Recently a friend of mine, Bonny, was telling me about her family’s disregard for her carefully-constructed grocery budget, which she tries to keep to under $50 a week. (Yes, really.)
With five kids in the house, including teens, and a full-time job, Bonny tried to delegate the task of grocery shopping and cooking a few times, but with disappointing results: her husband wouldn’t get the right items to make the meals she’d so carefully planned, or he’d blow the budget by a long shot. As for the kids? Well, the more food in the house, the more likely it was to go to waste.
Finally Bonny’d had enough, and once again took control of the kitchen. “I’ve decided I’m fine with being a control freak in this area,” she said as she tightened the reigns and got her meal plan back on track.
One of my rules of happier motherhood is that you can’t do everything. I’m big on delegation, whether it’s making my kids load and unload the dishwasher and walk the dogs every day, expecting everyone to jump in cheerfully on Saturday chore-fests, or hiring help when my load has gotten too heavy.
And yet, I agree with Bonny: sometimes, there are things that are so important to you that it’s worth keeping a tight reign. In my book, I call them “trigger tasks:” those things that actually make me feel happier and more functional when they’re done a certain way.
My short list of trigger tasks includes: folding laundry, grocery shopping, and cleaning the bathroom.
Why? Well, it’s not because I think women are biologically programmed to do all the grocery shopping, or that my husband is too inept to clean a bathroom correctly. It’s just that those things are important to me.
I’ve been doing the grocery shopping and majority of the cooking for many years. I’m simply better at it. I’m not great at expressing my shopping needs to my husband, and he’s not great at reading my mind. Plus, I like shopping well enough that I don’t mind doing it.
I like the way I fold towels better than my husband’s method: he folds in half and then in half again, whereas I fold in half and then in thirds. Is this of vital importance? No, but I think my towels look fluffier and stack up more neatly on the shelf. Control-freaky? Maybe, but it’s just a small thing I can take a little pleasure in.
And maybe this is weird, but I actually kind of like cleaning bathrooms. There’s something satisfying about being able to take a small space and put it to rights quickly. I like the way my bathroom cleaners smell. I get a sense of gratification from a shiny sink and mirror. I know.
Point being, I think it’s totally OK that I’m a bit…particular when it comes to certain chores, as long as I keep things in perspective and don’t allow my pickiness to cross over into craziness. Here’s a quick checklist I keep in mind to keep things positive:
- My standards are mine alone. I can’t expect my husband to understand my penchant for triple-folded towels any more than I really understand his desire for a clean, organized computer desktop. And the last thing I want to turn into is the mom who follows the kids around barking directions for how to better fluff a throw pillow. Bottom line: if I delegate a task, I have to accept that the other person is going to do it their own way.
I’m blissfully happy with my atrociously messy computer desktop, but it gives my husband The Sad.
- Just because I’m picky about something, that doesn’t make me a better (mother, homemaker, cook, worker, etc). Yes, I am particular about certain ingredients. You’re probably particular about other ones. I like a clean bathroom. Maybe you take pride in a perfectly organized office. Guess what? We’re both right! The minute I use my (rather arbitrary) standards as a way to compare myself to others, it’s turned into a negative, not a positive.
- It’s important to choose our control-freaky battles carefully. There are a whole lot of things I’d like done a certain way, but I’m not about to do it all myself or waste precious hours doing in-home quality control. I’ve learned to prioritize the things I most want done “my way”, and accept everyone else’s efforts with genuine appreciation.
- Being particular does not equal being a martyr. Having certain standards is not a good reason for never expecting my family to contribute. If I start feeling stressed, put-upon or exhausted rather than energized and satisfied because I insist on doing things “my way,” it’s time to re-evaluate and re-distribute the household work.
- Sometimes even control freaks have to let go. During particularly busy or stressful times, we sometimes have to suck it up, ask for help, and look the other way when our husband buys three different varieties of chips…but forgets the green beans. There’s optimal mode, and then there’s survival mode. Understanding the difference allows us to put control-freaky tendencies on temporary hold without giving up the idea that, one day, we will again have a fresh-smelling bathroom.
Bottom line? Sometimes, it’s OK to be a control freak. Just make sure your particular-ness is working for you, instead of against you. And be willing, sometimes, to admit that your way isn’t the only way. (Even if, deep in your heart, you believe it really is the best way.)
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Ha ha! Your desktop looks just like mine. And it gives my husband SUCH pain. 😉
Love this! I’ve been struggling with this exact issue lately… I have someone willing to do laundry for me but can’t hand over the reigns because I feel like it’s one of those tasks that must be done the way I want in order for me to feel good. Weird but true!
I used to think that taking over certain traditionally female tasks would throw off the entire balance of my marriage, and so a lot of unnecessary energy and anger got wasted in my house. I’ve finally learned there are certain things I’m better at around the house, not because I’m the woman, but because I’m just better at them. And that’s okay. I’m not going to end up in a subservient role just because I’m doing the grocery shopping. Things are happier around here if everyone does the things they are better at, and we share the horrible tasks no one wants. That’s all that matters in the end.
I am a clean desktop freak! This is particularly frustrating because he has HIS desktop computer where he is the primary user. I do not give a FLIP how he organizes it and I never change anything on it. However, I have a laptop that is MINE. I want nothing on my desktop and that little bar on the bottom of the Mac screen I like to leave it there all the time with only the top applications I use and I keep it very small. He could use my laptop for two minutes and changes that bar to large and disappearing and he puts all sorts of crap on my desktop. Sometimes e even changes my background. WTF?! It would not bother me if he did this just while he needed to use it and then put everything back as it was, but he never puts it back! Enough in that rant.
He also “needs” a lot more crap (specifically junk food) when he goes grocery shopping. And since we do most of the grocery shopping at Walmart, he brings one other random things, like clothes, shoes, tools and other stuff. He also buys random brands, even if I painstakingly right out exactly what I want. Funniest part is he does that to save on the budget!
I also manage the bills bc he has no concept!
I will give home credit where due, he is amazing at housework. He deep cleans like no one else!
You’re so right that we need to balance delegating with what we need to do by ourselves to feel okay. When my house gets to a certain point of messiness, I end up in a terrible mood. Delegation chores is my goal, but training the kids takes time, too. It’s a process.
I think the answer is not to adhere to rules or systems to the point of making ourselves unhappy.
I can testify to this from the other side of the equation- there are some things that I just don’t do “right” enough for my husband, so he’d come in and redo something I just did. Which drove us both nuts. So I stopped doing those things.
The most obvious example I can think of is research into moderate sized purchases- like a dishwasher. I’d go do a bunch of research and say “I think we should get this one!” and then he’d repeat the research. Not because he thinks I’m an idiot or incompetent, but because he’s a control freak on that sort of thing. I am not, so now I tell him the features that matter to me, let him do the research, and spend my time on other things.
Such a great post!! I’m a total control freak and motherhood is slowly pealing back all my control freak layers. There is just no way I can do it all. My hubby is always willing to share in the housework and baby care (sooo thankful!) and I’m learning (slowly) that the world will in fact go on, even if things are done a tad differently than I prefer.
I don’t think I am a control freak about much of anything.
I applaud your attitude. (As it is better than most, “My husband is a moron.” Which just so rubs me the wrong way. As a working mom, I don’t expect my spouse to have a grasp on my full-time job, and I think women lose sight of that. My own male spouse is much better domestically because that is what he does do full-time).
BUT, I also think you could be missing an opportunity to involve your spouse and children and teach them. So, if you end up in an accident or something, you aren’t stressed out about how no one else can do the groceries within your financial confines. & hopefully you will want to pass on the same skills to your children. (I share with the experience of spouse being off his feet for 2 months with a sudden/brief medical condition).
I also think there is room for more middle ground, most times. My spouse is not allowed to touch MY laundry (particularly my more delicate work clothes), but I really don’t give a flip what he does with the rest of the laundry. 😀
Definitely worth thinking about, Alexandria! I think that it depends on the overall tone and expectations. My kids and husband do an lot of work around the house, and they know how to do my preferred tasks…just not quite the way I do them! When I’m sick, working a lot, or traveling, they can jump in and take over, but when life gets back to normal I prefer to take over those certain chores again. I think it’s a matter of being able to let go when I need to, and not getting anxious/impatient because I can’t get back to doing things “my way” just yet.
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