
Oh boy, have I ever. I posted about a day like that last summer that went majorly awry. Just to give you some idea of the setting, it involved three boys getting “lost” in a public restroom at the county fair. Oh, and a police officer. But don’t worry, no charges were filed and the story ends happily, with the lot of us wandering through the RV displays.
Anyway, that experience inspired me to think about all the chances we get on a typical day or situation to turn things around for the better. There are things we can do to head off mom meltdowns…and when we miss that opportunity and find ourselves in the midst of a freakout, it’s not too late to turn it around. Even after you blow up, as my post illustrated, you can still choose to recover by taking a deep breath, maybe offering a well-placed apology, and making a decision to face the rest of the day with flexibility and good humor. Here are some of my best tips for heading off, stopping, or recovering from a mom meltdown:
To PREVENT mom meltdowns:
- Prepare. Things aren’t always going to go according to plan. In fact, they’re almost never going to go according to plan. We do ourselves a huge favor when we go into every situation with a plan of how we’ll deal, mentally, if things fall apart. But also stay optimistic: if you’re super stressed because you just know everybody’s going to fall apart at the restaurant during dinner with your in-laws, that’s going to shine through in your interactions with your kids. They’ll pick up on your stress and be more stressed themselves. And you won’t have much fun, either.
- Adjust expectations. Before you embark on an outing or start your day, take another look at that to-do list or consider how you hope that trip to the park will go. Did you choose a time when everybody’s well-rested and fed for that trip to the grocery store, or will you try to squeeze it into a jam-packed afternoon rush-around? Are you feeling like Supermom on a mission because you somehow managed to clean out three closets during nap time yesterday, forgetting that each day is different: today that nap might be cut short, or your mojo might just be low? Goals are great; just make sure your expectations–of yourself, your kids, your spouse–are reasonable and manageable. Then if things go even better than planned, it’ll be a happy surprise.
To STOP mom meltdowns in their tracks:
- Breathe. This is hands-down my most effective tool for keeping a freak-out at bay. You really can’t yell at your kids when you’re inhaling. Breathe in to the count of ten.
- Speak softly. Have you ever noticed that once you start yelling, your words, tone and volume fuel your anger and you almost can’t stop? Try remaining silent for a minute or two while you think about what you really want to say, or if you must talk, force yourself to speak in a low, calm voice. You can still express disappointment or give a warning very effectively in a soft voice…in fact, I’ve noticed that sometimes the softer I speak the more my kids pay attention. Plus, you can avoid that embarrassing “There’s a mom losing it in aisle 4!” public scene.
Okay, even knowing all this chances are good you’re still going to flip out from time to time (I sure do.) So read on:
To RECOVER from mom meltdowns:
- Play armchair psychologist. After the dust has settled and your face is a normal color again, ask yourself: why am I angry? Who am I angry with? Why? Am I being fair? Does any of this really matter that much?
- Apologize and move on. Making a decision to no longer be angry can feel impossible, but it’s amazing how freeing it really can be. You know the Bible verse about heaping hot coals of kindness on your enemy’s head? When you decide to “act as if” you’re no longer angry, it’s amazing how quickly your feelings often follow suit.Don’t get me wrong: apologizing to our kids, especially when they were acting like hyenas on heroin during their older sibling’s school play, is not easy. But what about your reaction…was it fair, reasonable, or grown-up? Most of the time, no matter how badly they behaved, I have something to apologize for, too. And far from than making me feel less in control as a parent, I find that the simple act of apologizing is one of my secret tools to happiness. Saying “I’m sorry” when I overreact teaches my kids that apologizing when you’re wrong is the right thing to do, and it makes everyone feel a whole lot better.
- Plan for how to make things go better “next time” (hint: look to the top of this post and read about preparation and adjusting expectations.)
How do you head off, stop or recover from mom meltdowns?
Original photo: Flickr user SpiritFire under Creative Commons License
In my family of origin, no one ever apologized for anything. Scratch that. The children were forced to apologize to the parents but the parents never apologized to each other after arguments (not in front of the same kids they had argued in front of, anyway) and not to the kids after meltdowns (of which there were many, many, many). As a result, I never learned how to come back from conflict until about 20 years of post-grown up therapy and other helpful things (like indulgent partners).
Apologizing to my kids is second only to not screwing up in the first place in my secrets to mom happiness. I KNOW I’m helping them learn something important when I do it, as well as practicing something important myself. And after I’ve done it I can dial the guilt way back for myself too. I may still wish I had never screwed up, but overall, I feel like a Good Mother after an apology.
Love this post, especially the recovery part.
I truly did enjoy this information and I will be visiting this site daily… thanks. A Mother of 4
Oh I have blogged about this – well not quite the same but “How to rescue a day on the brink of failure” … take a look if you like!!! http://www.se7en.org.za/2010/04/28/se7en-ways-to-rescue-a-day-thats-on-the-brink-of-failure
Se7en, what a great post! Everyone should read it!
I needed this yesterday! Yesterday definitely ruined my running for Mom of the Year. My daughter didn’t do anything major..just those small, everyday annoyances that added up, on top of an endless to-do for one of my jobs (it happened to be my work from home job) to a major mom meltdown. I wish sometimes there was someone to put me a time-out!
Hey, if a meltdown took you out of the running for Mom of the Year, we’d ALL be knocked out. I guess that’s why they don’t actually give that award out…
I love how you divide your tips into pre, during and post meltdown periods!
One very important thing for me to do post-meltdown is to discuss what happened with other adults (such as my husband or a friend – interestingly, not so often my mom). I need the connection and support from my peeps. Even if I didn’t handle things well, often I just need some kind of (after the fact) witness to debrief with. It feels like a relief to confess to my warts-and-all moments.
There’s nothing lonelier than a crummy parenting day that I sit with alone!
Oh man, I melt down more than my kids. If we’re being honest…
I find that just sitting down and looking them in the eye, hugging it out, just showing an act of love almost always grounds me. As much as I don’t feel like it, sitting at the table painting or coloring with them for even a few minute will usually bring me back to center. And then there are also the times that I need to lock myself in the bathroom for a bit and have a cry.
We have a saying: “let’s have a do-over.” and we all agree to forgive each other, erase what just happened, and start again.
Steph
I find it sooooo hard to apologise when I have yelled. However when I have it does feel so much better and the situation does turn around. I lose it and yell then feel like a raging idiot. Also It does not teach anyone how to behave well, I have to remember this in the moment to help me curb what is going on.
thanks for this great reminder 🙂
I try to breathe and stay silent for at least a minute while I assess whether this is something I should even be angry over. Example: for a while my daughter was in the habit of kicking off her shoes whenever we got in the car and it made me so angry because, “We are almost there!” Now I have to find a the shoes and put them back on! Ugh, breathe, breathe….After losing my temper in the car a few times I finally decided it wasn’t worth it. She didn’t understand why that made me so angry and wasn’t going to change that behavior, so I needed to be the adult (duh) and just deal with putting her shoes back on. Lo and behold, she seems to have outgrown the habit and has been leaving her shoes on for a while now.
Olivia, your daughter has got to be somewhere around the age of 2. (-: Mine is 22 months and the taking-shoes (and socks!) off-in-the-car thing has been so annoying lately. At first I tried to crack down on it, but like you, I’ve recently realized it’s just not worth the battle. It’s not going to be productive, and honestly, it’s just not *that* big of a deal. Breathe. I’m learning! (-:
I’ve had to apologize to my kids more than once. I am specific in my apology and I stress what I *should* have done instead.
Adjusting expectations is the BEST advice one can give a mother. I love traveling with my kids and have had great experiences, but I always build extra time in our schedule and most importantly, I lower my expectations. So, the big travel trips have always been awesome because of that. However, I have ruined more than one minor trip to a zoo or museum because I forgot to lower my expectations.
One great tip you mentioned that my Aunt had told me a while back, too, was that she tried not to take my nephew out in public when he was tired. I try to make sure that if we are going to the store or to a playdate etc., that my daughter has had a nap first (or we’ll be home by the time she needs one) and that she’s well hydrated and fed.
“Hyenas on heroin” that is a fantastic description!
Thanks pertaining to giving like amazing post.