A lot of people identified with my last post about saving the day after Mom’s lost it. But a common theme in the comments-one that I understand all too well-is that it’s one thing to see the car careening out of control, but it’s not always so easy to actually turn it around. As Amber said, “Sometimes I can even SEE that I’m ruining the day but still can’t pull it together.” Oh, boy, have I been there.
We’ve all been there, right? But that doesn’t mean we can’t do better next time. Whether you’re avoiding putting yourself in stress-causing situations, heading off a meltdown when you feel your blood pressure starting to rise, or simply recovering from your most recent freakout, it’s never too late and there’s always something you can do. Here are some tips:
BEFORE the meltdown:
- Prepare for peace. I love Steph’s comment that moms often make lots of “practical” preparations (like I did with the sunscreen, the packed lunches and the itinerary) but forget to prepare our hearts and minds. Fact is things aren’t always going to go according to plan. In fact, they’re almost never going to go according to plan. We do ourselves a huge favor when we go into every situation with a plan of how we’ll deal, mentally, if things fall apart.
- Adjust expectations. Was it reasonable for me to expect myself to be able to handle five kids at the fair? Sure, I’ve done it before, and it was within my comfort zone. Was it reasonable for me to try to tack on an extra two hours to an already full day? Weeeelll….maybe not. Truth is, I was a little high on my supermom-ness from pulling off the first few hours of the outing with such finesse, and assumed I’d be able to keep it up a while longer. Pride does indeed goeth before the fall. And it wasn’t exactly reasonable for me to expect my kids, who were also tired and hot, to keep going like Energizer bunnies, either. Truth be told, I should have quit while I was ahead.
But I didn’t quit while I was ahead and found myself pacing outside the men’s room, watching the moments tick by and becoming more and more angry. What might I have done differently?
JUST PRIOR TO the meltdown
- Breathe. Yogis have the right idea, people. Taking a nice deep breath is calming, and it forces you to take a moment before reacting.
- Remain silent. Words have power. Once I start griping or yelling, the words and tone I put out just feed my anger and sometimes I can’t seem to stop. Staying quiet for a few moments helps me make sure I’m about to say something I really want to say.
Ahh, hindsight is 20/20. Even knowing all this intellectually, I still found myself-as so many of us do-angry, annoyed, and yelling (did I mention in front of a crowd of people?) Here’s what I DID do, though, to turn the situation around:
DURING or AFTER the meltdown
- Play armchair psychologist. I asked myself: why am I angry? Who am I angry with? Why? Am I being fair? Does any of this really matter that much?
- Once again, BREATHE. Really, deep breathing can fix so many anxious and annoyed moments if we just take the time.
- Apologize and move on. Making a decision to no longer be angry can feel impossible, but it’s amazing how freeing it really can be. You know the Bible verse about heaping hot coals of kindness on your enemy’s head? When you decide to “act as if” you’re no longer angry, and when you make the genuine decision to forgive and move on, it’s as if you melt all the will to be angry and to hold on to annoyance right out of yourself.
Sometimes apologizing is the hardest part of parenting. Especially when I’m feeling justifiably angry or my kids have really done something wrong. I don’t know about you, but I was raised in a house where the parent always gets the last word, and even if my mom or dad had felt sheepish about over-reacting to something, I don’t think they ever would have admitted it. It was simply too important, in their thinking, to hold on to authority. But rather than making me feel less in control as a parent, I find that the simple act of apologizing is one of my secret tools to happiness. No matter how badly I’ve behaved-and no matter how badly they’ve behaved-saying “I’m sorry” when I overreact teaches my kids that apologizing when you’re wrong is the right thing to do. And it makes everyone feel a whole lot better.
Do you have any strategies you use to help you avoid, de-fuse, or move past a mommy meltdown?
I have mixed feelings on the “remain silent” advice here. Yes, speaking from a really emotional place may not be productive. But on the other hand, it’s not good for your health or your kids’ sense of reality if you constantly stuff all of your strong feelings in a big dark hole all of the time. Sometimes kids need to know that mommy does have an end of her rope and means business, and crossing a certain line may well make her cry, freak out or get scary-mad. Trying to grin and bear it through your kids’ bad behaviors doesn’t necessarily do either of you any favors.
.. one strategy I have just adopted is to not drive while emotional. If anyone is screaming, irritating their sibling, etc., Pull over, step out of the car and stand by it for as long as it takes until everyone is able to behave.
Marcie, good point. When I say “remain silent” I don’t mean stuff down your feelings. I mean take a moment without speaking to be sure that you’re about to say what you really want to say. Once I start talking (yelling) I find it hard to reign my feelings in.
Sometimes the yelling is absolutely called for. But I’d say for me-as somebody who struggles with being an overly yelly mom-that’s only the case maybe 5% of the time. Taking a moment to reflect tells me whether or not this is one of those situations where being “scary mad” or yelling is warranted.
And being silent isn’t the same as grinning and bearing it, either. Sometimes that silence-you know the one where it’s apparent Mom is trying to pull herself together before she does something she’ll regret-has an even bigger impact on my kids than yelling does.
*The more I want to yell, the more I lower my voice. This is very much a purposeful and somewhat forced thing (especially when I first started it), but my children have come to recognize this “very calm” voice in place of my yelling voice and respond accordingly (great for public situations!). I realized my “I mean it” voice can be anything I want it to be, I just have to “mean it” when I’m using that voice.
*If things are chaotic (and I’m tempted to yell in an attempt to regain peace), I force myself to practice what I call hand-on-shoulder talking. Instead of yelling over everyone (which is what I really want to do), I go to each child individually, put my hand on his/her shoulder and gently speak in their ear what I want them to start doing. It takes slightly longer, but, honestly, is so much more effective.
*Look for anger triggers and tackle them individually. For example, a huge trigger for me was during potty training when a child would poop in his/her underwear. I hated (still hate) pulling down underwear with poop in it. So I bought some training pants with snaps on the side. If the child has an accident, I can just change it like a diaper, which is not at all an anger trigger. Another one was yelling between siblings, so I went for about two weeks and was ULTRA consistent with correcting that behavior. That couple of weeks bought me months of peace before I had to do another “boot camp” week or two (btw, “boot camp” is more for how I treat myself than my kids, I need to correct my kids for those type things anyway, I just make myself be more consistent about it).
One thing I learned during the very LONG year I taught Kindergarten (boy, was I not right for *that* job) was to crouch down to their eye level and put a steady hand on an arm or shoulder, and then talk in a low voice. Which really does work but is VERY hard when inside you are losing it and want to scream and tear your eyeballs out.
Five kids at a fair? Girl, no amount of gin could get me through that experience.
I adore all of your concrete specific example, everyone! Screaming is rewarding short term because it makes me feel better and (sort of) works for a bit but then I end up feeling guilty and start seeing the kids screaming at each other so… not really so much a good thing.
Tami-this “I realized my “I mean it” voice can be anything I want it to be, I just have to “mean it” when I’m using that voice.” is GENIUS.
I’m totally stealing that!
Leah, isn’t it weird how GOOD it can feel to yell…for about thirty seconds…and then how BAD it feels when you finally stop and hear your voice echoing around you?
And Kitchen Witch-I’ve tried that technique. You’re right that it works. You’re also right that it’s SO HARD, especially when you’ve got multiple children running off in different directions. But it’s worth making the effort, anyway. Thanks for the reminder; I’m going to add that back into my repertoire.
I like what The Kitchen Witch said-getting down at eye level. It makes such an incredible difference to stop what I’m doing, change my posture, and treat my kids like the little humans they are instead of creatures whose job it is to do what I tell them to do.
The other thing I do to move on (in addition to all your great tips) is to forgive myself and remind myself that my children KNOW THEY ARE LOVED. And I might call a friend for a little confessional.
I am loving Steph’s comment about preparing our hearts and minds. I think that is something that I could really use.
I will also say that often a lot of problems arise when I’m not being present in a situation. When I’m too busy thinking about 15 other things. Kids really need you to be there with them. Especially when there’s a lot going on. It’s not easy, but it’s something I’m trying to be much more mindful of.
I was nodding my head through this post and your last one. It’s good to see you talking about this. We all loose our cool sometimes. What I think is important is important is thinking about it afterwards.
I like your suggestion to play armchair psychologist. Sometimes when I ask myself “why” I find that I don’t really have a good answer, and it makes me reassess.
Amanda
I think apologizing is so important. My mom never apologized to me, and still doesn’t, and it really bothers me. I try my hardest to apologize to Michael.