Today as I was running out the door to pick up my daughter from a friend’s house where she had been playing while I cranked out thousands of words for a freelance client in blissful silence, I noticed this tweet in my stream:
Well, that headline definitely drew me in, so I clicked over, one boot and one coat sleeve on, and read the post.
Lindsey wrote about last year, a big one for her as a blogger in which a lot of dreams came true. She got to cover the presidential election, traveled to the White House, appeared on cable news networks and developed her own web series. As an ambitious mom with big dreams, Lindsey said,
Last year was a culmination of all I’ve been working toward my whole professional life, really. I was able to use all my past work experience as a news reporter and anchor, television writer and producer and blogger, and combine it into one job. And that was awesome.
But all was not as it seemed. Because, Lindsey says, her kids suffered.
As ashamed as I am to admit it, I can see very clearly now that my children have suffered over the last year. You might not notice that they’ve suffered, even if you see them every day. But I notice. I notice when my daughter sadly says, “It’s okay, Mommy. We can spend time together another day. I can see you’re really busy.” I notice by the dependency my son has formed on video and computer games, born from too much downtime when Mommy had to work.
Oooof. This hit me right where it counts, because while my career isn’t on the same level as Lindsey’s, the truth is that I’ve got big plans for my career. I’ve taken some major steps this year, including expanding The Happiest Mom by taking on guest writers and a Managing Editor and launching a brand-new project. I have exciting brand partnerships on the horizon and am hoping to develop my own web series. Behind the scenes, I’m working on numerous client projects. I’m busier than I’ve ever been, and looking for new opportunities all the time.
In short, I see myself taking a lot of the same steps Lindsey did in the year or years to come, and at times I struggle with wondering if I should want these things, or if I’ll live to regret them if they come to pass.
But I have hope that I won’t.
Since selling my first freelance story in 2003, my career has inched forward a little at a time, sometimes taking lurching leaps forward, sometimes slowing or stalling during a challenging time, like after the birth of a baby, or during a difficult developmental stage. Or a particularly gray January.
And yes, I’ve seen that everyone in the family makes sacrifices during those “lurching leap forward” years and that sometimes, my kids don’t get what they want…which is pretty much always more, more, more of me. Sometimes our lives seem to fall apart into a chaotic mess and I have to come up with solutions and put things back together. Sometimes I just get overwhelmed, blue, or nostalgic for a simpler life.
But I think what I’ve realized is that, while I believe there is no such thing as a perfectly balanced day, there can be balance in the big picture. Because those big lurchy leap years are awesome in their own way, and have benefitted the whole family in myriad ways.
When, like Lindsey, we see changes in our kids that we aren’t happy about, I believe it’s our true Mom Consciences kicking in rather than false guilt. That Mom Conscience is so real, and so important. It keeps us in check and helps us make the best possible choices.
But here’s where my opinion might differ from most: I don’t believe that, when my Mom Conscience whispers in my ear that it’s time for a change, it necessarily means I’ve screwed up or done something unforgivable. Sometimes it just means that life has shifted a little too much in one direction, and it’s time to balance it back out.
Don’t get me wrong: I often feel conflicted about my role as a working mom, sometimes because I wonder if I’m short-changing my kids and sometimes because I feel like I’m short-changing myself. But in the long run, my ambitions are important to me, and sometimes you just don’t know that you’ve bitten off more than you can (or want to!) chew until you’re busy chomping along and trying not to choke.
And nothing is irreversible.
Whether it’s a blogger hitting the big time or a mom running for local office, I want mothers who are enjoying success in some realm outside their kids to be able to embrace that time without guilt. I want us all to be able to listen to our Mom Conscience and make changes when needed without feeling like we have to beat ourselves up for missing the mark. I want us to give ourselves the grace to test boundaries and make mistakes and reel things back in when we know we need to, but without feeling sheepish or “bad mommish” for getting in a little over our heads.
Because I really do believe that moms can be ambitious and nurturing at the same time. That our kids learn and grow by watching us try, succeed, fail, and try again. Because it can be good for them to experience change, boredom, and challenges.…even if it makes them uncomfortable sometimes.
Later in the post Lindsey pointed out that sometimes it’s easy to let other people start defining success for us, and I totally believe that’s true. And just as nobody else should define our success, nobody else can tell us what is “too much.” Sometimes we can’t even recognize it ourselves, until we’re in the thick of it.
When that happens, or when we recognize that our pace of life has become too fast and furious, I applaud any mom who simplifies and scales back.
But I want to make an argument that the too-busy or distracted times of our lives do not necessarily define us as mothers or doom our kids. It’s all part of the big balance, and we really deserve to have awesome, amazing times and pursue opportunities for ourselves, without feeling like we’ve let everyone else down.
As long as, when we feel that Mom Conscience nagging, we take a breather, see where we need to make changes, and pull things back toward center.
If you ask me, that’s pretty much the definition of a good mom.
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{ 23 comments… read them below or add one }
Awesome post! It’s all about being tuned in to your kids and your conscience. Love it!
A very relevant, enlightening article. Thank you.
In my opinion, there are very few “unforgivables” in parenting — and all of these are well beyond the my realm. I entered parenthood with the sage philosophy of “benign neglect,” an idea borrowed from a friend of mine. Boredom is a useful experience, walking to and from school is healthy, doing without means kids learn how to be creative. And so I focus on the big stuff — when my kid is upset, I try to put down my work and talk, even for only 15 minutes. I make space each day at 3:30, when she comes home from school (and then I get back to work and she does her homework). I remember that time spent with the other parent or friends or family is just as important as time spent with me. To me, this is how kids become independent thinkers and doers. I can spend all of my days worrying if I’m giving my kid enough time and energy. Or I can follow my dreams and show her what is possible.
Thank you! I love this! I think you hit it on the head, too!
Right on, Meagan. I love how you are able to see the big BIG picture, meaning over the long years of our life as family.
I too agree that going off balance is not unforgivable; it’s actually quite natural and happens all the time. The important part is being able to stop every once in a while and listen to those inner messages, then make adjustments that are right for our lives and our priorities.
Thank you for the inspiring words,
Amy
Thank you! This is precisely the crisis I was having last night – as if somehow there is a choice to be made between my ambitions and my daughter’s happy childhood – when really they are connected, and when there is balance over time, we can all get what we need. I really needed to hear/(see) this today.
SO TRUE.
I only went through one stint, thus far, as a working mom, where I felt overwhelmed. AND it was a phase that passed pretty quickly in the grand scheme of things. (My littlest one was much more attached to me, but once he started school those days were over). I caution women against making huge life changes in the heat of the moment, after that experience. IT was rough for a year or two, but cutting back my hours would have been foolish. Likewise, I want my kids to learn to be independent.
I am also a big believer in balance. But I think that is an important distinction. That not every day will be balanced. My job is pretty low key and flexible BUT I work 6 days a week for 4 months of the year. The trade-off is I don’t miss anything the rest of the year, with my kids. Those 4 months are probably when they will make the most strides to independence. When as they age they will learn how to cook and clean to help us out. Those times they learn we are always here for them no matter what, even if I have to work every Saturday. I’ll still make the time if they truly need me. But it’s also those times they learn that we work hard for what we have. This has been a tough one for me because we worked so hard *before* we had kids to make it easier on us, that I don’t think the kids see a lot of that. I think it is good when they see us working hard – that we aren’t afraid to work some long hours when it will get us ahead.
I really like this concept of balance occurring over longer periods of time, rather than within one day. I used to get very frustrated when a day was out of balance, but I realize now I need to look over the course of a week or even longer.
One thing I am learning is that it never pays to make decisions when I’m feeling especially stressed or vulnerable, because the decisions I make during those times are usually not sustainable and often not the decisions my heart really wants to make anyway…they are reactive rather than proactive. I love that you pointed this out.
I think it can be really challenging to tell what is temporary and what is not. I have little 15 month old twins and I tried returning to my full-time work as a professor and it was absolutely horrible. I am on my second leave and I’m weighing whether to leave that career track entirely in order to work part-time as a Research Scientist at a nonprofit. I have heard from other moms that as they get older things are different but not necessarily easier. I was totally stressed out as was my whole family. But am I making a permanent decision based on a temporary situation? Will I regret leaving the tenure track? I don’t know. I only know that I was career oriented for 15 years — I feel a little been, there done that. I am committed to maintaining a career, but I am astounded at how much happier I am and how much calmer my children are now that I’m part-time instead of full-time-plus. I can’t say I don’t worry that I won’t regret it in 10 years. But 10 years of my life is still 10 years of my life and every decision involves trade offs. I feel really fortunate I have the option of meaningful, part-time paid work in my field – and I personally don’t want to be rushed all the time anymore. I want to have more times to just “be” and to just enjoy my life and my family. It’s hard when the career options you’ve been given would be rewarding and fun and engaging – but you know you only have so much time and only so much life. I’ve been fortunate to have had the opportunity to give quality+quantity time to my career and now I feel fortunate to be able to give some quality+quantity time to my family. Even though it involves real sacrifice of certain career ambitions and options. I think Meghan will find this is something she has to continually check in about – especially if she wants to keep the mantle of “Happiest Mom.”
Beautifully said, Jen!
I don’t think kids get screwed over whenever there’s a high volume of work to be done. Imagine accountants who are basically MIA for a few months of the year, but hopefully make it clear to their kids that this is temporary, however difficult it may be, and make sure that there is still a routine and support system in place for them.
You can even extend this “unavailability” beyond work too. For instance, I’m very pregnant right now with twins, and as I go along with my pregnancy, I’ve had to explain to my son that I can no longer go to the park with him, or even walk around the block with him, or more recently, even play roll the ball at home with him. I’m saddened that I can’t, but realize that this is temporary and that down the line we’ll be able to go on walks again.
Sure, it’s not work, and I can choose my work ambitions, but I can also choose whether to have more kids, or how often I want to have me time or hobbies unrelated to kids. I think the overall balance is key. When your kids seem sad that they don’t see you, then yes I think parents should do what they can to be there for their kids.
The routine and support system are SO important. And really, that’s what makes being a working mom doable in the first place. Great comment!
Thanks for the insite and reminder that its okay to work…and have goals and ambitions! I often worry about my work-life-kid balance so it was a great article to read. LOVE IT!!!
I think there’s something particularly guilt-inducing about being at home, near our kids, but not available to them. If I worked at an office, then my daughter wouldn’t be standing there waiting for me while I sent off an urgent email before heading to the park. There would be more separation of the two spheres.
One of the things that I try to keep in mind is that, on average, parents spend way more time with their kids than over the past few generations. This doesn’t mean that I blissfully ignore my children. But it does mean that when I have to work on my career I also remember the way I take my son to music class every Tuesday, or walk to school and back every day with my daughter. I think we’re often quick to point out the bad stuff we’re doing, while overlooking the good.
That is a really great point, Amber. My mother did work outside the home when I was a kid, but I can tell you that the SAHMs of my friends did not spend anywhere near the one-on-one time with my their kids as mothers do today. A generation ago, a SAHM would be more likely to spend time doing housework or doing work while her kids did their own thing. Today, kids might do their own thing while mother works (whether it’s on employment in or outside the home, or housework, etc), but there’s a good chance that the mother will make more time to play with their kids than our mothers did.
Yes – my mom was a SAHM and then a WAHM and I definitely don’t remember her being available to me all the time. Physically, yes, if something was exploding or I was bleeding. But she had her grown-up work to do, too, and I learned to respect and work around that. I don’t ever remember feeling lonely or like I lacked attention – and I definitely figured out ways to amuse and entertain myself.
Thank you for sharing this. I went over and commented on Lindsay’s site, but wanted to say here, too, that it is so important for us to be in touch with our kids. To be brave about that. The Mom Conscience is an important alarm – something we can’t ignore. The reaction is going to look different for everyone. The important part is listening and reacting. We’ve only got one chance to get their childhood right.
I read Lindsey’s post and I understand her thoughts, but she does seem too harsh on herself. That one year of flurry activity and career building doesn’t do irreparable harm to her kids. My mom had to work during most of my younger to teen years. While I know that she wanted more time at home, my siblings and I are 100% sure that she loved us and did the best for us (She didn’t have a choice to scale back like Lindsey does)… Anyway, if you take the long-term view, kids are more resilient than you think. That doesn’t mean that they don’t want all of their mom/dad’s time but it also doesn’t mean you scar them for life if you’re unable to be there all the time. They really can feel your love if you’re present in the moments that you’re with them.
Yes – kids ARE resilient, and what I’ve realized is that there is no amount of myself that I can give them where at some point they say “okay, mom, I’ve had enough of you now!”
I think we have to lose our balance as parents in order to model to our children how to regain your balance, because honestly, losing your balance is part of life. We’re constantly veering too far into one thing and too far into another thing, and the key is to notice when we do that, and to work to create balance in our own lives. As moms, we absolutely were not made to be perfect. We were never made to be perfect. Our children should never expect themselves to be perfect. Thanks for a wonderful, Meagan.
Needed this one. Thank you.
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