On Friday afternoon, Jon and I headed into Chicago to hang out with some friends of ours who were coming in from L.A. We had a low-key evening and weekend planned: dinner out, staying over Friday, then heading back for the usual Saturday and Sunday stuff: getting the house cleaned up, hanging out with the kids.
We had some time to kill before dinner, so we headed to a salon around the corner from the hotel so I could get my nails done. Jon sat nearby reading a magazine and I made halting conversation with the technician, whose English seemed limited to polite questions about children and spouses. At one point, she motioned at my wedding ring, then at Jon.
“You celebrate?” she asked.
Celebrate? She must mean an anniversary. “Oh, no,” I started to say. Then it dawned on me. It was July 10? No, 11. That meant the next day would be July 12…the day we got married. “I mean, actually, YES!” I awkwardly continued.
“Ahh!” she said, looking happy, if a bit confused. “How many year?”
“Sixteen!” I crowed. (Wrong again. It was actually 17. But this time, I didn’t correct myself out loud.)
What can I say? We’re pretty lousy at commemorating dates in this household. (You’ll remember that I almost forgot about both Mother’s Day and Father’s Day this year.) To be fair, the fact that Jon and I divorced and remarried – and therefore technically have two dates to keep track of plus some confusion over which of those dates we should officially celebrate – does complicate things a bit.
But in general, we’ve just never been huge on setting aside one special day to celebrate a relationship that already happens every day. It’s the marriage that counts, not the wedding – right? But in this case, how convenient! We were already out, dinner plans made, hotel room booked, kids with family two hours away. And it just happened to be the eve of our anniversary to boot! Now we could really celebrate.
As it turned out, the fact that it was “anniversary eve” didn’t change much about the way we spent our evening. We had a lovely dinner with our friends, full of great conversation and a lot of laughter. After dinner we walked to a couple places for more of the same. And when the pub we were in closed at midnight, we decided to call it a night and head back to our respective hotels.
Jon and I had grand plans of keeping the party going when we got back to our hotel – it had an awesome bar in the lobby that we’d wanted to check out, and we had a bottle of bubbly on ice waiting for our return – but on the walk back, I got really, really tired.
By the time we got back to the room, I wanted to go to sleep. He wanted to, uh, not go to sleep. Unhappy words were spoken, and I wound up with my back to him, curled up at the far edge of the bed – my predictably adolescent defense mechanism when my feelings are hurt – while he watched what felt like endless analysis of LeBron James’ return to Cleveland on ESPN.
Neither of us slept well that night. The air conditioning in our historic hotel kicked on periodically with such vigor that it left us shivering under the comforters. Still, I stuck stalwartly to my edge, and he made no motion toward me for hours. At some point, though, early in the morning, we both gave up the standoff for survival’s sake and wound up curled around each other for warmth. Then we slept like rocks, far past our usual wake-up time, well into the late morning.
Lying on “my” edge of the bed hours earlier, nursing my hurt feelings while my teeth chattered, I’d intended to hang on to that icy distance until I got what I felt entitled to: an apology, maybe, or some grand gesture of conciliation. But by the time we woke up from our deep second slumber, I couldn’t even remember exactly what I’d been so upset about to begin with. Huddled together for warmth, we’d both made an unspoken decision to forget about it. Not to salvage our anniversary “date,” but out of respect for our marriage.
It’s a nice and lovely thing to commemorate the memory of the day you said “I do.” But I’ve seen so much expectation, and often, accompanying disappointment and resentment surrounding weddings, anniversaries, and other “big dates.”
The truth is, we marry the same person just once (okay, if you’re us, twice.) And no matter how lovely the wedding was, as time goes on it grows smaller and fuzzier and less important in the rear-view mirror. What remains clear, life-sized, crucial, critical – is the day-to-day choice to be married, to celebrate your marriage, to honor your spouse. On both the the downtown-hotel, dinner-plans and Prosecco-sipping days and the grocery-shopping, laundry-folding and pouring-yet-another-glass-of-milk days.
The rest of our anniversary day went much like any other Saturday. After driving home, we shopped for groceries and did laundry. Jon, Clara and I took a nap, this time curled up together in the middle of our bed with the air-conditioning set at a reasonable level. We did the lunch dishes and made dinner. In the evening we headed over to my brother’s house and watched a movie while the kids played.
All in all, not much special happened the 17th anniversary of the day Jon and I said “I do.” Or did it? After our chilly Friday night, I think we were a little more careful of each other’s feelings, a little more intentional about the way we spoke and acted, a little more conscious about making one another happy. A special kind of recognition, wrapped up in the trappings of a regular day. Something we can carry forward to today and the next day and the next.
Because while it was nice to clink glasses Friday night and toast our wedding all those years ago, what really matters to me is celebrating our marriage...day after day after day.
Every Sunday morning I share a moment from the recent past and something it illustrated about motherhood, family life, or simply being human. You can catch up on more Sunday Morning Tea posts right here.
It’s funny, our 10th anniversary was this past Thursday… After having 4 kiddos in 6 years, several of our anniversaries have gone by with a simple card and maybe a babysitter for dinner sans-kids’ meal… So this year, I went all out for him (us, really). I made a dinner reservation and a night away at the hotel we spent our wedding night. Emailed his boss and scored him the next day off. Squared the kids away at my mom’s for the night and following day. Surprised him with a handmade time-line of special events from our first kiss to that night. It was WAY more than we normally do, but it felt right this year. 10 years felt like A LOT, an accomplishment, something to set aside time for and reflect on where we’ve been and where we’d like to head. It was definitely a celebration of our marriage. We really enjoyed the time with one another to just connect again as grownups, uninterrupted for several hours rather than minutes. But it was back to the business (and busyness!) of life in less than 24 hours. And that was OK too. Because this life is ours. We’ve built it, claimed it, and we are celebrating it! Happy Anniversary to you and Jon!
“Because this life is ours. We’ve built it, claimed it, and we are celebrating it!” I love that Cory! And I definitely think there is value in those “special” celebrations, too, especially with the amount of thought you obviously put into it. Congratulations and happy anniversary to you, too!
I relate to this so much! My husband and I recognize our anniversary but we rarely go all out or do something super special. One year my mom had them for the weekend so we made an awesome steak house dinner at home. Before we had kids we would get each other a gift, the one that symbolizes each year: paper, wood, leather, etc. After kids, we hardly had the time or funds to get each other a gift. But we are totally fine with that. LIke you we celebarte our marriage as a day-to-day thing. Not a once a year thing. We also value our time as a couple (17 years!) as opposed to our wedding date which is “only” 12 in October. Comedian Patton Oswalt does an awesome bit about celebrating birthdays. The same could be applied to wedding anniversaries also! Great post. Pinned
Katie, I found out that the traditional gift for a 17th wedding anniversary is FURNITURE! Not sure that’s in the budget this year, but I can hope
I’ll have to look up the sketch you mentioned!
Love. this. post! I understand completely wanting to celebrate a marriage or relationship moreso than a date of those aspects. I often forget all about these ‘special’ days as well, simply because I’m so busy living my life in the day-to-day moments that truly make a life what it is and make it worth living.
Congratulations on your 17th wedding anniversary! Ever more congratulations for celebrating your relationship and being present with those moments that make up your relationship together!
Thank you so much for the kind words & congrats!
Wow. This really resonates with me not only because we just booked our hotel for 13th anniversary weekend but because we had a date night on Friday that was so fun and different than our normal date night routine that it kindled something special. No matter that the next day we were up at 6 with the kids and had a full day of routine tasks, we both didn’t want the wonderful feeling we had to end just because the day was not “special”. We kept the good vibe going all weekend in between moving furniture, working on our finances and doing all the regular tasks. It made such a difference and made me take a closer look at how much value we put on small increments of time. REALLY love this post!!
I love that, Vicky! Congratulations to you!
We haven’t celebrated our anniversary in years. Definitely not since our second was born. But yes, I absolutely agree, celebrating marriage is much more important.
People often criticize “Hallmark Holidays” like Mother’s Day — it’s just a gimmick to sell more stuff. In a way, they’re right. But it’s also a wonderful excuse to stop and give Mom a special thanks to let her know she’s appreciated.
Of course, that doesn’t matter if she gets mistreated the other 364 days.
I think of wedding anniversaries the same way. What a wonderful way to honor your bond and commitment! Yet does it matter if the communication between you and your spouse is on life support?
Celebrating these “events” is up to each person. I love ’em, frankly. But the bigger point is to use these days to remember to honor and love the people in your life all year ’round.