Ever since I can remember, I’ve been a nurturer.
Some of my earliest memories involve cradling baby dolls and placing injured animals in shoeboxes so I could (usually unsuccessfully) nurse them back to health. I always loved babies, from the time I was a baby myself. And I always knew I would be a mother, probably starting early, hopefully having lots of kids. (Check, check, and check.)
But I also wanted to be a writer. An actress. A Solid Gold dancer. A teacher. A homemaker. A shop owner. And it never occurred to me that I might have to choose just one of these identities at a time.
They sometimes call those of us who are fertile and predisposed to nurturing “Earth Mother” types. I’m not sure that applies to me. I’m not particularly patient, and as I’ve had children of my own, my tendency to nurture the rest of the world has shrunk. (I’m not even big on pets these days.)
That said, one thing has remained the same throughout my 14+ years of motherhood: I enjoy being front and center in my kids’ lives. I enjoy welcoming family and friends into our home. I love puttering around my house and making it a nicer place to live.
But. I also have a fiercely ambitious side. I’ve always enjoyed starting new projects. I love dreaming big. And – shhh – I also love earning money.
I suppose somewhere along the way I internalized the message that I’d have to choose between those two sides of my personality. That I could not be both a kick-butt businesswoman and a nurturing mother. That I could not be both a homemaker and a bread-earner. That I would always have to downplay one of those sides of myself, playing either the role of harried, hurried, guilt-ridden working mom or ultra-hands-on, baking, crafting SAHM.
And I think I’m ready to embrace both identities. I’m tired of choosing.
It’s not about trying to “have it all”. As a grown-up, I am aware that I cannot be a writer, teacher, Solid Gold dancer, actress, shop owner and the kind of mother I want to be, all at the same time.
But I can acknowledge the two different sides of me in whatever way feels right, right now, and to accept that no mother is perfect at any one thing she does, whether she’s a full-time at-home mom or a full-time working-outside-the-home mom with a demanding job.
I don’t have to apologize for being equally drawn to baking cookies and building my blog. I don’t have to pretend that I work to escape diaper changes and dishes, or only because “I have to.” It’s perfectly OK to be fulfilled both by motherhood and by outside work.
I’m not arguing for or against working or for or against staying at home. I’ve been at home, working primarily around my kids’ schedules, for most of the past 15 years – and I have no regrets. There’s a season for everything.
But I am saying that our relationships to our children and our homes need not be defined by whether, where, when and/or how many hours we work. We don’t have to draw a line in the sand and declare ourselves one “type” of mother or another.
Especially now, when the world is changing so fast: it’s more possible than ever to start a business from home and slowly grow it when children are small. It’s more likely than ever that your spouse will take a front-and-center role raising children and caring for your home. Walls are coming down, fathers are stepping up, and more than ever women are in a position to embrace our dual roles, whatever those look like for us, with our individual circumstances, goals, and dreams.
Can we move forward with confidence and purpose – and support each other as we go? I believe we can.
All blog conferences have a slightly different atmosphere. The expansive BlogHer seems to say “Come as you are, there are so many of us you’ll definitely find some like-minded people to party with.” Blissdom is all about love and acceptance and figuring out your path to joy (which may or may not include monetizing your blog.)
But Mom 2.0 is unapologetically business-oriented. And there is something amazing about being in a room full of 500 people – most of them women, the overwhelming majority devoted mothers – in which nobody apologizes for having big dreams and big ambitions.
In Monday’s post I mentioned that I cried quite a bit at Mom 2.0. During one presentation called “Why Working Motherhood Is Awesome”, Kathryn Tucker, the founder of RedRover (a really cool app that helps you connect with other parents and activities in your area) told a story about sitting at the table with her seven-year-old daughter, LouLou, who was working on a school journaling assignment.
Kathryn had been feeling conflicted about the time and energy her business was consuming, i.e. “taking away” from her daughter. But when she asked her daughter to see what she’d been writing, LouLou held up a picture that said “My Mom launched a company.”
At this point in the presentation Kathryn choked up. “I don’t know why I’m crying!” she apologized.
But the rest of us – many of whom were crying, too (I was basically a human river by this point) – sure knew. Because we could see her obvious pride in her daughter she had raised and in the company she had built. Because we knew what it felt to believe we should be torn between the two sides of ourselves. Because we saw in her the mother and the businesswoman and realized it all came from the same nurturing spirit.
I can’t quite describe it, but there was a palpable sense of love and support in the room at that moment for Kathryn: for sharing her story, for daring to dream big, for caring so much about being a good mom. We cheered her work ethic and ambition, while sniffling and wiping away tears of pride and joy looking at a picture of her adorable, beaming daughter.
I guess we just felt at home, witnessing so much nurturing and butt-kicking ambition going on in one place at one time.
We are mothers, after all.
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{ 23 comments… read them below or add one }
What a lovely and touching story, Meagan. I think that when we’re authentic with our kids, they see our confidence and are proud of us. After all, our kids are always looking for ways to identify with us, right?
I’m not particularly nurturing, which made me feel very guilty as a young mom. (Well, I wasn’t that young, but I was *younger*.) I was ready to go back to work soon after my daughter was born, so she went to daycare. I didn’t like those first few months as a stay-at-home mom. I felt lonely and confused and bored.
Over time, I’ve come to terms with who I am, and I say screw anyone who can’t accept me and my parenting style. My kid is great, I love my family and yes, that includes the 18-year-old poodle with dementia.
Though I have to admit that working from home really helps create a better balance.
Laura
I LOVE this. I’m crying as I read it. This topic, as much as it’s been discussed and analyzed, never fails to move me. It touches something deep and inchoate inside of me, this tension between love for my children and ambition to be something besides “just” their mother. And yet the guilt, the trade-offs, the exhaustion … it’s all part of the story, too. My daughter (9 years old) is big on counting, watching, keeping track – how many nights I put her to bed (for the record, almost all of them), how many concerts I make at school (for the record, all of them) so it was particularly gratifying to me when, recently, she sat in the room as I did a work call. When I hung up I noticed she’d been doodling something. It was a list of observations about “Mum’s Work.” And it made me weep, and smile, and that lump of feeling that I can’t quite articulate swelled up so that I could barely contain it. I don’t think there are any simple answers, but I do think there are many, many ones that work for many, many people. xox
Just reading that the child has pride in her mother is enough to bring tears to my eyes. And yes that can be for whatever the mom has chosen to do. Isn’t it all we really want, to have our children respect us and look up to us for the choices we’ve made? I can only hope my kids feel the same about me.
I confess I got pretty emotional myself, during Kathryn’s presentation. I guess I completely understood her feelings about the time she had spent “away” from her daughter to develop and launch her company. I have been (and still am) going through the same experience and I have those same feelings most of the days! But then, today, I went to my son’s school and I read a story to his whole class… and he was so proud of me (and so proud of himself too, btw). And that was my “My daddy launched a company” moment…
Apparently, Pedro, I am in an egotistical fog this morning. I didn’t read your comment BEFORE I started clicking away on the keys. So enjoyed meeting you at MOM2.0! Looking forward to seeing your company thrive.
Well said, Meagan! I totally concur. And, depending on the day I feel more or less conflicted with my feelings THAT DAY. Sigh. Perhaps this is just a ‘woman’ thing? Or do men have this conflict too? Thanks for a thoughtful and intentional post.
Beautifully written and I have wet eyes now too.
I don’t like being put into one box or the other either since I have always had some of both. I nurtured a lot as a child too — dolls, animals, babysitting. I always fantasized about having a lot of kids. When my brother and I played the board game LIFE, I always got excited to land on the “have a baby” spaces and wanted my little car completely full. I even gave the little pegs names.
I think of that now when I look in my minivan mirror and see all the seats full!
I started out spending hours in the kitchen watching my mom cook and bake until I was old enough to help and then do it on my own. I wasn’t what you would describe as boy crazy, but I did yearn to find my soul mate and get married young. And I did – I met my husband at age 20 and we were married two years later.
Yet, on the flip side, I have always loved school, especially math and science. I wouldn’t necessarily call it ambition as much as wanting to get the “gold star”. I was on over achiever – working hard to get the A’s. I cared deeply about GPA, honors, awards, etc. When I finished school and started working, I wanted to do the best job, get the best reviews, and be respected as an intelligent woman working in a male dominated field.
Once I had my first child that nurture side reared its head. Suddenly my gold stars were about being the best mom I could be. At the same time, we needed my salary and benefits since my husband was already working from home to start his own business. My husband IS the business savvy, entrepreneurial type. He is ambitious and has amazing dreams of success. Yet, he also has a nurturing side; he loves taking care of his home, his pets, and when our son arrived he jumped right into parenthood with ease. Logistically, it just made sense for me to continue as the breadwinner and him to be at home, keeping his business alive, but not front and center. He was completely fine with this.
We now have four kids and have this same arrangement. I have found that despite not being there 24/7, I’m able to nurture my family in many ways. I give my kids a lot of love and attention when I’m with them. I cook and bake. I just have to make time for it on the weekends and evenings. It’s funny because my mom loves to point out that of her three daughters; it’s the full time working Engineer that cooks and bakes just like her, not the two SAHM, ex teachers. I’m very proud of the way my husband parents our children and has been able to grow his business in the early morning hours, during nap time, and when I’m home. He is very good at managing his two sides – nurture and ambition. And while it was hard for me to adjust at first, and face the “selfish working mom” stereotype, I’ve made my peace that I can still be a wonderful mother and wife and be good at my job.
I know my kids are proud of us when they say they want to be like us when they grow up. One particular moment is burned in my head – when my oldest was about 5, my husband was building the first fire of the winter season in our fireplace. My son beamed up at him and said “Daddy, when I grow up, I want to be a Daddy so I can build fires with my kids. I’m still going to be a teacher too, because I can do both just like you and Mommy”.
I just got weepy reading this post! So well said Meagan.
I’ve become increasingly convinced that if our society really placed a high value on our families and children and all that is traditionally known as “mother’s work” than mothers (and fathers) would have an easier time balancing work outside the home and work within it.
It’s not enough to say you value the work mothers do but not give families the tools they need to thrive: access to healthcare, early childhood education, quality childcare, parental leave, social security benefits for stay at home moms or dads. Families should have a strong safety net because our children are worth it and hold all the possibilities of our future.
Staying home with my children forced me to confront all of my unspoken assumptions about career and really think hard about my values. It also drove home how undervalued the work I do as a sahm is, all of a sudden I felt invisible to my former colleagues.
I really do feel that my husband and I have a partnership and have structured things to the benefit of our family as much as we can. I’ve also realized that my values don’t match up to some of the common ones promoted – such as being competitive and materialistic. I’m much more concerned with raising compassionate and resilient, caring children, and trying to model that behavior. It’s hard to see where these values fit in an economy driven by consumption.
So, people shouldn’t have to choose between family and work, but to have a real choice we need stronger social programs that support our children.
Thanks for sharing! After a week filled with work, work, work I SO NEEDED this!!!
I love this post, Meagan. I included it my Best of the Blogs wrap up: http://www.bloggingboutboys.blogspot.com/2012/05/best-of-blogs.html
Thank you!!!
Ok. Now I am choking up at my local coffee shop. My husband and I have decided to take a leap of faith, dream big, and step out into blogging full time. I’ve been a nurse for 17 years with 4 children. I have been judged for working outside the home and now for transitioning out of that career. Ironically by the very same people. It just plain stinks.
And then this TIME magazine article nonsense – well I briefly allowed it to bother me as I was reminded that I was unable to breast feed our 4th child due to breast cancer surgery.
We are bombarded with people who constantly tell us what we can’t or shouldn’t do and pouring out shame and contentment. Blessed to have read this and have a husband that says “Screw the labels. Reach for the stars.”
Thank you for this post. It was exactly what I needed.
Contempt. Oy.
I love this post! I often feel like we can’t have both at the same, and maybe there is some truth to that. After all, if I work 40 hours, that’s 40 hours away from my son. But perhaps I can have both, some of the time. And that just because it isn’t all of the time, doesn’t mean that either one is diminished in importance. Awesome, awesome post!
I’ve been back to work for about a year and 1/2 now after 3 children and 8 years at home for the most part, but I did work part time from home during most of those 8 years. The poor economy forced this to happen before my last child was old enough to go to school. It was so hard to wrap my head around working again, but I finally did and was blessed to be rehired where I worked when my first child was born. I struggle with this daily, though. I miss my preschooler a lot as I was home during this period with my other two. It is refreshing to be back to work and helps us so much financially, but I’m still adjusting. I loved this post. I am hopeful that someday I will feel more at peace about working full time. I am so grateful to be “back in the saddle again”, but the mom inside me keeps looking back at what once was. Not that being home was a piece of cake by any stretch of the imagination, but I was much more available to my family.
Thank you Megan. Great story and a great perspective. For me, it’s never occurred to me not to be both nurturing and ambitious. Why? Because that’s how I was raised. My mother had a (several) time-consuming, aggressive, fulfilling, and stressful career. So did my father. I never once doubted their love for me, their ability to nurture me, and bear no resentment over time I spent with a baby-sitter, times they didn’t chaperone a school field trip, or times I ate pizza for dinner twice in one week. I have tremendous respect for my parents as professionals and they have been tremendous guides for me in my parenting and professional lives. Now that I’m trying to replicate that experience with my babies I realize how very hard they worked to both nurture a career and their children. It’s hard, but it’s also rewarding.
The happiest parents I have met have always seemed to grasp that it isn’t an either/or. That you just have to figure out what works for you – and for the vast majority of people it’s going to be some shade of grey in the middle. Great Post!
Maybe some of aren’t ambitious but think we should be. Sigh.
Katie, I definitely don’t think everyone should be ambitious – at least not in an entrepreneurial kind of way. In fact, I think it’s probably a good thing we aren’t. It takes all of us to run the world – this is just my personal revelation about my own personality, you know?
Love, love, love this post, Meagan. Just what I needed to read today. xo
Thank you for this! I feel pretty strongly that as a family we are all working to make each other’s dreams come true. I needed the reminder that as my life has been VERY crazy busy in the last week…it’s okay to take some for me and write…because it’s a good example for my daughters. I’m really glad that they know that I am actively pursuing my ambitious dreams and it doesn’t make me less of a mother by taking 2 hours out of my week to do so…actually it makes me a happier mother
I can’t believe how this blot post said everything plus some that I feel so strongly about. How great is it to find that I’m not alone!
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