Mr. Curry with his daughter Ever; courtesy of Maggie May at Flux Capacitor
As Father’s Day approaches, I’ve been thinking about our discussion about helping dads become more involved fathers, while also rolling my eyes at plenty of the commercials on TV. Hasn’t the picture of Dad as an inept, clueless, beer-swigging “man cave” dweller gotten old yet?
Maybe not in advertising, but in my world, definitely.
The fathers I know are eager to step up. My husband wrangles babies, toddlers and big kids with skill. One of my brothers stays at home with his three kids…and does a darn good job of it. My other brother helps homeschool his kids in between working a day job and running the lights and soundboard at their community theater productions.
Perhaps that’s why the recent kerfuffle over “extreme” motherhood, attachment parenting, The Conflict and parenting inequality annoyed me so much. My two sisters-in-law and I have all been, to varying degrees, nursing, babywearing, attachment-oriented moms. But it was precisely because we have supportive spouses who are also nurturing fathers that we were able to do it without putting ourselves last, and in the cases of myself and my SIL Jenna, without placing our careers on hold indefinitely. (My sister-in-law Kelley is purposely – and happily – at home.)
I don’t like it when the media pits moms against each other. But I also don’t like it when mothers are pitted against fathers. It’s not helpful, it’s not productive, and in my world, it’s just not accurate.
Still, I know that it’s not always easy to navigate an equitable parenting split. We struggle with a lot of internal messages about motherhood and the need to “prove” ourselves as parents, which often can mean that Dad gets elbowed off stage left.
In other words, I believe it’s generally not that fathers don’t want to be involved. It’s the current culture of motherhood – and our own expectations of them and ourselves – that gets in the way.
In my latest Babble post, I detailed 7 ways I’ve learned to get out of Dad’s way, from “Avert Your Eyes” to “Get Over Yourself.” From the post:
These days there’s a lot of discussion in the media about the unfair division of household labor. And a lot of moms I know sigh over the fact that their spouses and partners don’t seem to carry their full weight when it comes to taking care of the kids.
Of course, a lot of those same moms are the ones who butt into every baby-related decision Dad makes and who find him incapable of changing a diaper correctly.
I know, because I’ve been one of those mothers, with disappointing results. And after fourteen years of motherhood, during which my husband and I have come to a nearly fifty-fifty parenting split, I’ve come to realize: Ladies, often the problem is us.
Please read the rest – and then let us know: which of these seven actions is hardest for you? Have you noticed any results when you started doing one or two things on my list?
Megan, I love it! I totally agree!!! I don’t really work now, but I do get out and go away 2 weekends a year. and everyone is fine fine fine fine!!! so what if they watch tv all day saturday? (my worst nightmare) they are all laying on top of dad and watching what he is watching ( national geographic!!!!! and baseball) what a memory they will have!
and so what if they don’t get tucked in b/c dad’s already asleep? They survive! no one died b/c mom didn’t read a chapter, talk, sing, pray. I mean honestly….that’s too much anyway
SO true!
I totally and truly *get* this because my spouse was thrust in the stay-home role from Day 1. Of course, we chose this arrangement according to our strengths. Parenting has always been a TEAM effort, and I feel sorry that most women don’t get to experience this (for whatever the reason). I think parenthood has been awesome with all that support.
What’s interesting as a mother is that the bond is just there and I didn’t have to *be here* quite as much to have such a special bond with my children. (I was always there, but working 8 hours a day was “meh” to the kids – we still always had an amazing bond that they were just born with). I think it’s hard for any man to feel the same way without spending a substantial amount of time with their kids. Just the way babies/moms are wired. But, My spouse has had the opportunity to be a full-time dad and has been awesome. I think even any working man willing to put in the time could achieve much the same. Sometimes the men are stuck in traditional roles, but I have often see fathers who want to be more involved pushed out by the mom.
“Hasn’t the picture of Dad as an inept, clueless, beer-swigging “man cave” dweller gotten old yet?” Amen. Once in a blue moon someone looks horrified I leave my kids home with my spouse. He’s done an amazing job with our kids, and these stereotypes are beyond annoying.
I totally agree with this. I think there is way too much “dissing” of men in the media in general. They are generally portrayed as being incompetent in matters regarding home/children. We’ve swung too far, from men being the unchallenged and unquestioned patriarch of the family, to men being regarded as generally dumber than women, and with them deferring most of the important household decisions to their wives.