Recently I shared a “typical” (which, we all know, is really hard to define) day in my life as a work-at-home blogging mom. In the post I wrote that I get out of bed at 7:15, start winding down – mentally – around 8:30, am usually in bed by 10, and often fall asleep with my Kindle in my hand shortly after.
In response, a reader wrote this:
Ouch!
After wasting twenty minutes coming up with a variety of snarky responses, I dashed off a quick reply and went about my business.
But hours later, I found myself still thinking about the comment and realized it was because I know I get more sleep than a lot of people do, and I’ve always felt a little “different” because of it.
Now, let’s define “more sleep.” I log between 8-9 hours a night, (10:30ish when I fall asleep, a little before 7 when I start to rouse) but it isn’t exactly the deep and dreamless sleep of a wee babe. I still get regularly nightly visits from small people, my husband snores (sorry for outing you, dear, but I’m pretty sure everyone on our block already knows) and I often wake in the night for one reason or another.
Ever since becoming a mom I’ve been such a light sleeper that if the dog tiptoes into my room and breathes next to my bed, I wake up.
But still. Let’s just say, for the sake of argument, that I get 8.5 solid hours of sleep per night, every night. With a little extra on the weekends.
And, let’s assume that, per the above comment – and the complaints, pleas, and humble-brags of tens of thousands of mothers on social media – that most moms are getting more in the range of 6 or 7. Or maybe even less.
Well…so?
We all know that sleep deprivation is endemic in our culture. Women – particularly moms – just aren’t getting enough of it, and the lack affects every area of their lives: relationships, parenting, sex, health, even safety. (Yes, schlepping your kids around in your car while exhausted is downright dangerous.)
Yet there’s this puffed-up pride, this image of motherly efficiency and busy-ness, surrounding the idea of running ourselves ragged until we drop into bed at 11 PM or midnight, then getting up five or six hours later to start the whole cycle again.
No, thanks.
I like to sleep. I always have. Since becoming a mom, sleep has been an even bigger priority for me than it was before, because I realize how much better I function – and mother – when I’ve gotten plenty of it.
Can I make it on 5-6 hours of sleep per night? Absolutely. If I push myself until I hit that second wind, I can stay up until 11 or 12 or 1 and get up early the next morning without too much effort.
I can do it for a few days, even.
But after a week of running on 6 or even 7 hours of sleep each night, something starts to change. I lose clarity and sharpness. I have a harder time carrying on a conversation with my kids or my husband. I start to lose interest in things that are important to me, like making dinner or exercising.
I start mentally sputtering in the mid-afternoon, instead of hitting a period of sharp focus like I do when I’ve got a good night’s sleep under my belt.
I get grumpy.
It’s not worth it.
So, most of the time I’m careful to get as much sleep as I need. I go to bed when I start to feel run down. I sleep later than many. (Psst: sometimes, I even go back to bed for a quick snooze after sending the kids to school. For shame!)
I know well that many women are burning the candles at both ends out of necessity or circumstances (early motherhood, hello!) and I definitely don’t want to pile on to their possible feelings of guilt or despair.
I realize that I’m fortunate to have the option of getting enough sleep in the first place. And I know that some women really don’t need more than 6 hours or so to feel good.
But neither do I like the idea that running on fumes is something to be proud of or to strive for. That it somehow equals being more productive, a better parent.
And it’s not just this one comment that’s been nagging at me, but a general sense in our culture that the more you sacrifice on “leisurely” things like sleep, the more noble, busy, needed, worthy you somehow are.
I refuse to play that game.
When I’m awake, I want to be really awake: energetic, happy, doing things that matter to me and enjoying them.
And when I can’t, I’d rather be snuggled down under the covers.
Would I get more done if I got less sleep? Maybe, though I’m not convinced I necessarily would. But I wouldn’t be a better person or love life any more. There’s such a thing as enough…for today, for a lifetime.
No matter what time I go to bed, there will always be something that didn’t get done. Personally, I’d rather face that to-do list with fresh eyes and some pep in my step.
I’m guessing most moms would. And I wish they’d give themselves permission to get the rest they need to make it happen.
photo: Ian, via Flickr
Other helpful posts like this:
Coping with Sleep Deprivation (tips for moms & reminders for me)
Self-care is more than bubble baths and pedicures.
{ 145 comments… read them below or add one }
Nobody’s bragging…just pointing out that your little schedule doesn’t match most people’s reality and to me, didn’t really provide any valuable insights that most people might use to improve their days. I used to work part-time from home and I know its pretty easy. I’d be more inclined to look to someone who actually juggles a challenging schedule with grace and skill for advice than someone who putters around hours at a time and wants to go to bed at 9 pm. I don’t get it.
Ignore the trolls, Meagan… You obviously know how much sleep your body needs to function, and you plan your day accordingly. Everything in life is about priorities and choices. Other than people with kids who refuse to sleep, everyone COULD be in bed as early as you if that’s what they chose to do. Some people don’t need to, some people choose to run on a sleep deficit, some people are able to sleep in… it’s just all about how we choose to live. Not what other people think! I, for one, appreciate that you are standing up and saying that sleep deprivation isn’t the only way for moms to live.
Honestly, your comment and this blog comes from a place of extreme privilege. Kids who refuse to sleep are NOT the only thing that keeps people from going to be “as early as” Meagan. Most people’s lives are subject to a lot more pressures than whether or not their children behave. I have to admit I don’t read this site often, once in a while when I am bored I pop on. Lately I’ve been contemplating the differences between the SAHM crowd and the WAHM crowd for some of my own writing and recalled this blog. The idea that people always have the choice to go to bed a certain time is completely out of touch with most working people’s realities, like I said. But I do understand this blog may be geared to a certain demographic. It was just kind of laughable to me, at first blush, because I was inclined to read it as a “How *does* she do it?!?!” kind of thing, but I suppose it was not meant to be that.
Your comments, on the other hand, come from a place of extreme condescension. If you spent more time on this blog, you would see that Meagan does not come from a place of privilege. She spent many years overcoming many challenges to get to the place where she is now, and even now she does not putter all day. That would be impossible for a mother of 5, unless she had a fulltime nanny. The way she spends her time is completely valid.
Gina, it was actually meant to be the opposite of that, frankly. I’ve never been interested in trying to impress people with how much I get done, how busy I am, or how overworked I am. I’ve gone way out of my way to build a life that’s slower and saner than what we’re typically presented with as the “norm.” You might also be right that most people’s lives are subject to more pressure than mine, but how much of that is luck and how much is lifestyle?
Thinking on this more…
is it really true that being able to get enough sleep comes from a place of privilege?
I’m thinking back to when I was a young mom in my early 20s, going to college, working two jobs (as a waitress and in customer service.) We were BROKE and lived in a tiny apartment. For some of that time I was a single mom. I had a lot of financial pressures and was juggling a lot. But I still slept. Granted, I think we all go through some level of sleep deprivation when we have babies/toddlers, but once that phase is past, is it really necessary for “most” working people to stay up super late? What are the pressures, exactly, that make a typical mom with a typical out-of-the-house job need to stay up past midnight?
I know an awful lot of “typical” working people and I don’t see it. The ones I know are divided into four camps: those that regularly get enough sleep, those that are temporarily sleepless (due to outside forces like insomnia or a newborn), those who know they should probably be getting more sleep but sacrifice it for social media, TV or “me time”, and those who take way too much on themselves (voluntarily, by the way) to prove their value to themselves or the rest of the world.
Staying up past midnight is not the same as wanting to go to bed at 9! All this just doesn’t compute. You said “most nights I’m too tired to keep my eyes open that late!” during your 830-930 window… I guess I can’t read between the lines of the vague writing well enough. It doesn’t matter, though, glad you could get another post out of it about how crazy and mixed up the rest of the world trying to make a living is for not sleeping 9 hours or more night! I also thought that it was extremely odd that someone with such a laid back lifestyle and early bedtime would not be bothered to be awake and lay eyes on her children while sending them off.
Wow Gina! If you have the time to start such a negative argument over something that is such a simple and (by the way) optional reading, then I would say you are probably in with the group of people that claims to be too busy to get 8 hours of sleep but are found after 10 checking Facebook or playing Candy Crush! Maybe some extra sleep would do you some good if this attitude is what you bring in your daily life!
I can’t reply to your latest comment down below bc it won’t thread that far, but I’d like to point out that I said I can’t keep my eyes open long enough to watch a MOVIE. Starting at 8:30 or 9. NOT that I can’t keep my eyes open at 9 PM.
Not that it matters but for the record.
Please re-read your post. That may have been what you meant, but it’s not what you wrote. Anyway… like most of the mommy blogs, you have your fans, they love you, and that’s good for you.
Actually, that is what she wrote. She was talking about being able to keep her eyes open in the context of watching a movie at 8:30 or 9. No vagueness there. There’s a reason for Meagan’s many “fans”. Because she is a kind person who uses her gift of writing to encourage other mothers, of all different backgrounds (rather than tearing them down). But the fact that Meagan’s fans have defended her against rude comments has more to do with the nature of those comments than it does with being her fan.
Sleep – the great divider!
I’ve done the working mom thing, and I’m currently a SAHM embarking on homeschooling a kindergartner. I loved reading your schedule, Meagan, since it was nice to see another mom’s very fluid day! I, too, make a list the night before, then just work on checking things off. I used to be a planner, down to the half-hour – doesn’t work with small children! Now I just look for spare bits of time in the day to finish things.
I’ve always placed a high priority on sleep. I aim for being in bed, lights out, for 8 hours per night. My younger child is 2 and still gets up sometimes during the night, plus we live in an apartment, so sometimes street noise wakes me up despite the noise of the fan in the room. I’m on west-coast time, so this will look super-late!
For a sample, here’s how today went:
7:30 – alarm goes off. I saw a youtube thing about happiness that recommends spending some time first thing in the morning lying in bed stretching and thinking about all the small things we have to be thankful for, like running water for the toilet, electric lights, etc., so I spend 15-20 minutes doing this each morning. It really does seem to help me greet my family in a good mood.
8:00 – B (my husband) leaves for work. I start making the kids’ breakfasts. C is 5, and K is 2, and we make Breakfast – oatmeal, toast, and sometimes some fried eggs. It’s important to me, so I do it.
9:00 – Breakfast is finally over. K takes forever to eat, so I stay at the table with her so she’ll finish instead of getting down to play with C. I drink coffee, look through our lesson plan for the day, and just chat with her. She’s very talkative.
9:15 – We sit on the couch and read. K is starting to act tired, so by 10 she’s down for an early nap – hurrah! This mean C and I can focus better on his school work.
10:00 – C pulls out his handwriting book and gets started on that. I print out a coloring map of South America, and a regular map. We sit down together and he paints the countries different colors. We have to look at the regular map – he’s just learning the countries, and apparently I’ve forgotten a bunch! After painting, we pull out one of our phonics games and play that on the rug.
11:00 – K wakes up from her nap. Everyone’s getting hungry, so I start putting lunch together. I realize we’re out of dried split peas, a key ingredient for tonight’s split pea soup.
12:00 – lunch is over. We walk up to our favorite grocery store to get a pound of split peas. It’s a half-mile walk one way, so I don’t bother taking the stroller. We also pick up two sugar pumpkins for the kids to decorate (we do it with stickers, then pull them off after Halloween to bake the pumpkins and make them into pie!) and a pound of the year’s first candy corn.
1:00 – we’re finally home from our shopping adventure. K fell and skinned her knee on the way home, so I ended up carrying her. Oh, well. The kids play together while I put away the groceries, start a batch of bread, and then start the soup. During the “in-betweens” (those snatches of time when I don’t have to be directly involved with the bread or the soup), I set up Starfall for C, and supervise to make sure he’s not just playing through his favorite few games, but making some progress.
3:30 – The bread is done, and the soup is ready to be put in the oven to keep warm till dinner. I hitch up the bike trailer we’re borrowing from a friend, load up the kids, and bike C up to his aerodynamics class. Sounds fancy, but it’s just a little after-school thing available through our Y, and he loves planes, so he’s enjoyed learning more about what holds them up! Mostly “regular” school kids, so it’s also a great socializing opportunity.
4:15 – I drop K off in childcare, do a weightlifting workout, then pick her up and go get C by 5:15. The class is held at an elementary school close to the Y, which is 3 miles from our apartment.
6:00 – I’m home, putting the trailer away, and B gets home. We finish getting dinner on the table, and eat together as a family. B tries to convince K she doesn’t have to dip both ends of a piece of cheese in her soup. He is not successful, and K ends up covered in pea soup.
7:00 – dinner is over. The kids and I sit on the couch and learn from youtube how candy corn is made while eating some. Then we watch Alton Brown make chocolate chip cookies three ways. K gets bored and wanders away to engage B in some pretend cooking play. C snuggles with me, and I love it.
8:00 – We get K ready for bed, read stories, and in bed by 8:30. C stays up with us, and we play dominoes. He’s in bed by 9:00
9:00 – I finish the dishes B started while I was cuddling with the kids. We both tidy the living room a bit more (the kids pick up their toys before bed, but it’s not perfect).
9:30 – we both sit down on the couch – B to read a book he just got from the library, me to check my e-mail (finally) and plan out tomorrow. It will be park day with our homeschool group, so I need to figure out how I’m getting to the park from our morning commitment. Fortunately, this week is at the “home” park (every other week, park day is at a different park in our metro area, but the off weeks it’s always at the “home” park, which isn’t hard for our car-free family to get to on the bus), so at least I’m not perusing Google Maps figuring out bus routes. I want to try biking, since we have the loan of the trailer, so I look around at elevation maps, too. We’ll see how tired I am after yesterday’s 28 miles and today’s 7. That trailer is heavy with the kids, but if it really works, we may end up buying one of our own, so it’s worth trying.
11:00 – I finally get a chance to check The Frugal Girl, and find you!
11:30 – after many edits, I finally finish my comment, and will head to bed. Later than I’d like, but worth it.
Well…I work from home more than full time, am the sole breadwinner for our family and homeschool 4 girls…and I agree 100% with Megan on the importance of sleep. Sleep affects my productivity, my creativity, my mood and my stress-level, and I wouldn’t be able to juggle half of what I do if I wasn’t getting 7-8 hours (closer to 8 as often as possible) a night. In fact, I know this is true because I had a baby who didn’t sleep through the night until she was 2, and I hit a major slump and experienced depression because of the lack of sleep.
I have friends who function best on 5-6 hours of sleep. The technical term for that is Super Sleeper, and I would *love* to be one of those people. But I’m not, and so for me, sleep is a priority.
(Also, if you don’t find Meagan’s advice helpful, why do you read her blog? Just to complain? That doesn’t make sense to me with all that you’re juggling…)
You’re so right, Mandi – I don’t manage all that I do in spite of getting lots of sleep; it’s BECAUSE of it.
That is EXACTLY what I say when people ask me, “Goodness, don’t you ever sleep???” I say, “Yup, I do. Eight hours a night, usually, and that’s WHY I can do what I do.”
So interesting. I also get a LOT done (by my own and most people’s standards) but I also sleep a lot
I love my sleep – always have – and life with twins who didn’t sleep til they were 10 months old was very hard for me.
I’m just now making the connection that the sleep is probably a huge contributor to my energy
Granted, my schedule doesn’t reflect that of a lot of working moms’. But the post was part of a series aimed at inspiring moms who work from home, or want to – it wasn’t supposed to be offering advice to women who work challenging schedules out of the home. There’s also this to consider: I’ve consciously created a slower lifestyle but it’s taken a decade plus of hard work. So for moms who are working hard to build businesses in the early stage, while juggling babies and toddlers, it’s nice to be able to look forward and see that eventually things will calm down a little.
As to whether or not your comment was meant to sound boastful…I’ll believe you that it wasn’t, but we live in a culture of busy-ness in which going without (sleep, leisure, etc) is seen as a virtue. YOU may not have been bragging, but it’s something that gets bragged about, directly and indirectly, alll the time. Your comment was just one small example.
*applause* Consciously creating a slower lifestyle–what I call a slow lane life–is to be admired and applauded. You’re happy, you do good work in your world of parenting and writing,you feel good–and it shows
Carry on, then!
Oh Gina…
I have no idea what you used to do working part-time from home, but you obviously have zero concept of what it actually entails. Before having my daughter I used to work 10 hour work days outside the home. Now I work from home “part time” and I swear I spend far more time now on my work than I ever did when I clocked away from home. There is a lot of stop and start when you have a child and their needs come first. On top of that, as a freelance writer there are so many other things involved in the job aside from just the pieces you write. Social media and answering e-mails…squeezing in time for meetings… I know Meagan personally and she is definitely a hustler and I’ve no doubts she spends her days doing far more than just “puttering”. In my opinion Meagan’s schedule shows that she has learned to prioritize and trained her children so that she doesn’t have to do every single thing for them all day long and that to me is great parenting! What good is is being a parent if you are too tired to actually be present for your family? Good for you Meagan for setting good boundaries and making yourself and your most basic needs (seriously…sleep should not be considered a luxury) a priority!
Yes! I’ve also had very easy jobs in the past. Running a freelance business isn’t one of them. Rewarding, yes, and fun, and not PHYSICALLY demanding…but not easy.
This really just sounds like trolling with words like “little schedule” and “I know its pretty easy” and “putters around hours at a time”. It sounds like she hit a nerve.
Really “jobs outside the home who are up before dawn and still going strong at 10 or 11(myself included)… isn’t impressive. I applaud you for your work and the raising of children, but it doesn’t really mean you have grounds to attack someone who has been able to work out a different life and realizes the importance of sleep. I admire her for her choices and life.
And her advice is good for everyone no matter their job and home situation “GET MORE SLEEP”. If you are, on a long term basis, working so hard that you are always sleep deprived? Then you need to change something. Work less, work better, get more sleep (or find a doctor to help you do so).
What Trey said. I am much more impressed by the way Meagan has worked hard to arrange a life where everyone’s needs are met, including her own. That’s what I aspire to. When I read about people working more hours and getting less sleep, I am not impressed. I feel sorry for them.
Gina’s choice of words is patronizing at best.
You found working part-time from home “easy”? What kind of work did you do? I work part-time from home as a writer and editor (so I, like Meagan, spend my day “sending emails, writing, and puttering around” or however you put it)….in addition to being the primary caretaker/driver/cook for the family. It’s NOT easy. I’m also training for a marathon (though frankly I’m having a hard time finding the time lately, thanks to my work schedule!).
Last night I said, “Forget it! Forget trying to get work done after the kids go to bed!” because I’ve been getting really run-down and tired lately, which makes me not be terribly functional, productive, or patient. I was in bed by 9 p.m. and asleep by 10. It was GREAT. I realize I should do that every night to be truly productive and happy.
And I’m a new reader to this blog. Does Meagan really spend that much time “puttering”?
I would like somebody to define “puttering.” If it means moving from one room to another tidying up (That’s sort of how I always visualize it in my head!) than yes, I do spend quite a bit of time doing that
If it means, like, be-bopping around my house daydreaming, then not so much. 
Putter-
occupy oneself in a desultory but pleasant manner, doing a number of small tasks or not concentrating on anything particular.
Does not apply to you since desultory means lacking a plan, purpose, or enthusiasm. I like the part of pleasant manner and a number of small tasks but that’s the only part that makes sense. I don’t think we are suppose to get this into vocab blogging! Or we are going to take hours writing an article or comment.
Love you, love your blog. I think your articles are not offensive or braggy at all.
By the way, my comment was direct toward Gina!! Meagan, I love this post and this discussion. Sleep is SO crucial, and we’re certainly in a culture that prides itself in working nonstop and never sleeping!
I figured, Julia! Thanks for being part of the conversation!
I think irritability is a key sign of sleep deprivation. Perhaps Gina, you really could use some more sleep?
AMEN! More sleep! Goodness. Must not be too busy to rant and rave at each other. I too love my sleep, and I know I am way too crabby w/o it. And I do. not. even. work. HAH!
“Little schedule”?
Using language like “little schedule” and “puttering around” are condescending and unnecessary. This site is about finding ways to be happier. Hope you find more happiness in your life and that you don’t always talk like this to people. Keep up the good work, Meagan, and thank you!
For someone who obviously follows this blog, you don’t seek to embrace the principles the writer does. In fact you’re downright mean. Example “little schedule” ? I have only read the blog for the first time this evening and I’m surprised at your snarkiness. Perhaps you need to be a little gracious and take on board that the writer is putting her health first. And respect her decision to do so. I’ve done what I have needed to do ( fulltime, part time, fulltime + study, part time plus business) to try prioritise my children, and I have sacrificed sleep to do this. All of which is now starting to come crashing down on me. Today I was up at 550am with my 2yo and it’s now 11pm and I’m heading to bed. I think I’ve managed to last this long only on borrowed time as my health is now suffering. I’m enlightened by this post and I am going to try lwind my bedtime back to 930-10. As for you Gina – I wish you some peace and kindness in your heart, bitterness and vitriol is burdensome.
You sound quite bitter about your lifestyle. Perhaps you should stop projecting your feelings onto other people, and find a solution that works for you. Best of luck.
I could agree with you more. I’m a better Mom (and many other things including being good at my job) when I get good sleep. This nasty comment/debate reminds me of the editorial The Busy Trap in the NTY from a year or so ago. Google if you havent read. Constant juggling is a fact of many peoples lives (I’m sure you do it in yours too) but its not something to aim for/boast about. Shame on the commenter for being nasty- I found your blog as a new mom trying to balance motherhood and life, and I imagine many other readers did as well. So of all of the places for a fellow mother to be so critical and judgmental of a writer- this isnt it.
Andrea, thanks for mentioning that article – I remembered reading it but couldn’t remember the name or where it came from.
Hallelujah! I did the small baby awake all night screaming jags for months on end…in rapid succession. I was ragged, emotionally bereft, and a husk of myself. You do what is necessary during those times. Unless someone is ill, I will NOT compromise sleep now–it is too important. I have said to my husband…sleep, showers, and sex are my non-negotiables! As a mom, getting enough sleep is almost considered sacrilegious. I would also say I experience similar response when I mention reading. If I mention reading in the “wrong” group of people (ie. the self-sacrificing, sleep-deprived, constantly on-the-go mom), I get an earful about how there is never time to read a book! Often these same people post continuously on social media or their children are all in 8 activities. We are all busy–maybe in different ways, but we all make choices what is and isn’t important to us. As for the comment by Gina, the original post was “a day in the life of” NOT a piece expounding her valuable insights into anything. I would assume even if you were a work at home mom, your schedule would be unlikely to be anything like hers. Not everything you read has to be directly applicable to your life; sometimes diverse thoughts information can be enlightening. As for someone “juggling a challenging schedule with grace and skill”–this woman has 5 children and runs a business at home! Your definition of puttering is certainly different than mine.
Love your “non-negotiables!”
“We are all busy–maybe in different ways, but we all make choices what is and isn’t important to us.”
Amen to that.
amen. Love the “non-negotiables” Those are mine too
. (though I’d add eat breakfast 
).
I completely agree with you!
I have tried all 3 “levels” of work over the last 7 years as a mom – worked full time with kiddos in day care (3 years), worked full time from home (2 years – by far the hardest – conference calls with a 2 year old and a newborn were CRAZY!!), and now I have been a SAHM for 2 years.
Between going through different seasons in both my professional and parenting lives, there have been tons of ups and downs in the sleep arena. But right now, this season, is by far my best in terms of sleep. I am right there with you – I get up around 6:30-7am and I am in bed by 10ish. I can function on 6 hours or less – I mean, we were all 20 once and some of us have gone through the newborn phase – doesn’t mean we were at our best.
And I would love to touch on that comment, but I guess as a SAHM with a sleep schedule that matches yours I just putter around, so there is no value in mentioning how I plan my day
I will say that the amount I accomplish during a child’s (and often husband’s) 2.5 hour nap should be considered a freaking Olympic sport that I would gold medal in every day!
Ha! I hear that – if working from home around small children has taught me anything, it’s how to get an amazing amount accomplished in a very short window of time.
I wake a little earlier than you, but I am typically in bed, winding down at 8:30 or 9 at night. And to the commenter that argued about someone juggling a full time job and blah blah blah, I do. I work a full time job, I have three kids and a husband that’s on call. I also manage two side businesses and keep everyone functioning.
Does everything get done? No. Do I scramble last minute on some things? Sure. But sleep is so ridiculously important that doing without just to get the laundry done or the house sparkling isn’t worth it to me. In our house, good enough is good enough when it comes to that stuff.
There are those of us who have a different schedule and different priorities. It doesn’t make anyone less productive or realistic. I need more sleep than most. Nothing wrong with that. Just like there’s nothing wrong with needing less sleep. It’s about priorities and what works for the individual.
Yes this, though I go to bed at 10pm (sometimes 10:30), I’m winding down by 8:30 or 9 for sure, right after I read the girls to bed. A this point I read or watch TV or just putter.
My brain is done for the day by the kids’ bedtime. My body goes soon after
The biggest lesson here, and there IS one (for me at least) is defining one’s priorities. Yes, I too can function on little sleep, been there, done that. However. And this is a big However. You know what? I’m not a saint. When I’m sleeping 8+ hours a night, I’m not Yelling Mommy. I don’t yell. I don’t even speak in a snarky tone to my kids. I have a nice tone of voice, I don’t have to put myself into a time-out just to keep from losing it.
Meagan’s Day in the Life was an example, an honest example. Which I loved. I need sleep, we all do! It’s a matter of priority. Perhaps Gina, you feel like a great mom when you are going on 6 hours of sleep, and your relationships don’t suffer. That’s you. Mine suffer when I get too little sleep.
It is really amazing to me how much NICER getting enough sleep allows me to be.
My biggest pet peeve is when women expect each other to function exactly the same. Our bodies are all very different with varying needs. I, too, need a lot of sleep. In college I developed chronic fatigue and had to drop out and go home and sleep for a semester. Not fun. I make sure I get at least 8 solid hours a night now. I have a friend who functions fine on about six hours. That would be nice, but isn’t my reality. I always appreciate your honesty. I think you and I would be good friends!
It really is so individual. For me there’s a sweet spot and when I’ve hit it, I KNOW because I’m energetic, positive and productive. It doesn’t take long with less to hit a wall.
I have wished I was that person SO many times. It would be great to only need six hours.
Well said! I prioritize sleep too (although I prefer to head to bed early and get up really early!). My goal is 8 hours a night. During busy seasons, I can get away with 7-8 most nights with an occasional short night, but for the most part, 7-8 is my minimum. And I know without a doubt that I’m more productive in business and a better wife/mom when I get enough sleep!
Sleep was one of my biggest worries about becoming a parent, and I do get less than I did before I had babies. But I try to make up for it by not staying up late, and now that I’m not working I stay in bed until about 7:00. I’m still interrupted by my nursing baby and my older child coming into our bed, and my husband snores*, so I never get a lot of hours straight, but I try to at least give my body a rest by being in bed no later than 10:00.
*I’ve noticed I’m a much lighter sleeper than I used to be so I’ve started wearing earplugs to block out some of the smaller noises and dampen my husband’s snoring. It helps some.
Olivia, I have thought about getting earplugs but I get nervous about the idea of not being able to hear if there’s some emergency (like a fire or yelling kid or something.) Does it really block out all noise or just muffle it?
I’m thinking if a kid came in my room in the night I would wake up even without the earplugs – it’s not even necessarily that I hear them; it’s like I SENSE them.
I have earplugs rated at 33 NRR and I can still hear when someone is talking to me. I can’t understand it, but I know it’s happening. Even when my 4 yr old whispers “mommy” it wakes me up (or maybe I’m just sensing her). They only block my husband’s quietest snoring (the loud stuff still wakes me and I kick him to turn over, lol), and things like the neighbors’ A/C, the furnace kicking on, the cat licking himself, you know, all the stuff I do NOT need to hear.
Wow Meagan, I’m sorry that you have had to be on the receiving end of such rude comments. Knowing that you have five children and that answering emails/writing/blogging during the day is what you do to earn a living (while simultaneously caring for your 4-year old daughter who is with you the whole time you’re working, and then caring for your other kids when they get home from school, making dinner, etc all while doing your work), I don’t know that I would actually describe your day as “puttering”. Maybe some people have a hard time reading between the lines and need to have everything spelled out to them. I usually get less than 7 hours of sleep per night, but I don’t brag about that because it is a result of my own choices. After my son goes to bed, I crave time to myself. I also crave it in the morning before starting my day. In order to get it, I sacrifice sleep. I only have one child. My life was definitely harder when I worked fulltime in addition to having one child (I now work part-time. That does not mean, however, that I spend my days puttering. And I can’t imagine that a work-at-home mother of 5 spends her days puttering. Your posts have enriched my life and I’m sure they’ve touched the lives of many. Don’t let negative comments negate the value of your work.
Yeah, I definitely had to smile at the “putter around” phrase too – but you know, it’s all relative. I’m engaged in some kind of productive activity – writing, tidying, helping with homework, cooking, errands, helping my daughter find her shoes A-GAIN – almost all of my waking hours. I don’t run myself down – but I stay plenty active. But like you say, Claire, does one busy mom really need to spell all that out to an audience of busy moms? We all know well the tasks that fill our days
I’m new here, but I’m having a very hard time getting over her repeated use of “puttering.” I would LOVE to feel like I had the time to putter! What busy parent spends her day puttering around?
“Puttering” just means doing a whole bunch of little things – tasks fractured by life events – over a period of time. I putter a lot too, but it’s not a leisurely poke around in the garden bed – it’s lots of larger tasks broken down because that’s how it goes when 4 kids’ wants and needs collide with my responsibilities. A basic example: cleaning broken down into 2 minute gasps (or shorter) because the cat spilled something, or a kid knocked finger, or hubby wants a shirt ironed, or someone has to use the bathroom I’m in, or whatever. Most of us, I’m sure, don’t have large blocks of uninterrupted time just to devote to one task, although it would be great to!
What if Meagan had used the word “triage”? (or insert your busy, room-to-room word of choice) – almost all moms can relate to periods in the day where you are tying up loose ends while managing the emergent needs of the family, which can still arise after the kids are in bed. Instead, she chose the word “puttering” – which in my mind is slightly more whimsical, and certainly sheds a kinder light on some of the more weary and taxing parts of my day when I’m not at full speed but need to push through.
Good reading comprehension regards the spirit of the text along with the letter of it – I really hope one word isn’t a hindrance to the kindnesses we are being encouraged to give ourselves.
Thanks for the definition, Cat! I think Julia was actually responding to Gina’s use of the word “puttering” – I can see it both a positive and a negative light depending on the context. According to your definition I, and most moms, do putter quite a lot. I actually kind of love the way the word sounds – like you said, whimsical!
My goodness. Hard to believe someone took issue with your sleep schedule. Your posts are totally relevant to me, even though we have completely different lives. I just recently went back through your “Struggling, Mom?” section to get some help for a week-long blue spell. Love your posts!
Oh, I’m so glad the posts help you. Thank you!
You know, I work two paid jobs, volunteer in the classroom, volunteer as parents association secretary (am the PA rep for our board of directors) volunteer elsewhere in the community, parent solo two weeks at a time then get a weekend with my partner helping out, go to school part time (teacher training) – handwash all my clothes and dishes and manage to live rurally without a car, cook and eat a whole food diet (no processed foods) and I still get up at 7:15, wind down at 8:30pm and the very latest I’m asleep is 10:30 – usually by 9:30 or 10 – because sleep is vitally important and part of my job as a mom is to be a good role model for healthy habits.
mudmama, you are a great example of what’s possible when your priorities are set. You and I don’t share all the same priorities/choices but I really admire you for sticking to yours – and doing it in a way that’s still healthy for you.
Thanks for your honesty! My wife gets less sleep then me during the night but can’t make it through a movie at night. We’re all different. I appreciate your blog as a stay at home dad
Jake – I can’t tell you how many times I’ve dozed off while trying to watch a show or movie with my husband. Recently we’ve been moving “date night” to around 4 PM when we both have plenty of energy
Yes! 4pm movie night is right on the money. All my kids are in college now but I still need 8 hours of sleep.
This is my first time at this blog, but I think that comment should have been deleted and not even given the time of day. I read this other blog Mr. Money Mustache-he would have referred to her as a Complainypants. Sounds innocent enough but it exactly hits the nail on the head since Gina fits his example perfectly.
Blog on! I will be subscribing to this.
Meagan~ I LOVE your honesty on this…especially as someone who is finally in the process of listening to my body and getting more of the sleep I need. I HAVE been able to ‘live’ on the 3-4-5 hours of sleep a night, but not well. All of the ‘symptoms’ you experience when you don’t get enough sleep are ones I too share, but rather than prioritizing, I was ignoring in the name of ‘work’.
It is refreshing to see an example of how it can work when you CHOOSE to make it so. We have become a culture of go-go-go and it has been a huge challenge for me to make the adjustments in my schedule to listen to my body and respond as needed.
Thank you for this.
oh my gosh. 3 hours of sleep…the very idea makes me want to curl up in a corner and cry!
As someone who has children (1 with special needs), owns a successful company, has both worked from home and been primary care taker, and now commutes to work, I am unimpressed with arguments that suggest someone works so hard they don’t have time for a good 7-9 hrs of sleep. There are times in our lives (new infants, emergencies, etc) that sleep deprivation is definitely part of our lives, so I won’t criticize someone who says they aren’t getting enough sleep, but to suggest that someone who is getting 8 hours of sleep at night must be “puttering around” with not much to do, or that they don’t have much advice to give really kind of misses the point. Getting lots of sleep is exactly the point.
For a productive (in the long term) and healthy life, one MUST get good solid 7-9 hours of sleep. I insist on it. I insist on going to bed at 10pm and getting up at 6am, an absolute minimum of 7 1/2 hrs. Yet somehow I read at least book a week, make every meal every day for a family, keep a clean house, help kids with homework, play with my kids, volunteer at school, work a full time job and I’ve started a successful company and got a Ph.D.
It’s not in spite of getting a lot of sleep a night, it’s _because_ of it. If someone came to me for advice because they were working so hard they weren’t getting enough sleep my first and foremost piece of advice is GET MORE SLEEP. Sleep makes you healthy, it makes you productive. You’ll get more done during the day, if you sleep during the night. Don’t work harder, work smarter… and you start with sleep.
If someone tried to impress me with that they don’t sleep enough because they work so hard and have so much to do, it won’t work, I will not be impressed at all. Often it will mean they either haven’t figured out how to be productive or organized… or.. they aren’t getting enough sleep so they can be. What I’m impressed with is the person who gets lots of sleep and works and raises children.
(oh, and I also have a rule that I will NOT answer or even read work emails before 8am and after 6pm, nor on weekends and vacations unless I absolutely feel there is an emergency that needs attending to. I understand some professions can’t do that … i’m looking at doctors, nurses, on call jobs, firefighters, etc… )
Moral of this long thing: GET SLEEP
Trey, I love this whole post so much I want to print it and pass it out on street corners. You’re absolutely right. Getting enough sleep allows me to get more done and with a much better attitude. If I was trying to run on 5-6 hours consistently, I’d basically be a zombie. Alive, technically, and awake, technically, but mostly just bumping into walls and moaning.
Be my guest LOL
I agree. I also find myself with much much more patience and calm demeanor, like you. When our second kid came to the home, it was quite disruptive and I found myself losing sleep… and then having a shorter fuse… which caused more problems… which made me sleep less… a horrible non-virtuous cycle. I forced myself back to my normal schedule of 8 hrs of sleep, I am a much better person.
“And it’s not just this one comment that’s been nagging at me, but a general sense in our culture that the more you sacrifice on “leisurely” things like sleep, the more noble, busy, needed, worthy you somehow are.”
I think this is the real truth for me in your post. LIke another commenter said, I take heat for mentioning a book I’ve read from some friends, or the fact that I’m in a monthly book club and set time aside to be there each month. I love to read, and I love my friends. I can’t separate that from being a mom of little children. My husband and I will joke that there is no gold star at the end of the day for giving up who you are and what you enjoy! Our worthiness comes from within. If we are looking to others validation of our business/sleep deprived-ness/sacrifices made, we will never be fulfilled.
To the point of sleep- I need more than my husband, and I’m a lighter sleeper. So he gets up with our early risers at 6 and he “lets” me sleep until 7. He never holds it against me. It’s just our system.
Thanks for your post as always Meagan
Yes. There is no gold star. That is so well put, Cory! And I’m so glad that your husband, without judgment, gives you what you need. We have a similar arrangement in our house because we have very different sleep patterns.
You know what? As someone in the thick of the not-enough-sleep phase, I really WANT to hear about moms making sleep a self-care priority. It not only gives me hope for the future
, but it also sets an example for moms in the little years that this season will pass, and another will enter in which parenting is as much about being present and pleasant during the day as it is about being responsive and on-call during the night.
I also wonder why prioritizing sleep isn’t viewed in the same light as healthful eating or fitness or other forms of healthy living? Interesting…
I just cannot understand why this bothers you. It is about someone else’s sleep! I am sorry, but I do not understand. What if she sleeps for 15hours? Or 20? Why is it an issue and how does that make her less of a woman/mum?
The only reason I do not sleep for at least 10hours every night is because I have insomnia, not because I am a super mum/woman. I have been up since 6.30am today even though I couldn’t sleep until about 3am. I am tired, so going to do just what I can and not try to get every thing done-just the urgent/important. The rest can stay until I have managed some sleep and got some strength.
I just don’t see why this is an issue at all. Why one person’s ability to sleep/eat/lay about/fill in the gap bothers someone else.
Your post and all the comments have been invaluable to me. Recently I’ve been wondering what’s “wrong” with me. I’ve felt “off.” Unfortunately I haven’t been too kind with myself in the process of trying to figure it out.
I know my sleep hasn’t been great, but reading this today makes me realize that my sleep situation may be the cause of my general malaise. Thanks so much for addressing the sleep topic.
P.S. Gina’s comments may have been rude, but look at what a helpful discussion has ensued! Thanks, Gina! Have a great day (and night)!
Good point Jen! Leave it to Meagan to be able to turn something critical and negative into something beneficial for all of us.
Meagan, funny, because I’ve been thinking on and off about that post. It was really thought-provoking, and did hit a nerve. For me, it was a combination of your kids’ sleeping habits (you have a four-year-old who will sleep til 9:30 or 10???? Holy guacamole, I cannot even imagine!), and your kids’ school schedule (no busses in our district — I have to get mine to the gate by 8:25 and be there again at 2:55 for pickup). And then it’s difficult not to spiral into, “well, if MY kids would sleep like that, and had THAT school schedule, then I really could pursue my freelance writing career.” Etc.
The difference is that I know these are MY issues, not yours. I continually fight the tendency to fall into Martyr Momma Mode. It’s difficult for me to remember, sometimes, what I CAN control (how I spend my precious free time) and what I can’t (kids’ school schedule, naturally early risers). It’s something I’ve really been working on in the past year — not to fall into the compare, compare, compare spiral. I have to make the most of the realities of MY life, and not waste my time bemoaning what isn’t my reality. And I really do have a good life!
As a PP said, it’s clear that you’ve put a lot of time and energy into shaping your days. That, really, is the message I need to take to heart. Be proactive, prioritize, make it happen.
Erin, I totally hear you on Martyr Momma Mode. A few years back (gosh – I guess it was more like 6 years!) we lived in Chicago and the kids went to a private school -so, no bussing. My kids at the time were 18 months, 3 1/2, 7, and 9, and not only was I dealing with a toddler who had constant night terrors and often woke up screaming for 1-2 hours at night, but my mornings were NOTHING like they are now – I was up early, dealing with getting kids of multiple ages and stages ready, and then taking them to school. I believe the rule there might even have been that you had to take the kids inside, rather than just dropping them off (or maybe that was just the preschooler…it’s fuzzy) so that meant finding a parking spot on the street (during a very snowy Chicago winter) getting all the kids out, getting them in the building and then repeating the whole experience, in reverse, in the afternoon.
Edited to add that, that year, I took on a part-time out of the house job in addition to my freelancing so that we could afford the larger lifestyle costs of city living.
It was a really stressful year and I definitely didn’t have the same energy for creativity or just enjoying life that I do now.
And it was a big part of the reason we decided to move back to a small town…I just realized that there were some aspects of city living that were always going to be really challenging with a family, and as much as I loved Chicago the tradeoff wasn’t worth it.
I know not everyone is in a position where they can, or would, get up and move because they don’t like having to drive their kids to school
but for me it was an example of making a rather radical change in order to protect the kind of family/home life I wanted to create. (There were other issues with Chicago living, obviously, not just this one!)
That said, regardless of your kids’ sleep/school situation, there’s always that ebb and flow, right? Things get easier, then harder, then easier again. And I think it’s great that you’re self-aware enough to recognize that compare tendency (I think we all have it to some degree) and are working to make the most of your reality. Because it’s really all you’ve got, you know?
I was a single mom for eleven years and made sure I was in bed by 10. I would watch the news and then drift off to sleep. Wake up time was around 7. I worked full time and my kids were with me all the time. Their father was completely out of the picture. The dishes didn’t get done every day. The bathroom went long periods without a good cleaning. Stuff didn’t happen in my world that was important in other people’s worlds. And that was OK with me. Because I was a better mom when I had enough sleep.
My life has changed now. The nest emptied!!!! My working hours changed to earlier. But I still let some things slide to make sure I get my sleep. The DVR records all my shows so I can watch them at a more convenient time.
So sleep is my number one priority for taking care of me. Other people cannot function in life if there are dishes in their sinks. Or if they don’t have make-up on their faces. Or whatever.
I don’t think depriving you of something important is a badge to wear proudly.
I found your site about six months ago or so and love it! ! I work full time at night as a nurse so my sleep is often out of sync with my family and I often forgo needed sleep to spend time with them as my own choice. I was also a SAHM in the early years and my sleep was horrible then too! I am envious of the sleep you get and only wish I could fit that in my schedule but it’s not in the cards for me right now but you can bet when my schedule changes I will sleep like a “normal” person again.
I don’t see any badges being given out in the mom awards for who sleeps or who doesn’t so I’m wondering why this is such an issue. There is much research on the importance of sleep and in my work in the ICU we often see the delirium that sets in on our patients when we wake them up (as needed as the treatment may be) multiple times day and night. It seems to me if you are going to complain or belittle someone with a different schedule than yours it might mean you need to take a look at what is important in your own life and make changes where you can.
Thank you for sharing your writing with us.
I picked up on your sleep schedule in that post and it made me so so happy—that you were sharing that proper sleep is possibly as a super-successful working mother. I HATE the “busy Olympics”—I wish it were more socially acceptable to admit that we can care well for our kids and be successful in our jobs and still a) get enough sleep b) take care of our selves (SHOWER for gods sake, it can take 5 minutes!) and c) make (some) time for hobbies like reading. There is no prize at the end for The Biggest Martyr.
I absolutely can’t wait until my little one stops waking up overnight and then at 5:30 for the day so that I can get the 8ish hours I need to be best focused, productive, and most of all, calm with my family. Poor sleep=wasted hours trying to focus at work, yelling and snapping at my kids/husband, and then more wasted time on the guilt caused by said yelling/snapping. One extra hour of sleep could save me SO MUCH TIME elsewhere in life!
Oh my gosh, this is almost laughable. No, I take it back–it’d be funny if it weren’t actually happening. We are arguing, as if we don’t have enough to argue about, about if you’re “mom enough” based on how much sleep you get? My goodness. I’m solely with Meagan in the “need more sleep than most” category. Of course, I don’t always get it, but I’m a much better person when I can, so why wouldn’t I try??
Why are we having this conversation again?
Loved this post and the original day-in-the-life post. I find it fascinating to get a glimpse into how other mothers structure their days and appreciate when bloggers take the time to do those posts. Yay for getting enough sleep and for choosing what’s best for you and your family!
I am a full-time working mom of two. I wake up at 6:30 a.m. and am in bed watching TV by 9 p.m. and asleep by 10 p.m. I have time to go to the gym, keep a clean house and cook my family a home cooked meal for dinner. It requires planning and efficient management of time…period.
Megan, I work full time in a fairly high pressured position and have two small children. There is rarely a night I don’t get 8+++ hours of sleep. I need it. I am a better employee and mother for it. I also enjoy lots of regular exercise. But my house is often a complete pigsty and my meals are nutritious but quite plain and boring. Things have to give, and as someone who is a mom who works full time outside the house, I still prioritize sleep. And I always appreciate your perspective. And even though I don’t want to be a blogger and don’t work from home everyday, I really enjoyed your series on it and love the supportive role you play in other women’s lives. My good friend Sarah Powers once wrote, (I quote from memory, but it has stayed with me so I think I am close), “What if there were Mommy Wars and no one showed up to fight.” Amen.
I completely relate! Sleep has always been a priority for me. Family legend says I interrupted my first birthday party by putting my hands up to be picked up to nap. I have always gone to bed early, even when (college! high school!) it was a deeply unpopular habit. My friends learned to see it as one of my quirks.
Unlikely Gina, I tend to totally discount “this is my day” scenarios that involve going to sleep at midnight, because I cannot function and am no good to anyone if that is my daily life. Granted, I went through the newborn daze (and will again soon) but when I have control over my life, my number one “take care of myself” thing is sleep!
Thanks for sticking up for us sleepers! (8 -9 hours a night is the bomb!)
Meagan,
It’s amazing to me, how I have lashed out at others when they had what I wanted—but for some reason—I didn’t have. I justified my “situation” a 1,000 ways but the result was the same: If I don’t make the changes, nothing will change. And the first change I made was to focus on improving me.
I used to wear a super hero costume, and survive on no sleep, a poor diet of my children’s leftovers, wired from my 5th cup of coffee by 10 am. What I got was tired, resentful, and ANGRY. I lashed out. I isolated from “those” people (like Meagan) and spent more time with others just like myself. And together we all became MORE tired, more resentful, and more angry.
After I focused on myself (in spite of the people calling me selfish) I became healthier, happier, with more well-adjusted kids. No kidding.
Keep up the good work Meagan! And thank you, because without people like you inspiring others, we’d all be…sad.
Maybe those of us who get more sleep are just more efficient with our time and don’t need to stay up half the night to get everything done.
don’t feed the trolls shannon don’t feed the trolls shannon don’t feed the trolls shannon
I’m also in the kudos for making self care a priority! camp. Getting enough rest and taking a shower are the two things that allow me to be the mom I want to be on a daily basis. There are other things in my life that get shifted so that is the priority. Thanks for being a great example.
I have always wanted to be the kind of person who turns out the lights at 10 pm but the truth is that I just crave that alone time to finish up the odds and ends in the house (that probably don’t really matter, but just irk me if they aren’t done), read a book, watch TV. However, I know that I would be a more patient mom to my four kids, a more agreeable spouse, a more effective teacher, and a healthier person if I prioritized sleep over my evening me-time. One of the things that I love about Meagan’s blog in general and the reason that I return day after day is that she ALWAYS helps me to remember not to let perfect be the enemy of good, to keep my eye on the big picture, to put the happiness of myself and my family above the pressures that we always feel to keep up with the Joneses, etc. I think this issue is bigger than sleep (although, as Meagan reminded us, sleep IS a big issue). It’s about being true to our values and present in our lives instead of going through the motions and allowing our lives to be defined by expectations surrounding us which are neither realistic nor necessary.
Whoa!
Reminds me, that I took a nap the other day, my MIL called and woke me up and asked, “What’s wrong?” LOL. I have always been a huge napper.
I work outside the home and I very highly value my sleep. Because I value my sleep, I will not work insane schedules. I also never pulled an all-nighter in college. I would have physically been unable to.
Since having children, my sleep has gotten more efficient. I learned that I am a morning person. Maybe some of that comes with age. I find my children challenging because they don’t need near the amount of sleep that I do. Now that they are older, I usually go to bed before they do. I often nap on the weekends to make up for lost time. I did NOT enjoy the baby years, but I learned I could function with less sleep than I thought imagineable. Terribly dangerous, for both my own health and my children’s safety, and not anything I would strive for (or be proud of) in the long run. (I saw an article a while back about parents and sleep deprivation that was horrifying, yet it didn’t surprise me at all).
I have always found that if sleep is the priority, that everything else falls into place. I am also crazy efficient with my time, which I probably learned in years of juggling school and several jobs. If I had to sum up my approach versus most other moms, I notice that we seem way better at prioritizing. The general reaction is that I have everything together and clearly do *everything.* The reality? I am more willing to accept help and put my basic needs first. I don’t find I even do a fraction of the things that the other working moms project onto me. They are imagining I am doing 100 or so chores that I am simply not doing. I love that “Hierarchy of Cleaning” post Megan had a while back. I thought, “That explains it!” We are clean, our clothes are clean, the dishes are clean, and dinner is made every night in our house. But really freaking everything else is just not that important. I cut a lot of corners. I don’t even think I am overly organized. I am learning better organization with time and age – always room to improve and makes life easier.
Wow! Who knew this was such a controversial topic?!
I have been reading your blog for a few months now, Meagan, and I just felt the need to give some encouragement and positivity. I do find your writing and sharing to be extremely valuable to me personally.
I am a new mom, but I know how sleep quality and quantity can ebb and flow, based on the (ever-changing) needs of the family. Any so-called “privilege” that your schedule allows is a direct result of the hard work that you have put into designing a lifestyle that best suits your needs. And it is evident that you work hard, and most of us know that your motive is not to “impress” anybody.
I am not sure why this is so upsetting to some…or why they chose to be so negative with their opinions. Try not to let the haters get you down.
I am literally SO CONFUSED as to why you’d be upset about how much sleep someone else gets.
Literally.
Confused.
Well, I suppose I see both sides of this. First of all, I thought the woman commenting (Gina) was pretty condescending. The way that she engaged was not kind or constructive – it was petulant, “holier-than thou” and pretty mean-spirited and I think that was reflected in the support that Meagan received and the lack of support for Gina’s position. It’s unfortunate though, it was a missed opportunity, because there was a good deal of legitimacy to some of what Gina was saying that probably got overlooked. I also believe that getting enough sleep is not realistic for many many full time working parents, myself (and my husband) included. I do think that, to some extent, it is a priviliged response to suggest that someone just, “make time.” If I could figure out how to make time, I would be living so many dreams (and taking so many naps, lol) that somehow, no matter how hard I work, I never seem to get around to in real life. And, as someone who wants more than anything for my life to slow down (and who never manages to get enough sleep no matter how hard I work or how efficient I try to be) I admit that I felt that twinge of “failure” reading about how another person is able to work, be a mom, maintain a house, exercise and still find time to sleep. It didn’t make me want to criticize, but it did make me feel a little sad that my own experience is so far from what Meagan described that I can’t even see “there” from “here”.
On the other hand I fully agree that it is important for people to sleep, to recreate, to have time alone, time with family, couples time, just…to have time. I was just talking to a (male, childless) colleague the other day about my struggle to find a work/life balance that doesn’t leave me sick, exhausted, and feeling guilty, and as a response to our conversation he sent me an article touting what successful CEO’s do to be more efficient. The article was heartbreaking. Along with “get less sleep, you can sleep when you’re dead”, the article shared such gems of wisdom as, “maximize off hours – go in on Saturday, work after dinner, skip kid’s afterschool activities,” and, “hire someone to do non-productive domestic work.” Not only was the advice absolutely useless to someone who was struggling to live a life based on quality and intention, it clearly underscored the disconnect between the values of the business community that many of us depend on for sustenance, and the values of parents and families. It was crystal clear that the work that parents do is not valued. It is this disconnect, and this lack of recognition of the importance of the hours that we spend outside of the office, that I believe makes things so difficult for parents (especially mothers) who work outside of the home. That conflict is real, and although I don’t agree with Gina’s tone and attitude, I am equally saddened at the number of responses that are basically in the vein of, “just make time, if it is important you’ll find a way.” Geez, no pressure or anything.
Anyway, I don’t know what the solution is. I do know that a lot of us have to work to survive, and that flexibility and control over our schedules is not everyone’s reality. And while I hold no ill-will or malice toward Meagan or anyone who is able to work from home or stay at home with their kiddos, I do agree with Gina that, like many child-rearing blogs from wahm/sahm’s, the original post held little in the way of realistic, workable solutions for those of us who are struggling to do well at everything simultaneously, not because we want to but because we have to out of economic necessity.
If anyone wants to write a post talking to us about how we can be exceptional parents, good housekeepers, loving and engaged partners, good friends and community members, successfully slow down our lives, pursue personal development, get enough sleep and NOT go into financial crisis, that is a post I’ve been dying to read. I consider myself a reasonably smart and accomplished person, but no matter how hard I try, I can’t figure out a realistic, workable solution for this one. And if I sound grumpy or less-than-articulate, it’s because I was up making lunches, processing and canning tomatoes, feeding animals, and washing dishes until after midnight, and I had to get up at 5:30 for work this morning.
Whoops – edited because I got your name wrong! LEILA, thank you for your well-reasoned and thoughtful response. I realize that my position is far from yours and that it must be frustrating to hear what sounds like pat advice from somebody whose life doesn’t resemble yours at all. For what it’s worth, I’ve never claimed to understand how to have all the things you describe – how to be “exceptional parents, good housekeepers, loving and engaged partners, good friends and community members, successfully slow down our lives, pursue personal development, get enough sleep and NOT go into financial crisis.”
In fact, I’ve been pretty vocal about the fact that I’m not sure it’s possible. So this is the path I’ve worked for instead. I’m not exceptional at much, frankly, except perhaps writing long-winded blog posts
I’m a good-enough parent, a good-enough housekeeper, a decent friend to a very limited circle of people, an imperfect wife, an inconsistent community member, and just now starting to get the hang of handling my finances.
In spite of all of my failing to be exceptional, however, I do feel like I’m living an exceptional life.
It’s possible your expectations of yourself are just too high. When people say that you should “just make time” to sleep, I don’t think they are necessarily blowing off your very real concerns, or failing to understand where you’re coming from. It’s possible that they know exactly what you’re struggling with, that they’ve been there themselves, and realized that the toll on their own health and wellbeing was too high.
Hi Meagan. Of course, I agree, you never claimed to know all of those things. I don’t think anyone does, lol, and my post was definitely not meant as criticism, but rather to open a discussion about something I struggle with. I guess my point was that all of the things I listed – being a good parent, being a good spouse, being a good friend, being a responsible and engaged citizen are all so very important (notice I left out housekeeping, ha ha), and all of them are endeavors that are not valued highly enough by the society that we find ourselves in today (along with health, personal growth, time for reflection…I could go on and on, lol). I feel overextended and exhausted. I won’t hide that truth. But I also feel conflicted, because I am deeply committed to all of those things listed above, and I don’t want to give them up. Those are the things that bring true meaning to my life, not going into an office (although the work that I do as a natural resource professional is also critically important.) The truth is that I would rather not be working, because there is so much important work out there that no one feels responsible for, and that lack of attention has serious long-term repercussions for our families, our communities, our nation and the world as a whole.
I see that our lives are insular now, mostly out of necessity, but I also see that this way of living is damaging, both to society and to our families. I do understand that we have personal obligations, but I also believe those obligations extend to each other.
I guess what is really stressful, and bothersome, is that there is so much need in the world. Foster kids and orphans and women who are suffering abuse at the hands of their partners need us. Fat kids, and bullies, and the people whose lives have been shaped by hardness and tragedy and loss need us. Forests need us, oceans need us, the ecosystems and natural communities and populations of species that are being pushed out of existence as a result of our material appetites and our apathy need us. And on top of all of those things, we need to make a living and that is very difficult and consumes increasingly more time and energy.
Lol, so I guess this has gone off topic and I apologize. What I’m trying to say is that being a parent, a spouse, a friend, and a good citizen are all important, and while I do understand the need for self-care intellectually, in practice my experience is that there is a very fuzzy line between protecting one’s sanity and turning one’s back on others who legitimately need our help and energy. While I fully realize one person can’t save the world, I also struggle with the knowledge that each and every one of us have an obligation, as a member of the human race, to do what we can, whenever an opportunity presents itself. And let’s face it, those opportunities present themselves endlessly. I find it very tough, to constantly feel that urgency and be left with only so much energy and hours in the day. It feels like no matter how much I (or we collectively) accomplish, we are still falling behind at a dizzying rate, not only in our own lives but collectively on a global scale. And that, too, I feel responsible for, because whatever we don’t fix today, our children inherit tomorrow. It’s really a conundrum…I get exhausted just thinking about it *yawn*. :0)
Ah, thank you – I think I see better where you’re coming from now. You’re right. Globally, even locally, there is so very much to be done, and so much need. I struggle with this even as I am now facing having more time available to me to volunteer – does it really make sense for me to devote energy to my (pretty organized and affluent) community when the need elsewhere is so much greater? On the other hand, is it right to benefit from living in a community that offers so much, without giving back? I feel like every choice I make poses a possible conundrum like that.
Here’s how I look at it: life is long. I’ve been living in the cocoon of motherhood with young children for a while, and during that time I think it is totally ok – natural, even – to turn your focus inward. As you pointed out, raising children (to be compassionate, kind, thoughtful) is an important job and I think it’s totally valid to focus your efforts and energy there during this brief period.
After this I’ve got decades ahead of me, when my money, time, and energy will be freed up to think more globally. At the same time I think that acting in smaller ways also makes an impact. If you come here and engage in a thoughtful, kind discussion about the things that matter to you, you’ve made an impact. If I post something that helps a mom feel better about the job she’s doing, I’ve made an impact. There are a lot of ways to make an impact.
RE: self-care – to me that’s like putting the oxygen mask on first before you help others. You can’t run yourself into the ground and still be of use to anyone.
But in reading your posts it strikes me that what brings you true happiness and a sense of purpose is the idea of helping people on both a small and a large scale. It sounds like you, quite literally, want to change the world, as your calling in life. Your words speak so strongly of that conviction. And the problem – what I think you’re running up against – is that it’s really hard to do the intense hard work of changing the world while also being a ‘normal’ person with a day job who is supposed to care about all the trappings of normal life.
Which is why most of us don’t, right? We get caught up in the day to day lives that seem to matter instead.
I don’t have answers, but I’m glad you posted this. Something in your words is telling me that you would be happiest making truly radical changes to do this important work – you know, the kind of things that would make your neighbors call you a weirdo. But I think the rest of us have roles to play, too, on a smaller scale, and those can matter too. Feeling helpless might be the worst thing, because if we feel like we’re helplessly drowning in these big problems, then it’s too overwhelming to consider what we might be able to do.
You’re too nice, Leila. This person is here with this blog and this gaggle of SAHMS are all like, just make time. It *should* make you mad. I am high energy and I have the energy and drive to call someone out. I’m not going to dance around it or act like someone’s so great. I’m tired of SAHMS being like, it’s soooo hard to take care of my 14 kids! Reality check! And just like Meagan thinks people who are busy are boasting about all they do, personally, I read lots of these as boasts about how simple and easy their lives are. Of course they’re simple and easy…you work for yourself part time! I used to do that and it was simple and easy, but I never though to give advice on time management or balance to people and expect to be taken seriously. It’s laughable, really.
Your hypocritical comments are the ones that are laughable, Gina. At least they would be, if the jealousy, anger and bitterness behind them weren’t so sad. First of all, many of the people who came here to comment are not SAHMs (I’m not), and none of them have 14 kids, and if they did, yes it is so hard to take care of 14 kids. It’s also hard taking care of 5 kids. But it seems that you don’t want to hear that it’s hard, and you also don’t want to hear that people’s lives are simple and easy. You are more interested in insulting others in order to make yourself feel better. It’s one thing to disagree with someone, but it’s another thing to be mean-spirited about it.
Hi Gina. I don’t think I am “too nice”. This “gaggle” of women are a group of mothers, every one of them doing the important work of teaching and raising the next generation, those folks who will inherit the world with all of its beauty, challenges and problems. The work that parents do is hard, and it is made even tougher when so many out there believe, as you do, that taking care of children is not difficult or important work. I believe these mothers, and all mothers, deserve our respect and gratitude. This is only my opinion, but I don’t think there is anything virtuous or really even impressive about “calling someone out,” as you say. Too many in the world are under the false impression that criticizing the shortcomings of others makes them look better or smarter or more accomplished or more knowledgeable, when in reality it only reveals their own shortcomings as a human being.
Well-said Leila. Truth be told, my life and schedule looks more like yours (and Gina’s) than the other SAHMs and WAHMs here. It is tough to juggle demands and schedules for sure, especially holding down full time (corporate) jobs.
I also know that motherhood is difficult, no matter what your path is. Challenges of an at-home mom may look a whole lot different. But that does not make the challenges any less valid.
I think what is off-putting to some about Gina’s comments are that they appear to be motivated by disdain, judgement and negativity. Leila – I thought you did a beautiful and thoughtful job of verbalizing the counter-point in a respectful way. And THAT is how we have meaningful conversations that help us understand differences, all while uplifting and encouraging one another.
Insulting or “calling out” others is not productive. There is just really no need for that. Calling somebody less-than does not make you more-than. Like Leila said, it more so reveals the shortcomings of the person doing the calling out.
Here’s a quick reply to answer your quandry about doing everything well simultaneously. YOU CAN’T. Who says you have to be a good housekeeper? Why not a good enough housekeeper? Why, at your stage in life, do you feel you have to be a good community member? Do that when the kids are older. As far as personal development, once you have kids, that has to wait till they are older. It’s just the way it is. And why on earth are you processing and canning tomatoes? Buy them for pity’s sake!
Many of the things that you list in your comments are CHOICES. When my kids were younger, I chose to lead a very boring, kid and work-centric life that was completely devoid of reading (except children’s books) and personal development. It was also devoid of making lunches, because I decided from day one that if I was going to be a mother who worked outside the home, then some of that money was going toward making my life easier by having them buy lunch at school. Probably packed about 10 lunches in 12 years of school.
I only started watching TV again about two years ago only to realize what a wasteful time suck it really is. And I’ve probably only read 5 books in the 17 years I’ve had children. But my son is a senior in high school this year and will be heading off to college next year. My younger son is a freshman, and my husband and I are looking at being empty nesters in 4 years with all of the time in the world to do the things we’ve had to put off for so long.
So choose to simplify your life now because, although it doesn’t seem like it, you will have more time than you know what to do with when the kids get older.
oh, as i have an infant, a 3yo recovery from surgery who sleep talks/night terrors, and a 5yo so excited about kindergarten she gets up at the crack of dawn, and a part time job (i have child care for the older ones, but take the infant to work with me) can i just say i LOVE knowing that SOMEDAY my children will be old enough that if i allot 8 hours of my day to sleep i might get that much, instead of allotting 10 hours and averaging less than 7.
Words of truth Meagan, words of truth. Ever since becoming a mom, I try to get a nap in everyday (kids are 4, 2, and baby). I become totally irrational otherwise and prone to snap. I know friends who stay up late cleaning, cooking, doing hobbies, reading, etc. But I just can’t. I need to sleep, and I LOVE the feeling of actually being awake. Without caffeine.
I had to laugh that the comment made you mad, because YOU are the one with the profitable blog, not her.
Megan, I respect the intelligent way you have been responding to this criticism but I have one thing to say to you: You don’t owe Gina, or anyone else for that matter, an apology or explanation for how you live your life.
This blog is one of the few I read because you do such an incredible job of seeing reason and acknowledging that we are all different. Not once have I ever read an article here and felt like it was telling me I should be like you. You didn’t write a post about your day under the auspice of “Hey, everyone! Your day should look exactly like mine!!!”
I’m a freelance musician and SAHM, two things which some people will never, ever be convinced are work, and I’ve gotten to a point where I refuse to apologize for having the life I want. Yes, I am fortunate. So what? I’m not going to go through life feeling bad about that nor am I going to seek the approval of people who are unable to order their lives in a way that makes them happy. I’m not responsible to or for them.
So yay for being happy and healthy!
Thanks, Beth. I’m not so much worried about explaining or defending myself as just making sure I’m understood, you know? I know what it’s like to be unhappy and feel stuck as a mom for a variety of reasons…and while I’m not going to apologize for the fact that I’ve moved past it, I also know it’s easy for those feelings to make it hard to see past today’s problems and work toward creating something better for yourself. That said…of course it stings to be criticized so I’d be lying if I said it doesn’t bother me.
Meagan, I know it’s easier said than done, but please don’t let the criticisms of a sad, jealous person bother you. In her most recent comment she revealed that her vendetta isn’t just against you, it’s against stay-at-home moms in general (and she defines that term pretty loosely). The criticisms of someone who thinks it’s easy to raise 5 kids really can’t be taken very seriously. Unfortunately, it’s going to take a lot more than good quality sleep to resolve her issues. You are to be commended for your polite and charitable responses to her rude and mean-spirited comments. If I had a blog and she graced me with that same type of behavior, I would have ceased to give her a platform a long time ago. In the past I’ve seen other commenters who have disagreed with you and who have done so respectfully, and I recall disagreeing with you on at least one occasion (your dislike for the mobile toddler stage comes to mind!). But this is a whole different ballgame.
Well, I can certainly understand how someone who works as hard as you obviously do bristles at the insinuation you arrived at your current position out of privilege and sheer luck. For me, I’ve decided I’m not going to participate in the “My Life Is Worse Than Yours” competition because seriously, who on earth would want to win that? Like sleep deprivation, it’s a badge of honor I don’t care to have!
We’ve all been through hard times and no ones life is at it appears on the surface. I have tremendous empathy for Moms who are struggling because I’ve had times when basic self care, like enough sleep, was an impossibility. Like the year my second son was born and my husband spent 50-plus days in the hospital for four brain surgeries, developing a life threatening infection after the second. Oh, and the baby spent six months of that waking 4-12 times a night. That wasn’t fun. And almost everyone has experienced some difficulty like that in their lives.
When I say my life is set up how I want it to be, a lot of that is that I’ve learned to accept the parts that are less than ideal rather than have a pity party and be snarky to others who I think have it better. Honestly, my professional situation kind of sucks in a lot of ways but it is what it is. Yes, I’m incredibly lucky my husband has a job that supports us but the flip side is I pretty much have no earning power. But as a parent I feel one of the most important lessons I can teach my boys is that you ALWAYS have a choice in terms of how happy you are with your life. And sometimes that choice is choosing how you are going to deal with a less than ideal situation you can’t control. Being jealous, snarky, and critical of other people only tears down your happiness and it’s not worth it.
Hi! Loved your post!
I’m curious what time your kids all go to bed and wake up? I would love to get more sleep, but my oldest (who is 10) goes to bed at 9:00pm and my youngest (who is 2) wakes up around 6:00am every morning. So, even if I lay right down and fall asleep immediately after saying goodnight to my 10-year old… the most sleep I could get is 8.5 hours… and that leaves ZERO child-free time from the time I get up, to the time I go to bed? When do you pack lunches, go through mail, tidy up the kitchen/living room, read through kids school-related info, pay bills, talk to your partner, just take some quiet time for yourself to read or relax, etc? I need that 1-1.5 hours to do all of that every evening and then I end up with < 8 hours of sleep. Every night. UGH.
So, how’s this for irony, Tracy? I’ve been so busy tonight reading all these comments that I’m going to bed more than an hour later than usual. :/ One night only!
First of all, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with sending your 10 year old to bed early so that you can go to bed or just get some quiet time to yourself. My younger kids head to bed around 8, but they are allowed to read or talk quietly in their rooms until 9. I did the same when I was a kid and I remember really enjoying that peaceful time alone in my room before I fell asleep. In my mind, once I say “goodnight” to my kids at 8…I’m off mom duty (though of course they may still wander down for a drink of water or another hug, or whatever.)
I really try not to save any of the tasks you describe for evenings. Mostly because I am starting to get sleepy and I really don’t want to deal with things like lunch packing or paying bills when I’m tired/grumpy. I pack lunches while I’m prepping dinner (I have to be in the kitchen anyway and there is usually at least 10 – 15 minutes of downtime while I’m waiting for the water to boil or whatever.) Post-dinner clean-up happens right after we finish eating, and it’s a family affair – I definitely don’t do it all myself. Of course, I have teens, but my older boys were doing the dishes by the time they were 7 and 9 years old. I can usually count on the kitchen being clean before the kids head to bed.
I usually pay bills on the weekend (I like to take care of that kind of thing over my cup of tea on Saturday mornings, it just feels relaxed and low-pressure) and I don’t usually have more than 5 minutes worth of school papers and mail to deal with.
I guess the one thing I’d say is that these mostly sound like things that can be incorporated into other parts of your day, maybe times when you have more energy and can involve the kids, or even do them while the kids are playing around you or in another room. I used to save lunch packing for the evenings, and it made me SO grumpy and made what is a pretty simple, five-minute task feel like a much bigger deal than it is. I finally decided that, unless I really HAVE to, I’m not going to expect myself to do anything that requires brain power after 8:30 or so! I’m not at my best then, so it’s really not a good time for me to be handling any tasks…household or otherwise. Plus, I need downtime like anyone else.
If preserving quiet time at night is important to you – and I don’t blame you for that! – I would take an honest look at my morning, afternoon and early evening and see if there are pockets of time where I could work those things in. And send your oldest to bed early if you want! I promise you would not be the only one
I hope that helps. I know it’s not always easy to figure out how to fit everything in.
Just to be clear, I am not jealous, maybe some people are, but not me. I like my life and I don’t think getting up at 6 or 630 and going to be at 11 or 1130 then is really overextending myself. I think it’s NORMAL. Meagan herself says she has always needed more sleep than typical. Just because I, and other working moms, don’t say goodbye to our school age kids from bed at 715, take an hour and a half to make dinner and hang out at the gym for 2 hours in the middle of the day doesn’t mean WE’RE the pathologically extending ourselves. I get now that the original post may not have been meant to be a lesson in juggling or managing work/life balance but more of a “celebrity” ; ) slice of life kind of thing. I stumbled into a world that’s just not mine. I do wonder how you’re going to pay for all those kids’ education and set them up for good lives, but I know you crafty homey mom types always manage to find a way.
You didn’t stumble. You came here intentionally because you were bored, and your idea of entertainment is to insult people and twist their words around in order to make yourself feel better. Smells of jealousy to me. (By the way, work on your reading comprehension: the original post was not about a celebrity slice of life, it was to give ideas to other moms who are considering pursuing a career in blogging which, by the way, generates income to set kids up for good lives.)
Yes Gina you appear to have stumbled in to a world thats just not yours as you say, and thats fine. If however you stumbled into a group of other parents in real life, say at a school function, or the playground, would you really be so condescending and rude to them and insult them right to their face as you have done here from behind your keyboard?
The thing is you could very well have had a valid point, but you are just being a bully and a coward with your email to Meagan, it was short sharp and down right nasty. And you have continued in the same tone in response to Meagans post here. Could you not have apologised for your lack of manners and tried to eloquently get your point across?
Meagan has certainly given you the chance to be heard here, and it seems you have wasted the opportunity. You are continuing to attack a group of women, the SAHMs, with your snide little jabs in these comments, and I personally think that is outrageous, we are all Moms and we all spend time at home and or in the workforce, how can you think every SAHM is the same? Some of us are more “privileged” than Meagan and some are less, but I really think this has become more about treating people with respect and supporting each other as parents.
Clearly this blog isn’t for you, I would suggest then, for the good of your own happiness that you simply move on to something else that resonates better with your values. Surely that would be a better use of your time then starting fights here. You have hit a nerve here with lots of readers just like the post in question has hit a nerve with you, and it seems like that’s what you wanted, to make people feel the emotions you felt when you read Meagans words, perhaps you should see a Dr about that
Lastly, I don’t share your opinion, I don’t think there is one NORMAL way for everyone to sleep and that’s all I’m going to say on that side of it. I don’t think people who show such little respect deserve a polite, or any, response to their comments.
Bonbons. You forgot the bonbons us WAHM bloggers eat all day. If you’re going to troll, at least troll properly.
I’ve been a full-time working 2 jobs mom with 2 kids and a full-time SAHM homeschooling (still working part-time) with 3+ (about 6 weeks left until #4 arrives) and I need sleep to function. We don’t sign up and/or participate in events that take out of the house into the evening hours. We don’t watch tv. The kids go to bed by 8 pm (hubby and I by 9 pm). I know how much sleep I need to function well – and if I don’t function well, we all suffer! It’s what we have constructed so that we can be and do our best at this time in our lives. We’ll changed it if and when we need to. I’m not sure why this is such an issue. It’s what I expect others to do – you know, being adults and all. Do what you need to do to function well in your circumstances and I’ll do the same.
Amen!!! Thank you for posting this! It feels so good to hear encouragement that it is OK to go to bed “early” and get up “early”. I don’t want to be a walking zombie every day and be on edge with my daughter and husband. Not the kind of life for me…thanks again. This was such a feel good read!
I should have read through all the comments BEFORE commenting! Haha, to add to my previous post…I am not a SAHM…I work 30 miles from home, 12 hour shifts and still manage to get 8 hrs of sleep a night. I totally agree, it’s all about priority and self care!
“I work 30 miles from home, 12 hour shifts and still manage to get 8 hrs of sleep a night.”
Riiiiiiiiight!
Okay, Gina, I tried to be nice, but your abusiveness has gotten old. I’ve blocked your IP addresses and if you somehow thwart the system I’ll just delete, so don’t bother.
Everyone else, thank you for the civil discourse.
I work full time, outside of the house. As does my husband, who often works more than 8 hours a day, and attends night school. I clean my own house, make most all our dinners from scratch, and even make my own cereal. I spend my evenings cleaning, preparing food for the next day, and reading. I go to bed around 10, and wake up around 6:30 – 7. But I don’t watch television during the week, and I don’t let my kid watch television during the week, and I don’t spend much time on the internet when I’m at home. I save that for my lunch breaks. So, it can be done. I’m surprised about the visceral reaction you received, Megan, and I think it’s a shame. One thing I’ve learned about being a (working) mother is not to judge the way other people parent, in the expectation that they will not be judging me.
Well said, Meeghan. That’s what I love about this blog. It is a non-judgmental atmosphere that is supportive of all types of parenting styles.
wow, if anything I admire you. I work outside the home, run a blog & a business. I’m looking for ways to get MORE sleep. I have to make myself go to bed most nights, leaving many things undone. I have come to learn that if I don’t get enough sleep, I do not function well. For me it has become a balancing act. How to get the least amout of effective sleep that will allow me proper rest. My magic number appears 7hrs.
I’ve been saying this for years! Even in college, I went generally went to bed at 10. You are right on.
THe Frugal girl linked to this post, and I came over to read it. I can’t agree with you more about the importance of sleep. Dr. Archibald Hart has a great book about how necessary a good night’s sleep is for so many aspects of our lives. It is such a shame that so many men and women in our culture are almost proud of their lack of sleep. And yes, there are choices to be made. Sometimes there are situations in which you can’t get around lack of sleep, but if they seem to be permanent situations, it’s time to re-evaluate one’s life, career, priorities, etc.
Sleep is huge. Don’t let anyone tell you differently.
“Little schedule” she’s a mother of five! Good Lord. This Gina person, is crying out for help. I feel for her. What she doesn’t understand is that it actually takes discipline to get enough sleep for yourself. It’s not always easy to stop what I am doing or engaged in at 8:30pm and begin our time-for-bed routine, but I do it, so that I can get enough sleep in order to perform better the next day. Gina doesn’t have a clue about health and well-being, she wants a reward and pat on the back for stringing herself out…she’s not going to get one here. Time to take your negativity to bed G.
I also came over here from the frugal girl’s website. I also need my sleep, as does the rest of my family. It is a top priority and I don’t get into the busyness contest with people. I have no desire to win that contest.
The conversation in the comments here has been very interesting. But the truth is, not one of us owes an explaination to anyone other than those we are legally bound to. I learned long ago, that as long as my husband and I are on the same page, and my kids are happy and healthy and well cared for, I don’t need to explain myself to anyone else in this world and I won’t do it anymore.
Um…me too. I came over from TFG, I agree, if your family is all on the same page what does it matter.. I am not aware of any competitions on sleep or lack of sleep awards.
Sleep to all my family members is very important, to me one of the most important. I don’t function very well on less than 9 hours, so I plan my days (and nights) accordingly.
You’re pretty average, Meagan, at 8.5 hours. The average American woman gets 8.86 hours per day, according to the American Time Use Survey: http://www.bls.gov/news.release/atus.t01.htm . The ATUS is the best conducted survey we have that uses the time diary method, as opposed to just asking people how much they sleep (which is prone to all sorts of biases).
The average employed mom with kids under age 6 sleeps 8.48 hours per night, per the American Time Use Survey. There isn’t actually an epidemic of sleep deprivation — at least not one that would affect the average — but people like to claim there is. I guess it’s what you get at — some people feel more worthy complaining about a lack of sleep. They’re outliers.
Laura, this is so interesting. So why the “sleep epidemic” warnings from supposedly reliable sources like the CDC? What value is there in creating a scare around a problem that doesn’t exist?
I have found it very interesting that so many of the moms who’ve responded to this post and in the FB group are getting at least 8+ hours, or expect to return to that once they’re out of the baby stage. Going by what you’ve shared here, it seems like that would be a pretty accurate sample of how the population in general really sleeps. But then, when I’m out in the world/social media, etc, I feel like all anyone talks about is how little sleep they get! I’ve always felt like a weirdo for no reason!? LOL
There may be issues with sleep quality. Also, some people are certainly sleep deprived. And some get more than enough — that’s why an average comes out as it does! So the CDC may be highlighting the percent of the population that is sleep deprived and noting the physical harm that comes from that, but that doesn’t mean that everyone, or anywhere close to a majority of people, is sleep deprived.
As for the social media phenomenon, this is just human nature. We remember the bad stuff better than the good stuff. So you don’t talk on social media about the night you got 8 hours of sleep (except for you! That’s why you got such a response to this post!). People talk about the awful night where someone was up late with one kid, woke up with a toddler in the middle, and another kid earlier than she wanted in the morning. You see a similar phenomenon with investment bankers talking about their workweeks — “you worked 80 hours? 80 hours is my light season!” It’s not true, but we are competitive, and using hours devoted to something becomes a proxy for sharing the reality that life feels challenging at times.
Wow. Well said. I’m a total dummy when I don’t get my full-night’s sleep. Like you said, I can do the whole 5-hours of sleep thing for a few nights, but I do become increasingly more stupid as the days go on. I’m not a good mom when I don’t get sleep. (My working hours vary and shift from AM to PM, but I do my best to find a way to make sure I get enough sleep).
I do some seriously dumb things when I am sleep deprived (e.g., forgetting to turn off curling iron and then thankfully remembering later in the day)…I can’t trust my memory anymore though – it’s not worth it when I have a family that is counting on me.
I just jumped over here from The Frugal Girl and I gotta say, this is some fascinating reading. Megan, like you, I get what some might consider a lot of sleep each night (7-8 hours ALWAYS). And I work outside the home with a husband who works shift work, and two teenage sons. Imagine that! I manage to get into bed by 10 most nights, and some nights I’m even snugged in at 9:30. I try to be asleep by 10:30 latest so I can drag my sorry butt out of bed by 6:15 the next morning. On weekends, I could sleep 10 hours easy, and I often do.
I have always loved and needed alot of sleep. So that has been a top priority for me, perhaps to the detriment of having the perfect house or everything organized, etc. But my kids are happy and I’m a better parent, like you, when I get my sleep. I suffered many years getting up in the middle of the night with my boys and I get very cranky if now I have even one night of interrupted sleep. Doesn’t mean I won’t get up if they really need me (are sick or something) but if they can’t sleep, that’s not my problem. Also, if I didn’t need to be at the office by a certain time, I would totally yell goodbye to them from my bed. My mother did it to me, and I turned out just fine.
When my boys were first born, and quite frankly, straight through till they were about 10 or 11 (they’re now 17 and 14), the minute they were in bed for the night, my husband and I were right behind them. When they were still tiny infants getting up 3 or 4 times each night to eat, I would put them down at 7 or 8 and then go to bed right after. There really wasn’t any “grown up” time for me and my husband, simply because we were too tired. And by going to bed at 7:30 or 8, even knowing that I would likely be awake at midnight for a feeding, I was at least getting 8 hours of sleep each night, albeit in 2 to 3-hour chunks. I was actually IN BED for 12 hours, even though I was sleeping for 8. I could never understand how anyone could wait till 11 or midnight after that supposed “last feeding of the night” to go to bed. For me, 8 was the last feeding. Getting up at midnight was a middle-of-the-night feeding.
Anyway, I’ve sacrificed alot by going to bed early. I haven’t really read a book in a long time, and for years I just didn’t watch any TV past 8:30 pm. But it sure beats being tired and sleepy and cranky all day. Being able to function in the office for 8 hours is very important, because that’s how I earn my living, and my employer doesn’t allow naps on the job. I sure wish they would though; I’d be all over that.
I believe that you can work outside the home, have a few kids, and still get 8 hours of sleep each night. You’ve just got to be prepared to sacrifice something else. And I’d give up just about anything before I’d sacrifice my sleep. In fact, when I hear that people are staying up till 11 or midnight because they’ve got too much to do, I just figure they have bad time management skills, or possibly a spouse who isn’t home enough or who doesn’t do his/her share. And if that’s the case, then that’s a whole different set of problems.
I’d love to see Gina’s schedule to determine just why it is that she’s not getting to bed earlier…
If Meagan chooses to post this, here’s my schedule. I never said I didn’t get enough sleep. Meagan extrapolated that to serve her purpose of a blog about sleep. She said she couldn’t keep her eyes open come 830 or 9 and I thought that was a little odd for someone with such a non-demanding schedule, based on her own description. I was just pretty surprised (not sure why) by her schedule. I guess even though I work out of the home maybe I am a more hands-on mom who spends more focused time with my kid than some with multiple kids (?)
I mean all of you with multiple kids who get so much sleep, do you play with your kids? Do you read to them or with them 20 minutes a day like you’re supposed to (I know some have older kids, but….many don’t) Maybe you think you’re doing it all, but maybe you’re missing some things!
6 or 630 wake up and work out for a half hour to hour depending on when I get up
700 shower, dress
715 kid up, I make her breakfast and hang out with her, maybe read a little with her or play, maybe send some emails or get a jump on my work day before going in, pack her lunch, do the breakfast dishes, put any dishes away that are left over from husband the night before, general tidying
840 take kid to school (yes, that’s a long time of hanging out in the morning, but school doesn’t let them come til 850) and dash off to work
10 – 630 pm work, sometimes during my lunch I will work out again, my commute is by train so I get to read
730 arrive home, husband will have picked kid up from aftercare (she’s only there for about 1.5 hours after school in a sports program) and gave her dinner, I’ll grab a quick dinner if I’m hungry and hang out with her and the husband, more reading with her, maybe playing, if we have time, go through school papers (there’s not much as she’s still little), help get her ready for bed, I lay down with my kid while she falls asleep for a maximum of 30 minutes (I read my Kindle during this time) then I leave the room to spend some time with my husband, this is usually by 900
900 – 1100 my husband and I will hang out, sometimes watch TV or movies, sometime “do it”, if watching TV or movie I’m not that into I may do more office work from home if I have a lot going on, sometimes I’ll stay up later if there’s more office work to do, but usually am in bed by 1100 and would sleep then or read til I fall asleep at 1130 or so
So…I get between 6.5 and 7 hours of sleep (unless there’s a lot of office work) and that works for me! But my kid gets a lot of attention and I have a pretty serious job.
This slipped through because I didn’t do the IP block correctly on this address (that’s been remedied). I’m going to let it stay since it already published. Those people read my original post know what I actually wrote – I’m not going to comment on anything else here.
Meagan is not the one who extrapolated things. That would be you, Gina. You’re very good at twisting people’s words to serve your own purpose. Meagan’s description of her schedule indicates ample time spent with her children, and ample multitasking of working while caring for 5 kids, which sounds pretty demanding to me. And she clearly is a very hands-on mother. As your comments have unfolded, it is obvious that you are very opposed to stay-at-home moms, work-at-home moms and moms with multiple children. Your comments are rude and insulting. They did not serve the purpose of helping anyone or serving any purpose other than to make you feel better about yourself. And the fact that you take such a negative approach to build yourself up speaks volumes. You felt the need to call Meagan out just because she does things differently than you, and consequently many people here called you out on your abusive behavior. If a mean-spirited person like you were to read your description of your schedule, they could easily pick it apart and criticize many elements of it. But thankfully, no one else who has commented here feels the need to act that way. So I’m sure you will be given a lot more grace than what you showed to Meagan (and to this gaggle of SAHMs, WAHMs, etc).
Even though Gina’s comments slipped through, I found her schedule interesting. To be fair, it looks like she has an hour-long commute to and from work. There are a number of things that she does, however, that she could do differently.
1. Laying down with the kid while (or maybe till?) she falls asleep. Sorry, but she’s not doing anyone any favors. Not even her daughter. Kids need to learn to fall asleep by themselves, regardless of their age. My brother-in-law and his wife are STILL laying down with their kids and they are 6 and 5. Seriously, when does it end?
2. What is she doing between the time she gets up (6 or 6:30) and the shower at 7?
3. Her daughter doesn’t have to be at school till 8:40. I’d let the kid sleep later, and I’d sleep later myself. Hell, I wouldn’t get out of bed till 7 and then get my kids up at 8 if we weren’t leaving till 8:40.
4. TWO hours to hang out at night? Here’s a thought. Get in bed at 10 instead of 11, STOP watching movies (biggest time waster there is), stop doing work at home.
There, I just gave Gina TWO more hours of sleep (get up at 7 and go to sleep at 11) that she is wasting because of poor time management. And I bet you that carries over into her workday too. Work smarter, not harder Gina!
Finally, Meagan, I admire you for simplifying your life and that of your kids. The world is CRAZY, and the outside pressure to conform is unbelievable. I’m working on simplifying our lives and bucking the trends. And I can’t wait to tell people that I’m not interested in purchasing the latest gadget and I don’t need more stuff so I can see the looks on their faces. I’m becoming a rebel, and I love it.
To be fair, it sounds like Gina is fine with her sleep schedule and if so, then I don’t care how she spends her waking hours. We all use time on things that other people might find wasteful/unnecessary/a luxury. That said, what I thought was interesting is that her schedule really isn’t that different from mine: I fall asleep around 10:30 or so (depending how long I read), and am usually waking by 6:30 (though I often doze and don’t get out of bed until closer to 7.) So I get a little more sleep but not much, and otherwise, our schedules seem pretty similar except that she leaves her house to work.
So besides her stubborn insistence that I claimed to be falling asleep standing up at 8:30, which I never said, I’m not sure what issue she took with my schedule either.
I agree with you Meagan; we all choose our priorities when it comes to how we spend our time. I know I could use more sleep, but I really crave that time to myself in the morning before my son gets up, and at night after he goes to bed. So it’s a trade-off, and I don’t judge mothers who have different priorities or make different choices than I do. And while I don’t lie down with my son till he falls asleep, I really can’t fault Gina for that either. She’s away from her daughter for almost 11 hours each day, so I can understand why lying down with her daughter might be a way of getting in some additional snuggle time. I don’t know that I could categorize her as a helicopter mom (and personally, I think that term gets a bad rap anyway, but I could write a whole novel about that issue…). My biggest issue with Gina is how she picks apart people who do things differently from her. And I wonder how she likes being on the other side of that, it now that Kathy gave her a mild taste of it, without the mean-spiritedness?
One more thing. I hope Gina doesn’t decide to have more children or her head might explode.
And it doesn’t sound like she’s a hands on mom, it sounds like she’s a “helicopter” mom.
Ugh.
Well, this seems kind of off-topic almost to post…but does anyone have any suggestions for how to get “me-time” during the day? I am a SAHM to a 2.5 year old and a 4 month old. The kids usually are up by around 7 or 7:30am, take staggered naps around 1 or 2 pm for about an hour or so, and we are done with our bedtime routine (meaning, the baby is done nursing and actually IN bed, and the toddler is sleeping) usually by 8pm. The baby is usually up 1-2 times per night (he’s been a great sleeper from the start, and my toddler generally sleeps all the way through, maybe getting up once for a drink of water).
Here’s my problem. I so, SO badly crave time alone (even from my husband). I think it’s just from having two kids “on” me all day long. I love them, they are my world, and are pretty easy-going kids, but I also have always loved to be alone. I think I get kind of “touched out” during the day after nursing, etc. So, after the kids go to bed, my husband and I hang out….then I end up staying up late reading or whatever after my hubby goes to bed, just to get that time to myself. Then, of course, I get sucked into all these great blogs (like this one!) or a good book and want to read read read and time gets away from me. Then I’m tired and crabby at my kids the next day (it’s not fair to them and it’s my own fault!). Does anyone have any good tips on how to work in some kind of “me-time” during the day so that I don’t feel like I need it so badly at the end of the day? Once in a while the kids will nap at the same time and that is nice, but it usually doesn’t happen that way. Usually one is sleeping while the other one is up, but that’s nice too because I get alone time with each of my babies to focus on JUST them almost every day. Maybe there really isn’t a solution right now, and it’s just to make the choice to sleep, and maybe just try to fit in “alone time” on weekends or something? I am recoiling in my head just writing that, but honestly, I’ve never tried it so maybe it would work for me. Does anyone else struggle with this? Maybe I need my husband to put some kind of parent lock thing on my computer that automatically turns it off at a certain hour and not give me the password
Oh come on April, staying home all day with two kids should be easy and stress-free! (Sorry; I couldn’t resist. Coming from someone who lay down with my son at bedtime–something that rarely happens–because he had a stomachache, and consequently woke up at 1 am full of energy!) Anyway, I don’t have any advice for you, but I wanted to say that I totally relate! I only have one child, but when he was a baby he was a horrible napper. And when he was awake, he was pretty demanding. So I basically got no time to myself all day long, other than an occasional 15 minutes once or twice. And I was totally touched out by the time my husband got home. I am somewhat introverted, so time to myself has always been very important to me, and it was a huge adjustment to lose that. I unfortunately had to go back to work fulltime when my son was 3 months old, and that certainly didn’t help with getting me-time either. It did get better as he got older, in terms of me-time, but with two kids it might take longer. The only thing I can think of is maybe to ask your husband to give you a break for an hour in the evening before they go to bed? Maybe after dinner he could watch them for an hour, and then you could watch them for an hour to give him a break, and then you could have your couple time after they go to bed? Just a thought. Hang in there!
April, I totally understand that “touched out” feeling. Unfortunately, in my experience it is greatly exacerbated when you feel tired, so by not getting enough sleep, you’re compounding the problem!
A few things:
I know you want to hang out with your husband – and that’s SO important – but is there a way for you to get out of the house one evening a week instead? He can do his thing at home – chances are good he has some hobbies or interests that don’t float your boat – and you can get a breather.
After your husband gets home from work and gets settled, can you go in your room for a few minutes for quiet time, reading or maybe even a quick bath?
When I had several small children at home with me all day, baths were my #1 solution to feeling touched-out. It was like hitting a sensory reset button – the noise of the water, the feeling of immersion, all of it!
Can you incorporate periods of ‘fake’ alone time into your day? When my kids were the same ages as yours, I used to feel better at the park because the baby would usually fall asleep in his stroller and the toddler would play and I could sit on the park bench and zone out. I’m NOT super hands on at the park – I choose playgrounds that are easy for little kids to navigate independently and I watch from a distance. The trick is you have to go to one that’s relatively empty or else all the kids screaming will just make that sensory overload worse
These are just a few ideas…great question, though, I’m thinking it would make a great post!
Now I have stayed up way past my bedtime reading these comments! =P I started out mad at Gina, but as I continued to scroll I dissolved into giggles! Here are my top favorites: “puttering” “little schedule” “celebrity slice of life” and my personal favorite “you crafty homey mamas” LOL! I seriously died laughing to the point of tears streaming at the choice of wording, and also because I don’t think she was describing you, she was describing me! Ha! I am blessed to only work about 11-15hrs/week and the rest of the time am SAHM to my little 14mo old. And I like to get crafty and homey! And my husband always tells me I putter! I’m pretty happy with my little “celebrity slice of life”
Well now I’m off to bed at 1 am, so I’ll be on Gina’s schedule tonight, but rest assured I’ll be living the high life tomorrow with 8 hours! Thanks for the laughs!
Thanks again for this post. It really made me think about my schedule, and why I’m cutting out sleep. The baby of the family recently started sleeping through the night, and it was miraculous, not feeling constantly tired. But then I ran across Breaking Bad on Netflix, and I’ve been up late most nights for a month. Reading your piece made me think about why on earth am I staying up late, to clean the house (which will be messed up by 7:15am), to watch tv, or read stuff online? I’ve made a deal with myself, go to bed on time 6 nights a week, and I can stay up late a 7th to do projects, like sew my daughter a dress or finish the paintings for the kids’ room.
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