets to that point.

Alisa: Yes, I get one of three reactions when I talk about it. Ninety percent of the time people nod their heads, laugh and say, “Oh, I’ve so been there.” Five percent of the time they say something like, “I never wanted to kill him, but I just wanted to get in my car and leave and never come back.”

And five percent of the time someone tells me that I should be seeing a psychiatrist.

The death fantasy was a self-soothing strategy for me. I didn’t really want him to suffer. I just wanted him to conveniently disappear from my life. Even in my fantasies, I was not cruel. I always killed him off in kind ways. He never suffered. The death was quick and painless and he never knew what had hit him.

In reality, I didn’t want him to die. I just felt as if I was at a dead end. My marriage was miserable, and I didn’t know how to fix it. And divorce is not easy. It would have required sharing our daughter, something I wasn’t convinced he would want to do. Some mothers worry that the father will fight for custody. I was worried about the opposite—that he wouldn’t want any custody. I thought if I divorced him, my daughter would no longer have a father in her life. Of course, she would no longer have a father if he conveniently dropped dead, either, but fantasies are not based in reality.

My fantasy soothed me. It allowed me to have little moments of bliss. I could daydream about him being gone and my life being wonderful. I could feel good for a brief moment. Then the daydream would vaporize and the misery of my life would come crashing back in.

Meagan: I share in my book that the low point of my marriage was one night when I was in extremely tired, upset, and confused, and whacked my husband over the head with a baby bottle. What stands out as your low point-and what did you learn from it?

Alisa: The lowest point came after I decided to work on our marriage, but before I figured out how to execute that goal. I had gone to New York for business. I came home at 5:58 pm and found my husband home surfing the Internet. He was in his cycling clothes and still sweaty. The house was absolutely quiet.

“Where is she?” I asked. Our daughter, at that time, was 3 years old and in daycare. The daycare closed at 6 p.m. She had extreme separation anxiety, we had financial issues, and the daycare charged $10 for every minute after 6 you retrieved your child.

“Oh, what time is it? Is it that late?” He asked.

 

"Dare to dream about the spouse you wish was yours. Dare to ask your spouse to become that person."–Alisa Bowman, author Project: Happily Ever After

He ran around the house. He got dressed. He raced out the door and asked, “Do you want to come with me?”

“No,” I said coldly.

As I watched him jog to his car, I thought that I could not possibly stay married to him. How could I stay married to someone who forgot his only daughter? How? I couldn’t even go to New York on business without things falling apart at home. It was as if he needed me to take care of everything. I made the money. I cared for our child. I even sent his mother birthday gifts because he never remembered to do that.

For the rest of the evening, I wrestled with myself. I wanted to ask for a divorce. He felt like a giant weight on my life. I just wanted to cut him loose. I wanted to tell him that it was over—that it was pointless to try to work on things. But my friend—the one who had counseled me to work on my marriage—kept invading my thoughts and I kept hearing her ask, “What have you tried to work on your marriage?”

That was my turning point. I went on the Internet and I ordered 12 marital improvement books.

Meagan: If you had to name three principles or strategies that have most helped you strengthen your relationship, what would they be?

Alisa: Change your marriage by changing yourself. This is a tough concept to embrace because most of us have an inner child that screams, “But it’s his fault! It’s not my fault! He’s the one who needs to change!” The reality, however, is that you can change yourself a lot more easily than you can change your spouse. By embracing self improvement, you will, in turn, move your marriage to a better place and your spouse will come along for the ride.

Create the marriage that you want. People often complain of their marriages being stale or of not having conversations or about having a boring sex life. If you want to have conversations, start them. If you want a more exciting sex life, get creative and make it happen. Be the affection you want to see in your marriage. Be the spark you want to see in your marriage. Be the compassion you want to see. For instance, if things are boring in the bedroom, brainstorm ideas that YOU can execute to spice things up. Maybe it’s time for a strip tease. Maybe it’s time for a bikini wax. Maybe it’s time for a feather boa.

Ask for help. Say what you want. Talk. Men and women are wired differently. When you tell him that you are “fine,” he believes you. When you tell him “don’t worry about it,” he stops worrying about it. When you say “whatever,” he thinks, “Glad she’s not too mad about that.” It’s difficult to ask for help. It makes most of us feel emotionally naked. In order to ask for help, we must become comfortable with the idea that we are not perfect and cannot do it all. We must embrace our flaws. But I can tell you: once you do it, it’s an amazing feeling.

Meagan: How does having a happy relationship make you a happier mom?

Alisa: I have so much more energy now, energy that I can spend on having fun with my daughter. I smile more and look happy, so I’m a good role model. My husband and I are friendly and have fun together. We do things as a family. The atmosphere in the house is warm and fun. There’s a lot less tension around here.

Thank you so much, Alisa! I know you’re all dying to read the rest of Alisa’s story, so she’s graciously agreed to give one reader a copy of Project: Happily Ever After. And if this post gets more than 50 entries, I’ll buy a copy to give away, too. So feel free to spread the word via Twitter or Facebook!

You can enter a total of two (2) times. To enter: leave a comment on this post telling me why you’d like to read this book-whether it’s to benefit from Alisa’s advice, or even just to find out happens in Chapter 4: “She Married Him, And He Turned Into A Frog.”

For one extra entry, share this giveaway on Twitter, Facebook, or your own blog, and come back and let me know in a separate comment.

Comments will close on this post Friday, February 18 at 4:00 EST. A winner will be announced in this post by Sunday, February 20.

The contest is over! Two winners were chosen randomly using the plugin “And The Winner Is.” I’ve posted a screen shot of the winning comments with email addresses oh-so-cleverly hidden below. Congrats to the winners-look out for an email from me soon!

 

 
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Love Your Love Life: Sneak Peek at Chapter 10 of The Happiest Mom

by Meagan Francis on February 14, 2011

  With today being Valentine’s Day, this week seemed a perfect time to broach the topic of love, marriage, and relationships. To the left you’ll see the opener for Chapter 10: Love Your Love Life in The Happiest Mom: 10 Secrets To Enjoying Motherhood. Isn’t it cute? And isn’t that a great goal-to love your love life, rather than tolerate it, put it on the back burner, or grit your teeth and suffer through?

But I don’t suggest that it’s easy. Even as a mom of five kids, I consider marriage much harder work than parenting. After all, my kids come by their faults honestly-they’re still learning, still growing, and it’s my job to help them become thoughtful, self-sufficient adults. But I have a lot less patience for my husband’s faults-and sometimes conveniently overlook my own.

This week I’ll be talking about some of the things I think are the most important in marriage. I’m going to avoid giving you any trite advice, like “go on date nights!” because date nights, while lovely, are not going to fix a shaky marriage…and I believe a really strong marriage can survive without them. I won’t tell you how to get your husband to pick up his socks or do the dishes without being asked, because I haven’t figured out how to do that yet myself-in fact, it may not even be possible, short of implanting a chip in his brain.

What I will talk about is how to put those things in perspective-you won’t have young children forever, and many of the things that make you so crazy now will change and fade as your children get older. I’ll talk about the importance of forgiving and forgetting instead of allowing resentment and anger to take root and grow.

As I’ve shared here before, my husband and I actually separated and divorced early on in our marriage. We eventually reconciled, and have a very strong marriage now. But there was a lot of hurt and drama and heartache in the interim, during which we both learned a lot about ourselves, about forgiveness, and about what’s really important in a marriage and in life. It’s a topic very near to my heart-I actually feel physical pain when I hear about friends divorcing, not because I think it’s always the wrong choice (I know there are marriages that just aren’t working, for a variety of reasons) but because I know what a hard road they have ahead.

On the other hand, I learned a lot about myself as a single mom. I learned how strong and capable I can be when I need to; I learned how to take charge of my own life and quit waiting around for a man to make me happy. It would have been a lot easier for everyone if I’d learned those lessons while still married, but either way, I’m glad I learned them. Maybe some of you can learn from my mistakes and avoid some of that heartache for yourself.

If you’re a divorced or single mom, I’ve got a great, inspiring interview planned for later this week with Candace Walsh, editor of the essay anthology Ask Me About My Divorce, and Theo Nestor, author of How To Sleep Alone in a King-Sized Bed. Candace and Theo will be talking about life, love, and motherhood after divorce.

You’ll also find an interview with Alisa Bowman of Project Happily Ever After. Alisa once felt so hopeless about her marriage that she actually fantasized about her husband’s funeral. Her new book follows her journey after she decided to work on her marriage, and all the things she learned about herself, relationships, marriage and parenting along the way.

For today I want to leave you with a thought grabbed from my other post on marriage:

I think most of us are basically good people, partnered with basically good people, who misunderstand each other and make mistakes. Having young children adds a lot of stress and highlights those misunderstandings and mistakes…

As in life, as in motherhood, we are not victims of our relationships. We have choices to make every day about the way we interact with our spouses, the way we choose to either build up or undermine our own relationships. And having been on the other side of the fence, I know the grass is rarely greener. It’s so much better, for everyone, if you can find a way to tend the grass you’ve got.

If you could pick one area of your marriage to really focus in and work on, what would it be? What’s your best tip for happier, stronger relationships?

 
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