As much as I identify with this feel-good parenting philosophy, I can't allow it to be my whole mothering identity.
By the time my oldest son Jacob was a couple months old, I was pretty burned out on reading. I’d devoured at least two-dozen pregnancy and childbirth-related books during my last two trimesters, and then lived inside my Nursing Mother’s Companion as we worked through some early breastfeeding issues.
But after we got breastfeeding down, I was ready to quit reading about motherhood and just enjoy being a mom for a while. So while I had become a walking encyclopedia on pregnancy and childbirth, when it came to parenting I’d never got past the instructions on how to bathe a baby and buckle him into his car seat. I had never heard of attachment parenting as a philosophy, had yet to be introduced to Ferber, and hadn’t a clue that there were dozens of sleep-training methods out there. When it came to soothing, holding, and caring for Jacob, I was winging it…and mostly loving it.
I remember visiting my mother around that time, and going to retrieve Jacob from her bedroom when he awoke, fussing, from a nap. “You know, it’s okay to let that baby cry a little,” my mom advised. “He might go back to sleep if you do.” I paused for a moment, listening to his sounds grow from a bit of gurgle-y fussing to a more urgent cry to a wail. Listening to him wail did not feel good. And based on my (admittedly limited) experience mothering this particular child, I didn’t think there was any chance he’d put himself back to sleep. Plus, I would just rather go and get him. So without another thought, I shrugged off my mom’s advice (which she wisely did not repeat) and went to my baby. Picking him up when he cried–along with rocking him to sleep and putting him in my bed at night–just felt right, so I kept doing it, without giving it too much thought or analysis.
Six months later or so, how things had changed! Specifically: I’d gotten online. Home with Jacob all day and rather bored, I’d spent hours and hours on the ParentsPlace and StorkNet forums, the predecessors of mom blogs. I’d learned that the style of parenting I had so far gravitated toward had a name: attachment parenting. (I liked the sound of that. It sounded lots better than “detachment parenting,” for example.) And because I liked feeling like I was doing the right thing, and liked having a community of other moms to tell me I was doing the right thing, I went for it full gusto, giving myself a little pat on the back every time I accomplished one more thing on the “AP laundry list.”
Around this time, Jacob developed a habit of sitting straight up in his sleep at night without warning, and then toppling over backward and sideways. And every time he did it, his hard little head slammed into my nose with a crunch. Every other night or so I woke up shrieking and seeing stars, sure that my nose was broken. I had trouble sleeping because I was never sure when Jacob’s head might strike.
He was no longer getting up to eat at night, and went to sleep pretty easily in the evenings without needing a lot of rocking or holding. Though I’d never mastered the art of lowering a sleeping baby into a crib without waking him up, it occurred to me at one point that if I just laid him in the crib (which had been used as a giant laundry basket for months) when he was sleepy, he’d probably fall asleep without much fussing and sleep all the way through the night, sparing my nose in the meantime.
But…
then I wouldn’t really be attachment parenting, I told myself.
I’d be letting my baby cry. (And though I personally didn’t feel that a few minutes of whimpering really qualified as “cry it out,” I sure knew what my online buddies would have to say about it.)
I wouldn’t be co-sleeping. One of the very tenets of attachment parenting.
I’d be an impostor. A wanna-be. A detachment parent.
So I never moved Jacob out of our bed, or even tried it, until he was old enough to climb up on his own into a big-boy bed and fall asleep there…some years later. And while I don’t regret that, necessarily, I do regret my motivation for making that second decision.
In the first scenario, I made the choice to pick Jacob up, not let him cry, and sleep with him because it felt right, even in the face of opposition.
In the second scenario, I avoided trying something that my own gut told me was a good idea, because I was afraid of what other people would think and worried that it didn’t match up with a label I’d assigned myself.
Over the next year and a half, I made many decisions with that label in mind. “What would the other AP moms think?” “Is this really attachment parenting?” I’d ask myself before I…well, before I did pretty much anything, from taking a much-needed part-time job, to buying a certain baby toy, to playing the “stinky feet game” with my toddler (once, a particularly influential AP mom in my online world had suggested such games would cause my child to feel shame about his body for the rest of his life.)
The irony? A style of parenting that is supposed to put us in touch with our parenting instincts was actually getting between me and what I deep down knew to be right. Instead of the AP philosophy serving my children and me, I was serving a label: feeling obligated to sign on for everything that seemed to fit, even when its link to actual attachment parenting was questionable (Dr. Sears, the father of Attachment Parenting, did not, to my knowledge, have a position on the stinky feet game.) But the label had been co-opted to mean “crunchy” and in many cases the label became a contest to see which mother could be the crunchiest.
Finally, when my second son was a toddler, I had an epiphany:
Parenting is not a competitive sport. And this label is not helping me be the mother I want to be.
So I dropped it. And I’ve never looked back. I have not called myself an Attachment Parent for many years.
Don’t get offended and hit the “unsubscribe” button just yet. I still think attachment parenting is fantastic, when used as a VERB. A verb is active. It doesn’t judge. It doesn’t limit. It allows you to make your own choices–you can practice attachment parenting while also doing other things that don’t necessarily fit under the label, just like you can walk and chew gum at the same time. Or walk sometimes and run other times.
But using a parenting philosophy as an adjective or noun to describe us as people is far more limiting and potentially dangerous. We can start to judge ourselves based on how well we live up to the label, instead of really listening to what we feel is right in any given situation. We start to think the label should shape all our future actions, and use it as a way to condemn our past ones. We can use it as a way to exclude, in the name of belonging and inclusion. Other people often misunderstand us based on past experiences with others who’ve used (possibly misused) the label.
I still breastfeed, on demand and extensively. I still sleep with my babies. In many, many ways, I practice attachment parenting. But no, I am not an “attachment parent”, any more than a mom who uses Ferber is a “Ferberizer” or a mom who values achievement is a “Tiger Mother.”
I’m just me: a person, a woman, a mother, making the best decisions I can from day to day. Parenting books, methods, philosophies and techniques can serve as tools to help me be the best, most effective parent I can be, but I don’t owe them anything.
At the end of the day? The only people I have to answer to are myself and my family. And recognizing that makes me a better, more confident, and way happier mom.
This week, we’re talking about trusting your gut. Have you ever found that a parenting label got between you and listening to what your instincts were telling you?
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{ 61 comments… read them below or add one }
I hear you on not wanting to read anymore after actually having the baby. I’d rather spend time with her then read about what to do with her. I like reading things written from an AP perspective because it can give me ideas if I’m stumped on something, but most often it just confirms what I’ve been doing on intinct.
First – “the predecessors of mom blogs” – funny
And oh, “the sleeping with the future Olympic champion boxer” sleep disorder – I have heard about that. We recorded my cat once overnight to make sure he wasn’t waking me – turns out he was more gentle than your baby
Thank you for this – it all just made me smile – (it gives me the insight of a parent – without having to do all the work
– kind of like being a grandparent – or the “fun” uncle – that’s my role.
God Bless you and all of yours
This is a great post, so well put. I wrote a much more abbreviated post along these lines a few days ago but it’s great to see the point made in more detail.
If you’re interested, here’s the link: http://junction-parents.blogspot.com/2011/02/kicking-dr-sears-out-of-my-head-or-how.html
i totally agree. it is nice to have all these methods on your back pocket. life with kids is ever changing, so why can’t the way we deal with it change accordingly. no sense in putting yourself in an AP box if it doesn’t feel right. i use a little from all of them. i don’t care what anyone thinks, as long as my little guy is healthy and happy.
I practice instinctual parenting. The philosophy of ttachment parenting fits into the way I parent my son, not the other way around. I think part of our problem(s) as parents us that we rely too heavily on books & “experts” to raise our kids. Yes, I have books & if I’m curious or in need of extra ideas, I’ll consult them. I pick & choose what we need instead of buying into how someone else thinks I should raise my child.
I’m a philosophical sampler, myself. A little bit of this, a little bit of that. I think that there’s a great deal of maternal insecurity out there (which I sympathize with) and ascribing fully to a philosophy assuages fears of inadequacy. We want to be able to look something up in a book and follow what it says and then — get the result. The problem is that no one’s the same and no one philosophy can possibly anticipate your individual situation. Take what works for you and ignore the rest. It’s a lot less stressful and, as you’ve pointed out, probably a lot more effective.
I love your description of yourself as a “philosophical sampler”. I often say that I don’t fit with any one group. I’m too Ezzo-like for AP parents, too AP-like for Ezzo parents, too crunchy for half my friends and not crunchy at all to the rest. I take what makes sense and works for us from a variety of philosophies…so I guess I’m a philosophical sampler too!
I’m with Mandi. I “babywised” my first, who took to it like a duck to water. Baby #2 was polar opposite, and spent more time in a sling and in my bed than anywhere else. Baby #3 is totally different, with different needs. There’s no need to hang on to any one philosophy if it’s not working for a particular child, either.
I love this and this article came at just the right time in my life. I have been struggling with the whole “labeling” scenario recently. You question whether you are doing things “right” or “wrong” if you don’t follow the parenting “method” you chose to the letter. So I loved when you said that “Parenting books, methods, philosophies and techniques can serve as tools to help me be the best, most effective parent I can be, but I don’t owe them anything.” This is EXACTLY how I feel! I find it difficult to be in mama groups sometimes because instead of following just one exact way of raising my child, I follow what works for us. I try to follow my child’s lead and I have learned a lot from following our instincts as a family (baby included!)
How I LOVE this post. Labels. I’ve always rebelled against them. Attachment Parenting, for me, was too much of a label, and definitely felt like I would be judged by other APers on my performance. For me and my family, trusting my gut meant NOT co-sleeping. I do not believe this has caused any disconnect between my children and I. I believe this has caused GOOD, SOUND SLEEP, for my children and I. I wholeheartedly agree with you that …”the only people I have to answer to are myself and my family”. Motherhood is as Motherhood does!
This is so logical and so reassuring, Meagan, and yet it can’t be said often enough. Thank you for a beautiful post.
The relationship between “by the book” parenting and “instinctual” parenting (hmm, notice the labeling already! ack!) is one that has nuance. I don’t think they are mutually exclusive. I have gained so much from reading different books, blogs, philosophies, and ideas about parenting; it would be a shame if we stopped reading, researching and writing about how to be the best parents we can be for our kids. And, obviously, letting one book or expert hold dominion over our own gut feelings has the effect you describe so well in your post, and that’s not right either. Somewhere in between is the place where we are educated and purposeful in our parenting choices, but guided first and always by our love and commitment to our children.
I love this post in SO many ways I can’t begin to describe it! THANK YOU!!
I basically was AP parent but never added the co-sleeping. I “wore” my kids everywhere, breastfed both for at least 24 months each, answered their cries at night, rocked them to sleep, no crying it out, etc but got SO much grief about not co-sleeping. But, this mutt-combination of parenting beliefs just worked for us as a family for a variety of reasons and isn’t THAT what’s important?
The day I realized that what worked for us was WAY more important than being included in a group label was SUCH an epiphany for me and I’ve been more confident and applying it to issues throughout our family life. I’ve stood up for several issues since that Mike and I have taken a lot of grief for but I’m OK with it now…and it all started with the AP label struggle!
Meagan – you ROCK!
Great article! You know, i don’t think that it should be an all or nothing situation! People should be able to use the term attachment parenting simply based on their philosophy to be attached and responsive to their babies. No one within the AP community should have the right to specifically define what the “requirements” are for inclusion. It would be like throwing people out of the natural birth community because of the circumstances of their birth without regard for their ideology and preference. Kids shape parents. We can go in with all the ideology in the world but our kids will have behaviors, idiosyncrasies, & unique needs which will (and must!) dictate the specifics of how we parent them. AP parents should be more sensitive to those who are responding sensitively to their children and following their cues. Thanks for the great articulation of this long standing frustration of mine as well!
Very well said! I, too, did so much reading early on. It got to the point that I didn’t know what I felt was best. All I knew was what the books said. I fell towards the attachment end of the spectrum and made choices accordingly. But at some point, I finally shut the book, stopped regurgitating what I’d read and just started doing what I thought was best for our family.
We are confronted with so much change when a baby comes along because we are so far removed from babies until we have our own. While I do value those resources for the examples and advice they gave me, I’m happy that I got to the point where I could also listen to my own voice and desires…as well as my baby’s. It can be a tough balancing act for a new parent, but, ah, the freedom that comes from introspection. Of course this is something I have to continually remind myself of because with every new phase, I have a tendency to delve back into books. Again, they are great resources, but I must remember to be discerning.
It’s sad to see something that I believe in (something that for me, too, came naturally before I knew it had a name) co-opted into something that makes parents feel less worthy or judged. I’m pretty sure Dr. Sears never said, “That baby has to be in your bed with you and your spouse every night or he’s going to grow up to be a criminal!” Instead, I think I heard “do what’s right for your family, emphasizing a close relationship between you and your kid(s).” IMHO, it’s attachment parenting if you are connected to your kid enough to know when they need you and be there for them then – regardless of the time of day or place.
Love this. I try to parent by instinct and not labels too. However, when I do look for advice, I turn first to Dr. Sears or others that promote the AP lifestyle…just seems to fit in better with my philosophies.
I really appreciate this post! Following your instinct leads to active parenting which is exactly how I want to parent. While I do a lot of what AP talks about, putting my instinct first – above the label – takes the outside pressure off me and allows me to parent *in the moment.* Every situation, every baby, every parent is different… and not being tied to any one way of acting – in other words, being flexible – allows intuitive responses to those situations that work far better than anything mandated “just because.”
This was a timely post, as my husband and I are gradually testing the waters at moving our daughter from our bed to her crib…. we know when it feels RIGHT, it will happen. Thanks for the encouragement to follow our instincts and our hearts.
Right on, once again, Meagan! How do you do it time and time again?
It’s funny how Dr. Sears can be so much more flexible than than some of the people who practice attachment parenting. I found much of the philosophy to fit in with what felt right to me as a parent. But cloth diapering? How is that helping the relationship between me and my son? But you would sometimes swear it was a tenet.
I love this post! I can really identify with your thoughts about hesitating before doing something. I know that nagging “What will they think?!” “What will they say?!” even if “they” are people I have never met in real life!
I think we all (no matter if we know it or not) look to label ourselves and others, just for clerical purposes in our brains. And so I am definitely a Mom with AP tendencies. If you are going to be general, and I get to pick a group of parents to hang out with, I will be more comfortable with those that also consider themselves AP. It’s nice to be around people that won’t judge you for the biggies (breastfeeding your 2 yr old, cosleeping, etc.)
But, I have found quite recently that the moms that fall in the middle or no category at all, the ones that don’t really give a sh*t what you do are the best ones to be around. They’re the most open minded & I’m finding I’m more like that (and probably because I’m also lazy. And tired.)
Forget the books- or devour them all you need, just keep what works for your gut and spit out the sticks. Same with the people you hang out with.
I feel like this is the dumbest comment. I don’t know how to get my point across other than- hey! I agree with you!
Steph
not the dumbest comment! i totally hear you–especially as someone who follow most of the tenents but never felt comfortable with the AP–or any–label. they all fit a size-to-small and create division as much as they bring people together.
I love this post! Yes, parenting philosophies should exist only to intrigue and inspire. They should make parenting easier, not more limiting and binding! I think one of the most important qualities we can model for our children is open-mindedness, and I hope my 3 children will continue to be curious truth-seekers. My wish is for us all to give ourselves a break…and permission to enjoy this brief life.
Oh Meagan this is a fantastic post! While reading, I was nodding the whole time. I think I lived the same first year as you did with your first child.
I found myself in the AP way…but only after I was doing many of the so called AP things….unbeknownst to me. You articlulate all of this so well and this is so true, we are so much better at listening to our mothering instincts without these labels.
And? Every child is different and thus requires different responses from us. One child may fuss and self soothe much better and the other? May wail and need our comforting much sooner. Parenting is a process, children evolve…we need to unbind ourselves and roll with the punches so to speak. Sorry about your nose!
Yes! I’ve both shrugged off the AP label as well as the natural birth label. It didn’t serve me and seemed too much like we were setting up opposing camps.
I wrote a post about it. http://bit.ly/cV8L9K
Wow…just stumbled upon your post as a retweet, and I can’t agree with it more. I went through the same thing with my daughter, who’s now 5. Before I had even heard of Attachment Parenting, I vowed to never let her cry it out, tried co-sleeping until she was almost one, wore her in a sling. But when I discovered that I had a lot in common in Attachment Parenting, I did a very unwise thing: I started reading AP websites and Dr. Sears’ books.
Ugh. Very unwise. Then I felt that I had to do every aspect of Attachment Parenting or I was a bad mother. Work? Out of the question. Turn attention away from my child to care for my own needs? Nice try.
Once I discovered that maternal instincts are the ones best followed, I quit worrying about what the perfect AP mothers would think about my parenting style and just got on to parenting. Naturally. And it was the best feeling in the world!
Again, great post!
Dana
Yes and yes!!! So often, we strive to find the box that our mothering skills and talents fit into the best. And we are all here reading and writing because at some level we reflect an AP style. But, we would be kidding ourselves to think we all are perfect attachment style parents. We each give it flare and make it our own. It would be great to run a post and ask everyone to title their style of parenting. Mine would be ‘happily utilitarian attachment-style with hints of frazzled, tired, and clueless a third of the time’.
Fabulous post, Meagan! I’ll refer back to if often, particularly when I need a reminder that I’m not a failure as a parent. When I was pregnant with my oldest (now 4), a friend handed me “Secrets of the Baby Whisperer” along with a ringing endorsement of why this book would save my life as a breastfeeding mom. And I interpreted (or misinterpreted) one recommendation in the book as: “You and your child do not need to be joined at the nipple. Nursing every four hours should suffice.” It sounded like sane advice, particularly since my pediatrician and many friends and family members echoed it.
What a huge mistake! If I had listened to my gut, we’d have had a much happier baby on our hands as opposed to one who cried for hours on end because SHE WAS EITHER HUNGRY OR NEEDED THE COMFORT OF NURSING! (The doctor diagnosed her as “colicky.”)
The good news is I didn’t starve her–she was off the charts on weight the entire time. But I wish I had changed course sooner and gone with my gut instead of relying on the “expert opinions” of people who seemed to know more than I.
At least Baby #2 gets to eat when she wants!
Great post! I have struggled a lot with labels, even though theoretically they shouldn’t matter to me. : ) Reading this post and the comments from so many other moms is encouraging.
Very timely post – thank you! I find myself as someone that does some AP things and some very non AP things. Since everywhere I go moms want to know which camp I belong to, I fit in almost no where. Makes it very hard to make aquaintenances and build friendships. Why can’t we all just be moms who parent as they choose? Sure would make it easier instead of being judged by one group because I breastfed my 25 month old while pregnant and judged by another group because I have to have a scheduled c-section and then judged by yet another group because I dare to put my child in a crib – never mind that each of these decisions has been in the best interest of my children. Thank you so much for an excellent post! I needed the boost today.
Great post. Labels, especially in regards to parenting, get us into trouble. Most of all, I like what you said about not making decisions based on what other people might think of your parenting skill. I never realized how susceptible to that I could be as a parent. Love your blog!
I loved this post! I’ve also been somewhat of an attachment parent- but when I DID master the art of putting a sleeping boy into his crib, my life got a lot better, because I am a better mother and wife when I actually get sleep
I agree 1000% and that’s why I’ve never been on board with the AP title. I follow much of that philosophy (again, without having read a thing about it, and only discovering LATER that that’s what we were doing.) But in many ways, the stringent guidelines of what it means to be an AP parent often went against my mothering instincts, and started to make me feel like I couldn’t listen to my sons or myself – I HAD to do what AP Mom Blogger X said was right. And ultimately, that seemed like the exact opposite of Attachment Parenting. It’s supposed to be about listening to your baby and yourself – NOT about listening to strangers who don’t know you, your kid, or your situation.
So yeah, this is exactly why I don’t put the title “AP Parent” all over my writing. I don’t like labels so much either.
I like to call myself an attached parent. Not a noun so much as an adjective. Right now my youngest of 4 children is 5.5 months old and she is ATTACHED to me. Quite literally. But I hear what you’re saying. I have felt like, well I should carry the baby all over the kitchen and wear her while I cook and clean and whatnot. The fact is she weighs 21 pounds. That isn’t only not possible, it’s downright stupid. There are pressures from every angle. Sometimes I just have to walk away and look at my kids and say “OK these are my kids. I made em. I gotta take care of em.” As I say in my blog… sometimes I’m just a survival parent. I’ll give a kid a rice krispie treat for breakfast. Don’t test me.
I agree. I practiced almost everything (although, never 100% with everything, I mean they did fuss at times, I used a stroller too, had a natural birth in a hospital..the upper standards are so high) but I never liked the title. I just felt uncomfortable labeling myself at all. I thought it sounded cult-like. And you know some people love to use it just to use it. Ultimately I think it does all those practices harm b/c people here the label and feel intimidated and so just make fun of ap stuff.
There is definitely some guilt-inducing in the AP philosophy that I think we can incorporate even when we think we are not.
meagan! i retweeted this but haven’t had the chance to comment until now. i am so glad you wrote this post. i think the very unique and odd atmosphere of message boards is even more like a pressure cooker than the blog world. i decided before clark was born to cloth diaper him, so i ended up on cloth diapering message boards filled to the brim with moms who signed each post with their AP credentials. being part of that board made me STRESSED OUT. i felt like someone was watching me all the time over my shoulder, grading me on how natural and earth mother-y and attached i was. now i am more like steph said, the mom who doesn’t give a shit how other people do it, as long as they love their kids and care. even though in many ways i am way “crunchier” now than i was back then. now i would be like, “happy homebirthing, extended breastfeeding co-sleeping mom of three!” or whatever. except now i am actually just, “erin mom of some kids.” also, steph said shit! ha!
You have perfectly summed up my love/hate relationship with attachment parenting & Dr. Sears. I often run into parents (mostly Moms) who are miserable, who wear their babies all the time even though their backs hurt, who are co-sleeping even though they don’t want to, etc. Where attachment parenting has become overly-self-sacrificing-parenting. Don’t get me wrong – the basic concept of attachment parenting is great. But there have to be boundaries for everybody.
I feel the same way. I have definitely defined myself as an attachment parent, but then I meet people who are REALLY attachment parents and worry that I’m doing it wrong.
Or I see someone who’s not practicing attachment parenting and start getting judgy–not the person I want to be.
I think for the most part we’re all doing the best we can at any given moment, and it’s important to give others and ourselves some slack.
And, my son does the exact same thing in the middle of the night. That doesn’t wake up my husband, but my shouting an expletive usually does.
Very honest and generous, thank you.
Is there any other way than to be compassionate? A cry is a cry no matter how long, loud or how old the crier is. If AP is about not allowing an CC or CIO to happen, then why isn’t it called CP? (Compassionate Parenting?)
Im not a mum, but i am an aunty! And i think all this advice is encouraging not only for mothering, but for life in general. How often do we live life according to the labels we have created for ourselves, and stop living from our instincts and for fun?! By the way, cant wait to be a mum one day
I’m just playing catch-up with my feed reader.
My firstborn slept better in her crib in her own room. Before she was born, I’d read up on attachment parenting and I’d resolved to not let my baby cry. I had also planned to co-sleep. And we did. We tried it. But for whatever reason, when she was in the room with us she was up every 90 minutes, and when she was in her own room she would sleep for a solid 6-hour stretch to start the night. I didn’t leave her to cry, and I went to get her as soon as she woke up.
Still, I felt like I must be doing something wrong, putting my baby to sleep down the hall and cuddling a baby monitor. All of my friends co-slept, in real life and online. Co-sleeping was meant to be best for every baby. But for my daughter (and my ability to function), not so much.
I now have another child, who pretty much solidly refused to sleep unless he was in direct contact with me for the first 2 years of his life. I now know that no one approach works for every child in every situation. And I’m far more willing to go with my gut without the guilt.
I really enjoyed this post. I often say that there is no more judgmental group than mothers, particularly toward one another. I have always drifted more toward a schedule, used CIO with both of our kids but love things from each of the parenting “models”. People label because it’s simpler and makes it easy to quickly form an opinion about someone or something but few of us fall so neatly into one box.
This article reminds me of the advice a Child Health Nurse gave me when my son was about 10 weeks old. She said “it’s time to put the parenting books away, and just watch you child, and go with your instincts”. I’ve heard a lot of people get bad advice from CHNs, but this was spot on. Thanks for sharing your experience.
I love the stinky feet game – I wonder if we play the same one?
I did what I was told with my firstborn, I got the buggy, I got the moses basket, I mixed feeds when I was advised to, I weaned when I was told I should in the way that was advised. but he came into my bed a lot when he was feeding, and he stayed there often, and we did cloth diapers till I went back to work, which was unusual but not too ‘odd’. we did cry it out when we couldn’t cope with rocking to sleep any longer and I hated it – but it was what everyone did right?
by the time I had my second I had the confidence to do what I thought was best. I homebirthed because I’d had an easy labour before and didn’t want the hassle of finding the hospital near our new home during labour, no ideology, just stress reduction. I wanted to keep my baby close, so I held him, lots. I was determined to make bf work out better this time, so I fed every time I thought he wanted, no ‘spacing’ feeds. I didn’t put him in the stroller until he seemed happier to be there. he slept in our bed, he still sleeps some of the night in our bed. we are doing baby-led-weaning because it made sense to us and includes him in our family mealtimes. but I go on the blw forums, and theres a strong AP and environmentalist vibe, not to mention a large family vibe. I almost felt guilty for a while because we didn’t go back to cloth diapering, my washing machine sees enough action thank you, and its less stress to use disposable. I’m not ready to give up my cleaning products, my babywipes or my toiletries, and I just don’t have the patience or organisational ability for homeschooling.
I love my kids, I hug and kiss them ridiculously often and tell them I love them every day. I am attached to them, and they know they have parents who love them and will always be there for them. thats enough for me.
I’m just a “parent”. I birthed my kids, I feed them, they have warm beds at night, they’re healthy. They have a loving home to grow up in and parents who take the time to teach them. The rest is (UNNECESSARY) details.
Amen to that! Well said
I could hug you for this post. I have always gravitated toward the more “traditional” methods of parenting, but I hate the labels. And I hate the idea that once we accept a label we feel pressured to stick with it. I’ve been a mom now for more than eight years and my parenting style has changed so much over the years. I’m over the labels. I’m a mom. A mom who loves her kids and is doing her best. Like 99% of the other moms out there.
I never realized there really were labels out there. With my daughter, I looked online once in a while for some techniques. But even still, with flack for letting her sleep with us, people telling me how to change it… I just did my own. My daughter is 3, still sleeps in bed with us when she wants, and I have a 9 months old son, who knows his crib, will sleep in it but once he wakes up, is in bed with us. I have not looked for advice with my son, and I have not had an issue. It just feels right and this time around, my gut knows what to do. For all the labels, my label is just simply Karissa and Kenneth’s mommy. However which way I do it. Its still the same.
Thanks for your post. Happy I read it.
Ohhhh how helpful this post was. I’m first time mom to an eight week old, and just recently started questioning his feeding schedule and patterns based on what other moms say their babies are doing (or what mine should be doing). Questioning my gut and trying to fit a mold has consumed my mind these past few days. This post was super helpful in pointing me to my own family and our needs and not a mold or (in)ability to please others!
I agree and parent in a very similar way.
However, I think it is a real shame that so many “attachment parents” have given the whole label such a bad rap. A very important component of AP is “ballence.” Ballencing the needs of the whole family is often overlooked in this competition to be “more AP.” (Or as you mentioned to gain the approval of an on-line community.) You can still attachment parent without having a family bed or even breastfeeding.
I saw Dr Robert Sears speak at a conference once. It was really refreshing to hear what his take on AP actually looks like.
When did parenting gain labels, anyway? I agree that we need to drop the labels and do what feels right and is smart for our children. Thanks for this post.
I can relate to what you are saying. What begins as an effort to do the right thing for your own child, turns into just another conformist effort. I think we are all so hungry for approval, once we get it from one group, we want to keep going back for more. A lot of attachment parenting practices are right for us and our family, but I know I will never be the one who, for example, will be babywearing for an hour or two every day. I look at all the tenets as if they are tools in a toolbox- things that I could use, have benefits and will work with some kids better than others. After that, I just stick to the heart of the philosophy: making choices because they promote attachment, rather than choosing based on convenience or conformity.
Just catching up on my posts! Oh how I was glad to read this one. Though to be honest, I don’t think I knew what attachment parenting was until my second son was born. But I did read a lot and I felt so conflicted between what felt right, what people were telling me and what I was reading. None of it was consistent and all of it felt odd. Even what felt right felt odd because I was so confused. We need more moms to talk like this, to be less judgmental and questioning of individual decisions. No one can understand the life of another, so in the end I think it’s about supporting that no one way is right.
Wise as always Meagan!
Thanks for the post. Sometimes I find myself doing things because I think I should with the philosophy i have chosen to accept, instead of doing what I want. I am also working on not judging those who have opinions that are different than mine-a hard one. Thanks for the insight!
You have put this so well! I found myself in the exact same position with my daughter, but over the past 16 months learned how important it is to avoid looking at parenting (or anything really) in such black and white terms. All or nothing doesn’t really help anyone, and makes mama unhappy
Thanks for the insight!
This is such a great article. Thank you so much for writing it. I too didn’t want to be judged by the parenting community online for doing something wrong and didn’t trust my gut instinct. As soon as I did, everything has worked out really well for my son and myself. Both equally important!
Different ideas work for different people. Experience is still the best lesson.
Wonderful post! I was just telling a friend that all my parenting choices in the last 2 years have been based on fear- fear of what all my ubercrunchy friends will think, of being flamed, you name it. I’ve learned that in motherhood, you’re damned if you do, and damned if you don’t. There’s always gonna be the other side of your choice to harrass you.
I wish I was as strong as you to stand up for myself, my family, and my choices.
I just read this article out loud to my husband because I think you hit on such an important point about following your gut, and not doing the crunchy things just because of what others think, but instead to do them because it’s what you believe in. I know I fall into that problem sometimes. When my baby was an infant, I stated that no photos were to be taken of her when she had the pacifier, because I didn’t want my crunchy-friends to know I gave her one. So I ended up sort of giving her one in hiding…that’s not how I want to raise my daughter, to hide things from me or others because she will be judged. Thanks for the great reminder to be proud of our decisions even if others don’t agree.
I’ve read alot of this subjet in the past 24 hours – thanks to Time. I have to say this blog post in one of the best things I’ve laid eyes on. Nice work.
Love it! The term “attachment parenting” has always bothered me because I interpret it to imply that parents who don’t follow its tenents are not attached to their kids, which is not necessarily the case.
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