Today’s guest post is by Heather Caliri, writer and blogger at A Little Yes. Find her online at HeatherCaliri.com.
Image by Brittney Bush Bollay
Two months ago, we said goodbye to a house our whole family loved. As we packed, I ached: I knew I’d miss the brilliant natural light in the master bedroom, the wide-open space of the downstairs, the snug backyard where my daughters set fairy tables. I hated the idea of moving into a new space that would not feel like home.
But one thought made it easier to close the door: when we’d first moved in, two years before, I’d hated the house. I hated the morning sun in the bedroom that woke us at dawn, the postage stamp of the backyard, and the giant, empty living room.
In other words, the house we were leaving hadn’t been home either. Until, well, it was.
I’m a homebody, and moving is always wrenching for me. I’d rather pull teeth than uproot myself. But if moving is a must, I want to find a way to find a peace with new spaces, learn how to make them home, and have a good attitude in the upheaval.
Why is it so hard to move? I was struck by the wisdom in this article about new homes: changing houses is like adding a new member to your family. The house changes everything about your life—how you cook, relax, sleep. As a parent, simply having a set of stairs for the first time meant I felt more worry, more feelings of separation, and a headache every time I wanted to vacuum upstairs.
You may be moving to a dream house or downsizing against your will. Regardless of the circumstances, moves can be jarring. So what can you do to make a new house feel like home?
- Give yourself (and your kids) permission to grieve. Knowing that you may feel loss will make it easier to keep it in perspective. For about six months in our last house, I thought feeling sad meant I had made a big mistake. But once we created new memories, got used to the changes in our routine, and discovered the house’s perks, I realized my sense of loss was temporary. I wish I’d had more grace with my grief.
- Be proactive about changing what doesn’t work. Once my negative feelings about moving receded, I started experimenting with the house. I was amazed at the power of simple changes. We cleared the back patio of junk, painted a few accent walls, and rearranged our furniture. Each change made the house mine. You, too, can find ways to improve your space. Once the craziness of moving is over, note down the things about the house that aren’t working. From there, work on simple ideas to improve things. When you cultivate a can-do attitude, you’ll see past imperfections and find possibilities.
Image by Andy Rennie
- Accept the house you have. You may be used to more kitchen storage, a bigger backyard, or your own washer and dryer. But if you hold on to what you’ve lost, you’ll never experience contentment. Simplifying is always possible. For me, losing most of our garage storage meant we chose to give away tools, decorations and supplies that didn’t fit. Once we did, we no longer had a gigantic mess on the garage floor, and a source of daily annoyance vanished. It was well worth the loss of boxes we barely opened.
- Ask for help. If you’re like me, decorating magazines make you break out in hives. Or, as a single mom, you might struggle with putting together an Ikea bed alone. Ask friends and family for help—and offer a batch of cookies or dinner to thank your benefactors. If you’re new to a city, finding support can be trickier—but a humble request for assistance from new neighbors and friends can sow seeds for deeper connections. You can find support in the midst of your move.
A less-than-perfect house can still feel like home. A year into our last move, I was amazed at my fondness for a house I’d once disliked. When I looked around, I saw all the ways I’d chosen contentment. That sense of gratitude and empowerment helped make the house beautiful to me.
This time around, I’m choosing to approach our next house with a sense of joy right from the start. I know that home is waiting for me, if I’ll just unlock the door.
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Heather Caliri’s work has appeared in Skirt! Magazine, Brain, Child, and Literary Mama. Normally a homebody, she’s spending half this year in Buenos Aires with her husband and two kids. You can read about their journey, plus her pursuit of little yeses and small bravery at http://www.heathercaliri.com.
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What a great post! I’ve moved many times, and your points are so right on. I do like looking at decorating mags, but I have to remind myself of what they are – mostly eye candy/fantasy, with the occasional idea I can actually implement. You know, kind of like Pinterest
Great tips! We’ve been in our house a little over a year and I definitely find that the more I do to it, even things like reupholstering a garage sale bench for the entryway, makes it feel so much more mine!
Every time I’ve moved, I told myself that it’ll feel weird the first two weeks. That’s usually how long it takes me to adjust to anything major, moving included. During that time, everything feels strange, the utilities may not be set up yet, you’re still figuring out how to get around, and you’re meeting new neighbors. Usually after two weeks, I fall into a rhythm and it feels like home.
I second the idea of grieving for your old home. I still remember feeling sad about leaving our last place but realize that we’ll still have memories of it.
What a great post! We just moved about 5 months ago and definitely “grieve” leaving our old home. I like the line you wrote, “But if you hold on to what you’ve lost, you’ll never experience contentment.” Helps me to put things into perspective.
Thank you so much for this article. I just moved into a new apartment and even though it’s absolutely gorgeous, I’ve been focusing on all the negatives like the smaller kitchen and lack of outdoor space. Your article made me realize I’m coming at this from the wrong perspective. I was searching for others who felt sad about moving but instead found your sage advice. Thank you.
An impressive share! I have just forwarded this onto a colleague who had been conducting a little homework on this.
And he actually bought me lunch because I discovered it for him.
.. lol. So allow me to reword this…. Thanks for the meal!
! But yeah, thanks for spending time to talk about this subject here on your website.
When it is more routine than we care to admit
however it would be best to examine our way of working so
that we can find a solution to the problem.
The dining room chairs will add a fresh
look to the home and give any do it yourselfer great satisfaction.
Check the condition of the top layer of webbing.
Thanks for this article. It really speaks to how I am feeling about moving and provides good info on how to make the best of a necessary situation.
You’re welcome, Kelly! I’m so glad it’s proving helpful to you. It’s funny–I just got finished with move 2 of the past year, with move 3 coming up next month–and after writing that article, _I’m_ feeling more peaceful about all the upheaval.
Thanks for the article. I needed it so badly, we just moved 1 month ago from beloved nice neighborhood to another house. I love the house but having tough time to get Settle in to the neighborhood. My two girls wants to go back so do I!! They are having tough time making new friends here and feel excluded. It’s always hard to be new neighbor…..
hi, great post.
My family moved to our new house just 1 week ago. This my parents dream house and everyone would say that we have a good looking house. My parents are so proud of it, this is what they’ve been working on so hard for many years. A few months before the house was finished, I was very excited to moved in I couldn’t wait but on the day we moved in, I feel like not moving at all. I don’t know why I feel this way even though our new house is just two blocks away from our old house, just a walking distance. Our old house was divided into two, the other half was our retail shop and other one is where we lived, just a wall separates the two. Although we always go there everyday because of our business, I still feel sad. Maybe because I am very sheltered person and my house was my only comfort zone. I just missed everything about our old house, like sitting on my old sofa and do my work. I could walk to our old house from our new house because it was just so near but I still feel so sad. I feel like a part of me is still stuck in our old house. The funny thing is my brother and my parents are so at home in our bigger house and I am the only one left feeling sad. It’s been 8 days since we moved in.
Thanks, John. I can so relate to your story. I think giving yourself permission to be unhappy and grieving is important. I hope your transition to this new place gets easier.
I can see the sadness in my mother’s eyes sometimes. She told me one’s she misses her old routine but she spent most of her time in our old house, she’s very hands on to our business. I told we should at least sleep one or two days in a week to our old house until we got used to our new house. Would that be a good idea? We lived there for almost 20 years.
I can see the sadness in my mother’s eyes sometimes. She told me once she misses her old routine but she spent most of her time in our old house, she’s very hands on to our business. I told we should at least sleep one or two days in a week to our old house until we got used to our new house. Would that be a good idea? We lived there for almost 20 years.
hi heather, I remember last December, I was kicking to move in. I was so excited. A friend of mine had the same experience when they moved in years ago and it took her months to accept that changes. Our old house is still ours. My plan is to sleep there at least two days a week to get used to the changes. How long did it took you to accept your new house?
You know, for that move it took a good six months to a year. But I would imagine it just takes the time it takes with different people–and I never loved that house the way my husband did. I think giving yourself permission to do what you need to do to have peace is lovely–and having conversations about it to. All blessings to you as you grieve and try to make sense of this change.
I moved into my new house 5 months ago. Based on my last move 13 years ago, I expect it to take at least a year to really begin to feel like home. Even though it has started to, since I updated the kitchen, hung pictures etc. One thing I do that might help John and others is every once in a while I close my eyes and pretend I’m back in my old house. I think about coming in the door and going through my old routine. Then for me I’m lucky because I have a lot that’s nicer now, so it’s easy to remind myself of all the good things I have now, like a nice backyard and family room. Then I open my eyes and go about my day. This helps me get past that feeling of wanting to be back in my old house.
I love this idea, Deborah! I imagine that intentional visualization would be really powerful.
Maybe you can help me. We moved into a small run down house over 10 years ago. We only put in cheap flooring ,cabinets, repairs, cheap everything with the promise we would rebuild
and or remodel. Well, not only has that not happened
it causes a fight if mentioned. So. I have a terribly run down house to live the rest of my days in. In an effort to be a good sport I’m willing to make this place “something”. I’m so over whelmed and on a tiny budget. Any ideas??+
Oh, I sympathize with this so much! Our living spaces are so central to how our daily lives go, and it can be depressing to live with a space we dislike.
When I was in college, I visited my roommate’s house for a weekend. She had four siblings; the house had three bedrooms and 1 1/2 baths. Tiny ones. The oven didn’t close properly, the couch had a gaping hole in the upholstery, and honestly, the whole place wasn’t much to look at; it was worn and used and cluttered and crowded.
They liked each other. They laughed when they wedged the spoon in the oven door to close it. They sat on the couch, carefree, and read good books.
It was a beautiful house.
I would challenge you to start with yourself (and this is not easy advice, I know, so bear with me.). Start with forgiving yourself and your spouse for broken promises. Let go of the hurt and disappointment. Forgive the house for not being what you’d hoped it could be. And then, take a deep breath, and fill your space with things that give you joy. Make things when you have time. Find odds and ends at thrift stores. Get rid of clutter. Let go of things that you don’t love, or use, or find joy in. Choose to make the space as beautiful as it can be, with joy and acceptance. I think so much of our house’s beauty is about our own sense of contentment and grace with ourselves.
I hope this is helpful, and hope you find peace and joy right where you are.
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