Oh, those enviable Joneses. So happy. So...imaginary.
It’s a beautiful, sunny Wednesday here – and we’re about to clean out our epically messy garage. I’m not sure why, but yard work always brings out my inner green-eyed monster – maybe because I never feel like I have the time, talent, budget or skills to create the beautiful kind of yard “everyone else” seems to have. So I thought I’d dig up this post from last May, in case some of you are feeling that way, too. Enjoy!
When, not so very long ago, I was a twenty-year-old new mom living in a small apartment and scrounging for change to put gas in our ancient Volkswagen (which was always shooting steam out of the hood and broke down just as often as it made it home) the very idea of “keeping up with the Joneses” was laughable.
Still, I always figured that even as our incomes increased, we’d have an easy time telling the Joneses to stick it. I have never cared about driving a new car, go out of my way to avoid logo clothing, and we have always kept birthdays and Christmases simple as a matter of principle.
But what I found as I reached 30 and beyond is that “keeping up with the Joneses” isn’t always about reaching for excessive materialism. Those Joneses can tippy-toe into your life in all kinds of sneaky ways. That other mom’s skill in finding adorable designer clothes at thrift stores. That other family’s ability to keep their grass at a perfect, just-mowed height, while you’re wondering how on earth yours grew six inches overnight. The neighbor kids who play every sport from the time they can toddle on both feet.
Over the years I’ve gotten pretty good at ignoring the imaginary Joneses in my head telling me I need to do, have, or buy this or that, but sometimes the pressure becomes great enough that I have to take a few steps back and do some emotional self-coaching. Here’s what I try to remind myself:
1. You get to choose who influences you. Of course, this depends somewhat on where you live and work, as well as who your relatives are. I know there are always areas of more affluence where the pressure to live big is high and everywhere you look. But most ordinary folk live pretty ordinary lives, albeit some with nicer cars and bigger houses than others, and I am confident that none of my friends – including the “have a lots” – would think less of me because I “have not” a country club membership, kids on a prestigious traveling sports team, or yearly two-week family vacation to the shore.
Bottom line: to a large degree, we get to choose the people who influence us. And if we spend time with people who make us feel “less than”, it’s probably wise to look elsewhere for friends. And if we surround ourselves with other like-minded people much of the time, it can help counter any negative, not-good-enough messages we get from people we can’t avoid (co-workers, family, etc.)
2. The Joneses don’t really exist. Nobody has it all. And sometimes we get the idea (probably from TV!) that ‘everybody else’ has X, Y, or Z, and then it turns out it’s just not true.
Here’s an example. A couple of weeks ago I started thinking about what to do with our front yard, which right now is basically just a square of patchy, weedy grass. I’d been feeling sheepish about our yard, convinced it was the ugliest in the neighborhood. I thought I’d go walk down the historic street in town where some of the most beautiful old houses in town reside (the same vintage as mine, but bigger, closer to the beach, and more expensive) to check out other yards for inspiration.
I assumed that since those houses are grander and pricier, that the yards would be nicer, too. And some were beautiful. But guess what? At least half of the yards I passed were every bit as ragged as ours!
Sure, there are really people who seem to have it all, but appearances can be deceiving. Maybe some of the “Joneses” in your life look to you as their personal Joneses.
3. Are you “going without”, or are you choosing what matters to you? I’m pretty secure in my choices, but I’m only human: every now and then, self-doubt creeps in: should my kids be involved in more sports? Should I work more to earn more so we can have more…something? When I find myself wondering whether I’m shortchanging my boys by not signing them up for more activities, or whether we’d be happier with new living-room furniture, it helps to re-frame the question: would I give up this for that?
When I take a close look at my life, I realize I really love our quiet evenings at home, the time we all have to spend together, and the fact that I can blow off work on nice afternoons to hang out at the park with the kids. If I tried to be more like a family with “more”, I might have to give up my time and freedom, which I really value. We can’t have it all, and when it comes down to it, I’d really rather be Us than the Joneses.
And that’s a good thing to keep in mind as I work on being grateful for my garage…messy as it might be.
Have you been surprised by some of the subtle ways those mythical “Joneses” creep into your consciousness? Any other tips for ignoring them?
This is the fourth post in a series about money and finances here at The Happiest Mom. You can find part 1 – my five financial pitfalls – here, part 2 – all about creating financial goals – here, and part 3 – “how much money is enough?” - here.
{ 41 comments… read them below or add one }
I found your blog via twitter. Thanks for a little reminder to keep my priorities straight and major on the majors. I find especially as a new mommy I struggle to be a good mom just like Mommy X, Y and Z. Unfortunately I don’t have any tips for ignoring the Joneses. I will be watching your blog to see if anyone else does though!
I can completely relate to this post … when I was 22, the notion of “keeping up with the Joneses” was laughable; I was struggling just to pay car insurance, health insurance, rent, groceries, etc. All my friends were in the same boat, and some still are. Plus, I’m not materialistic. I figured I was at no risk of keeping-up syndrome.
But now, I feel like I’m “at that age” where I should have — if not a nicer car — at least a cleaner one. Like, I should take it to the car wash once every so often. And maybe get it detailed once or twice a year.
And aren’t I now “at that age” where I should stop buying clothes at thrift stores?
And aren’t I now “too old” to be renting?
Yep, the Joneses are starting to creep …..
I think I’ve felt more pressure from keeping up with the Joneses due to family than from friends. You can choose friends with similar values but there’s not much you can do about family. With my friends, I know their individual struggles and we don’t judge each other at all. However, with in-laws that I don’t know as well, there is definitely more judgment. I also see their lives on a more superficial level and can’t help but notice that they outspend us in every way (even with debts). They own a home, buy the best for their kids, take better vacations, etc..
I would like to learn to ignore the Joneses without going the route of focusing on their shortcomings or hoping they’re miserable (i.e. I know that they just went to Hawaii, but she’s 10 pounds heavier and her husband drinks too much…haha). In other words, I would love good tips on dodging the envy monster.
It sounds like dealing with envy is a big issue for more than one person – and probably needs its own blog post or three! Will definitely tackle that later. OH, and I think that you can embrace your own life without thinking other people are miserable in theirs – I hope that it didn’t come off like I was saying “The Joneses ARE MISERABLE!” Though, if they are some fictional characters we’ve created in our heads to stand in for all the things we don’t have but wish we did, maybe there’s no harm in thinking they are a LITTLE.
“And if we spend time with people who make us feel “less than” for any reason, it’s probably wise to look elsewhere for friends.”
What if the problem is not the people we spend time with making us feel “less than” but us being around people who have more makes us feel less than? In other words, they’re not making us feel it, we are. It seems pretty coldhearted to drop the friends I have had for over 20 years because I can’t control my jealousy, but at the same time, I can’t.
Good point Kiki. I think what you’re talking about is internal vs external pressure – i.e. your friends aren’t MAKING you feel less-than, but somehow, you’re feeling it anyway. It looks like envy and jealousy are topics that we should probably cover – definitely will tackle those in another post.
I think there is such a fine line with friends who make you feel “less than” and friends who are so non-judgemental. I have a friend who essentially “has it all”, money, shore house, designer clothes, you name it! But she is so kind-hearted, nice, never does she impose any of her “riches” so to speak on me or anyone else. I do not feel jealous by any means being around her. But then I have friends who constantly talk about the newest and greatest whatever….The designer tank tops she bought for her daughter, or the expensive summer camp she is sending her kids to this summer, or the new restaurant that just opened. “What, you havent been there yet???” Those are the people like Meagan said who I just need to spend less time with. They are the ones who make me feel “less than”, not “jealous”. Great post, would love to see more on the subject
Yes a post on envy and jealousy would be great! I totally agree about surrounding yourself with like-minded people and people who will support you in your goals. Which isn’t too hard when it comes to our friends but I also have some in-law Joneses.
I do use trick number 3 a lot though. I mean . . . their weekend birthday trips each year sound fun when they talk about them, but would I rather have a couple of weekend getaways, or a larger trip to place where we’ve got the time to actually relax and explore? Or, would I really want the responsibility of maintenance and gas costs for that brand new sports car they just got, or enjoy the extra exercise and people-watching opportunities from walking and taking transit?
It’s interesting that you mention jealousy and envy together, because I don’t think I’ve ever really had any issues with envy in my life, but I have been surprised to see how jealous I can be at times.
The kid activity thing is a huge envy/pressure spot for me, so thanks for acknowledging that. I know in my heart of hearts that limiting the kids’ activities (they do plenty, but much less, particularly sports-wise, than many in our very sports-crazy town) is good for us both financially and as a family. Right now, we have two kids in one sport each and a 5th grader with tons of end-of-year recitals, concerts, and special activities before moving on to middle school. We’re all exhausted and our budget is taking a hit from the expenses associated with all this activity, including more take-out because we have 30 minutes between one activity and another. Definitely would not want this pace all year long. But second guess myself a whole lot. Soccer is practically a birthright where we live, and none of my kids play soccer.
Yards are also a big envy/pressure spot, since I’m a gardener but don’t have the time or money to do it as well as I’d like.
I remind myself that there have been times in our life when our neighbors probably have thought we “have it all.” There have been times when we’ve had some extra money, because we just sold a house or my parents gave us a financial gift, so we did a bunch of home improvements at once. From the outside, we probably look like rich folk who can do whatever we want. But we aren’t, just lucky to have supportive families and live in a place where the real estate values have helped us get an influx of cash a couple of times. So when I start envying others and wishing I had what they do, I remind myself that they are probably just as stretched and uneven as we are.
I agree that TV and other media really do influence our (mis)perceptions of the Joneses and it’s definitely not a coincidence that the images promote consumption.
I also agree with Kiki that a lot of the pressure is internal. When it is external, well, it says more about them than about you. I find that a lot of people struggle with being genuinely happy for you in your choices if those choices do not validate theirs. For example, one of the things that helps us live below our means is that we live in a smallish home (under 1200 sf condo apt, so no yard*). Sure I’d like more space but it’s what we can comfortably afford given that we’ve prioritized short commutes. It’s amazing how many people will question the validity of that housing arrangement for a family that will very soon have 3 young children. Sometimes it’s curiosity or a lack of imagination (you don’t see that on TV, after all) but a lot of times it is challenging and clearly judgemental. But, yeah, like oilandgarlic said, it’s hard not to think, “well, they’re just house-poor and calling sour grapes.”
I get a lot of extra-curricular activity pressure from the MIL and FIL: “How are they supposed to become intellectual prodigies if they don’t have early and rigorous classical music training?! You are destroying their IQs!” Happily though, they are very supportive of the condo thing, not just for the money aspect but because they can see that it works for us.
*added bonus for me in a yardless apartment (and maybe anyone else who would consider down-sizing): no mowing, weeding, shovelling, or landscaping!
Funny story: there was a family actually named Jones with a daughter my age who was prettier & more popular than me in high school and a son who got to play baseball while my brother sat the bench. Lol. But you know, they had a lot going for them, but they weren’t as smart as us or as creative, which I think illustrates your point nicely; it’s easy to see what the Jones’ have that you don’t, but no one really ever “has it all” so you may or may not be able to figure out what specifically, but there’s sure to be something about you that’s “better” than the Jones’ or at least unique and positive!
I find that a quiet air of superiority works for me.
Seriously, I rationalize all choices we’ve made as being the best for our family because we’re different than other folks and, as Dan Gilbert suggests, that is the key to happiness and contentment.
That and avoiding commercials.
There are some psychological tricks that cause us to base our beliefs about what is average on things that are vivid rather than average. So the one really nice lawn sticks in our mind, the really nice car etc. (even if the person with the lawn doesn’t have the car). We have to remember that everyone is making trade-offs, even if the trade-off they’re making is invisible to us, like debt. I remember when we lived in a duplex (driving an ancient VW bug with holes rusted through the floor– I loved that car!) the duplex owners living in the other half who had all sorts of nice stuff we didn’t have went through bankruptcy.
I think of it that way, too. We all make choices, and there are consequences of those choices, good or bad or indifferent. We have chosen to live in a pretty affluent area to send our kids to good schools, and have a nice place for them to grow up. the consequence of that is to be surrounded by the “bubble of wealth” where it seems like everyone has two cars, usually newer and nicer than ours, and their houses are more nicely furnished, etc. But we have barely any debt, so yes we are driving a six-year-old van (and not an expensive one to start with) but we OWN that van and have no payments on it, yes we have a couch that has seen better days, but we have barely any mortgage on our house. Every choice has pluses and minuses, and I choose to remind myself of that when I see other Moms in my neighbourhood wearing their name-brand clothing and pushing 500$ strollers.
I have to chime in on the family issue. Oilandgarlic was right on – we can pick our friends but not our family/in-laws. It is hard mental work to stay OK with our family choices when you know you’re not living up to your in-laws/parents expectations. This causes some grief between hubby and I as his parent’s judgments clouds his ability to be content with our simpler lifestyle. And — the house thing weighs in on this for us as well. We recently downsized (not even for financial reasons but to live in a more urban/liberal area and decrease commute time) and his family has “no imagination” in this area either. Everyone keeps telling us we can’t possible expect to stay in this house once our two kids reach teen year. Seriously, our home is just under 2000 sf for goodness sake, but I live in a part of the country (and income bracket) where the expected thing to do is keep moving further out into the burbs to buy bigger, newer, fancier homes – and where most people think you need 3000 sf (or more) to raise a family “the right way”. I find this very offensive, since I was raised in a 1200 sf, simple, home. Anyway, maybe the problem here (and future topic) is the stress between partners. My hubby is truly not materialistic, but is sensitive to his family’s judgments, so it makes it challenging for us to reach common ground sometime.
I have a similar problem with my in-laws. They are as bad as we think young people are about not seeing the fact that nobody has it all and that in many cases the person you think lives an ideal life has struggles you just don’t know about. I couldn’t say that my hubby is or is not materialistic, but he has to fight off his parents making him feel “less than” for not getting an MBA or other higher degree before we became parents, or for staying with the same company for ten years (his father wouldn’t hire him!). Why couldn’t he be a preacher and just preach on Sundays? That is the life! Why not be a college professor? All it takes is a Ph.D. and then they pay you to talk (not much, as it turns out)! One day he said something about the youngish man he saw piloting a yacht on the creek. That guy really has his act together! So young and already he has this big boat. Why couldn’t that have been me? Seriously. The guy piloting the yacht is a pilot. He probably loves his job, but he doesn’t own the boat and doesn’t have health insurance. And this is just the part of it that I hear. Maybe the idea that everyone is doing better that they are putting in his ear when I’m NOT around to tell him how ridiculous they are being is part of the reason we seem to spend so much money. Congratulations on reducing your commute, by the way. I wish we’d had more imagination!
i’m totally surprised about how much flack i get from my neighbors about stuff such as not having a big enough TV, not going on certain vacations, etc., and i even live in an area in MI that is hard-hit by unemployment (though there are also some very wealthy people). it doesn’t bother me too much, except that i feel they set themselves apart from me, rather than my feeling embarrassed about it. other than that, as a 41 year-old woman i am also totally surprised at how shallow i have become about my appearance while at the same time i am critical of others’ use of plastic surgery. the area in which i live is full of fake blonde women with skinny yoga butts, big fake boobs, face-lifts, have had mommy-makeovers, and prolly had vaginal rejuvination surgery to boot. i’m a feminist and i like to think of myself as not shallow, but i still compare myself to the other women my age who look better because of the help of a surgeon. i actually caught myself looking at a mini-facelift site and dreaming and wishing i could at least keep up with those particular joneses if not in perky boobs and yoga butts, then in at least a firm jaw, not that i can afford it.
Strangely enough, I’ve had a bit of an issue with my son’s teacher about activities. Every Monday they have to write in their journal about what they did over the weekend. She got grumpy with me because every week he wrote “This weekend we went to church”. So she told him he had to write something else. We are on a pretty limited budget, and I am working all week right now, so mostly what we do on weekends is have a movie night, hang around the house, go to the park, and go to church. This gives us a chance to reconnect after out week. But my son’s teacher keeps informing me, “The other kids say they went to the movies. Or they went to the mall. Or they went out somewhere. Every week your son says “I played with my brother” or “I watched a movie”.” So we look “bad” because we spend time together on the weekends instead of dragging out kids all over the world on our one day off.
When my daughter started school and had to tell her “news” of what she did on the weekend, she told her class that she didn’t do anything, so the teacher asked her if she went somewhere and she implied that she never even left the house at all (when we had been out and about doing things that we rarely even do), so the teacher asked her what she had for breakfast, and that was her weekend news – she had cereal for breakfast!
I think your teacher should not be commenting on your son’s news. They are all good things that he says, and you shouldn’t be expected to do something exciting (read expensive) with your child every weekend, so that they can announce it for school. Maybe he just needs to expand on his news, like say what games he played with his brother, or what the movie was about or what he learnt in church that weekend.
If you had your 5 kids in more activities you would be so overwelmed! we have 5 too and they are not in any sports or activities and our neighbors think we are weird! they spend so much time and money on sports. I like to do our own activities, and dave ramsey says weird is good.
I would also very much like to see a discussion and tips on how to control envy and/or jealousy. My husband and I have been together for 6 years now and not once during that time have I felt jealous of my in laws until we all started having kids. Has this happened to anyone else?
Those Joneses! I can’t stand them!
If I have a tip for not keeping up with the Joneses, I suppose it’s to try not to “hang out” too much with Jones-y type people. When I find myself in a group that’s way too “are you doing this,” “oh, you have to have that” I try to remove myself from them or the situation. Because you are so right – there is an insidiousness to the Joneses mentality and it can creep in before you even realize it’s happened!
I always remind myself that much of what people work so hard to be able to buy is free time. Cut out the middle man, I say, and work less hard and spend more of your time as you like to begin with!
Love this thought Shannon! This is very very true for me! We do spend a lot of time, money, and effort to be able to “relax” and “enjoy life”…it probably doesn’t need to be that complicated.
Great example with the activities. I feel like “kid stuff” is where I see the most pressure to buy, buy, buy.
Like you (again) we have felt the pinch financially from activities, and stuff for the kids so so much more than we realized we would. That has caused us to stay in debt longer than we expected which means we have less to spend-it’s such a vicious cycle!
I know the Joneses have it tougher in other ways. In our area they are typically 10-15 years older than us or have a smaller family-neither of which I’m willing or able! to change.
I remember years ago my neighbor asked what my husband did (I was a SAHM and they were both working parents) and we talked a bit about working versus staying at home, and I realized she thought we were the Joneses. It made me very aware of what my life might look like on the outside versus how I felt, and since then I’ve tried to remember that when finances feel tight.
Wow. It is amazing how your posts so often corespond to my mental state.
Two things comes to mind as I read the post and the comments:
I have a 4 month old baby who has been breast fed and bottle fed. Because I can’t make enough milk for him due to a breast reduction I had 8 years ago. My friends know about the surgery, know why we give him formula, but I still hate it. I don’t want to be a bottle feeding mom. Each time I give him a bottle, I think about my friend’s freezer literally full of breast milk cubes and feel like shit. I don’t judge those who choose to bottle feed so harshly, just myself. (sigh)
And, I have two step kids – the spend about half their time with us, and half with their mom. Their mom jam-packs their schedules with activities and weekend travel (the kids are 6 and 8), and we only have religious school and the occasional Brownie event on our days (mom signed her up for Brownies and it is only once a month). We feel like we still don’t have enough time when the kids are with us to do everything they want to do – play outside with their friends, practice bike riding and roller blading, play piano, play with each other, cook, etc…I don’t know how people do it, but with all three kids in our house, we try to back off and give them space to just play!
I can definitely relate. Being in our mid 30′s with 3 kids ages 5 and under puts a bit of a strain on both time and money. I am a stay at home homeschooling mom who never used to care what The Joneses thought because I am raising my family in a way that is true to my heart.
However, just recently I have started to feel some pressure from folks around me asking me about what my kids “do” all day etc. I have always felt like if my child (children) express an interest in something, I will do my best to involve them in that interest. I have been feeling the pressure to enroll them in something or come across as a bad mom. I have to continue to remind myself that it’s up to us..not the Joneses.
I have also had issues with in-laws wanted to replace the things of mine that they didn’t think were up to par.
I’m glad to see this post as it helps to hear what other folks are “putting up with”!
The one thing I struggle with is jealousy regarding travel. I am fine with having less stuff and a smaller house (less to clean!), but I want so badly to travel. I have yet to go to my husband’s native country so when I see people around us traveling internationally, it’s hard not to turn green with envy. Especially because it’s not only about money, it’s also about having the ability to take time off from work and that is not in my control.
Another great article but I’m late to the game again. I also enjoyed many of the comments.
Like you, we’re never had a problem with the Jonses when it came to material things, but now that have kids, I hear you about the activities!! Our kids are 1, 2.5, 5, and nearly 7 — we do ZERO formal activiites with them. We enjoy spending our nights and weekends as a family at home, or going to parks, zoos, musuems, etc. But there is SO MUCH PRESSURE and I find my self questioning our choices. Facebook is bad in this way too — because all my friends an family post pictures of their kids doing all sorts of activities. Then I start wondering if we are short changing our kids. But this is what I’ve seen — these sports crazed parents (I live in Texas) want their kid to be the next Tiger Woods of whichever sport. They get them started at two or three so their kid is the best. They hold them back in Kinder so their kid will be bigger/stronger/faster/etc for sports. Well, some of my son’s classmates – by Kinder these poor kids are burned out and DON’T want to play the sports anymore. There was a parent my husband met who had spent a fortune in time and money on their daughter’s volleyball career through high school – traveling leagues, etc. She got a scholarship to play in college, but turned it down because she didn’t want to play volleyball anymore. The parents were livid. I don’t want to be those parents. But I do see the positives in activities as they get older, so it will be interesting to find that balance in the years to come.
I am by no means perfect on this, but something I’m working on! I find that its easier to keep the envy/resentment at bay when I frame my choices (and yes, they are mostly choices) for not spending my time/money on XYZ as a POSITIVE (living towards our priorities/values) rather than a negative(lack of time or money). i.e. we don’t have flatscreen TV/luxury car/fancy vacations/travel soccer because we want to live debt-free/save for a purchase/spend more time with each other/believe kids should have unstructured time. I guess its somewhat like your #3 tip. It helps to actually have thought through what those priorities and goals are, of course, and for you and your spouse to be in agreement. That way, when its you against the world (or your in-laws) you can feel more secure that your choices are right for your family.
true! all true! as much as i hate to admit it. Living in L.A. it’s so easy to get caught up in the “Joneses” madness. Great tips to put things in perspective.
It’s easy to say, well, the Jones’ have a flat-screen television, but they are actually miserable people who live above their means and have a ton of debt. But then, you are just turning your envy into spite, right? Trading in one negative emotion for another, even more toxic one. Which is not so great.
Plus, maybe they DON’T live above their means. Maybe they don’t have any debt! Maybe they just make different choices. Or maybe they inherited a bunch of money from their parents, you know? Maybe life just isn’t fair … there will always be people with more, and there will always be people with less, and it isn’t always about merit or hard work.
It’s hard, but I think the only antidote is to focus on gratitude for what you do have, you know? Not that I always manage this – but it’s a goal of mine.
Just wanted to say how much I relate to #3. I get myself all worked up over one issue or another and then it dawns on me that the choices I have made have been value-driven. I am therefore leading a life that aligns with my values (and those of my hubby, of course). Every time I feel that twinge of “I should be …” when I really stop to think about it, that decision would not be consistent with our value system and I would end up unhappy and feeling like I betrayed my little family.
Besides, when my first child was born, I vowed to excise the phrase “I should” from my vocabulary!
Your question about “going without” vs. making choices nails it for me. When I feel that I’m in control of my life and my spending, I’m cool. When I think that I’m being forced to go without something I want, I feel unhappy. So much of life is about owning our choices and adjusting our perspectives, and finances are no different.
I just stumbled upon your blog when I googled “we don’t make enough money to pay off our debt”. I’m hooked! : )
I do often feel that we should be in a better position than we are. My husband just turned 30 and I reach the same milestone this coming September. We have wracked up quite a bit of debt in the 10 years that we have been together. Most of it is in student loan debt, and yet neither have a degree to show for it. We both suffer from a failure to follow through and it has really hurt our finances. We have a 3 year old son and we both work full time. I have recenlty started as an advisor with a direct sales company selling jewelry, but it’s slow going. Our money seems to go out as quickly as it comes in, with daycare being as much as our monthly rent, and the utilities always being on the verge of disconnection it is hard not to feel a little desperate at times.
It seems that I have many of the same pitfalls that you do, especially “things will be better when…”. And I constantly compare our situation to those of our friends and wonder why THEY can afford a new car, new house, fun vacation when we are just wondering how we can put food on the table from week to week. Our neighbors are they type that always need to tell you what new thing they bought, or what fun activity they just took their boys to do. They are the same age as us! It’s very frustrating and I guess what I really need to keep in mind is that only we have the power to change our situation. And that it shouldn’t matter what others are doing, we can have fun in our own, thrifty ways. We will be a closer family for it! I need to learn to budget and set goals that we can reach that level of comfort that we crave.
I look forward to following your blog! You’re very relatable and your other readers give me hope in the sharing of their own experiences.
My personal Joneses aren’t those with more “stuff” than I, but those with less. I am quite content with what we have, but sometimes it all seems like too much. I imagine most people with kids find they have “stuff” piling up all around them. I have certainly seen homes that are more cluttered than mine (on Hoarders!). But the friends whose homes are free of clutter, those are the ones I am jealous of. And the kicker is that having less stuff is totally under my control. Anyone can get rid of their stuff. So why do I still have so much? What is stopping me from tossing it all out? And how do those other families keep their homes so organized and clutter free. That is the question I want those darn Joneses to answer.
Oh my goodness is this ever a good post! I just saw a movie with Demi Moore in it called The Joneses and based on this whole idea!
Let’s face it everyone has a family on their street who have the best cars, the best jobs and generally seem better than the average. Keeping up with the Jones’ is when families copy their neighbours, buy the same things and try to aspire to be like them.
I’ve never really had issues with envy. If I have, they have been very mild.
I think it id difficult to know what another person’s life is really like. They may look like they have it all, but they are most likely making a trade-off, choosing one thing in place of another, e.g. money over time with friends and family (or the other way around), a holiday instead of all the newest high-tech gadgets (or the other way around), so you just have to be happy with your choices and hope that they are happy with theirs (remember, just because their life looks perfect to you, doesn’t mean it makes them happy. They may wish their life was more like yours). Everything is a choice and a compromise.
Also, you don’t know how hard people have had to work, or what sacrifices they have had to make to have the things you envy. So I don’t like to judge others, I prefer to be happy with what I’ve got and realise that everyones life and journey is different due to to choices and circumstance.
Perhaps this mentality is because I grew up relatively poor (not in poverty, but certainly not in luxury), and was surrounded with people in a similar situation, and life was wonderful. Also, from the moment that I learnt that some people were born into violence and starvation, and we weren’t all lucky enough to have love, food and safety just because we were alive, and that it was just chance that I was born into this kind of life, I think I felt amazingly grateful to be one of the lucky ones. How old was I? Maybe 4 or 5 or 6, but that gratefulness has never faded. Imagine how many people in this world are wishing to be you because you are loved, you are safe, and food and clean water are at your finger tips.
I agree with not hanging out with people who make us feel inferior, as you say in point #1, but there have been numerous studies that indicate one’s income level never rises more than a relatively small percentage (I think it’s 10%) above the average of the five friends with whom he spends his time. So, I think it’s wise to keep company with people who are successful, but don’t try to keep up with them in your spending!