Right around his seventh birthday, Owen started developing a lot of fears. It’s been going on a year, but those fears have persisted, even gotten worse.
He’s afraid of mirrors. Windows. Dolls. The sound of an Android ring tone.
While he was once content to sleep in his twin bed across the room from his brother, these days I find him, most mornings, wedged under Will’s bed or curled into a ball by his feet.
Other nights, he comes into my room in the middle of the night and stands next to my bed, looking miserable, until I wake with a start. I’ve taken to making him a little nest on the floor next to me so that he can just crawl in without waking me all the way.
I’m not exactly sure what spurred Owen’s fears, but he comes by them honestly. From as early as I can remember until the time I was nine or ten, I occasionally got scared and lonely at night. I remember creeping into my sister’s room from time to time, looking for comfort. After my parents divorced, my mom would occasionally relent and let me sleep in her bed at night, something she’d never, not for one second, entertained with me or any of my older siblings before that.
But I remember how relieved and comforted and safe I felt when I got to crawl into the warmth of her bed.
Some nights, I get annoyed with Owen when he makes one of his 3 AM visits to my bedside. He’s always been my worst sleeper, going through regular bouts of night terrors from about the time he night weaned until he was more than four years old. He did OK for a couple of years, and now this.
I’ve had kids in and out of my bed for nigh on sixteen years now; truth be told, it’s getting pretty old.
But as frustrating as it can sometimes be when bigger kids act in ways we think only little kids should - whether it’s bedwetting or bad butt-wiping jobs or irrational night fears – the fact is that they are still children, and we are still the adults. They can’t talk themselves out of being afraid. And we have the power to make them feel safe. A power that I know won’t last forever.
But maybe it lasts longer than we think. Remember the anthrax scare in the late 90s? I was an anxious new mother with a newborn when that was going down, watching it all play out on the news.
I remember telling my dad I was freaked out about anthrax, and he told me not to worry, saying something like “God has a way of looking out for young mothers.” He said it with an easy confidence, and while I was twenty years old, a grown-up and a parent myself, I took him totally at his word. I never worried about anthrax again.
Parents have that kind of power.
The day is coming, and soon, when no small people will visit me in the night. When Owen will tower over me by inches, like his teenage brothers do. When I’ll connect with him over jokes and homework advice and awkward hugs rather than full-body snuggles. When he wouldn’t dream of crawling into my bed at night, even if he does lie awake convinced there’s somebody in the closet.
So for now, remembering how small and helpless I felt as a young child, cowering in my twin bed, surrounded by stuffed animals and wishing the cats would come sleep on my legs, gives me the resolve to roll myself out of bed and turn on the bathroom light for Owen when he can’t bring himself to approach it in the dark. It’s why I don’t lock my bedroom door at night and try very hard to be patient with him when he, once again, wakes me in the night to tell me he’s scared. It’s why I keep a blanket and pillow on the floor next to my bed.
I’m sure others would say I’m being a pushover, creating bad habits, not doing him any favors. And yet.
When Owen is afraid, he comes to me. And I want him to feel like he can always do that, whether he’s seven or twenty-seven.
I have the power to make him feel safe. Why wouldn’t I use it?
PS: I’ve got a funny little slideshow up at Babble about kid’s irrational fears that aren’t so irrational.
{ 12 comments… read them below or add one }
I’m with you. I struggled mightily at bedtime when I was a child and comfort was not for the taking. I’ve always told my kids they can get me anytime in the night they need to. Helping them out that way may be tiring, but it’s an act of generosity that cannot be denied. You’re so right: you have the power to make him feel safe. Your son knows it too, and you can rest well knowing that he won’t grow up and ask “Why wouldn’t she use it?” I cringe and feel a bit angry when I hear parents speak disparagingly about children who need them in the night. Kudos to you and keep ignoring the naysayers.
THANK YOU! You put into words my exact feelings about my five year dd’s middle of the night visits. From her first set of four teeth that came in all at once when she was 7 mos old she has had trouble with sleep. When it came time to move her from a toddler bed, we skipped a twin and went straight to a queen! We don’t do well with us all in our bed so I get much better sleep when I can just get in her bed! The peaceful smile she gets on her face when she falls asleep holding my hand lets me know that although I’m exhausted, she needed me. I know that she knows I am always there for her!
I think about this often. And when they DO come into my room (kids are now 8 and 10) all I can think is: what if this is the last time? What if they never want to sleep with me when my husband’s traveling again? I must sink into it now, while I can. And then I cry. xox
This is so true. Right now our 5 year old is having a rough time with… well… Everything! She is in full day Kindergarten, does beautifully the whole time she is there, and is in total meltdown mode as soon as we are back in the mini van heading home. I want to scream at her– GET IT TOGETHER KID! Enough with the over tired thing, we’ve been in school for 6 weeks! But then when she does have it together and she is making little jokes or playing mommy to her dolls or snuggling down with her “meowy” for bedtime, it jolts me back. She is only 5. She is having a rough time, and I can either make it worse or try to make it better for her.
Sadly, the best way to deal with these meltdowns is to ignore them. Which is the last thing I want to do. I want to scoop her up and rock her until she is calm. (OK, and sometimes I want to scream right along with her… The days ARE LONG for ALL OF US! haha…) But again, I’m the mom, I’ve got to teach her how to handle her emotions, how to respond to her body’s needs (go to bed early kiddo!) and to love her. Harder than it sounds some days…
This is such a sweet post. I am with you. I always want my son to know that he can come to me when he is scared, upset, etc. Whether he is one or twenty-seven!
Heck, I am 35 and I still want my mom when I am hurting/upset.
Awww. I’ve been frustrated that Portia is afraid of even Disney villains, so a lot of the adult friendly kid cartoons are off of our list. Now….I am reminded. THANK YOU.
We always bring our kids to bed when they are scared or sick. We always tell them that our bed, snuggled between Mommy and Daddy, is the safest place in the world and that they are always safe when they’re with us. I always want them to feel that. (Don’t get me wrong, I ALWAYS end up having a terrible sleep with them in the bed, but I’m willing to give up a night of sleep to make sure they feel safe.)
Awww. My littlest guy is turning 2 tomorrow and I was just mentioning how I wish he would finally just stop waking up in the middle of the night for cuddles. This made me tear up…he won’t want to snuggle full-on with me for too many more years (at the most I have 6 or 7 years left, right?) My husband and I go back and forth—on the one hand, getting up and bringing him into our bed is “fostering bad habits”. On the other hand, he is our last, and he’ll only be little for a few more years and we will definitely miss it.
My youngest is still only 3 but is adamant that she doesn’t like her room because of monsters. Her 6 year old brother sleeps in there and we have monster spray (vinegar and water) and an established night time routine. I suspect whe she wakes at 3 or 4 am she doean’t want to be alone more than anything but either way most early mornings we have a little visitor. I was surprised when I woke with an empty bed this morning and felt little sad. I know I will have an open bed to my kids when hey need it, occasionally when both children have been sick I’ve had to relegate Dad to the kids room. This won’t last forever but I hope my kids will remember and know that I am always here for them.
I let me son sleep on the floor beside my bed when he’s scared, too. Like you, I remember being so scared at night when I was little. I consider it a privilege to give my kids the comfort of sleeping near their mama in the middle of the dark, scary night.
Out of 7 children, I was the one with night terrors. I was afraid of windows because in my dreams, I was pulled out of them by monsters, something like an alien visitation. I now read that night terrors are just a symptom of unbalanced thyroid hormones. Could it be that simple or is it our very sensitive natures? Thanks for understanding him. Even as an adult, I wouldn’t handle those dreams well, they are that real. I am so grateful to my mother for never rejecting me at those times. I never crawled into her bed but just her being sympathetic and telling me, “It was just a dream,” really helped.
Check out monster-defense.com. We have a wonderful-smelling spray available now & a fun, illustrated children’s story coming out in Dec 2013-Jan 2014 that tells the story of a little boy with a monster in his room, and how he overcame his fear of monsters. In researching online prior to writing the book, we read many articles from child & adolescent psychologists and parents about recommended methods for dealing with fear of monsters, and interpreted this into a fun, rhyming story which gives parents direction on how to help & gives kids the tools necessary to overcome their fear.