Lately, Clara has been really into playing “doggie”. “I’m the baby doggie and you’re the mommy!” she says…at least four dozen times per day.
She says it while I’m doing the dishes, pulling on my pants leg. “Pet your baby doggie, mommy!”
She plays it while I’m making the bed, jumping into the center of the sheet just as I’m smoothing it out. “Tell me I’m a bad baby doggie, mommy!”
And she loves to play it while I’m trying to work, nuzzling her head under my arm, usually just as I’m typing some crucial sentence. “Mommy, your baby doggie is lonely!”
Some days she keeps up such a steady stream of chatter and requests and oh my goodness touching that I literally feel like I have no time to form a complete thought.
Those are the days when I find myself trying to fight for a moment.
Do you know what I’m talking about? That moment, that moment, I just want that moment. A few minutes of nobody grabbing my arm, so I can write. A few seconds of silence, so I can complete a conversation. A moment to write. A moment to think.
Those are the days that a great idea for a blog post or essay comes to me, and I find myself gravitating toward my computer in the middle of making dinner, which of course leads to frustration on about 100 levels: I’m in the middle of something else so I can’t give writing my all; the kids are milling around my bedroom or office door, asking for snacks and homework help and “mommy, pretend I’m your baby doggie and you want to pet me,” and the pot’s boiling over and why can’t I just have this moment already?
Here’s a funny thing, though:
If I just give it time, the moment always does, eventually, come.
It might not happen until 9 PM, when all the kids are tucked into bed and the house is quiet.
It might not happen until 8 AM, when my older kids are gone to school and Clara is eating her breakfast.
It might not happen until 2 PM the next day, when everyone but me is napping (including the dogs).
But when I wait for it – instead of trying to force it where it doesn’t fit – the moment always comes.
Moms who are also writers, or businesspeople, or artists, or just thinkers have a big challenge trying to fit in a creative life or a work life around our children and their unpredictable neediness. Even if we have child care, that doesn’t mean our big ideas will always fit neatly into the prescribed hours we’re free of small people. And let’s face it, often those hours are more than full with the other stuff we have to do.
We get ideas. Thoughts. Things we want to act on. Like, now. Those things don’t always want to wait for the moment when we’re sitting in a quiet house with a computer at arm’s reach.
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with retreating to your bedroom or asking your kids to play quietly for a while when inspiration strikes. Not at all. But I also think there is a little thing called “reality” which dictates that a kid who really wants Mom, for whatever reason, probably isn’t going to just go off without pitching a fit. And that if you leave a couple of squabbling kids to their own devices while you escape to your bedroom, you’re just going to have them knocking on your door in two minutes anyway.
Trying to escape reality often just leads to even harsher reality smacking us upside the face. It’s a recipe for more stress, more frustration and many ruined moments.
So over the years, I’ve learned that trying to force the moment just doesn’t work. Not only does it shortchange everyone and everything (including the idea I want to express or mull over) but it just leads to more frustration, which leads to more resistance which often just delays the opportunity that might have presented itself if I’d been more patient.
Case in point: how many times have you tried to put a child off so you could finish an email or blog comment, when if you’d just given them a few moments of your attention, they might have gone happily off to play and given you the moment you so desperately wanted?
I’m trying to remind myself that ideas keep, and even when they slip away for a while, it might only be that it’s working itself out in my subconscious. If not, more ideas will come. They always do.
By fully engaging with my life – whatever moment I’m really in, rather than the one I only wish I was in – I’m in a better position to recognize when it’s time to grab my laptop and retreat to my bedroom.
I won’t say it’s always easy. But when I give up the fight – jotting that idea down, then returning to whatever had my attention before – I notice that I’m more able to recognize the moment when it finally shows up and can slip right into it without feeling conflicted or frustrated.
Note to self: instead of fighting for the moment, try to be ready for it when it comes.
Oh, this is so true–and it is something that I’m just starting to learn.
Clearly this is something I need to learn / improve on … because lately it’s me shouing “Could I please just have FIVE minutes?! F I V E minutes. PLEASE?!” 🙂
I joke that I have an alarm on my computer chair at home that once my butt hits it; it gives a sound that only children can hear, and then they all come to interrupt me. Seriously. On Sunday we returned from a road trip. For 90 minutes I unpacked and cleaned up the kitchen, etc. They all kept busy / to themselves. I then sat down to read email and instantly one needs help going to the bathroom, one wants to sit on my lap, and the other two are bickering about something insignificant and asking me to play referee. I do get frustrated…. their timing is amazing.
Not sure if you have young children, but there is a picture book called, “5 Minutes Peace.” It’s about a mama elephant and her three elephant babes that keep pestering her when all she wants is 5 minutes peace! Totally worth the read! 🙂
They are 8, 6, nearly 4, and 2.5 — I will have to look for that book! 🙂
There really is something magical about sitting at the computer. The kids can be in the other room, playing happily on their own. But once they sense I have settled down ….
Okay, I PROMISE I will try to take your wise words to heart and put them into action.
But I just get so RESENTFUL over these incidents. My kids are 3 and 5…when do they learn that I’m a human being with my own needs too?
(BTW, thank you for sharing the baby doggie story. My 3-yo does the SAME, EXACT THING, except he’s a bird. What is the meaning of it?)
Yeah, I hear you – it’s definitely not always easy to do this. I have had my fair share of resentful feelings and even anger when I’m constantly interrupted or just constantly needed. I think what I’m trying to work toward is an acceptance of the way things are, rather than the way I wish they would be.
I will say that my bigger kids are much much better about this…starting at about age 5 or 6 they really did seem to start understanding how to give me space. I won’t say they are always great at it, but I can say to my 7-year-old, “Mommy really needs five minutes alone” and he seems to at least try to understand. 🙂
So agree, Meagan! Sometimes it feels that moment doesn’t happen until the end of the day until we are totally pooped. But that doesn’t stop us from ruminating, and even jotting something down on good old paper. When I open the black hole of my laptop, I know I’m asking for frustration — on my part and my kids’ part — so I try my best wait for “that moment.” Like you say, it is hard though, and it is tempting to “just check” email or Twitter. Thank you for this reminder to stay conscious of our actions and remember that this moment now won’t last forever.
Oh I know this feeling so well. A great idea always strikes me at the most inopportune time and I find myself struggling to get away and do something with it regardlesss of what else I am doing. The creative process is tough for moms, when we must schedule so much of our day. But you are right, the moment will come. It always does.
This is so tricky, right?? I am super lucky in that my two (4 and 2) play together independently (and even alone independently) so well, that I get many mini-moments throughout the day. Interrupted, yes, but often I can get into a groove for a while. For me the trick is being purposeful with that time…it’s so hard. I wish I could save the “big ideas” for the really protected moments, and knock out all the small stuff while the small people are around. But it doesn’t happen that way–either because I’m not organized enough or the big ideas don’t come at the right time. One of my biggest struggles is when the moment finally DOES arrive (naptime, usually), I open my laptop and draw a total blank on what my highest purpose is at that moment. I notice that when I get clear with my *paper* to-do list first before looking at the computer screen, I can kind of get oriented better. Once I get sucked into the laptop…who knows how well I use the moment!
Totally agree with the paper to-do list, Sarah! Also, I put my “big ideas” on a whiteboard above my desk. It gets them out of my brain, but without the pressure of putting them on a ‘to-do’ list (since I’m not always sure I know what “to do” with them just yet anyway!) Having them there is great for those days when I have a few minutes to work and feel like tackling something a little bigger than the day-to-day stuff.
Thank you for this…I have been struggling with this…your advice is great…and it feels good to know I am not the only one that struggles with this!!
I try to get up on Monday and Tuesday mornings at 5:00, so that I can have 2 hours of uninterrupted time. To write. Just Mondays and Tuesdays because I know the rest of the week, I will be too worn out. But this lovely Tuesday morning, my two year old came upstairs and crawled into bed with us, just AFTER my alarm went off. I knew if I left my warm bed, he would just whine and complain and come after me, so I cuddled with him for two hours all the while thinking, “don’t wish this away. this is time you will never it back, Gianna.”
And while I wasn’t exactly enjoying it, I wasn’t completely upset either! This is a huge step for me.
I appreciate what you have to say especially “the ideas will keep and if they don’t, we’ll get new ones.” I needed to hear that.
Getting up early is HUGELY helpful and every time I manage to do it, I always feel so much calmer the rest of the day. And I love your anecdote about your time with your son. There is something so sweet about just surrendering to those moments (though it’s also very, very hard sometimes.)
I think you hit the nail on the head! When you give in to the moment they are asking you for, they are content and usually run off when they have your attention…I think they just want to know that they are more important to us than whatever we are doing. The frustrating part is, I’ll pick up the computer because they are in the playroom or watching Peter Pan for the 10th time, but the minute they see my eyes are not on them or what they want me to watch, they suddenly need me to play with them. When they ask me to play with them, that means “Mommy, you sit on the floor next to me and stare at me while I play”. Drives me nuts but reading what you wrote gave me the answer!
Maybe when we need that minute or five, we need to set them up that is so engrossing that they don’t want my input. For my oldest its coloring, for the youngest it’s dress up. They could do those things for a good half hour to an hour and never even look at me…it’s the only way DH and I can get in a few minutes alone sometimes too ;0)
Yes! The engrossing activities really help. I keep a bunch of that kind of stuff on a table near my desk and it has come in handy many times.
Someone once wrote that when you become a parent, you will feel that you’re being pulled in many different directions. Somehow, you’re never quite prepared for the sheer number of directions you’re being yanked into, not to mention juggling life in both past, present, and future tense. 🙂 When I do fight it, I only get feelings of living half-present in a half-lived life. When I do stop, breathe, smile and fully engage in the now, I feel more fulfilled in a more “long-term” type of way compared to the satisfaction of checking off the tickbox on my to-do list for the day. Gotta do that more often!
This is so me, right down to the mommy and baby doggie!!
Steph
I just love you! Your posts are always right on target for me! I think I’m going to try to include my daughter in my moments of creativity to try to turn them into magic moments instead of fighting for the moments. Thank you for the reminder that they do come if we just breathe with reality. big hugs to ya! Michelle W
Great post, and I agree with you for the most part. I struggle with finding a balance between giving everything I have to my children, husband, friends, family, etc. and having enough left over for myself. I think it is important for children to know that Mommy needs time to herself too… That Mommy’s needs are equally important as their own. It can’t always be about them 100% of the time. But I do agree that I definitely need to learn to live in the moment more often! Thank you for your thought provoking post – you may have stimulated some creative ideas for a future article of my own.
Oh, I absolutely agree, Kim. I think that even as we’re teaching our kids this, though, it’s smart to keep our expectations in check…because while they might be learning, that doesn’t mean they will always behave accordingly.
Such a great post…Those “moments” seem to be far and few between, but I find myself scribbling ideas on random pieces of paper when they pop in my head, so that I can pick up on them later. I like your thought in the comments about having a whiteboard to write your “big ideas”…very practical, because I tend to put them on my to do list, and that’s so ridiculous 🙂
Great post! Thanks for sharing your thoughts!
“Or they just suck up the next 8hrs and you get to the end and you realize that you haven’t even brushed your teeth yet.”
I had to read this post to my wife who laughed and laughed in recognition of the problem. We have a 3yr old who does exactly the same thing. The quote above was her response after I had read it to her. Obviously what you say is true. Those moments do come. I also read a Bill Bryson essay where his son was going off to University and he was reminiscing about the days when he was trying to write something and his son would keep bothering him to come and play catch. Bill pointed out in the end he realized that it was far more important to go out and play ball while he still could and was still being asked then letting his son down and having his son stop asking him. It also reminded me of that old song by Harry Chapin, “Cats in the Cradle”.
Finding extra time to read can be difficult for the modern person who is joined at the hip to laptops and cellphones. Responsibilities like family, work and household duties make it hard to find the time to open a book. However, with a little creativity, it is possible to make extra time for reading.