UPDATED: WE HAVE A WINNER! Scroll to bottom of the post for more.
“I knew something was terribly wrong with my marriage when I planned my husband’s funeral.”
That’s the first line to now-happily-married mom, author, and blogger Alisa Bowman’s book Project: Happily Ever After. In the book Alisa shares her story of falling in love, falling out of love, and then doing the hard work to fall back in love with her husband, Mark.
As for the funeral planning? “When we were out of love, I was so angry and resentful that I planned Mark’s funeral on the off chance he would conveniently drop dead,” explains Alisa.
Does that shock you? Or deep down, do you identify? Either way, read on. Alisa’s got a lot of great advice you’ll benefit from whether your marriage is on the rocks or just occasionally needs a bit of shaking up. AND, Alisa will be giving one reader a copy of her brutally-honest but encouraging book that just might help you look at your marriage in a whole new light (more details at the bottom of the post.)
Meagan: I’m betting a lot of people are stunned by your admission that you fantasized about your husband dropping dead, while others totally identify. I wonder if you can explain that death fantasy so that women who haven’t been there can understand how it gets to that point.
Alisa: Yes, I get one of three reactions when I talk about it. Ninety percent of the time people nod their heads, laugh and say, “Oh, I’ve so been there.” Five percent of the time they say something like, “I never wanted to kill him, but I just wanted to get in my car and leave and never come back.”
And five percent of the time someone tells me that I should be seeing a psychiatrist.
The death fantasy was a self-soothing strategy for me. I didn’t really want him to suffer. I just wanted him to conveniently disappear from my life. Even in my fantasies, I was not cruel. I always killed him off in kind ways. He never suffered. The death was quick and painless and he never knew what had hit him.
In reality, I didn’t want him to die. I just felt as if I was at a dead end. My marriage was miserable, and I didn’t know how to fix it. And divorce is not easy. It would have required sharing our daughter, something I wasn’t convinced he would want to do. Some mothers worry that the father will fight for custody. I was worried about the opposite—that he wouldn’t want any custody. I thought if I divorced him, my daughter would no longer have a father in her life. Of course, she would no longer have a father if he conveniently dropped dead, either, but fantasies are not based in reality.
My fantasy soothed me. It allowed me to have little moments of bliss. I could daydream about him being gone and my life being wonderful. I could feel good for a brief moment. Then the daydream would vaporize and the misery of my life would come crashing back in.
Meagan: I share in my book that the low point of my marriage was one night when I was in extremely tired, upset, and confused, and whacked my husband over the head with a baby bottle. What stands out as your low point–and what did you learn from it?
Alisa: The lowest point came after I decided to work on our marriage, but before I figured out how to execute that goal. I had gone to New York for business. I came home at 5:58 pm and found my husband home surfing the Internet. He was in his cycling clothes and still sweaty. The house was absolutely quiet.
“Where is she?” I asked. Our daughter, at that time, was 3 years old and in daycare. The daycare closed at 6 p.m. She had extreme separation anxiety, we had financial issues, and the daycare charged $10 for every minute after 6 you retrieved your child.
“Oh, what time is it? Is it that late?” He asked.

"Dare to dream about the spouse you wish was yours. Dare to ask your spouse to become that person."--Alisa Bowman, author Project: Happily Ever After
He ran around the house. He got dressed. He raced out the door and asked, “Do you want to come with me?”
“No,” I said coldly.
As I watched him jog to his car, I thought that I could not possibly stay married to him. How could I stay married to someone who forgot his only daughter? How? I couldn’t even go to New York on business without things falling apart at home. It was as if he needed me to take care of everything. I made the money. I cared for our child. I even sent his mother birthday gifts because he never remembered to do that.
For the rest of the evening, I wrestled with myself. I wanted to ask for a divorce. He felt like a giant weight on my life. I just wanted to cut him loose. I wanted to tell him that it was over—that it was pointless to try to work on things. But my friend—the one who had counseled me to work on my marriage—kept invading my thoughts and I kept hearing her ask, “What have you tried to work on your marriage?”
That was my turning point. I went on the Internet and I ordered 12 marital improvement books.
Meagan: If you had to name three principles or strategies that have most helped you strengthen your relationship, what would they be?
Alisa: Change your marriage by changing yourself. This is a tough concept to embrace because most of us have an inner child that screams, “But it’s his fault! It’s not my fault! He’s the one who needs to change!” The reality, however, is that you can change yourself a lot more easily than you can change your spouse. By embracing self improvement, you will, in turn, move your marriage to a better place and your spouse will come along for the ride.
Create the marriage that you want. People often complain of their marriages being stale or of not having conversations or about having a boring sex life. If you want to have conversations, start them. If you want a more exciting sex life, get creative and make it happen. Be the affection you want to see in your marriage. Be the spark you want to see in your marriage. Be the compassion you want to see. For instance, if things are boring in the bedroom, brainstorm ideas that YOU can execute to spice things up. Maybe it’s time for a strip tease. Maybe it’s time for a bikini wax. Maybe it’s time for a feather boa.
Ask for help. Say what you want. Talk. Men and women are wired differently. When you tell him that you are “fine,” he believes you. When you tell him “don’t worry about it,” he stops worrying about it. When you say “whatever,” he thinks, “Glad she’s not too mad about that.” It’s difficult to ask for help. It makes most of us feel emotionally naked. In order to ask for help, we must become comfortable with the idea that we are not perfect and cannot do it all. We must embrace our flaws. But I can tell you: once you do it, it’s an amazing feeling.
Meagan: How does having a happy relationship make you a happier mom?
Alisa: I have so much more energy now, energy that I can spend on having fun with my daughter. I smile more and look happy, so I’m a good role model. My husband and I are friendly and have fun together. We do things as a family. The atmosphere in the house is warm and fun. There’s a lot less tension around here.
Thank you so much, Alisa! I know you’re all dying to read the rest of Alisa’s story, so she’s graciously agreed to give one reader a copy of Project: Happily Ever After. And if this post gets more than 50 entries, I’ll buy a copy to give away, too. So feel free to spread the word via Twitter or Facebook!
You can enter a total of two (2) times. To enter: leave a comment on this post telling me why you’d like to read this book–whether it’s to benefit from Alisa’s advice, or even just to find out happens in Chapter 4: “She Married Him, And He Turned Into A Frog.”
For one extra entry, share this giveaway on Twitter, Facebook, or your own blog, and come back and let me know in a separate comment.
Comments will close on this post Friday, February 18 at 4:00 EST. A winner will be announced in this post by Sunday, February 20.
The contest is over! Two winners were chosen randomly using the plugin “And The Winner Is.” I’ve posted a screen shot of the winning comments with email addresses oh-so-cleverly hidden below. Congrats to the winners–look out for an email from me soon!
We just chose this book for our book club. Everyone is so excited to read it that several ladies are coming back for the first time in awhile. I think we all need to work on our marriages. Even the happiest marriages need fine tuning from time to time.
I re-tweeted your Tweet, Meagan: “Change your marriage by changing yourself.” Interview with @AlisaBowman, plus GIVEAWAY thehappiestmom.com/?p=2593
Need some guidance and a fresh perspective to keep the ship from totally sinking…
I think I need this book…
I’m somewhat afraid of this book, but I think that is a good reason to read it.
I am pretty sure I could benefit from this book…I’m not to planning anyone’s funeral…yet…
I’d like to read this book b/c I’m always looking for ways to improve my marriage. Her perspective sounds perfect for me!
I’d like to read it!
I’d like this book because my marriage in non-existent. I am still technically married, but he has been living with his girlfriend for almost 3 years.
I tweeted about this giveaway.
Working on a marriage is a constant. You do it everyday, even if you’re the most blissfully married person.. So, I’d simply need it to make things better, brighter and more beautiful..:-)
This was an excellent interview! I really enjoyed it. I had a good chuckle and a solid life lesson! Thanks.
I tweeted this as @TheSimpleHome. Thank you for the offer!
Sometimes marriage can be tough. Any extra advice on making it into what it should be is appreciated.
I also shared this on Facebook.
Even good marriages need a touch up every once in awhile. I would love to read this book…I’m in the 5% who can’t identify…yet.
Posted this on my fb
Just tweeted about this giveaway
I would love this book because I am currently fantasizing about my own husband’s funeral.
I’d like to read the book before I get married so I don’t get to the point of divorce!
Thanks for this great interview, now I’m dying to read the book! I spread the word on FB. Great post!
Our marriage has been rocky for several years now – we’re going to counseling, but nothing seems to change. I’d love to read this book and get ideas on what I can do to make it better. My husband spends almost every night surfing the web and ignoring his little girl (but thankfully has never yet forgotten to pick her up!).
I’m totally happily married but think lots of people lose that by being complacent, so I seek to keep us growing. Plus, it’s just an interesting peek behind the curtain of another couple’s life! So I’d love to win the book.
With very young kids at home, I feel like my marriage always takes a backseat to my kids. Any insights into what makes for a happy marriage would be welcome in this house!
This is a book I need to read before it is too late!
While I consider myself to be in a happy marriage, there is definite work involved in not getting in a snit because he doesn’t show affection like I would like. Any tips at keeping this a happy marriage are great!
I am at a point in my life that I would love to have a wonderful book like this to help me make my marriage better!
I tweeted about this giveaway and will post it on Facebook as well!
I’d love to win this book…of course, I’m still going to read it if I don’t, but just hopin’. Thanks for the chance!
It takes effort to end a marriage.
That energy can go into restoration.
Can always make a good thing better – I’d love to win this book.
I have a stubborn personality. I am thinking this might be the right approach – the change from within. Also, I really appreciate how the change is from within the reader. All too often, you see one person reading the self-help books, while the other half happily goes about their business. Always seemed ironic that ONE person in the couple was reading the self-help book.
Also, I am curious how this concept can be applied to other relationships.
Great book. Marriage is the most powerful relationship of our life. But the journey will have some challenges that makes grow in our understanding, humanness and our ability to love. I cannot think of a more important subject to write about. Thank you
I always enjoy reading personal stories.
I am always on the look out for ways to improve my life and my marriage. I already have this on my library list, though having a copy to reference would surely be nice.
I can so relate to this story and have been down that path. It makes me feel a little more normal knowing someone else had s similar experience’
great interview!
Please enter me in the giveaway – I just have to find out how Alisa found her way from the daycare-pickup debacle to a satisfying marriage (rather than on trial for assault & battery after coshing her husband in the head with a toaster, which is probably the route I would have taken). Thanks!
Retweeted your AB interview tweet to my list, too!
Would love to read this book. Sounds like a fresh twist on the other self help type books on marriage.
My husband is a pill with ADHD, and I make the money too. But we have a beautiful son who is now 10, and my husband and I need to work together to see the light in each other so that our son will benefit. This book looks like there might be some wonderful pointers to help us get there.
I almost asked for the big “D” last night, but know I can work harder – this book would really help! ( : Pick me!
oh my gosh, i thought i was the only one! i have even been scared to tell my therapist that i am having these kind of fantasies. i have a lot of guilt about this. i have worried i am crazy. just like the author, i would never want to hurt my husband or see him suffer, i just have a fantasy of escape. i really need to read this book!
I’m completely in love with my husband, but today’s just been one of *those* days where it just doesn’t seem to come naturally (and I’ve been lacking in my efforts). I think I’ll love this book!
Marriage is hard work and sometimes it can be a struggle just to keep your head above water… I could sure use some guidance and this book sounds like a common sense guide I can relate to. I hope I win 😉
I’m really curious to read this book. My marriage definitely has had some swings.
I think this would be a really great read. Who couldn’t use some tips to keep a marraige healthy?
I’d love to read this for inspiration and commiseration. 😉 We are working on improving our marriage right now.
Also, tweeted this! 🙂
I so need to read this book to learn how to let go!!!
I’d like it to just read the account of her marriage. She seems like she is really honest about it! And who doesn’t need suggestions to make their marriage better?!
It sounds as though has some good thoughts. Improving our marriage seems a lifelong goal.
I’d love to win this book! My husband and I have been teetering on the edge of divorce for a while now. The only thing keeping us together is our precious 20 month old little girl.
I shared this on Facebook! 🙂
Would love to read this. Lots going on in life right now and we could all use a little reminder of what’s important.
I need to read this book.
I just need to read it is all.
I would love to read this book to better myself and my marriage. Thank you.
Hi! I’m new here, but Alisa is a familiar writer to me. I love her blog. I’d love to have a copy of the book so that I could read more of her writing and maybe put to use more of her great suggestions. Her perspective is inspiring, and so is the marketing campaign she’s put together for her book.
I would love to read this book to find out what she did to make it work!
love the sound of this book – love the honesty, the lack of pretense and would love to learn more.
Thank you for your refreshing,candid honesty, and being willing to share it for the sake of others. So many people just walk around deeply hurting and desperate, but with a huge FAKE smile on their face. I can really relate to many of the things you talk about and it makes me want to read your book-to do exactly what you did, start creating the change I want by starting with myself, learning to ask for what I want, and creating the marriage I want. Thanks again!