Around this time last summer, news of a tragic child abduction was striking fear into parents’ hearts. I wrote the following post to remind others – and myself! – not to let scary news make us parent from a place of fear.
“It only takes one second…”
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard that statement, delivered to me as a somber warning not to ever (ever ever ever) take my eyes off my kids, even for the briefest moment.
At the grocery store. At the park. On my block. In my own backyard.
According to the 24-hour “horrible things shown all day long” news cycle, the world is a very dangerous place indeed. Best to keep our kids safely locked inside, or at scheduled activities overseen by trained adults. Roaming the neighborhood like we once did as children? So risky. Anything could happen!
But here’s what I believe: life itself is risky. And while anything could happen, the statistical truth is that it usually doesn’t. Stranger abductions are so, so rare. Stranger abductions followed by murders are even more rare. Yes, they happen. So do car accidents, bathtub accidents, and lightning strikes.
Risk cannot be eliminated without eliminating life. And avoiding risk too strenuously could actually create new risks (a parallel between the childhood obesity ‘epidemic’ and the increase in sedentary, indoor childhoods, perhaps…)
As I write this, there are seven kids – some mine, some neighborhood kids – ages roughly 5 – 8, running around in the yard next to my office window. At the moment they seem to be playing some sort of ninja-training game; five minutes ago they were riding their scooters up and down the sidewalk. They know how far they are allowed to go in either direction and do a nice job policing one another.
I firmly feel that they are all safer than they would be playing alone, and having a lot more fun out there together than they would be stuck inside their own homes.
And yeah, the existence of this little gang makes me a happier mom, too. For one thing, as you can see I’m sitting peacefully at my desk in a quiet house (Clara is down for her nap) and I’m getting stuff done. You don’t have to do as much “entertaining” when the outdoors is your child’s playground, so a gang of neighborhood kids = an easier job for me.
Plus, I’m happy when I see my kids having fun, stretching their wings, using their imaginations and getting to know other people in our community.
But encouraging this kind of thing isn’t always easy today, when stricter social parenting standards and a higher sense of danger – either real or perceived – puts the pressure on us to keep our kids indoors . Here are six ways I’ve found to encourage safety in numbers.
- Create an open-door policy. Families today have less downtime than we had when I was growing up, and I feel like we tend to guard it more jealously as a result. We don’t much like kids or their parents just “stopping by.” What about the dishes stacked up in the sink? But to some extent I feel like I have to get over my aversion to “drop-ins” in order to encourage kids to come play these days. Life is simply too unpredictable (and frankly, I’m too lazy) to pre-schedule playdates; so I’ve told the parents of kids in a two-block radius that they’re free to send their kids over to knock on the door any time during normal conscious hours (which for us means after 9 AM in the summer!)With an open-door policy rather than scheduled playdates, you do have to be willing to set firm boundaries. For example, I have to tell the kids when my boys aren’t able to play for whatever reason (and then get firm if they keep hovering around the yard or ring the doorbell over and over.) Be sure to communicate to the other parents if drop-ins are welcome, and if you work outside the home let them know what times you aren’t typically home so they can plan.
- Be willing to be the go-to house. Yes, your floors will get dirtier. Yes, you will run out of Popsicles faster. But try to keep the end goal in mine. I’m lucky enough that the kids in my little boys’ play circle are equally happy to have playmates over, but being willing to do my fair share (or if necessary, more than my fair share) of hostessing equals more play for everyone.
- Issue the first invitation. There’s often an uncomfortable dance between moms who’ve recently met (but whose kids have become fast friends.) “We should really get the kids together sometime…” “Sure, I’ll call you…” Let’s face it, too often that phone call is never made. I’ve taken to jumping the gun and setting a specific, on-the-spot invitation – sometimes I even offer to take the kids home with us right then. The other parents almost always return the favor soon after and it takes the awkwardness out of that first playdate.
- Include working moms. One of my son’s best friends, Wyatt, is at a home-based daycare until 5, and it can be tricky to get the two boys together in the evenings. Since Owen is often moping around looking for “somebody to pway wif” during the day, I’ll often send Wyatt’s mom a quick email in the morning asking if I can swing by and pick him up from daycare so he can come play. She places a quick call to the daycare provider, I run over and pick Wyatt up, the two boys play their little hearts out until Wyatt’s mom comes to pick him up. Win-win-win. You can also be sure to include the kids of working-outside-the-home parents by allowing “drop-ins” in the evenings or making a point of getting to know parents who are away from home during the day.
- Talk to Grandma. One day I was surprised to see a little boy who is one of William’s best friends playing in a yard right around the corner from my house. Turns out, his great-grandma lives there, and since his parents both work during the day he and his little brother (Owen’s age) split their time between Grandma and Great-Grandma’s house during the day. Now that the two grandmas know we are so close by – and the boys do too – the boys spend much of their day running back and forth between the two houses. Another win-win-win. I’ve become much more proactive about talking with grandmothers at school events and on the bleachers at baseball practice. They are often home during the day, frequently play a large role in their grandkids’ lives, and you never know – they might live just a few doors down.
- Use technology. A family of four boys lives just two doors down from us, which is a play bonanza for my boys. But they’re a homeschooling family, so sending my kids over to just “drop in” doesn’t really work – they’re frequently gone to activities, and when they are home, they’re often doing school. Their mom and I have started keeping in touch almost exclusively via text, which cuts into both of our days less than one of those artificially-drawn-out phone calls would, allows us to communicate important factoids like “Doing lesson right now, send kids at 1:00″ or “Yours just left.”
What are you doing to make your neighborhood a safer place for all kids?
{ 24 comments… read them below or add one }
Thank thank you for mentioning this and for these practical tips. I just heard about the terrible story this afternoon—in addition to the usual heartsickness over the tragic loss of a child and grief of a family, I felt so disillusioned about the future of raising free-range kids. Mine is still itty-bitty but I think about these issues, and have always imagined raising independent children that are loosely scheduled and free to explore and imagine. The bonus of not having to “entertain” them until they are well in their teens is enticing, too! Your stories are also strengthening my fantasy to move to a more family-friendly suburban community, where there is space to play outside and neighborhood kids as potential playmates.
It is really hard to imagine this stuff when you’re looking at an itty-bitty baby or toddler, Ana! But once they get a little older you really start to see how freedom helps them become who they are; and how very NORMAL it seems to you and them.
Meagan, your approach is pretty much what I’ve been doing lately with my 8 and 6-yr-old. I’ve also started trying to get to know as many parents (and grandparents!) as possible in our community. Despite being more comfortable as an introvert, I feel it’s my job to make these connections as a sort of insurance for the future, as my kids grow and spend more and more time away from home where I can keep tabs on them. I want to know the families of the future friends, enemies, boyfriends and girlfriends, and feel like I have a reliable network of families who will look after my kids, and I theirs. I joined the local women’s club, the PTA, and the community pool. I make it a point to walk down the street and chat with the other parents on the block when I call my kids in for dinner. The payoff is enormous–our neighborhood gang is alive and well, and I think the kids are all learning valuable skills about getting along with ALL the people around you–not just the ones you’ve specially selected for a playdate. Obviously, we live in a suburban area with little traffic and plenty of neighbors with yards and sidewalks and driveways, but I feel it would be tragic if we insulated ourselves in our own house and didn’t take advantage of our environment.
I too have become a more free range parent when it comes to my childrens independent play. Largely this has been influenced by my work as a counsellor where I am constantly treating kids with anxiety, much of which seems to have been bought on by living in a world of fear. (I am therefore finding myself doing more & more work with the parents who are often fueling this fear). It is also our exposure to 24/7 media that adds to this fear. The risks have always been there, and yes they are sometimes changing risks, but in the past the news (and all the bad stuff) was only a30 minute news bulletin at the end of the day. Now we are exposed constantly. I love that my house is open to lots of kids, & I hope it continues that way. Sure there are times when you worry and your imagination threatens to spoil their fun, but as you said if we stick to some boundaries such as not going out alone, being home by certain times etc, then they can enjoy the freedom & independence we had as children and begin to build some essential skills to carry with them into adolescence and adulthood.
I feel fortunate to live on the end of a cul de sac with two families whose kids are similar ages. Particularly during the summer, the kids (I refer to them as the “posse”) are together whenever we’re home. When this started last summer, it took some getting used to. My husband and I had to get more comfortable with enforcing our rules with other people’s kids. I learned to buy more snacks, but also to tell the neighbors that we have a “one morning snack/one afternoon snack” rule. If they are still hungry after they’ve gotten one snack, well, they can go on home and talk to their own parents. Because the neighbor parents work outside the home and the other kids are often home with grandparents or a babysitter, my house does end up as the go-to house much of the time. They also spend lots of time in various yards, biking, scootering, etc. Now that I’ve figured out what I can handle and what I can’t (newest rule: All running, jumping, and screaming MUST take place outside. If it’s raining, well, go get wet…) I’m so glad that my kids are learning to get along with other kids and handle stuff without my constant interference. I’ve learned to back off even when I hear that there is fighting going on. I only intervene when someone gets hurt or when it’s clear that the group is really ganging up on one of the kids.
And thank you for reiterating that life is risky. Bad things happen. Sometimes even when we’ve done everything we can to make things safe. My daughter has a bone disorder. Last week, she broke ribs and an arm when she slipped on her PJs on the wood floor. That sort of thing (which happens often–of her 11 broken bones, only two happened due to a truly dangerous scooter accident; the rest happened at home during some mundane activity) has forced me to learn that I can instill every safety measure known to humankind, and I still can’t protect my kids 100%. It’s a heartbreaking truth.
I completely agree about kids needing to have some freedom to run around and play with the neighborhood kids. I think parents these days worry entirely too much. I have 3 boys and luckily we have a gang of boys their age who live in our neighborhood and the other parents and I trade off having the boys over, or keeping an eye on all of them as they are playing in the yards or riding bikes.
Great ideas and a great topic, Meagan.
I remember reading a Dear Abby column years before I had kids in which the reader was complaining how all the neighborhood kids hung out at their house and they couldn’t afford to feed the whole neighborhood. Abby said something like: Really? Are you sure? Are you sure you can’t make some Kool Aid (I said it was a while back) and a bowl of popcorn and give these kids a place to go?
I was so touched by the wisdom of this response and while there may be a long list of things I won’t do as a parent (rock wall climbing comes to mind), I’ve always set out to be the go-to house. Thanks for putting that on the list. Let’s keep those doors open!
Theo, I LOVE that! Really? are you sure? Are you sure you can’t make some Kool Aid? Priceless! Maybe the problem is that modern parents don’t think Kool Aid is good enough, eh?
I’m hearing mostly comments from suburbanites. I live in Brooklyn, have my entire life, and I’m raising my kids here. This tragic killing happened less than two miles from my house. I agree that these horrible incidents are rare. I am not going to keep my kids indoors all the time. Especially here in Brooklyn, kids are often out in the street playing or in the park. Life is risky but without risk, life is deadening. These parents did nothing wrong. They were giving their son a little independence. We all have done the same thing….the first day our child walks to school, or sleeps at a friend’s house or cooks their first meal. Sadly, this little boy met up with the wrong person and he must have mental problems. Sad for everyone. But I still believe most people are good and life is a tricky thing, as is nature itself, because there are always dangers out there. It doesn’t mean we have to cloistered our children in a bubble.
I appreciate your perspective on this very important topic, Meagan! As you well know, I’ve written a great deal at my site, Playborhood.com, about how to make neighborhood play happen for kids. Many, if not most families, need to totally turn around a neighborhood culture, not simply volunteer to be kid central for the neighborhood. Even most neighborhoods that have lots of kids are ghost towns without at least one family making a concerted effort to change ingrained family patterns.
These are great tips, Meagan! My daughter is only one, so I don’t have a lot to add in terms of techniques for free play, but I did want to add one observation with regard to our North American perception of children’s capabilities to be alone outside in the big wide world.
I live in an urban center in Japan where children have a lot more freedom than their North American counterparts. I regularly see kindergarteners (age 3 to 5) walking to and from school alone. Unsupervised by parents. It is not uncommon to see elementary school kids (6 year old or so) riding the subway or busses alone. Only in exceptional circumstances are there school busses. Nobody questions children’s ability to get to and from their destination safely.
And it is not unlike Japan is a crime-free utopia.
Certainly we can’t compare apples to oranges, but I do think that it is an instructive example of how children are often more capable than we give them credit for.
I wish we could do this. I do. My two kids are the youngest kids in our neighborhood by eight or nine years. They literally have no one to play with here. We have two ‘frat houses’ across from our house with all the attendant issues of a bunch of college-aged boys living in a house together (think beer bottles and cigarette butts EVERYWHERE).
When we bought this house, we had a great neighborhood. It was safe, there were lots of kids, and it seemed like it would be an ideal place for our family. And then the families with super-young kids moved and we ended up the only family with young kids.
I’m wondering what world this mom/ writer is living in. That Hasidic boy was kidnapped and then murdered because he didn’t learn to never talk to strangers. Liebby Keltsky did not understand that looks can be deceiving. Your talking about a neighborhood a community if religious folk who assume the best of eachother who have faith in one another. I met a man once he was a father and business man. This man looked like the type of guy people think is perfect. He admitted to me that he is aroused sexually by his daughter and her friends. This is a situation where the parents of the friends of this little girl will never know that they are letting their daughter sleep over in the home of a sex predator. There’s no way to ever be 100% unfortunately this is a perfect example.
I love these ideas, Meagan! There is such tremendous power in groups and community, even if our individual-centered culture resists it. I absolutely love how you combine technology and good old-fashioned communication to create the power of the pack for your kids.
I’m mostly free-range, too, but even I get a little spooked by news stories. Thank you for this encouragement to keep promoting independence AND interdependence!
Right before reading this, I had just read about the eight yr old-so sad, and my heart goes out to that mom. Thank you for sharing your insight and tips.
THANK YOU for also including kids of working parents in this! I love that you pick up your neighbor’s son so he can play at your house. Having no other family in town, we have set up our neighbors as Emergency Call designees at our kids’ daycare, and therefore, they’re also allowed to pick them up from daycare — what a nice gesture for you to pick them up for fun, as well.
We’re lucky we have a mostly free-range neighborhood, too. While my son plays with the boys, some of the ‘older’ girls (6,7) help take care of my 3yo girl. I love that.
I am conflicted reading this article but really appreciate the tips. I grew up in a not at all free range home (this is actually the first time I heard of this term). We were inside most of the days and only went out under strict parental supervision and now I live in a neighborhood with few children, and we’re the youngest family in our neighborhood so I have no idea how to make it work for my kids unless we move. I like reading your tips though and it helps me keep an open mind and gives me something more to strive for even though I was raised to be very paranoid and to always always keep children at an arms distance because “there are always crazies out there”.
this is so timely for me. we just moved to a nice, comfy suburban neighborhood and within a half a block there are 4 boys aged 5-7. my 6 year old is in heaven! and we couldn’t wait to get out of our condo and into a more “free-range” situation. still, its going to take some getting used to, the kids darting back and forth across the street and my doorbell ringing multiple times a day, etc. But I’m making an effort to really get to know these parents as this little gang emerges this summer. I’m considering putting a note in everyone’s mailbox and inviting the block over for “front porch friday” or “drinks on the driveway” or whatever we can call it and just host a little get together out front and start to build these connections and know all the people around us. Funny though, a few times lately i’ve asked my son to “Stand right here by the cart i’m just going to go grab something over there” and he’s called me out on it “mom, we have to stick together in stores, you don’t want someone to take me away” (they had a unit on personal saftey matters in his kindergarten class) and it was an abrupt reminder that I need to make more of an effort to keep talking with him about all this stuff myself: Who is safe, who is not, how to handle yourself if you feel compromised, etc. It has to be reinforced at home – its up to me to keep that conversation going. But when my kid says, “Mom, can we head back home now, maybe the across the street boys are waiting for me” I remember that it will all be worth it!
Love this article. Bookmarked! You’ve given some really good advice on being free-range and safe. My 3yr old enters school this Sept (YIKES) so I’ll be using some of these ideas soon. He’s still a little young for free-range, but it’s just around the bend, so I want to prepare myself!
So, I’m not a free range mom…but oh, how I’d love to be!
Thanks for these practical tips. I really agree with what you said about power in numbers. I need to think about how I can make that happen more in my neighborhood.
I’ve never heard the expression “free range parenting” but I love it! I believe in freedom with boundaries and encourage my 6 y/o son and 3 1/2 y/o daughter to exercise their independence within these safe confines.
Because my husband and I work FT, our son is in YMCA daycamp this summer. I can’t tell you how many parents are shocked that I allow him to go on field trips (*gasp*) on a bus. Even this week, I told a horrified mom of 3 (1 even older than mine) that I’m letting him go to Disneyland with the camp. It would seem I’m the only parent that I know who is willing to let my child live. Sure I’m a bit uncomfortable but it’s that or he can miss out on what’s surely a fun time with trained counselors who are used to doing this all of the time.
Even just back from camping with friends and they were eagle-eyeing their twin 6 1/2 y/o. As for me, I checked out where my son was, made sure he was safe and let him play while I periodically checked with him.
I don’t advocate just letting your kids run wild with no awareness or supervision but to me, this independence is absolutely necessary- for all of us. And btw, I’m trying to be the go-to house although the mess gets a bit old.
I think that letting kids play outside lets them discover fascinating things about the world and allows them to skills to build relationships with other people. What’s great about these tips is that it involves other people, other families – the entire community even – in caring for our kids. And that is wonderful.
In our neighborhood, we all know each other very well, if there is an occasion we make it a point to gather and enjoy each others family members, and I am not worried of dangers around.
As a mother we must need to let our kids engage in different outdoor activities since these are the only way for them can learn how to engage with other children that is why I let my kids play outside.
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