The other day I was having your typical toddler-hanging-on-leg, breakfast-dishes-piling-up, hair-sticking-up morning. As the kids demanded endless cups of milk and help fitting Lego men’s legs back into their tiny little joint holes, I caught myself thinking “I’m not even sure I’ll have time to take a shower today.”
Skreeeek! went my brain (that’s the sound of a needle stopping on the record, in case it wasn’t obvious.)
I have probably personally used the phrase “I never have time for a shower anymore!” four hundred and twelve times since becoming a mom, but I’ve been working on eliminating it from my vocabulary. I’ll admit it: there are days I just don’t feel like taking a shower, but is the problem really that I don’t have time? Or am I just trying to make myself feel more selfless by telling myself–and the world–that motherhood is so demanding I literally cannot squeeze in a five-minute clean-up?
True, most days it would be a stretch to fit in a long, luxurious shower during which I stand under the hot water for fifteen minutes, apply sugar scrub to every patch of potentially rough skin, deep-condition my hair and remove every single unwanted bit of fuzz from the backs of my knees. But that doesn’t mean I can’t take a little time to do something that makes me feel human and ready to start the day: a quick, no-frills scrub-up-rinse-down.
Choosing to skip a shower every now and then because I’d just rather not deal with wet hair is one thing, but by telling myself that I “can’t” have a shower I’m just buying into that dreaded mom-martyr myth. As I said in “The lesson of the blue dress,” it’s not that I have a problem with pony tails, unshaven legs, or the “mom uniform” of yoga pants in and of themselves:
“It’s just the idea that a pony tail is a sacrifice motherhood demands. That our kids are somehow better off if we live in sweats. The thing is, our kids did not ask us to give up our purses or our daily showers. Going without a bubble bath doesn’t make us better mothers.”
Needless to say, I did take a shower on that chaotic morning. Because I wanted one. And also, because I’ve figured out over the years how to squeeze a full-service shower into a very manageable amount of time.
How about you? Do you have five minutes to spare today? (If not: goodness girl, take a breather!)
In case you’re wondering how I squeeze in a shower on those really hectic days, I thought I’d share my three-minute routine, (which you’ll also find in the book I co-authored with Regina Leeds, One Year To An Organized Life With Baby):
- Shampoo hair. Use shampoo-covered hands to lather up underarms and do a quick wash-down of the rest of body.
- Rinse hair.
- Shave underarms. A good razor with a fresh, sharp blade is essential! You’re not going for a beach-ready set of armpits here, just comfort, so try shaving diagonally instead of straight up or down for less irritation.
- Put conditioner on hair.
- Step out of the water stream and use conditioner-covered hands to prep your legs
- Shave legs as much as you have time for. Don’t hurry on knees! They get nicked easily.
- Use exfoliating wash on face.
- Now, step back under the water stream and rinse from head to toe.
With practice, you really can do this entire routine in three minutes or fewer. And if you don’t care about shaving, I bet you can get it done in two or less.
It’s not really about the shower, though, is it? It’s about changing the messages we tell ourselves about motherhood. When “I don’t have time” becomes “I can take three minutes to take care of myself” or “I’d rather use those three minutes to lay in bed,” we realize just how many choices we have about the way we spend our time. 6 out of 7 days, I’d rather have the shower–and can find, make, or take the time if I just give it a fair shot.
My blog book tour is off to a great start! Check out some places featuring The Happiest Mom!
- I wrote about greening up your life the easy way and answered a few questions about my life as a (usually) happy mom over at Jennifer Margulis’s Mothering blog
- Read this interview with me and enter to win a copy of The Happiest Mom over at Alisa Bowman’s Project Happily Ever After
- How does organization help keep me a happier mom? Check out this interview (and a giveaway!) at the AboutOne blog.
- I Am Not Superwoman did a great review and is giving a couple of copies of the book away
- Read five of my tips to being a happier mom and–yep–win a copy of the book over at Mamapedia
Phew! Think I got everyone, but if not I’ll catch up in a later post. Hey, if you’re in mid-Michigan I’d love for you to head over to Schuler Books at Eastwood Towne Center, Lansing tonight and attend a special “mom’s night out” with me!
My shower didn’t come ’til noon today (hey, I chose to sleep in a few extra minutes!), but I DID take a shower. To me, the alone time is at least as important as the actual washing.
I love this post, along with the blue dress one! I am a firm believer that taking care of myself makes me feel good, and that feeling translates to me relating more positively to my family. I hate the whole mom-martyr thing. I will admit to occasionally wearing yoga pants and throwing my hair under a golf cap…but it’s usually because I am doing some form of exercise…and I always add a little make-up to minimize the frump!
I love this! It really is so true. I have found myself applying dabs of makeup in-between filling bowls of cereal for the kids in the morning. I don’t have to put much on to feel more “put together.”
I agree to an extent. I think that reclaiming time for yourself is important. But I do think that if you would rather skip a shower some days than listen to the separation-anxiety-phase baby scream themselves into a lather, there’s nothing wrong with putting on an extra layer of deodorant and doing it at a better time. 🙂
Absolutely Leah! As long as you realize you have options–get up early, take a shower late, wait til your partner’s home, or just forget about it for today because being a little dirty is better than the alternative 🙂
I actually say it that way. I never say “I don’t have time to shower,” I say, “I prefer sleep to showering some days.” 😉
So true. But make it five minutes for big bodies. 😀
Cecily–hadn’t thought of that! I guess it depends if you’re going for “actually clean” or just “refreshed” 🙂
I love this post! Personally, I feel better when I take a shower every morning, and on days when I try to skip it, I always just feel awful. I bring my toddler in the bathroom with me, give her a couple toys, and take the quickest bath or shower ever. I find that feeling clean and attractive makes me a much happier, more patient mom than I am when I feel gross/frustrated that I haven’t been able to shower.
I love this post. So often I feel like such a dingy old mom who hasn’t showered in a day or more. The mornings when I DO shower, I feel so much better. Thanks for inspiring me!
Also, isn’t is actually GOOD for our kids to see that we care enough to take time for ourselves to get clean and feel good? It’s a good example to them.
Great post! I agree that a shower doesn’t take too long, I think it’s more mentally daunting to think about getting hair wet, then having to dry it, etc. Plus the logistics if you have a younger child. I remember when my second DD was born, it took me a month to figure out how to get a shower in the morning, just the logistics of it completely stumped me.
It also reminds me of a book I read a few months ago: 168 Hours, you have more time than you think by Laura Vanderkam. She talks about the “myth of the 80-hour work week.” I think that as mothers we have a “myth of business” that says that we are too busy caring for our children and households to take ANY time for ourselves, like you said, the martyrdom complex. In reality, any time we do or do not take for ourselves is a choice we are making, consciously or unconsciously. I aim for a shower every second day which is the same as I used to do before I had kids except when I was working full-time and showered every morning.
Steph, I think Laura’s great! I interviewed her here last year: http://thehappiestmom.com/?p=1564
And you’re right–it can be daunting and there’s more to it than just the washing, but like you point out, it IS a choice, even if we don’t always realize we’re making it.
For three years, I have been showering at night. I prefer a morning shower. I like how it makes my hair look and feel when I’m freshly showered. I also like my sleep. I’m absolutely not willing to get up earlier in the morning to shower. Days when I want to look a little more put together, I wet my hair down in the bathtub and dry it. But, it’s totally a choice. With 3 kids 5 and under, I choose sleep. 🙂
Amen!!! What is that about – I don’t have time to shower? My entire family knows I cannot breathe before a shower in the morning, let alone serve coffee to any reluctant risers or consider breakfast an option. And I have to add the shower is where I try and clarify my thoughts for the day – it takes a lot longer than three minutes… and if anyone interrupts my train of thought for ANY reason then they must know that the whole process has to start again from scratch because I can never remember where my thoughts were paused. Just saying… no shower, no functioning mother, and a certain recipe for disaster!!!
You’re spot on – again! It only takes a few precious minutes to readjust the happy-mom meter – IF we can take the time to do it. I love your three minute shower how-to as well!
I am a better mom if I do a few things that take care of me – physically and emotionally. One of those things is a shower. I must take a shower every day or I just end up feeling horrible about myself. And yes, I’ve taken showers with kids banging on the shower door. Whatever. Mama needs her shower, kiddos!
Funny. I got up early this morning just to make sure I got a shower. My shower challenge is that I have very long and very fine hair. If I get it wet I have to wash and condition it or the tangles are unreal. But washing it and conditioning it takes ten minutes. So often I will just rinse off, but that doesn’t keep my hair from getting greasy. Which isn’t too bad, since I wear it up all the time since my toddler learned how fun it is to make my face contort when she get’s her fingers tangled in it. You’d think I would cut my hair… but no.
Admittedly, I’ve never felt I didn’t have time for a shower since I work out of the home and not showering isn’t really an option. I’ll skip one day in favor of extra sleep, but can’t go more than that. But like you said, it isn’t really about the shower. I’ve been struggling lately to find time alone whether it’s to read, crochet, or just veg out and I really need to find a way to make it happen more often.
As an aside, I’ve never understood the SAHM problem of having a screaming baby while she showers. If she has a partner, why not shower when he/she is home? When my husband was a SAHD, he often showered after I got home from work.
Well, I can’t speak to other SAHMs, but in my case my husband works long hours and takes often-weekly business trips out of town. We don’t have a 9-5 M-F thing going on over here most of the time.
I certainly don’t begrudge anyone else their choice to prioritize a shower, but I’m just saying that some of us may actually be cutting down on our stress and increasing our happiness by skipping it when babies are in the phase where they freak out if we’re gone. I fully own that I am making this choice and I’m not blaming the kids for “not having time,” I’m just saying that there’s no shame in having a different priority either.
Being a SAHM too, I can totally relate! Sometime I just don’t FEEL like taking a shower due to the chaos & many tasks at hand. Esp now that it’s Spring Break, my 9yo & 3 yo are great at entertaining themselves. Making the time for even the quickest shower does feel good! Thanks for sharing.
By the way, the blue dress is awesome. Totally worth it. I too have a viscerally negative reaction to the whole martyrdom complex. I remember reading, before baby number 1, some diaper bag ad claiming I should get one I like because it would basically be my purse for the next few years. Um, no. I stick a diaper and some wipes in my grown-up purse when necessary.
For me, it’s definitely the hair wet and then drying it thing. I need a minute or two to ‘tousle’ my curly hair for it to look decent. And that, my friends, is where it starts to feel impossible with four kids five and under. I can drag them into the bathroom with me while I shower. But it just doesn’t feel worth it to have to explain to two toddler boys why mommy has to apply product to her hair.
Luckily, My favorite thing it to shower after the kids are asleep. Some nights I do it, some nights, I’m too exhausted. I definitely don’t feel more virtuous when dirty. But somedays, frankly, it just doesn’t seem worth the trouble. (Reading this back, maybe I’m more far ‘gone’ than I thought…?)
Thanks for the great topic. I need to at least think about taking a shower!
Elizabeth http://www.adoptiongoddess.com/blog
Elizabeth (and others who’ve commented about the wet hair thing) I totally hear you–I have misbehaving wavy hair that takes a while to dry and frankly looks ridiculous when I don’t blow it dry or at the very least, take a few minutes to apply product and tousle. So, I don’t always wash my hair when I take a shower. In fact, sometimes my hair looks better on the second day. But just getting in the water for a few minutes and coming out refreshed and soap-smelly makes me feel a lot better.
Like everyone else has said-it’s all about what you choose. If you own it, then you can deal with it. in a realistic way. I am NOT a happy mom if I do not have a shower and a strong, hot cup of coffee in the morning, so I can regroup and face the demands of the day. I think it is my choice how I manage my time, and I have to have realistic expectations, too. Something may have to give. I value sleep, alot, because it is so little and so interrupted that it is a precious commodity in my books. So, I have to choose how I order other things in my life to make my wants/ needs possible. I have been having an ongoing conversation with several mom friends on this same line about exercise. Because I want to, but “I don’t have time.” We all have the same amount of hours in the day, and it’s our choice how we choose to order them, and at least what value we place on things. Stepping back, during the much needed morning shower ;), can give me the space I need to be honest with myself and own it, and decide what I do with that in my day, so I can choose if I will be grumpy because things didn’t go how I wanted or happy, because it was my choice. And I have never been able to shower in three minutes, let alone shave…you must be wonder woman!
While I agree with you–I have rolled my eyes many, many times after hearing (or reading) the ‘I don’t have time,’ comment from mothers, both new and experienced–I think your a bit guilty of reductionist thoughts here.
Sure, it probably is possible to reduce a shower to 3-minutes. Maybe not even just “possible”, but fairly easy. But a shower comes with baggage that will add up to more than three-minutes. Three-minutes under the water quickly becomes three-minutes for showering, plus one-minute for drying off, plus two-minutes for quickly putting on moisturizer and/or makeup, plus two-minutes for combing and minimally putting your hair up, etc. It isn’t just three minutes . . . not by a long-shot.
That said, I still agree with you. It’s all about making choices and priorities. A shower and all that it entails might actually take ten or fifteen minutes, but even that is manageable, if you make it a priority.
Kate, true, I am exaggerating a bit to make my point–even though I CAN take a three-minute shower, I usually don’t; and the pre- and post-shower rituals do end up taking closer to 20 minutes both days. But, when you’ve got a small baby I think it’s usually the shower itself that seems like the biggest obstacle–it’s much easier to do all the rest of it with a child hanging on your leg or playing with the shower curtain.
I’m thinking too how much it depends on the season. In the middle of summer, I can walk out of my quickie shower almost directly into clothes with just a quick towel-down, put a little product in my hair and I’m good to go. Drying off and doing the hair is a bit more of a production in the winter!
I can’t function without a shower! I haven’t shaved in months though; I couldn’t reach while I was pregnant and my crazy husband likes it!
I have put using the neti pot back into my morning. That really makes my day. 🙂
Thanks so much for this! I often forego the shower when it really would make me feel better because I couldn’t wrap my mind around the idea of not shaving really thoroughly or simplifying my shampoo routine. I will try it this week!
I’d love to see a post with some ideas of what moms actually have their kids do while the shower (mainly I’m thinking for situations where the husband isn’t available.) Like another commenter my husband often works long hours and sometimes goes on business trips, so I’m definitely guilty of not showering for like a week sometimes. It’s not that I don’t have time-it’s just that I don’t know what to do with my almost-two-year-old (I used to shower daily when he fit in an exersaucer) My son does things like throw toys in the toilet, flush the toilet, pull everything out of the trashcan, unravel toilet paper, etc. Basically, I wish there wasn’t a toilet in the same room as the tub!! Oh, and if I take a bath he wants to join me, if I shower he’s afraid of the water (I think it’s the noise…he runs and hides while we fill up the bathtub usually) and cries the entire time it’s on then demands to be held for like a half hour to calm down.
If I am completely unable to wait until either the kids are sleeping or my husband is home, I have been known to: turn on the TV for the 4 and 2yos (something really crack-like, like Dora or Caillou) and then strap the baby into a stroller in a gated off other room so they can’t smother her with love. I don’t like doing that, though, because it tends to get me a horrific mess to clean up when I’m done – inevitably someone finds a way to get to the sugar canister or plugs up the toilet in the other bathroom or something. Usually I shower at night so either my husband is there or at least 2/3 of them will be sleeping, but I do tend to just forgo it a lot of the time because it is SO much easier.
The almost-two-year-old thing is hard. Like Leah, I’ve used the TV as a distraction, or sometimes I’ll bring something really special into the bathroom and let them sit there and use it (like the iPad, or my cell phone). I also will sometimes put Clara, who’s 2, down at the end furthest away from the water stream and let her play peek-a-boo around the curtain while I shower.
Or…I shower when she’s asleep. There are things I’d rather use that time for, but I figure I feel so much better when I’m clean that it’s worth it!
Also, I think a bath can work fine in place of a shower (I don’t wash my hair every day)!
Maman a droit – try and find some special toys that you can give your toddler while you shower. Something he gets only then… so it stays special for some while.
Let him unravel the toilet paper. So what? just roll it back on the paper thing after your shower 🙂 no harm done.
There are safety things you can buy to keep your toddler from opening the toilet (sorry, I’m no native speaker and don’t know the English word for them.) Something like a clip.
Can you put the trashcan in the bathtub while you shower? or somewhere else he can’t reach it.
You can also try and distract your kid with the CD player or a music toy. Or maybe a little bowl of apple slices and low-sugar cookies 😉
I have actually not missed any showers since the day my first child was born in 2005. That day, I couldn’t squeeze it in. Otherwise, I shower every day. It’s my sanity-saver. Sometimes, I’ve done it at night after the kids are asleep, sometimes in the morning, but I always fit it in.
Showers are important to me. They might not be as important to other people. I get that. But I think we all set our priorities, and taking the time to shower is one of mine.
If you really, really need it, you can always bring the baby into the shower with you (in one of those bath seats that suction to the bottom of the tub) or let them hang in a bouncer in the bathroom with the shower curtain ajar – they can see you, and you can squeeze 3 minutes that way. Play peekaboo with the towel while drying off and you’re fine. I have sensitive skin and therefore shower every other day, and now that my son is old enough, he watches Sesame Street while I shower quickly. But there is also nothing wrong with using dry (spray) shampoo on your hair, tucking it into a shower cap, and just washing your body. (You know, the shower cap that you/your spouse brings home from every hotel, even though you have no idea when you will use it or want to have one.) Guaranteed you can do that in less than 3 minutes, no matter what your body size, especially if you are skipping the shaving. I might not feel like the time and effort of a shower sometimes, but I can’t say that I really truly never have the time. The motivation can be a real issue, though – just like I always have time for concealer and mascara but sometimes don’t make the effort.
I truly do not have time to shower. Even as I type this, my 1 year old is attached to me so she can sleep and I’m unable to move. I only get to sleep 4 hours per night. I’m up desperately googling how to shower with a toddler… If I take her in the bathroom with me, she screams and does things that will hurt her like trying to climb into the slippery shower and falling. If I put her in the shower, she screams and tries to climb out of the shower and I have to tightly hold onto her (slippery) desperately trying to keep her from busting her head open in the shower while water gets all over the floor. If I leave her in her crib and let her cry, I start to cry too….