In response to my post about how I’m working through my reluctance to leave my kids behind and how I’ve decided to go on a kid-free trip anyway, I got a few great comments that I wanted to bring to light.
First, Maman A Droit said:
“I totally relate to feeling a little lost without anyone to parent. I haven’t ever left my 8 month old son for more than an hour. I just don’t enjoy myself when I’m not with him, and as I am not working in any capacity, there’s not really any reason I need to get away.”
Amber said:
“I feel a strong drive to be with my children. On the whole, I don’t sweat it too much, because I know this time is really really short. They won’t want anything to do with me soon enough.”
and Shana said:
“I feel like our culture so often lends support to moms who make the choice to work, or make the choice to put themselves first. Not that “me time” isn’t important, I’m just finding it harder than I ever expected. And I was a pretty big career girl before kids. Now, I’m often regarded as old-fashioned, or worse…an un-hip mother. “
Ladies, I am so glad you made these points, because after I published my post I had this nagging feeling that I had left out a very important point:
There is nothing neurotic, weird, or backward about wanting to be with your kids and preferring not to be separated.
Are there exceptions to this rule? Okay, yes. I suppose if your child is in high school and you can’t bear the thought of spending the evening away from him, there may be some deeper issues that need to be explored. On the other hand, I’m not you and I don’t know your kid, so who am I to judge?
We get a lot of conflicting messages about mother-child separation in this society. One cultural message we hear strongly is that we should be with our kids as much as possible, 24/7, and the cultural message that at-home motherhood is ‘better’ is still strong.
But at the same time, we’re told in no small number of ways that we should regularly find ways to leave our kids with somebody else so we can get away from them, starting as young as possible, or else we run the risk of becoming bored, stifled, boring, stifling, you get the picture.
It starts with the pressure to schedule-on “date nights” within days of having a baby. (Honestly, between securing a sitter, pumping and all the rest, I never found leaving a tiny baby so I could go out all that fun. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that there’s anything wrong with taking a date night, but why has it become another “requirement” of contemporary parenting?) Then it’s mom’s nights out and no-kids-allowed (not even babies in slings) weddings. The veritable cornucopia of blog conferences now available year-round gives us all even more opportunity (and yes, pressure) to get away. And sometimes, Mom would rather not.
This does not mean, necessarily, that she’s got to “cut the apron ties” or that she has no life outside of her children. It doesn’t mean she would necessarily be happier if she’d just go already. It doesn’t mean that she’s an un-interesting person or saddling herself with obligations out of guilt or fear of judgment. Sometimes, moms just…would rather not leave their kids behind, no matter how fun the event at hand. And you know what? There’s nothing wrong with that. I feel that way myself from time to time and have missed many fun events because the payoff just didn’t seem worth the sacrifice.
So I just want to make it clear that my kid-free trip is MY choice, but that doesn’t mean I think it’s a choice any other mom should necessarily make. Heck, it took me five kids to get to this point, and frankly, had the circumstances played out even a bit differently, I’d probably be skipping this trip, too. And you know, I’d be OK with that. I’ve missed out on some things because of my kids, but as Amber very wisely pointed out, it all goes by in a blip.
And to be perfectly honest, I still feel conflicted. Do I think I’m making the right choice going to New York? I’m not even sure there is a right choice. There’s only what feels right to us, deep down, in any given circumstance. For me, the ideal would be taking the baby and the husband along. But that can’t happen, and the second-best choice, for me, in this circumstance is going without her.
That said, I totally get the desire not to leave kids behind, and I think that’s something you need to recognize and grapple with and not shove aside just so you can go with the crowd. As with any other parenting decision, just make sure that you’re following your heart, not doing what your best friend, sister, aunt, mother, or favorite parenting guru would have you do. Because if you allow yourself to be swayed by what other people think is right, you won’t really be doing the right thing for yourself or your kids.
It’s not unnatural to want to be around your kids. It’s also not unnatural to want or need a break. There’s just you, your child and your conscience to help you figure out what’s the best thing to do this time around.
And don’t forget, you are free to change your mind next time. I can guarantee, whether it’s a party, wedding, dinner out, or one of the many conferences now available, there will always be another opportunity to choose.
You’re preaching to the choir (well, me.) Although, I do think I owe my therapist some time talking about why I get panicky when it’s time to leave my kids. I have learned to take baby steps with it and know my limits. I am still nursing & co-sleeping with Ivy and want to continue that relationship, so I did say no to a recent trip to NYC that would have me away far too long. But I did leave her for over 12 hours to have a day in Chicago by myself. That went great.
I do admit I feel like the odd one out because I don’t want to be apart from them, and often I feel like I am put in the position to make an excuse about it. Maybe I’ll always feel that way- we’ll see. Baby steps.
Steph
Steph, for me it’s compounded by one of two things: an airplane (I hate flying no matter what so the idea of getting on a plane without my kids makes me feel superstitious and, well, freaked out) and the breastfeeding thing. Even if it’s an older baby/toddler who doesn’t need to nurse for nutrition, nursing feels like an invisible cord that keeps me from going too far away without feeling some discomfort. Either way I think those feelings are normal and biologically necessary in some ways. We are still animals, and we do still feel the instinctive urge to protect our young. Right? It’s just that we live in a world where you can be (and often are called to be) hundreds of miles away in an hour. It’s asking a lot for human nature to catch up with the world technology has created.
So sure, maybe it’s something you could stand to work on (especially if you aren’t happy with that panicky feeling) but the nice thing is, it’s somewhat self-limiting. Your baby won’t be a baby forever. And we all have things we could stand to work on. In the long run, I don’t think this one is too major. 🙂
It’s true, and I think it’s caused me to really appreciate my choices-it’s made me far more selective (and I’m not even talking about work or blogging things- I’m referencing all things), and I take time to weigh the pros & cons of something that would take me away from the kids… and so far have been confident and happy with the decisions I’ve made. To me that’s most important. 🙂
Steph
Thank you for this. 🙂
I understand the conflict, and I agree there is no right answer. As long as we’re trying our best I really think everyone’s going to be OK. Us, our kids and our partners. Whether we take a weekend away or not.
I will say that after reading your post yesterday I finally signed up to take a yoga class. I’ve been meaning to do this forever, but haven’t gotten around to it. In 5 years. Since the mom and baby class I took when my daughter was an infant. If you can take a weekend, I can certainly take one hour a week!
I think the point, like anything with parenting, is that it’s all individual and there are no right or wrong answers. Moms need to do what’s right for them at any given moment and should feel empowered either way. Sometimes we don’t right? Sometimes we feel judged on either side of the equation, and that’s rotten. We don’t live each other’s lives, but we can support one another and help each other find ways to do the things we want to and live our lives with our children how it feels most comfortable. Thanks for this post, as always very insightful Meagan.
I went to BlogHer 05 huge and pregnant, then attended subsequent BlogHers with a child in tow. Last year was my first Kid Free BlogHer and truthfully, it was the best one. I was able to focus on relaxing and meeting people. I was not stressed about a baby back in the childcare room or hotel room, worrying whether he or she was crying and missing me.
Still. When I went to BlogHer last year sans progeny, I felt as if I had forgotten something and I did miss them terribly.
I feel so special- I made your post! 🙂
After I read your last post, I left Baby with hubby and went to the grocery store. Still less than an hour of away time, but I figured it is good to make sure I at least keep taking short trips away from Baby, then I guess eventually work our way up to the point that kindergarten won’t be super traumatic, lol. And actually, I want to have another baby before Baby is 3, and I’ll have to be away from him in the hospital :(. So I better start “escaping” for longer periods of time!
I went away for a weekend for the first time since having children when my daughter was 2 and I was 4 months pregnant with baby #2. Driving down the highway, by myself, in the dark, to a retreat center on an island I’d never been to – well, I was a bit emotional! It’s hard to leave little kids when you’re both not used to it, but she was totally fine the whole weekend and so was I. I’m glad I took the trip when I did, because now I’m at home with two and quite happy to choose being with my kids instead of spending time away. There’s a season for everything, and right now the season is one of being close.
Thank you so much for this… People can be so strange! Our family pet died not long ago and my daughter (6 years old!) was having a hard time going to school, during the process… SO, I get notes/phone calls from the principal, the teacher, AND my little one is sent to talk to “Mr. Feelings”. (the counselor) I go to the school and her principal sits there looking at me like I am an alien, and says “She says she just misses you and wants to be at home!”. Then looks at me like I am some weirdo that has brainwashed my child into loving me and wanting to be with me during a really hard time in her little life. This is our first pet loss with her, and her first kitty… HELLO THERE! Of course she is sad and upset. This society makes me ill because they seem to try to make people feel “strange” to show any kinds of feeling. As I told her principal, my 18 year old NEVER stayed with any friends or anything until she was 12 because she said she liked it at home… WOW! Imagine that… Anyhow, I have always stayed at home with my girls as much as possible and my 6 year old has only been to school without me and to her grandmothers to overnight 1 time so far. I see nothing strange about it. Her father and I are “normal” and this is just us… I am sure that she is getting older and will want to go on visits or what ever, but anyhow this blog made me feel less like the “freak” society tries to make you out to be because you love your children and love spending time with them! How bizarre! 🙂
I just want to emphasize the transient nature of some of these feelings- I’m actually going to NYC with Meagan,and like meagan, am terrified of flying (hello 6:00am pinot!) and am leaving 4 kids (3 teens) of my own. Let me say that I’m chomping at the bit to get out of town. I’ve found that as my kids grow up, this becomes less of a big deal for me- not because they need parental supervision any less, god knows they need it MORE- but because everybody seems to welcome the “elbow room” that my now almost- grown up-kids (19, 16, and 13) are longing for. (the 5 year old will stay with his dad.)I’ll come home, the house will be full of pizza boxes, 2-litre empties, and dirty dishes. And that’s alright. We’ll all have spent a few days enjoying ourselves. Everything has its season- you may feel ambivalent now, but the day will come when the people you’ve raised will be as happy to have you gone as you are to leave!