I’ve been thinking all day about a blog post written by my friend Kyran Pittman, an amazing writer, memoirist and mother of three. In the post Kyran explores the idea of what keeps us going as we age, as the people we have loved and lived for – both our children and others – grow up and go away, get old and die. Kyran asks: What abides?
My children feel like my passion and my purpose, but their childhood will pass, and is passing, like all things. My husband is the love of my life, but our eventual parting is written into our marriage vows. What will one or the other of us live for, then?
…
There’s truth and wisdom in the refrigerator magnet maxim that what might be remembered 100 years from now is making a difference today in the life of the child. But I think it sometimes gets misused as a license to bury our gifts. To keep from making something that is truly our own. Maybe the difference we make in the life of a child is one made by example and inspiration as well as a nurturing presence. Perhaps our own lives can be object lessons in how to stay full, whatever hardships may–and will–come our way.
While reading Kyran’s words I found myself nodding in agreement while also feeling a little bit “busted”.
Right now my life is so wrapped up in my family and home that it would feel natural, and true, to say I live for and around and through my children. And I like the idea of living a life of service to others – that life is about more than just me and what I want and need, but is also about the people around us. Raising a family is a great way to get outside of yourself, to learn about perspective and patience and discipline and self-denial.
But the kids, the family, can’t be the whole picture. Kyran’s right: eventually children grow up. At some point the people who are most important to you move away or die. Even the activities and hobbies you enjoy may pass by the wayside. Define yourself by what you have right this moment, and when you no longer have those things…well, then what?
I think the key is in realizing that everything is temporary. That our children aren’t ours to keep, and that this intense period of our lives – along with the stresses and wonders it brings – will pass. But the parts of ourselves that we now apply so fervently to our role of “mother” will remain.
And those essential pieces of us will need new outlets…outlets that we would be well-served to begin seeking and nurturing now, even in the thick of motherhood, whether we are natural leaders or thinkers or artists; whether we have outside-the-home jobs or stay home or something in between. It doesn’t have to be a full-time job or even a half-time hobby. It’s more a state of mind; an understanding of our true selves and being in-tune to our inner lives.
Maybe we fence ourselves in too much; we too narrowly define ourselves by the roles we’re playing right now. At my heart, I’m a nurturer, and a creator, and an artist. All of those things play a part in how I experience motherhood, and motherhood plays a part in how I express all of those things. But being a mom isn’t the whole of me, even though it’s the most important role I’m playing right now.
The day is coming, perhaps sooner than I can imagine, when I will no longer have children at home. Maybe then I’ll get a cat. Two cats. Almost certainly I’ll still write. And I hope that I’ll be doing all kinds of new things that I don’t have the time or energy or money for right now.
But underneath it all, I’ll still be me.
I don’t think it’s wrong or misguided to say that motherhood fulfills us. We just have to be careful to remember that we were women and people before we were mothers, and we’ll still be women and people long after our kids take off to start their own adult lives.
In the meantime I try to walk that line between embracing my role as “mother” and letting it completely consume me; letting myself get a little lost in family life without actually losing the person I have always been and always will be. Because I totally agree with Kyran that, in setting up my own life as an example of richness and fullness and fun and joy, I am giving my children an important gift.
Maybe, as I’ve said before, the best kind of mom is the one that’s true to herself.
After all, isn’t that what we would want for our own kids?
like this post? you may also like: A Baby On My Hip
Meagan, did you just read my mind? Today I just made the “announcement” that I am pursuing my certification in holistic nutrition. It was a leap for me to do this… on a day-to-day basis I am so committed and engaged with my family. But, I also know that as an individual, I need something more. I feel truly blessed that I have found a path that will hopefully allow me to be fulfilled– and here for my family. It will be a juggling act, for sure…. but I feel invigorated and well, a bit relieved…
My biggest struggle as a mother has been to find my footing as a whole person. I used to think that in order to be a ‘good’ mother I had to throw myself into it completely, negating any sense of self and giving all of my ‘self’ to my children so they could grow. It took me a while to realize that not only is it important to honor who I am outside the role of mother, but it is critical to my mental health and to the mental health of my children/family. And I’ve had to learn that in doing so (reclaiming one’s self, striking the balance of giver and receiver, honoring all of the parts of who I am) is not at all selfish. Thank you for this reminder Meagan.
My husband left me in 2006. We had been married 11 years and had 4 kids. Everything in my whole life was about being his wife, being a homeschooling mom. I didn’t even know how to be ‘me’ on my own. It was such a scary time. I’m still figuring out who I am. I gained 300 pounds stuffing my emotions and fear. I robbed my kids of a lot b/c of that for which I feel guilty. My mom died last year and she was my best friend but I was always searching for her approval too. I finally realized that what you said above is SO true. When I stand before God it will be me standing there–alone. So I have to answer for that. I’m still mom and to be honest I have a hard time not being anything but that. However, I know that I have to remember who I am as an individual too. Wow what a great post. Thank you so much.
Wow, Holly, what an ordeal you’ve been through! It sounds like you are finding a lot of clarity in this self-discovery. Blogging is good for that 🙂 Glad to have you here!
Not busted at all. I knew you’d get it because of that poignant post you wrote about leaving your kids for Blissdom. I live in that same tension, between the poles of Mothering and Self. It’s a constant negotiation. Mothering comes so naturally to me, is so consuming, I *have* to consider what comes next. I love your suggestion that it’s a transferable passion. Something which resides in us, abides in us, beyond this precious sliver of time.
Thank you, my sweet friend, for taking this thought up and running with it. xo
Recently I had been feeling a little overwhelmed by motherhood, it seemed to be my whole life and I was starting to feel like I was losing myself. I think that is probably one of the main reasons I started my own blog, it gives me a space to be me again. The first post of my blog talks about how I feel that there is more to life than the way I am currently living, but I don’t know what it is exactly.
Essentially, I have forgotten who I am, other than being a mother, and having my own blog is helping me find who I am again and explore different sides of myself.
This seems to be working for me. Do you think that having your own blog has helped you in the same way?
It is not easy to be a mother…But if you really love what you are doing, it means you will enjoy it and it will just be easy for you…
I love this so much, and it’s so well-timed. I was just thinking of this last night. Becoming a mom during college, I feel like it’s been hard to remember to be “me,” because honestly, I never really discovered “me.” It’s felt like a growing process for all of us. But I had the thought last night that maybe, just maybe, it will help my daughters grow into strong women to see their mother doing something she loves and being her own person too. Thanks for another great post Meagan!
PS- Love the suit! I have a retro black and white polka dot suit too! Of course, I can’t fit into mine, but still…
You articulate so beautifully the tension I feel in my own life. I absolutely agree that we all need something that is purely ours, a way of nurturing the things that make us ourselves independent of other people. For me at least, I actually know that I’m a better mother when I do that, because if I brought the full force of my intensity to bear on my children they’d be blown over, and damaged. But it is, as you say, such a fine line, because it’s when I am able to really surrender to the life that is right NOW that I feel I most fully love it. So I tend to oscillate back and forth somewhat frantically always worrying that somehow I’m not doing right by right this minute or by the future. Alas. xox
Here’s the thing: We all learn as we go. Personally, being a mother — and embracing and throwing myself into that role — has taught me a lot about who I am as a person. If I had been trying desperately to hold onto me, the me I was before children, I’m afraid I would have lost out on a lot of self-discovery. I think that motherhood and self intertwine.
Who will I be after my children are grown and gone? I’m not sure exactly. But I do know that my years with children will have helped me grow into a fuller version of myself.
I agree that being a mother adds to who you are and helps you grow into a fuller version of yourself. It sounds like motherhood suits you to a tee, but I imagine that if you are completely comfortable in your role as a mother then you are probably also instinctively doing the things that make you you while you are being a mother.
If you stop doing the things that make you uniquely you to focus solely on your children, it can leave you feeling run down and not knowing yourself anymore. For example, my whole life I have enjoyed creative activities – arts, crafts, writing, etc – as a way of expressing myself (although I rarely shared the end results) and as a way of unwinding. It really just felt like a part of me. Then I had three children close together (I had three children under three years old at one point). As you could imagine, I had very little free time and nowhere near enough energy to do anything creative. My role was mother and wife and that was all, because that was my priority and that was all I had time for, no writing, no drawing, no creating, just housework and trying to keep myself sane without my normal outlet.
Now my youngest is two years old and my eldest has started school and I’m starting to find I have more time and energy, so I’m using it to follow those creative urges again. Now my creativeness is focussed largely around my family, for example last night I made a very simple library bag for my eldest, and the last thing I posted on my blog is something I made for my kids. These things are only little and simple, but it made me feel great to be making something. So at the same time that I am doing something as a mother I am also doing something for myself. I am adding to my role of mother by including the thing that keeps me sane and makes me me (the me I was before I had kids and the me that I still was when I had little children, but could not fulfil).
I don’t think what is being talked about here is an either-or situation. My interpretation of what was being said is not that you should step out of motherhood to find yourself, but rather that you should include the ‘real’ you, the full you, in what you do as a mother, so you don’t forget who you are when your role changes.
and just to clarify, I’m not saying that those who choose to work are stepping out of their roles as mothers. Some have to work to provide enough money for their families (definitely a role of a mother, if need be) and some choose to work to keep themselves sane, which in turn contributes to them being able to be better mothers during the time that they share with their children as well as being role models for their children. Each to their own.
My main point is that if you are completely happy in your role as a mother than you probably are fulfilling the part of yourself that is unique to you. Perhaps that part of you is a natural carer and you enjoy having a family that you get to care for and devote yourself to.
Did you see the study that said a mother’s happiness is – wait for it! – based on whether she does what she wants to do regarding returning to work or staying home? The whole debate of whether working or staying home leads to a happier mom misses the point. Naturally, we’re happier (and by extension so are our families!) when we follow our hearts and choose the path that’s most natural for us. Thanks for the comment!
Totally agree Jennifer. I absolutely think motherhood has changed me, and for the better. And if I’d been fighting that, I would have missed some awesome opportunities for growth.
But even though I’m not quite the same “me” I was 20 years ago, I’m still…me. And that will last beyond motherhood.
Must be something in the air, Meagan! I feel like my nine-plus years of parenting have always been a push-pull between my mom-self and the Me I’d been for 35 years before my first son arrived. I wrote just yesterday on my blog about how we sometimes use mommy guilt as a shield or some sort of “proof” that we’re mommying it up right, no matter how we choose to define motherhood. I’ll take that further and say that if you fall into mommy guilt too far, you’re leaving yourself behind.
Great post! (Yours, I mean) 😉
Thanks Denise! I think yours is pretty great too 🙂
Hi Meagan,
Yes, yes, yes! Once again, thank you for the deep thoughts that both inspire and reassure. I think the trick is not only finding something you love, but once you do, learning to rein it in so that striving and stress doesn’t impinge on that beloved job as mother.
I’ve been thinking about this lately, in moments of job dissatisfaction. (The dissatisfaction is not momentary, but the thoughts are.) And I realize that one of the reasons I want to work outside the home is because it helps me see what I’ll do once Baguette is grown and out of the house. She’s not yet two, so that day is still distant–but it will come regardless.
So while I know that I don’t want the job I have, I do like having a paid job. And I want to find another so that she sees me craft my life and future as I want it to be. I want her to know that she can do the same–not make the same decisions, but have the same power to make decisions.
I enjoyed this because it reminds me what I have maintained my career as I’ve had my four children. My work is a big part of who I am – the nerdy, geeky girl who loves crunching numbers, solving problems, and making color coded spreadsheets. I have had to make some career adjustments to balance it with the huge desire I have to be a fantastic mother and wife. I’m afraid that if I did leave my career to jump into mothering 100% I would lose myself and it would be a bad thing for everyone. I’m a bit OCD/over acheiver and I would probably drive my kids, my husband, and myself nutso. My husband is a wonderful, devoted, nurturing father, but he too needs something of “his own”. He’s home with the kids while I’m at work, but he’s been a successful self employed IT consulting for the last 10 years. I love seeing the joy and excitement on his face after a new client meeting, or getting a new proposal signed, or conquering a hard software coding problem he stayed up all night to figure out. We both recognize each other’s need to be there for each other and the kids, but also have something of our own. The hard part I have had is maintaining solid friendships that will stay in my life long term. People seem to come and go, in and out of our lives, and I envy my mother who has a group of 12 women she is friends with that plan a night out every Tuesday for the last 35 years. I worry that I won’t have that kind of support group when I’m her age.
…or maybe you’d run your house with extreme detail and lots of color-coded charts! 🙂 I know what you mean, though; there are certain dreams it’s relatively easy to fulfill at home with kids (writing, for example, seems to lend itself well to motherhood) but not every calling is so easy to incorporate into home life.
And you know, I was just thinking about my MIL and her group of friends that stayed the same through three decades of raising kids and seeing them off to college and beyond. I have a handful of those friendships but not the large, extended network she had. On the other hand, I get a lot of my need for conversation and companionship met via my online relationships. It doesn’t replace IRL friendship but it means I don’t need to have quite as large a social network IRL, I think.
So much wisdom here. I think we have to find a balance between embracing and enjoying what’s temporary and fleeting (like our kids being little) and nurturing what is most permanent, like who we are and who we want to be.
I admire you being a mother you are hands on taking care of them..I want to being with you if I had a kids already..
What a great post! As someone who is newly pregnant (1st baby) I wonder if I will lose who “I” am with stepping into a new role. I can’t wait to be a mom, I know it will be much of how I define myself, I also know I will always be “me”. I want to always know this me.
I think it is good to know that others before me are moms and still know who they are, as a mom and also as their own person.
Thanks for this. : )
Congratulations Emma! I think as Jen pointed out above that you learn much of this as you go. You can’t help redefining yourself a bit in the process – it’s completely normal and natural.
Everyone knows that once the girls move out, I’m getting my very own puppy!!
But for reals, it’s so easy to lose track of yourself when attempting to be a devoted parent. I feel blessed to have a Husband that is always pushing me to get out and grow, he often reminds me of who I was before I was a mom. I hope that one day our girls can use me as an example of following your dreams and fulfilling your own purpose (I think no matter what that is you can be a mother too), and in order for that to be a possibility I have to work at it. Thanks for the post!
Great post. This hits me right where I am living right now – my oldest is a junior in high school and I am already dreading his going away to college. I never figured I would feel this way at ALL; big plans, me time when the kids leave – and I still feel that way intellectually, but heart rules head sometimes and it’s hitting me like a ton of bricks right now. Thank you, Meagan and Karyn, for giving me lots to think about re: ME and who I am and will always be. I need to get back in touch with her!
I think one of the most important things for me is to contribute to society as a whole. All too often I seem moms devote their lives to their kids and kids can be / get very self-centered. I’m not saying that they don’t need all their love and support but I want my kids to see me voluteering and seeing that others are in need. For example, instead of having a library full of books at home, I would like to support the local library and donate books so that all kids benefit rather than just my own.
So interesting to read the comments on this post, Meagan! It is something we all think about, and can identify with. We all worry about losing ourselves, and sometimes we DO, but what is left is always going to be our essential selves. Of course, I know that my essential self has been changed and developed SO much by being a parent.