People are often curious about how Clara – my only daughter after four sons – came about.
“Was she a surprise?” they’ll ask. “Or were you trying for a girl?”
I don’t mind the question, but neither guess is quite right.
After a fertility history that includes a lot of “Whoops!” my pregnancy with Clara was probably the most planned. It wasn’t because we were “trying for a girl” – after four boys I’d pretty much given up any idea that could happen - but that we had a nagging feeling our family wasn’t complete, and at the age of 31, with our current youngest still a toddler, it seemed like time to either go for it or move past the idea for good.
So now I have five, and I’ve invested well over half of my life in caring for babies and small children. But things are changing.
For the first time in over 15 years, I’m not pregnant or nursing. I have no children in diapers and very few nighttime accidents. Our bed is (mostly) kid-free.
My life is completely different than it was a year or two or three ago, and for the first time, I’m looking forward instead of back.
Maybe having teenagers put the final nix on any ideas of future baby-making: first of all, they require my attention and patience in an entirely new way; and second, when you have two teens in the house and the youngest child is almost four, it’s remarkably easy to get out sans kids.
A run to the grocery store for milk? Fifteen minutes, tops. A last-minute Happy Hour invitation? I’m totally there. Jon and I go on regular dates now, an ideal we put on ice for about a decade, when we were in the thick of parenting lots of little kids. Life is easy and free in a way it hasn’t been for many – and I mean MANY – years.
Of course, there are always tradeoffs. Putting away the Christmas tree ornaments this year, it occurred to me how few holidays we have left with all five kids under the same roof. How few years playing Santa and watching their wide-open mouths as they walk into the twinkly-lit, gift-filled living room. How the next time I proudly show off a fuzzy, nuzzly newborn, it will probably be my grandbaby. (Gulp. Let’s hope that’s a long ways off.) (PS: our editor Sarah’s delicious new baby is NOT helping.)
But for once, those little twinges aren’t making me doubt. With every year that goes by, the window of opportunity to do the whole baby thing one more time is slowly closing, but for the first time ever, I’d be happy to reach over and slam it shut.
I’m not stupid. Short of sterilization, I know there is still always a chance I could be gulping back every word at some point. But for the first time I can visualize a future with no more babies.
And that feels weird. But good. Life holds so much living beyond the years of babies and toddlers, and even if I occasionally find myself wondering “What’s next?” the truth is that I’ve been setting myself up for this moment for years by staying in touch with myself; the person I was before I started having children and the person I’ll be for the rest of my life.
I know how hard it is to see yourself being in this place when you’re straddling a baby on one hip while simultaneously cleaning up your preschooler’s spilled milk. When every trip to the grocery store is akin to herding wild animals. When nights are long and sleepless, when nipples are raw, when toddlers cling to the back of your leg as you cook dinner so tightly you can’t take real steps, when every venture out of the house is a tornado of coats, hats, boots and mittens.
So when I say “It all passes so quickly,” it’s not to chide moms for not enjoying every single second of those chaotic baby months; or to suggest that they aren’t “living in the moment” if they find themselves thinking longingly of a time in the future when they won’t be needed quite so intensely.
I know very well that moms of little ones are often entirely stuck in, absorbed by, the moment. Mothers of small children can’t help living in the moment, in fact, because often it seems to take so very long to get from one moment to the next.
All I want to offer is a little reminder that this phase, whatever it is, will pass, and sooner than you might think.
You know that, of course. But do you give yourself a chance to live it?
Because when this season is just a memory, it will be all those little efforts you’ve put into building a full life that takes yourself into account as much as your children; all the passions you’ve remembered to nurture (even if in small, fragmented ways), all the relationships you’ve taken the trouble to invest in despite the obstacles, and all the little ways you remind yourself that you are YOU that will help you create a new and rich life on the other side.
When it feels like you’re climbing a mountain, I know it’s not always possible to do much but put one hand and foot in front of the other. But try to take a moment every now and then to rest, to breathe, to think, to imagine. Because you really will hit that peak, sooner than you think.
And what’s next – what’s on the other side of that baby-toting, diaper-changing, all-night-feeding mountain?
That’s up to you. But you don’t have to wait until you get to the other side to start doing a little dreaming.
{ 33 comments… read them below or add one }
Great words….so true.
I am now at that point you were at 31. I will turn 35 in 5 months, and I have 2 girls, 3 1/2 and 2. Although we have only 2, they are 1 year and 5 months apart and we will begin getting off diapers now, and we both work, and money is short etc etc…many reasons to stop now. Sometimes I have the feeling our family is not complete yet, but sometimes we are both 100% positive we are done as a family of 4. Is it crazy? I know we have 100 reasons to stop now, but still when I see people with 3 kids I catch myself wishing I had twins on the 2nd pregnancy. Everybody here says I am crazy to even think of a 3rd kid (things in Brazil are way different from the US, and all my friends have 1 or 2 kids – big families were common for our grandparents, not even our parents). I keep saying if I win the lottery I will have at least one more!
I think it’s never crazy to want more children – it’s a biological urge! I guess for me the tipping point was when I could just as easily envision a future with no more babies, as I could one with more. I’ll always “miss” that phantom baby that could have been in a way, but then, I would have “missed” the freedom I am enjoying now. There’s always a tradeoff!
Exactly. You are so good with putting feelings in words.
I do already miss that “phantom baby”, that is the point…I am enjoying a relatibe “freedom” now, but I think in 10 years I will think “why in the world didn’t I have another one?”
I mean, “relative” freedom…
Also I had 2 c-sections in a row, not looking forward to a third one! lol
Renata, just to toss in an unsolicited opinion
, I just had my 3rd c-section and it was by far the easiest of the three (not that having three kids is easy, but the operation/recovery was my best of the three). And I felt very sure we weren’t done at 2 kids, and feel much more “done” now. 
-Sarah
Thanks Sarah! Good to know the third time is easier!
Can I ask you how old are your 3 kids?
Of course! 4.5 (turns 5 in April), 2.5 (turns 3 in June) and three weeks today.
thanks! not that far apart. Mine are 3.5 and just turned 2….but my urge is that I am turning 35, and don’t want to wait more. still not sure though
As always, a GREAT post.
Unfortunately, our culture puts so much pressure on women not to think ahead. I was told many times I was a bad mother for not spending every waking moment with my child. (Whether it be because I worked, a vacation without the kids, or simply went on dates with my spouse once in a blue moon). Regardless, I was well rested and challenged and so I always felt I was very *there* for my kids, and put aside tons and tons of time for them. ALWAYS. I would just roll my eyes at the stupid comments. IT was a crtiticism for retaining a sense of self and nurturing other relationships in my life. I always believed in quality over quantity. (Maybe largely because I was raised by a SAHM that was unhappy and not ever really *there* for me – easier for me to see the fallacy in that mindset. But alternately, I am kind of horrified how prevalent the other mindset is. I see it less in older and more mature moms. It’s more of a young mom/new mom thing. Probably because is just not realistic for the long term, and people eventually wake up).
I can not believe how fast time has flown!! I think often moms lose sight what a small piece of their life motherhood (to helpess babies/children) really is. In just a few years my own kids will be working, driving, and starting to build their own lives. I know far too many moms who have *nothing* but their kids. Maybe because I only had 2 kids, close in age, I always had a sense that motherhood was not the be-all/end-all for me. If I spend 20 years raising my kids into adulthood, I hope that is a small chapter in a long life. I will always be a *mom,* but it won’t always be so life-encompassing.
I understand for other parents it is hard to lift your head out of the fog and look ahead. I totally do. But it is an important thing to do.
“I think often moms lose sight what a small piece of their life motherhood (to helpess babies/children) really is.” So true. I think it’s totally normal to fall into a period of being consumed by motherhood when kids are really little, but at some point you feel yourself starting to come out of that fog and that’s when it’s time to start looking forward. That happens sooner for some moms than others, but I think it has to happen for all of us at some point!
Oh thank you, thank you for this. I have always been interested in the idea of feeling “done” having kids – and all that comes with that. We felt, like you, that “nagging feeling” that we weren’t complete at two kids, and I feel much more “done” now with three (but, like you, I realize I could eat my words at any time). I love hearing from moms a little further along in the story of being complete, and I think often on what I’ll feel like in a few years. My hope is that while I may feel that nostalgic pull when others get pregnant and have newborns, that I’ll feel at the same time complete and fulfilled with our family as it is…and that I can feel happy for those around me who continue to pop out new ones without being overwhelmed by wishful thinking that it were me. So thank you for sharing where you are in this journey – I love hearing it.
And to your wise point about how quickly this time will pass, I appreciate that you always deliver that message without the admonishing “you should enjoy these days while you can” that can feel a little condescending to those of us in the thick of it. I think most of us know that we’ll miss these days, and we know they’re also hard. Both those things can be true at once. With this being our last baby, I’m trying to enjoy it all but I’m not being too hard on myself to savor every last moment – because they really aren’t ALL savorable (savory?). Rather, I’m hoping I’ll *remember* them – the good, the bad, and the ugly – and that I can somehow honor them through the words I share and write.
[aaaand, end of long-winded incoherent comment. whew.]
As usual, thoughtful honest and wonderful. I am right where you are (in some ways)…marveling that the intense immediacy of parenthood is no all-encompassing like it used to be. I now take to telling friends with young kids that part of the pressure they’re feeling is simply part of how it is when kids are young…the fact that there’s not enough time/energy/attention to go around isn’t a sign of personal deficiency.
Let’s dream big, hey, Meagan?
Absolutely
You’re so right, it’s NOT a personal deficiency, it’s the way things are. Now that I’m coming out of this intense period, it’s amazing how I am increasingly finding the time and energy to do things like cook regular dinners, pack lunches most days, plan birthday parties more than two days in advance and remember to respond to personal emails. I used to feel like a slacker for spacing on that stuff, but when you have clingy, needy little kids it’s HARD to compartmentalize your brain enough. Turns out it wasn’t me, after all.
Great post! I’ve got 2 now (4 and 2.5) and a third on the way this summer. We always sort of said that 3 was our “magic number” but secretly I worry that I won’t ever feel “done’. It’s good to hear about what it looks like on the other side and I do look forward to the day when it is easier to get out and about (although those days are still a long ways off). Thanks again for your perspective, offered, as always, with understanding and humour.
Thank you for this. I’ve been saying to my family, when they ask me “how I do it” (my kids have some medical issues) that this is just a phase, that it won’t be like this forever, and that I’m just living for now and doing what my children need. I started blogging about my journeys as the Mama of two food allergic (in different ways) kiddos, and rekindling that long put away yen to write is just about the only thing I do for ‘me’ any more.
But it’s enough, for now, to remind me that one day my kids won’t be so completely dependent on me to, quite literally, keep them alive, and that one day I WILL get to go out with my husband, I WILL get to visit a salon, I WILL get to read uninterrupted for hours…and you know what? When I think of that time in the future, I already miss the moments I’m living in now!
I really do love being a mom to my sweet babies, but it is exhausting at times. Thanks for always reminding me (us!) to remember ourselves.
I am so, so fascinated by the discussion of when a person is “done” having children. As a 26-year-old new mama of an eight-month-old, I can’t imagine not having a baby in my arms for the foreseeable future. My husband and I always thought we’d have two or three children, but now we want more like four or five…
Once again a wonderful post. Mine are now 8, nearly 7, 4, and nearly 3. We are definitely done. Planned for four, and took measures to stop after four. I feel like I’m almost out of the blur of baby/toddlerhood and it’s a unique feeling…. no longer having a baby in the house after so many continuous years. I’ve definitely had some recent pangs for another baby – just the baby part. I don’t want to go through the early toddler phase again. Oh to feel those baby kicks again, and have a newborn sleeping in my arms… sigh. My 4yo daughter recently starting asking to “grow another baby” and it makes me sad to think she and my youngest won’t get to be big sisters to a newborn and have that expereince…(she was just 18mo when our youngest was born and doesn’t remember that time). But, then any new baby we had would be in the same boat when they grew up! You have to stop somewhere!
I feel like we’re heading toward what I think will be the golden years of parenting – preschool to preteen…. not that the teen years won’t be good, but I know they will have their challenges. Once we get over the last potty training milestone, I want time to sloooooooow down.
I think they are all golden years in their own way, but I do have a particular fondness for the elementary-school years. Kids are just so fun and funny and quirky at that age. But I’m actually finding that teenagers are pretty awesome, too, in their own special (and occasionally maddening) ways.
It’s amazing the simple act of getting themselves up to watch Saturday morning cartoons and letting mom and dad sleep. Aaaaah. I’m starting to feel it, too. It didn’t come without it’s tears, though. OH, did I mourn when I was done nursing my last baby. For 4 months, but I am enjoying my 4th baby as an almost 3 year old now and so content.
I love this so much. I’m always asking moms on the other side, “Please, tell me there’s life over there?” because it always seems like all you hear from anyone is how much they miss the time when their kids were little. Yes, I know I will miss the innocence of joy of small children–but I obviously can’t stop it from happening, so how can I look to enjoy life on the other side? This is just what I needed to hear!!
Good point! Our kids are all still young. Ages 6, 4.5, 2.5, and 3 weeks (yay!), but I would like to think that there will always be something in each stage of their lives that I will cherish. I know that even now as an adult my mom still likes me! ha! I KNOW I will miss the baby phase when that is done for us, just as I will miss the kindergarten years, and so on. But life is a journey, and I hope that there is always something to love about motherhood, even though that will “thing” may change from stage to stage.
Very well said. I also enjoyed reading the comments ~ thanks to everyone for sharing their perspectives at various points in motherhood.
This is one of my favorite posts on here. I like the idea of shedding light that it does get easier, and at the same time, that there are pros and cons to whichever stage of having kids you’re in. Like you said, once those kids are older, you reminisce and wish they were younger, and vice versa.
This is a wonderful post. I have two kids, a kindergartner and a 3 year old. I am done. So, so, so done. I love my kids but I also love the fact that I am starting to feel like I can come out of survival mode and start to build up some other areas of my life again. I know I will miss these years when they are gone, but I also look forward to what will come. And the chance to take an entire shower without anyone else coming into the bathroom. That will be nice.
“And the chance to take an entire shower without anyone else coming into the bathroom.”
This is the problem with having a family of 7. We have three bathrooms, but one of them is “all the way” upstairs and I can’t guarantee there won’t be banging on the door at some point when I’m in the shower, even these days. But when it’s one of the big kids, I just hum louder and pretend I can’t hear them.
Such a great post- exactly what I needed to read actually. But my question is: Will I really know if I’m ‘done’?! We have 3, the youngest being 5 months old right now, and soon after he was born, we decided we’d have one more. But just this past week, we’ve changed our minds, and think we’ll be done now… And while I know it does make sense, for vehicles, rooms in our home, etc, I have a nagging feeling that because we first decided on a fourth, I’m going to feel like there’s one more baby out there for me, and I just didn’t choose to bring him/her home. Does that make sense? In my head, I feel like I could be done, but my heart is the one who is struggling. Especially since I’m almost 35, and do really want to be done soon- but not because I’m just being rushed into deciding… I want to have the feelings of being content with being done
I think I knew I was done when I realized that having another baby would be more about having another BABY, than adding another human to our family. Does that make sense? Five kids are awesome and I have no doubt six kids would be equally awesome, but at this point, any “baby lust” I have is really just the desire to return to that slow sleepy newborn period…which flies by so fast, anyway.
I totally cried (in a good way) reading this post. I’m still deep in the littles phase (my boys are almost 5, 2.5 and 8 months) and some days it feels as though I will always be up in the middle of the night, awakened at 5:30 by a screaming toddler, and coping with tantrums. What’s starting to scare me now that I’m almost 5 years into this motherhood “thing” is that most days I really don’t have know who “the person I was before I started having children and the person I’ll be for the rest of my life” is. Thank you for reminding me, in such a gentle and nonjudgemental way, that it’s worth trying to remember who that person was since I will one day see her again.
I agree with Meagan! We currently have a newborn in the house, but before when my 2nd was about 2y/o (and my 1st was 3), I was able to (between putting them in preschool for a few AMs a week and a nap schedule) get my head above water. It happened again after our 3rd once she was about 1 y/o. Here’s hoping it will happen in a year from now when our 4th is about 1 or 2 y/o. I’m a big believer in asking for help (or paying for it!) so that I can attend to my own needs without ignoring the kids’ needs (whether that’s been work, grad school, exercise, shopping alone, sewing, showering… whatever!) Just keep swimming!
Both my husband and I feel ‘done’ but after 3 boys I still dream of having a little girl. I am 32 and my boys are 7.5, 5 and 2 so both older boys are at school with only bub home with me. We also run our own building business. I have also worked extremely hard to be in the best shape I have ever been. I have started to feel the fog lift also and we are enjoying so many more things with not having a littlie. How do you get past the feeling of being ‘done’ but yet ‘not done’, if that makes sense.
It is kind of funny, this advice is applicable to my situation too. I’m 25, but we don’t have kids yet. Not for lack of trying, we’ve been struggling with infertility for 1 1/2 years.
Sometimes I get stuck thinking ahead, wishing that I was in the midst of the baby stage, praying for the blur of diapers and feedings. It is better to take things a day at a time, with, as you say, little breaks to look ahead. I’m sure that whenever kids do happen for us, there will be days when I really miss being able to grab a couple things from the grocery store in no time flat, or sleep in on Saturdays, or being able to go on spontaneous trips.