When I was pregnant with my oldest son Jacob I found myself inexplicably attracted to flowery, flowing Laura Ashley-styled maternity dresses. To me they screamed “BLISSFUL MOTHER FROLICKING WITH HER CHILD IN FIELD OF DAISIES.” They seemed to epitomize all that the Ideal Mother should be, and down deep somewhere I think I thought putting one on would help me transform into that Ideal Mother.
It didn’t take long for me to realize that I am no kind of Ideal Mother, at least not in the sense that I fantasized about all those years ago. What I am is, well, me-and the more “me” I can bring to motherhood, the closer I get to my own version of ideal. (Which, as it turns out, has never once included putting on a flowing dress and skipping through a daisy field.)
Have you ever found yourself trying to force yourself into a certain image of motherhood, even if it doesn’t jive with your personality…or even reality?
We all have our mom strengths and superpowers. Maybe you’re the mom who always has the ingredients for chocolate-chip cookies on hand and is willing to use them. Or the mom who always has time to listen to a child’s knock-knock joke. Or the one who will work tirelessly to help your kid pull off the best Science Fair project his 3rd-grade class has ever seen.
In chapter 4 of The Happiest Mom, I advise readers to “Keep it real.” You’re not going to magically change into a board game lover or arts and crafts director just because you had children. Keeping it real means bringing the person you really are into your experience of motherhood, rather than trying to become somebody you’re not to fit your own personal “Ideal Mom” fantasy.
But it can also mean allowing motherhood to change you a little, maybe even improve you, in that gentle, natural way it can if you let it. Not forcing yourself to become a completely different person than you were pre-kids, but being open to new approaches and some of the new experiences that having children brings.
Did you ever have an “Ideal Mom” fantasy that turned out to just not be, well, you? Can you think of ways motherhood has changed you for the bettter?
*The other day, I posted about the “Tiger Mom” approach to parenting, and a few readers felt I was too judgmental. I’m mulling over the comments now, and will be writing a follow-up post tomorrow or Wednesday.
*The release date for The Happiest Mom: 10 Secrets To Enjoying Motherhood has been moved up! Pre-order now, and you should have the book within the next week or so.
Motherhood has, rather ironically, helped me become a calmer person.
I’ve gotten myself into the habit of taking a deep breath and just pausing to think during those omg-tear-your-hair-out-please-tell-me-you-did-not-just-do-that moments. That habit has carried over to stressful times that have nothing to do with being a parent.
And as a result of being able to stay calm and really think before reacting, I find that I’m making better decisions in high pressure moments.
I think it was here where I read first about “keeping it real” and the “ideal mom”, I remeber you saying that it took you a long time realising that you are not a crafty mom, am I rigth?. Anyway, after that reading I set up a list of the things of what I thought an Ideal mom should do, and then started trying one thing after another. I haven’t finished yet, but so far I’ve realised that I’m not as bad making cakes and cooking as I thought, and that sewing (the very basic) is not terrible at all.
I think is a very good exercise to boost your selfesteem as a mom, because sometimes we only focus in our weakness, and to get to know how motherhood has changed our self and then keep things real.
I have thoughts that ideal mothers should want to finger paint with their children or play in the mud, etc. I am not that mother. I have enough messes to deal with so I’m perfectly happy to leave those things for daycare/school.
I have never thought I was the arts-and-crafts type of mom, but over the past year I have enjoyed “learning” how to be creative with crafts. Part of this is because of teaching a class at my son’s homeschool co-op program and finding ways to make the lessons “real” for the students. I actually enjoy making little (simple) projects that reinforce the lessons!
I did somehow think that becoming a mom would somehow transform me into this perfect domestic goddess.
But, I hated cleaning before kids and still hate it- I didn’t turn into Suzy Homemaker just b/c of my kids. So funny that I thought it would work like that.
I really appreciate this post. I have to say my experience has been similar to what yours was. No fields of flowers, but I had an “idea” of what I was supposed to be to be The Perfect Mother. I didn’t really consider who I really was in that, or all the work it took to be “perfect.” Instead, I spent years striving at my family’s expense to (slowly) finally realize that all the inconsistencies and immaturities I had were not going to magically disappear and be left behind at the hospital after my sons was born and I headed home. If anything they seemed to multiply. I think the most important thing I have learned is to be real in it, to be honest with my kids (and my patient, and loving husband) when I am not hitting the mark, or exploding in a fit of rage and frustration. And the flip side too, is to acknowledge your strengths, like you said. I really am not good at playing with my kids, or at handling mess and dirt, but I can do a lot of other things that serve them well. And I am working on the having fun with whatever may come part. And ultimately, I think too that goes back to your other recent post about trusting your gut. Thanks for sharing! I can’t wait to read the full length book (and recommend it to my friends!)
Great post. This is something I have had to wrestle with as well. I have had to accept that I am not really a get down on the floor and play with my kids sort of mom, but I do other things. I connect with my kids in other ways. Once I stopped trying to fill a role that wasn’t me and became content with just being who I was and relating to my children in ways that worked for us, I found that I grew. Now I am some of the things I didn’t used to be. But it wasn’t because I forced it, it was because I let go of the pressure and gave into just enjoying life and accepting myself and my family members in all of their individual uniqueness.
I wish I’d had this chapter to read before I became a mom, or even in the early days. Maybe I wouldn’t have been ready for the message then, but in the almost 5 years since my oldest son was born, I had to learn this lesson the hard way.
I feel I should know this, and I’m sorry that I don’t, but when is the big release day?
Oh, man, do I hate board games. I liked what you said in your Fox interview: I’m the mom who will read her kid 17 books in a row, but don’t ask me to play Batman. I don’t even like to get down on the floor and play with my kids all that much. I occasionally feel some guilt about it when I see moms who do, but I don’t beat myself up about it.
I have always hated to clean as well, and I do not enjoy playing board or card games anymore, but my kids and I have fun singing & dancing together on occassion, including on the Xbox360! We watch movies together, and almost always eat dinner together, even when we are not getting along. When my teens were little, I used to read them stories & sing them lullabies before putting them to bed. I recently started reading books to my youngest (now 4) at bedtime. My kids LOVE to talk about various things with me, so I must be doing something right…right?