Don’t get me wrong, making friends isn’t easy: it requires patience, it requires putting ourselves out there, it requires facing possible rejection, it requires a bit of bravery…it’s just hard.
But I believe your future friends are out there somewhere–and it’s worth sticking it out until you find them. This “getting to know other parents” stuff won’t just happen on its own; it requires effort and often, a little discomfort on our part.
So how to move past the “it’s hard” stuff and forge friendships anyway? Here are five tough-love principles to help:
1. Be honest.
It’s not easy to admit that we’re needy, is it? But sometimes that’s just what we have to do to get the other person’s attention and make the best use of limited time. So say what you’re thinking, like: “I just moved to town, and don’t know any other moms yet. Do you know of any playgroups or mom get-togethers around here?” I bet you’d be surprised how readily the other mom will cough up the info. Who knows: she might be thinking the same thing and will be thrilled you took the first step.
2. Be open.
It’s tempting to scout only for other moms who seem to do things the same way you do or have a similar lifestyle to yours. But most of the time, you can’t judge another mom’s parenting, life, or values by the few minutes you see her in public. Besides, who knows? It might seem like you have nothing in common–she drove up in her brand-new Lexus while you rattled up in your ten-year-old beater; you’re there with your laptop and a mother’s helper while she’s frolicking barefoot with her kids–but you might find a surprising amount of simpatico in somebody who, on the surface, seems like your complete opposite. Plus, even if the two of you aren’t meant to be best buddies, she might be able to connect you to a larger group. Bottom line: you have nothing to lose by striking up a conversation.
3. Be around.
You know that mom everybody seems to know–the social butterfly who always has somebody to talk to and seems to know all the preschool gossip? I’m guessing if you watch her for a while, you’ll realize that part of her secret to social success is simply being around.It’s tougher for moms who work during the day or those of us who have multi-aged children and can’t volunteer in the classroom or chaperon every field trip, but we can still look for opportunities to be visible:
- Maybe you could get to daycare drop-off or pick-up a few minutes early so you have a chance to chat up the other parents.
- Perhaps you can volunteer to run concessions at soccer, rip tickets at the school silent auction, or take on some other high-visibility after-hours function.
- If there aren’t any after-hours school functions, maybe it’s time to talk to your child’s teacher or coach about helping working parents feel more involved by scheduling some evening or weekend events.
I’m going to be honest with you here: I hate ripping tickets, running concessions and waiting around outside a classroom for school to let out, so I totally understand why you might not want to sign on for those jobs. But if you’re lonely, sometimes you gotta suck it up and show up anyway.
4. Be specific.
When it’s time for one of you to go, don’t say something vague like, “Well, I guess I’ll see you around…” or “It would be great to get together again…” Trust me: it’ll never happen. Set a date, or ask for her email address so you can get in touch when you get home. And if somebody else tries to make a date with you, do your best to be available! Again, if you want to meet people, you have to show up. Also, a word for those of you who, like me, would much rather people just dropped by than trying to schedule everything: unfortunately, much of the rest of the world doesn’t really work like that. I have friends with whom I schedule get-togethers via a “Want 2 come over 4 lunch?” text message at 10 AM, but that kind of seat-of-pants planning absolutely wouldn’t work for the other 75% of moms I know. If you really want to strike up a friendship you sometimes have to play by the other person’s social rules, and that might mean–shudder–scheduling two-hour playdates two weeks in advance with somebody who lives three doors down. That doesn’t mean you can’t hang on to your last-minute come-on-over policy, of course; just that you can’t assume it’ll work for other people’s schedules or sense of propriety.
5. Be persistent.
Don’t give up if your first few efforts at reaching out aren’t reciprocated. It’s almost certainly not personal. I’ve let plenty of balls drop with perfectly lovely women who I really would like to develop a friendship with…only I’m slammed with deadlines, or my two-year-old has decided she won’t nap at all if I don’t get her down precisely at 1:12 PM (and playgroup starts at 1:00), or my life is simply feeling really full and I can’t add one more thing…even if it’s just a coffee date. As a mom with a similarly full life, I’m sure you can relate. So instead of writing off that other mom as too snobby or wondering if you smell weird, just chalk it up to the two of you operating on different frequencies at the moment, try again, and if there’s still no response…move on.
Have you found that being open, persistent, specific, around, or honest has helped you make friends? If you’ve got a great support network, what’s your secret?
Like this post? Check out some of my other posts on mom friendships:
- Dealing with mom cliques? 5 ways to create your own in-crowd
- Social-life obstacles…and solutions
- How can we stay friends? What moms and child-free women want one another to know
Photo by Serge Melki via Flickr Creative Commons
Man. It’s hard. I think for me the struggle has been finding women I click with. I find having something in common (aside from being moms) helps a lot. I have “gym” friends, “photography” friends, “christian” friends, “knitting” friends. But I only have one or two “through thick and thin” great friends. I like your ideas. 🙂
Absolutely. It’s hard to make friends with people based solely on your status as “mom” and sometimes those friendships can feel forced. They’re a good starting point, but somewhere along the line it helps to connect on other levels, too.
We’re really lucky–we live in a neighborhood with probably 10 or so kids within a few months of Baguette, and that’s only on our street and the next one. We’ve started a Facebook group that has let to playdates, returned pacifier leashes, and moms’ nights out.
But we also met a pair of parents at a playground. We were supervising Baguette, and they were supervising their daughter who is a couple of months younger, and hit it off–so I suggested that we exchange phone numbers, and then we connected on Facebook. We’re only in their part of town about once a month, but we’ll let them know next time we’re there so that we can all try to get to the playground at the same time.
So maybe that’s #6: Be brave.
Love that! Yes, be brave. Because most likely they want to talk to you just as much as you want to talk to them.
Oh, this is so right. I particularly like “be specific” because so often “let’s get together” materializes into … exactly nothing. And I find that generally specific, proactive outreach tends to generate actual plans. I agree that it’s “hard” but also that it’s worth it … have fun at Blissdom!
Good to read this. I work 45 mins away from home and my kids come down to school with me so making friends in the area we live is challenging. I’m getting there but it is a very SLOW process. Thanks for reminding me to keep at it!
Agree! It’s kinda hard to make friends with other moms and hard to find true friend with them. You must consider those 5 tough love principles first. Thanks for sharing list.
I love all these “hints” at mommy-friend making and have also used all of them. Another thing I like to do is simply organize “mass playdates” and invite loads of folks to them with the “feel free to invite a friend” maxim. when you mix folks up like that it gives you a chance to meet other moms AND it gives shyer moms an opportunity to bring support if they are intimidated by meeting new folks.
I think the elephant in this post that wasn’t mentioned is that sometimes, what makes making friends so hard is our kids are often “involved” in the friendship. For example, if your kid doesn’t get along with the other mom’s kid, it is going to make it that much more difficult to forge a friendship.
YES YES YES! You beat me to it as I was going to bring up the same thing. As my kids are getting older I’m learning that just because my child is friends with another child doesn’t mean I have to be BFF’s with the mom. Same goes with a mom I click really well with — that the kids don’t have to become friends. We can try and plan activities around this. For example one mom – we are building a great friendship over phone calls, email, meeting for lunch, going to a play, etc.
VERY true. I think that is especially the case when kids are younger, because they are so front-and-center in the friendship. But as they get older and spending more time in school/activities, you can more easily arrange to get together with friends without necessarily having the kids involved.
I actually have a very small number of friends with whom I regularly hang out with with all the kids. I have a good excuse since I have so many 🙂 but it also gets easier as kids get older.
You are right that it is especially challenging for moms who work outside the home. I have extended invitations to weekend play dates and our family movie nights with some success but it is challenging.
As a working mom, I really need to spent a great fun with my friends.. I think taking a break for work and having hang outs with my late and present friend to gain a refreshing means…
I just stumbled on your blog and I love the practicality of this post. I might have to share it. 🙂 I talk about the importance of friends and “third places” here: http://emilyelizabethstone.com/2012/02/11/london-and-sally/
and here: http://emilyelizabethstone.com/2011/09/05/third-places/
in slightly less practical terms. I love how you tell moms to be persistent and to be around. Great advice.
When I was a working mom, I thought everyone I knew stayed home. Then when I became a stay-at-home-mom, I thought everyone I knew was working.
For me, the key to making mom friends has been to join moms’ groups. I joined a few different ones. Some weren’t a good fit, and I eventually quit. One was a great fit and feels like home to me. Those are the women I now call my friends.
All that said, I don’t think you can overstate the importance of having local friends. It is just such a blessing to have support and encouragement (and a friend to babysit while you go to the gynecologist or whatever).
A big take-away from your comment – you have to have the courage to quit sometimes. Not all groups are going to be a good fit and they might be taking up time/energy that you could put into finding a better one for you!
I was excited to share this blog post on my blog here: http://emilyelizabethstone.com/2012/02/25/saturday-sampling/
Love it!
Yep, as others have said, there are the times when the kids click and the moms don’t, when the moms click and the kids don’t and then those very special times when both the moms and the kids click.
Also, as someone who has moved a couple of times with small children, just keep trying. Remember that everyone has a very full life that up until now has not included you. It will take some time before they think of you when they’ve got some spare time or are looking for lunch plans. It’s not personal, you just have to keep trying to get on people’s radar.
“Remember that everyone has a very full life that up until now has not included you. It will take some time before they think of you when they’ve got some spare time or are looking for lunch plans. It’s not personal, you just have to keep trying to get on people’s radar.” YES! Love the way you put this.
5 very wise ideas but I will add one, which is “to always show a genuine interest.
I recently had a friend ask me how I made friends with other parents from daycare and my only answer I could articulate was that I forced myself on them! It wasn’t comfortable, but I had to “ask them out”, give them my email or get theirs and then follow up. It turned out that most people I approached were just as eager to meet other parents. It isn’t the most natural thing, but it is definitely worth it to have a group of parents that you can hang out with. Also I think it’s important to set the expectation internally that these people may not turn out to be your BFFs but they can still be valued relationships.
You’re so right – it’s fine to have “just for now” friends or “in the same boat” friends. Sometimes we naturally form friendships based on circumstances, and they may or may not last forever. That’s OK! That doesn’t mean they weren’t important relationships.
ima new mommy and desperately need to hok up with some other hip new mommas..this article was a great read! thanks
I’m a lonely 55 year old disabled woman and I have no friends. I have a boyfriend but he never wants to do anything. I don’t have much money so doing things that cost is a no no. I have two adult sons 18 and 26. The 18 Matt is lovely. He’s even inviting me over to see movies or do things like go to dinner (but that costs money). My 16 year old Jason is ADD with Mood disorders. He is currently in a rehab (that I helped him find, second one by the way). The only time I hear from him is when he needs something. A ride is the only thing I will give him. My boyfriend is a piece of work. He has a felony background but has changed and does not do anything against the law anymore. The problem is he doesn’t do anything, doesn’t want to do anything, and doesn’t want to go anywhere. He’s boring. All he does is watch sports on TV and play games on the computer. He has his spot on the couch and that is where he stays until he goes to bed (during the week). On the weekends he sleeps on the couch so he can watch his semi x rated movies (that I don’t like).
I have a disability called neuropathy. My feet are numb to the point that they are very painful. I take morphine twice a day for the pain. I have percocets for bleed over pain but I can’t take it because then I can’t drive because I start nodding off and my foot falls of the brake pedal. I sleep all day most of the time because I am bored or do not want to deal with my boyfriend. I need some friends desperately. I live in El Cajon, CA (San Diego) and I won’t complain about the above because you alread know about it. Could someone be my friend? I want to go out and do things. I can use some money, but not a lot. I lost all my friends when I got layed off my job after being sick for 3 months. My boss was given my job. And yes she got fired within 30 days of my leaving. I don’t want to go back to that job, but then due to my medical condition, I can’t go back to work. Please someone contact me from my area to be my friend?? Thank you
Good advice. But how do you know you’re not putting out a desperate or vibe?