Last week’s Mindful Monday post was all about creating new school-year routines (as well as re-claiming some of the ones that worked best for us last year.) This week’s is nagging less. And the more I think about it, the more I realize that those two things go hand-in-hand.
Routines make me feel more present, calm, and tuned-in; so I nag less because I can be more proactive and head problems off before they become Problems with a capital P. I am also more likely to pick up on the nuances of why one of the kids didn’t do what I asked (was I unclear in my directions? Were they engaged in something else? Do they just need a reminder – with no huffing and puffing, puh-lease?)
When routines become habit, activities that might once have seemed time-consuming or stressful just start to feel like…no big deal. Just one week into our Lunch Box Challenge, for example, I’m amazed at how not hard it is to pack a lunch every night…simply because I’m setting aside a regular, reliable time to do it. When the kids know what to expect and when, there’s less feet-dragging, negotiating, stalling, and resistance in general, so less “need” to nag.
One place I’m working on this especially hard right now is establishing a new homework routine at our house. Since we have a whole houseful of school-going kids this year, it’s going to take some trial and error to figure out how to make homework time go smoothly. But I know in the end it’s going to be totally worth the effort I put in up front – because once we hit on a routine that works, there will be that much less whining, nagging, and all-around griping.
While thinking on homework I remembered that I wrote a post last year about how we had changed our old and totally dysfunctional homework routine (which basically consisted of my putting it off until the last possible minute, then wanting to cry from exhaustion and frustration over my son’s Everyday Math workbook.) Since things have changed a lot for us this year, with one more kid in middle school, our high-school niece living with us, and another kid in the school mix (yes, kindergarteners do have homework…) I thought it would be a nice reminder for me to re-publish some of the ideas I wrote in that post. I hope it helps some of you, too.
If you find yourself wanting to cry, pull out your hair, or whap your kid over the head with a pencil during homework time, think critically about all the factors that add to your stress: what time of day is it when you do the homework? Is anyone hungry or tired? Do you feel rushed? Do you have trouble tracking down the necessary supplies? Does it feel chaotic, with the phone ringing constantly, other kids needing your attention, a pot boiling over on the stove and the dog whining at the door?
After taking a few moments to consider why your current set-up isn’t working for you, you can start thinking of ways to replace that habit with a new ritual. For example:
- If it’s stressful because multiple kids are asking for help at the same time, could you tag-team with your spouse? Each of you could choose the child or children you work best with, then create a special time and place to work. If you’re single or your partner isn’t available in the afternoons or evenings, maybe you could assign each child a ‘study hall’–their special time slot to sit at the table all alone and get your full attention. Other kids can be quieted with a special activity, game or TV show.
- If it’s stressful because you can’t ever find the supplies you need, can you clear off space in a central location and create a special supply station? Your new ritual could include cleaning a place at the table, pulling out a few sharpened pencils and some fresh paper, putting on calming music and sitting down ready to work.
- If it’s stressful because there’s no time to get it done and you always have to rush, could you scale back other evening activities? Maybe the ritual you need is a peaceful, quiet evening that makes it easy to attend to things at home.
- If it’s stressful because you’re tired and cranky by homework time, could you do it early in the afternoon, or in the morning when you’re both fresher and the house is quieter? Maybe your new ritual could be cleaning out the backpack the minute the kids get home from school and tackling homework then. Or perhaps you could get up a half-hour early with the child who has the largest load and enjoy a cup of tea or coffee in the quiet while your child works.
- If it’s stressful because your child stalls, whines, or complains, maybe you could make doing homework a special time–pour a cup of cocoa, make some popcorn, and sit down together to chat for a few minutes before pulling out the books.
If you don’t have school-aged kids yet, use this list as an example of how many possible solutions you might be able to find to help re-frame any frustrating situation. Routines shouldn’t make you feel burdened or obligated – they should allow you to simplify your life by doing things in a way that is easier, makes more sense, or gives you more satisfaction.
Do you need homework help? Or is there some other frustrating, stressy experience you keep having over and over? Instead of ramming your head against the proverbial wall, can you analyze why your current tactics aren’t working – and come up with some ways you can use routine and ritual to replace your current “habit” with a more satisfying, more effective, or easier experience?
Your kindergartener has *homework*??? I’m stuck on that one. My oldest is in first grade, and we still don’t have any homework. In fact, our elementary school is a “low or no homework school.” YEAH!!!
Arrgh, Mike, yes! It’s really just busy work, and if they don’t do it nothing happens (but if they DO do it, they get a prize, and of course my boy wants a prize…) it kind of makes me crazy. it’s only like 5 minutes worth, but it’s just having one. more. thing to think about, ya know? But now that I have so many other kids doing homework too, the kindy homework thing isn’t so bad because it’s already part of the rhythm of our day.
Hi! I can relate to this. My son is in pre-kinder and he has homework, projects and oral presentations. My daughter is in first grade and every day has a ton of homework, plus two to four exams weekly. I feel so exhausted and we are only at the beginning of school life!
Thanks for this. Hub isn’t usually home to help in the afternoons, so I try to stagger homework as mentioned in the first tip. BTW, I think Everyday Math is enough to make anyone poke their eye out.
For the non-math-oriented, it’s definitely challenging. I finally figured out how to do math MY way, and now every problem has four possible ways to reach the solution? AHHH! Some of my kids have really thrived with that much freedom and others have just gotten more frustrated and wanted somebody to tell them, once and for all, HOW to do it.
Check, check, check, check, check – yep ALL of your tips are exactly right!
Our Kinder has homework every night too. Usually 2 worksheets, a sheet of writing the letter they are on, and a reader that they have to read to us!
Our main trigger is fatigue. If we procrastinate until after dinner it is SO HARD to to complete it without tears. They are just too tired at that point. My husband picks up the boys at 3 and has done a great job of getting them to do it as soon as they get home. This is a new routine for us this year and it’s working out great. Of course there are days it doesn’t happen due to a variety of reasons and then there we are at 7 feeling rushed, tired, and then stressed.
Another thing I’ve noticed this year now that I have two doing it, is how different each kid is. My 2nd grader has struggled with homework since he was in Kinder. He does great in school but it’s like he wants to “turn it off” once he’s home and relaxing, and just wants to play. My son in Kinder though – proactively does it with great joy and gets it all done quickly and neatly. It’s like night and day! I’m holding back from the old “Why can’t you be like your brother” as I know that is NOT the thing to say. But it’s so tempting! We have just found the key with the older one is to make him do it right away while he’s still in “school mode”.
Ok – off to make the lunches!! I should never sit down at the computer before making them!
Susan, I’ve found that when we procrastinate too long, it’s ME that’s cranky and tired! And I have a similar dynamic – two kids who love doing homework and do it cheerfully and without reminders, and two who drag their feet. I’m finding that giving them different homework “time slots” helps to keep the comparisons and competing down.
Freakin’ Everyday Math is the WORST.
My child doesn’t have to torment me with it any longer, thank the powers that be.
That stuff was like poison.
I have so many other kids doing homework too, the kindly homework thing isn’t so bad because it’s already part of the rhythm of our day. ?
With a perfectionistic and naturally stressed-out kid (I swear to god, she came that way), homework has always been a fight — mainly because she works herself up into a frenzy about it. We’re only two weeks into middle school, but she’s found a process that seems to work for her. When she gets home from school, she grabs a snack and heads outside to do her assignments. She says there are fewer distractions there. Benefits for me? I’m not asked a question every three minutes, and I don’t have to listen to her complain about her assignments. So far, so good!
Getting a homework routine is always a work-in-process for us. One strategy will work for a little while, and then it will fall apart. The key for us to have a variety of options available — locations, times, etc. When I was in high school, I started getting up at 4:30 a.m. to do my homework in the morning. I know of a few middle school kids who do this. You’ve got to find something that works for the individual kid at that point in his life.
Oh, and I can’t resist saying that I love Everyday Math. It’s a real challenge for parents, but on the whole, the philosophy and approach is amazing for kids — because they can discover the math on their own terms. That generally fosters autonomy and confidence, two things that are sorely lacking in traditional math education!
Laura
http://www.mathforgrownups.com
Thanks for the reminder that sometimes routines fall apart and need to be changed up! Nothing good lasts forever, right?
This post was SO timely for me yesterday-I read it just as my daughter finished her 1st grade homework and my son sat down to his 3rd grade work. I think we have a pretty good routine in place…snack and 30 minutes of down time after school before starting homework, a dedicated spot (the kitchen island) and plenty of organized supplies. But some days (yesterday!) the stalling, whining and complaining just creep in anyway, and I was about to tear my hair out. Your suggestion to make the time special was just the nudge I needed. After listening to almost 30 minutes of whining just to get through two spelling words, I offered some chocolate milk with a crazy straw, and suddenly I had a cooperative child! More nagging and threats would not have worked, but a little empathy went miles. So thank you-it was a message that made a huge difference in our day!
Oh, I’m so glad to read this, Melissa!
Homework is a stressful time at my house too. my oldest is in kindergarden and yes, she’s got hw. It should take ten minutes but it ends up taking about 30 because she’s tired, whiney and just wants to play. the bowl of popcorn is a great idea. It’s a typical light snack that we have in the afternoon but now I will incorporate it in the homework routine! thank you!
My Kindergarten kid does have homework, which I actually appreciate. It gives me ideas of what I should be working on with him. However, he is my oldest. Maybe I will feel differently next year when his sister is in Kindergarten and I have TWO homework deadlines looming.
Currently, his homework is the “you can do it. Or you can choose to not do it”, and the teacher shrugs as she says this. Obviously, it is better if he does it (and I think a little sticker or something is involved, which is akin to a bar of 24K GOLD to a little kid
I loved it when my oldest had homework in kindy. What fun! But, yeah, the charm wore off by the time we got to the second and third kids in school
It isn’t really that big a deal though when they’re all doing it anyway, and the kindergartener always likes to feel like one of the “big kids”.
I don’t have kids, so I don’t know if this is a practical or completely outrageous idea, but would it be possible to get older kids to help younger kids with homework? It could potentially turn into a special time between siblings, develop tutoring skills in the older one, and give the parents an extra few minutes to attend to additional important things.
I think it depends a LOT on the sibling dynamic. This would work beautifully with two of my boys, though, so thanks for the idea!
Oh man this year has been a struggle because I have 3 in school and the two youngest need the most help, and HAVE the most homework. Our biggest problem is them remembering to BRING IT HOME GAH. I am dealing with a lot of forgetfulness. I can’t blame them, tho, they are just like me. :/
Steph
Steph, my oldest, like me is a forgetful “out of sight out of mind” type. I found that giving him a daily checklist right in the front of his binder (or some other book/folder he looks at several times a day) helped him remember stuff. If he just wrote it in his planner, he’d forget the moment he closed it.
What I am really in need of of, is how to teach study skills to my new middle schooler. he thinks if he reads the info once he knows it! but the rest of us know that’s not how it works (for most of the population anyway)
Sigh, yeah, study skills. I didn’t really learn that in school either so it’s a hard thing for me to “teach”. I was a very mediocre student and it took me until adulthood to come up with systems that work for me.
It’s stressful for me because I work full-time. By the time I get home I have to start dinner and I really don’t have the time to sit with them on their homework. Further, as older kids, I feel they should be doing it on their own and ask when they are unsure or need help. I shouldn’t have to be the nag to follow up and make sure they’ve actually even attempted it. I’ve always set routine and the expectation that they get their homework done and out of the way first thing. I’ve set the expectation that their number one job is to be good students. Alas, sometimes it just doesn’t work out according to expectations.
We started a new 7th grade wide homework policy this year. We shoot a daily video explaining what the homework is and where to find it. It has worked wonders and the parents love it. Most of the parents watch the video before the students get home from school and know exactly what the student should be working on. It may not work for elementary age kids, but it works great for middle schoolers.
Thank you for another great post! My kids are not yet in school, but I have heard so many stories about the awful after-school homework sessions that I positively dread that time. (I envy the reader above who is in a “low or no homework” school! I think homework is useless at best and counterproductive at worst, at least until kids are in 4th or 5th grade. But then, I come from a family of educators so am biased.) I was inspired by Ayelet Waldman’s book “Bad Mother,” and her section on the headaches of homework. She learned from a child psychologist or some other expert that developmentally kids should only be expected to complete about 10 minutes of homework a night for each grade they’re in. So first graders are capable of 10 minutes a night, second graders 20 minutes a night, etc. She approached her children’s teachers and asked them if they would be all right with the kids working on homework for their allotted age-appropriate time, then stopping. The teachers agreed. (I think teachers feel this homework overload is as absurd as many parents do, but are buckling to state standards.) I thought this deal she’d struck with her kids’ teachers was brilliant – I intend to do the same.