Recently I shared my thoughts on how making dinner doesn’t need to be as hard as we make it over at The Huffington Post. If you’ve clicked over from there, welcome! If you haven’t read that piece yet, I’d love if you do.

Just a few short years ago, I could barely boil an egg.
Although my mother put “dinner on the table” almost every night, I didn’t grow up cooking. A divorced mother of four, Mom ran a daycare out of our home; she was working from 6 in the morning until 6 or later at night. Once in a while I was allowed to add water to instant potatoes or whisk the (also instant) gravy, but more often, my job was to help keep an eye on the daycare kids while she ran into the kitchen and threw something in the oven.
So when I got married at 19 and had my first baby at 20, my culinary skills were extremely limited. While, by that time, I’d picked up a few skills – how to scramble an egg, toss a pancake on the griddle, or make almost any boxed or bagged noodle meal – I was far from feeling comfortable in the kitchen.
The only kinds of meat I ever bought were boneless, skinless chicken breasts and occasionally – and which I would only add to jarred spaghetti sauce – ground beef. I read and re-read my copy of The Joy of Cooking, but didn’t understand many of the terms and was so intimidated by the instructions that the only thing I ever made out of it was banana bread.
Slowly, through my 20s, I added new recipes and ingredients to my repertoire, and we began to cook a lot more for parties or big weekend meals. But as a working mom of many, I still had myself convinced that I was “too busy” to cook during the week.
I don’t even like to cook, I told myself. It’s not fair that I have to do it every single day! Aren’t there better ways to use my limited time? While I could force myself to throw together a weeknight dinner of tacos or spaghetti, our nightly meal was just as likely to be takeout pizza or sub sandwiches.
Here’s the weird thing about those “busy” weeknights, though: at the end of all that hurrying, the rush-rush-rush to get some kind of dinner on the table – which was often gobbled up by the time I even sat down – and the clearing away and dish-washing, and the driving kids around and homework shuffle, I felt like we hadn’t actually done anything. Most nights felt boring and unsatisfying, even in spite of the time I’d “saved” by not really cooking.
Because I perceived the nightly shuffle as boring, burdensome, and an all-around drag, I’d fallen into a pattern: I’d avoid the kitchen until the last minute, and then try to ‘whip something together’, feeling frazzled the whole time. If the kids didn’t love whatever dish I’d put almost no thought into, I’d feel put-out and grumpy. We were all in such a hurry we barely spoke during weeknight meals.
But all that hurrying didn’t seem to actually open up any time for important things. The kids were often still finishing their homework at 8:30 or 9:00. The kitchen rarely felt clean. I wasn’t any more productive in my work. By the time everyone went to bed, I just wanted to hole up alone with my computer and zone out, rather than spend time with my husband.
A couple of years ago, the solution came to me: maybe what I needed was to set aside more time, not less, in the kitchen – even if it meant limiting our evening activities, or having dinner later than we were used to.
What if, instead of squeezing the dinner process into the smallest possible amount of time, I gave myself a reason to enjoy the process of getting dinner on the table?
What if I shut down the laptop, ignored my email, fired up a great podcast or some of my favorite music, and turned that “witching hour” into a fun, productive time that I could use not just for cooking dinner, but also for tidying up, meal planning, helping the kids with their homework, dealing with permission slips and fundraiser forms, and just in general, being available to and engaged with my family and home?
So I started something that I eventually started to call ”the Kitchen Hour.”
And the effects were amazing.
After I set aside a block of time every day to focus – really focus – on the intersection of home and family, the entire household ambiance seemed to shift. The kitchen stayed cleaner. We ate better meals. The evenings felt less chaotic. I kept up better with meal planning and the family calendar. The kids lingered over their homework longer (at the dining-room table) and asked more questions. When the boys “interrupted” me, it didn’t feel like an interruption. It just felt like…life, and warmer and cozier and less fractured than before.
And surprise: I went from having zero confidence in the kitchen to being a pretty decent home cook. And with that improvement and confidence came another, bigger, surprise: I somehow found myself starting to, well, actually enjoy cooking.
Rather than going for the same easy ingredients at the grocery store, I found myself enjoying the challenge of trying new cuts of meat, new flavorings, new veggies, new cooking techniques. The more time I spent in the kitchen, the more confident a cook I became. And the more confidence I found, the more joy I found in preparing the nightly meal.
I still love quick meals, and yes, there are definitely hectic nights when I rely on frozen foods and boxes to feed my family. But I came to realize that dinner time is no fun for anyone (least of all me) if I treat it like an unpleasant but necessary evil. It’s not just about the food, but about setting aside time for family and, yes, fun.
Of course, it’s required some sacrifices. We can’t fit everything into every evening; we’ve had to cut back socializing during the week, and have had to become more organized and disciplined about homework, chores, and our own work schedules.
But it’s been totally worth it. Whenever I try a new recipe and it gets the thumbs-up; whenever I go to bed with a shiny sink and clean cupboards, whenever I feel relaxed at 8:30 instead of frazzled, I can tie it directly to my decision to embrace, not resent, the nightly meal.
Now that I have two teenagers, I recognize just how precious and fleeting this time together as a family is. Family meals are a wonderful opportunity to sit face-to-face with the people you love the most. Preparing that meal is only a burden if we make it one.
I believe food matters. But it’s not just about cooking, is it? It’s about carving out space, about saying “this is important to me and I will protect it.” It’s about sharing a glass of wine and conversation with my husband as I whip up a sauce (that five years ago I never would have been able to “find the time” to try) and being available to help my son study for his spelling test while the chicken cooks.
Some nights it’s about a roast and all the fixings, some nights I just put a nice tablecloth out for a quickie meal of pasta and jarred sauce. Eating good food is one important goal, but what really counts is that we all show up in the same place together.
Whether you’re a seasoned cook or can’t even boil water, I believe anyone can benefit from setting aside time to be in the kitchen and then seeing what happens.
Why not give it a shot? Try a new recipe. Just read a new recipe. Take inventory of your pantry. Make cookies with your child. Clean out the mystery meat at the back of the fridge. Talk to your spouse. Set the table with the fancy dishes, even if dinner came out of a box.
See if you can’t convince yourself to love – or at least, not loathe – your time in the kitchen, too.
It’s worth a try, right?
Sigh. I get what you’re saying, but just don’t think it works given the constraints of a lot of ppl’s lives. A lot of families (including mine) just aren’t willing or able to give up the things that interfere. I have 3 boys who play football; that’s important to them, and so important to me. But that means ‘taxi runs’ at 4:30, 5:30 and, often, 6:45/7 pm on practice days; game days are worse. (Summer and winter are no better — substitute baseball or basketball for football). And as a divorced mom, it’s all on me. I can’t get them to and from while also manning the stove at home. I know there are techniques I can use — more meal planning, my slow cooker/oven — but it is tough. I love that you found something that works for you and your family. My reality, though, looks more like the Slate article.
I get that Jennifer, I really do. It’s all about choices and tradeoffs, right? So if you’re not willing to give up the things that make your evening busy because they are that important to you, how can I argue with that? And you’re right that being a divorced parent puts a completely different kind of pressure on you. I actually wrote an article for HuffPo which should go live today and acknowledged that for some families making regular dinners isn’t just a hassle but a true burden. I think it’s important to acknowledge that.
But where I’m coming from, I had the time, the help, and the options all along to make dinner a priority…I just didn’t do it. I think there are a lot of families like ours. And when I started embracing it rather than fighting it, it made our nights much better and more functional.
All that said…we don’t do a big sit-down dinner every night and there are definitely times of the year that we are busier, for one reason or another, and meals are put off until later or become simpler/faster or we don’t all eat together. That’s life, and I refuse to let the perfect become the enemy of the good. But, that said, the skills I’ve learned from just getting more comfortable in the kitchen have also made it easier to pinch-hit in those cases. So it’s got a trickle-down effect in that way, too – the big family dinner nights are better because I know what I’m doing and enjoy my time in the kitchen now, but on the nights I can’t make that happen, I am better at working with what I have, throwing something together quickly, or using leftovers effectively. And on the days that I just can’t manage that and we order pizza, I feel totally fine about it because it’s not happening *every day.*
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Meagan, this is absolutely beautiful. You’re so right. I love to cook, but struggle to be consistent with an every night engagement. You’ve really inspired me to keep it going, even when my hubs is away for weeks and it feels so much easier to “grab something” with the kids. Thank you!
Thank you, Lindsay!
Our mantra for the week used to be: pizza, tacos, pizza, tacos, pizza, tacos,…..SANDWICH. I can totally relate to your story. I’m still working on trying to learn how to cook. I don’t enjoy it, but now you’ve inspired me to reach further. 🙂
Ha, Helen, I definitely know that feeling! Pizza, tacos, pizza, tacos…LOL! I won’t lie and say I never fall into that rut these days, but now I’m able to shake myself out of it because I have a menu of other go-to meals to fall back on.
I do this too…. and it helps to have older boys that will eat anything and everything! It’s amazing how when they are little they get fussy and then they don’t care what they eat, as long as its food!
Susie – absolutely! The fact that my teenagers will plow through most anything I make definitely is a motivator.
I grew into being a cook. I’ve been married for twelve years and I’ve embraced it more as our family multiplied. Two years ago, as a kind of New Year’s resolution, I decided I would experiment with new recipes and my goal was 12 a month. This includes everything from a new cookie recipe or just a salad dressing. It kept me from feeling overwhelmed and was actually doable. I don’t do that anymore, but it was a real lesson that there is more to eat than spaghetti and burritos. I have a few things that have become my absolute favorite foods/recipes and pushing myself to enjoy the act of cooking was a huge reward.
What a great resolution Alison – I like that you kept it simple, too, to keep it from being overwhelming.
I feel like you are describing me!!! I am not a good cook and I loathe meal planning and making dinner every night. This is a very interesting idea, exactly opposite of what I would think to do! I’m going to give it a try. Can’t hurt, right?
Exactly – what’s the worst that can happen? 🙂
Love this! It really helps to know what’s possible in a few short years with a) a better mindset and b) the natural evolution from a family of babies and tiny ones to a family of older kids.
You’re definitely in a difficult stage to pull off regular family dinners, Sarah! But the good news is, if you start slowly working on it now, you’ll be in a really good place to incorporate them into your routine as the kids get bigger and less likely to throw food and/or try running away from the table…
Love this, Meagan. Cooking is all about confidence. The thing that made me a better cook was a few years of chem lab in college. After that I thought, “Wait, why am I scared of pots and pans when they’re way easier than beakers and test tubes?” That confidence made all the difference and time and attention goes a long way.
Also: I highly recommend the book The Kitchen Counter Cooking School where the author takes some total non-cooks and turns them into impressive chefs with just a few classes. Great for the home cook in need of some confidence or new ideas.
Thank you for the suggestion – I’ll check out that book!
We had to cut out grains for health reasons, which eliminates all those easy boxed meals! Each step towards health has added minutes to my daily kitchen routine. After I got over initial reticence, I too am enjoying my time in the kitchen. Now that I have so little time to sit and read, it’s my chance to catch up on audiobooks and podcasts. It’s taken about 10 years to fully make the switch from pasta every night to “from scratch” dinners all the time, but it has made a difference in health and happiness. I am now working on streamlining dinner some nights of the week with my slow cooker, to accomodate dance class and my writing hours. Dinner is forever evolving to meet our needs of the moment!
Living alone makes it even less rewarding to cook. I loved your insight on how the time in the kitchen actually put everything else for the evening in place. You have inspired me to try and see what a difference cooking a healthy meal every day will do for the rest of my evening. I usually spend it in a boring rut just trying to get the time go by so I can go to bed. Thanks.
Thank you for writing this. I often say that my husband is “the cook” in the family, and he’s truly intuitive and fearless in the kitchen. But he’s only home for dinner twice a week, so it falls to me to feed myself and our three-year-old the other five nights. I confess I am intimidated in the kitchen. Especially by meat. Add to that, I don’t get home from work until just before 6 pm. But I do miss the feeling of having put a REAL meal on the table. (Pretty much everything I “make” is from a box or bag in the freezer.) After reading this post, I am going to put in some effort to reading recipes, and ONLY reading, for a few weeks. I’ll try to find recipes that I can prepare ahead of time or do in 20-30 minutes. Thanks for the nudge and the inspiration.
I used to cook far more than I do now. There are a lot of reasons for the change. For one, I am now a divorced mom of one. Also, my daughter has reached an extremely picky stage. She likes to eat healthy foods (trust my, I count that as a huge blessing!), but she refuses to try anything new. Really this just deflated me. I like trying new recipes and changing things up, but when doing this requires me to choose to make dinner a battle or cook something else for her I just lose my desire to cook at all.
On the other hand, I have tried this school year to do something similar to you. I am making my daughter sit in the kitchen to go over homework (yes, making – she would much rather be in front of the tv). It does make my evening go more smoothly to have her in the kitchen while I fix dinner and tidy things up. It is still a battle simply because I have allowed tv to take too much of her time up.
I hope the day will come when I can go back to trying new things and we both enjoy trying them!
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