I’m excited to share this post as part of a new partnership with Disney Baby, where I’m going to have a chance to write a lot more posts geared toward expectant and new mothers. Check out the end of the post for more details!
I think most of us have our own mental list of things you should never say to a pregnant woman. You know, things like “Just you WAIT until…!”, or “Are you SURE you’re not closer to your due date than that?” Ugh, right?
But what about those things that are great to hear when you’re expecting? Those supportive, spirit-lifting, confidence-boosting statements that help an expecting mom feel encouraged and understood? Here are my three favorites:
1. “Good for you!”
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had a conversation with a pregnant woman in which she has timidly expressed her plans to have a home birth/get an epidural/go back to work/stay home/breastfeed/bottlefeed…and then visibly relaxed, brightened, and actually stood up taller when I’ve expressed confidence in her decision-making abilities.
We all thrive on praise and encouragement, and pregnancy is an especially vulnerable time when every choice feels fraught with importance and potential failure. I refuse to pile on and add to guilt, stress or uncertainty – even when a mom is planning to do the exact opposite of what I would do (or what I think I would do) in her position.
Because it’s not about me. It’s not about what I subconsciously may think is the “better” choice for her (and let’s admit it, deep down we all have our biases and preferences.)
Unless she’s explicitly asking for advice – or is confessing something truly alarming, i.e. she plans not to feed her baby, period – I think the correct answer to one of those uncertain confessions is always something along the lines of “Wow, that’s great!” or “I totally understand,” or “Sounds like you’ve really thought this through.”
It’s not always possible to be gung-ho supportive regarding a decision you feel iffy about. In that case I’ve found “Tell me more!” to be a great alternative to snap judgment, unwanted advice or criticism.
If nothing else it gives me a clearer picture of where the other woman is coming from and what’s helping to shape her decision…and it helps her feel heard and understood, too. It may also give me an opportunity to share my experiences and opinions without sounding like I’m criticizing her choices.
2. “How can I help?”
Moms to be often have a hard time asking for help…and they aren’t likely to take you up on vague offers like “Let me know if you ever need anything!” or “Need any help?” The great thing about “How can I help!?” is that it’s not a “yes”, “no”, or “okay, I will!” question. It requires some kind of specific response.
It’s possible she really hasn’t considered how somebody might be able to help her. If she looks confused or flustered, you could even make suggestions of things that you found or would have found really helpful in her position.
Maybe she needs somebody to arrange care for her dog while she’s giving birth and recovering? Maybe grocery shopping is no longer comfortable and she could use somebody to pick up a few things from the store? Maybe she could use help caring for an older child during those first few weeks postpartum?
Make a suggestion or two, see what appeals to her, and then commit before it falls by the wayside.
3. “You’re going to be a great mom.”
Deep down, every mother-to-be just wants to know she’s got this.
That she can handle the sleepless nights and endless nursing sessions and eighty million diaper changes everyone’s been telling her about.
That she has the heart, the brains, the skills and the knowledge to make excellent decisions for herself and her baby.
That not every decision has to be excellent. That love and effort and trying again will outweigh all the little mistakes she’ll make along the way.
I believe confident moms are happier moms. I believe happier moms are better moms. And I think a boost of confidence is the best gift any mother can give another.
Besides, it’s true. She is going to be a great mom. Maybe even better because you took the opportunity to tell her so. So why not do it now?
What’s your favorite thing to say to a pregnant woman?
This post is sponsored by Disney Baby. I’ll be joining the Disney Baby blogging team next month, and look forward to sharing more stories to help women make the journey to motherhood a happy one! Stay tuned for more details!
1. You look fantastic
2. Would you like to sit down?
3. Here’s a cookie.
(Courtesy of my friend Emmie.)
I’m in my 5th month with my second and hearing these three things would make my day! Hilarious!
I remember when I was 8 months pregnant and catching a bus. No one offered to stand for me to sit (but plenty of people were willing to barge past me as the were getting off of the bus, forcing my belly into a pole). I would have loved to hear “would you like to sit down” then.
These are fantastic! Thanks for posting something positive about being pregnant. Especially since I just came out of a weekend where I heard “Holy Shit” when someone saw me for the first time, and “are you sure you’re not smuggling a bowling ball in there”, or my favorite was when I overheard a man at a restaurant (who I didn’t know) say to his wife “you were never THAT big when you were pregnant, were you”?! Ughh people are so rude sometimes.
So funny you posted this, because earlier today I wrote about all the annoying things people are saying to me in my third trimester!
I like to say “You’re glowing!” or somesuch. And I NEVER touch a pregnant woman’s belly!
This is great! I’m in my 8th month of pregnancy and it doesn’t matter how much you try to ignore what people say – most of what you hear makes you feel bad about yourself and someone saying something positive can lift you up for the whole day!
I adore this post. Truly. I especially like number 2. It never gets old hearing that.
Here’s what I tell parents-to-be/new parents:
“I’ve learned two things as a parent. The first is that there is a very, very wide range of normal, and no matter what your child does and how weird it seems to you, your pediatrician is going to say, ‘Oh, yes, that’s normal.’ The second is that there are a lot of ways to do this right. Find the ones that work for you, and do those.”
You’re so right!
I like to say, “Your baby is so lucky to have you for his/her mother!”
Very nice!
“You look awesome!”
I’m on my second pregnancy and I feel like crap alot and am tired, and feel like I look like crap alot and just those three words can add a spring in my step so fast. I remember how good it felt when people said that to me with my first pregnancy and so I always try to remember to tell that to other Mommas…
Jennifer, if I’d had room for #4 it totally would have been this one!
This is even nicer to hear a month or two, or five, after the baby is born and you still have the belly hanging around. . .
Great advice!
I heard a lot of things during my 11 pregnancies (8 complete ones)… But hardly ever anything like the positive things listed here. It’s amazing what people will say to strangers… or supposed loved ones!
Great post, Meagan! Especially for those of us who are surrounded by mothers/soon-to-be mothers but haven’t made the baby leap ourselves.
“No matter what happens, it will all be fine.”
LOVE this post!! I’m days, literally 3 days away from my due date and I feel huge, cannot sleep or get comfortable, my “glow” has come and gone, I have lost all motivation to be the “cute pregnant lady”, I am uncomfortable when sitting, moving or walking and I have a 2-1/2 yr old that tires me out like none other. It would be AMAZING to be out and about and hear some positive encouragement from a random stranger with a smile! 🙂
Oh, I remember that so well. For the last week of my pregnancy, I was so ready to be done with it. Everything was uncomfortable and exhausting. But I can’t help but think of how much love your home will be filled with, very soon–because you’ll have more people to love and be loved by!
“You look beautiful!” for sure… I think all pregnant mommas are absolutely radiant. It reminds me how much I loved being pregnant and felt truly beautiful in those growing months (most of the time. There were the “you are absolutely huge – are you sure you’re not having twins?” comments with my fourth that weren’t so lovely!!)
1. You look beautiful. 2. Let me carry that! haha
On #2 – my addendum would be to be sure not to hound the new/pregnant mom about helping her. If she doesn’t take you up on it, don’t make her feel guilty. She may not need anything physical or practical from you. What she may need is prayer or for a week free of calls or emails or visits. Don’t let your need to “help” overshadow your friend’s need to feel in control of her situation.
Wow! You took the whole “What not to say” meme and turned it on it’s head. And these are such great suggestions too! All I could add is to remember to talk about something else. That’s hard to do, but pregnancy is usually not a woman’s whole entire life, but it’s really easy to get caught up in asking about it because it’s so exciting. The only thing I dreaded when I began showing was everyone wanting to talk about my pregnancy (although I did understand it was because they were so happy for me).