My mom, Marie, in the 60s
When I was a little girl, I had dinner with my family – my mom and whichever older siblings were still at home – every night. I don’t remember my mom ever making a big deal about it, and as a divorced, working mother running a daycare out of our home, she certainly didn’t spend a ton of time in the kitchen. But it was an accepted fact: at 6:00 PM, dinner would be on the table, and we’d all be sitting around it. In the midst of my fairly unpredictable and disjointed childhood, family dinners came to be something I could rely on, a ritual that shapes my memories of growing up.
But even with the best of intentions, for years I had serious trouble re-creating that experience with my own family. I’d spend hours in the kitchen trying to create a gourmet meal, only to watch every nose wrinkle as the kids caught a whiff. I’d spend the first ten minutes of the meal running around, refilling cups and negotiating over peas, only to face a chorus of “Can I be excused?” the moment I sat down. By the time kids left the table, I’d feel used, abused, unappreciated…and hungry.
At some point I looked back to those dinners I had growing up and realized that my mom had stayed cool and collected through most of the meals. Why? She didn’t hold herself to impossible nutritional standards. She didn’t entertain any vegetable-related drama. And she didn’t knock herself out trying to become the Next Food Network Star. What she did was simple: cooked a basic, wholesome meal, as much for herself as for us, put it on the table, and ate. End of story.
By embracing my mom’s approach, I’ve been able to make our family mealtime – and the work I put into making those meals – a lot more enjoyable and relaxed. Here are some ways I’ve done it:
- Keep it simple. Let’s face it – for busy moms, cooking shows are about 90% entertainment. Sure, that Alton Brown recipe looks amazing, but what the heck are Grains of Paradise and do they even carry them at my local supermarket? While I’m all about introducing my kids to new flavors, I’m also a realist: they like familiar foods best. My mom served some variation of pot roast, baked chicken, and spaghetti weekly for years, and we all ate without complaint (even if I did occasionally hide lima beans in my napkin). Following her example, I save more experimental dishes for weekends, holidays, and days that I happen to be feeling adventurous and un-frazzled, and the rest of the time we rotate the same 8-10 basic meals. I’ve got those meals committed to memory, I know they’re wholesome, and the kids will eat them: win, win, win.
my sister Kathreen and I at the dinner table. That's me in the bib. I wore it until I was 5.
- Embrace the process. You know what makes me grumpy? When I spend an hour or more in the kitchen making a meal, put it on the table with a flourish…and within five minutes everybody is begging to leave the table. All that work for five minutes? What’s the point? At least, it used to make me grumpy, until I decided to make a “kitchen hour” a regular, enjoyable part of my nightly routine. When I make a point to listen to good music or an interesting podcast, chat with the kids, and maybe enjoy a nice glass of Malbec while I cook, it starts to feel like a pleasant nightly routine instead of drudgery. My mom was too busy to spend a lot of time puttering in the kitchen, but you could tell she cooked just as much for herself as for us.
- Learn a few techniques. If you didn’t grow up in the kitchen, you may find yourself avoiding intimidating – but ultimately, super easy – cooking methods like poaching a chicken breast or roasting veggies. But having a small arsenal of cooking techniques at your disposal will make planning and cooking your meals so much easier. Just pick one or two each month to focus on, and keep working on them until they start to feel like second nature (you’ll know when they’re committed to memory, because you won’t feel like obsessively checking the cookbook every thirty seconds to make sure you’re doing it right.) After all, as my mom showed me, if you know how to roast a chicken or make a basic sauce, you’ll always be able to pull off a meal.
- Forget about 100% healthy and homemade. Yes, we all love fresh, organic, locally-sourced produce, but store-brand frozen green beans are way better than no green beans at all. It’s too easy to burn out (not to mention run out of money!) when I try to make every meal a culinary masterpiece created with only the healthiest ingredients. I’ve noticed that when I allow a few shortcuts and less-than-optimal treats, it makes getting a meal on the table so much easier that I’m more likely to stick to it, night after night. I remember that my mom always made mashed potatoes from a box because with her busy life, she just didn’t have time for peeling and mashing. I prefer real potatoes and am willing to put in the time to mash (though I just buy the thin-skinned ones and don’t bother to peel!) but I can get on board with the overall philosophy: maybe it won’t win me any gourmet cooking awards, but serving up some refrigerated crescent rolls with an otherwise wholesome, homemade meal beats a last-minute “I just can’t DO THIS ANYMORE!” run to the drive-thru any day.
- Serve bread and focus on your own plate. Nothing wrecks mealtime like obsessing over how much your kids are or aren’t eating. Of course you want them to eat the veggies you’ve lovingly prepared, but is it worth a fight? Come up with some laid-back table rules – say, they have to try a bite of each food – but if they aren’t having it, don’t let it ruin your meal. I give my mom major props for never giving into dinnertime drama or trying to control our eating habits, and I think it’s a big part of the reason I don’t have major food hangups today, even though I went through a very picky phase as a child. Make sure there’s something at each meal that they will eat (bread, rice, fruit, cheese, etc) and focus on enjoying your own meal rather than trying to control theirs – or worse, offering to jump up and make an alternative. Most kids will eventually outgrow pickiness…especially if they see other people enjoying the Brussels Sprouts while they’re eating yet another plate of brown rice.
{ 42 comments… read them below or add one }
What a beautiful post! Yes, we too had a dinner time ritual – even though my mom was also a divorced, working physician. She was a little more hardcore about the health aspects of our food though, I’m sure as a result of her profession. I love your recco to focus on your own plate. That is SO true…
oh meagan, you’ve done it again….. your posts are just so spot on. that is why I love reading them. they inspire and educate. thank you for this post.
I might actually print this and stick it up on my cabinet above the kitchen sink. Doesn’t it say a lot about our insane, impossible expectations in this culture when a little bit of common sense seems radical?
I refuse to have drama at the table either. Peanut butter is always an option. And I recognize the power of being intentional about the prep time. It’s when I allow the dinner hour to sneak up on me that I get most flustered and frustrated. I need to start thinking of red wine and Fresh Air podcasts as essential kitchen staples.
“Doesn’t it say a lot about our insane, impossible expectations in this culture when a little bit of common sense seems radical?” – Kyran, YES! You don’t know how many times I go to post something and think, nah, this is too obvious, too common-sense, right? And those are the posts that always seem to get the most heads nodding. We are all suffering from a cultural deficit of common sense! And even when we know better, it’s so hard not to get caught up in it.
This provided much needed assurance – especially as I flirt with – “why cook a meal when it is just me and the kids for the rest of the year?” WE are worth the effort and sense of routine!
*website launching soon!
Yes, yes, YES. You are worth the effort. And it just makes life better.
You already know this, but I have basically the same rules, and the same system, and the same attitude. I was finding, for a while, that I was dreading/hating cooking, until I tried to reconnect with what I actually liked about it, which that “kitchen hour” aspect of it. I listen to some music or NPR news, maybe pour a little wine, and get into the rhythm of cooking, and the creativity (even in those heavy-rotation, done-it-100-times dishes), and I feel better about it. What my mother taught me was to keep it simple and basic, and to get it done or at least on its way earlier than you need to, which she always did. Not crazy early, but early enough so that it’s all done but some simmering about 15 mins before the kids tend to come storming into the kitchen. My mom would then, in her words, “throw herself on the couch” and chill for a few. I tend to sit down at the set table, have that wine and work on last week’s crossword puzzle, or even (don’t tell the kids!) play some Angry Birds on my iPod! That always feels better than rushing to the table.
Love the ‘throw herself on the couch’ mental image, Denise! I love it when I set aside a few minutes to sit at the table and flip through a magazine before dinner. It’s great to feel relaxed and ready, not harried and rushed.
I never used to fuss about the kids eating everything I made until I started actually taking time with my meal-making and realized as they get older I DO want them to try new things. So our rule has been 1 bite of everything and it’s totally okay if they don’t like it. But then we teach manners about what to do when they don’t like it.
I do think attitudes (mine and theirs) change when you actually embrace that kitchen hour.
Steph
You are so right! I’ve run the gamut–trying all kinds of stuff no one but me like and putting mac & cheese out with carrot on the side. We’ve landed somewhere in the middle and thank goodness–I really don’t want mac & cheese every night (with or without carrots!).
You are so right! I’ve run the gamut–trying all kinds of stuff no one but me like and putting mac & cheese out with carrot on the side. We’ve landed somewhere in the middle and thank goodness–I really don’t want mac & cheese every night (with or without carrots!).
Great post. I like the point you made about avoiding dinner time drama. So much easier to get everyone to the table if you know there are not going to be vegetable wars going on.
Sadly, my parents didn’t teach me much about putting meals on the table. My dad tried to later when he remarried, but we didnt’ live with them all the time. Still, I do appreciate that at least in that respect, we had family dinners.
My #1 way to keep dinner drama free is Planning and Prep Time. Since weekdays are hectic, I try to plan 4 meals out (Mon-Thurs). Also, I plan our schedule for me to try and be home by 4:30 or 5 at the latest. I have found if I allow myself plenty of prep time, that helps go a long way in not running around my kitchen frantically.
Thank you for this post. It’s exactly what I needed to read as I sit here and try to make my weekly menu and grocery list.
This is a GREAT post!!!
I needed to read this LAST night while I was stressing and making dinner.
But I will remember it tonight. I hope. I do tend to be a bit of a slow learner. Sigh.
I think it’s very easy to overlook the benefits of a limited rotation. It doesn’t mean you have to eat the same thing every night for a week (although Mr. Sandwich would happily do so), and it doesn’t mean you have to lock yourself into “Monday-night meatloaf.” But having, as you say, 8-10 regular options means that you’ve got one to two weeks worth of routine–which definitely leaves room for the occasional experiment or adventure.
This is a great post! We are struggling at meal time right now, mostly because soccer season just started. My kids have been good about trying things, but are always still hungry right after dinner. Most of the time, I don’t let that bother me, but after working hard to get a big dinner on the table, it annoys me. So, I’m pinning your article and will reference it on those days when I feel a bit crazy. Thank you!
We are slowly getting there now that our youngest is approaching two. It’s very challenging to work full time outside the home, come home to an infant/young toddler, and get dinner for the entire family on the table at a reasonable time (our kids are 7, 5, 3, 22mo). To be honest, that first year back to work after having our 4th, I threw in the towel and didn’t even bother. My husband and I would reheat frozen meals I cooked on the weekend and the kids ate a lot of simple meals of sandwhiches or mac n cheese served with large servings of fresh fruits and steamed veggies that I could whip together in 10min. Their meals were healthy (they all LOVE steamed veggies) but not a formal meal for the 6 of us. It was also hard to get all 6 of us at the table at the same time. Once the baby was about 16mo though, I finally was able to start getting into a routine (reading about Meagan’s six meal shuffle was a great fix). Now I have my list of go to meals, a list of new recipes I hope to try, and I make a plan for the next week so things fall into place. I have also learned to prep as much as I can the night before to simplify things the next day. It’s still hard some weeks but as the kids get older, we are getting there.
I actually went through the opposite growing up–I grew up on dinners of cereal whenever I felt hungry and if my mom was feeling domestic, frozen microwave dinners or some Rice-A-Roni! It’s been hard starting from scratch in the kitchen without a role model, but dinner together as a family is one of my #1 priorities!
You’re so right – it takes time, and it honestly took me until my 30s to get a decent rhythm down. My mom cooked, but she was so busy that she didn’t really include me in the kitchen, so I grew up watching without knowing what to do. It’s worth every effort, though. I love feeling increasingly competent and confident in the kitchen.
I really love this, great tips! I am often trying too hard. I will add this, it’s so hard to cook during witching hour I’ve taken to doing quite a bit of meal prep right after breakfast, when the kids are playing happily. Some days dinner is done by 10am, it’s been a real game changer for me.
I really like this post. It’s a great reminder of what is really important at dinnertime. With a super picky 2 year old, I found myself up and down, up and down at each meal trying to find things for her to eat. Reading this and looking back at my old childhood made me realize that we didn’t always like everything but we liked something. I’m going to work on that so we can sit down and enjoy our dinner as a family more. Thanks for the reassurance that there’s nothing wrong with chicken and spaghetti – we don’t need to be the Next Food Network Star! Sometimes you just want to hear someone else say what you think is right, but are scared to admit outloud!
This was just what I needed tonite! It’s like you read my mind!
On the “Learn a few techniques” note, there is a great Anthony Bourdain, No Reservations episode where a bunch of talented chefs go over the basics that every cook should know. It was very interesting and entertaining and I believe you can find it on Netflix streaming.
Cheers!
Totally checking that out. Thanks Alecia!
Great article Meagan! Liked it a lot. I agree that it’s so important just to chill out about what the kids eat (and not be offended when they turn up their noses!).
My mom was a great cook and made really nice meals when I was growing up, although we didn’t always like them of course. She always had plain, sliced brown bread (storebought), butter and jam on the table. Regardless of whether or not it actually went along with the meal. If we didn’t like the food, we could eat bread. But she never, ever cooked two separate hot meals.
I don’t have many memories of family dinners, but I have been working on making the prep time easier on myself so dinners are less stressful. Usually it is just the kids and me as my hubby works until late on weekdays. I too have learned to not stress over what they do or don’t eat, and they actually eat better when I don’t say anything.
I recently wrote about this too. http://www.amommytoamommy.blogspot.in/2012/02/taming-crazy-hour.html
Well I learned what NOT to do from my mother about meals – do not make a huge deal of presentation and “proper” behaviour! I grew up in a house where everything got transferred from cooking pot to serving dish before being put on the table. The amount of dishes was astounding, and pretty dishes don’t make a meal more enjoyable, in fact everything gets cold before you can actually eat. If that’s really your bag, get pretty oven to tableware. Manners were also way to big a deal, did you know that you shouldn’t scrape up the last bit of yummy soup in your dish that’s rude. But on a deeper level, I learned that family meals aren’t about the surface details, I don’t care if my kids learn manners at the table, I want to know they’re learning a healthy appreciation for food and eating and nutrition and family time. So my veggies are often strange shapes from my little helpers, and there are mashed potato volcanoes built and eaten, and as long as daddy gets an adult sized fork and we sing a blessing together without too much irreverant behaviour it’s all good, and its all coming from the big red soup pot, not a tureen.
It also seems like it would make a LOT more dirty dishes doing it that way…lol! I am all about teaching proper table manners for when they’re needed (eventually), but at a casual family dinner we’re allowed to be a little freer and I love that we can be irreverent and even a little crass at the table and it’s still OK, because we are at home with one another most when we’re at the dinner table.
I enjoyed your article. I’d like to know what the eight meals in your rotation are. Please.
It changes depending on time of year (we grill a lot in the summer, for example) but this time of year it’s:
pot roast
pork tenderloin
taco night
roast chicken
soup (usually chicken made from the carcass of the roast chicken!)
beef stew
pasta (sometimes with red sauce, sometimes with shrimp, lemon, oil)
drumsticks and ____ (noodles, rice, potatoes, veggies, salad.) this is a great CHEAP meal that’s also really quick to make.
We eat other things too but this is the basic rotation.
Thanks!!
Thanks for the great article. I particularly like the idea of the “kitchen hour”.
My sister LOVES to cook, she just does, but I have never really enjoyed it. I like the outcome of a nice homemade meal, but the preparation is not that enjoyable for me, and then if my children or husband don’t really like it it seems like I have put in a lot of effort for little reward. The “kitchen hour” idea seems like a great way to make the preparation time fly by, plus get some extra little kitchen jobs done at the same time. Thanks for the suggestion. I think I will start my own kitchen hour tonight.
Thanks! I’d love to hear how it goes!
I absolutely love this post! What a great approach to dinner and your tips actually solve some of the issues I’m dealing with right now.
My mom always taught us that the kitchen was the heart of the home. It wasn’t just for cooking and eating, but also for visiting, conversation, laughter, and family.
I’m not sure if my Mom taught me these, but over the last 3 years or so, I’ve learned most these tips, and they are well worth learning. Great post. Definitely worth sharing and for me, reading to know I’m doing some stuff right, thank you.
Great post Meagan! Your mom taught you to be a good kitchen person, so you have to thank her for that. Even I have been in the kitchen for over 10 years now, I’m still messy doing my cooking.. That’s the thing I need to improve.
I guess one of the hidden blessings of having an acid reflux/dairy intolerant child has been that I don’t go in for idealism around what my child does and does not eat. He eats a lot of processed foods. I am starting to realize that part of the reason for this is that I love to cook and to eat and I only have a few recipes that get made more than twice per year. He has to see us eat something a few times before he decides to give it a try, so this sets us up for my two-year-old refusing to eat what we have for dinner. I’m trying to get back to making some of the same things over just to see if we can entice him to eat more homemade stuff. It’s just a matter of trying to find dairy-free recipes that are easy enough to make, cheap enough to afford and tasty enough to eat over and over.
At least my husband usually appreciates what I cook. He still feels guilty for how he and his sisters treated his mom’s efforts at cooking.
Thanks for the post. I hope to incorporate some of what you learned. I’m sure it will help me from becoming grumpy at dinnertime.
Hi, Meagan,
I, too, was a product of the 1960s Mom. As the youngest of seven children, Mom always had dinner on the table. We said grace, were taught manners, “please, pass the potatoes,” and “please, may I be excused” from the table. Mom tried and introduced us to all kinds of deliciousness–whatever was in vogue at the time!
As a Mom of three, now in college, I too, tried all types of recipes
when they were young–to the same conclusion…turned up noses, etc. Dinner was and continues to be, whenever possible, together with whoever is home. Sometimes it is at 8 PM or later. We’ll wait on the majority!
Somewhere along the line, my eldest decided to get culinarily adventuresome….. Now, all three kids beg me to cook and try different and fun cuisines–curries, paellas, Asian, Cajun, and even Sushi! With mounting tuition bills we cannot afford to dine out, so together we research what we want to try and make it together! Their friends dine at our house regularly and I am getting requests to make their favorites as well.
I’ve learned that the dining together is the key and whatever you can do to enhance the time and the experience is what makes it the best!!
Thank you so much for this post! I too often find myself jumping up and down from the table and spending time trying to convince my kids to eat what’s on their plates, and I almost always end up sitting down to eat my cold dinner after everyone else is finished. I’m looking forward to making dinner a more pleasant experience for everyone and a tradition that my kids will want to continue with their own families.
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