This time, it’s my own darn fault.
My husband and I finally (five years after the rest of the world, I know) decided to get into the TV series LOST, and considering season 6 starts very soon, we’ve got some serious catching up to do. Plus, the show is downright addictive. So the last few nights I’ve stayed up way too late, totally consumed by the drama on my TV screen.
Today may have marked the tipping point. I was able to—after a struggle—drag myself out of bed to get the boys up for school, and even managed to buzz through part of the morning without too much trouble. But then around 10 AM, I hit a wall. I got cranky. Short-tempered. Hazy. Attempting to get some work done at Panera, I fantasized about taking a nap instead, deterred only by the worry that I might get kicked out.
Clara, who’s almost 10 months old, happens to be one of those pretty good sleepers who, almost from birth, has allowed me to get a decent night’s rest most nights. So I’d almost—almost—forgotten how awful it feels to not get enough sleep…but now I remember. My productivity is down. My creativity is hindered. My ability to communicate is hampered. Heck, I’m not even sure this post is making any sense.
Most moms are intimately acquainted with sleep deprivation at one time or another. Its effects, researchers say, can include lowered coordination and loss of short-term memory and lead to chronic health problems. In fact, studies have compared the effects of sleep deprivation to that of being drunk.
So today was an excellent reminder for me (a wake-up call, if you will—okay, without sleep even my jokes are getting cornier) why “lack of sleep” is one of the things that comes up again and again on moms’ lists of obstacles to happiness.
First there’s the acute no-sleep phase of newborn-hood: bleary-eyed feedings at midnight, 1:30 AM, 3:00 AM, 5:30 AM, 5:55 AM, 6:32 AM…and hours of unexplainable and inconsolable crying. I had a particularly hard newborn phase with babies #2 and #4 (for some reason, my odd-numbered children have been decent sleepers and not very fussy; not so much the even-numbers.) After a few weeks of never getting enough sleep, I was in crisis mode: my speech began to slur. I’d trail off mid-sentence in search of a word like “sock” or “multivitamin” that could no longer seem to make the long journey from my subconscious to my mouth. After a few moments of watching me gape silently into space, whoever I was speaking to would uneasily change the subject.
Sometimes, as it turned out, there was nobody actually there. Extreme sleep deprivation can cause hallucinations.
Then there’s the more chronic sort of sleep deprivation some of us experience for months or even years after our babies are born. A hyper-active protective instinct makes it difficult for many of us to fall asleep or sleep as deeply as we did pre-babies. Being always tuned in and anticipating some sort of NEED we might be obligated to provide for can make it hard to take a nap even if somebody else is caring for the kids. So we stumble through life, maybe not in dire need of sleep, but never quite rested enough—just a little foggy, a little irritable, a little forgetful.
And even a “little” bit of sleep deprivation can have a huge effect on happiness. Have you ever noticed how much more likely you are to lash out at your spouse or kids if you are sleep-deprived? How hard it is to find the energy to exercise, grocery shop, cook a healthy meal, apply your brain to a creative pursuit? How much less enjoyable life is in general? We joke about sleep deprivation, ladies, but it’s no joke: not getting enough rest seriously hampers our ability to enjoy motherhood, not to mention take good care of our kids (and ourselves).
So I’m dedicating this week at The Happiest Mom to SLEEP. How to get it, how it feels when you don’t, how to function when you can’t. If you’re not too tired, I’d love your help. If you’ve got experience in this area (and really, what mom doesn’t have at least a little?) and have commiseration, tips, advice, or resources to share, please weigh in below in the comments or send me an email. And tune back in daily this week to read about how you can feel more rested. Now go take a nap…if you can.
I sure remember what DIDN’T help: Being told that “this too shall pass.” I KNEW THAT but imagine being told “It’s okay, I know it sucks not to eat or drink today, but you can have a sandwich in a few years! So it’s all good!” This (along with the aforementioned sleep deprivation) made me homicidal.
My first child slept very well once she reached her due date (she was born at 34 weeks), and I was sort of cocky about it. I thought I had it FIGURED OUT, but then my second child did not share her pattern and my smugness vanished.
I have found that nursing while lying down is huge. The less you have to wake up, the better. I have also found that not keeping track is helpful. Knowing exactly WHEN I’m awake and for HOW LONG just makes me resentful, and then I find going back to sleep that much harder. Turning my clock away and just willing myself not to know helped with this one.
When our baby was new, one of the most irritating things about sleep deprivation for me wasn’t necessarily that I was so tired. It was that my hubby would yawn and say he was tired when I watched him sleep happily through 4 or 5 night time feedings. I remember just being so upset that he thought he was tired when clearly I got less sleep. Looking back, I’m not sure why it bothered me so much…but sleep loss does things you just don’t get sometimes I guess.
I recently started wearing a sleep mask to bed. My husband hates it, but it helps create a great mental barrier, like when I put it on I’m shutting everything else out. It’s been great. My son typically sleeps through the night, but since having him, I haven’t slept as well. It’s also a great help when sneaking in a daytime nap!
I love your description of the “dumbness” that the acute sleep deprived newborn phase provokes. So funny.
Yes, sleep is so important for our mood and our health. I’m sure many people can attest to the fact that chocolate bingeing tends to coincide with those days when you stayed up past midnight the night before.
To be the happiest mom, a nap is my solution. I am so much better to myself and my kids if I’ve taken that break mid-day. It can be as little as a 20 min power nap, but it really eliminates that crankiness that can come on hard around dinnertime.
Of course we all crave our quiet moments — and nap time is one of those delicious breaks when we can get something done — but if we’re too tired, I find it’s best to wait until the kids are in bed.
And then greedily hoard those few hours, until the tricky part: putting yourself to bed in time.
Both my boys were frequent night eskers in their first year. I remember with my first I hit a wall at around 4 mos, with my second at 5. I hated myself! I was not easy to live with. Honestly, I never discovered anything that worked beyond, at the moment when I simply could stay awake no longer, simply handing everything over to my husband and crashing. Seriously, if it wasn’t for the sleep thing I think I would have more babies.
I’m am very much in sleep deprivation mode and have been for 2.5 years now. Literally. My daughter woke several times per night until she was 17 mos and by then I was 8 mos pregnant and so even when she finally slept, I couldn’t because I had to wake to pee so much and had the typical late pregnancy insomnia. Then a month later, I was back in newborn land with my son. He is now 11 mos and still waking multiple times per night – usually 3 times. I’m dealing with it – somehow, but I’m definitely not functioning in full capacity and I really don’t think I can take it for much longer. Luckily, I shouldn’t have to. I’m really hoping that with my son approaching 1 yr old, I can get him to sleep better. We’ll see. Oh, and to Kim – I totally get the thing about your husband. I watch mine sleep peacefully through a million feedings and then tell me he’s tired in the morning. And while I’m sure he is (for whatever reason) it’s very aggravating to hear.
I think some of the worst experiences of sleep deprivation are self-induced. As bad as it is when your kids keep you up or you are awakened throughout the night, there’s just something worse about knowing you could have prevented your current situation by just going to bed.