This post is by Sarah Powers, Happiest Mom contributor and Managing Editor, and blogger at Powers of Mine.
It was about ten days after the birth of my first baby. My husband was back at work, the visiting family had gone home, and my mom, who lives close by, still checked in often but had resumed her normal schedule and commitments. In other words, I was on my own.
I was on my own, but I wasn’t alone in the house. As a gift, my parents had arranged for a cleaning service to come for the day – just to help get the house back to semi-normal as we adjusted to life with a newborn. Sounds wonderful, right? Generous, thoughtful, and just what a new mom should want. But as the housekeeper scrubbed my kitchen counters and un-stuck pots and pans from a week-old Jenga puzzle in the sink, I sat on my bed at the other end of the house holding my daughter and having a quiet panic attack.
Like most hormonal/emotional breakdowns viewed from a distance, this one doesn’t make much sense now, but I’ll do my best to put into words what I was feeling. It went something like this:
I’m hungry, but I can’t go make myself breakfast because there is a stranger in my kitchen. And I can’t face the stranger because I’m not wearing a bra. I’m not wearing a bra because I haven’t showered. I can’t shower because I don’t know what you’re supposed to with a baby while you shower. What if she cries? What will the stranger think? I’m hungry.
So I sat there and cried and nursed my baby in my pajamas, starving, until my mom happened to drop in. What she did then I’ll never forget, because it was exactly what I needed. She listened to my irrational story about how I didn’t want to go make a piece of toast in my own kitchen and then, without judgment or comment, she left the room and gently let the housekeeper know that I wasn’t feeling well and that we’d need to reschedule the cleaning service for another day.
Let’s get the obvious over with: I realize this story makes me sound spoiled, ungrateful, irrational and totally selfish. And in fact, at that moment I was all of those things. I was also in a place of extreme overwhelm and vulnerability that I think many new moms can relate to, and it boiled down to this: I didn’t know how to ask for help, and the “help” I had been offered wasn’t what I wanted or needed at that moment.
New moms all hear the same advice: take it easy on yourself, accept help from friends and family when you can, and (of course) sleep when the baby sleeps! And while some women have trouble letting go of the “I can do it all” mentality, I think many moms go into the postpartum period actually open to this advice and willing to accept help. But somewhere between good intentions and real life, things can get tricky.
Sometimes it’s that we’re not sure what kind of help we need. Other times, like in my sad little story, the help that’s offered actually causes us more stress than relief. And very often, I think, new moms aren’t able to check in with themselves emotionally and ask the question: what would really relieve and nourish me right now?
If we don’t know what we need, we can’t ask for help. And if we don’t ask ourselves first, we’ll never know what we need.
No two postpartum experiences are exactly alike – some new mothers crave quiet alone time with their baby, where I always wanted company and someone to chat with. One mom might want a break from baby and the chance to go get a pedicure, while another craves support from other moms in a group setting.
Every new mom is different, but I’d be willing to bet that every one wishes at some point that babies came with a “HELP” button. And it is as valid, I think, to wish someone would come clean your house as it is to wish the person cleaning your house would magically disappear.
Easy for me to say now, right? I’m less than 10 weeks away from entering my third postpartum period. I’ve had a couple of chances to practice asking for help, accepting help, and getting to know my own crazy mind and whacked-out body during the postpartum weeks. I’ve also had the opportunity to be on the other side, to offer help to friends adjusting to new babies and observe how different moms are in how they handle those first few weeks.
Over the years I’ve come across some outside-the-box ways to help a mom who is adjusting to life with a newborn (though maybe not as unusual as the Asian postpartum traditions that Erica wrote about in this space last week!). If you’re heading into the postpartum period yourself, or looking to help a friend who is, here are a few ideas.
Think beyond (and between) dinner
I’m not a meal planner or much of a home chef for my own family, so I always squirm when an email goes around organizing meals to be delivered to a family with a new baby. I know those meals are gratefully received; I’m just not the most equipped person to make them. Instead, I’ve started delivering a grocery bag or two of healthy snacks to friends with new ones (because, hey! It’s not just dinner that a new mom needs help with, right?).
I mix easy and nourishing snacks like healthy granola bars, string cheese, almonds, and dried fruit with a few fun items like cookies or a frozen pizza. I stock up on fresh fruit – especially if there are older siblings in the house – so the new mom has healthy snacks to feed her other kids as well. I know that I am always ravenously hungry in the early days of nursing, so a well-stocked pantry is key to my overall sanity, and a saved trip to the grocery store? Well, that’s downright priceless.
“I’m at Target – what do you need?”
There’s a subtle but important difference between a general “hey, is there anything I can do to help?” and a more direct offer with specific intention. If someone asks me what they can do to help, I often feel unsure – both of what I want and need, and also of what would be appropriate to ask for. But if a friend texts to say: “I’m at Costco right now. Need anything?” I’m much more likely to take her up on the offer.
And on the flip side, it’s easy to offer this kind of help – you’re already out and about and it may be a more convenient, cost-effective way for you to help out a friend than, say, shopping for a gift for the new baby.
Consider the company you keep
I mentioned earlier that I crave adult company when I’m home with a new baby. I know others are just the opposite, so this is an area where it’s best to know yourself – and know your friends – before accepting or offering help. I would so much rather a friend come to chat (bearing coffee would be lovely) and help me fold laundry or set up an art project for the older kids than I would have the same friend come take the older kids away or watch the baby while I nap.
Feeling lonely and isolated is a trigger point for me in the postpartum period, and it’s amazing how much better I feel if I can visit with a friend while I do the things I’d be doing anyway – feeding the baby, playing with the older kids, or picking up around the house. If you’re the same way, I’d encourage you to ask for company from your friends – and it doesn’t just have to be at home. Outings with a new baby can be overwhelming – why not buddy up for a trip to the pediatrician or the grocery store?
Let someone else capture the moment
Taking, printing, sharing and framing newborn photos is high up on the “should do” list for most new moms. But on the list of things that have to get done in a day, it can fall pretty low. I try always to take pictures when I visit a new baby, and then surprise the family later with printed copies (or even just the digital files by email). If you can snap a sweet candid moment of the mom and baby together, even better, because as we’ve talked about here on The Happiest Mom recently, those photos are few and far between for many of us. If you are the one asking for help, hand your camera over to a visiting friend and ask her to snap a few photos of you with the baby.
Give the gift of light reading
On one hand, caring for a newborn can feel like there’s little time left for anything else. On the other, though, there is some built-in down time that leaves many new moms wandering aimlessly around the internet or flipping channels on late-night TV. Especially if you’re breastfeeding, several hours of your day and night are guaranteed to be, well, sedentary (unless you’re nursing while chasing your toddler around the playground, in which case, been there done that too). I always appreciated some light (read: semi-trashy) reading for those long drawn-out nursing sessions (I also appreciated free episodes of the Bachelorette on my iPad while nursing baby #2, but that’s another story). A few magazines or a compelling novel – or a gift card to Amazon or iTunes if your friend reads books electronically – make great, inexpensive and much-appreciated new-mom gifts.
These ideas come from my personal experience – they represent the kind of help I wish I had known to ask for in the early days, as well as the kind I’ve realized over time that I’m good at giving.
What other ways have you discovered to help out a mom with a new baby? I’d love to hear your suggestions!
Photo credit: tsaiproject via Flickr Creative Commons
Sarah, I love this post! you’re so right that sometimes the “expected” help just isn’t helpful for some moms. I was like you in that I almost always wanted company rather than quiet, and I am a BIG fan of the “I’m at Target, need anything?” approach. Great list!
Thanks Meagan! We’ll see if I can take my own advice this next time around :).
We have a lot of new little ones in our neighborhood, and I usually take a black bean enchilada casserole a few weeks after the birth. I figure that (a) by then any early food support has been eaten, and (b) you still can use a dinner you don’t have to cook. Shoot, over two and a half years in, and I’d still love it if someone showed up with a meal!
For friends and family who have babies in other cities or states, I send a basket of organic fruit. But in either case, my goal is to provide something nourishing and easy. I remember how hard it was for me to eat when Baguette was a newborn!
I’ll send you my address – you can ship that enchilada casserole in February sometime? 😉 KIDDING.
I love that idea of waiting until the early influx of food-gifts have been consumed. Great idea. And don’t get me wrong – I LOVE home made meals as a new baby gift – I just don’t love making and giving them myself Amen to nourishing and easy – whatever that looks like! :).
I love this! I’m always looking for off beat ways to help new moms. Im a huge advocate of helping in the postpartum period as I firmly believe that North American women are way to fast to resume the normal pressures of life after giving birth. I will definitely be sharing this article!
Thanks Carla! Much appreciated!
So many people sent us flowers in the week after our first was born, but the one bouquet I actually remember was a fresh fruit arrangement that a childhood friend of my husband sent. Basically skewers of melon, pineapples, and berries (and chocolate-dipped strawberries!) cut into flower shapes. My husband and I stood in the kitchen devouring the fresh fruit, and I swear it was one of the best things I’ve ever eaten. I’m sure it was the combination of breastfeeding hunger, thirst, and overheating that made it taste so good; in any case, I resolved to send something like that to every person I know who has a new baby. I’m adding the bag of groceries to my mental list, since I would have loved something like that!
Haha, that’s so funny you mention those. My inlaws sent one to me for Mother’s Day when I was about 38 weeks pregnant with my second one, and I LOVED it too. Yum.
The grocery bags are actually so fun! I’ve had my kids help pick out “treats” for their friends with new siblings and it’s SO easy to do this while you’re already shopping for yourself.
That was one of my favorite gifts as well! It was a healthy treat and frankly was the only sustenance I had for a few days. 🙂
I would have loved to receive some nice maternity/nursing tops instead of all the baby clothes.
Having my husband watch the baby while i got a desperately needed haircut was awesome.
Just washing my hair felt pretty awesome actually…
Oh, that’s such a good idea (the nursing/postpartum tops)! Especially from a family member or close friend who knows your size/style. Great suggestion, Sarah!
Totally agree with this list.
I’m two weeks postpartum with #3 and my husband goes back to work in two days. The help I’d really love is school pick-up/drop-off for my oldest — the idea of getting three in and out of car seats twice a day (especially in the cold weather) is pretty overwhelming!
Ahhhh! Shannon you are me in a couple of months! See, I thought I was so wise but it changes every time and I’m going to need help with this too! I hope somebody jumps in for you in this area… Good luck!
I just ordered a surprise cleaning service for you as soon as you bring baby home! Kidding of course. Loved this. Mom
You’re hilarious. YOU can come over and clean and keep me company though. That would be awesome. 🙂
This may not be the feedback you were looking for, but…your ideas are also wonderful for friends wanting to help a mom whose child has died. My son died at 4 1/2 months old, and while the many meals our church delivered to us were fabulous, those quick, “Hey, I’m at the store, what can I get for you?” messages that also helped fill in some of the gaps that grief made difficult to fill on my own. With tears always just below the surface, going out in public to see friends was not something that interested me, but having someone come over to visit with me while we did laundry or dishes? Nice. Also, while it was too late for someone to come take pictures, help organizing the pictures I did have would have been a big relief to me.
Thanks for letting me put my two cents in from the opposite end of the spectrum. Hopefully, none of you will ever have to know the loss of a child, or of a friend’s child…but keep these things in mind in case the worst really does happen.
Carla, I am so, so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing your thoughts here. I’m sure many readers feel like they don’t know what to do for a friend who goes through what you did. It’s good to know that some of these little things would also be helpful to a mom going through that unimaginable grief. Thanks again for your brave comment.
I’m giving my ethan an extra snuggle tonight for you.
Sarah, I think you and I could be the same person. It’s like you read my mind in writing this post. Many, many excellent suggestions for how to support new mums, but also, a great reminder that not every woman will have the same needs postpartum.
I only have one child, but it took me a LONG time to realize (and too late, unfortunately) that the best thing for me to do would have been to say to someone, “I’m not sure what I need, but could you just come over for a while?” I would have had lots of takers, I know, but I felt like to ask just for company was, well, weird. I’m an introvert, and I felt like I needed to have some specific task that I needed help with to take someone’s offer of help. I had heard about the importance of bonding and protecting those first few weeks with your baby (the postpartum “babymoon”) and not having too many people over, and it’s only in reading your post here that I realize that some people crave that company and the comfort of help in close physical proximity.
I once read about the Hispanic tradition of the cuarantena – where for the first 40 days, the mother’s sole job is to learn to breastfeed, get to know her baby, and rest/heal her body. Other people take care of household duties, cooking, her other kids, etc. Pretty amazing and I have to think it would decrease like the rate of PPD and increase the chances of “successful” breastfeeding.
Anyway, I’ll end my novel here, but I loved all your ideas and will be sending this to the pregnant ladies I know who I’m sure it will be a big help to. And this has definitely empowered me to be more vocal and confident about my own needs next time I’m in the postpartum period. Thanks!
Thank you so much! That’s so interesting about the cuarantena – you’ll have to check out the guest post we had here last week (I link to it above) if you haven’t already, because Erica talks about the Asian traditions being very similar.
It’s funny you mention the emphasis on bonding and not allowing too many visitors, because on the other side of things I feel like there is sometimes an assumption that new moms should want or need a “break” from the baby. Like “won’t you let me take the baby while you go get a pedicure?”. Now, again, this may be ideal for some people but I actually get kind of anxious being away from baby in the newborn stage and have at times felt like I should “want” that break more. So interesting that it goes both ways…
(also: if someone offered to take away my children to give me a break now, I’d love them forever – so I’m not suggesting I don’t understand the need for a break…it’s just not what I crave in the postpartum period)
It’s funny that you mention the light reading bit. When my sister-in-law came over with some gossip magazine, I tore into them. It was like being offered water when you don’t know you’re thirsty. It was nice to devote my brain to brainlessness for a moment.
One thing I reall appreciated in my extremely tough postpartum period was when the other person assured me that if I needed them to cut the visit short, I shouldn’t hesitate. They appreciated y honesty and I didn’t feel the pressure of hosting I guest when I wasn’t up to it.
Sylia, right?? It’s like you could never delve into a tough novel or meaty article, but something about mindless fluff just WORKS at that stage. 🙂 Thanks for the comment!
{Kathy} This is great. I am going to share this on our Facebook page.
Thank you Kathy! 🙂
Is there anything more pitiful the totally bonkers thought processes of the newborn mother? Man. I once freaked out at my husband because he was taking too long to get home (ps, he was literally 500 meters from our house.)
BUT, one tradition that a friend told me about from Scandinavia is called the Maternity Pot. Basically, you drop off a meal at the doorstep of a new-mom friend, and don’t stop in to visit. I think that sounds pretty rad!
Unless you’re me, and you’re expected to make and deliver the food! 🙂 I barely make dinner for my own family (hence the grocery bag delivery). xo
What a refreshing take on postpartum care. What you said was crucial re: knowing what it is that you want. I remember having visitors over, which was fun, but at the same time I also wanted to just sleep and feel at home, e.g. breastfeed with no shame, look like a complete mess, and not have to talk to anyone.
I’m pregnant again, so this time around I know what to expect and ask for. If people are over and I feel like napping, I won’t pressure myself to entertain or even be out in the living room with them; if they want to coo at the baby they can, but I’ll be napping in the next room.
I also like your point about the little knick knacks that people can offer. My sister was really good about this; she’d ask what did I need from the grocery (“I need honey,” I said) and also brought me a TV series on DVD to watch.
It seems like we get a little wiser each time around, doesn’t it? I hope your postpartum rest is just what you hope for this next time around! 🙂
One of my favorite gifts to parents of a new baby, especially those with other children is to stock the freezer with pre-cooked meals- breakfast, lunch and dinner. I will freeze a few dozen healthy muffins, spaghetti sauce, baked chicken strips, lasagna, (all homemade of course!) etc etc etc. So on those days when no one is coherent enough to cook for themselves or the kids they can just pull a meal out of the freezer and easy as heating up they have a healthy meal.
I love that you do breakfasts and lunches too, Deanna. I do think sometimes that the “dinner deliveries” have become so common and expected that some people end up with trays full of lasagna-esque food and yet nothing for other meals and snacks. Good thinking!
Thank you, Sarah, for a great post! This brings back a lot of memories. My favorite postpartum gifts were the visits from girlfriends bearing lunch. Worst thing ever was the flowers. Who needs or enjoys flowers after giving birth? Not me. We received several bouquets after my son was born, but we also had two cats in the house that liked to eat them. We had to shuttle all the vases into our bedroom at night. One night, while my husband and I were desperately trying to soothe our colicky son, we left the bedroom door open and a cat proceeded to go in and eat the flowers. While doing this, he inadvertently knocked over the vase which spilled water all over (and into) my nightstand. Said cat then proceeded to barf up the eaten greenery on the living room floor. What fun it was to have a screaming newborn while cleaning up water and cat barf. (No wonder my husband doesn’t want more kids.) Needless to say, all the flowers went home with my mother-in-law the next day and I would NEVER buy flowers as a baby gift. I love the fruit bouquet idea though! Must remember that one.
HAHA, note to self: NEVER send flowers (I don’t think I would at this point, but I’m sure I have in my pre-kids days). 🙂
Oh my goodness yes! To further complicate matters, what I wanted/needed was also different after *each* baby. For the first few, I wanted company, but for the last two I wanted to be alone more. So it really does pay to ask and never assume 🙂
Carrie, that occurred to me after writing this and reading all the wonderful comments. I’ve pretty much put it out there that these are the ways I’d love to be cared for when Baby #3 arrives, and wouldn’t it be just my luck if I totally changed my mind in all these areas? I guess I reserve the right to do so? When in doubt, blame hormones?? Thanks for the comment. 🙂
Mark me as one of those people that just wanted to be left alone. It annoyed me that my in laws after being told we just wanted some time to get used to there being three of us insisted on driving out “just to see the baby and make sure he’s okay.” I was exhausted after being up almost 48 hours with only an hour or so sleep at a time (labor started in the middle of the night and our first night did not go smoothly with waking hourly) and people kept wanting to take my son and hold him and breath on him. It probably didn’t help that I am very introverted, he was my first child, and I was very sleep deprived. I was lucky enough to have my husband home with me for the first 3 weeks. We were both much more secure in our new parent roles by the time he went back to work and most of the crazy hormone roller coaster ride had subsided. I’d also had a chance to get slightly more sleep by that point and could handle short visits without wanting to scream at people to “go away!”
Katelyn, I’m so glad you chimed in because it’s so important to stress that just as I like company, others really need to be LEFT. ALONE. Thanks so much for reading. 🙂
This is a great article! I love the grocery bag idea, so quick and easy to pull off when you have a bunch of little ones of your own running around. I received a Honey Baked Ham as a baby gift. It was a life saver and smelled like I had actually been cooking all day- I’m sure it even made me cry. We have been sending out PeaPod grocery delivery gift certificates for our many out of state friends with new babys. You can order what you need online and they deliver it to your door…amazing! We used this service when our 3rd was born.
I loved the Target offers too. The best food was when someone brought dessert even Chips Ahoy cookies.
A girlfriend that I have doesn’t have a car, so I offered to take her and baby to follow up spots. She was grateful.
I would like to know if you or anyone has any questions that would be helpful for a new young mom to ask the doctor before baby comes or even the breastfeeding consultant before baby. I’m 18 and 30 weeks pregnant so I don’t really know all the right questions and I am very scared nervous and an emotional wreck. Also is there any questions to ask in the hospital before I leave or anything to ask to make the time at home easier? I’m also a single parent with a roommate who will be working and a mom who is still newlywed stage and just a promotion. It’s the first grandbaby on her side and my step dads so everyone is kinda new at this.
When I read the first paragraph I cried. I was wondering I was told that if you ask to have the baby on your chest located on top of your breasts that it’s easier for your milk to come in? some say yes some say no?
Thanks Sarah! I was looking for ideas for a friend who just had a baby. I have had two babies myself, but I never knew what to ask for. I know I loved meals, visits from friends, people who washed my dishes, and a chance to take a shower. I love your idea about taking pictures and developing them!
I think your insights are so valuable re: entitling your self to ask for,( and even recognizing) what you might need post partum, honoring the likelihood of your emotional vulnerability, appreciating that everybody’s preferences may be different. I am so glad to read that you young mothers are so much more comfortable with your complexity! Not sure that even if I read your blog over 40 years ago I would have understood the wisdom in your words. I was invested in being full of love and light, and it seemed as though everybody else was too! So i was very unprepared for my emotional ups and downs, my sense of ineptness, and judged myself for even having to ask.
I would like to heartfully credit your contribution to new mothers here, and to the people who love them. (I just came to your site trying to be helpful in 2013 ways to my sweet niece, a new Mother).congratulations! and thanks for the suggestions….