The other day a friend posted on Facebook asking for suggestions for an automated chore chart that rewards kids with points they can then cash in for screen time, etc. “Cool idea!” I said to myself. “I should look for something like that!”
And then I went about my business and completely forgot about it. Because, who am I kidding? Nearly sixteen years into motherhood, there are some tricks this dog is just too old to learn.
Over the years, I’ve bought and/or created plenty of chore charts: Magnetized. Write on/wipe off. Sticker charts. Simple computer printouts with check boxes.
My problem has always been implementation. After creating said charts, I’d hang them and promptly forget their existence. The kids might check off boxes or affix golden stars for a few days, but sensing my lapsing interest, they’d soon trail off.
The chores still got done, mind you. It was the checking-off that never did. And I finally realized that it wasn’t important to me that we have a record of tasks getting done, so long as they get done!
I guess it’s just an example of the how we all have different household management styles. I’m pretty hands-on in my house. I like being able to delegate different tasks to different kids on different days, depending on my needs, my mood and which kid seems most in need of a little housework.
At the same time, I’m not much of a list-follower. I like making lists, but once a list is completed I almost immediately want to rebel against it. (I’ve made peace with my daily to-do lists by regarding them more as suggestions than directives.)
I’m also an active household manager. I like to sum up what needs to be done and delegate accordingly, and I’ve never minded having to ask family members to do chores, even if I have to ask them every day.
I guess, if our house was Downton Abbey, I’d be Mrs. Hughes and Carson rolled up into one. Everyone has certain tasks that are usually expected of them, but they might get a surprise request at any moment (and they all know it’s their responsibility to handle said tasks with aplomb and good cheer.) I delegate based on what needs to be done at any given moment, and expect my kids to go above and beyond a checklist if asked.
I know that chore charts can be useful in a lot of ways. In theory, they keep moms and dads from having to remind kids of their regular chores over and over. They can give kids a sense of ownership over “their” tasks, and a tangible way to mark off an accomplishment. And let’s face it, sometimes they’re just plain gorgeous to look at.
But I don’t think they’re necessary, by any means. And I’m a little bit embarrassed now to admit that, back when my oldest kids were young, I actually felt guilt over not having a chore chart hanging in the boys’ bedroom, wondering if I was falling down in the discipline department.
Now that my big boys are 13 and 15, I’m happy to tell you that they are both active and reasonably cheerful contributors to the household tasks. They do the dishes, mow the lawn, clean up their rooms, carry out the trash and bring in the groceries, promptly and (mostly) without complaint. The younger kids don’t have as many chores yet, but they pitch in when needed and have their own (short) list of regular chores.
My kids may not have gotten gold stars or experienced the satisfaction of moving a magnet to the “done” column. And they don’t earn money or screen time based on completing household jobs, either. But maybe they get satisfaction in other ways: from a job well done, from knowing they’re helping out, and from my sincere “thank you.”
So if you’ve never gotten around to ordering that beautiful chore chart – or bought it but still haven’t hung it on the playroom wall – don’t despair. I promise, you aren’t failing your kids if you use other methods of reminding them of how they’re needed around the house.
As far as I’m concerned, the important thing is that kids see themselves as part of a team, and recognize the value and necessity of their household contributions. Whether you remind them of their chores via a chart, a verbal reminder, or telepathy (you know, if that’s a skill of yours) seems irrelevant.
The goal is simple: kids who see themselves as valuable and needed and rise to the occasion. And if the proof is in the pudding, I have to believe I did an OK job in this area…even without chore charts.
{ 12 comments… read them below or add one }
Research says checklists work best for specific, routine tasks 0 really steps. I find a lot of women friends living the To Do List Life. It seems soulless and a bit of a efficiency mindset scam. It would be best to have proof it helps and then what specifically. Mainly it seems a way to repress uncomfortable emotions. We all know how well that works.
What is “better” structuring your life or being open to your personal and experienced possibilites? Living in the present not past (making the list) or future – “When I get all this done…..”
I also read research that women’s brains are more detailed oriented, which makes sense for caregivers.
“The goal is simple: kids who see themselves as valuable and needed and rise to the occasion.”
Wow. This really says it all. You’ve just wiped out all my guilt for never getting a chore chart to work and reminded me of how important the team part of all this is.
“I like being able to delegate different tasks to different kids on different days, depending on my needs, my mood and which kid seems most in need of a little housework.” – This is absolute how our house is run, too. All of it! There is an ebb and flow to chore assignments in our house, based on any number of random variables, including each kids’ responsibilities with after-school games or practices, etc. I take it all into consideration, look at what needs to get done, and there we go. Every day. Works for us!
Here are my problems: I’m not an active household manager. I personally hate doing household chores. (I’d much rather work, have fun or relax). I dislike strict schedules and routines.
We get done what needs to be done, mostly, but I can’t help be feel that I still haven’t found the “magic combination” that will help us get stuff done — that will help me get a handle on what needs to be done and efficiently delegate some of it to my kids. Oh — and get my kids to kick in without too much complaint.
Jenny, I am thinking of writing a post about this – the myth of the perfect combination. Because I do feel like so many of us spend so much time looking for that magical system that will help us get everything done, when in reality, life is messy and everything will probably NOT get done, all of the time. It’s more about your personal tolerance level for mess and a certain level of disorganization, I think. Being a little disorganized is not the mortal sin we’ve made it out to be! I liked the phrase Kevin used above: “Efficiency mindset scam.”
Ha! Chore charts have never worked for us either. They always get destroyed, and are one more thing to do… but the chores do get done. We attach them to meal times, so it’s easier for everyone to remember.
I was gung-ho for a while about getting my oldest daughter a chore chart. I found a cute idea on Pinterest using a door hanger style. I trimmed it out to look like a cat (because my child is obsessed with them) and used clothes pins for the ‘to do’ and ‘done’ sides. But without fail, my imaginative child kept moving the clothes pins around making whiskers, arms, and legs on the chart. Of course this drove me crazy because it completely disrupted the system I was trying to implement. But, then I realized it was really funny and that it probably wasn’t going to work for us. However, the damn cat chore chart is a Pinterest hit. Go figure. Hopefully those people are having better luck than I did. We threw the chore chart life out the window. I’m definitely now on a system much more similar to yours, Meagan. Easy come, easy go.
I really have to wonder sometimes how many people are actually USING the things everyone is raving about on Pinterest
Love the story about your daughter turning the clothes pins into art!
What are the goals? To get the work done? Teach the kids responsibility? It seems a bit of the parents anxieties being institutionalized in the home.
This is not really how our brains work anyway – especially guy brains!
No wonder why I like reading your post so much, because I am a lot like you! my sister in law always has a chore chart and the kids do them 3x a day and I always feel I should do it that way because her house stays a lot cleaner! So I write list and follow about 2 days then go back to your style… Oh well, now that the kids are in school the house is a lot cleaner! Yea!
Whatever it takes, right?
I have zero interest in creating a chore chart. I can barely remember to give my oldest (4 yrs old) stickers for other incentives. I think I have a pretty good handle on what needs to be done and have no problem asking my family, even my husband, for help.
{ 1 trackback }